Home Featured 5 Things That Make Sexy Moments Unsexy

5 Things That Make Sexy Moments Unsexy

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*Raspy Chuckle* That was funny wasn't it?

Good sex makes for great stories. Bad sex makes for even better ones… unless you’re the person telling them.

There’s always satisfaction and humor found in the unfortunate occurrences that happen to others. In this case, they also make you think of your own erotic escapades.  Even when you hear about people upside inside out living mediocre loinal la vida loca, you probably toss a penny in the mall pond and wish for better days, hours, or seconds. I don’t blame you. I just lost 30 seconds thinking about 60 minutes. No CBS. Yes. S-E-X.

But sometimes, the funny, weird, and mundane stories of others make us think about our own. We think about the good, the bad and the blah. We think about the awkward and unsexy moments that we’ve conquered for the greater sleep or took back to the Google doc to evaluate while not doing work at work.

With that said, here are five things that cause us to stumble out the blocks or press pause on the panini.

The Room Is Dark and the Breath Is Hot

Hot breath sex is the best and worst part of waking up. It’s great because you’re about to perk up your day, but it’s bad because you can’t say sh*t unless you’re literally talking to the side. Even the kisses are pasty. And there you are holding your collective breath trying to avoid turning each other into skeletons. Nobody wants to feel like they’re making love to Scorpion. But by all means since you’re doing it…

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FINISH HIM!

Yes, he should finish you too. If he doesn’t already know how, mumble your magic code , let go and let his face have its way.

Animal Jambalaya

It’s getting hot in the bedroom and curious pug wants to know why. Dogs always smell a situation and need to go investigate. Nine times out of ten this is a good thing. But that one time…that one time! It’s not — particularly if homie has allergies.

Do you know how frustrating it is to have to pop a benadryl during sex because Lassie decided she wanted to turn a grand performance into a menage a nope? All it takes is a little bit of dander and thumping with ease becomes pumping with wheeze…and hives. There’s no country for hives in the bedroom.

The Tube

Sometimes you’re in the mix and the remote is 13 piece lengths away. I know that this could range from a stubby arm reach to average human steps. But that’s not the point. The point is he’s in between putting on the c and entering the precious p. You ignore it… and then Hoarders comes on. What better way to turn hot love into pre-cooked shrink and dry? Granted, you could just turn the TV off but everybody hates disrupted fux. Thats how condoms get lost in couch crevices and children incubate in wombs.

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Nah. Chill.

 

Phone Calls from Mommy Dearest

I don’t care how old you are or if your Facebook status says happily and arrogantly married. Nothing makes you guilty about pleasure like mother’s intuition interrupting coitus. This is the main reason I got rid of my landline and answering machine. I don’t wanna hear a message from mom and spend the time letting my neighbors know my name thinking “I need to call mum after this.”  She already knows everything and her call is just a reminder. I don’t wanna look up and see her transparent head floating in the corner of my room with her glasses perched on the bottom of her nose.

Creatures

When you’re in the middle of playing pokey and you’re all in, what do you do when you see a spider or worse crip-crawling up the wall? If you do nothing, it disappears in the time it takes yall to transition. If you squash it, you’re grossed. But yo, if you pay it no mind, you’re too used to creatures and need to move. I wonder how many spiders we’ve eaten because we chose the blue pill? Nah, not that one.

These are just five things that cause hiccups during smooth operating. Whatever the case, pick up some protection, Allegra, not your phone, and be safe out there. Have a great weekend!

See Also:  ***Commenter Peace Day***

What are some of the additions you’d make to this list? “Hypothetical” situations and scenarios? You know the drill. 

Happy Pumpings,

Comment(84)

  1. Wow Slim! This is some list. The pictures you selected had me crackin up while I was reading.

    That hot breath is no fun…it's definitely a challenge. It almost turns into a contest to see who can hold their breath the longest…talk about an interesting experience. lol

    I'm glad I've never experienced the Animal Jambalaya. That seems like something that will give you nightmares for days…especially depending on how the doggie decided to join in the groove.

    Why do I get the feeling that 'The Tube' has happened to you a few times?! LOL! Hoarders, though?! That has to be an instant mood killa.

    People gotta get rid of the answering machines. Let the voicemail do all the work. If you gotta hear mom's voice…let it be after the fact…during JUST AIN'T RIGHT!

    Creatures could be a dealbreaker if someone is terrified of it. It could transform the performance of a lifetime into the worst embarrassment ever!

    Only thing I can think to add to the list is inconsiderate roommates. They can put an end to a good time faster than Usain Bolt can cross a finish line…especially if they are bitter and jealous cuz they haven't gotten any 'gud-gud' in a minute.
    My recent post My Psycho Jealous Woman Caused Me to Stop Washing My Azz

  2. This list is funny..but its never happened to me..I would say my biggest one would be my son waking up(if he’s home) and knocking on my door or calling my name…can’t ignore that one..throws everything off..

    1. Crickets. ESPECIALLY when you can't see where they are but you can hear them. You thinking oh damn there's a cricket. Imma play cool I can ignore it….wait it was over there now it sounds like it's over here. You trying to maintain your rythym riding looking around the room like, let me find this mutha…. moving the covers around and stuff. I HATE CRICKETS!

  3. This is moreso a sub-category to the tube entry, but nothing kills the mood faster than having the TV on in the background and a Law and Order SVU rerun comes on in the background. Know how you can play Al Green in the background and it enhances things? Well, SVU is like the polar opposite of that, from the intro on down to the drama of Stabler and Benson’s escapades. I’ll never make the mistake of leaving SVU on again, that’s for sure.

        1. Bad aim can cover a few scenarios.
          Sometimes you go in for the kiss but if it's dark in the room you might miss. Chip a tooth on somebody's clavicle.
          Sometimes dude might try to go in and miss. Bruise up your leg or eye or something.
          Or if they try to nut on your cheek and they miss and get it up your nose or in your eye or something.
          Sometimes I might try to spit on it and miss. Got my man in the eye once. Don't spit in the dark.

    1. When she's on top you keep your hands on her hips. That way you pretty much control her range of motions. Unless she has your hands pinned up over your head and such, in which case you say, "I'mma need you to roll that donkey booty 2 inches south, thank ya kindly."

  4. This is a hilarious post.

    I know all too well about the hot breathe in the morning. My wife ain’t even looking at me till we both brush our teeth. Now as for the phone, gotta disagree……in part. It isn’t sexy to get a phone call during the act but it damn sure is fun. Mid deep stroke or better yet when your face is in it. Then she gets a phone call she gotta take. I make it my mission to get her stuttering, stammering and with all manner of voice inflections while she tries to get through the conversation. She batting me in the head or chest trying to get me to stop but knowing she doesn’t really want me too. She gets off the phone to tell me how bad or evil I am for that. I chuckle with a devilish grin before we continue. That ish is fun to me. Hell….it ain’t my mother, father, family or friend on the phone lol.

  5. 1. Put God first. Put toothpaste second. I always will brush before i even think about doing something If she hasnt yet i’ll try n be subtle try to go for a forehead kiss or if i can hit it in the morning then ima tear a neck up just to make sure she dont try to kiss hot fire.

    2. I’m not a dog person. At all. I remember this one girl had like a wolf dog and its like i could never get in the mood cuz i was like half afraid of the wolf. I would get in what i could while it was out or sleeping but when it was there i was the most well behaved dude.

    3. I have to turn the tv off or to a music channel because i have a habit of listening to it during sexy time. Nothing like crackin a smirk at something you hear on Family Guy n she giving you that look like “ninja do u not realize what you’re in right now n u laughing at tv”

    4. It could be anyone, theres just something about a missed phone call that makes you curious.

    5. I’m too done after that spider question.

    Honorable Mentions

    6. Charlie Horses- Sometimes they mild and i can try and go thru it #clutchgene but sometimes you just gotta call a timeout especially those ones in the back of ya knee when you tryna Daishiki.

    7. Spills- If its her crib *Ye shrug*. But me if something spills or falls over i’ma care. Ignoring spills and messes is how u end up with #5 in the first place.

    8. Sleepiness- I touched on this on Wis post the other day. If im tired then its a no go.

  6. lol funny post. quick story.

    i remember one time i was dog sitting for a friend. she has a toy poodle. i was getting it in and i guess her dog thought that i was hurting her so he kept barking at us. seriously growling like if you don't leave her alone i'll bite you. i was interrupted mid stroke and had to put the dog out the room and close the door. this particular woman was a screamer so the dog just cockblocked from outside the door. smh

    i told my friend about it when she picked up her dog. i lied and told her i put her dog in the oven. lol
    My recent post You know we keep that white girl, Christina Aguilera…

  7. LMBO

    – Seeing Red/too wet
    – having to pee or poop
    – abdominal cramp
    – excessive heat
    – excessive sweat
    – hearing children
    – music skipping "alwaaaaays…waaaaaays…waaaaaaays" #thebestman lol
    – not quite remembering whether or not you took your 'pill' that day… "did I…I'm think I…hold up…"
    – a bad cold…nose dripping…excessive coughing…tissue in the nose
    – the headboard bang is waaaay too aggressive
    – kissing body parts and tasting powder/perfume/cologne

    1. lmao! That bad cold one is real!

      How about scratching your eye or trying to get something out of it? My hubs is like every.freaking.time you got to mess with that same eye…..

  8. Women with kids that can't take they a$$es to sleep. Walking into the room in the middle of the night, rubbing their eyes, talking about "mama, I can't sleep!" Now my 230-pound self is trying to hide behind her under the covers, hoping the darkness is enough to conceal me. I never wanted to hit a four-year old kid before in my life until then.

    1. I'm going to have to co-sign Hugh. Actually, TO THIS VERY DAY, I still feel guilt ridden about this one woman I was chopping down back in the day. She had a daughter who was like 3 or so and she had "put her to bed" in the other room. We're in the living room doing what grown folks do when I SWEAR I saw this little 3-year-old face in the corner of the doorway like O_o but when I blinked and looked again she was gone. She straight little 3-year-old phantom ghost paranormal activity'd a brotha…and the really sad part is….

      ( ._.)

      I didnt stop.

      Still haunts me to this day. I'ma send up a few more hail marry's to baby Jesus on that one. Sad times bro….sad times….
      My recent post Someone Like You

      1. "She straight little 3-year-old phantom ghost paranormal activity'd a brotha"

        …and the really sad part is….

        ( ._.)

        I didnt stop.

        *Too Weak* lmboooooooooo

        I ain't mad at cha.

        bwahaaaaaaa

    2. !!!!! Man…smh. I had a similar experience….5 year old kid done come barge in the room hella early in the morning and I'm scrambling to get under the cover. Mom is in the bathroom at the time. Kid didn't even feel concerned…just sat on the bed. Mom finally yelled to get out, smh.

      I remember another time we're getting ready to horizontal polking it up in the middle of the living room. I'm like, "Uh…what about your kids…what if they wake up?" She's just like, "Nah, don't worry about it…once their sleep their pretty much sleep…" Maaaannnn….now the kid never came out, but I'll tell you I was nervous then a mug. Not focusing and ish, lol. Just thinking how is it going to effect the kid if she sees her mom's a$$ all up in the air. How do you explain thaaaat? lol

  9. I'm CTFU laughin @ MadScientist and Tristan's dog stories! And especially the one about laughin at Family Guy during sex! I can relate lol I was gettin taken care of orally once during college and happened to glance over at the TV and start laughin (don't even remember what show was on). Didn't kill the mood for me, but she got a lil offended and started questioning my appreciation of her services. Luckily I was able to convince her that I was enjoying it (cause I was enjoying both to be honest), but I almost f*cked everythung up lol

    But gas is certainly the anti-aphrodisiac though. Other than that I got nothing new to add lol

    1. Gotta agree on the TV – I need your eyes to be crossed if I'm blessing the mic. No [email protected] TV watching punk. Me just hearing TV in the background though? No prob, trust I'm not interested in that plot one bit.

      1. I have laughed while I was performing my gf duties. Dude was laughing too. It was just too funny. Just caught me off guard and I heard it and had to laugh with my mouth full.

  10. LOL at the dog stories…

    My furbabies are good for the most part, except for that one time — LOL– but they respect mommy's chexy time.. they just be chillin on the edge of the bed playing with their chew toys.

  11. LOL at the pics to this post. that sad face keeps cracking me up. lol

    i never thought about the dog thing. that's funny. i want toy poodle/peke (peekapoo) and they're pretty feisty, so i guess i'd just have to put him or her out of the room during sexytime. that's hilarious.

    i'd say… a cramp. a leg or side cramp in the middle of rocking someone's world is so unsexy. happens though. lol
    My recent post Sleepy’s: Where Racism Happens

  12. I forgot a good one…

    "NOT YET!"

    If it takes too long, that climax be like, "Fine. You don't want me? I'll leave."

    LOL.

  13. – Co-sign the Charlie Horse (Claire, Claire, ma leg, Claire ma leg!)
    – Broken/bent furniture
    – Losing balance/falling
    – Too enthusiastic with giving dome, throwing up
    – allergy season, drippy nose
    – Had something rich/spicy for dinner…farts from hell
    – Thought the kids were asleep, they're standing at the baby gate watching errythang

    1. "Too enthusiastic with giving dome, throwing up"

      Dang Tef goes hard in the paint…. I've thrown up after but not during.

    2. God I love you two! lol

      You are too right on "Had something rich/spicy for dinner…farts from hell " never had it happen, but if it did, it'd def dampen the mood.

      Drippy nose is not sexy but again, it's not stoppin anything and throwing up sucks too, but now that you've emptied your tummy…you NEED to finish and get you some sustenece 😉

  14. I guess it's just been too long for me – cuz ain't none of those things stopping the show!!

    What spider? #GetOnYourJob

    😉

    1. Starita: "What spider? #GetOnYourJob"

      This is why you're my e-boo. No arachnid is going to stop me. Spider Man himself couldn't.

  15. Loosing balance/Falling.

    I think it depends on your sense of humor with this one. I lost my balance once and fell off the couch while I was on top and I distinctly remember screaming out, oh sh*t, catch me lol. Needless to say he was too late and I fell on the floor, TILED FLOOR mind you. SMH

    We chuckled for a bit and kept it moving… (take that however you want)

        1. Oh there are a couple of positions I can imagine but I'm just too clumsy. Hell I fell down the stairs yesterday just trying to walk down them mugs.

  16. And what's wrong with mommy dearest calling??? I love my mama…. LMAO!!!! She better get with the program. When mama calls, all business stops… THAT'S MY MAMA!!!!

  17. Y'all forgot some…

    1. Too much alcohol – This can go either way for dudes. Either you can't get it up, or you can't finish. You can be pumping until the Bills win the Superbowl or the Cubs win the pennant and it won't work.

    2. You ever got your foot stuck trying to take off your underwear? Embarrassing… man this happened to me in a split double freshman year and the whole night ended with me hopping around and her busting out laughing.

    3. Ain't nobody say nothing about finding out you ain't got a condom…. i'm judging. Ah whatever, live fast, die young.

    4. One of the most intimate moments of the evening is once the deed is done, but here's what you don't want to hear — "Nah, i'm not on birth control." or "I think the condom broke" or "I think you need to go get Plan B" or "HPV?! That's not a big deal, it only lasts for 6 months." or "What you bout to do after this?"

    5. This is my personal pet peeve. Those chicks who try and eliminate all chance of light. They close the blinds, curtains, closet doors, they cuss out the moon, make sure ain't no lights on in the crib, the VCR and cable box is turned off and ain't no cell phone notification lights buzzing… mind you its like 1AM, but they don't want no part of any light. Then you just in the dark like Jonah, just waiting for some sh*t to go down.

    1. Literally just laughed til tears streamed down my face at this comment, LMAO! Number 5 tho??? That's doin too much…most women prefer mood lighting, but when you gotta feel around like you in the middle of a blackout? Its a problem.

  18. All yall stories are freakin hilarious….I try to be too cool to have embarrassing stuff like that happen…..lol
    The charlie horses definitely happen to me sometimes…..I rarely stop and afterward be in so much pain I wanna cry. Dudes need to learn how to massage em out really good.
    I have a funny first time story. Was a senior in high-school and had a college boyfriend.
    At his dorm room doin the damn thing and in the middle of it he has a damn asthma attack and no inhaler because he left it at home……Can you say flippin the Fu** Out trying to find a small lunch size paper back for this kneegro to try to breathe into and being scared as hell thinking, "if this dude dies it will be soooo embarrassing to tell his family how it happened."
    He was ok and we laughed about it later. Once he was able to "breathe again" he wanted to get right back to it but I was too scared and was like hell to the no……we gotta reschedule this for another time when you got that damn inhaler at ya fingertips bruh…..lol

  19. The hot breath is a real mood killer. Can't take it. A few years ago when living with my then boyfriend I had a tiny bottle of industrial strength breath freshener on the nightstand for those mornings when you just can't be bothered to drag your ass to the bathroom before getting down to business.
    My recent post Las llaves

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