Self perception is often flawed in our favor.
I’ll be honest, if I begin to genuinely like a woman and want more from her than to be some guy she is dating, I am going to ask myself: “Is this the best I can do?” It’s not a simple yes or no question. Like most people, when it comes to choosing one person I want to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t want to feel like I settled – whatever that means. This is where things get tricky.
It becomes an internal assessment of needs versus wants. What do I need in a woman versus what do I want in a woman? The need part is simple. All I need in a woman is someone to whom I am physically and emotionally attracted. Yes, that’s it. I could come up with a long impressive list but for me, being physically and emotionally attracted to a woman is the foundation for the start of a relationship.
I need to be attracted to you physically and I need to be attracted to your personality. I need both. If you’re FINE but your personality is ugly we won’t work and if you’re ugly but your personality is FINE, we still won’t work.
When we start incorporating wants, along with needs, is when things get complicated. Wants, by definition, are unneeded. If a relationship were a home, wants would be the furniture within the house. Needs would be the walls and the roof. A home can exist without furniture; it will crumble without walls and a roof. Once I’ve established a strong foundation of physical and emotional attraction I need to determine how many wants I need to have versus how many wants I would like to have. While I have simplified everything here today, this is basically the cause for why my relationships have failed or succeeded.
For example, let’s say I’ve found a woman who is physically and emotionally attractive. Great! That’s a good start but that’s all it is, a start. Now I have to figure out the wants, which are often scaled e.g. from 1 to 10. Then I must ask myself how important her strengths are relative to her weaknesses. Is she: educated, out-going, have kids, health conscious, a self-starter, mature, unselfish, communicative, willing to compromise, and did she answer the seven silent questions correctly? What are her: hopes, dreams, ambitions? Does what she want align with what I want? Finally, just because I desire all these qualities in her, does it mean I am worthy? What have I done to be with such a woman and in turn, would obtaining her mean that she has settled to be with me? In this instance, being the first to propose may not be the same as being her first choice.
I am not alone in my confusion on what constitutes settling. In 2010, Lori Gottlieb wrote an entire book about it. In 2011, Drake wrote a whole song about it. We all have friends, family, or perhaps even ourselves who are currently in (or were once in) relationships that made us say to ourselves, “I’m just sayin, you can do better. Tell me have you heard that lately?” On this very premise, the 42-yr old un-happily single mother turned author, Lori Gottlieb, wrote a post for the Atlantic Journal, which she then turned into a full book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. It was met with a firestorm of upheaval from a mostly female audience. An Oprah book club reviewer described it in the following manner:
Gottlieb’s piece polarized readers. Some said her argument was common sense, that women must confront the biological realities that suggest they’re most marriageable when they’re young and fertile. Other readers said she was telling women to sell out their dreams and shut down their hearts.
Maybe the protest was a result of the fact that women are primarily the ones instructed to settle to be in a relationship. Conversely, men are not only not encouraged to settle but are in fact expected to pursue the best. Ironically, this sentiment is often championed by both sexes. With men wondering why the guy with everything going for himself settled for the “regular girl” and women wondering the same even if it would benefit both to encourage it. In other words, men and especially women wonder why men pursue the typical trophy Stepford Wife, yet men and women chastise highly successful men who chose to buck this trend by settling for the average woman.
Theoretically, on a timeline of forever, can’t you always do better? Won’t there always be someone more attractive? Younger? Smarter? Funnier? Richer? Maybe even more compatible than the one you’ve chosen to be with? Therefore, at what point (or age) do your standards or preferences equate to unreasonable expectations? What if you wait too late or equally heart-wrenching, realize that you settled too early when you finally meet “The One” only after you settled for some-one instead…
Is telling someone to settle, like Lori, or suggesting someone has settled, like Drake, truly an insult? Is choosing to be with some-one that meets all of your needs but not all of your wants worse than being without The One? Can you be content without being happy? How long do you continue to pass up the men/women in your life now for the man/woman in your dreams? Does settling for the former mean you’ve given up or simply accepted reality and which, if either, is a worse fate?
I need some time to sit and think about this but this line right here is EVERYTHING:
"Once I’ve established a strong foundation of physical and emotional attraction I need to determine how many wants I need to have versus how many wants I would like to have."
+1
That stood out to me too! I’ll be thinkin about that for a minute.
Interesting post. I’ll say it tends to be unrealistic when you fail to meet the requirements of what you hope to attract for whatever reason. Example: you’re a gold digger at 35-40, but you don’t look as good as you did 15-20 years and 60 lbs ago still trying to attract a financially successful man, but he may want a supposed trophy wife, and let’s be honest, you’re not wife material, and not much of a trophy either. That would be very unrealistic.
The same could be said for a man that wants a “top quality” woman, with no drama, and has a superb figure, but he has kids all over the place, no job or career or even prospects, looks like an extra in a Rick Ross video, and everything about him screams bottom feeder. It becomes unrealistic when you never meet the requirements of the other person.
CoSign!
things are more clear cut when you think about the extremes. However most of us don't fall in that category.
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That was just an example, but you get the principle though. I guess a more apt example could be a man looking like Gucci, Flava Flav, or just like he's been living under a bus and never met a pair of clippers, a job, or clothes that fit properly saying he expects a woman who's the complete opposite of that, and he's nothing a woman with sense would look for in a mate, or a woman who may have the superficial package (aka looks and a little something going for herself in the educational/career field), but her personality/attitude/outlook on life and relationships are what needs the make up/ reconstructive surgery instead of her external appearance wants a man that meets all her requirements, but at best she can only meet half of his (which centers around being attractive). Is that somewhat better for you?
"looks like an extra in a Rick Ross video"
are you saying GUNPLAY and Gucci Pucci don't make the ideal mate?
The One is some bull lol. To me settling is only when you choose to be in a relationship out of fear, rejection, laziness or consistency (like you know that person will be around even if you don’t really want to be with them.
Other than that everything else is about being realistic. Who says that the man you think is The One will be perfect? How many times have we meet someone and though they were the one because they had the things we wanted but when it came to needs they didn’t even make it off the bench?
Life isn’t about what’s always better like you said there will always be someone who is better at something, but sometimes it’s just about what makes you happy and keeps your world turning. It’s like the movie “A wonderful life” people could have said he settled with being a loan officer and never leaving his hometown but in actuality even though his dream didn’t come in the package he thought it would come in he still helped people and was a hero like he always wanted to be.
Warning: this is rather long.
Is telling someone to settle, like Lori, or suggesting someone has settled, like Drake, truly an insult?
First of all, I actually thought it was a bit silly of her to suggest that any single woman 30+ who isn't worried about her status is either in denial or lying. While the majority of women do want husbands, it is not enough of a priority for some for them to experience concern, and yet others have cultivated some aversion to the notion of a traditional marriage/family.
Overlook his halitosis? No, thanks. Simply put, if I do not want to kiss you, then we cannot be together. History of depression and rude? Sorry, wrong number. I was going cross-eyed towards the end of the article and had to skip the rest, but my general sense is that she made some decisions which she regrets and is now romanticizing the notion of settling to some degree. I did not grow up with a Cinderella notion of love, so I do not have unrealistic expectations. I do believe that marriages can work without people dating for a gajillion years or having fallen madly in love beforehand. However, a survey of women who "settled" would reveal that while they do have the prized husband and children, they are merely going through the motions. Some of them would rather be 40-something and single. Love may not be enough to make a marriage work, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to love the person you marry. The problem is that a lot of people conceptualize love as this earth-shattering emotion and do not want to consider anything less. Forever is a long time even with someone you do have feelings for; I certainly am not going to make an attempt at it for someone towards whom I have to force myself to develop some affect.
What people have to realize is that a lot of those who are content/happy with their partners settled down in the sense of buckling down and accepting greater responsibilities, but do not consider themselves as having settled per se. They hold their partners in high esteem, and perceive their lives to have been bettered by the former's presence in some way or the other. Even those who constantly tell people that "X is lucky he found me" are aware that there will always be people with a more attractive resume out there, but it doesn't mean that they feel somehow shortchanged. I believe that people on the outside looking in are too quick to give their unsolicited opinion. That sexy guy with the average girl may very well feel as though he's been on cloud 9 ever since she graced his world. I don't know that I want to be getting married if I feel as though I'm settling. Accepting that he does not completely align with everything I want =/= settling. The odds of marrying your prototype are fairly slim.
Is choosing to be with some-one that meets all of your needs but not all of your wants worse than being without The One? Can you be content without being happy?
It's almost impossible to find someone who meets all of your wants. Even this magical "One" will have some shortcomings that are at odds with the list. Whether or not the partner acknowledges them is a different story. I honestly believe that "The One" is what – or who – you make of it. You could decide you've met him/her and get hitched…..only to come across someone who seems to fit you even better. It's part emotion, part decision. If I decide that you're the one for me, I have to forsake all others and therefore not explore the possibility that they could be a better match than you are.
You cannot be content yet unhappy, so for me the difference is between contentedness and constantly floating on cloud 9. I don't need the latter. Give me solid, peaceful emotional and mental satisfaction and I'm good.
How long do you continue to pass up the men/women in your life now for the man/woman in your dreams?
I personally don't have a "man of my dreams". I have certain things that I want in a partner, and I'm willing to work with people who encompass them.
Does settling for the former mean you’ve given up or simply accepted reality and which, if either, is a worse fate?
I don't intend to settle down if Y man does not make me happy. Once I get the one who does, everyone else gets the "do not pass Go, do not collect $200" script.
Your post was so worthwhile and captured so much of what I was thinking while reading his post (but thanks for your response, as it was much more eloquent than I could have put it.) I think a person’s understanding on this topic depends much more on his/her level of maturity and experiences (note: age has nothing to do with it).
I am so wholeheartedly agree with you, Naija should have been the one to write on this topic because she covers it with a greater level of insightfulness and maturity. The "One" is not some elusive being but it is who and what you make it as she so rightly put it. It is the magical thinking that keeps people riddle with unnecessary anxiety. Figure out your core needs and just go for it. Wants will keep you single because they are temporal.
Like if you didn't write a comment this long, like this long… nobody would be mad at you. I feel you, but as a writer here, let me tell you. Most people only read the first 200 words of the post, not the comments, the post. So when the comment is this long, they read the first few sentences and then start skimming. Only reason why i'm telling you this is because we appreciate you around here and i've been peeping your comments for a long time. I would try to use shorter points and bullets, rather than a heavy text block.
I may be in the minority but I always read all the comments. I start in the morning to see the direction the comments are going and then slide thru again toward the end of the day to see what other 2 cents have been added. I am always curious of other viewpoints on whatever the topic at hand is. And I believe she does an excellent job of articulating how she feels. I also be bored at work but don't tell nobody.
I didn't say nobody was interested in what she has to say. We appreciate her input, but I think it would be more effective to the conversation if made more concise.
Yeah, when the comment becomes just as long as the post you run the risk of losing the reader's attention. Any gems of knowledge are then missed because they simply aren't being read.
I must say, I am not surprised that you commented on it, but pleasantly surprised by how you worded this. Thanks for looking out. Not to worry, though, I don't mind if my comments get overlooked. I felt like what I was saying didn't need to be shortened, and I appreciate the few who soldier through it.
@ Cass: Thank you, and it's my pleasure. I'm glad it didn't come across as rambling.
@TTT: lol To be honest, I skip some lengthy comments myself from time to time, but that's when they appear too convoluted or I have no interest in the argument being made. But thanks for sticking up for my long-windedness. =D
I don't usually read through lengthy comments but I read this one in its entirety…..and I like and totally agree with what you said.
My recent post BFly PRESENTS: 'WAY BACK WHEN'S DAYS,' where, every Wednesday, we'll take a trip down memory lane and discuss people, places and things from 'way back when.'
From my experience settling is the worst thing one can do. You always have the desire to seek out what I’m missing. As the months turn to years and you get comfortable, a certain level of bitterness is always just beneath the surface so every little issue is the big issue. You silently wish for an end to the misery. It’s not a happy place but for face value you put on the charade of happiness.
Ladies do not imprison yourselves for the sake of having a ‘man’ around. There is nothing more precious than true love and until he finds you, love yourself.
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. & Ouch.
(Pause)…………………………………………………………….
I am in full agreement with the blogpost…
<a href ="http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/2011/08/17/the-female-self-esteem-crisis/"> The picture is money on how most young Western Women feel about themselves (BW it is a coinflip depending on the woman, I understand your struggle to a large degree)…
I do not see myself getting married, but as far as settling… I never feel that way… I like dating women I genuinely like FOR WHATEVER REASON… I don't chase women I don't have it out for… I don't mind if I never find the one for me… And there is apart that likes to know that I can take a woman out & she elevates my greatness… And yes, those 6/7 questions are GOLD!!! And once I find this mythical woman… I think it is child's play convincing her that I am the *Drake is so appropriate for this post*
The reason I THINK men are encouraged to pursue the best is because swagger & resources and get you almost any woman you want, whereas, women do not have that much wiggle room & that much time… She has to get it together before 30 or she toast for the most part (I know there are a few exceptions)… Lori Gottieb needed to learn that the hard way as when she got older & had a kid… The quality of men she dated went in the tank, and all those quality men that wanted to genuine marry her moved on to greener pastures…
Our culture & most parents do not teach young women, that life is a series of tradeoffs & most people cannot & will not have it all… (most men have no choice but to learn that lesson early)… And that lesson is why there will continue to be more lonely spinsters as the next decade forges on… It is tragic & some part of my deep, twisted soul, I am heartbroken by it… (And then a phat butted Afro-Brazilian makes life all better again)
Again, I think mature successful men understand that compatible regular looking patriarchal women are way better than trophy wives… It just cannot be that mysterious…
Viva 2012
SSTTE
BTW… I am all for being unreasonably optimistic aka DELUSIONAL… The difference between people like me & most women… Is that I am willing to whatever it takes outside of compromising core values to get what I want out of life…
Most women &/or most people are not about that life… Because alot of women think p*$$y & good looks is enough… So, that makes getting that all-star soul mate even more elusive
Thanks for the link to that blog. Obsidian's new blog has been a frequent read too.
The lonely spinster myth has been debunked. Most women marry, just a little later than before. I guess you didn’t get the memo. Spinster fear mongering went out with 2011.
The bitter man blogs will have to come up with a new revenge for their readers’ sex free lives.
@WC
If you buy the idea that marriage will be available for most the women of my generation, I got a bridge in Brooklyn… I don’t see the men going along with that… But we’ll see with continued declinng marriage rates.:-)
There was a study done recently that debunkef the most black women won’t get married studied. The study said 40% marry by 25. The rest get married later. The vast majority. You should update your info.
I am all over it
The past =/= The future, so even though the researcher has the right idea… I truly doubt 25% spinsters will be the case
The hookup culture aka soft polygamy (you know, that culture you are neck deep in) makes it really hard for monogamous pair bonding on both side … Again our current culture isn't supporting what that research he was spitting…
I am not rooting for gloom & doom… I have nothing to gain from bitter unmarried women… I just like being right… If I am wrong on this one… I will happily take that L…
SSTTE
Awesome post WIM.
Never Settle, IMO.
There’s someone for everybody. If not then u need to realize that ur prolly a shallow loser. Seriously, we all have some type of issues &/or baggage, and to think ur “better” than someone else is just immature.
Ex of being shallow: Not dating a mother of two that’s still able to handle her business.
Avoiding a guy that isn’t driving the type of car that you like or making $80k+.
Just stupid.
Just cause she can handle her business is 1 thing, but that is definitely not shallow to not date a moth of two. Going into a relationship with someone that already has kids isn't something that should be tread likely because views can be so different. You are not the father of her 2 children so how do you handle discipline, how does she allow you to interact with them, how does she interact with them & does that bother you.
There are so many other things that must be accounted for in this situation, are you up for the task is the real question….. but saying no does not equate to being shallow.
I have a child and I agree with this 100%
Not wanting to date a mother or father with a child or 2 kids or more does not make you shallow at all ESPECIALLY if you don't have any yourself and even if you do have kids but still choose NOT TO DATE a man or women that has more chil'ren then you still does not scream shallow to me.
Idk about that’s it’s not shallow to decide to not date someone with kids. We all make are own choices and sometime those choice limit certain people in your dating pool. For example a mother of two will probably get many dates but they might not be from the same type of guy she was chasing before she had kids, because new baggage changes your pot of options.
Ok, I get ur point, but I didn’t mean that the men that choose not to date single moms are shallow. Only those that don’t date single parents because of that status.
But my point although is just not to overlook potential mates.
Don’t date judge a book by its cover 🙂
Is choosing to be with some-one that meets all of your needs but not all of your wants worse than being without The One?
The idea of the one is over-rated. I'm hesitant to say that there's nothing like 'the one' but I'm of the opinion that the one is whomever you decide to be happy with. Happiness is a choice and so is contentment. You'll never be truly content with anyone – no matter how perfect they are for you – as long as you've got your sights on the imaginary "better" that's supposedly out there.
Can you be content without being happy?
Nope, happiness is a requirement for contentment but like I said, happiness is a choice. I've seen people with less than nothing who are happy and I've seen people with a lot who aren't.
How long do you continue to pass up the men/women in your life now for the man/woman in your dreams?
I say until you find someone with the things you need. Here's where that whole needs/wants assessment comes in. Part of growing up is realizing that all of your requirements can't be non-negotiable…needs=non-negotiable, wants=negotiable.
Does settling for the former mean you’ve given up or simply accepted reality and which, if either, is a worse fate?
I'm against settling but I'm for being realistic. The basic needs are non-negotiable but it's imperative that we're reasonable and realistic. For example, looking for someone who will fill gaps/voids that only you can fill is unreasonable.
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Just wanted to say. That Self Perceived vs. Actual “C’mon Son” Rating Scale tho?!! *Laughing Out Loud*
But you right. It is what it is.
Okay, let me go back to reading the post.
The worse thing is that feeling like you know you've settled for someone. It doesn't matter what my boys or her girls think about us. That's gonna happen anyway for whatever reason, be it jealousy, envy, gossip, boredom. People are gonna hate. But the worse feeling is dating somebody because you just needed a date that night and you knew they were interested. Romantic comedies love this plot because it always turns into a story of finding true love, but its really just a bad situation.
My friend was telling me about her ‘husband list ‘which was a list of all the qualities she wanted in a husband and I know that a lot of women have one of those even if it only exists in their heads. For me though, I don’t discriminate. Like in the post, I have my needs that make the foundation and then everything else is negotiable. I’m not naive enough to believe that there is one person out there that will have everything I want and nothing I dont. My ‘one’ will be the man that takes care of my needs always and my wants most of the time. Again, I agree that happiness is part emotion and part decision. You have to decide that you want to be happy with someone so that you will put in the work to stay happy. If you just expect your happiness to come from that person then you are screwed.
This posts reminds me of a list I wrote awhile ago, about what men want in a wife. Not that all things applied but just all the many things men consider
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The question becomes what is the definition of settling. Can you really say you settled if your other option is something you never had?
I agree. What is considered settling?
Brit: "I agree. What is considered settling?"
Someone here (I think it was Most) made mention of someone being a better catch, but not a better match. Choosing the better match isn't settling. I agree with Smilez that settling is "when you don't pick the realistic best option". The other person you "missed out on" has to 1. be realistic (not out of your league) and 2. be an option (they actually know you're alive and wanted to be with you).
With number one: If a very attractive, middle class woman wants to marry an NBA player but ends up with a good-looking nice guy with a decent job, that's not settling. That is having your expectations spanked with the belt of reality.
Number two is huge (pause? or just ugh?): you can't settle unless someone better wanted to be with you, and you turned them down.
"That is having your expectations spanked with the belt of reality."
I can't co-sign this statement enough. I think some ppl confuse "settling" with "growing the hell up!"
Hugh Jazz: you can't settle unless someone better wanted to be with you, and you turned them down.
DAMN. Never even looked at it that way. GREAT point.
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Co-mother effing sign, to the nth power. Delusional people thinking they deserve some pipe dream person because the are the ish, in their imagination….just sad. If you are not meeting, and dating that kind of person on the regular, they are probably out of your league.
This is how you get people dating their equal then entertaining the fantasy they could do better. And leaving that person. Then making Drake calls. Sad. Know your worth. To other people, not yourself. And your mama.
Great question Hugh! There is an old saying…you don't miss what you can't measure. Settling has become another word for greed maybe?
Great point and I think that's up to the individual to decide. Another point I didnt specifically address, is a lot of people have the mindset that "I had a great relationship once, so I can do it again." But, can you? That's like saying because you won the Super Bowl once, you can do it again. But how many have failed at that goal? A lot… I think it's about measuring and setting reasonable expectations.
My recent post Happy Holidays
WIM: "I had a great relationship once, so I can do it again." But, can you?
This. Just because the person you ended up with wasn't "better" than your previous "great relationship", that doesn't mean you settled. That person you had the great relationship with isn't on the table anymore, therefore they aren't an option and you can't settle by not choosing him/her.
Yes. Yes. Yessssss!!!!
I know as far as myself I don’t know my need and wants fully as in I’m still trying to figure out what I am looking for in my next future Mr. GirlSixx. I have no clue and it kinda sucks mule balls because I met some decent dudes but I coudn’t pinpoint what I was looking for so eventually they moved on *shrug* but in my defense it’s hard for me because I was so caught up in how pampered/spoiled I was during marriage, I had to find out the hard way that most men today in 2011 and beyond ARE NOT trying or maybe even capable of coming close and although I do and have accepted that it’s still a tough jagged horse pill to swallow.
*Sighs*
I think I’ll just get another furbaby
Agreed Hugh. Not to mention we all have a habit of glamorizing past relationships. For whatever reason, it's easier to gloss over the bad and only remember the good. Then you're like "why did we ever break up?" Of course sometimes you do the slip-back and then you're like "oh yeah, that's why."
@WIM LAWD! The slip-back is so real, and will be the downfall of mankind…smh
Interesting argument, but I do want to point out that most people who eventually settle do so because once-available options are no longer on the table.
"Interesting argument, but I do want to point out that most people who eventually settle do so because once-available options are no longer on the table."
I don't necessarily disagree, but again, it depends on how you define settle.
For example, if a woman who works in the purchasing department of some company dates a obstetrician who makes good money, buys her things, etc., she starts thinking she deserves that lifestyle in a man. She breaks up with the doctor, then ends up dating a director at a non-profit organization. Less money, less prestige, but still a good guy that is on her level. Some women may think they are settling because they had better.
I don't see that as settling. I don't think it's settling if you're with someone who is within one level of you on the 1-10 scale, no matter what you had in the past. If a man is a 7 dating a woman who is a 6, in my opinion, that's not settling, even if his last girlfriend was an 8. As WIM said, just because you made it to the Superbowl, that doesn't guarantee you a return trip.
Very true; we agree.
To me settling is when you don't pick realistic best option.
For example if your staying with a man who doesnt treat you good out of fear of being lonely even when you have a lot to offer, than you settled.
Now if you're a 42 yr old woman 4 kids, working at walmart body look likes it been through somethings, and still using your old highschool pics as your FB profile shoot. But you think your best option is an LL Cool J look-alike with a six figure salary and a six-pack then you're not thinking within your realistic best options.
I don't know WIM. First off, as soon as I saw the title of this post, my first reaction was, "Man WIM don't waste no time getting into it this year." So good post my dude.
I think for dudes they can either marry the woman of their dreams, they can settle, or they realize what the best fit for them is. A man marries the woman of his dreams and they got to deal with the fact that she probably settled for him. They can settle and then they'll probably love her, love their kids, but they'll think about the one who got away. My thing is, after a man live a little sometimes he figure out what's best for him. That may be him finding out that what he really want is a chick who ain't too much this, or ain't too much that, but does this, and does that.
I know dudes who like to sit in the crib and watch TV and play video games, they go out to the club and want to date the chicks in VIP. After some years of realizing they can't change them women, they say to themselves, "You know what? Next woman I date, is going to be into what i'm into." That's not settling! That's just realizing what you want out of life.
Agreed!
There is settling and then there is maturing. Settling is saying I'm going to accept whatever b/c I don't want to be alone. Maturing is letting go of a ridiculous list of unneccesary expectations.
+1
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No rest for the weary man! This is just a warm-up post. Next week? ….bruh.
I agree with your assessment and it's actually something I'm always working through myself for reasons I believe you know from discussions we've had off-line and in other posts. It's definitely about finding balance. I actually plan to eventually write a post about the Perfect Woman and an argument for commitment. The perfect woman (or man) doesnt exist and the quicker people except that the sooner they'll find peace.
My recent post Happy Holidays
Yes, there will always be someone around the corner that can fulfill a different need/want. If a person becomes consumed with always wondering, that person is destined to miserable. That's like second guessing every choice you make in life. How could that person ever be satisfied? They won't.
The world would be mad if everyone was always wondering if the next person was a better fit…absolutely crazy. A person has to be confident in such an important decision; a life partner is FOR LIFE…not just for the moment until something better comes along. How can a bond be formed if a person is constantly second guessing the relationship?
Drake was saying that to be selfish and he was drunk. That song while cute should not be based on real life. There will always be something lacking in all earthly relationships because you need to have room for your relationship with The Creator. And it is That Relationship that will give you peace of mind about your choice in a partner.
Intriguing post WIM! I used to think that my needs and my wants could possibly be all met by Mr. Right. Now, I know better. Now, I understand that The Almighty is the Only One that will give me peace of mind about my wants and needs.
I agree.
Also, I wouldnt underestimate the applicability of that Drake song. Drunk or not. I know a lot of men (and women) that have purposely derailed another's relationship simply because they knew the other person still had residual feelings for them. I think that's why so many people felt so many ways about that song, because we've either been the "drunk" person calling, the recipient of the call or both.
The Marvin's Room struggle is real.
My recent post Happy Holidays
I think this was an excellent post and I don't have much to add but I'm going to insert a quote from one of my favorite TV shows, How I Met Your Mother. "In every relationship, there is a settler and a reacher."
First off, great show! Second…damn @ that quote. I remember that episode but I forgot about that. Hmmm. *goes off to ponder*
My recent post Happy Holidays
I once landed in a relationship where we were both settlers…it was bliss!
How was that bliss Mr. SD?
A lot of times, I feel like I'm the reacher here but when I put my glasses on and sip tea with my pinky up, I think what I really did was reach in some areas and settle in some areas. I guess the key is finding a balance you're okay with.
It was bliss because we both kinda felt like we deserved each other..lol We were equals..it was the best feeling
I'm gonna play like I know what I'm talking about for a minute. In a situation like that though, if you're both settlers, the both of you can wind up resenting each other, because you both just know you can do better. It's bad enough when one person resents the other but when the both of you do? Having the fact that I can do better than you and you can do better than me hanging over my head everyday would make me suicidal. I'd see you coming be gritting my teeth thinking this fool again… You're a rare one Mr. SD.
lol I think it was the exact opposite. Like we both knew we could probably do better but felt very lucky to have landed each other. IT was like two 8's falling in love. Realistically we both knew we could get 10's but because we felt we were on the same level we both felt like 10's…does that make sense?
its like 6/6 = 1 or 2/2=1 either way when you find ya equal yall = 1
Idk if it makes complete sense but it makes enough sense for me.
this explanation is great.
Heck yeah peeps will be insulted with any insinuation that what they are doing is not the equivalent to greatness. Sidenote- "Mavin's Room" is the shizzy. Okay back, it seems that often times women wonder why men wait sooo long to get married now a days and maybe it is because they won't settle. My fiance is 40. We met when he was 32, dated others (serious rel) and made our way back to each other. The realization is that others (both his and mine) didn't have what we thought we were looking for. I do think when you see women who are dating a man with 6 kids, 3 BMs and all of that jazz that there may be some settling in those kinds of situations. We can't be so quick to say, " Oh well menmy age have kids" because quite a few of them don't.
"Okay back, it seems that often times women wonder why men wait sooo long to get married now a days and maybe it is because they won't settle. "__
.I think men are just more realistic about what their options are and where they stand they pick what women would be great for them personally. Some women think they deserve a perfect man when they’re not perfect themselves and hold on to the notion until their 35 then realize that quote on quote time is running out and grab on to any peace of man left in their options, which leads them to settling.
Plus it easy to get married later when your age isnt looked at as a hinderance. (Older man sometimes = further in his career, more stable, wants a family, had his share of fun)
Interesting, I actually see the opposite. Often I see men with extremely high expectations. (Look like Bey, body like video vixen, Claire Huxtable mom, cook and keep house like Martha Stewart, makes good money, p0rn star in the bed room…etc. If that woman exists, I'LL freakin marry her! Lol. J/k.
If anything, females I know are more realistic with their expectations. I think we also inherently focus on different things. Either way, both tend to become more realistic with age (whether due to maturity, or force due to reality lol.)
I agree with you.
My recent post Zoom
I'll stand in line here is well, lol…
Agree with age and experience comes understanding.
Plus all the Bey, Claire Huxtable talk is for show infornt of their boys and the public. Nine times out of ten if he can get a girl that can cook more than a grill cheese sandwich, keep her self looking right, and does'nt mind trying new freaky things with him even if she's not on porn star staus yet and he likes her, he'll take it. lol
as will I and I'm a whole day late! boop!
Slim wrote a post that I think fits into this line of thought, I forget the exact title but maybe he will find it for me.
"Women need to taste rejection more often"
Once people call you ugly, you know you are ugly. But if you aren't hearing that b/c you don't approach people the way men do, you over rate yourself.
@MissMina The qualities that most men want aren't physical. They are looking for personality traits, which even an ugly man can find. So I might have a friend who says "Hey man. I am only settling down for a Unicorn, a bi girl who lets me sleep with other women." But he is willing to take a fat unicorn or an ugly one. As long as she cooks and takes it in the backdoor.
Why Women Should Eat More Rejection Pie http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/01/11/rejecti…
Followed up by Streetz' post, Women can’t handle the truth http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/01/12/women-c…
That was an interesting two days.
Thank you kind sir
Yo there is a difference between settling and being wrong and as long as I have been reading this relationship blogs I have been trying to say
womenpeople just doing understand being wrong about themselves. Its not that you are settling, its just that you were wrong about what it would take to find relationship happiness.You thought you needed a man with a college degree, but your man works a union job and brings home the wood.
You thought you needed a christian, but an atheist showed accountability and had you calling for god.
You thought you had to have a brother, but you realize now he treats you better plus you always had a thing for ghetto gaggers.
"being physically and emotionally attracted to a woman is the foundation for the start of a relationship."
Cosign this statement right here. I hear the daily conversations in my day to day life and on the Twitter and FB and the such and some, albeit not all, of the narrative tends to revolve around something of the, "I refuse to settle and I know what Im worth and I deserve XYZ and nothing less!!" I mean, I feel all of that…but this word "deserve" that gets tossed around gives me pause….just because you have 2 degrees, no kids and you perceive yourself as a good woman/man then you feel you "deserve" something assumigly better than anyone else? I said this the other day, but naturally, many people (not all) have a false sense of entitlement and that may skew realistic expectations. Just an observation, though….don't mind me, I'm just regular Joe…what do I know?
I don't know much about you Larry but wouldn't you feel like you deserve more than a dude with 14 kids by 14 baby mommas, slangs crack and clubs baby seals for fun? Deserve may be the wrong word here but when you're dealt certain cards in a game, don't you just want to give some back because you know there are better cards in that deck? Do you deserve the cards more than anybody else? Or do you just want a better chance at winning?
what you deserve is happiness… if the dude beating baby seals makes you happy that you got more out of life than the girl who married the Dr with a Benz and a summer crib in the Hamptons, that graduated from Harvard and buys his wife Red Bottoms every time he gets her period because he sympathizes with her cycle.
Everybody does deserve happiness but there is a certain level of karmic return that would come into play here. Nobody would be surprised if he wound up with some knuckle-dragging, hunchback big bertha looking, man hating, bad weave wearing, chapped lip broad because of how he do. If somebody asks even he would be like, shouldn't've clubbed them baby seals, knocked up all of those chicks or slanged that crack mayne.
Eh…I am referring to the 'deserve' word in a more relative context. For example, I see quite a bit, in one variation or another, the opinion that "hoes be winning". The main complaint being how are these unsavory characters getting these great men (assumingly) and the "good girls" are left alone or left to a lower "quality" of man and they instead deserve that hoe happiness instead of said *garden tool*.
I can’t really speak on this topic too tough but i will say thisn in the dating scheme of things I don’t feel like ANYBODY should just settle, isn’t that the whole point of dating — tryin to find your best fit? If someone isn’t what u want then move on but if you are looking for that person to settle down or perhaps one day marry then the word “Settle” should NO LONGER be part off your vocabulary, I think the word “Compromise” is more befitting because at the end of the day when you are just dating casually/trying to figure out what you’re lookin for OR dating to settle down and marry your list and dealbreakers do tend to change that is why you see many couples with SO’s you would have never thought they would have hollered at back in their heyday.
It’s only settling if you feel within yourself you are LOSING…
Good Post WIM.
This here isn't that the whole point of dating — tryin to find your best fit? is the difficult part though. You have to choose what is your best fit at whatever time you choose because you'll never really know for sure. It's like if you go right, you'll never know what left offered even if right is good, left might have been great. A lot of people tend to hedge their bets instead of making a final decision – and that's why they sit around asking "what if" for the rest of their lives. Honestly, and maybe it's just me, I think it's harder for women because (if you want to be married, traditionally anyway) you have to be asked so if the wrong guy asks you first you have to make a decision if you're going to wait for the right guy to ask – even though he might never appear – or if you're going to go with the wrong guy because at least he stepped up to the plate. Then again, it's not peaches and cream for men either. *side eyes that UCLA tape where the woman ran off* nah mean?
Another great post! Well I agree with most said here.
I will say for me I have been fortunate enough to have been in a LTR with the male version of me. Which was wonderful and yet so disastrous. It was convenient to have someone whose thought pattern followed mine and I could look at smtg and he already knew what sort of comment I would give before it came out of my mouth cause he was looking at the same thing. We had so many similarities and things in common. Any who without going into detail it eventually was the demise of us also.
I have also had my dream guy. Which really was pretty much my father's qualities. But I learned that one I am not my mom and henceforth I am not the sort of woman that can handle a dude like my dad period.
So now I am at ground zero and I am very realistic about what I need and what I have to offer and the sort of guy that matches me up with. I have never thought of it as settling but just being realistic. And for me there is more comfort in that than unrealistic dreams of this imaginary guy I thought was what I wanted and needed.
cosign and signify
Great read as usual.
I think settling is the wrong. It just has too many negative connotations. The main one being that you are accepting less than the best. Here's the thing, your dream person or ideal mate should be the person that makes you be the best person you can be. Good looks and a good career don't always translate to inspiration. If you end up with someone that meets all your surface criteria that you can brag about to friends and family, but you aren't motivated to continuously be a better person, you've settled. You just don't know it.
My recent post The Burden: I’m Wearing These Tight Pants for You. Men Can Read This Too.
Must agree with you Slim. All of my married boys always ask about the girls I date, "Does she bring the best out of you." I think that is what we should all be looking for in a potential mate. Someone who makes us a better person and can also be a good friend as well.
EXACTLY!!!!! I have always felt this way. Loving this ENTIRE comment Slim!
yeah! I couldn't agree more. You certainly communicated something that i think I was struggling to…it isn't settling but it also isn't always reaching…it's finding that nice place where you're like "whoosah i'm happy here" or "I'm the best version of me here"
we certainly care just too much about appearances these days and it's the worst thing to be worrying about when making forever type decisions.
My recent post Lipstick Jungle
"I need to be attracted to you physically and I need to be attracted to your personality. I need both. "
Exactly, and despite what PC-ness will have you to believe about the former (physical), I see nothing wrong with that. I NEED to be attracted physically to my guy in some way, otherwise we just platonic friends, yo. And the reason it ain't nuffin wrong with it is because my scale of attractiveness (what I find attractive) ain't that small. Like, I could be attracted to one type of guy (universally foine) but ALSO attracted to a guy who a good percentage of woman probably just think is average. I just think folks who have unrealistic physical expectations (ONLY dimepieces) is when there's a problem. Especially if they don't live up to the standard themselves because more than likely, a dimepiece will want a fellow dimepiece.
+1 changing "men" to "women" of course. lol
"Especially if they don't live up to the standard themselves "
I got a friend shaped like a football, who lives with his mother, drips bacon gravy when he sweats, and openly admits he is hung like a bottle cap (pause), yet he only wants to date skinny Asian women.
I choked on my rice after "I have a friend shaped like afootball…" and airbody knows that's the worst kind of choking…
…
Um, I won't go there. 😉
I'd assume the "super-hot" men/women who "settle" for "average" men/women don't actually think they're settling.
this is a great post.
"Once I’ve established a strong foundation of physical and emotional attraction I need to determine how many wants I need to have versus how many wants I would like to have"
this sentence is everything.
i don't think people should settle. but i also don't think not marrying your "dream" girl or guy based on wants is settling. a lot of times, you may think you want something because the package is shiny and pretty, but once you've had to live with the contents for some time, you realize that that's all it is.. better packaging. i think compatibility and inspiration should be number one in relationships. if we're not compatible, we won't last. if you don't inspire me in some way, we probably won't last either. of course being physically attracted is a requirement. but i think when you admire your partner as a person (work ethic, creative or business talent, intelligence, personality, altruism, etc), it's hard to believe that you're settling.
"you inspire me, to be the higher me.."- Lauryn Hill. i think that should be everyone's relationship motto. lol
My recent post Because I Love Art: Ai Weiwei
"someone is a settler and someone is a reacher. "
It sounds so negative though lol. I really just think the settler (again settle meaning they finally choose somenone) is someone who made a choice to be with the person who’s best for them . The reacher is just someone who ended up with a person who surpasses their expectations (not that the settler was to good for them).
I think the idea of settling is subjective. Someone may see me walking around with a guy they feel is not that attractive or tall and feel that I settled if I am uber attractive, but to me, the man I'm with is the finest man in the world. I think settling is when the negative qualities or aspects of a relationship outweigh the positives and a woman or man decides to remain in that relationship or marry even though he or she is not happy or fulfilled.
Therefore, no one can tell someone else they're settling (i.e. in Drake's song). No one knows my relationship like I do, so the only person who knows whether I'm settling or not, is me.
My recent post Men are from Venus, Women are from Venus
So true.
It's weird because to settle is not a negative thing in and of itself…if you add…FOR LESS after the word settle than maybe I could understand the points some are making here. Although even the ' for less' is subjective as well.
To settle means to decide on something; to choose; or to solve. How is this a bad thing?
"Theoretically, on a timeline of forever, can’t you always do better?" At some point EVERYONE is going to have to "settle" if they plan on being married or in a committed relationship. (my translation)
I think the word "settle" has such a negative connotation. Sorta along the same lines as the word "submit." I'm thinking its more of making an informed decision, being realistic, basically just kind of growing up.
How long do you continue to pass up the men/women in your life now for the man/woman in your dreams? Prob until you get tired of sleeping with the pillow in between your legs I guess, idk.
Relationships are all about compromise right? Who are we to be so self-righteous to think that no one hasn't ever "settled" to be with us before? I know I'm a good chick but I know I'm nowhere near perfect though. Again idk, this was an awesome post but I have no concrete answers lol. I think the older I get I realize what expectations are trivial and which ones should stay constant.
Mannn this right here: Relationships are all about compromise right? Who are we to be so self-righteous to think that no one hasn't ever "settled" to be with us before?
My recent post Happy Holidays
"Once I’ve established a strong foundation of physical and emotional attraction I need to determine how many wants I need to have versus how many wants I would like to have." <—– Yessir.
You can't have it all but there are somethings you can't live without…or with. Best be real about what those things are…but you can't determine what's what till you try a few combos, lol. As a few folks have already mentioned, I don't think anyone should settle. I do think folks should be realistic about their own flaws (aesthetically and character-wise) and realize that somebody will be giving you a pass in certain areas as well…so be fair. I don't chase or approach men…so I can't say I'm a reacher. I also don't blow off everyone but the super fine guys. I like guys who keep pace with me all around (dress, appearance, conversation) and balance me out (strengths and weaknesses). I prefer to match/fit my partner…so I'm with SD and Muze, lol. When there's a big gap (logic, appearance, etc.), I tend not to be comfy long-term.
As much as I like to make fun and gripe about a Tyler Perry movie, I think one good thing that came out of it was providing the masses with the 80/20 rule/theory/idea. I don't care how attractive, fine, rich, awesome you are, lean a lil closer and see that roses really smell like booboobooooooo… We all have issues, flaws, problems, quirks, ish that we bring into any situation or potential relationship. And if you find somebody who can deal with all of it. Who wants to deal with it. Who is on the same page with you values, goals, and ideals wise. Who forget all that rainbows and butterflies mess, you will want on each other's team when some stuff goes down. Real life shyt. Like someone loses a job. Or somebody mama get sick. Or you get sick. Or our baby get sick. And all the or's, maybe's, if this then that's, that could happen. If you find someone who wants to deal with all parts of you and you want them back, whether y'all reaching or settling or grasping or whatever – then count your blessings. And forsake all others. Cause there's always gonna be someone out there who is better, prettier, shinier, funnier, etc., but who will only want a piece of you.
My recent post What Are You Reading Wednesday
Exactly Diana….Cosign
For me, I've had some people I know say I'm settling because my significant other has a child already. And prior to meeting her, I did say I'd never date a woman w/ kids. But the reality of the situation is I was able to see her having a child as a huge positive that tied into other things that I know I need. For example her having a child showed me that she's great at compromising and very patient. She's a great cook and creative w/ her cooking. Those are qualities that I'd want my wife to have. So in choosing her as my lifetime mate, her other qualities (God-fearing, close with her family, ambitious, sex appeal, great under pressure, loves to travel) far outweighed my 1 dealbreaker of having a child.
I think The One is just a falsehood that people subscribe to, to defend being perpetually single. It's all about what YOU believe works for YOUR current situation and how they'll affect your future goals. In life, people can have multiple "the one"s based on where they are in their journey. So I don't it's rational to believe you have 1 end-all, be-all soulmate.
My recent post NBA’s Week 1 Losers
I agree jwoodny……congrats to you for "settling" and finding love and happiness…..*smile*
The other thing people don't seem to realize is that married folks aren't free of problems and issues.
That's why to me it's so very important to work on your personality and your perception and your maturity, and responsibility before you get married. The reality is that people change over time.. no matter how fine a woman is when you meet her she won't look the same 20 years later, (especially if she has kids). Men will you still love and be in love with that woman then?
And for the ladies no matter how much money a man makes now, it doesn't mean he will always make six figures and be able to buy you Marc Jacobs, Prada, Jimmy Choo, and Gucci. He could lose his job and lose everything. Ladies will you still love him and be in love with him then?
I doubt Michael Jordon had a serious gambling problem when Juanita met him…
So one of the questions single folks need to be asking when in a relationship and considering marriage is, "Right now can I see myself spending my life with this person and can I still love and be in love with them at their worst?" Part of the answer to that question depends on you and your ability to seriously love a person through it all at their worst times and never give up on them and stick with them. Cause again if you don't have it in you to love like that then no matter who you get with, as soon as you have serious problems and issues things will go downhill quick and fast.
The only guarantee's in life are taxes, hardship and pain, and death. Everything else is relative and some things you have no real control over.
I tell my friends going through divorces don't blame yourself…..it's pointless. Even if you beat yourself up because you feel like you chose the wrong person for you it is what it is…..you can't go back and change it. You made decisions based on what you felt was best at that time. So don't always 2nd guess your decisions….all we can ever really do is our best. We aren't perfect human beings so we won't always make perfect decisions. At best we can learn from everything and even if we don't know what to do we can easily learn what Not to do.
I hate being late to the party but, oh well! Here are my 2 cents anyway-
Settling is relative and only you (the person in the relationship) will ever know the truth. It's like that movie Shallow Hal- beauty is in the eye of the beholder. To me it's more about the chemistry between two people than the attractiveness between them. Attractiveness (rather physical or emotional) is subject to age and circumstance (i.e. getting in an accident, gaining weight, etc.) whereas chemistry is hopefully longterm.
I always laugh when people look at celebrity relationships (in lieu of all these celebrity engagements) and say- damn, Bron Bron settled. Same thing with T.I. and Tiny. Everybody looks at their relationship and says- really, Tip? Really? When the truth of the matter is, for all we know T.I. could be the one getting the most from their union. People are so vapid to me it's almost laughable. Who cares if your significant other is less physically appealing that some other suiters. Who cares if he/she has a little tribe of kids at home? Who cares if maybe his/her paycheck is missing a few zeroes than people deem reputable for a certain age? Only you know how you genuinely feel about that person and how the two of you complete each other.
It's not up to Lori or Drake or anyone else to observe your situation and make a game-time decision. Commit to the person you love when you're ready to commit and never look back.
Exactly Fresh….they say the same thing about Denzel all the time…..I know folks who have said he could do better than Pauletta and are surprised they are still together or think he has to be cheating on her with someone better looking.
But I saw Pauletta interview on Wendy Williams show and she knew Denzel before he was on his very first t.v. show which was St. Elsewhere in the 80's. At that time she was a trained pianist and singer. She was also a performer and did plays. She was and is a very accomplished woman in her own right. She seemed very sweet and down to earth. She said when he first started out as a struggling actor she supported him and knew how to balance their accounts and manage their money and used coupons until he got his first big movie and they made more money. Their beginnings were very humble.
I could see in that interview why Denzel fell in love with her and has stayed with her. He would be a fool to lose her because she seems like a damn good woman who has been with him from the beginning, like 30 something years I think and she loved him just as much then as now. She has raised 4 or 5 kids and done a damn good job. One son is a pro football player with the Rams I think.
Another son is a graduate of Harvard. So folks can hate on Pauletta as much as they want…..obviously she keeps Denzel very happy and satisfied. I doubt very seriously if he feels like he "settled."
I agree with Brits last comment and this one "Give me solid, peaceful emotional and mental satisfaction and I'm good." Thats the way I feel about that.
Thought provoking post Wis. To answer the questions.
Is telling someone to settle, like Lori, or suggesting someone has settled, like Drake, truly an insult?
Yes it is. Again I was raised to use my own mind and be a leader before being a follower. I think folks need to decide whats best for themselves more instead of always looking for answers from other people who don't know much more than you, and/or can only tell you what they would do based on their upbringing, personality and experiences. The thing to be mindful of is this – Your not them and they aren't you. So following another's advice even if your going through the same situation they've been through may not necessarily work for you.
Is choosing to be with some-one that meets all of your needs but not all of your wants worse than being without The One? I think it's a bit much to even expect 1 person to fulfill all of your needs for the rest of your life. Reality is God gives you everything you need and you can give yourself everything you need and a lot of what you want. I think a partner should complement you and add to the best parts of your or take whats bad and encourage you to be better……but expecting someone to fulfill all your needs is just too much and very very rarely if ever happens. That answer to that depends on the individual and whats important to them….like Renaissance I think is a man who really doesn't care if he ever gets married or not. Based on what he says if he is still single at 60 (unless he has some great epiphany or change) he will still be happy and content and not have a burning desire to get married. Then some folks want to be with someone because they don't like being alone. I'm a person who is ok with being single and ok with being alone. I am not a person who needs to constantly be surrounded by people or always have someone around. I'm fine with my solitude. However I would love to be in a relationship and get married one day. But I will not be with and marry a man who I'm not happy and satisfied with most of the time. The few things I don't compromise on are pretty set in stone for me and if I have to compromise on things I don't want to or possibly live a miserable existence with someone I "settled" for, I opt to stay single.
Can you be content without being happy? Hell yes you can be content without being happy. You can be content everyday of your life….but not necessarily happy everyday of your life. Again it's all mental…..all in the mind and your perception of things.
How long do you continue to pass up the men/women in your life now for the man/woman in your dreams? Until you meet the person you want to spend your life with. Or go with the person that you feel is best for you Right Now.
Does settling for the former mean you’ve given up or simply accepted reality and which, if either, is a worse fate? It depends on your mentality and how you see things. For me I say no it doesn't have to be settling and neither is a worse fate if your with someone who loves and treats you right and makes you happy.
Honestly I think this type of thing is overthought……it's like that post yall wrote about women caring too much about what men think.
Sometimes we tend to overanalyze if we're choosing the right person. If you do this and will always be worried about if you chose the right person or not then you need to remain single until you no longer worry about it.
Imo the best thing to do is be open-minded and open to love and know your worth and make sure you always get the love and respect you deserve. When you find the person that makes you laugh, smile, think about then even when you don't want to and aren't supposed to, makes you feel good, and loves you the way you want and need to be loved consistently then your best bet is to stick with them.
As far as being ready for marriage….thats all relative….just because your good in relationships doesn't mean you will be good in a marriage because marriage is about responsibility.
Regardless of who your with if your a selfish, immature, and irresponsible person who is unwilling to compromise and sacrifice for the greater good of your relationship and for the sake of another person then your Not ready to be married to Anybody!
I agree with some of the comments above, the term "settling" has a negative connotation – I think it's because it's a passive word. It's not "searching, finding, having, living" and all those other words attached to the be-all, end-all "soulmate" that we're all (some) hopelessly searching for. The term "settle for" implies exactly that, there's probably something better, but meh, this'll do.
I wonder if we don't "settle" but, instead accept "this one" as "THE One"? We all know there's something "better" out there – but the question is, better for who and when? If this is "good enough" today, is it "settling" tomorrow when/if I change my mind?
I just think – in relationships, as in life, there is constant motion, I can’t want/like all of you, all the time. I’m not sure human’s have the capacity for that kind of single-minded devotion. What am I looking for? Someone I can evolve with, grow with and change with – if that’s settling? Then, sure. I’ll settle.
I think settling can have two connotations:
Negative: As mentioned, settling out of laziness or desperation because you are tired of being alone *cue Al Green*
Positive: Settling in terms of realizing that the perfect dimepiece with the Harvard education who is a freak in the sheets does not exist and accepting someone who truly meets your needs and not just a 12-step checklist
sometimes you cannot do better. not that you are unable to find better but what you have cannot be found elsewhere. looks are one things: you may think hes hot and your friend might think hes ok. whatever. genetics and style aside, the way a man can challenge you to do better or the pride you feel in encouraging him and knowing you can handle anything together, that cannot be duplicated. your view of wants and needs was on point and the list will differ for everyone. after the basics are covered (hes ambitious, disciplined and read a book this month for leisure [my bad, thats my list LOL]) you know you are not settling when you found someone with that certain je nais se quoi. you dont know what it is and you certainly cant tell your friends how to find it but it is literally unmatched by anyone else. you could live 100 more years and could not find anyone better than that
What nice post.
Well settling is something we should really think about. But Its up to the person in the situation of course if you really loved the person and you think that she/he is the one for you it is really up to your heart you need to observe what you heart is telling you regardless of what you want and what you need because your wants will always be different from your needs.
It is settling when you choose what you don't want, simple as that. If you want somebody that looks nice to you, and you pick a chick that looks like Eddie Levert in a wig, that would be settling. If you want somebody with a nice personality and you choose somebody with the personality of a brick, that would be settling. Then again, you would have to be what they want as well. It would be settling if you had the requirements that allowed you to theoretically have the best options for you in your opinion, but you chose the worst one you can find. Choosing somebody that treats you wrong when you could have somebody treat you right is settling.
Paul you may not have what you want….but you have everything you need….is that still settling??
Whats more important….your needs or your wants?
Honestly I think needs are more impnt because what you need sustains you and keeps you alive. Without what you need you will die. You can do without getting everything you want.
"If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." -Oprah
I think she was referring to money when she said that but I think it applies here too. A lot of people, especially in this country, are so stuck on this "One" and a romantic comedy version of love, that they just have unrealistic expectations and end up disappointed. if you have a bad attitude, you'll feel like you settled. Or maybe you really did, I guess, but if you have a good relationship with a good person…. count your blessings. WORD
My recent post Awkward Black Intern
I think that it is too unrealistic to make a list and expect to find someone who meets it exactly. I maybe cynical but I don't believe someone has been molded exactly for me nor me for someone.
I think its all about finding someone who is willing to put forth the effort in creating a meaningful and wonderful life with you.
I try to focus on what it is that I bring forth to a relationship and assess whether those qualities will either flourish or diminish in said union and my level of satisfaction about it.
I realize I am whole person and being with another individual is just simply an invitation to accompany me on this journey called life for as long as we both decide or death. The person that I choose will never bear the burden of defining and maintaining my happiness. He will just be a reflection or extension of what I feel is best for me.
All the traits that WIM suggested are nothing short of great but unfortunately life does happen. Meaning something like that great personality maybe effected by a health condtion like stroke.
Embodied the spirit of a giver and you won't feel deprived.
I suppose. Unconsciously, I was in several situations where I set myself up to be the settler. Then I was in some where I thought I was the reacher, but in retrospect, based on what they actually had to bring to the table, I once again was the settler. I'm currently in a situation where I feel we're evenly yoked. That feels good. That's optimal. 🙂
On one hand you have to find the perfect equation of having someone that fulfills your needs and a large enough portion of your wants to keep you happy for a long duration of time. The more I thought about my past dating experiences (the successful and the unsuccessful), I realized that I chose the route of not settling (ending up with someone whose qualities were disproportionate to the needs and wants that I required to stay happy) when I was just dating around. I have a dating blog, http://www.LoveintheA.com, where I have told stories of countless dates. Many followers always wondered why I didn't end up with the nice guy that was attractive, great listener, tall, educated, blah blah, and I told them that he just wasn't right for me. I ended up with someone that met the proper equation of needs and wants that I have made up in my mind to keep me around and happy forever (if it lasts that long). __ The catch to finding the proper balance is being absolutely REALISTIC in which wants (because I see needs as requirements and as you said, the foundation) are most important and are setting you up for longevity. __Awesome post!!!! I will be blogging about this on my site, and I will surely link to this post.
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