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Do Men Think About Their Wedding Day?

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I saw the homie Anslem's pics (check out www.theloversrocque.com) and it made me think.

I’ll be honest with you. I haven’t given too much thought to the overall wedding process. It’s always been one of those things that I knew I’d experience when the time was right, but I haven’t fantasized about what it’ll be like to take a knee and ask her to trust me with the rest of her life, or how I’ll be as a husband when it’s all said and done. I’m kinda scared. Not in a sh*t my pants sort of way. But more so, the “will I be a better man than I am today,” and “will I meet all the expectations she’s had in her head but never confessed” sorta way. The easy and reassuring answer for you to offer me is “You’ll mature. You’ll be ready.” I know what I’m supposed to do, but I also know who I am. Sometimes those things don’t jive.

My sense of humor will always be raunchy. My love for all things scientifically fictional like Fringe will remain. My desire to eat fried when I should be eating fiber will triumph. My ability to shut down and go emotionless will always be my mutant ability. I don’t know what obstacles will pop up along the way and prove to be the true test of the man that’s evolved to the point of lifelong commitment. I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold back my Pisces nature. For real though, I’m less concerned about my ability to raise my kids than my ability to keep it G on the altar. Some sh*t is just too beautiful for dry eyes.

One thing I’ve thought about more, but continues to give me heartburn, is the thought of my wedding day. Yeah, I think about it. I don’t think about her throwing flowers over her head or me tossing something in the air that dictates the next chosen one. But I do think about what that day will be like. I think about who’ll be there, and if I’ll secretly vomit or have a seat on the porcelain before walking out head held high and eyes real dry. And though I haven’t thought too much about marriage in the past (lying), there are a few things I’m still mulling over in my head today.

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How Willl the Japanese Handle It if I End Up Marrying Bridezilla?

In the midst of a cookie-baking, confidential, “I’m listening to every word you say” session at work, a coworker shared with me all the frustrations of preparing for her upcoming wedding. She wasn’t Bridezilla, but her mother was. And even though the conversation wasn’t about me, I couldn’t help but have a moment of selfishness.

I don’t mean this the wrong way, but some chicks are like gremlins. Never give them a ring after dark, otherwise you’ll see them turn into something unfathomable.

As supportive as I can be, I can’t help but think about being engaged and having to weather the storm that’s my soon to be wife…who’s currently living in reptilian flesh. How will I handle her fits, demands, complaints, stories about dresses without showing me any of the dresses, and tense phone calls while I’m watching the Knicks strive to get to the NBA finals? I’ve seen every inch of her from head to toe, front, back, and side to side…while she was 5’4 to 5’9. But what happens when she’s 280’2?  How supportive and tolerant will/can I be? Ahhhh, the agony!

Who Will Be the Best Man and Who Will Be the Groomsmen?

I don’t have any childhood friends. Of course this is making the assumption that I’m considering people that I did hoodrat things with when I was under twelve. I have a couple cousins that I keep in contact with to this day. But other than that, all I have from my childhood is Facebook. And when I’m scrolling through pictures, timelines, and status updates from people that have found me despite my best attempts to hide (eff you, privacy settings), I can say that none of them will be in my wedding.

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The greatest friendships and hetero relationships I’ve established have been in college + 1. I’ve got one friend from high school that had me in his wedding and continues to reach out to me to this day. I sucked at keeping in touch, but I can see having him there. Everyone else, for the most part, is up in the air. Wait. How many groomsmen can I have? There’s no limit? Oh okay. Then I guess I’ll have 11 dudes up there because I don’t wanna offend anybody. Trying to collect all those suit measurements from tardy negroes though…eh. I guess I’ll have to be Manzilla.

Will My Mother Be There to See It?

My mom never pressures me about marriage or having grandkids. My youngest nephew has kept her occupied and kept me jealous. But her not pressuring or reminding me to make good use of my DNA doesn’t mean I don’t think about having her at my wedding. I’d love for my dad to be there too, but there’s nothing I can do about that. All I can do is look up to the sky and thank him for living the lessons that he didn’t know he taught.

But momma…it’s a different story. I see her giving me and my wife a hug. I see her recalling stories of embarrasing years past. I see her being happy having had the opportunity to see all of her children get married.

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She didn’t work hard for me to flounder on the beach of deferred dreams. She worked hard to turn me into a man that’s confident in his ability to take care of one woman for the rest of her life. She needs to see that her hard work paid off. I’m doing my best to not have it any other way sans rash decisions. In the mean time, I’ll keep thinking, dreaming, and anticipating. I’m sure it’ll end up better than I ever could’ve imagined.

I could talk about my questions on being a good father, but that’s a different post in itself. What are your thoughts? Do you know who you’ll have there if/when the day arrives? Do you think about how you’ll handle it? If you been through it already, what were your thoughts? All other comments are welcome!

Nah Chill. The Kiss Won’t Begin with Kay,

 

Comment(97)

  1. i think about my wedding day. a lot more recently.

    i think about who she's going to be.

    i wonder who will be my best man and who will be my groomsmen. there definitely will be some hurt feelings. i have 4 really close friends, 3 brothers and 6 line brothers. some cuts will be made.

    i think about if i want a large wedding or a small wedding.

    i actually want two ceremonies. a traditional nigerian wedding and a traditional american wedding.
    My recent post All Black Everything

    1. "i think about who she's going to be. "

      +1. That's my biggest concern (and I seem to pray about it more frequently). b/c I kinda want to only walk down the aisle once. lol. I do wonder if I would recognize her when she comes into my life (or she already has idk). I really think I might be more scared about missing the opportunity to be with her. Da**it Slim got me thinking. lol.

    2. I wanna have an Igbo wedding and an American wedding too. I also have way too many ladies to be in my wedding between friends, fam and sorors. My solution is to put some people in my Igba Nkwu and some in the American wedding. Nobody has to get left out
      My recent post bleep bleep mutha-bleep

    3. here here to nigerian weddings! can't wait for min..uh, i already know that my dress will be white lace from sweden lol

      small weddings don't exist in the nigerian vocabulary.

  2. Not going to lie and say I haven’t thought about it. I haven’t come up with anything concrete yet from the proposal to the actual day itself. Good thing I have time. Like most things I just don’t want to screw it up because the last relatonship ended in an ultimatum which I promptly refused so I still ponder from time to time. I can surely relate

  3. Didn’t think men cared about weddings.

    But my first thought is always who will be waiting for me at the alter.

    Will I actually have a wedding or just go to the justice of peace throw a cute reception and then have a fabulous honeymoon.

    I know my maid of honor will be my cousin and I’ll probably have 3 bridesmaid or 4 .

    I just hope our families get along and none of his exes show up with a family member who though it would be cool to bring the ex as a plus one

  4. I think about my wedding day. I have 3 sisters, so that's my matron of honor and bridesmaids. I would love a smaller wedding, only about 100 of our closest friends and family. I want the guestlist to consist of those people who not only supported us individually, but who also supported our relationship. For those were there in the beginning, I want them there at the culmination of our relationship, our spiritual and legal union. And I can't imagine that being over 100 people. Sorry, my former pastor, 2nd grade teacher, nor my mom's sorority sister will be invited.

    Lately, I've thought about my father, and whether he would be able to walk me down the aisle, or if I would push him down the aisle in a pimped out wheelchair. And, sometimes, I think "what if he's not here to see it?" I don't like to think about that. Instead, I just pray for the best, and give thanks that he's here now.

    I'm too laid back to be a bridezilla. The plan is to have it a winery, and let them take care of all the details. All I have to do is get a dress and do my hair. lol.

  5. I don't think I've honestly ever thought about my wedding or my wedding day. I think about my wife-to-be all the time. The frequency usually depends on my relationship status but of all those times I can safely say I've never asked myself:

    Will My Mother Be There to See It?

    And now I feel some type of way thinking about that…

    *exits*

    My recent post Someone Like You

    1. Yeah…the older we get, the older they get.

      The parentals are getting up there. My Mom's going on 54…and complaining about her knees. My grands are all in their 70's now. The reality of what that means is frightening to say the least. (-_-)

        1. Yup…she was going on 23 when she had me. My Mom doesn't trip off of her age…and doesn't hang out on the internets sooooo…my booty is safe, lol. None of my parentals are in their 60's yet.

        2. Yo my hub's dad is about to turn 65 in a few days and his mom is just a couple of years behind him! I thought that was old for people our age to have parents that age. My dad is about to be 55 this year. I have no clue how old my mom is. How many brothers and sisters do you have? Were you the last of the litter? My hubs was. Maybe that's why it seems old.

        3. Wow.. Sorry to hear about you dad and don't worry your mom will hang in there. I guess it's just hard for me to imagine because I wouldn't want to go through pregnancy that late in life. But you've given me something to think about. Sometimes I wonder if I would want my mom to be there if I ever have a wedding but it'd be different if she COULDN'T be there. I was upset enough that she didn't come to my graduation.

        4. I THINK you were talking to me krys. Anyway, I have one sister. She's ….older. lol I'm not saying her age either. I honestly have no clue how hold my mom or my sister is considering they've both been lying about it for I dont know how many years. I THINK I know how old my sister is but God only really knows. I was indeed the last of the litter. My folks didnt even get married until their 30s, which for their time was actually pretty old. As I've spoken about before, my parents – whom have been married 30+ years – are actually the biggest proponents of me waiting. Although, as my nephew gets older I have noticed my mom has been giving me the side-eye about when (or if) she's going to get some more grandkids.

          *nervous laugh*

          My recent post New Video Blog: Sh*t Suburban Black Guys Say

        5. I wonder how different it is growing up with older parents vs. young parents. Like, I feel like I grew up with my Mom to a point. I remember who she was in her 20s…which, now that I'm 30, seems so young to me.

        6. Having experienced living with my mom and then grandma, I can tell ya the age gap is soooo obvious although I can't quite put my finger on all of why that is. When I moved in with my grandparents it was so so quiet (except for my grandpa's TV).

        7. I'm 24 and my parents are in their mid 60's and my mom has made the "joke" about not having the strength to be an active grandma if I don't pick up the pace in the dating game lol

          It actually makes me incredibly sad to think of either of my parents who will celebrate 30 yrs of marriage this year not being around to see me wed.

        8. Interesting question @cynicaloptmst8178 and I'm not sure. I can't speak for my parents. Also, being the second born and a son, I think I had the benefit of having more relaxed parents. I hear youre the most protective over the first born.

          I don't have any kids but relationship-wise I can definitely say I'm a more well-rounded person with age. I can't imagine a woman dealing with me in my 20s because I was a [Richard]. There are a few women I could have made it work with but, as you said, we would have had to "grow up" together. We're all still always evolving and maturing, I just imagine a relationship with me at that age would have just been additional strain. My father (and an older co-worker) have said age will allow me to be a better father – respective to self – just because I have a greater breadth of experience. I guess time will tell on that social experiment…

          My recent post New Video Blog: Sh*t Suburban Black Guys Say

    2. Well, I used to think about that, but 6 years ago that was taken off the table for me, so that can no longer be a concern for me. It would've been nice though.

    3. I'm 20 and my mom is 76,she adopted me in her 50's.Don't know my biological family,and all of her relatives have passed,so I have no other family.Her health has been declining since I was in my early teens and ever since,I silently pray,pleading with God to give me just a few more years with her.She always seems to make it through her ailments but as each year passes,that prayer becomes more and more out of reach.Like you I've also come to terms of not having my mom at my wedding,baby showers and Christmases.Too be honest,I feel like life has cheated me- for giving me issues those double my age have not yet lived.For forcing me to use wisdom I haven't learned yet,for making me responsible for taking care of another life when I'm just learning how to take care of myself,for having to be strong for my mom when I really need her to be strong for me,for having to make decisions I lack the experience to make,and most of all for the burden of knowing the only other outcome of this life I live now is being completely alone and fending for myself in this world when she's gone……….I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders.It's unnatural for a woman this young to have this many life lessons,hardships and heartaches under her belt already. And it's depressing.*Tears*

      1. Thanks for sharing allana. I definitely hope things work out for you and you are by no means alone. Unfortunately, many of us are dealing with or have already dealt the effects of our aging parents. Further, I plan to discuss the topic of adoption over on my personal site next week. Thank you for commenting and I hope we see you around again.

        My recent post Someone Like You

  6. Sincere beautiful post Mr.

    Childhood friends are hardly mandatory to invite to the wedding. I'd say rather invite the people that you cherish and that are a positive input in your life, who will share the happiness of your day with you. That's my plan, whenever that day comes.

    Whenever that day comes for you I have no doubt you will surprise yourself by manning up and just enjoying the day together with your lovely lady and the friends and family you have gathered.
    My recent post En sjuklings bekännelser

  7. As much as I enjoy being single, my goal age to be married has always been around 28. I feel as though I will be ready for marriage by then. I don't fret about being ready, because I look forward to having found and being able to spend the rest of my life with one woman. I really want that friendship…the companionship of being with a woman that still turns you on, but you all enjoy one another's company so much that everything isn't dependent on a sexual component.

    I look forward to a woman that gets all of my looks, who knows what Im saying when we're in a room full of people without me uttering a word.

    A woman that can make me smile. A woman wants that teaches and surprises me.

    A woman that I can adore as well as love. A woman with a humor as crude and crass as mine.

    A woman that can relieve my stress with a touch or look or whatever.

    Being single is cool, having options is cool, but having a forever or a complete compliment sounds even better.
    My recent post Make Her Thirst: How to Be a Male Tease in the Bedroom?

  8. I feel nauseous thinking about my wedding day. I feel lovey thinking about marriage, just not the wedding day. I don't like a lot of attention, and event planning ain't my thing. I'ma hire a wedding planner and be like, "just make it beautiful." Lol but I am excited about dancing… and maybe the dress.

    Thinking about my parents like that is difficult; that's like a motivation for me to get married and pop babies asap (not that I would rush into anything for that reason), but I really want my parents to see me get married and be grandparents.

    Nice post

  9. Its crazy because I use to say I wanted a "forever fiance" and just have my nieces and nephews as my children. I never dreamt of getting married nor was it encouraged but the older I get the more I think about my wedding, my marriage and life with my future family. I don't even want a fairy-tale wedding, just a beautiful emotion filled one.

    I don't see me being a bridezilla because it's going to be a very small intimate destination wedding. I've been blessed to still have my childhood friends so to keep the peace I'm thinking about either making them all matrons of honors and maids of honors or just have no bridal party at all. As long as they are there, It doesn't matter to me either way. I look forward to having my dad give me away and seeing my mom in the front row crying tears of joy.

  10. This is probably one of my favourite posts of yours. I haven't put much thought into it. I do know that, in true Nigerian tradition, it's likely some people will be there solely because of their friendship with my parents. That just reminded me that my mom would get upset when I spoke of paying for my wedding (which kinda contradicts what I said earlier, but I've only talked about it in loose monetary terms) because it's implying that she & my father won't be able to pay for it. I definitely wouldn't mind, but I don't like banking on others' money.

    For the longest time in my life, I didn't know what true friendship was. It didn't help that I was the type to pack up and leave an entire country behind without so much as a word to some. Now, I have at least two people that I can call my best friends, and other good friends that I can see at my wedding. One of them is an ex, and I hope my babe wouldn't take issue with it. I've joked about a destination wedding so I wouldn't have to worry about unwanteds making an appearance, but I don't think that'd be necessary. Whatever the case, I want a wedding planner because I don't intend to be stressed beyond reason.

    In somewhat related news, I saw a flash of a ring debate on my TL yesterday and was reminded that people make a big fuss over the price of the engagement ring. I spoke about it with a newly engaged friend earlier tonight as well. I'm picky with rings in general, and it's quite possible I could actually prefer something cheaper than what I've been presented with. Regardless of the price, I hope I like the one I get. If not, eh. I'll deal, or we could go looking for another in the same price range or below.

      1. Haha, you and your credit score will be aight. Was just talking to my boy and he was glad he'd gone looking at rings with her prior to proposing. That seems to be a popular alternative. Takes the surprise out of it, but it's practical.

  11. after i reached a certain age, and see more of my friends walking down that aisle, i thought about it more.
    not necessarily, the little things like engagement rings, who's going to be there, etc.

    i'm not too worried about the wedding, mainly because at heart, i'm a very laid back, non-worrysome guy..but because i see weddings as big celebrations that join together families, not some theatrical production starring/written/produced/directed by the bride (although she is the star of the show)

    moreso, who would be that bride…i wonder if she is a friend of mine now..i wonder if she'll be the one who can see through the mask i rock…the woman who i can finally relax around…i wonder whether i have kids…would my parents be around to see my kids…

    or if any of this would even happen…that's what i wonder about more.

    but eh…YOLO!

    good post bruh… *salute*

    1. "i wonder whether i have kids…would my parents be around to see my kids…"

      that line hit home as this crosses my mind ALL the time. I want my kids to enjoy their grandparents and all the awesome aunties and uncles who watched me grow up

      1. "I want my kids to enjoy their grandparents and all the awesome aunties and uncles who watched me grow up "

        yeah, that…considering that i never met my grandmothers (they died within a year of me being born)…considering that my mom and dad are over 65…
        yeah, i kinda want my kids to at have the ability to remember them with fondness, and not have to rely on pictures.

        *thought to myself – maybe i should videotape my parents, for posterity's sake*

        1. that's a good idea. Just be sure not to tell them why you're doing it lol.

          I only know my grandmother on my father's side. She's hilarious..told my ass to stop talking english that she don't speak the language of "oyinbo" (white folks). I wish i knew my other grandparents. I'd ask them so many questions.

          *sigh* the idea of my kids not knowing my mother and father kinda freaks me out.

  12. Wow it's so cool to know that men think about their wedding day too! Most would have you think they could care less.

    Similarly, I wonder if my parents will be there to see it, especially my dad for the daddy-daughter dance. That's the moment I think my dad and I will both cry our eyes out – him, because I'm no longer his responsibility lol and me because, well, it's my wedding day.

    My recent post Never Married

  13. After 1 failed wedding that had about as much excitement as a Katherine Heigl movie, I stopped considering it to be a big day. But now that I have the right woman, I find myself mentioning certain things to her about our wedding day to see what she thinks. I'll be proposing in a few weeks so I know the wedding talk will spike exponentially.

    Ultimately, I'd much rather have a small ceremony and a huge party/reception afterwards. I envision my wedding to be a very casual and relaxed atmosphere. So no place cards, no seating charts, no arguing over who can't sit at what table. Just an open bar, passed hor doevurs, and a dope DJ. All the small details that brides agonize over shouldn't even matter.
    My recent post 5 Guys That Should Represent Team USA in 2012

    1. My friend did something similar, although it wasn't "huge". It was very nice and relaxed, and the hors d'oeuvres were delish. Just for friends – no extended family, kids, etc.

    2. :"I'll be proposing in a few weeks so I know the wedding talk will spike exponentially."

      Awwwwwww…. Congratulations!!!!

      "Ultimately, I'd much rather have a small ceremony and a huge party/reception afterwards. I envision my wedding to be a very casual and relaxed atmosphere."

      Smart Man!!

      This how my wedding went down – we partied till the early AM — #Craziness

  14. I want to make sure I don’t get caught up in the hype (smile) of planning/having a wedding and then not be prepared (mentally, spiritually, emotionally) to be a good wife and best friend to my husband to be. I also think about who God made me for and how he is preparing me for him. My personal relationship with God is continuously growing. Pertaining to the bridesmaids, we will have to talk about that… I have been blessed w/ some great friends, sorority sisters, close family friends, etc. so hopefully no feelings will be hurt (smile). I like for things to be nice and in place, but on that day, I know I won’t have a problem keeping my eyes on the prize and that’s the thought of starting a new life with my best friend and the joys that all of our friends and family came to witness our love.

  15. We recently got engaged and it has produced TONS of family drama. All of those female cousins he supported, was there for and helped with their kids-can’t stand me. His Mom is having a hard time and my Mom passed 6 months ago and my Grandma a month ago so my entire family is holding onto our wedding day as a life preserver of happiness. I hear him constantly saying that he didn’t expect from people-probably because he never thought about it. He is in a Best Man conundrum. It is hilarious. We had no idea that us getting engaged would ignite all of this in OTHER people. He is into the planning and goes to meetings. I asked him why and he said he would rather hear first-hand than my translation LOL

  16. I don’t think much about my wedding day as I used to. Now I’d be happy getting married at the Justice of Peace on a Sunday as long as both our families are there. I often think the wedding is for other people though you bear the expense and the stress yourself. I’d rather spend the money on a really nice party for our friends and family after a simple ceremony so that everyone can wear jeans and be comfortable.
    I’ve been lucky to be a part and attend some beautiful weddings. It’s absolutely lovely to witness.
    I worry more about after the Big Day and the honeymoon phase. I worry that it won’t last. I worry that no precaution or sacrifice will guarantee the relationship will stand the test of time.
    Guess that’s where I’m at. This was a very endearing post, Slim.

  17. I think about it actually being married more than the actual wedding day. I would be happy to have a small ceremony and be done with it but weddings like the marriages the start should be a partnership.

    -Do you know who you’ll have there if/when the day arrives?

    No doubt Moneypenny and I have a plan in place for each other.
    I have all of my groomsmen and my best man picked out so that's no big deal.

    -Do you think about how you’ll handle it?
    Emotionally I can be a little stoic but if past history comes into play I'll be a mess. I just don't want to let the stress that stems from the lead up to the wedding to ruin the moment for us. One of my main concerns is that I really don't want any input from anyone's family, mine or her's as to how things should go. (It's our day.) I don't like to curse people I care about out but I will.

    My recent post The Post Red Tails Breakdown… Just Some Thoughts

  18. I always knew I’d get married but never really thought about it in detail until a few years ago when I was dating the person I thought I was going to marry. Since then my relationship with friends and family members have changed so I’ve gone from 11 bridesmaids to more like 7. The 11 bridesmaids was his Doug bc he talked about having alot of groomsmen. I wanted a NY wedding in the fall, he wanted a destination wedding in Barbados. He’s now engaged to someone else and is now getting married this fall. Funny how things turn out.
    I guess when a mas turns a certain age these things start occupying more space in his thoughts. I just hope when thinking about the day there’s more thought given to the type of partner you’re sharing this day with. The wedding day signifies the first day of the rest of your lives as a unit. That day will become a memory whereas that person will become your best friend, lover, and cheerleader. And men should look at themselves as being the leader, provider, and protector.

  19. Like Slim i have no idea who my best man/groomsmen will be. I have my hood friends, my coworker friends and my going out crew but i dont see any of em as best man material tho…i guess i’ll ask my brother who im not particularly close with but thats #familybusiness…aside from that its all on her (and her father who i expect to cut the check). Jusr tell me when to show up and where to stand.

  20. Before I got married I barely thought about the wedding, only when prompted by others or maybe TV. I did think about the bridesmaids though. My best friend & I promised to be each other's maid/matron of honor back in junior high. But she moved away in high school & we haven't kept in touch. Would it be right to ask Tef or Star or some of my other E-eoples to come all the way to Indianapolis to be in my wedding? Hm.
    We used to say we'd still have a wedding so I've given it more thought since getting married. I used to fret over the guest list more than anything else & that gives me a headache before I could even think about the actual details of the wedding.
    I think Most was right (dang it, *shakes fist*). I probably would rather have had a wedding instead of a honeymoon if I had to choose. It would have been nice to have one day be about us & our love instead of everybody else & to actually have a minister perform the ceremony instead of having to wait our turn after some dude received his sentencing. Plus that's the day you're supposed to be the most beautiful you'll ever be. When I think about that, I feel like I robbed myself a little bit.

    1. "Plus that's the day you're supposed to be the most beautiful you'll ever be."

      You know what's sad about that? I see so-called make-up experts ruining an otherwise gorgeous face all the time, in the name of wedding preparations. I'm not particularly adept at make-up application, but I sure will be applying my own foundation and whatnot that day. I'm sure I have at least one friend that can hook me up with any other little touches (ex: eyeshadow).

      1. You ain't never lied Naij. I was in a pageant back when I was 19 and I was so stoked to have my makeup professionally done. I looked like the hottest of messes! I'm light but somehow my face looked ashy. I didn't even realize how bad it was til I saw the pictures afterward. So I was up on that stage looking strong in the face. Smh.

        1. lol Poor thing. It's crazy, because I've seen how much some of them charge. Can't remember exact figures, but what I look like paying you to make me look a damn fool? Simply ridonculous.

  21. A love walk is made up of many steps and every step requires a decision.
    Truth be told, I would just be happy that someone would want to marry me…

  22. I would love to have a small wedding but being Ghanaian and my father being…my dad, the likelihood of that is slim to none.

    I actually havent really thought about my wedding at all compared to other women my age. When I think of my lifetime mate, most of my thoughts go towards what kind of father he will be. Like I hardly ever see him in the context of my husband, but as the father of my kids. They are the same person – def want to be married first then kids, but my perspective on him is always in the realm of the latter. No idea why, maybe because I've been blessed with an awesome dad ^_^.

    Bridesmaids will be the hardest decision in planning the entire thing. I have a TON of cousins, and we're all pretty close. Then my childhood friends who I've known since diapers and we're still tight. Then my line sisters…oh Lawd.

  23. I like this convo and where it's going. Thank you for the honesty (to the guys who commented, too).

    I was engaged once and what made me feel at ease was knowing that i could be emotionally free with him and he wouldn't judge, try to take advantage, manipulate or belittle.

    I see the wedding day and marriage like this: the person who you will walk down the aisle with is worth every bit of erratic and illogical emotion you and her will feel on that day and afterwards. The return of being emotionally free is greater than the risk of being emotionally locked up. We all want someone who we can be emotionally naked around..it's what allows us to live better lives, in my opinion. We just have to work at finding the right person to whom we can trust our feelings with. Like you, i will shut down emotionally. In fact, a close friend called me out on it, recently and has challenged me to do better. I'm working hard on this so that when my groom comes, he'll feel safe with me.

    And my wedding will be typical nigerian multi-day throwdown–money spraying, Guiness and cheap wine, lots of colors and gold jewelry, and lots of fried chicken, rice, and plantains! 🙂

  24. Love LOVE this post, Slim.

    I went the 'justice of the peace' route the first time around. I intended to throw something on and go…because we would have a real wedding at the 10 year mark. But, a few days before, I had a meltdown, bought a box of perm, an outfit from Loehman's, my Mom (or was it grandma?) made me a bouquet, and that was that. He bought a suit…and cut his braids. I was 19…afraid and confused.

    Next time around, I want an intimate, personal wedding that personifies what we've built and how we'll maintain it. I'd like the ceremony and reception to be at one venue. Instead of a wedding party, those special people will probably have prime seating in the front at extra fancy tables. More than anything, I want to be present…taking in every moment with confidence because I know we've made the right decision.

  25. The weird thing is recently I'm having to change out nearly most of my former circle, so there's going to be a lot of vacancies opening up on my part, unless I just get all of my biological brothers to be my groomsmen (which I had considered a long time ago anyway as a possibility, but is closer to a certainty now).

  26. While I'm not close to marriage at all at the moment, I've had fleeting thoughts about it. And like you, I'm not closely in touch with my childhood friends. Honestly, I think my guest list (at least my side) would be pretty small. I've casually watched dress shows like "Say Yes To The Dress" and pointed out a few styles I'd probably like but no real detail. I did always say I wanted a beach wedding. With an orchid in my hair. Didn't want to spend too much on the wedding. Wanted a DOPE reception. Like… a PARTY. And I didn't want to spend too much where I couldn't go on a nice honeymoon. Because THAT's what I definitely wanna have money for.

    1. (ETA: Had to split up this comment into two)

      Out of all the little details, that one that sticks out to me the most is that my father won't be there to walk me down the aisle. But my mother's ex who has been a family friend for years (he was with me for most of my life, since I was a kid), I told him he would. Because he is like another father to me. That image is what sticks out to me the most along with the smile on my (now kinda faceless) future husband when he first sees me turn the corner toward the aisle.

      Like, I said, I have no idea when that day will be, but I look forward to it… unknowingly.

  27. Excellent post.

    As a mom, your child's wedding day is one of those milestone events you look forward too.

    My daughter is getting married in 2 months and the wedding planning is in full swing. My hearts pause is the fact that her fiance' just buried his mom last week. He expected her to be present at this joyous occasion. Talk about blindsided! As a mom, this is a very emotional time for me. I am so happy for them but also saddened that his mom won't get to share this moment with him.

    1. I don't think Imma make it thru every comment today without a tear dropping. I'm trying to man-up but…man.

      I am so sooo sorry. I don't know you or your fam but I can't even imagine how difficult that must be for him especially and those who care about him. I'm sure gaining a new, loving Mom will help with this transition.

  28. ugh, one thing that i always thinking about re: the wedding day is who is going to give me away. I get emotional thinking about it. I'm the only girl among my siblings and while im on good terms with my father, i'm just as close to my uncle and I can see him having a breakdown :/..damn..got me all mushy at work.

    *waves fist at slim*

    1. I think about that too. It's one of the biggest riddles about the whole wedding scheme for me. My childhood was complicated and while I don't feel like my dad is the best person to give me away, I feel like it would be disrespectful to not have him do so…if we ever have a wedding that is.

      1. "while I don't feel like my dad is the best person to give me away, I feel like it would be disrespectful to not have him do so"

        my sentiments exactly. I know my father wants to walk me down the aisle and i wouldnt want to hurt or disappoint him (regardless of our past)…i also dont want to be bothered about it for the rest of my life lol

    2. Yeah, my natural father is NOT…I repeat…is NOT walking me down any aisle. We cool and all…but that's a job the man who raised me has earned and I will NOT rob him of that moment.

      Hmph. Show or no show…but them's the plans, Dog.

        1. "You know you've got a really sweet face but you sho can get roofless!"

          Hey, when the time comes, I'll send a sweet letter as a heads up along with his invitation…I promise to be gentle.

          LOL

        2. Dear Daddy….
          You know I love you right? Man listen, this other dude is gonna walk me down the aisle. Don't think for a minute I won't shoot you if you try to get up and ruin my wedding day bruh. If you can't contain yourself just don't come. It's been real though.
          Alright, love you!
          Sincerely,
          C to the muthafuggin O
          PS If you forget to RSVP, don't expect a plate.

  29. I'm old, so I've been thinking about it more lately, but there are only two things I really think about.

    1. Groomsmen: My brother is the best man. I really only have two other close male friends that I would consider making groomsmen. I'm cool with a lot of people, but I wouldn't ask them to stand up with me on the big day.

    2. First dance music: This is more birthed out of being the slow-jam master in my younger days than a desire to get married. I definitely don't want to do something like the ubiquitous Eric Benet & Tamia Spend My Life. I tentatively narrowed it down to either Donny Hathaway and Roberta Flack's The Closer I Get To You or Con Funk Shun's Straight From the Heart.

  30. this post… aww. *clutches heart at this post and all the guys' comments* so sweet.

    i've always been the girl who didn't think much about marriage or the wedding. i just always saw white flowy attire, tropical atmosphere or sand, and a very small amount of people.

    now, i think about it a little more because it seems to be the go-to subject whenever a group of late-twenties women talk, but what i think about mostly is my father walking me down the aisle. at one point we weren't speaking and i used to get so emotional thinking about him not being there.

    i've seen one episode of bridezilla and they scare me. i will NOT be that chick. whew. i can be pretty firm when i need to make a point, but those women take it to the extreme. since a wedding day has not been the "everything" day for me since i was a little girl, i don't really have a bunch of specifics to be adamant about. i suppose when i'm actually planning a wedding i may feel differently, but i don't see the whole bridezilla thing happening. that's doing way too much.

    i love orchids. if i have an outside wedding, i want white orchids lining the aisle.

    i have a few close friends, sisters, and a cousin that i'd consider for bridesmaids. i don't really keep in contact with anyone from childhood before 5th grade, but i want a relatively small wedding party so i'm okay. it all depends on how many groomsmen my hubby has.

    great post.
    My recent post Disheveled

  31. Most guys or people that come into contact with me are shocked as a woman that I’m not or haven’t given much thought of my “wedding process”. My mind is more concentrated on me choosing the right mate and successfulness of the marriage, its rough out here in these divorce streets and I’m praying I’m not a statistic. I honestly could care less about the wedding process, I can think of so many better things for me and my spouse to send our coins on, I don’t know who specially will be there but I DO know less is more and it will not be a “grand event” in numbers (attendance) term. It will be a VERY small and intimate ceremony. I will say this if god blesses me with a union I would prefer it to be a destination wedding…that would really help me to keep it minimized in terms of attendance
    My recent post Stupid Girl…Wise Woman…MY Testimony

  32. I don’t mean this the wrong way, but some chicks are like gremlins. Never give them a ring after dark, otherwise you’ll see them turn into something unfathomable.

    ^^

    That line had me in tears!

    I think it about it here and there. I think the older you get the more prevelant it becomes in your mind. Like any other challenge i dont know if I will be 100% ready, but when I get there I will make it the best I can. Thats all you can ask!
    My recent post Streetztalk Deals: SilBlade Premium Windshield Wipers

  33. Well considering I was nearly mugged recently, I've been more concerned with whether I'd make it to my own wedding, let alone my parents / grandparents. But that is huge. I nearly married a jerk because I wasn't sure how much longer my grandparents would hold on, and I wanted them to be there, which is dumb. With my mom being a wedding planner and my dad being incredibly handsome and my (last remaining) grannie being super wonderful, of course, I would want them all to be a part of my wedding, and they will be if it is God's will. But most of all, your family wants you to be happy and with the right person, and for you to be mature enough to handle that right person with the love, respect, and integrity a spouse deserves. And if that takes 20 more years for God to teach you to be that person, then that's how long it takes. Enjoy the ride!
    My recent post A Not-So-Funny Thing Happened On the Walk Home from Work

  34. I think about my wedding at times. My biggest concern though is who will walk me down the aisle or if I'll just walk by myself. My daddy passed when I was 3 and though I have a loving stepfather it's just not the same. Right now (and this may be b/c I'm not getting married any time soon) he's okay with me saying that I may just walk by myself. I'm not trying to hurt his feelings but a part of me thinks that I am.

  35. I've never actually thought about the details of my future wedding (lies) except for maybe the dress (more lies) but like most people who have commented today, I've mulled over who this man will be standing next to me and will I know in my heart without a doubt that my best days will be spent with him?

    What stood out to me about your post is the will my mother be there question. I think about that all the time since my father will be watching from above and I agonize over the feeling that I'm running out of time for her to see me on this very special day. A day she made possible because she raised me in such a way that allowed a man to put his faith and love in me, that is an accomplishment I pray daily she'll get to see first hand.

    Great Post, I have a feeling you'll be just fine!

  36. This may sound weird but I thought I would be married already at 29 now I’m 31 and single men definitely think about getting married more about who the woman will be than anything else. when I was younger I thought about who would be there because I remember both of m uncles getting married cause my dad is a lot older than his little brothers. Still for the 5 cause if it’s one I think lost her before it got going already in the 2000’s some where

  37. Girl child of divorce here, thanking you single, black men for sharing your inner most hopes, dreams and even fears about your wedding day and marriage in general. You've helped in ways you won't even understand and healed some wounds you weren't even responsible for… Just read another post about having your moms at your wedding… damn, you guys are about to make me cry. Thank God for these signs of hope!

  38. Wow, again. I love this post! Down to earth and real. For me, that's like a breath of fresh air coming from a man period- let alone a single black man. #damn:)

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