Home Featured How Many is Too Many: What’s Your Number?

How Many is Too Many: What’s Your Number?

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I meant to write about this movie when I first saw it but life happens. In order to keep my G-status intact I will provide a brief explanation on how I came to see this movie in the first place: I set out on my date to watch Killer Elite with Jason Statham, Clive Owens, and Robert Deniro – I have yet to see this movie.

At some point during dinner my date realized the movie she wanted to see, What’s Your Number, started 15 minutes after my movie. While I can’t prove this beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law, in my mind she suddenly began to eat her Buffalo Wild Wings a lot slower after realizing her movie was playing later than mine. Yadda yadda yadda coincidentally missing the start time of my movie, I was forced to see What’s Your Number. If you are unfamiliar with the movie, you can watch the trailer here.

Now that we’ve gotten that disclaimer out of the way…

I’ll admit the movie wasn’t half-bad and as an added bonus Anna Faris has a surprisingly nice body. She manages to show it off a few different times but without full frontal, sorry fellas. Anyway, in typical romantic comedy fashion: girl meets boy, they pretend to only be friends for half the movie, have a stupid fight, realize they actually love each other and then live happily ever after. Predictable.

However, the main focus of the movie revolves around Anna’s character (Alley) and her friends reading a study in a women’s magazine that reports, “In America 96% of women who have been with 20 or more lovers can’t find a husband.” Naturally, out of all her friends Alley has the highest number (19) and is perpetually single. She then promptly gets drunk and has a one-night stand. This brings her total sexual conquests to the dreaded number 20.

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Editor’s Note: In the movie, the above statistic is reportedly based on a Harvard study. I could find no such study on-line. I did find two studies that agree the lifetime median number of sex partners for men is seven and four for women. Keep in mind that median means half the population falls on either side. It is not the average. Further, TheDailyBeast.com notes that men and women count sexual partners differently. Not surprisingly, men try to exaggerate their numbers and women try to minimize theirs.  A government study from 2007 found 29 percent of American men had 15 or more partners while only 9 percent of women said the same. Lastly, “Black men and women were more likely to report having 15 or more partners in a lifetime (46 percent and 13 percent, respectively).” Make of these statistics what you will.

After this revelation, Alley becomes abstinent and vows to track down all of her last 19 sexual partners to see if any of them is her one true love. In theory, if she has sex with another man during the course of the movie it will put her over 20 and she will be #ForeverAlone. I know, right? This plot had me on the edge of my seat too.

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What’s interesting about the movie is the fact that it only focuses on the woman’s number of sexual partners. The men in the movie are never put under the same microscope. For example, her neighbor has a series of one-night stands right in front of Alley. Yet, he is never taken out of the running for consideration as a potential partner. In fact, there is one point in the movie where he guestimates he has had over 300+ partners – and they both laugh about it. It’s good to be a man.

While I didn’t expect a romantic comedy to provide resolution to the question of how many partners is too many, I was surprised it didn’t even broach the subject in regards to men. I left the movie asking the same questions I went in with: Fellas, do you want to know the number of men (or women) your woman has been with? Ladies, do you want to know how many women (or men) your man has been with? Why or why not?

Is there a magical number of sexual partners that is “too many” for a woman/man to have? If yes, what number is too many in your opinion and what formula did you use to come up with said number? Is it the same for both yourself and your partner? In other words, are men and women equal or equal but separate? Have you ever stopped dating someone because of their number?

I personally don’t care how many men (or women) my woman has been with and even if she tells me, I will assume she’s lying. Women have a very unique way of counting sexual partners that doesn’t align with any standardized method of math that I am familiar with. Besides, assuming you’re clean, it doesn’t really matter. In my opinion, ignorance is bliss. Keep in mind, I don’t want to know but if I find out – and it’s a high number – I may feel some type of way about it because I’m human.

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Lastly, I can’t judge a man/woman for wanting to know their significant other’s number of sexual partners. I also cannot fault them for leaving if they deem it too high for their comfort level. Essentially they are saying you have been too sexual in your past and unless you’re a virgin, in the technical sense, they are not wrong. Still, should the standard be equal? I’m not sure. If men are the more promiscuous of the two, should they be the standard bearer that women want to emulate? In theory, it should be the other way around, unless women simply want the right to be as promiscuous as their male counterparts without the burden of judgement. The final question then becomes: Why do we focus on both having the right to sleep with more instead of striving for both to sleep with less?


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Comment(232)

    1. From a CONSERVATIVE DUDE’S perspective:
      Disclaimer- This is going to piss off a lot of you, but the truth shall set you free.
      I think the main issue for the old school/ marriage-minded/ ’till-death-do-us-part types is, “Damn, do I really want to take this girl to the altar when she’s had 17 dicks in her excluding mine?”
      You want the one woman to whom you intend to commit the rest of your natural life to:
      1)Be Special- not passed around like a blunt in a freshmen dormitory
      2)Be Faithful- can you be forever satisfied with your man’s 80 when you’ve sampled every other dude’s 20
      3)Have self-respect- which passing around your body to multiple dudes does not indicate
      Another Note-
      Open sexuality is what is causing the slow death of the Black Family in the following ways:
      1) Men don’t need to commit to have sex, or to become fathers.
      2) Men have nothing to gain by marrying their girlfriend, whose insides are no stranger.
      3) Men simply don’t to commit to women with whom they have casual sex.
      4) Both women and men are sexually unsatisfied in marriage due to their sexually uninhibited pasts
      *Open sexuality does not affect our white counter parts the way it does us because like it or not the black community is still far more conservative, and the established promiscuous get labeled.
      Note: TRULY conservative men manage their bodies in similar ways to what they expect from their partners- no double standard.

      1. If you change the word conservative to judgmental or insecure you would have a good point on what plagues the black family.

        I’m sick about hearing how my morals are ruining black america. What’s the point of having black family’s if they aren’t happy. Old School mentality is always trying to focus the problem on what they care about, not what we as a people actually need.

        Nxt you are going to blame rap music for the debt crisis, right? N!ggas.

        1. CHeeKZ,

          "What's the point of having black family's if they aren't happy. "

          Happiness won't come from being able to bed anyone at anytime. Furthermore, how happy are we now that we do have lax morals? When we valued ourselves, we had less INTERNAL community issues. What we need is less selfishness (i.e. I want what I want be [email protected] the aftermath) and more thinking in general (i.e. thinking about what the consequences of an action could be say 5 years down the line).

          No , it's not just about your morals, however, if you multiply everybody doing whatever they want by 20 million, Houston you will have a big problem. Hence the current state of the world.

      2. *Open sexuality does not affect our white counter parts the way it does us because like it or not the black community is still far more conservative, and the established promiscuous get labeled"

        MESSAGE….

        1. I see this all too often BUT still can't wrap my head around as to why this is..

          I mean Sally can be a bonafide train participate and it's known during her younger (high school/college) years but she finishes college gets her degree nabs that good J-O-B and next thing you know she's engaged to a Doctor/Lawyer or a CFO or something, while Shamese may kept her legs closed mostly during her younger years but she had 1 rough year and a few extra bodies and………. it's now quiet for her.

          *Shrug*

      3. I hear what you're saying and there's some truth in it all, but there's a flaw with "old school" thinking. We tend to romanticize how things used to be, but overlook the fact that while men may have been more responsible with taking care of their homes, they also had no problem taking whatever else they wanted from whomever they wanted it from.

        A woman's number was expected to stop once she was married, but that wasn't the case for men. So is that really the paradigm we should model?

        1. "A woman's number was expected to stop once she was married, but that wasn't the case for men. So is that really the paradigm we should model? "

          Of course there is flaws in everything we do because nothing is perfect. However, you have to acknowledge that when most people strive to do the right thing it shows in their communities. Although we THINK the men didn't sleep around once they married, how do we really know? I keep hearing brothers admittedly say they increase their numbers to appear manly. Maybe the youngins read too much in to macho things men did to appear a certain way?

          You have to practice doing and SEE the benefits before we just sit back and doubt without doing. We as a culture allowed too much to go unchecked. Now, it's just [email protected] to the wall and if you can't be 'em join 'em going on. Once a generation grows up seeing this behavior, it will become normal and there you go.

        2. I would like to acknowledge that when people are striving to do right it's displayed in their communities… but I can't because that's more idealistic than realistic. Our society is one seeking constant instant gratification. Striving for something is great, but if it doesn't come fast enough or it doesn't look like it'll meet the expectations that were set, it's abandoned. That's the real underlying problem. And that's part of what governs the "numbers". The "I Want It Now" mentality is what's led to "Situationships" and "Friends With Benefits". It's a way of reaping the fruits without worrying about establishing a relationship first.

          And I don't think men didn't sleep around once they were married. That's exactly my point. Saying how ideal the "family" used to be while glossing over the problems that existed then will set you up for failure.

          I can't control what happens as a culture. Hell, let's keep it real, I can't control what happens in my own family. Everyone has free will. All I can do is live life by my morals and values. I can call myself "checking" somebody, but I'm no angel my damn self. Besides that no matter what I say to someone the decision is ultimately theirs. I can advise, I can share stories, but in the end all I can really do is watch and hope.

      4. Clearly a closed vagina will solve all the black community's problems. So wait are women supposed to be the leaders in our community? Rhetorical. Simplistic answer for simplistic minds. These should always be ignored.

      5. Not to pick on you… But this isn't conservative.

        Men have nothing to gain by marrying their girlfriend, whose insides are no stranger.

        So sex is the only thing we gain from marrying someone? Wow. Is that approach "ol' school"?

        If sexual freedom is what prevents people from marrying then the reason people chose to become married is clearly not a worth while one.

        Or more realistically, as children we didn't "get" the subtleties of relationships and therefore misunderstand how things work. As a child I watched The Cosby Show and missed entire sub-plots. As an adult I understand the contexts now. What you're saying is akin to watching The Cosby Show as a child and never watching it again. Then as an adult using your childish/simplistic understanding of the show to describe something missing entire chunks of important information. To an adolescent male, sex is everything. If you're an adolescent male then I'd get WHY you're starting that. It's a function of you experiencing puberty. But as a grown man though why hasn't your understanding of the mechanics of relationships evolved with age? Not YOU the individual but people who have expressed similar ideas that you have. Maybe the maturity you're implying that's needed is not one of not desiring sex, but it's to understand and accept the complexity of human unions.

        Men have always (since before America) wanted and have sex before marriage (with women, so therefore women had sex too). This isn't a new concept.

        I could go on… but dude… *walks off*
        My recent post How to implement an OODBMS (pt. 1)

        1. "So sex is the only thing we gain from marrying someone?"

          I totally agree. Not saying there isn't something to be said about getting a woman who used a little sexual discretion, but if sex is the cornerstone of your marriage or even your relationship, you're in trouble.

          That Madonna-Whore complex is strong. Dudes round here act like they have the morals from the 1940s, expecting pure women when it comes to MARRIAGE, then going out to the clubs and F'ing every chick possible every which-a-way. What do you think happens to those chicks you F'ed? Someone else (or YOU, after someone else) MARRIED her. They don't disappear just 'cause you decided to get on a moral high horse and act like the only person allowed some spots on your sexual transcript.

        2. @MeteorMan: I disagree with you, and I think Conservative brotha is spot on. I have been in arelationship where I gave my man everything. I cooked, supported him, and gave him the best loving possible, and when he was ready, he moved on. Why? Because I gave him everything and held nothing back. Even though we were in love, he had nothing more to gain, by committing himself to me until death-do-us-part. So when I told him it was time to commit or quit. He decided to move on. He has tried to come back a few times, but only for physical fulfillment, not commitment.
          Lesson Learned? HOLD SOMETHING BACK- Don't give a dude your all until he is ready to commit.

  1. I already told you on Twitter how I feel….. long as she hasn't slept with more than me then we're cool. If she's been with more than that then I'm looking at that last used vehicle on the lot that is just about on it's last leg. I don't need her to be a virgin & she actually will never have to even worry about me asking her of her sexual past before me, but if she volunteers it to me & it's more than mine then I must question her criteria for sexual partners because the bar is set to low.

    Either that or she has associated lust/sex with love, which is a problem in & of itself.

    1. Sounds like insecurity to me! Would it be so awful if a woman had/loves sex just as much as you do? Just because she's gotten more than you and is now committed to a relationship with YOU, what is the difference? and why are you not questioning YOURSELF about your criteria for sexual partners?? Lord. double standards absolutely IRK me!

      1. Sorry but I can’t date a woman who’s number is in the double digits. Call me dumb or what have you, but to know that ten separate men have literally been INSIDE you is a problem. Men we may have sex with a lot of women, but our secular organs are external, so there’s no penetrating. But for a woman you actually haveem going INTO your body. Maybe I’m too visual, but for me any more than 9 is a problem. A serious problem.

        1. I'm sorry but it took me about three minutes to compose myself. To reply to this, you're setting yourself up for failure by saying something like this. You the main dude who gets lied to. A chick got these things called friends… Friends is real cool too because they will tell you, "That dude at your job said what? You should tell your man." Or they will be like, "Your man don't like women who been with double digit dudes? Don't tell him that sh*t then." And then they laugh, drink wine, and play Taboo. Setting yourself up for failure dawg.

        2. "And then they laugh, drink wine, and play Taboo"

          #YOLO

          Dr. J — You must either have lots of female play cousins or females friends.

          lol

        3. You have to be young, plan on marrying someone young, and live in a small city. Because after you get women over a certain age they have been having sex for "X "number of years 10 isn't that many. But like I said you could be 22 so 10 could seem like a ton of people. Trust me its not.

        4. I don’t go out and tell them that anything more than 10 is a problem for me. I let them hang themselves. I’m actually 26 but hey I have my preferences and I’m sure everyone else has theirs. Some ppl the number doesn’tatter but for me it does.

        5. Jason Esq is alone on his first comment. He got it. BUT, since when is 10 a small number? lol I see a lot of people using the "one a year" formula but who says you have to have sex once a year? You can't have a two or five year relationship with one person? No? Oh, ok…

          Sorry, but I think folks are looking for a cop out. While the number shouldnt matter, if you have to come up with excuses for your number you must feel some type of way about it ya-damn-self. If you don't care, like so many here claim, then own up to it and keep it moving. Just because you dont meet the Jason Esq of the world self-imposed standard doesnt make you a bad person. This "one a year so it's cool" theory doesnt make sense. By that theory, if you start at 15 and don't get married until you're 35 you'll be at 20 and well…

          *looks back up at post*

          My recent post Video Blog: Heartbreak and Lucky Charms

        6. That's true. It's a very conservative rate to use as an example is all. And 10 partners can manifest itself in 10 thousand different ways. She could have only had 3 long term relationships, but added 7 other people by constantly cheating on her boyfriends. It could mean that she 1 relationship that included swingers or was an open relationship. It could mean she had 1 or 2 long term relationships and then a bunch of one night stands after each break up. Or it could be a mixture of men and women. Or it could include threesomes. Or she could have had a bunch of partners in just 1-3 years and then been celibate for the next 7-9 years.

          The point being a number doesn't say anything outside of itself. And I'm sure the additional context to HOW those numbers were accumulated changes your perception on said number.

        7. We may have to agree to disagree. 10 is 10. Whether you slept with 10 guys in one night or 1 guy every year for 10 years. You're still both at 10 and had 10 separate guys in you. Yall can feel how ever you want to feel about that but I feel everything else is an excuse for the ego. Regardless, I don't ask or don't care so this doesnt really affect me lol

        8. I think you're going to have a problem then unless you're in your mid twenties or younger, cause once you hit them thirties & up then she has lived life. This isn't meaning that she has had X amount of partners guaranteed, but that she shouldn't be looked down upon for having more than 10 over a span of 14 or so years.

          Especially given that women start to hit their sexual prime during the thirties & if they are not married, a few of those attempted relationships could be all it takes to push them into the double digit range.

          I mean, if you're 20 & talking about her having +10 experiences is one thing but if you're in your thirties then you're setting yourself up possibly.

      2. Ain't no double standards here, I'm expecting that if I'm no saint then who am I to judge her on sanctity. But if you have gone above me, then you're moving to fast because I'm out here but I'm also not just sleeping with everybody.

        There is also a good reason for double standards….. we as men do not get pregnant, we as men also do not bare any signs of promiscuity (aside from the possibility of an STD). Getting your innards stretched out to where I don't feel no walls not only tells me you have had many partners, but that it was recent….. while at the same time is not offering anything to myself or you. There is no reason for us to date in that situation!

        If a woman loves sex as much as I do is personally fine, if a woman pursues sex more than I do then there is a problem….. especially since I'm not in pursuit of it & it simply comes. She & I are not on the same wavelengths & therefore a relationship will not work out.

    2. Thank you Malik, you hit on what I left out. The number itself is not the only factor. But how’d you get that # that is just as important. I do believe in a double standard as well. But let’s not jump into that right now.

  2. Give a damn. The number doesn't tell you anything that certain personality and behavior wouldn't type you off sans that knowledge. The number doesn't tell me nor guarantee that if it's low she won't have a STD/STI. And you're not going to ever get reliable information based on that. It doesn't tell you anything about how she has sex. It doesn't tell how well she has sex.

    I can't say much about the discrepancy between the two sexes though. I don't know how much non-heterosexual relationships are accounted for. I imagine gay and bisexual men have significantly more sex, averages wise, than heterosexual men and women, so that's probably partly why we're always higher. It doesn't really help that a lot of lesbians have different definitions about what constitutes as "sex" for each of them individually. So even if they've laid with 15 partners, they may only consider that they've had sex with 3 of them.

    [b]Why do we focus on both having the right to sleep with more instead of striving for both to sleep with less?[/b]
    As for this, we focus on having more sex because our country's puritanical values have always told us that sex is EVIL. And unfortunately far too much of the sex-positive dialogue is centered around free love and combating slut shaming instead of attempting to have a nuanced dialogue regarding the entire spectrum of sexuality and sexual expression.

  3. Well I just had this convo with another reader recently. And my feelings on the matter are similar to yours, WIM. I don't much care to be honest. My number is… well it's a number, lol. I've basically always lightly adhered to the joke take the number a man gives you and divide by 3 to get his actual number. For women, multiply by 3.

    I don't really know why I don't care. It's one of those things that I guess should bother me, but doesn't. As long as I don't end up having to take a cocktail of meds to clear up or manage a "special gift" you left behind for me, or you have a psychotic, serial killer ex who's about to get out, I don't feel the need to know. But yes, if said number is revealed to be high, I miiiiiight wanna go get some tests done together. Just sayin.

      1. Agreed here…I don't even remember the last time I was asked what my number was nor have I ever asked anyone what theirs was. Co-sign

      2. @twism….. I'm all about that rule of 3, even though I will truthfully give my answer if asked cause I don't base accomplishments off of how many women I have bedded.

        My ex told me we needed a break, which lasted for quite some time & I eventually started talking to someone else. The passion between us was extremely high & of course we had sex! Since it was originally thought that me & the ex would get back together at some point, we discussed my new relationship once I noticed that the ex was getting kind of friendly with me.

        She made the mistake of asking me if I had had sex with the new girl….. moments later she was making the comment of she really shouldn't have asked that because she definitely didn't want the truth.

        Women so often say they want the truth when it comes to our sexual past, but never quite realize they may not be prepared for the answer since they do not know truthfully what is even acceptable to them in their own head.

        She don't want me to lie, but she don't wanna hear the truth!

  4. I will not ask a man how many people he has been with. I just don’t want to know. As long as you come back clean and you are faithful to me your past will remain that. If you ask me I will probably tell you if its truly important but I feel that all you need to know is that I’m clean and the paper work says so. Also that the chances of you running into/ hearing about my partners is low. So that’s all you need to know. My health is good, my stuff is good, and I’m not the neighborhood garden tool.

  5. I don't really care too much how many women my significant other has been with. As long as he was smart about it, and has enough experience to know what he's doing now, I'm cool. I don't think I'd necessarily want to be with a guy that has less experience than me. Not saying I wouldn't, but I don't really want to do any 'teaching'.

    I don't view men and women's numbers equally. Why not? Sh*t, idk. Society made it so. And men and women aren't equal in sooo many ways. Deal with it. I've accepted this double standard because I haven't been whoring myself around. I'm sure if I had a higher number, I would try to oppose the double standard and defend women's rights to have sex with as many guys and as often as they'd like. But I don't… How many is too many? For a woman, it's whatever number that gives you a slut rep. Probably around 15ish, depending on your age. Men can be sluts too, but unfortunately no one cares. =/ I didn't make the rules, y'all.

    This stigma usually only surrounds women. Apparently, men don't care anyway! Stop worrying about what other women think. If you want to have sex with 1,000 men, fine, do you. I might not advise it, but who am I?

    And what is this unique way of counting sexual partners that women utilize? I'm out of the loop.
    My recent post Signs That I’m Getting Old…

    1. I got this off Dr. J's site. It's hilarious.
      The Female Numerical System:
      -ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, NOTHING COUNTS…. This can be extended to the entire month/week depending on how she celebrates.
      -If he didn’t finish, it didn’t count
      -If she was drunk, it didn’t count
      -If she doesn’t remember, didn’t count
      -If she was in the islands or overseas, it didn’t count
      -If she was mad at another guy, whether it be her man or eff buddy, didn’t count
      -If she didn’t tell her friends, didn’t count
      -If she COULDN’T tell her friends, for reasons such as, he’s ugly, he’s disgusting, or just generally an old monkey ass “negro,” that’s right, didn’t count
      -If it was wack, didn’t count
      -If she was, “going through a stage,” i.e., Arissa from real world, didn’t count
      -If she was in a three or moresome, that counts as one
      -If he was younger than her, unless, it was some Pretty Ricky, Chris Brown, feel good, didn’t count
      -If he dies, there’s no proof of sex, so he is removed too (that’s for my hood girls, I luv yall.)

        1. To me if you have to lie about the number of people you've been with then maybe you don’t need to have as much sex as you’ve been having. If you slept with 15 dudes then own up to it if you slept with two dudes then own up to it.

          (I mean we all get one get out of jail free card) but when you've slept with 20 people and now all of a sudden 7 don’t count, maybe you need to reevaluate how you’re managing your goods.

        2. I don't know if this was actually directed at me, [as I thought it was clear that I was joking] but I agree. Own up to what you've done. Having regrets about someone you slept with doesn't negate the fact that you had sex. I have no problem whatsoever discussing my number.
          My recent post A Brief Hiatus…

        3. I know you were joking but theres a little truth to each joke, and im sure theres women lying about their number so they wont be judged

        4. Oh, there most definitely are. In my judgemental opinion, if you need to think that hard to come up with your number, or you can't remember someone's name that you had sex with – I've already labeled you a slut. But again, that's just me. Be comfortable with what you chose to do and stop worrying about what I think.
          My recent post A Brief Hiatus…

        1. Unless you're in a relationship… in that case dudes is like…

          If I didn't finish, it don't count.

          If it was out of the state where I reside. It don't count.

          If it was anywhere in the state of nevada – don't count.

          If she did something that you (the girlfriend) don't do – it don't count.

          And lastly… If it was paid for… it don't count.

          lol…

    2. I don't think I'd necessarily want to be with a guy that has less experience than me. Not saying I wouldn't, but I don't really want to do any 'teaching'.
      You can't really judge experience by your number of PARTNERS…you could have had three long term relationships where you were having sex everyday all which ways and have plenty of experience but your number is not double digits. Food for thought.

    3. Honestly, I care about a guy's number. Especially in the beginning, cause if this dude has bedded 20+ women, what makes me any different? When will he stop messing around? But more important is how he made those 20. One night stands in his youth? If he wrapped it up that's fine. But if it was 20 short-term relationships, well, that tells a lot about a guy. Commitment issues etc.

      I guess if I bed-hopped, I'd be ok with him doing it too, but since I'm an unattractive prude I don't, so I don't want him to do it either.

  6. Traditionally & historically, women have been held to all kinds of standards that do not affect men, so it's not surprising that we are not as concerned about men's sexual histories as they are concerned with ours. I generally don't ask or wonder about specific numbers. However, I am interested in finding someone who does not sleep around, whether single or committed. I may be in the minority, but I would marry a virgin if all else checks out. As always, I think people simply need to find others whose values align with theirs…and to lay off the hypocrisy. If you believe that women should be as nasty and "free" as possible, don't expect her to only gain her ease and skills with one to four partners while you hit everything walking with a cute smile. Nonetheless, women should keep in mind the fact that a male slut (let's say in a past life for argument's sake) – personality & financial stability-permitting – will often still be able to pull a good girl. In an ideal world, birds of a feather would indeed flock together. However, we live in an "I'm allowed to do this, but you aren't" world.

    I don't think anyone has ever asked me outright, but I would be put-off if my answer were regarded with skepticism. We ain't all the same, bro.

    1. " If you believe that women should be as nasty and "free" as possible, don't expect her to only gain her ease and skills with one to four partners while you hit everything walking with a cute smile."

      In this hypothetical man's defense; I position that he's actually going around sleeping with all these women so he can acquire the proper knowledge to properly please that one virginal beauty that he falls in love with in each and every single way that is imaginable to her. Should we not APPLAUD this man?

      1. I can't recall ever hearing guys justify their hoeish behaviour by stating that they're trying to acquire valuable skills for their future wife. It's usually a matter of going after something that's caught their eye and southern head. And one definitely does not need to acquire a large number of conquests if that's the goal. A few, coupled with a lot of attention and experimentation, could easily do the trick.

        1. lol I knew you were just being troublesome, but there are some guys who would really try to pull that argument. My response was geared towards those, sans disclaimer.

  7. isn't the number thing a young man's game anyway? I mean once you get to 30 you could reasonably be in the double digits if you only averaged 1 person a year to have sex with if you lost your virginity at say 20. And unless you were married or took years off of dating, I don't think having sex with only a single person per year is outrageous.

  8. Doesn’t matter to me either way, i’ve never had a problem divilging my number. probably cuz my number is verrrry low, there’s no way it could reflect badly on me. I’d want to know my partner’s number, just cuz I’m curious like that. But if a guy doesnt want to yell me, i generally respect his right to privacy. Like i said, its not that serious. Honestly with guys, I expect the worse, so usually when guys tell me I’m pleasantly surprised lol..

    Anyway seeing the weird counting system and the stuff girls go thru to keep their numbers low just makes me happy I went about it the way that I did. All of that sounds stressful.

  9. For the sake of controversy, there's a point that I've always wanted to bring up, and it only seems appropriate here. When the issue of numbers comes up, there are generally a few guys who are adamant that once the guy gets the tip in – doesn't even have to be a full stroke – sex has been had. For those, I would like to point out the fact that if she had been adamant up to and including that point that she did not want to have sex with you, then in fact what took place was rape. Your call.

    On that note, I will stop ignoring the fact that I was supposed to be asleep hours ago.

    1. Listen, I don't give a eff what no brown nosing blogger say. If you let me put it in, YOU LET ME PUT IT IN. That aint no damn rape. That don't make no sense. If you don't let me beat on Tuesday, but Wed you feel like you know me that aint rape, its a whole other point in the space time continuum. So if you tell me no at 739AM, but than I slip the D thru your panties at 743AM…. I'm good to go. No charges like Kobe.

      Word to Mike Tyson, 2pac, & Strauss-Kahn.
      #Catdaddy

      1. Actually, and unless my biology classes have failed me, no it can't. Getting pregnant isn't easy, and even if pre-cum is to have a chance, you kind of have to have full-on penetration…not just sticking your head in at the entrance. But anyone who is more knowledgeable can feel free to correct me.

        @TM, I'm not really talking about people who say alla that. If you notice, I made it clear to say that the woman had been adamantly saying "no" to chex, so she would have likely said no to that as well. To answer to Cheekz point, the scenario doesn't paint a picture of a woman letting a man in. You know how comfortable people get even though they're not sure about stuff, or how they get into everything else except for the "dreaded" penetration which would add to numbers. Picture a dude playing around opportunistically trying to get her in a zone, and then working the tip in somehow, but then her pushing him off afterwards…not saying "oh well, we're here now; might as well go all the way!"

    2. But who says "Just let me put the tip in?"….like, really – who says that? Are these the same mythical ninjas talmbout "Just lick it real quick?" Let me go sit in the corner now….

      1. lmao Tef! When they say just lick it real quick they are gonna build on it and be like okay you might as well gone and suck it now. Balls logic?

        1. Baby balls logic – I would be so turned off by that, lol. Don't tell me to lick the tip…tell me to choke on it.

          *sits back down in corner chair*…._

        2. Welp. I'm gonna admit something to you Tef bc you're my big sis on here. That's how I was duped into doing it my first time. Kiss it. Okay lick it. You might as well suck it now.

          Awww youth.

        3. That was the high school move right there.

          First you hit em with the "you wanna see it?"

          Then once it's out you hit em with the "yo, wanna touch it?"

          Then once they touch it you hit em with the "give it a kiss…"

          Game.Set.Match.

          But that was high school though. No need to do all that as an adult. Just hit em with the Killa Cam. "Baby girl i wanna know… you gon' s*ck it or not."

      2. After dealing with men over the age of 25 i haven't heard the words "let me put the tip in" or "Just lick it real quick" I also as I got older I didn't put myself in situations where someone could say "let me put the tip in" because if we in the bed together 9 times out of 10, I want to sleep with you.

        @CheeKz – Not sure if you were joking but yes that is still rape. That is what you call date rape and if the girl wanted to press charges she could and you would go to jail.

    3. IDK Naija, this comment kind of went over my head. I'm not sure how you connected putting the tip in to rape, unless forced, well then that's rape regardless of if he got the tip or any other portion in. Forced is forced, so I'm not positive how the two are related. This seems to be more a consensual versus non-consensual debate rather than how much of his Richard he got in. That's just me tho.

      To the other commenters, I played the "just let me put the head in" game in High School – and for the record, it was fairly effective. That said, these days I don't play that BS game because I'm a grown man. If we gone do it, cool. If not, cool. Pass me the remote.

      My recent post N****s in Paris and Beyond

      1. Simply put, rape is non-consensual sex. I suppose I'm not familiar with all the applicable laws, but some jurisdictions or bodies simply refer to it as "sexual intercourse without valid consent". It does not require coerciveness or violence, just that there was one unwilling participant. My point is that if you consider it to be sex, then you have to consider the possibility of it being regarded as rape according to such definitions.

  10. I don’t really care to hear her # and I damn sure wont ask. As long as shes STD free and the vagina don’t look beat the hell up we good!

    1. I co-sign. As long there is good elasticity and she doesn’t have anything that will make me question “what did I do last night” while looking at my man in the mirror in the morning, I am good…I can’t judge anyone for what they may have done in the past.

  11. My current boyfriend doesnt know my number. When he asked I simply said, " If I say 3 you'll think I'm lying & if I say 30 you'll think I'm a hoe. So I'm not even gonna go there with you". I dont know nor care how many women he's slept with. He can sleep with 1 girl for the first time & get HIV or he can sleep with 15 girls and never catch anything. So why should I be concerned? I have plenty of female friends who make excusesfor why such & such "doesnt count". Knowing that, I'm led to believe the majority of people lie so why even ask? JMO

  12. " personally don’t care how many men (or women) my woman has been with and even if she tells me, I will assume she’s lying."

    And there it is. Asking is futile.

    I don't care too much as long as she is clean, and as long as she wasn't the neighborhood heaux.

  13. I personally don’t care about my man’s “number” but I understand why some men and women would care..particularly men. If they think the girl they are with is wifey they probably will believe that her number, if too high, sheds light on her character. If you are opening wide for anything that walks (and certain numbers WILL reflect that), you probably have a complex and no self respect for yourself and even if you don’t, that’s what people that know your number will think of you. Ladies, you don’t want to be too easy..make a man work for what you got…and theres no way that if you are 25 years old 30 men have worked that hard…sorry.

  14. I don’t really need to know my man’s number as long as he is clean and hasn’t slept with another man we are good.

    For the most part as men get older I think they don’t bother asking how many anymore I think they start focusing more on who you slept with. For example have you sleep with anyone in his crew , his job, his friends, family, etc… And if so have you cross that path with more than one of his associates

  15. If my man’s number hasn’t caused HIV or any other STD that he can give to me, I don’t necessarily care…I know a heaux that I went to undergrad with who is married and a virgin who is 33 and unmarried, who knows why some people get married and others don’t? I doubt that it has to wholly do with how many sexual partner one has had..as a general rule anyway.

  16. On a sidenote that is slightly related….

    How and why are there still men in the world who say stuff like “I don’t eat it box. ever. My Richard game is enough that she wouldn’t need it”. I just started dating a guy who mentioned that and I was surprised to hear a man say that in 2011.

    PSA: Like Nike. Just do it

    1. Hey Queen!
      This dude told me that one time too. He was like I'm good enough that I don't have to do all that extra stuff. It wasn't like I was about to confirm or anything so I was just like "word? I doubt it" lol Not really but I was thinking I wonder if his girlfriend would agree.

      1. Krystl! Don't use that powerful statement for evil lmao. Well anymore evil than challenging women to show you they can do something they claim to do very very good.

        1. ya'll aint never ate some terrible box…..squeeze a penny in your palm for 3 mins then take out the penny and lick your palm

        2. Ay soapy dyck ain't fun either. Feels like I got in trouble for saying a bad word. Talk about foaming at the mouth.

        3. Girl they don't understand what we go through….the juggling, the gagging, the carpal tunnel, the lock-jaw, the blindness in one eye, the intestinal discomfort of swallowing on an empty stomach…they just.don't.know.

        4. …the falling to sleep feet, the tennis elbow, the hair in my mouth, the sore throat, the swollen lips, the nearly drowning because it shot up my nose a little bit.. To quote Samantha on SITC, "its called a job for a reason."

          But blindness in one eye Tef? This is why I wear goggles when I do it.

        5. @The Guy: Naw…nor would I. If I get down there and it smells, looks, or tastes funny I'm throwing the challenge flag, ASAP. I need a third party to objectively review the scene and provide feedback. Fortunately, other than scent – which made me stop and reroute de-Plane anyway, I havent had this problem.

          #GodIsGood

          My recent post A Real Woman

      2. Krystl you too? I just don’t get it. If you think giving brain is a walk in the park think again. Also I think any men that have a bad experience should get back on that horse and try again……with a cleaner woman.
        Oh and @The Guy…..a woman’s diet can affect how that box tastes. You may want to tell she might want to watch what she eats…

        1. LMAO!!! I dont know why "watch what she eats" is so hilarious to me. I'm just imagining the process of isolating different foods to see whats causing the tang… is it pineapple? is it the oj everyday? LMAO too much fiber? haha sorry..

          But that is true.. I figure if a girl tastes funny though.. our pheromones just aren't popping so god is trying to tell me something… namely.. next!

        2. Actually pineapple is supposed to help…allegedly because it's so high in sugar. Then again it's somewhat acidic and I've read that's bad for taste so idk but I've heard pineapples and grapes are the best things you can eat for that. What you want her to steer clear of is brocolli and asparagus and processed foods. Things like that. lol I'm not entirely sure it's true.

  17. I just care that your numbers aren't increasing while you are with me. That you have learned some lessons from your number. That your number doesn't and won't ever include anyone I know. I can only expect what I am willing to give.

    I value monogamy and always have. I enjoy s#x like the next person, but learned early that sex with feelings attached is the BEST. I was never the one to wear my heart on my sleeve either. So for me anything less is settling and I am just not that pressed.

  18. You are so right…that mental connection makes it so much better/intense. And in my opinion, your number of partners reflects nothing about your experience. When you are in a relationship you are more comfortable and willing to do and try anything and everything. That is the best teaching tool as opposed to all these one night stands. And, you are and in my opinion should be having sex on the reg..meaning AT LEAST every other day..

  19. Hmmm, i ain’t even gonna lie, I care how many bodies a man that could be a potential future Mr. G6 has, but at the same time I understand a man’s number will always triple mine that is why I have a body count range that I am willing to accept. 20-25 you good in my book — 30 to mid 30’s range I am sideyeing you hard and we gonna have to get that test ASAP, but past 40?!!? Nah Son, I’m sorry I can’t and will not WITH YOU. I’m sorry but to me it speaks volumes to me in regards to your judgement/taste and discernment when dealing with women.

    1. If we spent half as much times teaching are sons to be choosey about who they sleep with and not just who they wife up or commit too, this conversation wouldn’t be needed. We put all the pressure on our daughters and let our sons run wild.

      1. The illogical thing about that is…sons have s3x with daughters…lol. So if we are teaching the boys to get as many as possible, our daughters are the many they will be getting.

        So that is dumb…really. It so funny when you see fathers all proud that Jimmy Jr. got caught with a girl in his room in a compromising position, yet the same father freaks out if the daughter get caught in the same way…DUDE, your son was with someone's daughter—-hypocrisy comes back to haunt you every time….

        1. I thought about this in college one time before I realized that it's jumpoffs in this world who got a good thing going for them.

          We think that for every dude that slept with 30 chicks, it's 30 chicks out there who slept with him. That's not all the way true. You got to keep in mind, it's some chicks that just about everybody ran through, and some chicks who just kept a solid boyfriend, or didn't really hop around that much..

        2. I actually know chicks like this too. I know one chick who said, "After two or three times, I don't get turned on as much." Another chick who was like, "Everybody got 1 or 2 jumpoffs, but anymore than a four man rotation is too much. But you got to have two because the first might not be available." Then ANOTHER one was like, "I got a dude I can go to when i'm single, but when i'm in a relationship that's the only person I want to be with." <—- That chick probalby only gonna have, Her Boyfriends + 1 dude = BODY COUNT. So it happens, different chicks out here.

          And trust me, a dad knows that his daughter is a jump

        3. I understand that, and I guess that's why most people choose not to care about numbers. I wonder if people just know that finding a person with low miles in this day and age is like finding a diamond in the rough. The little girls in high school are off.the.hook today and are already surpassing women in my age group.

          I am not sure if I want to even guess if there are more relationship type women/men versus jump-offs. That's where things get fuzzy.

        1. i aint raising no hoe, and my son gonna get plenty of chicks……its the way of the world, he don't gotta push kids out of that box, women do, so you gotta handle that thang w/ care

    2. I read a comment upthread and wanted to point out that where men go wrong is forgetting that their sexual history can speak to lack of self-respect as well. Because not enough women hold them accountable for it, however, they think it's all gravy.

      I don't ask about numbers, but I will pay attention and piece together the puzzle of how freely you engage in sexual activity, and with what level of discernment. However, if some guy had 40+ women (keeping with your breakdown), but got to a point where he did some self-assessment and was not happy with the way he's been doing things and basically called it quits until he found something of substance, I think I'd be willing to give him a chance. Frame of mind will ultimately be the deciding factor for me. It's not really "saving a hoe" if he/she got him/herself together and made a change before you came along.

        1. lol I say alla that, but I'm still looking to marry that guy who was never there to begin with. I definitely feel you on your stance; I just always consider certain scenarios that could play out so as not to make an unwitting hypocrite of myself.

  20. My answer to this question is "baby there was only one person before you" ~_~ unless it was a threesome then it was two. Quit asking questions you really don't want to know the answer too.

  21. To answer the question posed at the end of the post…

    I don't think the sexes strive for the right to sleep with more. I think men are content where they are and (many) women are striving to squash the "double standard" so they can go into the land of loins o'plenty without any future dating implications.

    "If you can do it, why can't I?"

    Sometimes people want "rights" just to say they have "rights" and to reduce any dissonance they're feeling about the inability to control themselves. And another thing:

    People will fight for quantity of partners, but have no idea how to fight for quality of relationships.

    I do believe we should be striving for less. Every poomp you throw your jawn into increases the likelihood of unpleasant and/or undesirable results. But maybe that's just the "I don't want diseases or kids right now" side of me talking.
    My recent post Change a Life: Why You Should Always Express Gratitude

    1. Id have to disagree with your premise. That women are fighting for the “right” to do what men do. For the sake of having the right. At least on a personal level, it was never about rights or equality. It was about doing what felt right and true to me despite rules that made no sense. It was about looking at the real truth of the situation and choosing for myself.

      The truth is, the newness of my box can’t possibly determine my value. Or my self worth, self respect, morals or other virtues. These things are developed totally independent of what happens in the bedroom. I can be promiscuous and choosy, have self control, make wise decisions and be disease free. All at the same time. And the truth is, I can be honest, and open about all of that and still find a man who will want me for life. Given thosr truths, I could come up with no good reason not to get naked with whomever I felt like getting naked with. But that’s just me.

      1. Doing what feels right despite the rules is fine for self worth, respect, and morals is fine. But you can't fully divorce self esteem from societal views. They're interdependent on one another. Also that actually seems to support Slim's argument of trying to reduce dissonance.

        1. Sure you can. If you are naturally a rebel, have always been outside the norm in other aspects, were raised to do your own thing and not give a damn what people think, are missing the shame gene and you are at the age when you should quit caring, period. Having self esteem independent of society’s views is simply how I roll. And I’m not the only one. It’s not hard when society’s rules are illogical and outdated. If you can see that clearly, there is no dissonance.

        2. I could pick through you saying how you can "naturally" be something and be "raised to do you own thing" in the same sentence but that's a bit more tangential than I wan to be. Self esteem and society are interdependent. They feed into each other. If you feel completely comfortable in your own skin doing what you do that's fine. As long as you don't push society's norms too far you won't be questioned or judged and be given respect for what you do. However, if you do something considered too egregious, it doesn't matter how high your esteem is you'll be shunned. It doesn't matter how great OJ Simpson considers himself, he will always get a side eye from people for the rest of his life.

          It's an innate human impulse to belong and feel accepted. No matter how much of a rebel one may be. And regardless of how solitary one may be, if there isn't a true sense of belonging it changes your behavior and your perceptions – including one's self view.

    2. First, thanks for answering that question Slim since most skipped over it. I'd actually have to agree that (most) women seem to simply want the right – even if they're not going to exercise it, which is weird because if that's the case, they already have that right. It becomes more psychological than physical. Physically, you can do whatever the hell you want. In my experience, most women don't sleep around even if they have the opportunity, because they don't want to. Thus, it's a choice. Now whether they don't sleep around because biologically they're not wired to want to or psychologically they dont want to deal with the double standard? (1/2)

      My recent post Video Blog: Heartbreak and Lucky Charms

      1. (2/2)That said, as someone pointed out up thread, we should really take a more holistic view of sex – especially in the black community – than simply saying "men can do this and women can do that" as if the two arent completely dependent on one another's actions. Or as someone else said, cheering on your son for violating someone's daughter's virtue doesnt dismiss the fact that she is still someone's daughter and her virtue was still violated.

        My recent post Guest Blog: You Can’t Write This Stuff

  22. men exaggerate their numbers? who would have thought? i'll never tell my number but its probably not even close to what most people think about me.

    i could give two sh*ts about a woman's number. as long as she is/was safe and her vagina doesn't look/feel used. yeah i know about the elasticity and all that but some of y'all really need to practice kegels.

    didn't read the other comments either but i guarantee that the issue of double standards will be prevalent. to that i say everyone is cool with double standards till it no longer benefits them.
    My recent post Bullies

    1. Yeah, I've never bought into the "elasticity" argument. If it's true, that means women with kids would be far more devastated in that region having pushed out an 7lb+ baby than a woman that has been with a few men, even a few hundred men. I’m doing ok for myself but my Richard is a tad bit smaller than a baby. Maybe I’m the only one… I'm just sayin…

      This right here though: everyone is cool with double standards till it no longer benefits them.

      My recent post Video Blog: Heartbreak and Lucky Charms

  23. A few points before I start just getting ignent:

    1) Male advice – When you're dealing with a woman, think about how she carries herself and come up with a number in your head that she's slept with. Whatever that number is, ask yourself, "Can I really deal with this?" If the answer is no, walk away. If the answer is yes, stick with it. But never ask a chick how many partners she had… those are facts that can't be proved and only going to make you think too much about just who it was. All i'm saying you can tell more about a woman you want to have sex with by how she carries herself, than how many people she slept with.

    2) E'rybody advice – Look people, if a chick has sex with 3 people, and she tells you that, you gonna wonder if you're 4 or 3. It's going to get to you. Same with women. I got a partner who told his chick that she was #34 and #37, and she ain't know how to take that. (Yo… when someone gets that, they gonna bust out laughing.)

  24. Maaaaaaan ya’ll hoes aint never gonna get a man…..you know you been w/ too many dudes when having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.

    1. Funny you should say that… Before I ever lost my virginity I once accidentally put in two tampons and didn't notice until after I took the one out and realized there was still another string hangin… OH. And I've been told by MULTIPLE men (call me a hoe all you want) that I'm "suuuuuuuper tight" soooooo maybe reexamine your criteria for a "hoe"? OR you could get off your misogynistic high horse and stop calling women "hoes"? OR, even better, go on calling us hoes: make it easier for the rest of us to dodge that bullet.

  25. I ain't even share my theory on numbers. When I was in college it was a few chicks that was known for getting around and they was dimes. I was like, "If I really want to be doing something, I should try and get with those chicks, because I can smash and she's good looking." But then it was like two or three chicks who was like idolized on campus as being the BADDEST. Dudes would always want to smash, but they couldn't.. then they would find out that she got a dude. As long as dudes wanted to smash and didn't they would always keep these chicks on a pedestal. But it's true, once you smash, you stop wanting to smash because you know you got that.

    So I adopted that theory with my life. I might be an extreme flirt, but I try and not sleep with women for a long time. I think that it's more attractive to be in a room with a bunch of women who want to sleep with you, than women who have. That's just how I feel about it. I like my bed to be like VIP. A woman who makes to VIP knows she got quan and she one of the chosen few.

  26. My take on this may be different. I don’t car about the number I’m too old. When I was in my 20s and late teens I attracted women that were almost 10 years older than me. If I was concerned about their numbers I would have missed out on a lot. The fact that they were having sex when I was playing with G.I. Joes forced me to accept things for what they are. Most guys don’t want to hear it it but women get it in more than us. They have more options and they can have sex easier than us.

    I don’t care about numbers. What I do care about is if you used discretion and if you did anything that will comeback and embarrass me. Call it immature, insecure, or whatever I don’t want to be “that dude”. All the guys know who “that dude” is. I don’t want a crew a dudes sharing stories about my girl nor do I want to come after a long line of trifling reckless bum @ss ninjas.

    Everyone seems to be cool with that other person as long as they test clean. I’m not. Prostitutes, strippers, and p*rn stars can all test clean. I’ve seen/known people to behave RECKLESS. What’s reckless? Having unprotected sex with strippers at parties or running trains unprotected. So yeah you may be negative and clean but I don’t want to deal with anyone that will risk their health or life for some sex.

        1. raw sex is negotiable, just gotta be handled with care, if me and you were talking i would try to raw you if both our situations was right…just tryna keep it real

        2. I like it raw too. #thatswhyigotmarried I'm joking and I'm not joking at the same time.

          If it's negotiable for everybody you "talk to" to hit it raw with you, I'm not gonna feel very privileged and because there is no restricted access to your loins, I'll just not even visit. I'm too VIP for that.

        3. haha one of the major plus points of marriage besides the purchasing power

          but its always VIP when its raw, that's one my long term investments lol

        1. It's from this expert article where this dude said that people who use condoms are sleeping around because if they was in a commited relationship and not sleeping with no one else and had already been tested, no reason why not…

          Dude made a good case, not that I agree with it or not.

        2. i'm straight up w/ it, if im messin w/ you and there's BC involved? i don't wanna wear a jimmy its gonna be brought up, but i'll only raw one girl at a time, can't be talking to 4 girls at once and rawing all them, that's how u catch the monkey, but nobody likes wearing condoms, chicks aren't fans of the latex either so we might as well work something out so we can not use em….lets keep it 100

        3. "…i'll only raw one girl at a time, can't be talking to 4 girls at once and rawing all them, that's how u catch the monkey.."

          Lawdamercy…

    1. You said p*rn. That draws some attention we ain't trying to have around here. Site's called Single Black Male and then you drop P*rn in a comment and next thing you know you got ads for women who want to see videos with black men and white women popping up.

  27. I think women worry about their numbers… I do. Thats why I know at one point I would feel embarrassed to tell my honest number and don't go over that, pretty simple.

    I also have a range where I would start to feel weird about a guy's number so if his is over that then I would really have to think about things.

  28. (1 of 2)

    I think it's important to pay attention to particular stages in a person's life. A lot of times when you're young, you're not necessarily looking for anything substantial…it doesn't mean that your life is a series of one night stands either…but I think as you grow older and your maturity level increases, you become a bit more selective and other factors along with sexuality become important. The number of sexual partners that a person has or has had is interesting…but how (un)important it is, is truly a decision left to the parties involved. People have many reasons for why they value monogamy…for some it's morals…for some it's insecurity…fear of being judged…social conditioning…religion….spiritual reasons…whatever….same thing applies to multiple sex multiple partners…sometimes it's a maturity thing…an insecurity..a need for constant validation…or you just view sex a certain way.

    1. I was just having a conversation with my boy offline and said, "Chick should just ask a dude if he had a girl in college… cause if he didn't… this is easy math:

      17 weekends a semester for 4 years. That's 34 *4 = 136 weekends. And be honest with yourself about what dudes do and think on the weekend EVERYTIME. Just about every dude, no matter whether he a good dude or a grimy dude starts the weekend with some variation of, "Where the h*es at?"

      Let's say he had a 25% success rate, which in COLLEGE is LOW. Like you are a HERB, if you batting .250 in college. It's even schools like I think Dartmouth or Tufts that nobody man or woman believes in relationships. This is why this discussion pisses me off so much. Dudes and women are just not thinking logically. And that's just college.

  29. (2 of 2)

    There are stigmas associated with both ends of the spectrum. I think that sometimes people prefer mates with a low number of sexual partners out of some false sense of security…because it makes THEM feel secure or because it somehow translates to a “good” woman or “good” man…or someone who is more likely to be faithful and responsible. And those who have or have had multiples sex partners are viewed as frivolous, irresponsible or lacking morals. There are sooo many factors that influence a person’s choice of the number of his or her sexual partners…may wanna focus on the motivation behind those choices….not just the number itself.

  30. FYI, while I understand some men’s need to be able to tell if a girl has a high number, there really is no way to know. Having one well endowed boyfriend or a big headed kid can stretch you out. If you are naturally small and elastic or do Kegels you can stay tight no matter how many you’ve done..

    How a girl carries herself is also a bad measure. Nowadays you have virgins acting ho-ish. People do a lot of things that “don’t count” so they can keep that number down. She may decided to take an orak tour of the athletic dept. Then there are girls who dress and act promuscuous but like to flirt and thats it. You know, the tease. Men also make some false assumptions based on how a girl is dressed. Anybody can wear stripper heels to the club. Tells you nothing.

    Hate to break it to ya, guys. You won’t know.

    1. "Hate to break it to ya, guys. You won't know."

      That's assuming he didn't want to know. If you listen to a person, you know. It comes out even when you aren't looking for it. People can only hide so much of themselves without slipping up with little comments like,

      "I was messing with him earlier this year, but I've been with 2 other dudes since then so…"

      or "Men and women are different, women shouldn't sleep around like men do cause…."

      Those two statements while seemingly innocent really say a lot about each person saying it.

    2. "Having one well endowed boyfriend or a big headed kid can stretch you out."

      What? No. That's not how it works. As someone who has fisted several women, it's gone back to size immediately removing it. I'd venture to say that unless that man has some sort of elephantiasis in his nether regions, my fist is bigger.

      1. *lmao*

        But Malik the fact that you were ABLE TO fist fcuk these women, doesn't that give you pause to think that maybe JUST maybe……..even if it does shrink back to its original size from outer appearances but those insides/walls tho!!!

        1. Not really. It's actually not that complicated to do if you know how to gradually work it in. P0rn has it people twisted you don't just Shoryuken (昇龍拳, shouryuuken, "Rising Dragon Fist") right into it. And there are always lubricants you can use if she isn't wet enough. Regardless my dikc is fine for the insides/walls.

      2. I said it can. Doesnt mean it will. Depends on the girl. I’ve heard about men complaining about it never going back after the kid was born, others say it went back. Really depends.

    3. I think this is in reply to me. You totally didn't comprehend what I was saying… I said that a man should come up with a number in his mind based on how she carries herself and then decide if he's willing to deal with that, but never ask. I didn't say that he would ever be able to tell the actual number. Moreover, I went on to say, regardless, deciding on who to have sex with based on how they carry themselves is always better than how many people they've slept with. You always got to be careful not to take from a comment what you want and miss out on the true meaning.

      And if a girl wears stripper heels to the club… whether she is a virgin or slore, I'm not sleeping with someone who goes out trying to garner that type of attention. Point. Blank. Period.

      1. Dr. J, I respect your opinion but i have to disagree with a lot of what you said here..and let me know if I misunderstood. The way a girl dresses to a club, i.e. “wearing stripper heels” is not an accurate reflection of how many men she has slept with or that she is trying to gamer attention from dudes. I for one LOVE to wear dresses and high heels out to clubs and for the most part its to keep my man looking at me…and I enjoy feeling sexy–there is nothing wrong with that. I am not one of those grls who gets a man and than puts on sweats and thats not who my man would want me to be. You may be into girls that are more “cute” than “sexy” but if so, you are in the minority, I think. So you may not want to sleep with that person, which is fine since you are obviously entitled to your opinion but just because a girl puts on stripper heels (this to me means any Steve Madden since he does not sell any pump less than 4-6 inches) does not mean she is trying to “gamer attention” from men…maybe she loves fashion, feeling sexy and/or just wants attention from her man and trying to keep her man happy. PLUS #whowearsflatstodaclub?

        1. In my mind when she said stripper heels I was thinking of like the joints with the glass bottoms with a few fish floating around in them. Ain't nobody getting mad about some six inch heels. Those are certified approved. And I don't think it's anything wrong with being sexy, I just think trashy shouldn't be the way to go. But I do think we getting mixed up here because when she said stripper heels I was like, "Man I wish our generation hadn't changed the meaning of stripper heels." AND DON'T GET ME WRONG, in the crib, those are totally fine, the glass joints, that is.

        2. lol okaay gotcha. anything is allowed in the crib. this just reminded me of that reggae mix of Akon's song "anytime you see me w/ my clear heels on, it's on" lol

        3. Boy, I’m old school. Half the chicks in the club nowadays look like they’re wearing the streetwalker uniform. No shade, tight mini dresses and platform five inch heels is the syle. I went out and bought a set myself and wore it just to see what would happen. But I’ve talked to a few guys who assumed a woman dressed like that is a heaux.

    1. You told ONE dude..and he's pretty much influenced your decision moving forward? Well I'm sure you've got many beautiful qualities about you besides the number of people you've slept with ( like all of us do)..so guess it's his loss.

      1. Thanks. In my opinion I just don't want to know. I have been with who I been with. I'm darn near 30 so yep I'm in the double digits. Some years were busier than others. What can I say. Sometimes all I want is sex too. Just like a dude. The issue wasn't my number it was the fact that he proceeded (despite my protests) to give me some ridiculous number that he claims was how many women he had been with which made me feel like dude thats just nasty. So here was a guy I originally really liked but now I feel some kind of way.
        Yes it put a sour taste in my mouth. And I probably should of been the last to judge but hey I told him not to tell me.

        1. “I’m darn nea 30 so yep I’m in the double digits. Some years were busier than others. What can I say. Sometimes all I want is sex too. Just like a dude.”

          Me too!!!

  31. Eh, if it wasn't memorable…I won't remember it. No one's ever asked me, but if they did I'd only be able to give a ballpark figure. Those "I coulda had a V8" romps fade quickly, I got a bad memory so if you're not a Hall of Fame VIP or Comedy Hour bad…there's a chance I may have forotten about our wack roll in the hay 10 years ago.

    I don't know that a bona fide "good girl" – the kind that still has a quarter in between her knees at 28 – will truly bust it wide open once she gets the one she's looking for. That's the dream, but I'm not so sure it's the reality. LOL, I wonder which is the worst rep, that you slept with everybody or that you're wack in the sack. *strokes single hair on my chinny chin chin*

    1. Ya'll just gonna have to put me on the do not resuscitate list because Tef just gonna keep killing me with comments like this. *flatlining*

    2. While I don't care about numbers, I do find it amusing that (some) women believe they can be virgins and then when they find "the one" they're going to "pu-pu-put it on him." Based on what? You might not be about that life you think you're about in your head.

      On the flip, I'm not sure how I feel about all out [garden tools] thinking they'll be able to be about that faithful life when they meet "the one." Doubtful. I actually "talked" to a girl like that back in the day and she was literally tired of sex. Like tired. Like humped out. Tread gone. Could care less if she never had sex again in life. #SheWasFine too. Damn shame…

      Know thy self, bro…

      My recent post Video Blog: Heartbreak and Lucky Charms

      1. You're gonna get me fired with the "pu-pu-put it on him" – tooooo funny. I dated the male version of the Worn Out Hoe – he was older and had basically run his crotch into the ground and was looking for someone to love him. Ummmm, I'm still young, I'm ready willing and able, and you're yawning talmbout "let's just watch this movie". Naw dog.

    3. Ion know. I'm a virgin, and I know for a fact once I get started i'll be a DONE DEAL with the guy i'm fawking. As much sex books, p*rn, and anything sex related that I watch I'm just itching to get it started just haven't found a serious relationship to do all the kinky ish I've been wanting to try. I'm not saying I'm gonna be a Roxy Reynolds type chick, but truly wack naaah. I've been waiting TOO long lol.

    4. "I got a bad memory so if you're not a Hall of Fame VIP or Comedy Hour bad…there's a chance I may have forotten about our wack roll in the hay 10 years ago."

      Word. This is how I feel about it. Sh*t happens, so does sex.

  32. Here's a question: who's asking "how many have you been with"? Shouldn't the question be: "What are your sexual habits?" Ol' girl can have 3 partners in her entire life as one night stand(s) and did all of them raw (maybe even at the same time). Think about that.

    This "numbers" thingy is an example of why women act on the premise that our egos are so fragile that they can't even be honest about their past. Let me say this ladies, THOSE, mofos are fragile in the ego. I'm good. I would never ask b/c I'm not interested in knowing, not b/c it'll hurt my feelings. Now if I heard something like: "I used to give head, but now… not so much." Then yes, I'd feel all kinds of ways… But then that has nothing to do with numbers does it?

    To answer all those questions: I don't care to the point it's not a conversation. I don't need an semblance of the rouse that I'm the one that taught her everything or whatever. Can we just have great s3x without judgement? If that's not something you offer, chances are that you're probably really wack…
    My recent post How to implement an OODBMS (pt. 1)

    1. Yeah but not to be an ass…

      A chick can have three husbands and all of them cheated on her. She rawed them all. Why you judging the three one-night stands in the raw? Why the situation about unprotected sex always got to be a one night stand? 9 times out of 10 it don't go down that way. Tell you one thing, if I meet a chick who is like, "I only had one boyfriend since HS and yes, since we were being tested regularly we didn't use condoms" or a chick that's like "I just divorced my third husband because all them cheated on me." I'm weary of that second one. Like seriously, no BS.

      1. LOL. We agree.

        There's no judgement geared towards how people do their one-night stands. That was just something made up.

        My point was that low #'s doesn't tell the whole story. For me, it's about a person's sexual habits. There are women who say things like: "Yo. I love sex but I don't do condoms." Some guys would be like "Oh aight cool." But I wouldn't, that's independent to #.
        My recent post How to implement an OODBMS (pt. 1)

  33. As a person who has had no sex partners, the amount of bodies a guy who I would be in a serious relationship has had would be important to me. Why? Because I haven't given away my cookies all around the neighborhood and I want a guy who used discernment on what type of girls he went to the bedroom with. Maybe I'm naive but I wouldn't want my first time to be with community d*ck.

    1. But…. if its my first meal after I fast… I wouldn't mind having my first meal at the best restaurant in town.. even if its so busy I have to wait to get seated… 😉

  34. My responses: Fellas, do you want to know the number of men (or women) your woman has been with? No. But if she's been with women, I want to know but those are for different reasons that I don't feel like sharing with you folks today…

    Is there a magical number of sexual partners that is “too many” for a woman/man to have? No. I know dudes that topped 100 in High School. I know women that topped 100 in college. It can be done. Of this group, most are married now. Take from this what you will.

    Have you ever stopped dating someone because of their number? No. I have looked at people differently though. You'd be surprised what you don't know about the people you claim you know. All I have to say about that.

    My recent post A One Woman Man

  35. It's funny isn't it how every other good quality about a person is negated by some of the most trite sh*t imaginable…like ppl are walking around with a checklist clamped to a clipboard with all of these "qualifications" that you must meet…God forbid if you don't meet all or most of them..then I suppose you don't make the "cut" LOL like it's such a priviledge to be with them..over-inflated sense of self. Yooo it's cool to have standards but be careful…the very moment you start believing you're some of exception, life puts that ass in check.

    1. You can always tell something about the type of person who keeps trying to switch the topic so adamantly when talking about sexual history.

  36. I have been asked this question a couple of times by guys that I'm dating. It's a turn-off and it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!! It's just plain rude!

    Most men have lost count anyway, but if it's over 100, that's kind of a turn-off. That's why I look at professional athletes like walking germs. I think it's gross. But, for the average Joe, I'd rather not know.
    My recent post Dear TT: My Friend’s Man Hit On Me

  37. I guess that's like the difference between Lucky Charms and Marshmallow Mateys. They're both the same type of cereal but they don't taste the same.

  38. I agree wholeheartedly. That's the thing, for women more so than men, sex is far more psychological. Just because you THINK you'll be comfortable doing something doesnt mean you ever will. I know women that have been with umpteenth number of men who arent good in bed because they're insecure and therefore, will always feel some type of way about having sex. Then I know women that have been with a couple dudes but they go so damn hard in the paint to please their man by any means necessary that it is DISGUSTING what all they'll do to keep that man happy (and vise versa)…and that's a very beautiful thing.

    My recent post A One Woman Man

  39. What it I had a total number of 4 sexual partners combined Ive had over 60-70 encounters with those 4, is that the same as a body count?

    1. No, I don't think so.. that's what couples do get it in OFTEN.

      But damn those encounter numbers do seem high once you put it on paper huh???…..
      *TiltsHeadlikeForrestGumpwatchingTV*

  40. I suppose I would've better served myself if I brought it down to a game of probabilities. Mind you, studies have shown that there is not always sperm in pre-ejaculate; it largely depends on the activities preceding the sexual encounter in question. The possibility of pregnancy occurring from someone sticking the tip of his member into the vagina is terribly minuscule. I would actually be surprised if you could find a confirmed case of someone getting pregnant that way.

  41. You know what.. I think there is a lot of social pressure in your twenties make sure that you've "lived it up!"

    Far too personal story.. but it illustrates the point… I was a gold star lesbian until my last relationship ended and then I was single, sexy and free (like Mya) and decided to just go with it..

    I was friends with this guy.. summer leads to idle time, idle mind is the playground for the devil.. i ended up at his house late.. we slept together… it solidified to me that I was def a lesbian.. it was just blah… no need to repeat.. no more curiosity.. I was done…(i kept being mad that he had no boobs and so much friggin hair o_O)

    ALL of my straight friend said..Uh uh! You need to try it again… he just wasn't doing it right.. I can give you some references… So I'm supposed to have more sex, just to see? uhhh I came (not really), I saw, I conquered and my total and complete lack of interest in his Richard made me realize… yup. totally gay…

    But people will pressure you to go for it.. and live a little and all those kinds of platitudes.. even when you dont care about a number.. you just have different ideas of why and when you want to have sex…

    My number is low.. my boo still aint happy.. cause of some of the names that go with it… ah well.. whatever i did before I met you, I can't control.. and neither can you… the past is the past and we should leave it there.

    1. of all the comments today, this one makes the most sense. I think there's a lot of pressure to sleep with multiple partners to have experiences and know what you like.
      I think someone can have one boyfriend in their past yet still know what they like, perfect their craft, and be satisfied. The issue for me is that you can't come to each new relationship with the same old tricks and expect them to work. You also can't expect that the other person will inherently know what will please you.
      It's hard not to buckle under the "live a little" platitudes. But if you know yourself, and learn yourself, it becomes a lot less difficult.

  42. I got my tear ducts removed a long time ago so I wouldn't mess up my mascara when I'm doing it. I try to stay pretty for you.

  43. I tried to post under J's comment about being VIP but for whatever reason it keeps giving me an error and won't populate in the thread so sorry in advance if this posts twice:

    Never thought I'd ever see the day we'd agree but low and behold: Miracles never cease. Lol.

    Growing up my dad used to always tell me "Never be the Geo Metro when you could be the McLaren F1" or something like that. Lol.

    I was always raised to regard myself as premium quality and not everyone has the credentials to just walk off the street and take me for a joy spin. And when I was single and dating I tended to attract and pursue men with this same philosophy. The past is the past and I won't hold it against you- but even if you're not fresh off the lot new- at least be certified pre-owned.

  44. yo, if i'm gonna be messing w/ you for long term (over 3 months) i'm tryna get comfortable, my johnson like to take his shirt off and it….you a fool @$$ woman if you think you was the first chick your man rawwed…99% of ya'll got HPV and don't know it anyway

    ya'll act like i got bad selection or somethin, i don't just raw everything, im just only dealing with raw-worthy chicks in 2012

  45. Co-signing both!

    This is why I talk a good game up above which might lead some to believe my own # is higher, but in actuality it's nowhere even near 10. Everybody in a class isn't going to earn an A, not all employees can get that same promotion, & we can't all hit the lottery….. you gotta earn the right for me to risk you being the mother of my children.

  46. Men are so silly,you wanna bang every chick in the world but marry a woman who has slept with less than 10 guys? You're cute , I slept with 15 men (insert name) my husband slept with 26 chicks, I wish he would tell me anything about my vagina MINE!!!
    I encourage women to lie to these unfair and delusionals dudes,niggas don't value honesty…

  47. I remember being out of town with my cousin’s friends and all of their numbers were in their 20’s. I was like whoa! Being super judgmental. But now that I’m approaching 30 I understand! I do not share my number nor do I ask for my partners. However, we do share test results and sexual expectations.

    Someone who has had sex with one person can have HIV or STDs. I think a number is just a number. And yes I’m one of those liberal free thinking gals. Lol

  48. I assume the average 25 year old woman has had roughly 10-15 partners. 20+ is too much at that point in my eyes.

    If you're over 25, skies the limit. I don't use algorithms to determine a woman's number 25 + X.

    At the end of the day, I don't want to know and i won't ask. And if you ask me, I won't tell.

    It boils down to Value-Added. Is there any value added in us having this discussion??? I base alot of my judgemental debates around this very question.

  49. I've only asked men this to see if they will tell the truth and to somewhat gauge the chances of them possibly having an std….cause like that chart says, the more people you have unprotected sex with the more you significantly increase your chances of catching something…even if it's something curable. So yeah if a man is on some Magic Johnson type ish and has sex partners in the high double digits near 100 or over 100 it scares the cowboy sh** outta me and I am too scared to stand too close too them and touch them with a 10 foot pole. Granted they may be completely clean but I'm still just too scared to sleep with him.
    I rarely ask a man how many women he's slept with, unless I know or highly suspect that he's a major "man-whore."
    Having too many sex partners is much more of a "stigma" for women because of the perpetual double standard that is amongst every race and culture. Don't know why or where it came from but it just is and has been since the beginning of time.
    Maybe it's because of how biblically women were supposed to be virgins and were not supposed to sleep with men who they were not married to. However I don't believe the bible says anything about a man having to be a virgin. And of course the Virgin Mary, but it mentions nothing about David being a virgin and it's totally irrelevant.
    Plus technically speaking, as someone put in a previous post said, a woman can only have so many children. In order to populate the earth you need people. In fact in the bible I believe this is the reason why men were allowed to have several wives and impregnate several women for that purpose.
    It only takes one man to have many many many children. I dated a guy whose dad had 57 kids. No woman can ever have that many kids. jmo

  50. Personally I don’t care for how much partners a person had, its less about the # and more about how he/she (most likely the female) went about obtaining those #s.

  51. It comes down an individual's choice. It might not matter to some, but it might matter to others. What I find interesting is how some people expect their right to have a standard/preference should be respected, yet they have no problem belittling somebody else's right to exercise their own preference for their own lives. When it comes down to it, they have to sleep at night with their decisions, nobody else.

    Personally, I wouldn't want to deal with a woman who's been the town jumpoff. That's my right to choose whether somebody else agrees with it or not. I've carried myself to a standard where I didn't scatter myself all around town, and I expect the same from a woman that I deal with and I've had no problems finding such a woman that carries herself as such. I think sometimes we get so caught up in trying to tell somebody else what should matter to them, usually because we don't want a standard/ preference of theirs automatically exclude us, even if deep down, we really don't want them anyway; we just don't want to not have that option to say yes or no.

  52. This is an interesting topic. While I'm sort of a late bloomer and prefer to keep my personal number low, It isn't a deal breaker if my guy has a higher number. In a perfect world I love a man that hasn't spread himself around but as long as he is STD and HIV free then I'm cool with it. I personally believe this, Any thing valuable is usually that way because its rare…So I keep this box exclusive!

  53. A friend and I were reading these comments and she brought up a good point. So what if her number is 1…and she slept with the wrong one…that gave her a permanent life threatening STD. I guess the number isn’t so important. *shrugs* but you are right.. you’ll never know if they are telling you the right number…she could have been with 30 and telling you 6. The most important focus should be on your health. Wrap it up, get tested. End of story.

  54. The only number that really matters to me is how many times a year you go get an hiv/std test. If my guy asks me, I will tell him – the chances of my asking him are almost non existent though…I don't really care about the number. If I were ever so curious, I would ask, but this is not something I have any recollection of wanting to know in my past encounters/relationships.

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