Home Advice Jay-Z, Beyonce, Blue Ivy and the Importance of Timing in Love

Jay-Z, Beyonce, Blue Ivy and the Importance of Timing in Love

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spaceships don't come equipped with rear-view mirrors

This weekend, Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter and Beyonce Knowles welcomed to the world their first child, reportedly named Blue Ivy Carter. Considering the couple’s standing in the lexicon of American celebrity, this is as about a momentous an occasion as ever occurs as far as celeb child births are concerned. I am a Jay-Z fan, have been one since 1996, and have spent a lot more time than I’d like to admit following his progression and maturation as an artist and individual. And while he’s lived a life that, on the surface, is vastly different from that of the average American male, at its core, his love life seems to have had a similar arch to that of myself and many of the men I know. The birth of his first child (or first child he’s claimed) provides an interesting place to sit and reflect on how one goes from living and loving the single life, to getting married, to settling down and having a child.

Speaking of which, while you read the post, check out Jay’s new song – Glory – Dedicated to and featuring young Blue Ivy: https://www.singleblackmale.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/glory1.mp3

And some day I slow down but for now I get around like the late Machavelli or Pirelli 20 inches or Kane & O’Dog’s stick-up tape from Menace I’m telling chicks if you must know my business…

What do we know about Jay’s love life? Well, if we go by the music, we get fleeting glimpses of his entire relationship history through musical references like the above. We see in songs like “Girls, Girls, Girls,” “Big Pimpin,” “I Just Wanna Love You,” and “Money, Cash, Hoes” that Jay’s spent a great deal of time indulging in the spoils of being single, successful and desired. At the same time, for years, songs like “Lucky Me,” “Excuse Me Miss,” and “Song Cry” hinted, with a sometimes embarrassing level of vulnerability (by Hip-Hop’s standards) at his underlying desire and lack of success at finding one women with whom he might settle down. Eventually, as the relationship with Ms. Knowles began to progress, so too did the music. We began to see more and more lyrical references to his dedication and commitment to the relationship and his desire for children and less references to his lack of love for these hoes. From her “Deja Vu,” “Upgrade You,” and “Crazy In Love,” to his “03′ Bonnie & Clyde,””Beach Chair,” and “That’s My B*tch,” we see Jay growing, maturing and becoming a man ready to start a family.

“And rumors you on the verge of a new merge, cuz the rock on your finger’s like a tumor, you can’t fit your hand in your new purse …”

As improbable as it sounds, myself and most of the men I know have gone through similar incremental growth as far as our love lives are concerned. For a good part of our lives, marriage and settling down are the furthest thing from our minds. We go through periods of being interested solely in not-so-serious relationships to being interested in serious relationships while not quite ready to share a last name. At the same time, when we look out into the future, most of the men I know have always seen ourselves in love, happily married, with kids. The question becomes: “what changes?” How does one go from “Girls, Girls, Girls,” to “Excuse Me Miss,” to “I do, I do, I do?” What is the difference between the woman a man thinks of when he writes a lyric like “I was just f*ckin them broads I was gon’ get right back” and the woman a man thinks of when he writes a lyric like “Looking back I don’t know who threw this bouquet to me, but I walk down this aisle faithfully, cut the cake for me.”

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The media, pop culture, movies and some musicians lead us to believe that settling down is about finding the right person, but when you look at men who’ve actually settled down you see that more times than not, their settling down is as much about timing as it is about anything else. When it comes to a man’s heart, timing is everything. The right woman at the wrong time = the wrong woman. Jay-Z, Beyonce and Ivy Blue are a perfect example of that. It’s not until Jay-Z begins to tire of everything that comes with being a superstar entertainer, that the relationship with Beyonce begins to move to that next level. It’s then that he breaks away from the long time partnership that brought him into the rap game. It’s then that he takes a more settled, corporate job. It’s then that he begins to set his sights on establishing his own, individual legacy. Jay was on his way toward settling down well before he met Ms. Knowles. This takes nothing away from any love that might exist between the two of them, but it is to say that for them, the timing was perfect. Likewise, most men I know begin the process of settling down well before they actually meet the woman they end up settling down with. The timing of the personal maturation of the individuals in any relationship is as important to its long term success as the chemistry, depth of love, and long term goals of the two individuals in any relationship. This is especially true for men. If a man looks out into the future and sees a blank slate, it’s hard for him to imagine fitting a woman into that. But if he looks out into the future and can describe with clarity exactly what should happen in the next 3, 5 and 10 years, it’s hard not to imagine having a woman by his side.

 “So where I used to have a few hoes, now I’m just, concentrating on making a new Hov through sex.”

But this is all pretty obvious stuff right? Timing is everything, you all knew this already … right? So why does it matter, why is it worth discussing? It’s worth discussing because so many of us are at that transitional age where the prospect of forever is dancing just before our eyes, but seems to be just out of our reach. Many men out there are thinking they might be ready to settle down … if they found the right woman. And many women out there are thinking the same thing about the men they’re meeting; neither wants to waste precious time in relationships that hindsight eventually tells them were doomed from the start. Having a clear understanding of where you are and where your potential mate is in their life can go a long way toward determining the true long-term potential of any relationship.

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As the resident married guy, the most common question I get from single friends these days is “how did you know?” The truth is, as much as I knew MrsMost was the one, I’d also decided that I was ready to be married. If you’re a single man wondering if you’re ready, look around at your life. Is the city you’re currently in the city you see yourself raising kids in? Are you happy in your career or do you have some side-hustle you’re hoping eventually becomes the main hustle? Are your immediate and long term goals helped or hindered with a woman at your side? And if you’re a woman looking at potential suitors, ask them similar questions. Obviously, these don’t have to necessarily be deal-breakers and you probably don’t want to drop them on a first date, but they definitely can go a long way in helping you figure out how far the two of you might go, and can potentially save the two of you from wasting a lot of time.

Where are you guys at this point in your lives? Do you see a serious relationship, marriage, kids in your future? Have you ever had a relationship that seemed like it should’ve lasted forever but was doomed due to poor timing? Specific to the ladies, are you expecting your next mate to be ready for marriage (in the general sense) when you first meet, or are you expecting the growth of your relationship and increasing love to facilitate that ready-ness. Single men out there, I want every one of you who reads this (yes, even you lurkers) to answer the following question. If you met the perfect woman right now, and spent the next 2-3 years building with her the perfect relationship, would you, at that point, be ready to be married?

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Lastly … Can we just be ignorant for a while and talk about Jay and B’s child’s name? Blue Ivy? How do we feel about that? I think Ivy Carter has a nice ring to it, but the “Blue” totally throws it off for me. Naming your baby after your favorite color is kinda basic right? I mean… what if your favorite color was Fuchsia?

It’s a new year … hope you all are well recovered from all the end of the year/beginning of the year festivities. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got big things planned for 2012. Time to get to work. So now that we’re back at it … y’all know what to do … stay low and keep firing.

Comment(101)

  1. I lurk 99.99% of the time; I really enjoy this site. Just curious, do you know Beyonce and Jay Z personally? Or are you making references about their relationship based on what is "reported" in the media?

  2. I read that the number 4 is significant to both of them because her b-bay is Sept 4th and his is Dec 4th and they were married on April 4th (I think), which is why they chose IV (Roman numerals for 4 with a y added). Ivy is a better first name for a girl in my opinion.

    To answer your other question, yes to marriage and kids. Growth is good, but not a ten year arch. J and Bey have been together for 10 yrs, since she was 20. I'm down with a shorter arch as long as the timing is right 🙂

        1. Yep. He was born on the day Fred Hampton died. (December 4th, 1969). He's referred to his birth date a few times throughout his career.

        2. I know….but the Hampton family went nuts off that line,.they found it disrespectful that Jay didnt acknowledge dude was shot dead in his bed

        3. I thought the complaint was a little short sighted. How many of these 90's babies who never heard of Fred Hampton google'd him and learned something after that line.

    1. Personally as a woman I think it just matters that you're in a committed relationship and you have clarity about the "plan" is…how long it takes to get there is irrelevant as long as the journey is stable and loving. Of course I'm not saying stay in a wonky relationship for a decade…but I think if it's good and safe then you're not really worried about that stuff.
      My recent post Speaking of…

      1. That works for women in their 20s. My friends who are 33 and 34 plus almost all say they need to know that a relationship *could* lead to marriage before fully committing themselves. The biological clock is so real for women who desire children.

        1. As we get older we are more risk averse to wasting time. I'm not even thinking about babies but I don’t want to be involved in a relationship that isnt going anywhere. Whereas in my twenties I was ok to just have fun

        2. That's true, and I also agree with Kema. If she has no children…don't even look at her sideways if you're not bringing something serious to the table. But even if she does have kids, there's less patience to deal with someone you know has no real future in your life. Social experimenting is for the young, lol.

        3. ha! sorry I only returned when the conversation was over.

          I think y'all misinterpreted my comment. That's why I said as long as there's clarity about a plan that the both of you have agreed to….then no worries.

          I'm in my late 20's but even when I was in my early 20's "going with the flow" or "let's see where this goes" was never an option – that's just me; I need a plan and I need to see that there's true committment to "our" plan.

          My point was just that, there's no use rushing something if both parties aren't realistically ready for it yet. I'd worry less about the "arch"(how long it takes) and more about the success of the plan(e.g have kids and raise them in a loving, stable family). I get that the biological clock thing is real, but there are worse things than having your first child at 35 or 40.
          My recent post Speaking of…

  3. Song Cry is my favorite hip hop song of all time. I bought all Jaguar's stuff off the strength of that one song.

    When I read some of the questions in the post I feel so odd. I am an old, young person. I feel like I asked myself those questions when I was 20, answered them, and now I'm thinking, "really? I have to do this again?" Opting out never looked so good, lol.

    Blu Ivy…. Meh. I have a cousin named Blu, but he's a boy, lol. I don't like the name Ivy at all. But I am in favor of creative names in general.
    My recent post 30 Day Dating Challenge: Week 1

  4. I totally believe timing is everything. I have been in relationships that could have been perfect had the timing been right. At the same time I am convinced that I wouldn’t enjoy my current relationship as much as I do, had I not went through all those experiences. Quite frankly I simply wasn’t ready for the type of commitment that comes along with a serious relationship. But now after living and learning I am in a much better place to appreciate and value the person am with and our relationship beyond the superficial surface.

    Great post! Had to drop a few lines on this one!

    PS: Cebreties are always doing some random ish with their kids names. But who cares, when you got the billions?

  5. I am really beginning to see that timing really is everything. Now when I date a man it is becoming easier for me to tell who are making that transition in their lives and who just want to have fun. I'm 25 so Im in the crux where men that I've been on dates with seem to be at two different ends of the LTR spectrum. I meet men who still want to party and are looking for a good time, which tends to disappoint me when I decide that they have the things I would like in a partner. At the same time I meet men whom on the first date are already asking If I would move, If and how many kids I want, and If I'm looking for anything serious. etc. etc. I really dislike when people ask personal questions to fast so this turns me off when I meet a man who throws his cards on the table on the first date. I just haven't lucked out and found the guy who is on the same page as me, wants to be in a serious, committed relationship, but is not looking to get married next year.

    Men have it so much easier when they decide they want to settle down. Finding a woman who wants to settle down is the easiest part of the game compared to what women have to pick through. C'est la vie

  6. Good post Mr. Spradley. Timing is everything. As a man who has completed all of my education and working at a dynamic company, I can honestly say if I met a woman which eventually led to a 2-3 year relationship, I would definitely be ready for marriage.

  7. I sort of feel bad for the kid…unless they re-invent their lives(specifically the kind of work they both churn out) that kid is in for it. Would have been better if it was a "he"

    The name is a bit nyeh to me…kinda unoriginal in that forced creativity kind of way, but I'm sure it has some significance to them.
    My recent post Speaking of…

    1. ha! this is where I get like i-dont-know-who-it-was that demanded an explanation for the thumbs down a while back 😀 Some thoughts on what you disagree with would have been nice 🙂
      My recent post Speaking of…

  8. In the grand scheme of things, this name is not bad at all. Keep in mind, Badu named her kids, Seven, Puma and Mars… if those aren't all grounds for WTH moments, I don't know what is. Then you have Angelina Jolie has a kid named Pax. You just never know what's going to happen with celebrity babies. Nonetheless, I wish them well, I hope that the best interest of that child is a priority. You have to be careful of the decisions you make for children when they aren't old enough to make their own.

    I do believe in timing, I think that it's perfectly fine for people to set goals and work towards them. In terms, of marriage and children, I'm a little more into finding the right partner for life and providing for my children in the best possible way, than i'm into being married or having children. I think there's a difference in the two and a lot of people get confused and make horrible decisions. So, in that sense, I live my life and encourage others to not decide they want to be a wife and then go find a man to be their husband, but to go find the person they want to spend their life with, and take it from there. That's why men go on dates with women and drop them. They peep that she really want to be a wife and he really don't have much to do with this in the grand scheme of things. Especially, when she's saying, i'd like to be married in the next four years. Wait… how you know what those four years are going to be like? And also, getting married ain't a football game that you put a time limit on. At least to me that's how I feel.

    1. "I live my life and encourage others to not decide they want to be a wife and then go find a man to be their husband, but to go find the person they want to spend their life with, and take it from there."

      ^^^^complete cosign. And a part off "taking it from there" is making adjustments if necessary…like continuing to grow your relationship until the time for a permanent jump comes. The wrong time can always become the right time if you're patient and the person is worth the wait.

        1. I think it depends. IMO, you determine what adjustments need to be made…and you work towards making them. If you see the work…see the progress, you're good. If they are hemming and hawing…dragging their feet…making excuses, you prob need to be like, "Look, holla at me when you get it together. If I'm free, we can revisit this then." But some people really honor and value a person who can roll with them through the trenches. Imagine the appreciation that comes with that. Is everyone worth that work? Naw. But, some are.

        2. I think that's an obvious question that would be asked by someone who just wants to be a wife. Why would you leave the love of your life for some man just because he's willing to put a ring on your finger? I'm not one of those people who judges people who are together forever and then one day just goes down to the Justice of Peace, or gets married in their sixties because it was just a technicality. Folks got to think about how they approaching the situation.

        3. but there are so many people in the world. Maybe I consider your question differently because I don't believe that the great 'love of your life' can come only once, or that there's only one person out there for you. I think there are so many options that if marriage is on your mind and not his then well you aren't as compatible as it seems.

    2. So nice to get this perspective from a man, Dr. J. Don't hear men in my life that think like this. Perhaps I'm different. But if I met the right guy, I could make it the 'right' time. We could 'grow' together. I too want to find the right partner for me, whenever that happens, as opposed to saying, "Well, I'll be 31 this year. Let me join Eharmony and the next dude I meet that wants to get married, I'll marry him!" Lol. Sadly, I have a friend of mine who did this. The marriage lasted 3 years and she's taking the divorce (that she initiated) hard…..

      1. What of the marriages that last until death that were arranged. Ironically those marriages do better.

        Speaking of arranged marriages…I saw this movie On Demand called "Arranged" about a Muslim and a Jewish woman embarking on their journey of selecting a husband. I won't give away the ending but its shows how although there is a timeline and the family involved, the person still ultimately decides.

        Those cultures have less divorce. Most people will say "well who says they are happy, and they are forcing it" …to that I say….how do you know? It's working so they must be doing something right.

        1. Great point! I think Arranged marriages have a success rate in the 90%. They have been happening in many cultures for centuries. Our country is a few hundred years old and can barely manage a 50% success rate. When I was in college I met a young woman in her 20's from Somalia who had been in an arranged marriage since she was 16. She said she and her husband were in love and very happy. I know some people are thinking "Married at 16". On some level I don't have a problem with her being married at 16 because of the familial support system in certain cultures to ensure success of marriage, considering our country has a high teen pregnancy rate with many fathers missing in action.

        2. You realize that in those countries where they have a 90% success rate they also stone women. The incentive ain't love in those situations.

    3. "I'm a little more into finding the right partner for life and providing for my children in the best possible way, than i'm into being married or having children. I think there's a difference in the two and a lot of people get confused and make horrible decisions"

      #GBAM.
      My recent post Speaking of…

  9. Now, if a dude meets the right lady could he just decide to make it the right time and build his life around her? Just wondering.

    I actually like the name Ivy but not Blue. I think they should've named their dog that or something.

    1. Now, if a dude meets the right lady could he just decide to make it the right time and build his life around her? Yes, but to keep it real, most men are not raised/taught to build their lives around a woman. Most men establish their lives, then find a woman. Age not withstanding because you can be "established" at whatever age. It's been said before by a number of commenters but men typically decide they want to be married, then find a woman (if they don't already have one in mind); whereas, it seems women typically find a man, then decide they want to be married. It's a subtle but key difference.

      My recent post Video Blog: WisdomIsMisery Does Vegas

    2. LOL! I was thinking the same thing and didn't say it. Some people give their dogs people names. It does sound like Blue iwould make a cute little doggie name…just sayin' lol.

  10. I’ve been a Jigga fan since 96…lusting after Bey since 98…so naturally….i still dont care about their relationship lol. While I like Ivy and the sybolism i dont get the blue.

  11. If you met the perfect woman right now, and spent the next 2-3 years building with her the perfect relationship, would you, at that point, be ready to be married?

    Great post Most. Ironically, this has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks. Timing is everything in relationships. Case in point: when I was in undergrad, I met this amazing girl and I knew that we could work. I never pursued her because I was more focused on achieving my educational and professional goals. As I have gotten older, I discovered that I really desire to building something with someone and look forward to having her support in that endeavor. The ride is so much more fun when someone can ride with you.

    So to answer your question, yes I probably would marry her after 3 years. I never was the guy that played the field (I play to my strengths lol). I finally starting to see my professional goals being met and I'm pretty content in my life at the moment. I really think I'm at the point in my life that I know what to do when she walks into my life.

    1. Co-sign 100%, I'm at that point in my life right now, my enthusiasm to dating with no long-term situation in the future has dissappeared and I agree with Most on the timing concept. As a man one day you will wake up and all debauched lifestyle you use to engage in, all of a sudden will seem so weak and every man's timing is different, some come early while others come late, mine came recently and its a bit unfair sometimes to the women in our life if the timing is not yet there. Now I can't help it but I'm always unconciously evaluating every VSS I'm out on a date with , thinking "what if" circumstances changes, do I see me and her embracing our strenghts and faults till death do us part? I think my timing is 95% there and if I encounter the right VSS, we both will probably be off the market within 2 yrs.

  12. Very well written. So much so I can, at the moment, think of nothing else to add. So….im going to jump straight to the ignorance of the name.

    Had ANY other 9-5 working, everyday John and jane named their child this we would be ready to hang them for such utter coonery. But as this is Jay and Bey and we know that this child shall inherit fame, fortune and wealth, a name like this gets a pass. She will likely go into some form or music or entertainment I bet. And even if she doesn’t and chose to enter a corporate world those doors will likely already be open to her because of who her parents are.

    BUT I do believe, as someone else said, a better name would have been Brook Lynn Carter.

    1. i mean… her mother's name is Beyonce and her aunt's name is Solange. i'm sure those aren't listed in the most acceptable baby names either. Blue and Ivy are not Aquanetta and Dyarshanesha. lol. i know way more "regular" people with horrible names than celebrity babies.
      My recent post Sliding Doors: Part X

  13. "The right woman at the wrong time = the wrong woman."

    this about sums up your post for me. its no surprise that i've been thinking about marriage for a minute now. i think i'm getting to the point where I'm starting to ask myself tough questions. philandering isn't quite what it used to be. i'm looking at traits in women now that would make me think if i could spend the rest of my life with them. once i figure out i can't then i don't really want to be bothered with them. it sounds cruel on the surface but i think its better to cause heartbreak now than devastation down the road. perhaps you were on to something with that conversation that we had.

    good post man.
    My recent post A Revolutionary Act

    1. "once i figure out i can't then i don't really want to be bothered with them. it sounds cruel on the surface…"

      Nope, not at all… you wanna get married but you know for a fact you don't want to marry her, what's the point? Sounds basic and effective.
      My recent post 30 Day Dating Challenge: Week 1

  14. I begrudgingly believe in timing.

    I'm also not expecting anything from my next mate as I have this kind of jinxed mentality that when I start looking, like seriously looking, I'll end up hurt and bitter and angry and just feed into that intelligent but bitter black woman stereotype. That ain't the life for me. If anything I hope that Mr. NextMan would be in the same position that I am in; tentatively approaching life's cliff, and trying to incorporate another person into it before jumping completely off.

    As for the new baby Blu(e)…I think Ivy Blue would be better than Blue Ivy. Blue Ivy sort of sounds like a strip club or something even less savory whereas Ivy has a regal ring to it… But she ain't my kid so…*shrug*
    My recent post Musing: Idealism

  15. timing is always everything with a man. i've been the right woman at the wrong time and things eventually do not work out, even if the man himself wants it to.

    as for the name.. i like it. Blue is romantic to me. and Ivy… well i know like ten Ivys, so it doesn't seem unusual to me in the slightest. i think people need to differentiate between ghetto and unique. just because something is different, doesn't mean it's ghetto. now if they'd named her Aquanetta Vinery… okay. lol

    then again, i want to name my daughter Story, so my perspective is a little different. lol
    My recent post Sliding Doors: Part X

      1. thanks, i think so too! …but after further consideration of attaching a last name to it… nothing really works. lol. sooo it may end up being a middle name.

        i blame Most for ruining my hopes and dreams with his gchat intervention. jerk. lol
        My recent post Sliding Doors: Part X

        1. Awww Most is a party pooper! lol It'll be a good middle name too. It's perfect if you ask me because you're such a great writer. It's not like you wanted to name her Inkpen or Journal or something.

        2. aww thank you! 🙂 and LMBO at Inkpen or Journal.

          i used to coach varsity volleyball and once they found out i was a writer they made a game of coming up with names for my future children. the funniest one was Fictionita Genrenay. lmbo
          My recent post two sweaty dollars

  16. I will cut to the chase here since I admittedly did not read the comments above:
    I had this conversation with a good female friend of mine a few days ago, and I could hear what I was saying when this exact subject came up.
    If the right woman came into my life TODAY, I would be ready to court her TODAY. I've come to the point in my life where I can't let the moving target perception of what defines a man to hinder me anymore. I can't worry about that. If I did, I wouldn't get married until I'm in my 40's. Above all, it's about when God deems me (and my wife to be) ready for each other.
    I've done just about everything a single man can do (except an escape to Rio, but I digress), so I say it's about that time. And where I'm at in life now, if God wants it to happen, it will. PERIOD

  17. As far as timing goes…its like SBM was saying a few weeks back. Sometimes you gotta be mentally ready, no matter how great she may be until you're ready for those next steps there isnt much that will come of it. Personally Jay always hit me as kind of a softy relationship wise. In fact theres a couple of rappers that regardless of what they say on records deep down be heads over heels. Tunechi.

  18. I actually like names that have a significance to the parents. Can't help but to ask what happened to Brooklyn? I mean was this the name that you always wanted to name your child bc you have ALWAYS loved the color Blue….and you "coincidentally" dated a chick of the same moniker. Who knows maybe it's spelled BLEU& not BLU or BLUE! LOL I'll wait until the parent's give the spelling cause I know MTO & TMZ Probably has everybody in Vital Records working OVERTIME with a $10K commission to get a hold of that BIRTH CERTIFICATE checking for the name of mother !(i'm so not kidding they have been browbeating this whole "pregnancy") I actually like how their relationship has unfolded. Their Security is tighter than a Fort Knox. I projected when I thought I would be settled enough to be in a relationship, married, etc. I didn't follow through "Real Life" took over. Or to indirectly quote, the growth of my relationship and increasing love facilitated the ready-ness of my relationship. Although things happened out of the order I had hoped, I am generally glad I had some sort of plan for my life, cause I could've been caught out there for min.

  19. Can't say I've had a potential relationship doomed due to timing unless you count relationships doomed due to immaturity. I tried to look back and there's nobody I can say that if it were today or a couple years from now, things would work out.

    Timing is important though. It's evident in how much men say "I'm working on me right now" even though women think that's a cop out excuse. Like Most said in the post, wrong time is still the wrong woman. I wish more people respected that.
    My recent post Plain Truth: Why You Shouldn’t Put Bloggers on Pedestals

  20. I think the wrong time becomes the wrong partner when one partner begins pushing for an upgrade/marriage before the other partner is ready.

    Plenty of successful couples have tackled growth together…education, no job to job to career, no money to money, etc…and they were content to work together or support their partner while they get it together.

    wrong time + pressure = wrong partner

    wrong time + right person + patience = possibility

    1. I like that last equation. But how does someone balance that with stupidity? (i.e. waiting for someone who never has any intention of taking it there.)

      1. LOL! Great question…

        If you're dealing with the "right person", honesty should be front and center in the rela. You shouldn't allow yourself to be strung along. Intentions should be discussed…not implied or assumed. If neither of you have the same intentions for your future once the time is right, you need to leave it alone.

        It can't be the right person if you have any insecurities about how they feel about you or what they want from you or the reverse. If you're questioning whether or not you're being stupid, the root of that is insecurity. Find out whether or not the insecurity is valid or not…then decide to bouce or stay.

  21. Although I am already married…if I somehow got the chance to do it over again…I would expect for the brother and I too begin thinking long term after 6 months even less. Where do you see this going? Could you see yourself married TO ME? If not…kick rocks. My husband proposed to me after 6 months of dating. He BEEN ready from what he tells me. He was just waiting on someone he could see himself being married to. I refuse to allow someone to reap all this while secretly waiting on a better option to come along. You can continue to wait but it won't be my time. Time waits for no one and you can’t get back precious years of wasted time. I want my children and husband to get my youth not wait until I get old and tired to hang up my jersey.
    Being ready….what does that mean exactly? Ready to pay bills—ahh you should already be doing that…You are grown right? Ready to have children…we don't have to do that right away or ever. You are born ready to be parents. Timing is everything –I get that if you are a teenager. Once you are grown, you put away childish things. It does not take years to figure out if you are ready to put away dating, sleeping around, and all the other things being single is about.

    If the 'right' woman/man comes along and you screw it up….you just screwed it up. It had nothing to do with timing. Maybe you weren't mature, and that is more about being willing to grow up than about time. There are plenty old immature people in this world. The difference between someone being ready and not being ready is nothing more than a CHOICE. Everyone gets cold feet about major changes.

    It crazy how at the end of the day that although 90% of us want a family…we hold out until the last minute all under the guise of choices and timing. Let's tell it like it really is…most people want their cake and eat it too, it’s hard to be responsible and make a choice and 'settle' down. A family is HARD WORK (although worth it). It's easier to take care of your needs and wants. Besides a person would actually not want to be selfish anymore and SHARE themselves and what they have with others. A person would actually have to be responsible for someone other then themselves. A person would actually have to say NO to the other options. Timing? Just say what its really about people, we are all grown here.

    This is not for those people that don't want to be married….lol.

    1. Cosign, BB.

      Its only the wrong time because one partner or both is choosing not to the make the necessary adjustments (regardless of what they are) to make the relationship work. You've determined that the person is not worth changing/derailing your preset plans…and thats not wrong. Everyone has a right to make that choice.

    2. I feel you on this, although I gotta say – I enjoyed the heck out of my early 20's. I grew up pretty sheltered, and a few years to try stuff, fall on my face, learn that people aren't as nice as I thought they were, etc. was very necessary for me. So I don't take argument with the whole concept of "finding yourself", you just gotta find yourself with someone who feels the same way. Don't be greasy and make someone commit to you because you like how it feels and you're trying out the idea of commitment.

      1. "Don't be greasy and make someone commit to you because you like how it feels and you're trying out the idea of commitment. " <— testify!

    3. ^Trill.

      Timing is important for when I have a kid or something, I want my shit together so I can afford that. Unless I'm going through some REAL shit, like trauma or something, why would I let go of the "right person" because of timing? I'm an extremely career minded and driven, but I cannot imagine a situation my professional goals simply couldn't allow me to get married. Maybe I'm too young or haven't experienced enough, but it doesn't seem that serious.
      My recent post Awkward Black Intern

  22. Beef are you a September virgo? Both of their birthstones are blue (sapphire and blue zircon). I'm thinking this has something to do with the name since they seem to be really into their birthday similarities.

  23. The right woman at the wrong time = the wrong woman. A thousand co-signs. Although, as I've spoken about before, I think some men ignorantly believe they can always find the right woman at any time and that is just as misguided. You have to find a balance. I do, however, believe it's easier for a man to find a woman ready to commit than it is the inverse but perhaps that's another discussion for another day…

    As for the name Blue Ivy or Blu Ivy goes, it's weird. We all know it. Let's admit it. Thing is, they're famous and famous people can get away with crap like that. They arent held to the standards of us average folk. Then again, the same can be said about Barack Obama and you see where he is now (mind you he went by Barry too – so that says something). Names can be limiting but they dont have to be and in this case, it wont be because of who her parents are.

    My recent post Video Blog: WisdomIsMisery Does Vegas

  24. Being that both are equally sucessful in their own right, another point to consider is that Jay-Z and Beyonce provide one another the clarity of knowing that their motives for being in the marriage are pure.

  25. "The birth of his first child (or first child he’s claimed)…" <—– this right here, is a public service announcement.

    We tend to talk about timing on the "not yet" front – a lot of us are so afraid to settle down too soon that we settle down too late. Don't be like the old Kappa who bent my ear last week talmbout do I have a twin, what's my status, he's successful but doesn't have anyone to share it with. All off the strength of a phone conversation. Kappas? Get your boy.

    I believe in timing because I've seen it at work in my own life. BUT…I find it funny that men hammer it into women that a MAN has to be ready, but balk at the idea of being the "insert husband here" as part of her plan because SHE is ready. Turnabout is fair play fellas.

  26. Timing is everything. With that said many of us won’t get married and may not have kids. Marriage like everything has been re defined. It’s what you did to show mom and dad you were grown and ready to move on. It happened in rapid succession. We all have aunts and parents, uncles and older cousins who all got hitched in the same span of time. These days it’s not even close to that. Add finding work to last as a career takes up the years our parents had to settle down and raise kids.

    The average college grad my age-36, has had a rocky time with the traditional timing of relationships. I’m one of these “non linear” types. College took its toll on me. It took ten years working no benefit service gigs to get my degree (throw a transfer in there too). I was never in a position to really build with a woman. Women want stablity, not gonna get that dating the 27 hr old working at the print shop for $8.50 and hour.

    Eventually at 30 I got my degree. But by then the economy was in the tank. My moms died. Life was all in my face. And then there’s my career. I’m a film maker. It’s a hard business to date in. Truth is getting older doesn’t lock any thing in. Unless salary increases with age it may be a foolish choice to wait to have the kids and marriage. Best believe jay an Bey success plays a huge role here.

  27. Up until recently, I would always add some disclaimer that I wasn't sure I would ever get married, but I decided to drop it. I want a husband and family, and I am planning and acting accordingly. This includes not partnering with someone who's not sure that he wants to be married anytime within the next 5-10 years . I'm still young, but unwilling to waste time that would be better spent developing myself in a potentially dead-end relationship. Two marriage-minded people will not necessarily see the same aisle, but you get a leg up when you're working towards the same goals.

    Specific to the ladies, are you expecting your next mate to be ready for marriage (in the general sense) when you first meet, or are you expecting the growth of your relationship and increasing love to facilitate that ready-ness.

    As long as he desires it in the near future and is currently interested a serious committed relationship, we can facilitate that ready-ness for one another over time. I'm not yet there, myself.

  28. Heard this said one time from someone about timing. . "Don't pray for god to send you someone, pray that you are READY for when he does". . . So simple and sooo true. .

  29. These angsty discussions about getting it right make me a little sad for people. You have no control. You are not going to figure it out and get it right and live happily ever after. Relationships are not plan-able, controllable, failure proof-able. It’s a crap shoot on top of a difficult circumstance with enough happy moments sprinkled in so you dont choose to quit. Till you do.

    After “maturing” and deciding to settle down after id tired of the single scene, i married. Then shit (life) happened and now I’ve matured again to realize shit happens and you only have right here and right now. You only control your body and your mind. Everything else might go your way, might not. Just go with the flow.

    1. That's exactly how I felt as I read this article and the comments — sad. I don't know exactly why, but yeah. I've been having too many conversations lately about marriage, and babies, and DAMN that biological clock shit is getting to me. But you right "just go with the flow" is the best medicine.
      My recent post Awkward Black Intern

  30. I like the name Ivy….very nice unique name for a girl and Not ghetto or "too ethnic" like Beyonce or Solange…..lol But I think the name is unique and different and and Ivy Blue Carter had a cute ring to it….Blue is kinda boyish though…..they should've named her pink or something like that since it's a girl.
    Would I be ready for marriage now….definitely. But only with the right man who is ready also.
    I think marriage is about taking a chance and a risk. Many folks don't wanna do it because of the potential risk factor involved. Folks know there are no guarantees and they could easily end up with the wrong person.
    I think some folks aren't willing to get married because they just don't feel it's worth the risk. Thinking you will find the perfect person that you will necessarily be able to love and like and adore everyday of your life is kinda unrealistic. If your with a person long enough you will at some point not like them and at some point you may want to leave. But no matter what you love the person enough to stay with them and they love you enough to stay with you.
    For women who don't have kids and really want and desire a child that is a real factor for them. Bottom line women can't have kids after a certain age is either very risky and/or impossible. Women can have kids though with or without a man.

  31. I definitely had a relationship where every thing and I mean EVERY THING lined up but the timing was off. If we had met ten years from when we originally met it there would have been rings n things, but we didn't… so it was just a really great experience that unfortunately had to end. This was a very good and very true article. Thanks for sharing!

    I think women want to rush into marriage because it's "the thing to do", but if you're not ready, you're not ready. And if he's not ready, FORGET ABOUT IT!

    S/N: Yeah that Blue Ivy is a little off to me too…. I like Ivy Carter, but can't get with calling a child Blue. I was hoping for little Brooklyn.
    My recent post Angry Black Woman Syndrome

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