Home Featured She’s Not You, He’s Not Me, But We’re Not Together

She’s Not You, He’s Not Me, But We’re Not Together

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Not Looking Back Is Not Always Easy

We’d not been together for a long while and the part of us that loved each other had been dead for an even longer while. In the time that had passed since our love ran its course, we’d both been single, dated around, slept around, and settled on into our new, current relationships. None of these facts go toward explaining why it’s 4 AM and we’re sitting on a couch in her hotel suite, staring at each other, wondering just how far we’re both willing to go.

We’d had a tumultuous affair, the kind that was built on attraction, fueled by passion but lacked in most of the important areas necessary in building a sustainable relationship. We didn’t have the same life goals; when we looked out into the future, we saw different things. The chemistry though, the chemistry was real. We could talk for hours – run the gamut from pop culture to music to politics to movies and religion as if the lenses of our cultural pallets were helically intertwined and inseparable. We had such great chemistry that even on the rare occasions that we disagreed our disagreements were so inimical in nature that their divinely inspired diametrical opposition kept us forever cleaved, like right and left or good and evil. I made her laugh and she wasn’t the kind of women given to laughter. From even her most tempestuous moments of anger I could extract a smile or giggle. And she made me think. She made me think embarrassingly deep thoughts even though I’m not the kind of guy whose deepest thoughts are typically inspired by or shared with other people. And then there was the sex. Sometimes competitive, sometimes confrontational, always unadulteratedly carnal. In the bedroom, together, we were perfection. But relationships that run on this kind of propane like passion never last; they’re destined to burn blue and flame out. We made it six months.

The circumstances around how we ended up here, in this hotel room, at this hour, are purposely coincidental. Since breaking up we’d developed a periodic, sporadic kind of friendship. Having moved to different cities, we never see each other, but we’ll drop a line every few months to check up on each other’s latest favorite music, latest career triumphs and of course, latest love interests. We kept in good enough contact to also know that we’d both be out of our respective towns on business and in the same city, the same weekend– this weekend. So when my business for the day concluded and I and sent her a text saying “Hey, what up… you in town?” and she responded “Hey, I’m here, was just wondering the same about you” it was obvious that ending up here, in this hotel room, at this hour was inevitable.

At home for both of us wait people who love us, people who trust us, people who expect from us a fidelity we’ve promised. But we’re here. We’ve been talking for three hours now. She’s finding herself in fits of unwanted but uncontrollable laughter, and I’m finding myself thinking deep thoughts. I know she cares about her guy back home and she knows I care about my girl and though neither of us are amoral enough to say anything disrespectful about our current situations neither of us can deny what we’re seeing in each others eyes. He ain’t me. He doesn’t understand her the way I understand her, his taste in everything sucks, he doesn’t make her laugh the way I make her laugh and he doesn’t make her simultaneously clutch her pearls and toss them aside the way I once did. I am as certain of this as she is certain of the power she wields over me. My nose is wide open and she knows. She knows she has me in a state of euphoria, high in a way I haven’t been since I was last with her. And with each of one of her smiles and each of my moments of socratic philosophizing we come closer and closer to violating what we have at home by honoring the timelessness of our chemistry. She’s not you, he’s not me, we’re not together, but here we are.

“You should probably get some sleep.”

“I know, you’re right, but you don’t have to leave, I mean, it’s so late…” she responds.

“This couch folds out I think … I could crash here for a bit and leave in the morning.”

“You could,” she says.

Getting up, she walks into the bedroom and I can hear her undressing. If I strain my neck, I might be able to see how congruent my memories are to the reality standing just outside my view; but strain my neck I will not. Taking off my shirt and shoes I put my feet up, settle into a comfortable space on the couch and close my eyes.

And then she’s in the doorway leaning against its frame, her university’s sweatshirt perfectly sized, falling just above the point where her thighs, bare, meet the rest of her.

With the slightest tilt her head and perfect inflection:

“Goodnight” she says.

And our chemistry tells me this is not just a statement – but also – a question.

Our vision in hindsight, is said to be 20/20. But when it comes to love, hindsight is hopelessly imperfect. In situations like this we don’t see the fights and arguments and upsettedness that led to our relationship’s demise, all we can see is how perfect it was for a time. But the bad times don’t negate the good times and they don’t negate the power of perfect chemistry. It is almost impossible not to desire that perfection again – even if just for a moment. But what price do we pay in going there? If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, does it make a sound? Yes – because sound is eternal. But does it make noise? That’s a tougher question because noise is relative. In this situation, if we go there, do we violate our relationship, yes – but are we hurting our significant others if they never find out? Sound or noise? (she’s got me thinking deep thoughts again.) Do two people incompatible in the long term with such an intrinsic, timeless connection in the short term have a responsibility to honor that connection? Is there someone in your life who has this kind of affect on you … the kind that sometimes makes you question your current situation? Put yourself in our shoes and write the end of this story. Give some rationale behind why you make whatever decision you make. Keep it real.

Are you guys ready for SBM’s Holiday Happy Hour at the Empire Room in the Empire State Building on Friday, December 23? I can’t wait. Going to be a great time. Tell a friend to tell a friend and until then … stay low and keep firing…

Comment(94)

  1. If I were in your shoes, I'd Stay on the Couch, Sleep it Off, then Leave in the Morning. I say this because it IS Short-Term, Nothing More and Nothing Less. What's there is an Emotional, Sensual and Sexual Addiction that goes beyond what you two's S/Os could Understand or Imagine, like an Alcoholic to Liquor in general. Yes, that 1 Drink in Relapse won't Hurt at all, but Eaach Drink after the 1st is a Downward Spiral down the proverbial Rabbit's Hole, going Deeper than the previous descent, and making it Longer to get Out. Who Knows what may come out with you- or How it may affect you two's relationship….

    I have a Friend/Ex that has that effect on me, so I can Relate a bit to this. never been in that situation Per Se, but IF I were Ever in that position, I'd have to Decline that Opportunity. My Relationship means More to me both Long and Short-Term than 1 Moment that Won't Ever be Extended beyond itself.

    1. Good answer J. Crawford. I respect your morals, values and self discipline. Not something you see enough of nowadays….Mad Props…..*smile*

  2. In a perfect world they would say good night to each other and really just go to sleep and return to their significant others unsexed. But in this world in this life people are selfish and when put in the tight spot put themselves in front of others.

    So her goodnight would be an invite to pleasure, an invite into the type of fu^king virgins dream about, the kind of sex that makes you think twice about the pu$$y/pen1s you left behind in the first place, hair pulling, a$$ smacking, biting, tasting, teasing, the kind of excitement that thrill seekers live for. Touching each other in places their new partner didn’t know existed, sharing each other like their significant other was no longer in the picture. Sex so good you feel your soul shake. F her like you hate her until she cums then turn her on her back and make love to her like there no place you rather be at that exact moment.

    1. Then they fall asleep in each other’s arms only to wake up in silence, words left unsaid for good reasons. Then return to their partners with no shame or regret. While they might not ever cross that line again they will realize in a short time that the person who their with isn’t meant to be, even though they shared similar long term goals, and while the night they shared together was "Real" it is something that had its place in time and should remain there untouched.

  3. Really good post. It kind of scared me. I can see myself in a situation like this, which I don't like, because as a poster above said–its akin to addiction. Giving in can lead to a downward spiral. There are a lot of consequences if you cheat, even if your gf/bf doesn't ever find out. You might go back to your longterm boo and just not feel the same way afterwards, or the guilt of it could kill your relationship. Is that something you want to risk? If its worth it, then maybe go ahead, but I would personally resist as much as I could.

    At the same time, it's your life. Alotta people wanna make life and relationships and whatnot black and white. All that shit in the movies, blogs and what your friends or whatever try to tell you about how sex and relationships should be just isn't always true. Every "relationship" is different. I know a woman who's probably in her 50s, divorced, but has had a relationship with a married man for over 20 years. And most people would probably respond in outrage about how this "OTHER woman" is a ho and all kinds of shit. But like I said, I know her and she's not a bad person, she's just doing what makes her happy. And when you talk to people like that–who have decades of life experience, you realize how complex these things are, and how much the difference between "right" and "wrong" is blurred.

    Idk, this post really got me thinking like shit.

    1. pretty much, not condoning cheating but out of state flings with someone you care about who knows better than to want more is one of the better situations.

      1. I can see where your coming from but this also makes me think about the age old question can you really be friends or keep in contact with your ex when your in a new relationship?

        I mean your partner would have to trust that you no longer have feelings or yern for your ex, and while you may think those feelins no longer exist, in a situation like this sometimes things happen.

  4. Do two people incompatible in the long term with such an intrinsic, timeless connection in the short term have a responsibility to honor that connection? – Yes, if those people are not already in relationships and/or can they can handle the consequences of their actions.

  5. Well damn. Talk about ‘le sigh’ to infinity. I had to reread this post again because admittedly it made me feel some type of way.

    “We had such great chemistry that even on the rare occasions that we disagreed our disagreements were so inimical in nature that their divinely inspired diametrical opposition kept us forever cleaved, like right and left or good and evil.”

    Been there. Felt that. My girlfriends and I always refer to this as the “crackhead’s plight” as I have had the privilege of knowing men whom were nothing short of addictive. I’ve never used crack so I’m speaking strictly from second-hand accounts, but from my understanding crack is a strange addiction because nothing will ever compare to your first high. You’re first crack high is always your best, but rather than accept this and move on, you will unapologetically and emphatically sacrifice everything- lay it ALL on the line- chasing a sensation that you know will never be rewarded again. You will never feel what you first felt, and rather than move on, you find yourself trapped in a cyclical downward spiral chasing what ‘once was,’ always optimistic for what could possibly be.

    Addiction produces desperation to where you will abandon all common sense and sound reason just for a chance to achieve what you’re yearning for. Like all addictions, sometimes in unproductive/damaging relationships you have to reach rock bottom. Everybody has a breaking point where they can experience a moment of complete clarity. Some people experience moments of clarity but choose to remain under the delusion of “what-if,” because willfully surrendering to reality yields only one possible conclusion: The truth hurts.

    This is my rendition of events coming from a woman who has hit rock bottom:

    “It’s getting late. But you’re still here. For weeks I rehearsed the possibility that our familiar ramblings would undoubtedly meet this late hour, yet I find myself pleasantly surprised anyway. For the first time in a long time, my reality finds itself superseding my dreams. I missed this sensation. Your purposeful and effortless familiarity with words always rendered me speechless; my heart is left giddy, knees left weak. My girlish laughter betrays me. It’s a genuine sound bite that is not often heard by others… or really anyone. It’s my audible acknowledgement that in the pursuit of my mental affections, you again remain victorious. You still got it. Damnit.

    And staring at you now, I can’t help but wonder where did we go wrong. Why is my girlish laughter bound to your boyish charms? I replay the story of us across the panoramic view of my imagination. Caught between a dazed dream and a promising reality, I’m confronted with the painful notion that somehow this night must end.

    The dissonance grips me- replacing my whimsical thoughts with uneasy absoluteness. I don’t want you. But I need you to want me. I know we could never work long-term, but I need to know the emptiness I feel when you don’t provoke my girlish laugh also leaves a void for your boyish charm. My pride demands the codependence must be regretfully mutual. Does your allure coax the new girl’s vocal cords to erupt in a symphony of audible applause? Do you wish my reserved girlish adulation could replace hers? She doesn’t banter with you like I do. I can tell. You’re just too determined to show out with your quick rebuttals and whimsical retorts. But I like it. You want to impress me. And you have. But the hour is late and there are decisions to be made.

    “You should probably get some sleep.” He murmurs

    “I know, you’re right, but you don’t have to leave, I mean, it’s so late…” I respond.

    “This couch folds out I think … I could crash here for a bit and leave in the morning.”

    “You could,” I say.

    And as I meander away into the room which I long to share with you, I get this pit in my stomach, demanding my dreams of grandeur to greet the harsh truth that is present before us now. My laughter isn’t enough to keep us together. Your renewed introspective thoughts are not enough to give us a future. If we resolved to journey down this winding road of adventure we have carelessly constructed, we know it would never lead anywhere worth going. Our passionate exploits would inevitably end just as they did before, leaving us more destitute and empty than when we first ventured forth together. Happily ever after would forever elude us.

    The pit has now blossomed, anchoring my stomach and legs to the floor. I’m trying to find my sensibility. You haven’t changed. You’ll never change. And while I’m amused for the moment, my better sense tells me that this time, I have to love me more than I love your attention. I have to acknowledge what was, but accept what is because somehow whenever we toil with fire, I’m the one who ends up in the burn unit. I smile bitterly, rejecting the conviction that weighs so heavily on me now. I saunter to the doorframe. What you hear my voice utter is ‘Goodnight.’ What I meant is ‘Goodbye.’

    I fight the urge to linger to read your reaction there on the couch, knowing that if you begin the walk through the door I just intrinsically closed, I may not have the strength to push away my heart’s most electrifying intruder. The warmth of my girlish laughter subsides, and all that remains is the bitter truth: I’m better off without you.

    1. Sheesh!

      Love how you kept the framework of the story intact but added the other woman's perspective. You did a really good job offering insight into how she sees and perceives the same things he's seeing and perceiving – particularly the little idiosyncrasies of their relationship (he making her laugh, she making him pensive) while still adding some fresh thoughts and feelings to the situation. Really, really well done. And i dig the end. He hears an invitation when she's hoping for closure. Maybe their chemistry ain't what it once was… or then again … maybe it is.

    2. #winner

      Your addiction introduction is so magnificently perfect as a description of what falling in love/being married felt like to me. The idea of having that kind of love again keeps my door open to new people, but at the same I doubt it will ever be the same because you can only fall in love for the first time, one time. I think the key for me will be to- instead of search for my next figurative cocaine high- try some figurative heroin instead, and hope the high is just as magical and long lasting, if not more.
      My recent post You Should Know

  6. I am always amused when people say that all relationships are different and to each his/her own, because typically the significant other didn’t get the memo that it is acceptable (on occasion) sleep to with someone else if the proper situation presented itself… if we can do it without getting caught. Now if they both know what’s acceptable, by all means break her back out in that hotel room and go home to your girl with a clear conscience. However, it usually boils down to a selfish-ass double-standard (rationalizing if it’s “noise” is immature).

    Maybe the story should end with the writer contemplating what he should do in that hotel room while unbeknownst to him, his girl is at home with her ex contemplating the same. How would he want her story to turn out? And let’s not get it twisted, everyone has options, but if you love someone, I mean truly love someone, you think long and hard about jeopardizing their happiness and causing them pain and you put them first, so maybe you recognize that you really don’t love and aren’t in love with your SO, perhaps this is what this encounter may have revealed. Doing something that you think you’ll get away with only speaks to your character though. And let’s be clear, being in the hotel room wasn’t “purposely coincidental” being there was just “purposely”. Be accountable, that way you’ll have no regrets.

  7. My heart and head don't even know where to begin with this. This post is currently my life and I'm not sure how it will end. But something tells me, like a crack feen, I need to chase this high one last time.

    I love my man, but he isn't my ex. My ex doesn't just "get me". He's so intrinsically in tune with me it shakes me to my core. While we had the kind of tumultuous relationship that left me so broken I lost myself in a hurt and despair I never knew could exist, the sound of his voice still stills my heart. He still makes me laugh like no other and the thought of possibly partaking in the kind of sexual, carnal pleasure we once had…well I won't go there. These thoughts shouldn't exist but they do.

    In my case and in your post above, you're describing a constant comparison of two people. While my rational brain knows my current significant other and my ex are two different people and should not be compared; my id is ever so quietly taking comparative notes while whispering thoughts of infidelity. I'm not sure what I'll do this week when I see my ex (we'll be attending the same convention). I do know my head and my heart feel as though my being is somehow entangled with his forever. I just wish I knew why.

    1. Good luck ( I know how you feel, someone hurts you yet your always comparing the new man to the ex man).

      Just remember if you "do it" one last time your opening a door that might not close back as easily. Not only that do you know if there's someone else in his life. sometimes we don't really consider how our actions affect others who we are not directly connected to. Sometimes were chasing a feeling and we make it seem grander than what it is, remember your ex is your ex for a reason. But if you do slip up we all do things that might not always be seen as right. before you go to your convention think if you've given your new man the chance to know you on the same level thta "you feel " your ex does, or have you reserved that space for your ex for so long your not given your new man a chance to touch you on that level.

  8. Mr spradley. Did you and your wife break up before you got married. If you did, how did you both handle that time and what brought you guys back together again

    1. Hmmm… this is kind of personal. The answer is no… we didn't – but if we had, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be comfortable with me discussing that on the blog. Some things are off limits…

      thanks for reading though…

  9. Honestly, I would not have even texted the guy. He wouldn’t even know city I was in that weekend. What’s the point of putting yourself in that situation if you’re not planning on going through with anything. If the energy and connection are so powerful, the moment you’re together the inevitable will happen.

  10. I've found myself in a similar situation, we were at a mutual friends party and somehow i needed to give her a ride home. Seemed like that ride took longer than usual cuz we had a loooong talk about a lot of things and eventually she brought up an old ipod of mine she had found when she was cleaning up (i had since replaced ipod as i did her but the bait was set). I went upstairs grabbed the ipod and said goodnight I gave her a hug and after we stood staring at each other our minds both evaluating the pros/cons of this situation at the same time. Had i been in the above situation I would've, however in this one it was too close for comfort.

    1. lol she tried to trap you with the "you left ______ item over here" come upstairs and get it.

      The situation is only dangerous if both parties are still comparing their current beau to the ex. If they both understand the situation and know that while their connection was great their everything else was'nt , they can walk out this situation scott free no cheating.

  11. Definitely have been in that limbo moment. Playing it cool and coy, knowing that with a right touch on her cheek or neck, it would be goin down. But what kept me "on the couch" is I knew that "it goin down" would lead to a major collapse of what I had at home. Despite the fact that me and the friend never had interest in dating each other, we had great intimacy. Like you described in the story, we had a great affinity to 1 another that couldn't be understood or explained by anyone but us. At the same time, she was a weird type of poison. The cost-benefit analysis wasn't worth the risk.
    My recent post If Time Was Currency, What Would You Accomplish

  12. Easiest way to not cheat is to not put yourself in a position where cheating is possible.

    At that point you're doomed regardless, at least I wouldn't be totally ok with you spending the night in your ex's hotel room, no matter how innocent you claim it was.

  13. Earth, Wind, and Fire classic song The Reason came on in the middle of me reading this, so that is the track that I was under the influence of at the moment lol.

    Do two people incompatible in the long term with such an intrinsic, timeless connection in the short term have a responsibility to honor that connection?

    I have to say no on this one, especially if honoring that connection threatens long term growth or stability. In this case the connection is tampering with long term relationships on both sides. In my 20 something short years of living I am slowly learning that there are some friendships, s3xships, connections, etc that are not worth honoring no matter how enticing or pleasant they seem in the moment. I believe this story falls under that category.

    Put yourself in our shoes and write the end of this story.

    “This couch folds out I think … I could crash here for a bit and leave in the morning.”

    “You could,” she says.

    With the slightest tilt her head and perfect inflection:

    “Goodnight” she says.

    And our chemistry tells me this is not just a statement – but also – a question.

    With that, I knew she wanted an answer. One that I could not so easily give.

    “Goodnight” I said back to her

    I soon turned over, my head now facing the wall away from the bedroom.

    Without more then a single Goodnight between us, I gave her my answer to the question.

    I soon face the facts that nothing good could come from this night.

    “On second thought it might be best if I just leave now” I said

    “Yeah, I agree” she murmured back to me

    With that I grabbed my belongs, put on my shoes, and made one the most painful retreats a young man my age could make in his life.

    Give some rationale behind why you make whatever decision you make. Keep it real.

    I will let Phillip Bailey step in for me:

    And after the love games have been played

    All our illusions were just a parade

    And all the reasons start to fade

    And in the morning when I rise,

    No longer feeling hypnotized

    Find our reasons, our reasons, our reasons had no pride

    In closing, the morning after is sure to leave us full of regret. Nothing long term or positive could come from that one night. Like you said with a passion that deep, the fire never burns forever, and soon me and her would find ourselves growing tired of each thus separating once again. Every reason or excuse we given ourselves would be gone as we both awaken from the spell we have cast upon one another. That is why just retreating from the situation would be the option for me any way.

    ^^^That is how I would like to think I would handle the situation but who knows. In the heat of the moment, it might not turned out that way.

    Great drop today Most

    1. Reasons is a classic joint and a good companion to this post.

      But who says something positive has to come from every situation? Sometimes some things are just good for the moment and when the moment passes it's done…

      1. Usually I would take the same stance, but this story and the backdrop behind it all left me feeling a tad bit different. For one I know in this case my conscience would not rest if I had given in and took the plunge so to speak. Because of that, the moment for me would never truly be done but rather linger and linger in the back of my mind. Truth be told my choice would not come down to the passion, her relationship, my relationship, or love for that matter. It all boils down to can my mind/conscience actually justify cheating in this situation and be at peace with the choice I made?

  14. Being here is so hard – you just want the world to stop not be in a relationship so you can go with your feelings.
    I have a person just like this and he is the very reason I don't step foot in a certain state. Its painful to see him painful to leave him although we both know……
    The ironic thing about this story and my life is the parallel – the last time I saw him was under the very same circumstances.
    Most – I don't think you did what I did though LOL

    1. "Most – I don't think you did what I did though LOL"

      Who said this situation actually happened!?!?!?

      "You know the feds listening… n*gga what money?"

  15. Apart of me would like to think that I would not bite the bait, but I honestly don't know.
    I just crave passion/deeper connections more than I value being with someone that is well rounded and compliments my life. Soooo hopefully Im never in this situation, and I end up with someone who has both.

    This is why I make it a point to cease all communication with ex-boyfriends, before I did not, and it was just pointless. There's no reason to need updates on their life or what they are doing. They will never have your best interest in mind and they can never be a real friend to you (at least in my experiences).

  16. This was a GREAT read…

    I know what this feels like, so I just don't put myself in these situations. Currently, there's only one person that gives me pause. And its not cause there was ever anything so great as described in this story…its just this intense cloud of curiosity about what "us" would feel like because we've never been on the same page at appropriate times. I used to confuse that feeling with possibility. Now, I know that's not it…cause we both could've made different choices. Curiosity is no reason to get jammed up. So when I got that text that included the sentence "you looked good" after seeing him briefly the other day, I replied "aww thanks" and left it at that.

    I can't rewrite the story cause, knowing myself, I wouldn't have been able to handle this scenario without putting more effort into making this guy initiate something. So, the guy wouldn't have been in my hotel room.

    Sometimes, you gotta let the fantasy world remain where it lives…in dreams.

  17. Good post Most. Question tho, this post was eloquently written to a tee, how is it that you stay out of trouble with Mrs. Most when you write like this???..lol

    1. What you mean?

      Not specific to this post, but speaking generally – I've always been honest about who I am and who I want to become, but I've also been honest about who I once was. I don't think she's ever read a post and learned something new about me.

      1. I guess its because as a reader I’m left with a bunch of questions like is this a true story? was this before or after the current Mrs. Most? Did he actually get the draws? Has Most ever spoke to his current lady about this or is she reading it for the first time today?? ..lol its the soap opera of it all..lol And I guess one of the perks about writing can be to keep your audience in suspense

      2. "I don't think she's ever read a post and learned something new about me."
        That speaks volumes about your level of honesty Most……damn shame they don't make em like you no mo……….smh.

      3. I think whether or not the story is true (from past or present experience) is irrelevant really. You can breathe life into a story by incorporating more than one perspective…it doesn't even have to be your own…people who write can weave stories and create characters from their own experiences as well as from their observations of others.

        1. But everyone knows that the familiar breeds the best narratives. I agree with mr S.D – the initial reaction is wondering whether or not the author is speaking from experience and then wondering how that fits into the context of what he's revealed about his personal life.
          I don't mean to suggest that the way the story is written implies the author must have had a personal stake in it. Just saying it's logical to assume that he did.
          It's equally logical to wonder how he gets away with writing like this – lol – particularly if you are female and understand how this could potentially induce fleeting, irrational ( but real) pangs of jealousy if your husband had written it…

          (p.s Most, this is not a comment on your relationship as I obv dont know you, just my way of justifying my initial reaction to this post.)

  18. I’ve been in this situation before. You’re absolutely correct: “relationships that run on this kind of propane like passion never last; they’re destined to burn blue and flame out.”

    I think it just takes time to get to that point. I dealt with a situation just like this for years! Sooner or later, you’re going to question why you don’t take things further. Trust and believe that the other person will show you why. Once that happens, the bad will outweigh the good and the entire thing will just feel old. You’ll also meet someone that you wholeheartedly feel doesn’t deserve to be cheated on and you’ll make a genuine effort to break the cycle. And eventually, you’ll break the cycle.

  19. Huh – that's what that good-good will do to you, on both sides. And yes, I've been there with a sort of ex – we didn't make it past 5-6 months so does that even count as an ex? Anyway, a few months later he helped me move…yeah the flesh is weak but his muscles were strong, you know what happened. *shivers*

    Anyway, I know myself, and I wouldn't have even contacted this dude for the same reason I don't keep cinnabons in my house: I'm not good with temptation. My best resistance is distance and stuff like this is how 2 generally good people end up screwing 2 other good people over. You out of town making 4th of July fireworks and gotta go back home to some lukewarm lovin'. Even if chex with the bf/gf was good, it will not compare to some nasty-in-a-good-way, illicit back breaking with an old flame. You need not have that kryptonite anywhere near my hotel room.

    1. Word to the wise: I think most of us have that person somewhere in the past. Don't get caught slippin' on your mate, because they also have someone to slip up with and turnaround can be a motha. I think most women have at least ONE dude who was the King Kong Mandingo of her adult life.

      On a side note: I survived the girls' first birthday party. It was great – I believe we'll do it again in about 15 years, lol.

      1. "On a side note: I survived the girls' first birthday party. It was great – I believe we'll do it again in about 15 years, lol."

        I was gonna ask you how it went. We were at a party this passed Saturday and I thought about you and your twins. I'm glad it went well. And how did it go with the bejeweled dominoes? We're having a party for my son this Saturday. I'm both excited and nervous about it.

        1. Girl there was much domino playing in our house after the party – even the twins were smacking their little hands on the table like they were really playing, lol. You know we had about 6 of his family staying with us – from Thursday to today (they'll be gone by the time I get back home. I went out dancing with some cousins and friends while Mr. was home playing bones. This is how you know you're getting old: the next day I didn't have a hangover, I had sore muscles and charlie horses from dancing too much. Felt like I had arthritis, lol. Good luck on your sons party, just relax and enjoy yourself!

        2. Sounds like you had a blast even if you are exhausted now. It's worth it though ain't it? I can just imagine the little ones slamming their hands on the table. So cute! My little one slaps her hand like she's playing paper, rock, scissors. It's always so funny. Chile, I didn't dance whenever I went out (except that ONE time o_O) and I hardly ever drank but it always took me a few days to recover. "I'm too old for this [email protected]!"

        3. Awwwwww, so sweet! Glad it was a successful party! Gawwwwlee! Can you believe they're a year old already? Seems like last month you told us you were preggers, freakin insane! Your weekend sounds amazing! And now you get your house back! Win/Win

          Yay, thanks for sharing all that! pictures say a thousands words though, IJS 😉 #Greedy

      2. Damn, wish I could have been there, but whenever we get around to doing something down in DC you're gonna have to come out and bring Lil Tef 1 and Lil Tef 2!

        I still have a gift for them!

        Happy birthday to them and happy delivery day anniversary to you!

  20. IDK man, I hope I would just say no on principle but I don't think I would've gone over there in the first place. I have to call my current boo and say goodnight, (anything else would just be abnormal and suspicious behavior) and I couldn't do that with another dude sitting there. Or worse if I went over to the guy's hotel, my boo could call my room to tell me goodnight and I wouldn't be in there to answer. How would I explain this?

    Anyway, I feel like if I found myself in that situation I would just go on to sleep. And I'd be satisfied knowing I still have that same effect on the other person and feel strong since I didn't give into the temptation. Then again, I have a hard time saying no to milk and cookies so…….maybe I would just taste a little bit. IDK but I don't ever want to find out. This is one of those situations when you think you know what you'd do until it happens. It's one thing when other people disappoint you but when you disappoint yourself, that's a hard pill to swallow.

    1. I like how you plead the fifth Most….Gonna have to borrow that "I can neither confrim nor deny I was ever in such a situation" lol

  21. I cannot write the end to the story because I couldn't fathom inviting an ex into my room. Saying hi and catching up are one thing, making plans and seeing the inside of my hotel room are totally different. One is innocent , one is deceptive. I can't handle it, because my guilty conscious will haunt me once I return to reality.

    I haven't been in this situation. I highly doubt I would ever be. I know that you can't see the SEA (current/future relationships) if you don't totally lose sight of the SHORE(past relationships). Once I am done with you, I am done. By the time I walk away, I am gone already (Great song Faith).

    1. Love that song…

      I was feeling like a dead man walking
      numb from all the pain you're causing
      hoping that things would change
      but you never gave me that option
      there's so many things you don't do
      to make me overlook the wrong
      this is not the way that love should be
      I guess you're not the man for me

      JESUS, lol…who ain't been there?!

  22. How it would have ended for me: He's standing in the doorway saying goodnight…..

    Goodnight Tony. I'm not really sleepy are you? Tony says he isn't and I invite him back out into the living room to talk more. We talk more about what happened with us. Why we have this bond that could ruin our relationships we have back at home. He tells me that he has never had someone challenge him mentally before. He says that I make him think about situations from several perspectives. I smile because that's what my boyfriend does for me. He stimulates my mind, but at times he can be a bit boring. I don't mind because I like to chill. I then start to tell Tony that he makes me smile. He made my darkest days feel as if I was experiencing euphoria. I loved he debonair demeanor. But, I wanted more and he wasn't willing to give it to me. I saw having a kid or 2 soon and Tony you wanted to wait until we were more established. I wanted to travel and you wanted to save. I just felt like all the things that I thought would bring us closer you put a dollar sign on them. Tony was a little offended and I could see that the glow he had 10 minutes ago was dimming slowing. I said I know we're compatible in some ways, but our priorities and goals aren't and that's what ruined us. Tony said that I was never willing to compromise on the things that he wanted. He wants to be a business owner and not a corporate slave. He said he wanted to buy real estate and then think about a family and marriage. I told him yes I know and I decided I couldn't put my life on hold for 10 years with no definite commitments. He said my girlfriend thinks differently. She supports everything I do, because she knows I'm doing it for us. Well she doesn't seem like a smart girl if she's putting her dreams aside. Tony then says I now know why this didn't work. You're so selfish and I can't be with a women who doesn't consider what I want in life. I feel the same way as you Tony. You tried to selfishly make your dreams mine and I can't live that way with tears starting to stream down my face. I realize this was a huge mistake. I then hear Alicia Key's lyric play in my head ( You're racing to the door, can't take it anymore) and I grab my things and run out the door into an awaiting taxi. I call my boyfriend and I tell him I love him and that I'm so happy and blessed to have him. THE END!!!

  23. I'm erring on the side of caution and agree with Beef Bacon. I never ever put myself in situations where this type of thing could possibly happen. One principle I practice in life is I don't go backwards, I only go forward; unless there are really good reasons and I don't feel it would compromise my present and future. Very rarely are there good reasons to go backwards in relationships, (at least for me there aren't.
    I don't think I can top Fresh With Depth's story…..damn good.
    I'm an "out of the box" thinker and tend to think a little differently than the avg person.
    I don't understand why you can't make a relationship work if you have so much "said" passion and chemistry, if you really want to and don't mind doing the necessary work to make it work.
    I think many times people constantly look for perfection in all aspects of relationships…..The reality is you never find that. No relationship is perfect in every aspect all the time, (even when it seems like it is).
    So you may have chemistry with a person, great sex, great conversations, and feel a deep connection with that person. But you don't have common life goals so you walk away from the person, the chemistry, the great sex, great conversations, and the passion.
    Then you meet someone else and you do have common life goals and you both want the same things. But the relationship lacks the chemistry, passion, great sex, and great conversations and deep connection like you had with the "other".
    I think what folks should try is figuring out what is really important to them…..(since you can't always have it all). Then from there choose the person they want to be with and working on the area's that are lacking.
    Part of choosing which person and which relationship you want to be in is knowing exactly what you want and don't want, what you can and can't live with, and what your willing to work with and work on.
    It's funny how folks always talk about what they won't tolerate in relationships and what their dealbreakers are and what they want and need; yet how often do you consider what imperfections you would be willing to overlook. How often do you think about what parts of a relationship you would be willing to compromise on, what could you do without, what you would be willing to sacrifice in a relationship and what character flaws you could accept, and still stay faithful and committed to the person and the relationship.
    One option could be to think about those things mentioned above, and make a choice considering those things, as well as the variables that make or break the 2 relationships and how important they are to you.
    If your the type of person who never seems to be satisfied and content no matter who your with then that is an even deeper issue in which You are the common denominator.

    1. Why you gotta bring up old ish!!!???

      J/K

      Nah I hear you. The difference here though is that this is a mutual feeling between the two of them. It's not him coming back to her, it's them coming back to what they once were.

      1. I feel that, however my response remains the same. If this relationship was fueled by passion, and their respective current relationships were more solid then I'd have to fight the temptation. In my personal experiences, I've felt a lot better and empowered as woman when I successfully fight those feelings.

  24. Busy day. Let me drop my two cents. 1) Honestly, I've played both sides of the field. Im my younger days, I would have beat the brakes off of it and gone on about my business with out any real sense of guilt or second thoughts. As you said in your compartmentalization post, it really wasn't that big of a deal to me to have a physical contact with a woman I "just wasnt that into." I actually still feel this way. 2) The only transition is, with age, I realized it's not all about me. Out of respect, I remain faithful because blah blah blah that "come to light" quote that I cant remembr off the top of my head. I believe both fidelity and infidelity are a choice. Therefore, I wouldnt/dont want to hurt the woman I'm with. I believe in personal responsibility though and I know how I am. It's much easier for me to avoid temptation than it is to resist temptation. As such, I wouldnt allow myself to be in the room in the middle of the night with some woman I'm attracted to like that if I have a girlfriend/wife.

    My recent post A Real Woman

  25. Really good post! wow…made me think about love….lust…soul mates…

    An older mentor/friend once told me that you love doesn't make a relationship. In fact, she said, many times for whatever reason, you can't be in a relationship with the person you love.

    I didn't know how i felt about that comment then and still don't now but this reminded me of her statement.

  26. Shoooo, I know what the hell I'd do – which is why he wouldn't be in my hotel room. Crack cocaine ain't got nothin on Him. We could have drinks in the hotel bar and catch up, no room access. And current boo would be fully aware of the rendezvous.

    #ThisFleshIsSuperWeak

    PS – Mr SD I was right there with you wondering how Mrs Most deals with these "stories".

  27. Wow, I had something like that happened to me and made it clear before walking out that I really loved my significant other and that I would never give her a reason to cry… NEVER!!!

    On another note, I'm looking forward to the after hours get together…
    Time for me to get out now…

  28. when i was younger and an asshole, i'd have probably lured him in unless i was truly over it. knowing you have that affect on someone is sometimes simply good enough. now though, i'd never.

  29. Man that hit home real hard! I have been in that same situation and it literally gave me the bubble guts. I like to call her “girlfriend x”

    She pops in and out of my life every few years, the only difference in my story is that, slowly are physicals are not connected anymore because our mentals aint aligned if that makes any sense.

    but this quote right here! *Katt WIlliams voice*
    “She’s not you, he’s not me, we’re not together, but here we are.”

    I wish i could send her that sentence, cause she would know exactly what that means..
    even now as a married woman, I think she thinks about me.. smh..

  30. Uh, damn!? I remember more than once having these thoughts about 2 women in particular. Couldn't even put myself in that position now because I love my spouse, and temptation will get a dude caught up quickly…smh. Very good read sir.

  31. Maybe I'm wrong for feeling this way, but I don't think it would have been wrong for y'all to have spent the night together rekindling an old flame. No, I've never cheated on a significant other, but I've never downgraded from my last man either. My question is, "Why would you be with a person who does less for you than the last person did?" You should always be upgrading, and if the current gf doesn't compare/ light your fire/ GET you the way, she did, what are you doing? Why are you settling? And if you don't think there's anyone out there better than your ex, why would you want to be without her? Call me an idealist, but I know there's a quote out there that says we only get a few chances– maybe 1 or 2– to truly love someone in this lifetime. Do you really want to be settled down 10 years from now thinking about this night? Is the girl you're with right now even the one?….. Reminds me of that Jill Scott song, "My Love."

    "You chose her 'cause
    she's sweet as pie.
    Takes what you give,
    even your lies.
    But baby, are you happy
    without me?"

    "She scrubs your back
    washes your clothes
    gives you everything you ever ask for
    Bub don't you ever want more?"

    1. Wow. I don't even agree with you one bit but I really appreciate the way you've made your point. I mean, you make me see how it might not be 'as wrong' to spend the night together as opposed to just leaving. However I feel that the realists answer to your idealist approach would be to leave your current and spend your life with your ex, in which case it wouldn't be a one night only/ 'sound' vs 'noise' problem, it would be a person responsibly ending things with the wrong person in pursuit of a better relationship. However the situation the author is referring to seems to be slightly different…and I don't think the song applies (i'm youtubing it now though, love Jill Scott).

  32. deep words mr. most…

    knowing myself…in that situation….i'd be on the couch. my conscience would eat at me for cheating, whether or not my girl found out.

  33. Sleeping on the couch sounds good, and maybe deep in your heart you know that’s where you want to be and just wake up in the morning and leave. But lets be honest and real with ourselves for a moment the moment he started having those deep thoughts of what could be, he had already dismissed the idea of leaving. If you allow yourself to think long enough about any situation you can make yourself believe anything. As long as these two remain in contact that feeling will never go away, your mind will forever compare what you have to what you had. His current relationship will never have a fair chance because his mind won’t allow him to give his all because part of him is with her. As much as he may love her he has to make that all important choice let her go and cut off all communication or leave the one he is with and be with her. I know your thinking that its as easy as that, but as much as you want to believe you love with your heart that sounds good but it simple isn’t true your mind controls every part of you.

  34. I've always wondered: If you're not married, is it really cheating? I mean yeah they do have significant lovers at home waiting on them and whom they love very much. But I mean you really don't have an obligation to be faithful I guess its just the "right" thing to do in a relationship. Just wondering

    Overall great story though

  35. the internet has made the world so small and in instances like this its helpful to know that you are not the only one going through a series of events….many people are going through something that im sure we each thought was just us….its nice to know your not alone…..as for how this should end…..i was here….and i avoided him like the plague….then i wrote him a note..told him i checked my emotional baggage at the door..hardest thing id done ever. best thing for my life

  36. This one may get me in trouble…lbvvs. I call him my life love. He is the one who my heart and soul beats with and for, yet we are apart–again–for the fourth time. Separation never smothers the fire, the love, the regret, the tears, the joy, or even the longing. And sometimes, often times, hell maybe even all the time…when I am with my new babe…I dream of love. It's like that John Legend song, "Doing it Again…" We said it will end, but I hope it hasn't because on my death bed I will still want his kiss…..

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