At least that’s the assertion put forth by American sociologist Dr. Eric Anderson author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating. The Huffington Post conducted an online interview with Dr. Anderson, which you can read in full here: Why Men Need to Cheat. In this post, we will find out if cheating in a relationship is justified.
Dr. Anderson argues that monogamy is not natural for most people, especially men. In his opinion, and I agree, most men can sleep around without developing a significant emotional attachment to women outside of their relationship. While this does not account for all men, some committed men simply want to sleep around without the intention of ever developing a connection beyond the physical, what he calls “recreational sex.” Huffington Post writes:
[Dr. Anderson] wonders why we stigmatize someone who has a fling more than couples who divorce — throwing away a marriage rich in history and love, upsetting their kids’ lives — over something like sex.
Whether you agree monogamy is natural or unnatural, for men or women, I think we can all agree monogamy is a choice and so is infidelity. However, Dr. Anderson’s theory is that if you choose to cheat sexually, but not emotionally, it should not be the sole justification to terminate an otherwise happy and successful relationship. Since most men cannot have the best of both worlds, they choose the selfish route – cheating physically, while remaining faithful emotionally. Observing this phenomenon, Dr. Anderson sought to understand why habitually unfaithful men would even want monogamous relationships in the first place. A quote from the article:
Cheating, however, serves men pretty well. An undiscovered affair allows them to keep their relationship and emotional intimacy, and even if they’re busted it’s a lot easier than admitting that they wanted to screw someone else in the first place.
The good doctor alleges that men, even unfaithful men, desire emotional commitment. It is the physical commitment they struggle with because men are naturally designed to crave sex with other women. For example, his non-statistical study of 120 undergrads showed enjoyment of monogamous sex dipped precipitously after only two years. Assuming these are not leap years, that’s a mere 730 days for those of you keeping track at home.
The reason men lie about cheating is mostly because they know that if they ask for permission to have recreational sex:
1) they will be denied
2) after they are denied, they will be subject to scrutiny and increased relationship policing;
3) they will be stigmatized as immoral, and most likely broken up with. Thus, honesty doesn’t meet their desires of having both a long-term partner and recreational sex with others.
The way cheating men see it, it’s either cheat or don’t cheat. But telling their partners they want sex outside the relationship, or telling their partners that they actually cheated, is viewed as a surefire way of achieving relationship termination. When men cheat for recreational sex — not affairs — they DO love their partners. If they didn’t, they would break up with them.
John Legend, who is not a doctor, covered this subject years earlier in his song Number One where he croons the following romantic lyrics, “You can’t say I don’t love you, Just because I cheat on you, Cuz you can’t see all I do, To keep you from knowing the things I do, Like erase my phone, And keep it out of town, I keep it strapped up when I sleep around.”
As a man, the only thing shocking about Dr. Anderson’s (and John Legend) theories on monogamy and infidelity is the fact that they are so accurate. They correctly explain how unfaithful men justify their actions but that doesn’t mean the actions of unfaithful men should be defended…or should they?
Is the key to a successful relationship, like that of the Army preluding the presidency of Barack Obama, simply necessitate the implementation of a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy? Do you think emotional cheating (on-going affair) and physical cheating (recreational sex/flings) are equivalent? Is cheating cheating regardless of the means of application? Assuming you would never find out, do you still want to know if your partner was unfaithful whether it be physically or emotionally? Has it become unreasonable to expect men (or women) of our generation to remain monogamous?
We hope that after reading the above post, you will also like our next post which is – Why Her Boyfriend Hates Her Boy-friends.
To me if the only way you can be with me is to cheat with someone else then you really aren’t satisfied in our relationship. As far as men separating emotions from sex they might separate one emotion (love) but there are a number of different feelings that comes with the mistress. Maybe he feels he can be his real self around her, maybe he doesn’t feel as pressure to be perfect around her, maybe he can do all the freaky things his wife won’t do with her, he could feel comfort, relief and unstressed and less anxious with her. Plus as a woman you always have to wonder if your cheating man loves you but just can’t keep it in his pants or if he loves the fact that no matter who he screws your always there , your consistent you aren’t going nowhere he can run wild.
As far as if cheating is the only way to a successful relationship I think that’s false, a successful relationship to me is one where both parties are on the same page about what is expectable and unacceptable in their relationship and agree on where they want the relationship to go as a whole
+2, 3 ,and 4
@Smilez_920, all you wrote could be true. As far as men separating emotions from sex they might separate one emotion (love) but there are a number of different feelings that comes with the mistress. But as men, we make certain commitments and a lot of woman do and act a certain way to get men. Then when he's all in Be it marriage or child involved, she's got what she wanted then her true self starts to show. As men, we are all in financially, children or put ourselves in such a bind that we look for that comfort we used to believe we got from her. Now, you feel stuck and know you made a mistake but too much has happen and you are not ready to fully move on and thus the mistress, until either she changes or else we get the nerve to move on. Not as easy as you make it to just break up, divorce or move on a lot a stake.
Time and time again people have tried to justify cheating by saying that just because one cheats doesn't me they don't love their partner. That may be true, but they clearly don't respect them. And if thats the case, I'll take 'respect and like' over 'love and waywardness', thanks!
I don't think allowing your s.o to cheat is the key to a successful relationship. Thats just dumb. Especially if the one being cheated on is bothered by it. How does that equate to a successful relationship? That ain't nothin but friends with benefits/selfishness. Now if both people are ok with this cheating scenario, then it very well may be one of the tumblers in the lock of THEIR successful relationship. But it definitely is not a blanket solution to relationship woes…not by a longshot!
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I feel the same way. This seems like a pop science justification for men having their cake and eating it too, which might be awesome for the man, but not the woman. And if he truly LOVE his woman, wouldn't the man care about how SHE feels about his cheating? Or is he just trying to make his life more comfortable/easier.
I think this is one of those LIFE ISN'T FAIR lessons that men (or anyone who cheats) needs to learn. Want a successful relationship? Commit to it. Want sex with new partners all the time, go after that instead of a relationship. Stop trying to figure out how to do both in secret, because it ain't happenin'. YOU NEED TO MAKE A DECISION.
"Time and time again people have tried to justify cheating by saying that just because one cheats doesn't me they don't love their partner. That may be true, but they clearly don't respect them."
I completely agree. This is the exact problem with cheating. No, I don't want my man to share the intimacy of sex with another woman (or possibly bring anything home from doing so), but what hurts most when someone, man or woman, cheats is the blatant disrespect to your partner and the relationship that you all share. "…I'll take 'respect and like' over 'love and waywardness'…"
son, i'm not touching this one! very interesting post though. i'm interested in the comments and convo that follows.
I feel that if it's ok for the man to cheat then it should be ok for the female to cheat also. You can't expect for women to think it's ok and normal for men and we should just over look it. If the same doesn't hold true for women. Sometimes we need something on the out side too we get tired of the same old same old man as well and want to have something different for the most part either way I think with all the stuff out there that you can catch these days what ever your choice is to cheat or not you should use protection wether you are male or female. And just a little side note to you men out there you aren't the only ones that cheat women do it every day we just don't get caught!. as often matter of fact the women that you are having an affair with probably has a man at home she just has you believing you're the only one! LOL Men ! Doesn't take a Doctor or Rocket science to figure this one out!…
If it’s ok 4 2 cheat 2 b happy i call that happy wickedness bcos COMMITMENT is thrown to the wind. A couple have many years to discover ndw things about eachother. That’s y commitment makes for singleness of heart, mind & purposes. I wonder how the guy would feel if his girl’s cheating on him to b happy too! Think about.
Been married for 12 yes. Have been having recreational sex for 7 yrs. He got what he put n gets now what he puts n. Men have been doggin women out for yrs. so pay backs are really bitches. Men that get caught want to get caught…. they don’t know how to cheat. I have done it this long n not been caught. Besides he can only get 40 percent of me the rest is mine to share….. Men there really is a thin line between love n hate…. Look out world women are here to take control of our lives not to control men, we just choose to keep u all around as husbands case were bored …. Love don’t love no one. Thx me!
luly is that you? you do cheat
I understand why you are not touching that. The women are screaming from the rooftops especially with that comment "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
I wonder what would happen if women would stop sleeping with unavailable men, then they would be no one to cheat with. No there's FOOD FOR THOUGHT!
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I think most people in the western world are becoming quite aware of the "reality" of cheating. But fuck if I'm going to let my dude think I don't expect faithfulness. And further, the more these type of articles and general comments, the more niggas become empowered to think this shit is okay, to the point where they're barely feeling guilty cause its "just inevitable." Maybe I'm exaggerating, but the culture of dating and marriage and shit is already loose as it is, and in favor of men. I don't think we need to make it easier.
Although I do agree with the point about divorce. It's kind of a catch 22 though. Don't let infidelity ruin what you've built for years, but divorce is the only true thing a person has as a deterrence for infidelity. Smh.
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LOL at your name tho. I digs it.
I think these points are pretty much all valid…and I'm still not with it. LoL. Can men cheat and still love their main girl? Sure, I've seen it more times than I care to remember. To me though, all this talk of allowing men to cheat takes away from the main relationship. It's like an easy out. Why should a man learn to effectively communicate his chexual needs to his partner if he can just go experiment with other women? Why work together toward awesome chemistry in bed if he can go elsewhere to be satisfied anyway? How can he ever be completely thrilled with me if no matter what, we know his ultimate thrill is always a new conquest? I can never give him that again. In this scenario, women are just losing.
Plus, for the guys who advocate for this, is she allowed to do the same? Most guys I know would crumble at the thought of their women being with another man, So if you can't handle that, we shouldn't have to.
As for if he's already cheated and I don't know, unless you know my health has been jeopardized, please don't tell me. Swallow your guilt (pause.)
Not sure how much I'll be around today so I'd like to interject this into the conversation early on.
MissMina: To me though, all this talk of allowing men to cheat takes away from the main relationship. It's like an easy out. Why should a man learn to effectively communicate his chexual needs to his partner if he can just go experiment with other women? Why work together toward awesome chemistry in bed if he can go elsewhere to be satisfied anyway? How can he ever be completely thrilled with me if no matter what, we know his ultimate thrill is always a new conquest?
I agree. It is an easy out. However, I'd like to point out that the latter part of your questions arent easily addressed. To a degree, women (and men) are limited in their sexual development. This is not limited to sex. For example, even if everyone receives the same training not everyone is CEO material. Some women (and men, I guess) are naturally CEOs in bed, others have Supervisor talent or Line Staff and on down the line to the Mail Room.
The idea that you can simply train a woman to please you sexually, even if she wants to learn, is quite frankly, very inaccurate. Some women will just always be naturally better than others in bed. To be fair, I assume, this is the equivalent of saying some men will naturally be larger than others. While you may believe the motion of the ocean > than the size of the boat, that's assuming he can learn how to navigate the ocean. Married or otherwise, I think we've all had partners that could satisfy us to varying degrees. The idea that just because you marry someone means they are your best partner in bed is going to be false, 9 times out of 10, which is why you need more than sexual chemistry to sustain a relationship "forever."
Same goes for how men view women. Sometimes a man can see himself sexually faithful to one woman and emotional faithful to another woman – this is not always the same woman because they may not be equally gifted in either area – emotionally and sexually. That's why monogamy is essentially about honoring the strength and resolve of your word, often times, despite your weaker emotions/desires.
In response to your second paragraph, another quote from the article that I left out due to word limits should suffice, "it is indeed selfish for men to want sex with others but not to want their partners to do the same. This however is not just a "man" thing. Women also cheat; they also lie about it; and they also want to be able to cheat without their partners doing the same. Monogamy is a problem for all sexes; it builds in an ownership script regardless of gender.
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Again monogamy is not the problem because it is a choice you don’t have to be in a monogamous relationship their are women who are down to live a swinger lifestyle with you. If u just feel like u can’t be with one woman that bad than find a women who is down for the open relationship. Men want to have th pieces of the pie they want to sleep around but have one women to themselves that no other man can touch.
To me if a man is cheating it’s one of 3 things he’s unhappy in his relationship ( again it doesn’t always have to be sexually he could just be having sex as one of the ways to express what he’s missing at home) he nonlongerbis interested in his wife / spouse period, or maybe juts maybe monogamy was never ever in his cards and he needs to find a swinger.
As fat as the animal conparission when man kind first started yea sex was jut about procreation but as humans devolved it became about more then just spreading your seed so to men the whole ” well lions have many female mates theory ” isn’t going to cover the butts of cheating men.
In reference to you second paragraph it not always the case that the man is unhappy with anything. That assumptions is completely in correct, and has no concreate foundation. The reasons men cheat a far beyond any one woman or man comprehension, and reason should not be loosely tosed around as they may give women an incorrect perspective.
I was wondering why you left that particular quote out. *nods*
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@WIM- I hear you, I definitely do. Not everyone can have those p0rn star skills in the bedroom. I'm not necessarily implying that they can be taught, nor am I implying that one's spouse will be the best they ever had. I'm sure many many people would dispute that. I do, however believe that sex life can always be improved upon in some manner if the effort and communication is there. I can't imagine that any woman truly giving 100% effort into pleasing her man can't satisfy him, even if someone else can/has done a better job before..____My fear, like I stated above, is that he won't bother giving her a chance to step her game up if given the opportunity to test something else.____As for your point that both men and women cheat, we get that, but this is far from the first time we've heard this "suggestion", and the sentiment seems to overwhelmingly be directed at men only recieving this privilege. Like I said, the VAST majority of men can't handle even the thought of her smashing someone else.
I can't imagine that any woman truly giving 100% effort into pleasing her man can't satisfy him, even if someone else can/has done a better job before. I'm not so sure about that but we may have to agree to disagree. As far as everything else, I do agree. Plus communication is definitely a big part which is often left out of these types of discussions – from both men and women. Meaning, did you even give him/her to address your grievances or did you assume that you would "have" to be unfaithful in order to find happiness. That said, doesn't mean it can be resolved. Just because you want to be Michael Jordan doesn't mean any amount of 100% effort is going to make you Michael Jordan – and that's all I have to say about that.
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Im interested in your point of views.. Lets discuss them together maybe over some drinks.. Coffee… Etc…
" As for if he's already cheated and I don't know, unless you know my health has been jeopardized, please don't tell me. Swallow your guilt (pause.)"
Great comment altogether but that comment stood out to me, because it's basically how i feel. I always assume that after a relationship has passed 5 years that this is a realistic possibliity. U become so used to each other that it's impossible to re-kindle the passion of the first year or 2. But I agree with that comment above. Swallow your guilt like u…nevermind, but yeah be discreet and don't let ANYONE find out, not just me. It is what it is…
That comment stuck out to me, but I feel the opposite. Cheating is not only problematic because you're dishonoring our emotional and sexual commitment to each other, but you're ALSO making a fool out of me, thinking I have a good man while others are aware he's messing around.
Sorry, but if you cheat on me, the only way you might possibly continue to be a man in which I'm interested is by owning up to it and facing the consequences.
Question for the men?
How would you feel if you loved your women and she said she love you but she just need some new (penis) from time to time would you believe that it is nothing more than that?
Like stated in many books, blogs and post on the web, woman have a higher chance at getting emotionally attached after a few sexual encounters with a man. Let me make it clear that I am not saying that men do not have the likely hood to do the same. I have been in love and have had to be away from my partner for months on hand, and with that i knew she would have sexual needs and desires that i could not fill due to the situation.If she was to find someone she was attracted to physically and felt she just wanted him to physically satisfy her and not let her emotion get involved and was protected when she did so I would by all means still love her the same way and be with her when i returned.
Yes. But how would you FEEL? What is she says she is different? Forgot what "they say" and just put yourself in that position, please, and tell us how that makes you feel.
Lots of different style relationships can and have worked throughout the history of civilization. I think people should at least think about different variations and how they would within them before completely shutting themselves too monogamy. As far as an open relationship? If you're going to catch a b!tchfit if your partner wants to indulge as well, you shouldn't try to put it in your relationship.
Yep. It's basic. They don't hear you though.
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3 separate comments:
There are a few points in this post and the reference article that support the argument that marriage is a outdated, unnecessary social expectation. Most notably, if monogamy is unnatural for both sexes, why get married? Marriage is a statement in front of God, friends & family that you want to be forever linked to one person…
Let's keep in mind that the 120 male undergrads in that study were probably between 18-23, seems natural that a young man that age would struggle with physical commitment.
Lastly, while there are some women who like sex simply for it's physical rewards, others like sex because of the actual (or perceived) emotional connection. I'd go as far as to say that some women only commit physically because they want the emotional. I could see why emotional cheating and physical cheating would hurt a woman equally bad.
"I'd go as far as to say that some women only commit physically because they want the emotional."
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This is good advice, solid advice. This is what happens when you let him cheat:
Kobe about to lose a 150 Ms.
Kobe my n*gga, I hate it had to be him
Bitch you wasn’t with me shooting in the gym.
Bitch you wasn’t with me shooting in the gym!
*sigh* Kobe lost man…No pre-nup = No bueno. And this is coming from a woman who is #ALLAntiCheatingEverything
On the bright side, Kobe droppin 40 on em like a 25 yr old, and averaging the most points per game in the league…
I feel you. Here's my question, though. Is she divorcing him over cheating? Didn't he already cheat when he was a suspect in that rape case? I mean, thankfully he didn't RAPE her, but he did admit to sleeping with her with consent, right?
We'll never know. But I've had this conversation tooo much lately, and at the end of the day, I don't that's a valid argument. Maybe the first time, she was like, aite, I'ma give this nigga a second chance–everybody makes mistakes. But after a pattern of cheating, that's completely different. At some point, enough is enough.
But I mean really, I hope the sex was worth it. He pretty much handed the money to her.
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What I notice many not realizing is that there is a double standard but not from the world, it is simply in how the mind of a man & a woman operates innately. Men have an innate drive to spread their seed in order to continue their legacy, you see this in all creatures & it is why you see different species having 1-2 males to a group of 8-15 females. He is capable of having children with each of them all at once, but the female is not capable of having babies by several men at once. While pregnant she cannot get pregnant again & therefore she is not chemically balanced for the behavior to mass procreate.
It isn't about whether you can see the view but just find that he isn't respecting you by doing this, women of the human species are literally trying to re-code how a man works naturally & it is the only species to do such a thing.
You could have the best sex in the world, & he will love you even more for it, but you are still only 1 woman & you will never be uncharted conquest. You cannot satisfy an innate desire to simply leave part of you behind! That is literally a programming design of men & only through you basically keeping our sexual appetite constantly in check can you keep that part of us in check.
When we do our little casual flirting when out & about, majority would act if given the invitation….. because the simple fact that thoughts of her crossed our mind shows that the desire was not completely satisfied by you.
So women are not chemically balanced for the behavior to mass procreate? What about women who follow the Quiverfull lifestyle? And the men who actually remain faithful to their partners and spouses without instances of cheating at all? Are they chemically imbalanced, as well?
See i'm a man and all and I should stand beside you, but I just done watched some NatGeo. Women ain't monogamous in nature either. You think those females whales get pregnant by the same dude every mating season? Nope. Even in the pride, lionesses sleep with all the men. Women just want to be taken care of, and it's about self-preservation. So trust me, women could cheat just as easily, in fact, they could LEAVE you as soon as they find a better option. They got self-control, so men got to have self-control too.
” They got self-control, so men got to have self-control too.”
Exactly!! There’s always going to be better out there but it doesn’t mean you need to act on it.
I'm sorry, I am completely flabbergasted! Don't take this the wrong way, but I never would've guessed you'd take this position on this topic. You typically take the prototypical man's man's stance. Nonetheless You raise one of the most important aspects of this whole discussion. The presence or lack there of self-control. Bra- Vo!
"So trust me, women could cheat just as easily, in fact, they could LEAVE you as soon as they find a better option. They got self-control, so men got to have self-control too."
Loooove that comment Dr. J.
If you want this privelege, you need to grant me the same. If you don't have the chutzpah to tell me about it just beat your meat like the rest of us.
You've got meat to beat?
Girl meat bro!
Stir your tuna?
OMG. I typed that for all the world to see, LOL.
Crass moment: I just got this vision that you probably give a mean handjob.
Real moment: You just got to be prepared for a dude to say okay. It's 2012, open relationships are winning out here.
"You just got to be prepared for a dude to say okay. It's 2012, open relationships are winning out here."
And best be prepared to hear the same. If he can deal, I can deal.
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that's my entire opinion on this matter. a man can't handle half of what he proposes women accept. it's quite funny.
i told the boo he can cheat as long as i can. lol. he didn't like that. especially being that a woman can get (quality) outside sex far before a man can.
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I'm pretty sure any decent looking woman will have dudes lined up at the door, down the hall, down the street, & round many corners. Men? Not so much, lol…
Ladies would then be #winning, LOL… (not that I support any of this…I'm just saying, lol)
My recent post Paradigm Shift: I Will Not Be Silenced
I see this thread, and I'm a lead yall finish, but let's keep it real. Most men OR women are not REALLY about that "if you can cheat, I can cheat life." Let's just be honest. People are naturally selfish – in terms of self preservation. Most people – if they are going to cheat – are not going to have the common courtesy to tell you because they 1) dont want you cheating too 2) likely think they want to get caught 3) are selfish (or jealous or posessive). Put another way, a lot more people are in "open relationships" than realize they are in open relationships…you just haven't been told…and this is by no means limited to sexual infidelity, which is why I've carefully classified the two as "emotional and physical" today.
I'm just sayin…
*exits stage right*
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This is why I told Dr. J I'm torn on the issue. I have been attracted to other people before so I know the feeling of not being able to satisfy that curiosity and I won't vilify anybody else who has been there but if I came to my husband and told him I'm attracted to somebody else and would like to sleep with him and my husband just gave me his permission, I'd feel a little devalued. I want him to want me all to himself. I'm special dammit. But we're adults and I've said before that even though I try, I will not be able to fulfill every need and want my husband has so I can understand his urge to step out but because I've built myself as a very open and understanding wife, I'd hope he'd know he can come to me about it. And like MissMina said, I'd at least like to have the opportunity to step my game up. I'm not sure how well I'd respond to it but he should know to approach me about it when I'm in a good mood.
But I am capable.
And I have the relationship experiences to prove it.
*exits stage left*
My recent post Paradigm Shift: I Will Not Be Silenced
I've never agreed with the sentiment that men are "hardwired" to spread their seed. And even if their was a biological impetus to do so, you're not a normal animal. You can reason at a higher level and predict the possible consequences that come along with doing so within the confines of a monogamous relationship. A person who cheats (generally) should own their choices without making excuses for it.
"You can reason at a higher level and predict the possible consequences that come along with doing so within the confines of a monogamous relationship."
Boom. There it is. People are hardwired to do a number of things, and we all have impulses, but since we can reason on a higher level we should be able to act on such reasoning. Well said sir.
I am so sick & tired of people trying to make cheating “okay” and justified. If the only way a man can be happy is to cheat, then he needs to not be in a relationship. Instead, he should remain single and just have a community penis. This article just made my blood boil a little. Ugh!
First thought…..if this man is a doctor than degrees are apparently being given away in cereal boxes.
Second thought…….I want to know if this doctor would be comfortable with the knowledge that his wife was currently laid up with the cock of some fat hairy nigga throbbing inside her. Because if he can’t condone the idea if HIS woman balancing on another mans beam then everything he wrote is BS.
And im willing to bet cash that there is no way he, nor probably any man here, is going to be okay with another man dicking his woman down…….for any reason; emotional need, physical desire, whatever.
I think you thinking about it the wrong way dude. First of all, don't ever think about another man's d*ck. Remove the possibility that they exist from your mind. That's like walking up to Mr. Marcus and saying, "Hey you mind if I get a picture?" Everybody knows the extent of how you know him and that's odd. Second, most women don't cheat down, only men do that. Chances are the dude that's banging your wife is better looking than you, or better off than you.
If you think women don’t cheat and that only men do then you are truly naive. You need to wake up. Open your eyes and take a better look at the world. Women do most definitely cheat. Maybe not as much as men do but they definitely do it. But even to say that isnt 100% because truth is they are better at not getting caught.
Matter of fact in most cases women are more sexual then us men. They just play their hands better. Its like a Poker game and us men have our cards face up and flat on the table wondering why we can win the bluff.
Correction…..”can’t win the bluff”
And worrying about another mans dick or whether he looks better is completely besides the point. You completely missed what I was saying. My point is no one can’t rationalize the idea that’s its okay for a man to cheat but his gf/spouse can’t without first admitting they are full of hypocritical bulls***.
Did you read what I wrote? You just ran up in the room swinging and nobody know what you talking about. Reread what I wrote and then explain how your reply makes any sense.
I made the initial comment to which you replied. Your reply did not address what I was saying. Thats what i was saying in my reply to you. Worrying about another man was never the point. The point is you cannot justify actions that you would be opposed to if your material committed them. That the “Its okay/understandable if I do it but if my girl does….hell no” mentality is bull.
Very simple point Im making. No swinging or anything.
I said you were thinking about it the wrong way. Your entire comment was based around another man. That was why my reply addressed the way you were thinking. Your reply was about, lord knows. But my original comment was talking about your line of thinking.
In golf we say, "pick it up."
Let's move on now.
YOP … From the first word to the last.
Kind of the nature of a blog. Someone posts their thoughts and people reply with their opinions.
“And im willing to bet cash that there is no way he, nor probably any man here, is going to be okay with another man dicking his woman down…….for any reason; emotional need, physical desire, whatever.”
LOL @ your first thought.
MY first thought: We need more WOMEN in the science field if we want these ridiculous studies to cease.
Not only would they not cease, but you would also get more frustrated because some women will be even more adamant about similar matters. We're not all on the same page.
"We're not all on the same page."
That's for sure. Some of us aren't even in the same book if these comments have anything to say about it. Still think we need more women in science. 🙂
First thought… naw.
Second thought… you right, that would make him a hypocrite.
Last paragraph… eh. IDK about that. I'm not going to speak for what another man or woman is doing in their relationship. Open relationships clearly exist or we wouldnt be having this conversation. If it works for them and they're happy, I'm happy for them. They aint me. Lastly, let's not pretend cheating doesnt occur because that would be ridiculous…let's just say most people arent comfortable being THAT honest with one another. Men lie. Women lie. Such is life…
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I dont know why some people feel the need to lie. If you REALLY love and trust your spouse, then you can.be honest about your desires. If you can’t, then you dont. If you dont, then maybe you shouldnt be married. Just saying
It really doesn't work that way. Otherwise, men who successfully avoided cheating would run home to their wives yelling "Guess what, honey?! I saw this super fine chick and pictured her in 20 different positions within the span of 15 seconds, and my lil soldier stood alert and at attention…….until I remembered that you would rid me of my jewels if I didn't get my mind right. Luh you, boo. *Smooch*"
Loving and trusting one's spouse does nothing to facilitate exposing desires for extramarital affairs unless both parties tend to be open to experimentation.
What you described was a passing fantasy, not an actual desire to act on it. No need to admit to dirty thoughts (unless your Catholic). But thoughts do not equal desires. For instance, I've had a few impure thoughts about Morris Chestnut. But I don't actually desire to be with him in real life because in real life, he has a wife and kids and is significantly older than me.
Fantasies arise from desires. Lust (towards people we interact with), no matter how temporal, is based on desire. My example was making light of the situation, but my point is that even if it were a well-established desire, love and trust will not make it easier to disclose to your partner. That you cannot or do not tell your partner that you have been harbouring such thoughts does not mean that you do not love or trust them. It simply means that you fear the repercussions.
For women who want monogamous relationships, it would be a lot easier if these type of men just not get married and not enter monogamous relationships in the first place. Why does the woman have to change her beliefs, wants and desires but the men can’t? Why suppress yourself or on the other hand make the person you’re with feel disrespected, unhappy or less than? Just avoid that altogether.
To be honest, I respect a man who tells you upfront “I’m not ready for a relationship” or “I don’t believe in monogamy”. When a man tells you this it gives you a choice before ish hits the fan.
"Why does the woman have to change her beliefs, wants and desires but the men can't?"
I think u have that wrong. Men haven't changed; Ya want us to change
but we can't. The women have changed, but we don't want ya to change. Go back to the days where women were okay with the husband having many.
Ok Top, let's go back to those days shall we…
You also have to take care of those many and those many babies that will come.
That's super strange when most of the brothers today don't even want to share a sandwich let alone give his entire paycheck over to his wives. Picture this…all your hard word goes to your families…you gets nothing unless your the man in Big Love with big money. Not only that, imagine dealing with 'women' issues TIMES 4…lol. Yeah all that. lol.
It sounds good until you look at the WHOLE picture huh? Don't just say the part that sounds like its in your favor—speak ALL the truth.
I think the cats with lesser bread had lesser wives. But trust there was some satisfaction derived out of said situation. I think the men enjoyed the situation. I think the women wanted more tho, thus bringing us up to today. And yeah, i'd give my money to my family if i didn't have to worry about my wife spending it on a new expensive azz bag/purse. Once the family starts, my investments go into the family. I have no problem with that. I'd rather keep the money in house than anything. But at the same time I wouldn't be having kids on kids on kids either.
How about the cats with lesser bread had no or one wife. The women flocked to the men with money, power and status. Not guys that could not take care of them….including buying expensive bags and what nots. Monogamy is really for the men of today. It's less responsibility.
If you have four wives, explain how you will stop each of them them from wanting children. You may have 12 children or more.
What about having to deal with 4 women everyday all day….I think you didn't comment on that part of my comment, perhaps on purpose.
"If you have four wives, explain how you will stop each of them them from wanting children. You may have 12 children or more."
"What about having to deal with 4 women everyday all day….I think you didn't comment on that part of my comment, perhaps on purpose."
First, it wouldn't be all day. I don't have time. Secondly, I rule over my house, so those women problems would be circumvented.
But all in all, i'm being a bit facetious because no way in hell can a woman revert back to the days of dependency.
With that being said, of course I know why women are they way they are and why monogamy is the only way for a marriage to remain unhinged, personal and sacred. But i also understand the premise of this article and so do ya and if you don't accept it. I understand and don't blame you. Because through all the BS, i want to be with a woman and not want to be with any other woman. Hopefully, i one day come across said woman.
And this is why you need to be careful who you settle down with, ladies. Thinking you got a man who believes in marriage and not realizes he believes in marriage MANY, and he'll rule his house with an iron fist so he doesn't have to "deal" with you too much, and he'll deny you children. Choose wisely and discuss your feelings on the issue well beforehand.
Re-read the last 2 paragraphs in case u missed it. I don't necessarily agree with the idea of a non-monogamous marriage, but i do understand the study and the struggle behind it.
1.) You might not do the things you typed, but others will, and thus the warning is still valid.
2.) The study is unscientific and a hack job at attempting to justify infidelity, or make it more widespread.
3.) I don't find monogamy to be a struggle, and attempt to deal with men who don't think it's a struggle either (even if it's after they've struggled with it in the PAST), so I don't validate the scientist's struggle either.
2.) I'm not thinking about that study. I haven't mentioned it once.
3.) That isn't surprising. Monogamy itself is a struggle for men. Some hide/supress it better than others. Don't think u've found a unicorn.
EVERYONE is attracted to multiple people at once. NOT EVERYONE is tempted to act on that attraction while in a committed relationship. Nothing unicorn about it. I just know for a fact that not all men/women cheat.
The whole point of polygamy is/was to have MORE children to help out on the farm, at home, etc. It wasn't for more s3x. Plus it is a status thing, the more wives and kids you had, the wealthier you had to have been. My mom's dad had 6 wives, concubines and had 40 some odd kids when he died. Her brother had 4 wives and 20 some odd kids. It's ridiculous how in their 80's these men had kids they had to put through grade school. AND THERE IS A LOT OF DRAMA in their house. The only positives are having loads of siblings, communal living… Fun from what my mom said…
Trust, most men today can't handle ALL o dat…
In the times you speak of where men had 4 or 5 wives, they did not sleep in the same tent or house. Husbands slept in their own quarters and only dealt with the wife as he chose. Relationship expectations have changed. There was a time just 40 years ago where men worked and took care of the household expenses while the woman took care the household duties. As more and more women began going to college and earning higher degrees and entering the work force at middle to high wages, women began seeking the same equality in the home that they were experiencing in the work place. I hear women hold the love and marriage of older people and grandparents as the shining example of what a relationship and commitment should look like. Not realizing that if you ever asked your grandparents you will discover a whopping majority had relations outside their union. It was just the way it was. And that is the way it will always be. here is the irony of this whole conversation. If very attractive and affluent men where prone to unfaithfulness and men of a lower caliber in all categories were more faithful…..would women choose the lower caliber male? If no and I suspect the answer is no….then your out cry is mute.
"Why does the woman have to change her beliefs, wants and desires but the men can't?"
Well it's not that the woman HAS to change them…it's that more than likely she WILL…you know, in favor of the relationship…because women are great accommodators…sort of like emotional martyrs…forever down for that great and noble cause of keeping the relationship in tact no matter what LOL!!! I don't mean that to be sexist but it's true.
We need to be more selfish like men, maybe we would be just as happy. Forget if cheating with a nother man will hurt our relationship its what I need..hmm welp
Oh and I am just as "selfish"…but really you know it's not that you need to be selfish..it's just that you have to find the bravery to honor your feelings. Sometimes women feel guilty for putting themselves first…they forget that they have choices (not just in men, I mean in general).
+1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 … I ran out of zeros 🙁
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Standing Ovation…..modern thinking women do exisit…who knew. I thought Naija was the only one!!!!
lol! I found this hilarious for some reason.
@Urban….you are so right!
I totally believe that monogamy is not natural that left to our own scruples most people won't do it, but from a religious standpoint committment to one person is divine. This is why for a marriage to work it has to be rooted in God because he is the only one that can make a man and a woman deny their flesh and keep their promise to one another. I think people have to realize their are lot of things that are not natural but happen everyday, according to science a bee is too fat to fly because his small wings can't support his body yet he does. It is unnatural for humans to swim to the depths of the ocean or to soar in the sky like the birds but we do it everyday. I think people mistake natural with possible, is it natural it cheat yes, but is is possible not to, yes.
Solomon had helly wives doe and he was the wisest of them all. How can one not look up to him.
lol that was when it was just about procreation. men had many wives to up the chances of having children, and only rich very rich men had many wives. Also remember all these women were his wife not a wife a mistress another mistress. Most men now a days can't handle dealing with one wife and yall want 5 that you have to cater too.
sidenote didnt a few men in the bible give up their many wives and stick with one to build their relationship with God or something like that.
Not entirely sure on that, but don't get it twisted … Cats didn't only have wives now, they had additional moves too. Your claim is inaccurate.
maybe but they werent free moves..the hush money was real back in those days. i said wives b/c you used Solomon. How many of you are willing to have another women and fund her lifestyle to keep the peace in your home?
Happens Everyday B.
No sir, you may need to re read the Old Testament for Biblical clarity. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Concubines are equivalent to one night stands. And in Old Testament times, once you had sex with a woman you were obligated to care for her provision for life. 2nd Solomon procured those wives during trades and land and diplomatic negotiations. Women were chattle (property) in Old Testament times. Solomon had One son and possibly another with Queen of Sheba and two daughters. You are using a 21st century mindset to discuss ancient motives. Go and do your homework before you spout erroneous information
300 concubines = additional moves.
"Solomon had many wives i see many thighs, stab meat like knives, I'm trink by ya chinky eyes…"
never miss an opportunity to quote the god…
I hate that I've been in training at my job and haven't been able to get on during the day like I used to ……daaaamn daaaaamn daaaaamn.
At any rate, Top5DOA what folks don't realize is that God allowed and encouraged man to have many wives in the beginning of time for the sole purpose of populating the earth. Read some other scriptures and you will see that God and Christ and the Apostles and profits in the New Testament after the earth was pretty heavily populated, preached monogamy and One Man for One Woman.
Not true. In the New Testament the only teachings of marriage came from the Apostle Paul and Jesus. Both preached celibacy. Paul thought the idea of getting married was for the weak. Paul rejected the notion of needing to marry. It was in 338 A.D. that constaine the emperor of the roman republic created the idea of the nobles having one wife to distinguish themselves from the commoner. Most of what most people believe about the New Testament of the Bible was create 200 plus years after Jesus ascension. So there is not a single reference to marrying one wife in all of the old testament. as a matter of fact. every noted biblical figure had more than one wife. Adam,Abraham, Judah, Jacob, Hannah's Husband (samuel's mom) King David, Solomon etc. The prophets were single and the other men had multiples
There are scriptures that are quoted as God saying "one man for one woman"…..ie one man having one wife….or so it is understood.
I was waiting.
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Thanks Lettie. Great comment/perspective.
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1. Is this premise also used to justify women cheating? Why and why not.
2. Does this transcend to marriage?
My thoughts? The decision to commit to a relationship comes from both parties. If anyone doesn’t agree to any of the terms to which they are commiting to you must kindly tap yourself out. What baffles me with men’s theories on honesty is that what most of you fail to realize is that if you ask you might get what you want.there are many women willing to be with a man while he sleeps around. Can I say babymoma drama! An open relationship is merely another term for “friends with benefits” and how many of us haven’t had those! Yea I thought so.
My .08 cents have been contributed.
If you read the original article WIS linked, you'll catch a glimpse of discussion about it carrying over to women… basically saying it goes for both.
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so no one noticed that he did his study based on 120 UNDERGRADS? the time and period where monogamy is almost like a curse word? i want to know where son go his degree from. just because you have a title in front of your name doesn't mean that you're an expert at something. *shrug*
i think once you enter a committed relationship and you agree to be monogamous then you should honor that agreement. you are only as good as your word. like you said its selfish to try to deceive in that manner. don't wanna be monogamous then don't get into that type of relationship. period.
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madscientist7: "so no one noticed that he did his study based on 120 UNDERGRADS? the time and period where monogamy is almost like a curse word? i want to know where son go his degree from. just because you have a title in front of your name doesn't mean that you're an expert at something."
I was just going to say the same thing. This was really based on men in their early twenties? That's like concluding Old Country Buffet is the best restaurant in the country based on a survey of senior citizens.
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Yeah, I noticed when WIM first linked the article on Twitter last week and mentioned it then on there. But hey, who wants to pay attention to minor details like that? (sarcasm) lol.
I definitely noticed that, and almost stopped reading after I saw it, lol. Yeah, undergrad is not a mecca of monogamy. He may want to conduct another study…
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*eating popcorn reading comments*
Truthfully speaking, we as men have a strong double standard here. Most men feel sex outside their relationship is just that, sex! But if our better halves do that shit we GO OFF, simply because we feel as though women (good women at least) attach feelings to the act and that’s what we can’t handle. It’s a hard truth we fail to admit.
Glad to hear im not the only person willing to admit that. Id even add that we feel a woman should want for and be loyal only to us. We can’t handle the thought of having to share. I have no problem admitting I can’t.
I'll start off by saying, I want a house with a white picket fence, children, a beautiful, complementary wife
and a mistress … My bad.
The religious argument doesn't work here. The evolution of human beings mindset in terms of monogamy doesn't work here, because men are continuing to fail and low key women are quietly failing also. The # of cheating partners or partners who have cheated (at least once) is definitely evening out.
I think the Doctor is effectively explaining why women shouldn't get all bent out of shape with the natural inclination of a man's psyche in relation to physical displacement. It's clear marriage these days isn't working. Why? Guys are womanizers, every single last one of them (unless they're gay). Women become complacent inside marriage and kinda be on some fcuk sh*t just because (decreased intimacy, mental compartmentalizing, etc.).
So since all this is on the decline, it's pretty obvious something needs to change? Ladies, what say you? How bout ya just revert back to the olden days why dont you? 🙂 Please!
"Women become complacent inside marriage and kinda be on some fcuk sh*t just because (decreased intimacy, mental compartmentalizing, etc.). "
Men are just as bad if not worse in this department. Men sex drives peak around 35 40, you know how many married/taken women wish their man would take them out and treat them like they did before they got together, men close up too and get set in their ways so it's not just us. Being married or in a relationship is work, you are working to build with your partner, if you no longer want to do that then cool bounce and be single and sleeping with whoevere,whenever, where ever.
I agree with guys being complacent as well, but we ain't talkin bout us in this scenario. Lol.
"if you no longer want to do that then cool bounce and be single and sleeping with whoevere,whenever, where ever."
If only it were that easy.
"I want a house with a white picket fence, children, a beautiful, complementary wife" = HAVING cake.
"and a mistress …" = EATING cake.
So…men who are not womanizers are gay?…Good to know…
And all women become complacent in marriage? #WhohurtYou? LoL
Sorry to hear you think so negatively about marriage though. To me, marriage is what you make it…
By your photo – and your "reasoning" & language- I think you're a continental African. Many of us from the rest of the world know HOW LITTLE REGARD so many, many continental African men HAVE for women & girls. Many of us who have lived in Africa have seen this BLACK **MISOGYNY** CLOSE-UP & DAILY– IN AFRICA. Also the unbelievable levels of homophobia: "Guys are womanizers, every single last one of them (UNLESS THEY'RE GAY)."
Remember: Respect. Friendship. Trust. AND HIV/AIDS. Many continental Africans are EXPERTS on HIV & AIDS. Transmitting it, and HATING ON people who already have it. (In AFRICA, sadly, shockingly, this includes ENORMOUS numbers of children/orphans.)
You other Black folks can aspire to GO BACKWARDS if you want to…
The choices absolutely are YOURS.
This is why I promote polygamy. For the men and women that think this way–at least it would be FAIR! No cheating needed, no deception, no harm done. The Man would just need to be able to take care of all his wives financially, emotionally and mentally EQUALLY. Sounds easy right?
For the men that agree that its just in a man's nature to have recreational sex with other women: Cheating is a cheap, selfish way of doing this. There will be hurt feelings unless you buy it and even then the price is too high. Jump-offs have feelings too even if you only call them jump-off (tool) instead of their name.
Sex is talked about as if there are not TWO people involved. It is not just a man/woman getting his/her rocks off with no consequences. There will be a consequence—unless you don't think what you do on this earth matters.
Is the key to a successful relationship, like that of the Army preluding the presidency of Barack Obama, simply necessitate the implementation of a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy? NO.
Is emotional cheating (on-going affair) and physical cheating (recreational sex/flings) equivalent? YES.
Is cheating cheating regardless of the means of application? YES.
Assuming you would never find out, do you still want to know if your partner was unfaithful whether it be physically or emotionally? NOT SURE.
Has it become unreasonable to expect men (or women) of our generation to remain monogamous? No, only if you believe evil trumps over good. I know that righteousness will prevail so I know there is a man out there that will utilize self-control as they expect me to.
I'm glad I went to read the whole article because initially the only thing throwing me off was all the language about it being something MEN need, instead of something PEOPLE need.
I actually pretty much agree with the article/post.
-I think monogamy is unrealistic and unreasonable, but certainly not impossible or undesirable.
-If my partner cheats once and doesn't again, he should probably keep that info to himself, forever. If you cheat more than once/want to continually do so? Tell me so we can rearrange our situation… and if we stay together I'd want to hear about/know all the sexual conquests… because other wise it becomes secretive (unacceptable) and plus it'd turn me on (win).
-Emotional cheating vs physical cheating… hmmm depends… if you can have emotionally fulfilling relationships with more than one person at a time and I don't feel at all slighted? Meh. But physical invites a level of safety risk that makes a huge difference.
Of course the biggest problem is that a lot of men want this sexually free lifestyle, but don't want the woman to have the same, lmfao. Pity. Cause if they could get over it, it might just be beautiful for everyone.
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Chunk I am pretty much agreeing with you so instead of reiterating it later on Imma just co-sign.
I am on team if you can I can. I can live with you needing or wanting to sleep with this or that cutie just as long as thats a two way street. One offs keep to your self. Regulars I need to meet. Your last paragraph is the real struggle.
They don't hear us though, lol. I always think what I said makes sense when it's silent afterwards! lol
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I agree chunk. To clarify (for you and others), I tailored this post towards men because this is a woman dominated blog. If this blog was dominated by men, honestly, I would have framed it towards cheating women. In the past I have noticed posts – even if they can apply to men or women – that are geared towards women don't receive the same amount of attention. I have my theories on this but that's not important.
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Yeah I hear you, I know what you mean… that's why I made sure to read the article you linked- I figure you link-out for a reason and obviously aren't going to quote the whole dayum thing!
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" Is emotional cheating (on-going affair) and physical cheating (recreational sex/flings) equivalent?"
Yes, Yes it is!!!! I'm sorry as a woman I am wired so that I may put up with many things in a relationship but CHEATING is NOT ONE OF THEM, and I live by the "An Eye for An Eye" code so in my case cheating will eventually lead to someone catching a body, more likely HIM because we all know that double standard, men will creep and expect US to forgive and forget but let his woman slide off and it's ARMAGEDDON. *shrug*
Assuming you would never find out, do you still want to know if your partner was unfaithful whether it be physically or emotionally? — Yes I would want to know. I wouldn't want to be in the dark about something like this especially if his boys and whomever they decided to tell already know, but yet here I am walking around in ignorant bliss. I think THAT IS THE WORST Feeling in the world.
I know I’m tardy to the party, but cosign…my man caught me cheating andy side piece nearly lost his life that day. I’ve not heard from or seen him since my man found out. We are still together and it’s a struggle, but we are committed to doing better by and for each other.
"Has it become unreasonable to expect men (or women) of our generation to remain monogamous?"
No it has not become unreasonable to expect a man or woman not to cheat, we all have the power to reel ourselves in and do what's right, that is why I don't buy that ole "I couldn't help it/I Slipped BS" Fcuk that, you had a choice and you chose the wrong one willingly.
"Fcuk that, you had a choice and you chose the wrong one willingly."
I'm currently having a sexual relationship with a man that is in a relationship with another woman. I know he doesn't have any emotional attachment to me, it just physical. He loves her and I have accepted that. I have been on the flip side(the girlfriend), found out he was cheating, and bounced(sometimes). Unfortunately, I've have to do that more times than I care to remember. No that I am over thirty, still single with no prospects for marriage or children, I wish I would have reconsidered ending the relationships.
If I were to get into a relationship now, I think I would allow him to have his dalliances, as long as he was safe and respectful of our home. I know I am the EXTREME minority on this one, but as you get older sometimes priorities change….
Theres nothing wrong with being in the minority if thats where you want to be. If thats cool with you then fine. But dont except a man cheating beacuse you feel thats all you can find. Theres men who will cheat and theres men who wont. If you are cool with dealing with the ones that will thats fine just dont settle beacuse you feel your running out of time .
Trust me when I say, its the best I can do. In a perfect world, I would love to have this man call me to check on me and see how my day went, instead of telling me he is on his way and be naked when he gets there. My reality is that I not destined to be one of those women who get married and have children. I'm the woman that the man uses before he finds his wife.
Wow Gia. If you don't mind me asking, why do you think you can't do better if that's what you want?
It's amazing to me how women put and keep ourselves down.
A year ago, I was coming out of a "relationship" wherein I was cheated on, not communicated with, promises weren't kept, attention wasn't paid, sex was withheld, etc. Sadly, the end didn't come until I was put in a situation where I got to see the "other woman". Beholding the level of woman that I'd been put aside for made me sit up and pay attention. I have no problem tooting my own horn when need be, and Lord God, did I toot it. I'm prettier, equally good body, smarter, funnier, more interesting, have a better job, real hair… The only thing I couldn't measure was the sex. And in discussion afterward, I was told that she was not any better at that than me.
The problem wasn't in me. It was in him. He's a believer in the whole idea presented in the article referenced above. He believed that cheating is his right in life because of the biological imperative to spread his seed.
I disagree. So I left. I moved on. And yes, it was difficult. I had to take a look at myself and what I was worthy of in terms on a man. I had to look at where I needed to compromise versus where I needed to stand firm. I've since been dating pretty steadily, with great prospects.
You, my girl, need to recognize your own worth. Until you can toot your horn with pride, others will run right over you. These men who cheated on you and went on the marry the side-chick will probably end up cheating on their wives as well. Behavioral patterns don't tend to change easily. Work on you. And then, you can work on finding your partner.
Cosign on all dat rhenewal….
"If I were to get into a relationship now, I think I would allow him to have his dalliances, as long as he was safe and respectful of our home…"
If you add: AND I WAS ALSO HAVING MINE.
I'd cosign, lol!
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At the point they would be swingers and should just jump into the lifestyle. Because that’s exactly what it is.
Hmmm not exactly… swinging is usually something couples do together with other couples, or as a couple with a group of mixed singles/couples… in any case it's not usually one spouse sleeping with someone else on the side… I agree with swinging, but that's not what I was talking about.
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Swingers and having an Open Relationship is not the same.
Read my post reply when its approved I hope it helps to share what I hope s really the reasons choices made are as they are.
Gia there is more out there. I promise you that. Figure out what you want first and then go from there. It doesn't matter that you may only get hit on every now and then that does not mean that those guys are your only options. I am saying this from experience. I used to feel similar to you and I kept unreliable men in my life and then one day things got so bad I looked in the mirror and said I would rather be alone than keep a man that makes me feel bad about myself. And I decided that if a guy couldn't hit the bare minimum such as doing what he saying he gone do, treating me with respect, taking me out then he wasn't worth my time. And my dating life has been been like nite and day ever since. You have to be able to say no. I promise guys respect you more for it. The ones that don't can go kick rocks anyway. Also make sure you expanding your horizons. There are Meetup groups where I have met wonderful people, internet dating is viable and real option. Its too early in the game to throw down your card. It's time to strap up your boots and make real changes. I wish you the best of luck girl.
Why are you dating a man with a girlfriend? Especially if you have a problem with your single status? This relationship is no only going nowhere, but hurting people in the process.
Well he is the only man showing any interest in me, plus although I don't like being single, I can't change my status. He fills a void when he is able to come around. No man sees me as wife material; I'm the stepping stone to the wife. I've accepted that as my role.
As far as hurting her, she doesn't know anything about us sleeping together and even if she did, she knows she has his heart. He spoils her to death–she's not leaving him. I'm not saying anything and he surely is not. It's a victim- less crime.
"It's a victim- less crime." I see two victims. You and the woman who thinks her man is all that and a bag of chips but is sleeping with other women. I would love to have more sympathy for you in this situation, but I have no respect or positive feelings towards any parties in a cheating scenario. You need to stop what you're doing, for everyone's sake. The man you're dealing with is also a creep, because he's a liar and he's manipulating TWO women, and capitalizing on your low self-esteem, which I'm sure is obvious, based on how obvious it is in these comments.
I've read the rest of others' comments to you and your responses and you clearly have a self-esteem issue. I put up with much worse in my last official relationship and only was able to come out when I got in shape, got a new job, started going to church and realized that other people found me worthwhile, even if my dude didn't, so maybe HE was the problem and not me. You have to start making a change if you want things to change. Try praying, or getting counseling, or something. But you know what you're doing is wrong and doing the WRONG thing is NEVER going to get you the RIGHT results. Sorry.
reading your comments are making me sad Gia. there just seems to be so much wrong in this situation. i just don't think that sleeping with a man who has a gf, with you having been the cheated-on gf before, is the best way to go about things. why is it that you feel so defeated? you seem to have a lot going for you and women with MUCH less quality attributes have loving, doting, FAITHFUL men in their lives. the one thing they do have is confidence. i don't know what it will take for you to reach that place where you realize you don't have to play second to any woman, but allowing a man to take advantage of your acceptance that you HAVE to be a "side chick" is not going to increase your self-worth in any way. you have to see the amazing woman in yourself before you can expect anyone else to. and when you do, trust that men will come.
you say you don't get approached often, have you ever tried online dating? maybe getting to know a man beforehand and building some kind of bond? i just… i just truly believe that being the woman a man is cheating with will only do more permanent harm than temporary good.
i hope you really think about what people are saying today because it hurts my heart to see a woman truly feeling like this. *hugs*
My recent post two sweaty dollars
I am reading everything people are posting and I really appreciate the encouraging words.I've tried online dating, speed dating, single ministries, blind dates, etc with little to no interest from the guys. I've tried everything to meet someone of my own, but nothing has worked. So I can either be alone all the time or enjoy his company when he's available. It's not ideal, but it's all I got. I wish I had you ladies mindset; you all are so together…
I'm not sure what worked for the other SBM ladies…
But, as for me and my journey, I have NEVER found a man when I was looking. I was always busy, going about my business…not even thinking about a man…when a good man found me. No man wants a desperate woman who just wants a man. Men want to gain the interest of a woman who, after he's worked to get her complete attention, wants HIM. I could be wrong, but for all you've said you tried, you probably only did those things in hopes that they'd help you get a man instead of doing them to fix whatevers broken in you so you can be happy with you, man or no man. The latter prob would've brought you better results.
I agree with this, and was about to say something similar. Gia, your focus needs to be on you first, and finding a man can occupy a place further down the list. Desperation easily permeates behaviour, and people are generally not attracted to neediness.
I noticed that you made a lot of assumptions without much information to go on. You've already assumed that I and other women who have addressed you are better looking, smarter, and are in much better dating situations than you are. All you see are tiny images and words that don't necessarily tell you much. To be frank with you, I'm not currently dating (nor have I in awhile) because I have "exes" who are still attracted to me but unable to provide the stability that I need, and others who are interested in something just shy of a relationship because they have professional or other goals on their mind right now. I could easily sing the tune of "no one serious [that I want] wants me and I might as well sign up for less than what I deserve." The difference is that I'm content in my solitude and will not sell myself short. You're finishing at the start line with the attitude you're displaying. You truly need to start loving yourself.
It's no secret around here that I've been in a similar situationship, so I couldn't even begin to judge you there. I can only reiterate what everyone else on here has said about building your self-confidence. However, if you feel like you need to talk to someone who knows all to well where you're coming from you can email me as well at firstname.lastname@example.org.
You may be the minority but…. i am in the exact same boat as you so dont think its too off the wall to think like that… there are prob many more women who think like that too and just dont admit it…..and I get tired of hearing "low self esteem" no value for your self ect ect…. it has nothing to do with that…. its just accepting the facts of life not all men cheat true but more than dont do period… I have seen it and been through it a millions more times than I have seen truely good men……
Kobe got what he deserved, point blank period. If you dont want all the drama then dont get married, ie George Clooney – Derek Jeter
That's how I feel about it . *RollsEyes*
Agree 100%. Dont get married.
Dayum … I feel like i just tuned into a Lifetime episode. Despite you being over 30 and what-not, the well hasn't run dry just yet. Sh*t, i'm 26 and have definitely found women 30+ not only attractive, but also mate-worthy. It's pretty easy to get down on yourself and give up hope, but self-confidence/esteem is derived from within. Do whatever you gotta do to get back on your own squadron. Get a make-over, work-out for real for real, volunteer in the community, do some artsy/hobby-ish type stuff, whatever. Not only will you gain a more sense of self, but you're also opening yourself up to a more favorable overall situation.
I'm no counselor and Lord knows I have my own self-worth issues but you don't have to settle for this if you don't want to. You have to decide what you want in a relationship and make it clear and put your foot down. If he leaves, that's his own loss. Next, you can't define yourself by what men or anybody else thinks of you. You have to develop your own opinion about yourself and leave your house with confidence knowing you'll get no less than what you need or want. You don't have to be a side chick if you don't want to be, Suga. Just know your worth and if you feel like you're worth more than this just stop because as long as you're stooping to this level, you won't recieve any better. You've been tying up your time with a dude that has made it clear that you're not his priority. The time could be better spent developing yourself by getting to the root of your mindframe towards this. You won't find the right guy as long as the wrong guy is making you lose focus. I wish I knew what else to say but I don't. Just know you don't have to settle for this. *Here's a hug though.*
OMG Gia this saddens me that you think so poorly of yourself. As others have stated, the first step is to change this attitude and understand you're worth everything you want. Are you religious? If so turn to that, or turn to whatever positive influences you have in your life, friends, family, etc. Just don't give up.
*sidebar* Shouts to the SBM fam all coming to her aid like this! There really wasn't anything else for me to add! Its really heart-warming to see all of the encouragement being offered, when it could have easily gone left and turned into judgment. Cheers to Compassion!!!
Was I being mushy? Sorry lol.
Not too mushy! I like mush! lol
Me too! 🙂 Thanks Krystl!
“You won’t find the right guy as long as the wrong guy is making you lose focus.”
Gia, you have unfortunately set yourself up by walking around with a defeatist attitude. You may currently feel as though time is working against you, but you need to take some of it to develop your sense of self-worth and attack your feelings of loneliness. Build up your self-sufficiency so that you will be able to have interactions on your own terms. Loneliness appears to have driven you into relationships that do you more harm than good, and I am willing to guess that it led to your initial relationship issues as well in terms of partner selection and dynamics. One thing that I can tell you with certainty is that confidence is very appealing. There are women in their thirties, forties and beyond who command attention, respect, and desire in men for something beyond the physical, and you can absolutely be one of them. Value yourself first, so that others can follow suit.
You all make great points but its just not realistic for me. I work two jobs, volunteer, workout, travel,take classes on different things I'm interested in, and have spent thousands of of $$ on therapy, but at the end of the day none of that fills the void of an empty apartment and no missed calls on my phone.
You ladies(and gentleman) are very attractive and well spoken to boot, so I'm sure you have no problems with attracting people and dating, but some of us(me) do and we have to take what we can get. It was hard to give up on my dream of settling down and having children, but its just not in the cards for me.
Gia, I truly am sorry to hear that, but it sounds as though there's nothing I can say here to convince you otherwise. You've followed the textbook suggestions and have invested in therapy, but the problem is that your self-esteem was not positively impacted. I do hope that someone will come along (be in platonic or romantic) to help you believe that you deserve better. If ever you like/need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to send me a message at email@example.com.
Gia from how you just described yourself you sound like an extremely interesting woman but you seem to have ALOT going on as well, which makes me wonder perhaps you may appear TOO BUSY for men at times which can deter them from wanting to get to know you or asking you out. Men are like babies — They Need and Crave Attention (Coddling) and with all you got going on ALTHOUGH it's fantastic you may come off as socially unavailable/not having much free time.
I resent that word "coddling".
You don't like the word "coddling"?? okay then "Suckling"…. Same difference. *smile*
All the same to convey that Men have needs.
Ya Feel Me? 🙂
Do you have any friends Gia? With all of the things you listed off there, I'm willing to bet that you do. They see something in you that you apparently don't see in yourself and I know a man can too. You listed off things that I admire, you're a volunteer and a world-traveler. Plus you work hard, keep it tight by working out and you have hobbies too. I WISH I had a hobbie. You sound like an absolute catch and yet you've sold yourself short because things didn't happen in a certain timeframe or relationships didn't end favorably in the past. There is no rule that things have to happen before you're thirty. You don't have to give up hope. There is still somebody out there for you. You don't have to wait for a dude to approach you either. Here's my email address if you'd like to talk to me in private: firstname.lastname@example.org
krystl your such a sweetheart……*smile* I see you like picking up friends like kids pick up wounded or stray animals……lol j/k…
Girl I'ma tell you what – you're gonna do what YOU want to do…but don't slap the good Lord in the face talmbout side chick and lonely-cat-house are the only options He's given you. My mother was widowed at 58, and that woman has a better social life than I ever had at 22. She dates, she travels, she has a man (one with some money too) and no, she isn't Eartha Freakin' Kit. But you can't tell her she isn't the isht. Love yourself, emotionally and physically, then get out there and start looking at these dudes like they would be lucky to be with you. Then don't settle until you find a man who agrees with that mindset.
Gia you need to recognize that if you Stop settling and demand more respect and hold yourself to a higher standard you will attract men who are faithful.
Keep this in mind though….the men you attract you may not be attracted to them. They will probably not look like Boris or Morris or Lance Gross, they may not be young, they may not have a lot of money. They may be plumbers, or mechanics or work in a mail room or whatever. However, these type of men may be the ones that do want you. Also try single men in church. They are typically very marriage minded. I have a guy friend who loves me to death and would marry me in a heartbeat but his mom is sickly and he is the only son she has there with her. He and I live a few hours apart. So since he doesn't want to leave his mom that's why we aren't together. But he keeps in touch often and when he texts and calls and emails he always calls me mfw aka "my future wife." Now this guy is pretty handsome (to me) and he has some swag to a degree…."christian swag" I guess..lol He also dresses nice and is a really nice guy. However, he Does Not look like Morris, Boris, or Lance. He is a "big guy" Not all cut up at all. But if I decided to move to where he is and he seriously asked me to marry him and presented me with a ring I would do it in a heartbeat; because at the end of the day he is a damn good man with a good heart and he loves and respects me.
Another guy who is going through a divorce and from Zimbabwe South Africa really likes me too. Again this man looks nothing like Morris, Boris, or Lance.
He is really short (only a few inches taller than me and I'm 5'1) and he is not what most folks would call attractive or "foine" he is cute in his own way. He's a nerdy numbers guy. Has a Masters in Accounting and Finance. But again, he treats me really well when we go out and he is a very lovable person with a great personality and good heart.
I think your "real problem" Gia is that your not getting the type of men you want.
I understand cause plenty of times I've attracted men who I wasn't attracted to. And the men I wanted mostly wanted sex or were just azzholes or liars and cheaters.
What I suggest is doing some serious self-analyzation and reflecting on your needs vs your wants.
I think when you seriously and deeply think about it and decide your needs are more impnt than your wants you will find the man you Need and be a wife and have kids and be happy. In getting what you Need you will also have some of what you Want…..Not All of what you want, but definitely some wants will be fulfilled as well.
Now Gia if your problem isn't that your a little too shallow, (like me and most everybody on Gods green earth) then you need to start going speed dating and join some singles meetups on http://www.meetup.com and get yaself out there meeting some good men.
I have a degree in Psychology but (keepin it really real) many times therapy is a waste of money. Folks are more than capable of solving there own damn problems with little to no help….they are just lazy and want someone to think for them or they are clueless but as soon as they get a clue and someone shows them what to do they are straight. Stop wasting money on therapy and invest it in yourself Gia. Invest it in your life and your happiness. I worked 2 jobs before and worked every day of the week and never had a day off and still went out on dates occasionally and had somewhat of a social life. If your making a lot of money ask yourself how much are you enjoying the money your making….making money ain't just about paying bills. I don't work just to pay bills; I work to travel, shop, and spend some money on myself however I want to sometimes. I enjoy every day of my life and so should you.
If you really really want to be a wife and mother as badly as you say you do you will MAKE time to meet good quality men. Nobody has time to do a lot of extra stuff by the time they do all the things they need to do…..which is why you MAKE the time to do all the things you Want to do. That simple.
Also one common thing I've heard for many many years from men and women is one thing people in general are attracted to in other people is SELF-CONFIDENCE! Gia if you got at least a smidgen of that then your pretty good. If you don't you need to get it quick fast and in a hurry.
I bet my paycheck I could find you a man before the summertime. *smile*
I may be able to help your situation if you want. email me email@example.com
likewise to yours
"Value yourself first, so that others can follow suit."
Best Comment Ever!!
For those who agree with the article and/or believe monogamy is unrealistic, I have a question.
If your spouse came to you and said they would like to enter the “lifestyle” (swinger) would you be okay with that? Serious question. Because having been in that lifestyle in the past I can definitely say some of your views pretty much line up with theirs.
"Because having been in that lifestyle in the past I can definitely say some of your views pretty much line up with theirs."
I'm curious to know, how did that work out for you? Also, to be clear here, were you in an open relationship with your SO or were you two actually swingers? there is a difference.
Never been married, but if my bf came and said he'd like to become swingers, I'd end our relationship. To each his own, and MY own is committed monogamy. There are many out there into polygamy, several in this thread alone.
I can't say for sure if I'd say yes to swinging, specifically- it can be a bit crowded, but I would seriously consider before I said no.
Some of the other forms of non-monogamy? I would be ok with that. And I say it with the experience of having been presented certain options and accepting (and in some cases declining) them. My marriage could have easily been turned into an open marriage if A) he had thought about it before he went rogue and got disrespectful (in the aftermath he basically said 'I wish I had known it was an option') and if B) he could deal with the reality of me being with someone else, too- which he couldn't.
My recent post Paradigm Shift: I Will Not Be Silenced
C'mon son. And people wonder why I don't respect advanced degrees.
Monogamy may not be natural for some people, but using deodorant isn't natural either. I see women all the time and the first image in my mind is bending them over the bathroom sink and watching their O-face in the mirror. But is it really to the point that we're defending that we have to cheat on our spouses because we're attracted to other people? Has our morality really devolved to the point where we say, "hey, baboons cheat, so how can you expect me to be faithful?" If we're looking to the animal kingdom to defend infidelity, we could look to the animal kingdom to defend murder.
We all know a typical clause in a marriage is monogamy. Agree to an open marriage or don't get married. I'm not against people getting their Solomon on, go ahead, but I am against using pseudo-science to defend deceit.
Agreed. Well put.
+10 sir. It is not everything we desire or feel compelled to do that we must in fact do. If you cannot commit to the terms of the contract, don't enter it.
Basically, all. of. that.
This was a funny comment Hugh but there is so much truth to it.
how come men always get told their views/feelings are false whenever women don't agree with them? …or am i trippin?
There not false but some of y’all are trying to justify cheating I. Your spouse when you have agreed to be faithful and that’s not nice. Plus men how many times have you called our thoughts nd feelings irrational/ wrong because u don’t agree or understand?
I don't think their false I think they are real. But what me and many woman have said on here is if you know you can't keep your dang a lang at home then let a woman know that. Be upfront. Personally I don't think its the physical act of cheating but the sneaking and lying that hurt the other party most. That and the double standard. If you wanna open things up that may be up for discussion. But you will never know till you approach the subject.
All great feedback and a great article. There are sites online that swinger couples frequent even casually that if you read the profiles suggest a more sophisticated rationale. Sex with others isn't just a choice, it's an experiment,Part growth, part self expression. To understand it is not to support it, but to participate is a choice, one of growth.
I am a single, 49 yr old woman, who CHOSE not to marry, have kids and be in a Committed relationship because of my growth choices, career and sexual exploration. I like to travel, meet other cultures and before my maker calls me, I will have gone from the ghetto of East NY/ Brownsville to the grave. Seen alot, lived alot, loved alot. And ne'er a man to tell me what i can and cant do, including my daddy (RIP). All choices of an independent female not taking or denying myself or any male in my past or present. I am truly pro CHOICE; no baby-daddy to tie a brotha up; no concerns about who's creeping or getting laid on the DL that includes hetero as well as homosexual or bi-sexual ( remember some explore beyond the obvious and sometimes cheating comes in 31 flavors).
While not in a committed relationship now, I have decided who and who not to be involved with. My growth, choices and desies created me and sustain me and i chose to keep growing in my way. To some, infidelity is how they continue to grow while in a committed relationship. Say, they cant communcate it to their committed partner, but do not wish to die on the vine, craving to experiment beyond their relationship that has led they up to this point. Do they separate just to re-engage later, lie a summer camp retreat? The answer to how to continue to grow, especially if your partner chooses to stay where they are adds to the confusion in the choices made in the cycle of life in relationships between and within the sexes.
My sister is getting remarried at 48 bec after a kid and divorce 20+ years ago she's met someone to spend her golden years with. The guy she should have had 30 yrs ago just showed up now. He feels the same about her.
Many find that early in life; many don't. I believe many people do what society dictates and not what is naturally their desire to do. I believe that healthy people don't deny themselves what's natural for their own growth and well-being, be it fidelity or single-life.
But I can say that if you get married,taking a vow that claims "forsaking all others", male or female, you should really think about that before you say I Do. That's the reality here. The lie perp'd by the liar is the choice and their decision. And many bring many along for that ride, not realizing the destination they'll end up.
Men may be predisposed to crave women, but thats only some men. And sex, the desire as well as the act is natral and how we grow and sustain as a species. Men love sex, pussy, the smell, the shapes, the different women that come wrapped round it. Thats clear or else fat girls would get no love and Halle would still have a man. Having sex pleases them, or Cialis wouldn't be such a well advertised product.
The fact that society has made it easy for anyone to justify taking another peron for granted makes the choice a personal one. I feel, if you make the choice, face the consequences of that choice be it losing half your wealth, served with papers, STD, or a legacy of happiness. Kobe chose not to have a pre-nup. Don't feel sorry for him. He had people advising him I'm sure and he made his choice then, as well as choosing to screw his way while in the NBA. Lots of choices, making the right one is a shared responsibility in a relationship and outside of one. It's also the continued quest of the ages. We'll keep making them, right or wrong until we are told by our Maker that like the cocktail at last call, it's the last one.
Nicely written, Carol!
Many people may not be able to conceptualize the various statements made in your response, as many are built with the word "prejudgement". In life we do not fully understand why others make the "choices" that they make. As for Kobe, the game he chose to play in his relationship is entirely different from that on the courts; ultimately he made the decision not to have a pre-nup. I highly doubt he did not have others around to steer him otherwise. You never know, perhaps deep down inside he believes she deserved much, for sticking by him through the ups and downs of their marriage. Only the parties involved can be their own judge when faced with their divine-self.
Are you available ?
If so.. Im interested in you..
Hit me up for more info…
<—— this that new 2012 G.
Not my style, but I hope it works…
1. The key to a successful relationship is self-control + honouring the implicit and explicit agreements you undertook when establishing the relationship.
2. I want to say yes, but it can be situation specific. In some cases, the physical act could put someone over the edge, whereas it might be more forgivable than emotional cheating in others. A factor that could come into play is whether or not the other person is a known party, and the wronged partner's feelings towards him/her. I may be slightly more willing to forgive a purely sexual escapade than one that involved feelings, but that is not to say I would. Emotional cheating = your heart wandering, which will likely place an upper limit on the duration of our relationship. Nonetheless, cheating is cheating is cheating….is wrong.
3. I usually say I'd want to know, but if it were a single, isolated incident, then perhaps I'm better off in ignorance.
4. Monogamy (or lack thereof) has always been a big issue, though certainly not as contentious as it is today. It is nonetheless not an unreasonable expectation. We make difficult decisions everyday, and monogamy can be one of them. It's essentially an ongoing and manageable series of decisions.
the more this man writes, the more I am convinced this man is not the marrying kind and does he even know? The very foundation of marriage is the ability to forsake all others for your partner. If you are able to do it then marriage is for you. Finding a woman who believes in monogamy to go along with those rationalization above is like trying to find water that is not wet. I also wonder if the same rules could be applied by women. Would it be okay if a woman offered these terms to a man? Or can this arrangement only work if practiced by just the man in the relationship.
Young girls are socialized to focus on one person, while young boys are taught to focus on many. So, yes it isn't an easy transition to exclusivity because there was never any preparation from the begin. b Girls are taught that their bodies hold great value, whereas boys aren't, which also may contribute to this strong emotional attachment to sex.
This is why I'm telling you I think the person who wrote that mess is a continental African man defending their absolutely RETRO and MISOGYNIST beliefs.
On the other side, Naija's also – 9 chances out of 10- a continental African (man? woman?), and likely also NIGERIAN, specifically, but– thankfully– is expressing a PROGRESSIVE point of view that — healthily– contradicts the kind of disrespectful, anti-women attitudes one finds EVERY DAY in Africa. WOMEN (and many men who are visiting Africa, but not from there originally) would notice the ROUTINE gendered oppression far more than most men.
People need to share what culture/society they're actually speaking from, and the culture they actually come from. WHEN IT COMES TO NOT ONLY "TREATMENT OF WOMEN* but also PARTICIPATION OF WOMEN IN SETTING VALUES, BEHAVIOURS & CULTUAL/SOCIAL NORMS– NO, all societies do not believe- let alone practice- the same thing.
Monique wrote: "the very foundation of marriage is the ability to forsake all others for your partner."
That is a cultural belief, and I am certain that some persons on this forum are from some of the (MANY) cultures, countries & societies that DEFINITELY do not believe what Monique (and many others of us on here) have been raised, taught and ACCULTURATED to believe.
Just be aware and HONEST that not everyone giving their two cents on these issues believes the same things; NOT JUST ON AN INDIVIDUAL BASIS, but by virtue of the societies, cultures AND FAMILIES they are really from.
Let me drop this bomb: BLACK AMERICA AND CONTINENTAL AFRICA are FAR FROM being "the same place." Same for basically ALL the Afrodescendant Communities & Cultures of the Americas.
AND ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO WHAT WOMEN CAN AND "CANNOT" DO, AND in comparison to the men & boys of our own communities. Think about it.
And most folks in this forum AIN'T NEVER BEEN TO AFRICA, LET ALONE LIVED THERE, so most continental Africans on this forum have a tactical advantage- they've "seen" SOME of your (our) Black culture of the USA (& small maybe some of our OTHER Black cultures of the Americas) BUT YOU AIN'T SEEN THEIRS IN THEIR NATURAL, GEOGRAPHIC HABITAT- back in those African countries. Let's please NOT "ROMANTICIZE" – or ignore- those African social practices that discount, denigrate, & "overlook" women & girls. Thanks.
i dont want to have sex on another's woman ding dong, just like i dont want to use another's woman dildo.
I don’t have a problem with open relationships if that what both parties are into. With cheating that usually isn’t the case. One party is doing something that is good for them and not the relationship as a whole while the other is just excepting it even if it’s not why they really like or want. We are all adults we make choices again if u choose to enter ink a monogamous relationship and that’s not what you really want you are deceiving your partner. There are other people who believe in open relationships that will be wit you find them and stope deceiving the ones who aren’t looking for that lifestyle.
Guys can cheat if they want. If they don't value their relationship with me enough to commit to monogamy and loyalty, I don't want them and they can do as they please. And the moment they cheat is the moment we're no longer together, so I guess cheating is impossible when it comes to me. 🙂
Unfortunately, that logic is only applicable if you're aware of the transgression(s) in question.
True. Generally, I mean ONCE I FIND OUT. And the longer I go without finding out, the less of a lady I'll be about the separation. I tend to get a feeling about these things. Once I do, I ask the dude directly. When confronted directly and without heated emotion, men tend to be honest about it. Otherwise, they use omission as an excuse.
For instance, my dude said he was going to lunch with a female friend on Saturday. I calmly asked if she was a friend from college. He fumbled with his words a while and then eventually said she was an ex-FB he met online that fell for him, they tried it, it didn't work out, and now they're just smoking buddies.
I then calmly answered, "I'm not in the business of keeping you from doing what you want to do and seeing who you want to see. But you know how I feel about cheating, and having women on the side, so just keep that in mind and either way, enjoy your lunch." No tears, no ultimatums. But he's clear in his mind the consequences if something beyond lunch goes down and that's the only control I have (or even ATTEMPT to have) over the situation.
lol Well played. Him being honest with you about their history is a good sign, especially since it didn't come out with too much probing.
Oh, I was addressing the point about cheating being impossible. Even if you do get a feeling eventually, there's a period of vulnerability where you're none the wiser and still very much in a relationship as far as you both are concerned…and therefore, being cheated on.
It warms my heart so much to see a lot of the men on here dismissing these studies. I could never stay with a guy who cheated on me. In my mind, it's so simple. There are a lot of things that goes against our nature, unnatural if you will, (like wearing clothes, cooking meat before eating it, etc.) BUT because we're humans (higher primates) and not animals, we have the intellectual ability to discern and make certain choices. And if you can make a conscious effort not to walk around naked, even though that is the most natural thing for you to do, THEN you can make a conscious effort to be faithful to your partner, if you have PROMISED fidelity. Trust is such an important aspect of a relationship to me that I feel once that's broken, it can never be regained. It's ok. I won't hate the guy or be bitter or any of that. I just CAN'T be with them anymore.
I think Beef Bacon mentioned it upthread, but obviously Polygamy is the way to go! That is why I fully support a Romney/ Huntsman ticket in 2012
Romney 2012!!! Lol!
(yes, this was a joke)
Typo City, but you get the gist.
maybe it's not you per se, but your choices in men.
My marriage won't be sexless. While I don't think letting your man cheat is a blanket solution to creating a successful relationship, a happy, healthy and satisfying sex life is as close to a blanket solution as I can think of.
I can't really answer your question because of that, and because I don't find monogamy at all problematic. I've never been the kind of person that looked at monogamy as LOSING something.
Its amazing to me how Physical Cheating which is one form of betrayal gets so much attention in this society. Whereas other forms of betrayal and disrespect such as: Emotional cheating, physical abuse, neglect, financial irresponsiblity, drug, gambling addictions etc. All of which will destroy a family. But those things are not hot topics.. why is that?? Lets be honest.. we all have lied (straight up or by omission) at some point in our relationships. Isnt a lie and a cheat one of the same? Its all BETRAYAL people!!
No, monogamy does not imply ownership in all aspects. It implies a mutual commitment to have one partner.
My recent post Paradigm Shift: I Will Not Be Silenced
Well, people say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. That said, generally speaking, most men coming up have their fair share of recreational sex pre-marriage/relationship. Playing the field or just having fun are some of the terms used. Usually, the reason why a man wants to settle down is because he supposedly grown tired of the single life and is ready to be with just one person now that they got all of "that stuff" out of their system. So the intentions are good and are there to be monogomous…____However, much like that star athlete that just wont stay retired and wants to make yet another comeback, some men find themselves getting that "itch" so to speak which is what the doctor is partially eluding to and that itch apparently according to him is embedded in men's DNA or what have you. I see a few comments saying if you're gonna cheat then why get married then? Well, call me crazy, buuuut I don't think most men go into marriage assuming and knowingly feel they're going to cheat. But that's just my opinion, tho *shrugs* Like Dr. J mentioned earlier one has to decide to convey self-control for the greater good.
This is why I'm rarely interested in men with a history of cheating. Marriage is the ultimate promise to be faithful and FORSAKE ALL OTHERS. If dude messed up when the stakes were low (just dating), he might mess up when the stakes are high (added pressure of the long-term/divorce). EVERY PERSON has an urge now and again to be with someone else. Not everyone has the self control and if you don't have it, then I'm not sure marriage is the way to go, despite your INTENTIONS.
Yup, exactly. Assuming you know way ahead of time you lack self control and figure you can't be a one woman man/woman then one may want to put marriage on hold, I agree.
The grey area, however, is when people believe they have self-control and have believe whole-heartedly they wouldn't ever cheat….but have a "slip up" or what not. Can't really predict or see those coming. (i.e. Rachael McAdams character in "The Notebook"…was set to get married and everything, but ran into an old "flame"…oops…Lol)
So yeah, we pretty much agree.
We agree except for your use of the word "slip up". That implies, in my interpretation, that a lapse in commitment/monogamy while married is a small thing. It's not. And, in my case, probably unforgivable. I can't think of a time when I'd forgive infidelity. I don't care if we have kids together, a house together, we've been married 30 yrs, it happened 15 years ago and I just found out, etc. I can't see myself finding out you dishonored me, lied about it, and expect me to be able to lay next to you in bed again and be held in your arms. Nope. That's a no-no. If I stayed, I'd probably be like that woman Chris Rock jokes about. All's well and then, "Did you make a left with that BI**H?! From now on, only RIGHT turns!"
That's the reason I put slip up in parentheses….to sarcastically make a small phrase meant to be used for a bigger situation. At any rate, assigning magnitude to words is just mere semantics. Cheating is not a small thing and it wasn't my intention to make it sound like that… (see what I did there, lol)
Yes but in the notebook she confessed and she was not justifying the behavior and was willing to accept losing her future husband because of her indiscretion. I think the study above is a about someone who has a serious chronic issue with cheating and than justifies it by suggesting it a matter of DNA and not character.
They might not feel their going to cheat but come on you know of you had the situation set up would you take the bait or not. I’m not saying ppl go to the alter saying yup in going to cheat once I get married but they know in their heart or hearts if they are willing to leave that door open for cheating to happen.
I'm beginning to think that having a lot of pre-marital sex might be a really good indicator that he might get bored more easily. My guy, for instance, has a lower libido than me. He'd been with about 10 other women before me and talked a LOT about their escapades in the very beginning of our relationship. So I thought he'd be as into sex as I was. Nope. He turned me down when I wanted to try new things (for him they were "been there done that" stuff; for me they were new). He refused to let me watch p0rn with him. He won't do any foreplay on me, but expects me to do so on him (and I do every time). And now he's saying that we might have to start scheduling sex. He's bored; but honestly, it's not because of me. It's because of him. He's become used to the excitement of new sex with a new body and doesn't know how to sustain it. He's cheated on me and in past relationships. Yet he'd flip his lid if I merely wanted a one-night stand just because he doesn't have enough sex with me. So …what's a girl to do? He wants to stay with me, but wants to give his sexual energy to other women instead of me, but wants all my sexual energy for himself (he'll even make sarcastic comments when I want to use my dildo). In short, he's selfish. Like a lot of men.
Meh, I've actually had a guy I was dating try to tell me this. He was one of those 'highly intellectual and overly confident' type of guys – so I guess he thought i'd be down with the okey-doke. And then when I countered and asked if he would be cool if I were to do the same…his face got so screwed up. But, uh..nah buddy. I wish a ninja would try to have 'recreational sex' while in a relationship with me. The feelings of inadequacy and betrayal would be too much.
My recent post How to Know If You're Too Close to IdaHO
If I were a man, I'd be thoroughly offended at this study. The piece suggests that men are basically weak, illogical, simple-minded and selfish–all by nature. This is like saying "well kids are curious by nature so we'll let them stick their hand in the fireplace because that's what kids do".
These so called "studies" also said black folks had smaller brains and should therefore be treated like cows. Really, son? #pass
One, undergrads? Word? ok…
Second, for the men who just can't help themselves, why not get involved with a woman who likes to swing? And I'm not talking about at the playground… Marry that woman, and the 2 of you can confess your love for each other, and still swap partners with the neighbors once a week if you want. Cheating implies lying, being deceitful. The way around that is to stay single, go the open marriage route, or the swinging route. But don't use a bogus study to tell me that grown men are unable to do grown men sh*t. Communication is the key. If you're really about the settle down, monogamous life, then be about it. No half stepping. Or, like I said, go the open relationship/swinging route. The good doctor is trying to sell me a bridge, and I'm not buying it.
My recent post My Love Is Like…
::Nods at the report::
::smh at the comments::
Y'all have a good day.
If you've followed my comments, you might be a bit o_O at how they vary.
First, as a man … I defend men instinctively (not justify). So, my immediate reaction isn't to side with the women of today and judge/condemn/demean men's frame of thought, despite it's susceptibility to be flawed, but I am here to explain why we are where we are today and maybe hope to give some understanding. The more you understand, the better you may be able to correct our actions or mindset. Equip yourself.
Secondly, as a man that loves women. I love women. Period. Whatever that means to you, it is what it is. Sue me.
Third of all, my Idea of what I want my marriage to look like is FARRR different from the reality of it that I see everyday. My views on marriage in general are pretty cynical/realistic, but I plan to have an optimistic marriage despite all of the factors that may impede that process.
Fourth, fellas though that like may have boosted your self-esteem today … It won't get you any extra p*ssy tonight. I'm just sayin. I see you tho. Lol.
All I have to add is as I said on Twitter, "explaining an action is not the same as justifying an action."
My recent post Video Blog: WisdomIsMisery Does Vegas
Late to the party…but I see WIM is trying to get some poor man cut. First of all – most wives I know aren't about to end a marriage because of ONE slip-up. Women are forgiving by nature. The problem is that most men who cheat don't know how to keep themselves and their side hoes in check. There's lots of ways this can go wrong:
– He lies to the sidechick, then gets mad when she starts acting out of pocket.
– He tells the side chick the truth, then she STILL gets out of pocket
– He's using house money to fund his affair (easily traced, nobody will count your coins like a wife)
– He makes a child outside of the marriage (instant divorce, multiple child support claims)
– He brings home an std (that may get your junk cut off in the middle of the night)
– You get caught, your wife doesn't want to divorce you, but now you are living with the one person on this earth that will never trust you, doesn't like you and won't like you again for a long time.
So yeah, go head and find you a woman who is "cool" with you having affairs. But don't get mad if you start finding lingerie and lube…and she's coming to you with holey sweats and ashy cheeks
Keep their side hos in check? My word. So many issues with this statement. Woosah.
If you want to take exception to the phrase "side hoe" be my guest. But I've seen what happens when a man tries to step out and is sloppy with his business. Staying out too late, coming up short on the bills, not letting the side chick know that's what she is then get mad when she starts slashing tires…that's why I said keep THEMSELVES and the side hoe in check. Perhaps a nicer way to say it is that he needs to be discreet – by a woman's standards, not a man's.
I mainly took issue with a man even attempting to HAVE side hos. But I guess, if he's going to do it, it's out of anyone's control but his, and he may as well be as respectful as he can about it, though the concept of cheating is disrespectful, in my opinion.
Teflon Mom >
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Most as the married man and the other dude who is engaged where are your deep thoughts and comments????? Just curious………
I knew it was a joke, but cheating is one of those things about which I have no sense of humor.
Plus, there are plenty of men who actually think the goals you outlined are valid and possible.
Hahahhaa… So how many times am I supposed to let him cheat? Once a year? Twice a month? Every week? Do we have a little 'Gon' Head And Cheat' Card where he it hole punched for every cheat and after 12, he gets a threesome? Meh. My parents been married almost 40 years and my dad has always said, "you have to choose to cheat." And followed that up wit, "And men need to exert self-control." Do I know the ins and outs of my parents' marriage? Nope. But I know that my mama ain't crazy and handing out free passes.
Now what you come to as a couple is up to you. I dated a dude who said his homeboy who was married and traveled out of town a lot plainly said to his wife, "when I'm on the road I'm going to sleep with other women." And she said ok. Because they had 2 kids, she stayed at home, life was good enough for her, I guess. And I actually think that's what a lot of couples especially famous ones low key agree to, let's not act like Vanessa et. al. don't know what's really going on…it's just when the woman starts to be made a fool that you have problems.
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Thumbs up for Pariah.
Ohhh yesss! It was totally awesome and needs to be supported and seen! 🙂
My recent post What You Need to See Wednesday…Pariah
I know your other points were lighthearted, but I just wanted to point out that womanizers are generally defined as players//philanderers/sluts. The term doesn't simply mean a person who likes and therefore flirts with women.
Yes thank you Najia! That was my point lol. In fact, Webster's defines it as: Philanderer; one who pursues casual sexual relationships with multiple women.
Thus according to Top, any man who stays with one woman is gay…#nosign
lol You're most welcome! +1 for the #nosign
Okay I guess i needed to clarify what i meant by womanizers.
I'm using the term in the general sense that men like, look, flirt and are tempted by women whether they are in a committed relationship or not and the guys that don't are gay because they do the same but its in reference to other men.
Don't deduce the fact that a man who's with one woman is gay … That makes absolutely no sense. But don't think that just because he's in a relationship/marriage that he doesn't have a wandering eye. That's simply what i'm saying. I'm not using Webster's … Sorry
As long as i can some d-ck on the side too, we will have a very happy marriage, oh that's right, the man is the only one allowed to cheat, we don't have needs either, we can't aspire to get a bigger penis and a better stroke, if you like to sleep around don't get married, if in the course of that relationship you cheat, wanna cheat, think cheating should be allowed, then sex should be removed between the wife and the husband and they can both get sex outside their home and everyone would be very very happy.
The long and short for me is…
Whether monogamy was your intention when you got married or not…
Men and women know full well way before they say "I do" whether or not they have the capacity to be monogamous long term. We need to be real with ourselves about who we are and what we can do…own it and act accordingly. If that means you shouldn't get married, and that you can't date/get emotionally attached to people who want to get married, don't.
cynicaloptmst81: Men and women know full well way before they say "I do" whether or not they have the capacity to be monogamous long term.
Just want to note this was addressed in the main story: At the point men enter into relationships they, too, think they want monogamy. It's only after being in a relationship for months or years that they badly want sex with others. But by this point, they don't want to break up with their partners because they have long-standing love. Instead of chancing that love by asking for extradyadic sex, they cheat. If they don't get caught (and most don't) it's a rational choice.
I'm not sure these men or all men/women know beforehand that they'll want to cheat some day. That's like saying everyone knows when they fall in love whether they'll fall out of love. You actually dont know…until it happens.
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I beg to differ, lol.
Any adult thats ever been in love knows the highs and lows of being in love. Most times, you're in. Sometimes, you're out.
Cheaters don't just start cheating once they're married. Its happened prior to…and probably often enough that they know that's what they do. So, they know monogamy is a challenge for them. Its something they should conquer/perfect prior to "I do". If they can't, they should pass on marriage instead of hoping that a ring will remove their desire or tendency to cheat.
And regarding the quote, "they don't want to break up…" etc., thats when what you want needs to take a back seat to what your partner deserves. Someone who won't cheat. Let that person go.
On another note, I do not doubt that those marriages that have lasted 30+ years that we women often swoon over have been through issues of infidelity. Hell, my grandmother even told me that as long as the husband provides for all of my needs and doesn't bring a "b*tch or a bastard" (her words) home, then all is good. In the past, I believe that men wandering was not only accepted, but expected. Divorce was frowned upon – so wives just had to take their husbands slanging wang all over town just to save face. I don't believe men have changed too much over the years.
My recent post Cease and Desist
I have an interesting thought on all of this. Assuming a woman agrees to this allowing her man to sleep with other women stuff, and he ends up leaving her for one of the women she Ok'ed him to sleep with, Who's really at fault here? Technically permission was given so can she really place all the blame on him? And if the argument is that he wasn't supposed to cheat emotionally, then is his real fault the fact that he has feelings…? Slippery Slope I tell ya…
good point MissMina
I see what you me, however, I don't think the option to be replaced was ever on the table. I feel that is where the woman feels slighted. I think it was probably understood that while that man was free to have sex with other people, he was not allowed to offer the same emotional investment which would result in a departure from the relationship. I think that's why is upseting because rules were changed without the other party being consulted. If it was agreed that the couple would always keep their options open while being together is one thing, but if it was were remain closed to that idea replacement but sex permissive to others is another. People needed to communicate and more importantly be clear about their expectation and limits.
It takes so much effort to cheat. First you have to go somewhere where you can meet people, preferably without your spouse or friends who will not condone your actions. (Already exhausted.) Second, you have to flirt with someone or at least allow them to approach you and make yourself available. Third, you have to like that person enough to want to sleep with them. And fourth, you have figure out where to go (hotel, their place, your place if it's empty) and with what (cab, your car, their car). All this before you can do the actual act of cheating.
So that is, at a minimum, 15 minutes during which you consciously and knowingly decide to hurt me in one of the worst ways possible.
Don't think I can forgive and forget that.
My opinion on this cheating topic.
I think honestly keepin it really real; God created man to be able to procreate and populate the earth and spread his seed around "In The Beginning" Old Testament. I think from the biblical days many men took advantage of this over-whelmingly strong desire for sex that God gave them and the ability to procreate so many so quickly and easily used it to his advantage and Abused It. From what I read in the bible, and I know it pretty well Men being with multiple women who aren't their wives and Not being faithful is NOT part of God's plan and what he intended once the earth was populated with enough human beings.
At any rate, it is what it is.
This wacko of a Dr. and some men need to keep in mind that women were Not created to be like them. Therefore, it is impossible to think that women will ever in life be ok with men cheating on them and lying to them.
I tell my guy friends time and time again the Main Thing many women in general want is to be The Only One! This is the be all and end all for most every woman on God's green earth…..no if's and's or buts about it. That one thing. In relationships it means Everything for most women to Feel Special and Feel like they are The Only Woman in your life and the Main Woman in your life and that you will Never Ever put any other woman before her. Not ever your Mother. Men why do you think there are more problems with women getting along with your Mother than you with their Father……..???? Forreal, most women Do Not want you putting any other woman's needs, wants, and desires before hers. Real Talk! When you don't do this, that's when you typically have the most serious problems in your relationship…..think about it.
This is why Most women will Never Ever be ok with cheating and/or sharing a man, (don't yall remember Mike Baisden's show about that)?
If a woman "says" she is ok with cheating and an open relationship it's 1 of 4 things:
1. She is lying her azz off but is trying to keep you because she loves you that much so she is willing to deal with whatever just to keep you in her life paying her bills or to have a man or whatever.
2. She really could give a frogs fat azz about you so she doesn't care what you do and/or who you do it with.
3. She wants to be able to cheat and/or have an open relationship herself Guilt Free.
4. She has the personality of a man and is a freak of nature or she is a nympho or has a sex addiction and/or the exception, Not the rule.
Hopefully men you get the fact that women want to always and forever be Numero Uno. What will realistically happen is men will keep doing what they are doing ie lying and cheating, and as time goes on maybe by the year 2020 something women will begin to change and adapt and accept it since it will Never stop and by then men will have what they want….women who accept their cheating.
However, I doubt very seriously there will ever come a day when women will like it and not be hurt and offended by it and Not hate it. jmo
Well, today was nothing short of interesting. Wish I could have been more in the mix. I appreciate the shares, likes and comments.
However, there was one underlying theme I observed in a few comments that I wanted to address before I call it a day. The idea that these young men, "undergraduates" in this case dont count because they're young men. As far as I know, young men grow into old men. This mindset seems rather enabling in nature. Are young men not to be held to any sort of standard? Is cheating ok ages 18 – 23 but bad ages 24 – and beyond? Are we saying undergraduate aged men can cheat but graduate aged men cant? That doesnt make any sense.
The idea that you can forgive young men for their unfaithful ways with the expectation they'll eventually grow up on their own resolve to be responsible and faithful boyfriends/husbands is misleading. Just look around you for proof. Specifically, the article says "In his study of 120 undergraduate men, 78 percent of those who had a partner cheated, 'even though they said that they loved and intended to stay with their partner.'" 78 percent is what statisticians call a super majority. 78 percent?!? Yes it wasnt statistically valid BUT that's almost 8 out of 10 of the men not only admitted to cheating but also " intended to stay with their partner." To put things in perspective, Barack Obama became president of the United States with only 57 percent of the vote. Furthermore, we are talking about men who are cheating. If 78 percent of cheating men – liars, mind you – admitted to cheating, what percent didn't admit it? In my opinion, it is likely that the percentage is in fact UNDER represented here given we're already talking about an untrustworthy population.
Do you believe that ALL of those men will suddenly mature into faithful men? Cheating, to a degree, can be a learned habit. Therefore men, young and old, should be held to a responsible standard – whatever you deem that standard to be. So if you think cheating is wrong, it shouldnt be right at age 13, 23 or 33 nor should you stand for it or you then become a part of the problem.
That's my 2 cents and some change on that….until next week.
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Cosign on all dat Wis….Men I know who are faithful and loyal as older men in their late 30's and 40's told me they were always like that even in highschool and college. By the same token some men who are "ole skool playa's from the himalaya's" in their late 30's and 40's were the same way when they were young….some worse as youngins…."So if you think cheating is wrong, it shouldnt be right at age 13, 23 or 33 nor should you stand for it or you then become a part of the problem." Couldn't have said it better Wis.
Well there are reasons why certain priviliges are permissible at certain ages. For instance, the legal age for drinking is 21 instead of 13, or to sign contractual agreements one has to be 18 or have a legal guardian act on his or her behalf. It is understood that at these points in life, the brain has matured enough to participate in these activities in a manner that is not only reponsible to themselves but also others. I also feel like these age markers help protect us.
There is a reason why children should not become sexually active no different why inexperienced, unfocused young men should consider long term relationshps. There are exception to the rule regarding young men and monogamy, but how can you expect a person at an age of transition, who is just learning about themselves make a commitment that is constant to someone else. Especially, if from the time they were young, were receiving the opposite message. It take a level of growth, independence and experience for an individual to find his or her own way and that just simply takes time. If not, expectation will be created that that exceeds a person's limits. People will essentially be set up for failure. So I can not agree, I believe there are developmental stages that we have to go through and the sample that was being tested in the case study unfortunately gave no validity to the "good" doctor's argument.
Matter of fact, I am wondering if he calculated using this segment of the population to give his hypothesis more credence. Yep,
So why be in a relationship if you are not going to be faithful to your spouse. I know they are benefit in being in a relationship aswell it is to be single so i guess they are tryiing to combine the two….um thats will created confusion. People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos, is because things are being loved, and people are being used.
WOW, if i was a man i would be offended by the article. Man are in nature selfish, cant control themselves, and weak.
I think both the article and this subsequent write up are both quite interesting. I'm noticing the comments today generally focus on how a man should "want to be with" a single woman in a monogomous way. I think if peple remove the emotional aspect of it, and think of it in a more rational way – the article/write up are merely exmaining the compulsion to want something different. While this is (might be) an oversimplified view on it – think of the human compulsion to want different foods, drinks, clothing etc… it's not really that different. If we try saying that sex is the same… well… it just can't possibly ring true. Why wouldn't be compelled to want variety? change? different…?
I'm not condoning cheating, I would in fact react rather poorly to being cheated on (that's an understatement, btw). BUT, what I can understand is the individuals compulsion to cheat. I believe it's innate. I think the difference is the choice that you make – to be with one person, to "fight" the compulsion to "cheat".
But, I think it's important to realize that ignoring the compulsion doesn't make it go away…
I think this post ties in nicely to @WisdomIsMisery's post last week about settling —> http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/01/05/maybe-y…
Well, by its very definition, it would seem that allowing someone to cheat wouldn't really be cheating. Perhaps suggesting that open relationships are the way to go is really more in line with this concept.
Men who cheat … sorry, people who cheat are not emotionally close to their primary partner. Sorry, I know people won't like to hear this, but lying to someone automatically puts up a barrier to closeness.
I am personally not a fan of asking someone to be monogamous. It isn't something you can request in a relationship. You can say that you will not stay with someone who needs to be with others, but you can't demand someone's faithfulness.
Of course, there is something to this…because I'm hoping that everyone realizes that if we really want women to 'let' their men cheat, maybe the answer is that those same women should have no problem explaining why they also need someone on the side.
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It's interesting to me how mob like women get about this when they are guilty of the same cheating but in a different way. Some women willingly accept favors and whatever else from other guys while being in a committed relationship and think it's ok. Ex. You know Willie at the car wash place has a crush on you so you take your car there to get it washed, waxed and detailed for free on a regular basis. You didn't sleep with him, you might not have even touched him but it's still cheating. Women tend to associate cheating with sex and are quick to say "nuh uh I've never cheated(sexually)" but when you question if they've flirted to get something it gets quiet. On top of that, women cheat sexually as well but just don't get caught. If you ask me, men are just trying to play catch up lol. JUST KIDDING.
What I find interesting is the short sightedness when it comes to cheating. Cheating is indeed wrong, but is symptomatic of a greater issue: usually unhappiness and being unfulfilled. Even if cheating stopped, the unhappiness and such would simply reveal itself in a different form like drinking, drugs, or even porn in some cases. It's nice to be a good/great husband or great father, but to be honest, that benefits his wife and children, but what's in it for him, and I don't mean that in a selfish manipulative way, but what is it that's supposed to make the MAN happy, not the HUSBAND, FATHER, AND PROVIDER: those are what he does for others, not himself. I know some are going to be like, "Well, that's what he's supposed to be" and if he gets married and has children that's what he indeed is supposed to do for them, but that isn't supposed to define him as a man, but rather describe him. There's a difference.
After the job is taken care, he's taken care of the wife, he's taken care of the kids, well, there's one person left that isn't taken care: HIMSELF, and who's going to do that? When he has a problem or something heavy on his mind, who can he go to for real? Some folks are going to say "Well, his wife is supposed to be his best friend, go to her", this sounds nice, but the truth is that this statement is a bald faced lie. The truth is that as much as he may love her, it's a bunch of stuff that he can't say, especially the way he wants to say, to his wife without making things worse, because not only does he have his issue to deal with, he now has her issue with what he said and thought to deal with and try to smooth out as well. And even if he is a godly man who submitted to God himself, he still has to deal with a wife that's constantly questioning him and children who are questioning him even though he's shown himself to be led by God and that stuff will wear on him because he's probably thinking "Wasn't one of the points of being led by God to be the man I'm supposed to be was so I wouldn't have to deal with this, since one of the many complaints of women was that they can't submit to a man who isn't led by God". Bottom line, getting asked twenty million questions every time you say something gets old, dealing with people in your household trying to undermine you gets old, and being something to everyone else and trying to make everybody else in the house happy is noble, but when you're being neglected that's gets old too. This is the kind of stuff that sets the stage up perfectly to do so, and if that man isn't reminded of his commitment made to God first, and his woman second, more often than not he will fall victim to that fleeting moment of happiness at the cost of his integrity.
CHEATING IS WRONG, I'll say it again: CHEATING is wrong!! But to have a conversation about cheating without discussing the things that can lead up to it does it a great disservice. We have to talk about the reality of what ANYBODY deals with in life, not just men before we can actually address cheating.
You are absolutely right, it is a great disservice to discuss cheatilng without looking at the contributing factors when a couple is trying to reconcile. However, doing this doesn't legitimizes the act itself. In a perfect world, there are no influences that deter you from making good decison and choices. A mark of great character is an individual who is able to maintain his commitments despite internal and external distractions and temptations. Marriage is not for everyone. If a person feels that constant disagreements with their mate will lead him or her to make an irreversible decision that will possible destroy the entire family unit then marriage is not an option. I don't know who would enter into a relationship that wasn't mutual beneficial. A person who views marriage as ornaments of success and maturity but doesn't honor it true purpose and meaning.
If I'm with a chic and she is not giving it up.. so much so that I can call our relationship sexless.. then she should just go ahead and assume that I'm getting some elsewhere.. and if I'm not willing to fulfill that aspect, I would assume the same after a while. That's just bogus… 40%… insane.
Men should "cheat", women should not… End of story…
Women BTW, have their double standards that they would love to uphold… I want this DS personally
A relationship is about respect and people need to understand that getting involved with somebody is a choice that is made based on a certain set of circumstances. If monogamy is a condition of your partner being with you exclusively then you should respect them enough to be honest with them when you have an indiscretion. People act like "having feelings" for the other person is what matters, it isn't it is RESPECT.
Monogamy is just as hard for women as it is for men and this is proven by the fact that ,as women have become more financially independent, they have been documented as having more affairs. Men need to understand that they must be mature enough to be honest with their partners… If you want to have recreational sex then have an open relationship but being selfish and deceptive undermines your partner's self-esteem and is indicative of a level of self-absorption that is incompatible with a relationship.
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this is really a debate?
you made a promise. keep it. point blank period.
if you decide to have an open relationship, go have one with someone who wants it.
if you and her agree to be boyfriend and girlfriend exclusively or husband and wife, that is a promise and commitment. if in 2012 you are still incapable of keeping your word on something as simple as not jumping onto another penis or tripping and falling into another vaj, just kill yourself. there are more complicated decisions to make out there so you probably wont survive anyway. humans have the ability to think projectively and rationalize, despite there moronic claims to undeterred "instincts" and "animalistic nature" we have a large prefrontal cortex for a reason; use it.
if you can honestly tell someone bold face you love them cherish them and want to spend your life with them grow with them and etc, and you're dippin and diving into other people's private parts YOU are full of it. You do NOT love them. Love carries respect, caring of feelings, caring for health, caring for their wellbeing, caring for their future. All of that is gone when you decide to cheat and lie. Don't fool yourself into believing you can go cheat and you love them, no, you are just possessive and selfish; at that point they have become property that you wish to hold onto despite mistreating it.
cheating is a rational choice. is your s/o puts their loyalty, trust, faith and all the rest in you, and you decide to betray them. yes, betray because it is a betrayal (especially in this day and age where every damn body is getting pregnant and STDs are like oxygen), then you should go and be single and do your thing. clearly, you do not know what you want.
did it ever occur to people that sometimes people stay after they cheated is because they selfishly like the stability of their relationship and partner? they like to dabble with the uncertain, but are comforted by the fact that they have something stable at home, especially if they can successfully lie and hide what they've done. if there was a 100% chance that the girl would find out he was cheating, most guys wouldnt do it or they would be single. bet that.
This post is CRAZY. I am a black male and can say I DO NOT AGREE AT ALL WITH THIS POST AT ALL (nothing against the author). AT it's core, cheating on a person is you not loving a person. Anything you do to hurt a person, (cheating, negative and hurtful words, selfishness) is not loving them. You may claim to be in love as a state of being, but TRUE love is an ACTION VERB, and you ACTIONS refelct your STATE OF BEING so if you are cheating, you are not loving. And the John Legand reference took the cake. All those things he says he does is becasue he is a coward and is not man enough to face the reults of his action ( not John Legend personally or course). In all, if you CHOOSE to love a person, you have to do so EvERYDAY with EVERY DECISION you make and vice versa. If you ain't ready for that, don;t get into a relationship.
I had this article emailed to me by a friend when it was just published and I was so appalled I was at a loss for words.
Sure, I have this romantic notion that the man I choose to be with should be only with me. But despite this Anderson mostly provoked me in his selfproclaimed truth-telling based on a survey that has no validity at all. He does admit the sample is limited and not large enough to have generalizability. However, he claims that it is useful to shed light on men's view on monogamy. Really? Using a sample of 120 undergraduate students? The basis on men's view on monogamy is the opinions of 120 18-22 year olds, on a high from their new found freedom being away from home and having the world of college girls at their feet. Despite what you, as a man, think of monogamy today, I would hope that your opinions have developed some from those you had during this era in your life, no?
Also, he says that men craves sex with others somatically, as if it were an actual addiction. An addiction is something that enslaves you to the point where it harms you in other areas of your life, generally not something that is desireable. He doesn't see the problem with this as he likens sex with people outside of your relationship to the giving into the temptation of a snickers bar. Yeah, I think appalled is the word. No matter what your take on monogamy is, I think you need to have some basic respect for the person you claim to love and have chosen to be your significant other.
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I think it's a cave man kinda natural thing that some men have not learn to suppress for a monogamous relationship….that need to procreate with more than one female to produce more children…survival of the species so to say….cuz it can't be just they need to have sex bc you can get that from one woman….if I want oranges and I have an orange tree in my back yard why the hell would I go find another orange tree unless I thought those oranges were better than my oranges? Which brings me to my next point….some men are just way to damn greedy….I wanna try all the pussies of the world!!!!…it's like ice cream to them or somethin…asses need to pick one and stick with it otherwise you got a whole mess of flavors and you don't even know what you eatin and thats when you realize the girl you're having sex with is a tranny…With that said, why I wouldnt incourage my man or any man to cheat:
1. Gone fuck around get another bitch pregnant and gotta pay child support…thats my gyat damn money.
2. Women by nature (I think) are very possessive….now you got more than one woman wanting you exclusively….. MINE!
3. You really tryna pay for multiple women? even for one night, you gonna have to buy at least a drink or a chicken wing or some damn popcorn…you aint jayz…you got a mc hammer pocket book
4. Women are known to be drama creators…it's like it's in our blood or something…if its not there….we make it appear….BAM! tires slashed…car keyed
5. Trojan is not an armored tank around your dick…just like it won't stop babies it ain't gone stop the herp. 6. You gone end up broke…it's inevitable….tryna juggle a job, house, bills, car payment, wife payment, ho payment, child payment…stressin ya ass out, can't focus at work, boss say you a piece shit… FIRED!!! Bottom line is men need to limit the amount of women in their life…it's never gonna be that perfect scenario in your head….get that shit out of your head now….we're like an apocalypse in numbers but only a thunderstorm on our own…..word to the wise don't let hard dick run your life…. he's about as destructive as we are… P.S I hope my ramblings are a valued input….lololol
The article is spot on! Like it or not MOST men are going to cheat. LOVE has nothing to do with it. I don’t care how much you love a woman, at some point sex with her will begin to lose it luster. My theory is after 1000 times it better be more than just sex cuz once you use up those thousand it’s a wrap. Women do cheat as well but most times it’s out of revenge! Most women are not looking to just share the twizzat with everyone. If they were they wouldn’t look at those that do and call them “ho’s”!
Scorned women or those with some emotional issues cheat. Men are WIRED to “be fruitful and multiply”…. How many wives and concubines did men have during the old testament days? But they want to hold the MODERN man to a different standard when the wiring is STILL the same. The moral of the story is…. You can be naive and think most men are faithful. If they are it’s pure suppression not a natural thing!
I want you to really think about this “Giz, I love you so much but I want to have sex with other people because it is in my genes. It is not in your genes though, so you cannot cheat. But you have to be okay with it, because that is just how nature is.” Could you love someone who tells you that? Just curious.
Giz you have clearly never really ‘loved’ anyone in your life. the term ‘love’ really gets thrown around left right and center in modern society therefore confusing individuals like yourself to its actual meaning. Equating your other half to a parent -like figure (that you may or may not have missed out on) does not actually mean that you love them. Basically it demonstrates that you are heavily dependent on and using said female as a safety net in case that nobody else will want to ‘adopt’ you later in life. By doing this you are essentially insuring yourself for life by latching on to a woman who is willing to act as a second mother (with the occasional sexual favour you may ask of her thrown in), while her ‘little boy’ goes out and has sex with as many ‘hos’ (your words not mine) as would fit on his lustful member. Then after the party is over he can return home to a nice warm broth, home made cookies and ‘mummy’ happily washing his sperm stained pants. In short you have the classic Madonna-Whore complex
I am also sorry to break this to you. But men and women essentially have the same desires. The only reason that women in the caveman times tended not to screw around was because most were pregnat for most of their lives therefore simply physically unable to perform such activities. But esdentially, believe it or not we all want sexual gratification. the difference between a modern human being and a neanderthal is that we can actually use our brains instead of focusing on the call of our genetalia.
Believe me or not but women like to rub two pieces of meat together just as much as men do and a womans motivation to cheat may have jack all to do with ‘revenge’ (as comforting as that may be to you), it may simply be that she just doesnt love you enough not to give in to her sexual desire. The same applies to the male species and no ammount of screamig about how its ‘only natural’ for one sex to bang everything in sight, it will almost always mean that one party couldnt give a rats ass enough not to allow their genetalia to take center stage.
bullsh*t. if you want to cheat then stay single. i wonder if men would feel the same way if women did the same thing. if you wanna dick around stay single.
When I first heard this argument, I was struck by the lengths that some man would go to in order to justify what can very plainly and simply be summed up with one clear explanation:
POOR IMPULSE CONTROL.
Why do men cheat? Because they don’t control themselves. And why don’t they control themselves? Because they can get away with it. It’s not rocket science, and it doesn’t take a Ph D level analysis to uncover this plain and simple truth. The notion that somehow males are wired to constantly go after meaningless and emotionally detached sexual encounters with different women is a LAME excuse to cover up and justify irresponsible, weak, and childish behavior by boys who shouldn’t have the nerve to call themselves men. The discussion should be of “why boys cheat.”
For more on this and other topics visit A Woman's Revelation: http://www.awomansrevelation.com
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Yes Alicia you took the words right out of my mouth. We are all humans with human brains, not low amimals (not that there are no monogamous animals my cat had a long term bf lol and swans are notoriously monogamous). There is no excuse for a grown up human being to do such things while in a comited relationship.
I definitely believe that there are different aspects of cheating and that cheating doesn't mean that someone doesn't love you. It depends on the circumstances whether or not I would leave someone who cheated. However, the problem (other than the obvious one concerning monogamy) is: how can we tell if the affair was just physical? Seeing as how he lied about the affair to begin with it is very probable that he will lie about his motives for having the affair. Discovering someone has cheated gets rid of trust instantly. You feel as if you can't believe anything they say.
As far as LETTING them cheat there's even less security in that than in a traditional relationship. How do you ensure that feelings don't develop? In traditional relationships we are more conscious of the situations we put ourselves in to prevent the formation of unwanted feelings. But how can you do that with recreational sex? I understand that he won't be attached to every girl but it only takes one…
I love this article and believe in it 100%! As a woman I agree it is OK for a man to cheat and come back to you but not the other way around. Nature made it that way, "One male with many females".
Girl you trippin' Hard
lol masquerading as a woman, eh? haha
Wait so keep letting him cheat? Or let him cheat and he learns his lesson and grow from it?
Many of you ask yourself, what if i had the password of my friend / girlfriend / boyfriend, associate, life partner to know the truth about your near partner, and reassuring that they do not hide you something.
You have the right to be reasured !
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I HAVE THE SOLUTION: Let’s come up with another type of relationship title like “Sortofship” This way men and women who want to love each other but have sex with other people can be together. They can leave a relationship for those who want a relationship that is monogamous.
Men, could you really handle your woman sleeping with someone else? If so, then a sortofship might be perfect If yes, then I am sorry but double standards do not work for most women. Just because there has been research stating that men are more visual and horny does not mean they do not have a choice. If you do not think you can be loyal, do not tell the person you love that you can be loyal.
Do you really love them if you are willingly lying and hurting them? By all means have a sortofship, but be honest about it.
Sorry but you can not have your cake and eat it too, unless you want to lie and hurt the person you claim you love.
Pretty simple really.
Oh yet another ‘scientific’ study depicting men as low animals that cannot control their urges and therefore must sleep around. Realy does anyone actually believe this trite? Ridiculous to think that anyone who ‘loves’ someone can do such a thing. Its always justified as saying that cheating seems awful to women because of all the ’emotional’ side of it. Well in my opinion screwing some harlot just for the instant gratification it will bring to your genetal region is even worse than forming an emotional bond. To risk your relationship just for the sensation of having two pieces of meat rub together is truly sickening.
"throwing away a marriage rich in history and love, upsetting their kids’ lives — over something like sex."
i have huge problems with that statement. the doctor doesnt even realize that he turns the guilt on the wrong party. you should say that to the CHEATER. why does the cheater throw away the marriage over something like that? why does the cheat hurt and disrespect their SO over something like sex?
im a man by the way and i dont think you can justify aynthing by saying its natural. if i cheat on my gf and tell her "its natural" behaviour" she can get a gun and kill me in a rage of jealousy, thats also "natural behaviour"
we are better than that, we are not mindless animals.
cheating nowadays is so much worse because we can pick our partners and are not forced to marry someone our parents set us up with. the growing number of STDs are also a factor, how could it be ever ok to infect your parnter with an STD just because you wanted some five minutes of fuc***?