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Why Sometimes Perfection Fails

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If you’re a man like me, you’ve known this woman.  You’ve bought her drinks at the bar, she’s sat across the table from you on dates, and she’s laid next to you in bed. She’s been a lover, a significant other, a friend with benefits.  She’s perfect, possessed with everything you might ever desire in a long term partner and potential wife.  If you’re a man like me, at some point in your life you’ve been with a woman who you could have married but did not. As men, sometimes we need to sit back and reflect on the women we’ve known and why these relationships with seemingly perfect people didn’t work out.

We fell apart, the bond was broken, should’ve kept our thoughts between ourselves. And though they say they cared, they didn’t help. Makes me wonder, should we blame ourselves?



One of the most unpredictable aspects of love is chemistry. We love to think that when two perfect people get together, the perfect relationship is inevitable. Unfortunately, love often has other ideas. No amount of individual perfection can overshadow bad chemistry; sometimes two souls can’t help but repel each other. On paper it made sense, to all of your friends it made sense, but when faced with the prospect of spending forever with this seemingly perfect woman, you knew it wouldn’t work. No matter how hard you tried you were never going to be able to develop an emotional attachment strong enough to pass the test of time.

What makes these situations difficult is that as men, we often attach a greater value to chemistry than do women. For us, chemistry is near the top of the list of things we expect out of long term mates. No matter how ambitious and intelligent she is, no matter how loving she is, no matter how beautiful she is, if we don’t click, we won’t consider spending forever with her. We may loiter in her life for a while, but when it comes down to it, we know we’ll never commit long term. Women, it seems, are different. For a great many women, bad chemistry doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. It’s something that can be worked around if everything else is securely in place.

Lyric: Jason, I am trying to love you, but I don’t want my heart broken. But that’s exactly what you’re gonna do if you keep trying to save a brother that don’t want to be saved! 

In order for any situation to work there must be an alignment of two people at the right time and the right place.  The right place does not necessarily mean physically, but more often than not, it means mentally.  Women are likely to drop everything they are doing and make the relationship work.  They may have dreams of greatness but they set aside their goals for their men when they are under the impression that they’ve found a lifetime companion.

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For men, life’s responsibilities almost always supersede relationships.  We sometimes prioritize things differently than women, and are rarely thrown off.  As men, we have plans and we plan on seeing them through.  And isn’t that what’s attractive about the choice picks of our gender, the ability to both conceptualize and execute?  It’s never crossed my mind that perhaps I’m letting my present situation affect my future happiness. I’m always convinced that when I’m ready, I’ll be able to find the right woman. I do not know if most women think this way. From my perspective, it seems like the ladies are way more willing to set aside personal goals and personal ambition if they’ve found a man they deem worthy of such sacrifice.

“Know when to leave when the heat is coming, I learned that.  This is where DeNiro would be if he ain’t turn back.”

In Michael Mann’s classic caper flick Heat, Robert DeNiro’s character is a pursued bank robber with but two more steps to take to reach freedom. Instead of waking away, he decides to turn back to go after his love. It doesn’t end well, hence the above referenced Jay-Z lyric. As strange as it might sound, the willingness to walkaway from a bad situation, no matter the consequences, is not only applicable to career criminals, but also to two individuals in love.  I have friends who’ve had on again off again relationships with women they’ve known since college. In their minds, when they finally decide to settle down, she’ll be the one they settle down with. The problem is while we may have ideas around the how of when we’ll settle down with these women, we rarely consider their plans. We just expect our women to understand and to go along with us as if there’s some tacit agreement. We figure we’ll be ready to settle sometime between 30 and 35. Never mind the fact that she’d always dreamed of being married by 25.

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This is where the willingness to walk away becomes paramount. If we’ve both communicated our plans, and neither of us are willing to compromise or budge, we both need to be willing to walk away – no matter how perfect for each other we might be and no matter how much love might exist between the two of us. You never know, sometimes one individual showing they have the will to step back from a situation that isn’t to their long term benefit can inspire the other to meet halfway and make the relationship work.

Most, if not, all of my relationships are birthed out of the thought that something substantial could come of them.  It may not have been marriage, because not every relationship must end in marriage. But no matter how perfect the relationship could have been and no matter how difficult the break up, there’s always something to be learned. As men, we reserve the right to not marry a woman, or give her the relationship she desires, if we know it’s not sustainable. That’s the hardest part about being a decent man and it’s also the hardest thing to accept for women who have everything to offer.  They did everything right and ended up with nothing. Sometimes, that’s the way love goes.

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Have you ever had the perfect relationship fail because of chemistry, bad timing or your unwillingness to walk away? What happened when perfection failed?

– Dr. J

Comment(67)

  1. Once upon a time she was right there in front of me.
    Gave me major play ( A smile and wink) and POW she was gone…
    Never said a word to her, but I knew if I had said something, she would have been mine…
    In the vain of a song I once heard, "Words that were never spoken."

  2. I hate writing post similar to these because I hate leaving people without a solution, and in this case, accepting defeat is the solution. That sits well with few people. Trying to explain to a woman you care about that she'll be a great wife for someone when that someone isnt you is always a horrible position to be in.

    My recent post Someone Like You

      1. Whatever. I think they know before they meet you what their intentions are. Like J said, there's a certain age men want to "settle down" at, and before then everything is just play. Also, lots of times they already know that they're going to put their job, their friends or another girl (the one they've had since college), before the current her. So it's not a matter of breaking it to the her when he "discovers" that she is just a a pretty distraction for him…it's a matter of being honest with her UP FRONT about what he wants and who he is. The reason he doesn't want to be UP FRONT is because she probably won't sleep with him if he is. #DON'Tbelievethehype
        My recent post The Angry Black Woman: Don't be Mad

    1. I have to say, that "you're going to make someone a great wife someday" line has been said to me. That is great. But it's still a kick in the stomach. It's even more so when the same person may check in or call or whatever. At the same time, kick in the stomach or not, I would much rather a man tell me those words, than us build something together and one day he pulls the disappearing act. So, this isn't really a cop out, but more like a man up-woman up. Good post!!!!

  3. I appreciate the honesty of this post…it makes me reflect on my own situations. I don't have extensive dating/relationship experience even though I'm nearly 26 years old but I have been told by the ones I have spent time with that I'd make a great wife. And yet I remain single…I almost take statements like that as an insult because at the end of the day, no matter how great I think I am or how great a man claims to think I am, I remain single and they simply move on to the next. It makes me sad…

    1. I agree its awkward. My best friend goes thru the same thing and even the fact that even the fact that shes in my “friend zone” makes her wonder wth is wrong with me.

      1. yeah….I would just rather someone NOT tell me that than wonder why they don't take advantage of it while it's right in front of them….maybe they're just not ready or not looking for one at the time? who knows…

        1. I would have to agree with "maybe they're just not ready or not looking for one at the time" I think that timing is everything… I have been told you will make a great wife too but I knew the guy well enough to know that he wasn't ready for a relationship if he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. It hurts but its something both parties will have to deal with… overall if its meant to be it will work itself out.

    2. Oh lord, you sound just like me. Men used to say that to me all the time. I'm engaged to the most amazing man now, and I AM SO GLAD I WAITED. I was 27 when I met him, and he was my first everything. So, I know how it is to feel alone and sad. Trust me…you are one of the lucky ones. Keep it up. Men will lie to your face to sleep with you. Please read my blog below AND also read the one on the SHAMship. Oh, and make sure you don't go around looking sad (always a buzz kill). God bless you!

  4. I once told a guy "I love you" at a club while he had a girlfriend. I don't think he heard me cause the music was blasting. Funny thing is I wasn't even drunk lol. This love thing is serious.

  5. This post strikes close to home as I am fresh off a breakup with someone who “saw me in their future” but couldn’t see past their current plans and situation to get there. I will admit to the female logic of “we can make this work if we try” but that’s the problem, “we” have to try. The hardest part about being the perfect person is not having perfect timing. I’ve been that person more than once and each time gets harder. Knowing when to let go and walk away so important. It may hurt, but it will hurt a lot less than continuing to put forth the effort when the other person has stopped trying.

    1. Yea, SHAMships are the worst. The good news is, that they're relatively avoidable. I think there are ways for you to know whether "the timing is right" for the man before you let your heart get so involved. Your heart and body are tender things, they can only take so much before scars start to show. I recommend you take action to protect yourself asap. Good luck!
      My recent post The SHAMship: Are You Getting His Very Best?

  6. I definitely can resonate with this post. Timing is so key especially with men. I was in a relationship before where the timing wasn't right. As a man who was raised that men should lead in the household, I knew I had to focus on my professional goals and accomplish them before even entertaining the idea of getting married. While I look back and wish these relationships could have occurred now since I have established a good career and more stability in my life, I know things happen for a reason. You learn from your experiences to better prepare you for what the "most high" already has in store for you.

  7. Very applicable on what would have been my 5th year anniversary… walking away was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but at least I recognize the lessons that came from that relationship… it was a messy (MESSY!) breakup, but one that has led to better things for both of us… even women who are willing to make that sacrifice (of their personal dreams/goals) realize when the relationship is not even helping you grown as a couple…

  8. "…..as men, we often attach a greater value to chemistry than do women."

    For just about EVERY woman Ive known (past & present), chemistry was at the top of their list. No matter how good a guy looked on paper. And if it made sense to date him, they definitely ran the other way. Im just sayin.

    1. Interesting, I've known a ton of women who've invested a great deal into men who they knew they weren't necessarily compatible with because that man filled other needs. Sometimes it was about him looking good "on paper" other times it was that he was really attractive, and still other times it just came down to high quality boot knocking.

      Whatever it was, I've known plenty of women who've sacrificed chemistry and compatibility for other things. Chemistry is always on top of the list of things desired, but for a lot of women I've known, it's also at the top of the list of things I can do without if other things are great.

      How many women out there would marry a man she loved, but only moderately liked. On the flipside, how many women out there would marry a man she loved and liked, but couldn't hit her spot if her spot hit him.

      Men on the other hand, we'll overlook a whole lot of ish if the day to day chemistry is great. A lot of us just figure we'll go get the other stuff elsewhere if it comes to that – but that's another post for another day.

  9. This happened a couple of times actually. This one girl we had so much in common that i’m certain had we been on dating sites every one would’ve set us up. Then it turns out she also shared some of my bad qualities (hot tempered, stubborn, jealous) and ultimately it drove us apart. Also i think timing played a role, i’d like to think when i’m 25 i’d be less likely to throw relationships away than i was when i was 19.

    My most recent relationship was the epitome of unwillingness to walk away. She didnt wanna break up with me despite knowing whats best and I the same. Fortunately we finally got over it and moved on before the relationship went down the wrong path (cheating, pregancy, chris browning. Needless to say a relationship isnt an exact science.

  10. Have you ever had the perfect relationship fail because of chemistry, bad timing or your unwillingness to walk away? What happened when perfection failed?

    At the time what was I thought was the perfect relationship turned out not to be such in hindsight. It failed due to loss chemistry and the lack of honest communication.
    My recent post Catharsis.

  11. I haven't been this woman in my relationships, but, strangely, I was this woman in my casual relations. A man said he wasn't looking for anything serious and so I automatically amped up my charm, love, care, hospitality, etc., in hopes to win him over. Because who doesn't love a challenge?

    But a challenge is a challenge. It's hard, and often times ends in failure, hence the challenge. I've since realized that effort is not something I have the time or energy for in my personal life. Isn't it so much easier just to deal with someone who wants what you have to offer? The sooner you realize that, the sooner you stop wasting everyone's time (especially YOUR OWN) and avoid at least ONE road to heartbreak and emotional strain.

  12. As a woman, I have NEVER put aside my goals to make a relationship work with a man, EVER. I just multitask….

    I just can't see myself putting my goals aside for a guy I'm not married to. The only time I will be willing to do this if we are married and we both agree that it will benefit us as a couple/family for me to put my goal (whatever it is) on hold temporarily. But that isn't the topic here today so I digress.

  13. "On paper it made sense, to all of your friends it made sense, but when faced with the prospect of spending forever with this seemingly perfect woman, you knew it wouldn’t work." <—– THIS is pretty much why I have an ex-hub…and why our split is still difficult for some of our friends.

    "From my perspective, it seems like the ladies are way more willing to set aside personal goals and personal ambition if they’ve found a man they deem worthy of such sacrifice." <— Co-sign. However, I don't believe you should have to. A good relationship should allow both of you to bloom. You should support each others endeavors. No one wants to end up like Bernadine #waitingtoexhale. SN: Am I the only person that gets holy ghost happy when she slaps the mistress in the meeting room?! LOL.

    1. I think that sometimes, in the beginning, men and women confuse chemistry and "newness". For instance, you're attracted to this new person…new look, new personality, new jokes, etc. Then, once you pretty much know the person and you're all in relationship mode, you look at him/her like "how did we even get here…why did I think this would work…where'd the yearning go?"

      Chemistry lasts. Chemistry keeps things fresh. Chemistry keeps you wanting. Its hard to explain or describe. Chemistry is not compatibility. Its an effortless ease where you can both be your complete selves and life together is just…better.

      1. I agree. newness is well new. and when it aint? ——-> the door.

        I was just having a conversation this morning about chemistry. I think its awesome when you have it with someone, but I know I've tried to work things out because of that chemistry alone when other things weren't "there". its like I dilly dally back in forth under the premise of "let me try something different". one day something will stick/fit. LOL
        My recent post Zoom

        1. As with anything, too much of a good thing becomes toxic, lol. We all need a balance of chemistry and compatibility. But, with compromise, compatibility can be created…I guess, lol. Chemistry is one of those you either have it or you don't type things. You can't force or create it.

  14. Great post Dr. J! So honest and to the point. I think I needed to read something like this because it's true for my own situation. Please keep them coming…

  15. I think women are naturally aware of the fact that neither chemistry nor compatibility will make a relationship work. It helps a lot, but when it gets hard, it takes effort. Timing won’t get you anywhere until you are willing to put in the effort. So it really comes down to who will out aside their own needs and do the work. Because your interests will always get in the way.

  16. Great post. I may be the exception to the rule however, because I value chemistry above everything else. You may be able to weasel a marriage out of non-chemistry but try making that marriage last. Two years ago I would have been sitting here baffled as to why several relationships/dating situations didn't work out. Now, I feel as though I had to have that down time of being solo so I could make my business and my dreams come true. I respect men for not giving up their lives for women, I think we need to change our mindset. Thanks for sharing your advice/thoughts!

  17. The perfect relationship is when you got two bisexual girls who both enjoy the company of each other living in your 3 bedroom apartment. Nobody's cheating on anybody but you sometimes get one while the other isn't in the mood. Ya'll don't ask for much but you all chip in on the bills and groceries and go out on dates together. Just two girls and a dude who live life their way because they all know the rest of the world wouldn't understand them….yea that sounds about right.

    But remember you can't be buying them girls different gifts or treating them more special than the other. You gotta make sure you run the show like a dad who has two twin kids. Its gonna get ugly when one feels neglected or "not the favorite" and that's when you gotta walk away. Cuz a woman scorn is a key'd car. But two women scorn is some biblical type of stuff….ya'll gonna have to call Tyler Perry for the rest of that story cuz this would be a dope hood play.

    1. And oh yea it aint no such thing as chemistry, that's what the G is based off, making her believe that we got some type of special bond. I can break down the chemistry myth to a T. C'mon my dude chemistry is a class in school that i got caught playing madden on my laptop.

      1. I think that I use chemistry here because it's a term that women will understand. In reality, I sort of agree with you, there is no such thing as chemistry on the man's side. He has types and ish, or just stuff he really don't want to put up with.

        1. ok, I am a woman and I appreciate the latter explaination rather than the whole "chemistry" concept because I didn't get it.

        2. Ok, so if there's no such thing as chemistry on the man's side, then what keeps the man there? Besides the practical reasons such as compatibility, shared responsibility, etc. Are these practicalities so hard to find in relationships that chemistry becomes irrelevant? From my perspective, chemistry is #1 on my list followed by compatibility. The practicalities and responsibilities can be hashed out while you're getting to know each other. I'm not saying that chemistry is the only that will keep me in a relationship, but it's definitely an important reason as to why I wouldn't cheat.

      2. LOL! This is a great. Seriously, I wish more women would read & believe in the G. Sigh, if you know it's a game though..WHY do you keep doing it? It's just mean. I think men think that women know what their getting into because on some level we understand the game, and voluntarily play. That's just not true! So many don't get it…and others are too lonely to not play. SIGH—–> I feel a blog coming from this post alone.

        PS, guy…you are the man I'm talking to in my Damaged Girl blog.
        My recent post The Damaged Girl: A Response to Dr. J

  18. Good post. I'm not sure if I may have been the only one to leave the relationship out of fear of embracing everything she had to offer. Meeting the perfect woman requires the man to step up and be the perfect guy moreso the perfect fit. It's a difficult adjustment especially for men who weren't accustomed to being in a situation like this before. Some men don't know how and go on to regret it years later. I know I've done so and luckily haven't dwelled in my thoughts wondering "what if". I've just made sure to never repeat the same mistake when given the opportunity to do so.

    1. I can see how this could be the case. Just goes to show how important it is for a man to mold himself to become the man he wants to be before he can even think of landing the woman he dreams about.

  19. Chemistry is important to me, I’m unwilling to have a relationship without. However, you can have chemistry with more than one person. I used to think it was a once in a lifetime thing, but no. There are many different fish in the sea.

    There are a couple of guys who I had great chemistry with, but for them, the timing was off. I’m a chick so I can work around timing, but we know how guys are. Anyway, it hurt me that they were willing to walk away like that, but I had to get over it. Anyway, I’ll find someone else.

    Surprised to see ppl say that guys prioritize chemistry. I thought guys did whatever the eff they wanted, and then when they felt like settling down, they would settle for whatever their best option was at the time. She might not be as terrific as their past options, but the fact that she’s there and they’re ready, they will fabricate chemistry when it’s not even there. Lol.

    I’ve had guys try to wife me up when I was not interested in them… As far as I was concerned, the chemistry was all in their mind.

      1. I agree with you on chemistry being mental for woman and emotional for men, and thats why most men don't think of chemistry much, if he does I would then have to question his emotional stability and his sexual preference, however, if you don't believe in chemistry you should not use the word just to relate to woman-we understand perfectly fine. Giving us your perpective is giving us all you for that is the reason we are on this website, so try not to use words that you don't agree with for the sake of being ostracize by woman.

      2. Really? I don't know about that. I would say the reverse is the case. I can think of 3 men off the top of my head that I "know" I have "chemistry" with, but have no emotions towards them. NONE. I could think of 1 man now, who I have incredible emotions for (not because of sex because we haven't slept together) but for the life of me, cannot figure out why I like him. It's not because I can't find anything redeemable about him, the opposite is true. It's just that I can't figure out why it would transcend with him and not the other 3 men that I have obvious "chemistry" with. I would maybe equate your comment with my past experiences with my relationships where the man grew on me and then I just went with common sense rather than following an undeniable feeling.

        It seems like men can go along the lines of, "She's cool, I'm cool, this is is cool. So we'll keep it cool." Or so it LOOKS like that. As for myself (I can't speak for all women), the practical checklist supplemented by the compatibility log doesn't do it for me, because I just know that I will be unsatisfied down the line. It's not so much that i don't want my man to neglect me (of course not) it's more of, " I don't want to be with a man that I don't feel anything for." And I have to honor that feeling or else it would just be a disservice to all parties involved. My last relationship ended because of that. I went the common sense route (good on paper, good in sex, wines and dines me, overall decent man) but when he told me that he loved me and it didn't register within me, I knew something was wrong, very very wrong. I kept it going, out of common sense and kept telling myself that it was just me being "guarded", but the truth was, there was simply no TRANSCENDING chemistry between us. We had the basic "mental" set if you will. I HAD to walk away.

    1. I found myself in the predicament also. When a man is looking not necessary for you but for a wife. It's a bit disconcerting because you know he's trying to collect ornaments of success rather than having it realized organically.

  20. I personally haven't been in this situation, but on the outside looking in, I'm watching my brother go through it. The 2 of them are struggling through a relationship to make a point to the naysayers in the fam. I agree w/ Wild Cougar saying that effort steps in when chemistry is lacking. But IMO chemistry/compatibility is the glue that holds a relationship together

    Can you be in a relationship without it? Of course, but the relationship at its core might be characterized as 1 of necessity. You're there because you like what they are on paper and you like what they bring to the table. In an ideal situation, the 2 of you compliment each other in plain black and white. But you can't neglect the gray area. And sometimes, the gray area is heavier % than what's in black and white

    My recent post #FebPhotoChallenge – Day 1

  21. Chemistry is important man. You can't buy it. I've had a few relationships that should've expired quicker than they did. Chalk it up to experience.

    Great Post.

    1. "Chemistry is important man."

      Absolutely. I once tried to indulge someone with whom I had no chemistry simply because he is a nice guy, and it didn't take much for me to end things. I need a good balance between chemistry and compatibility. I don't consider anything less to be worth it.

  22. When get a bit older you will look back and realize not only why it wouldn't have worked but that she was not perfect for you. Wisdom will define for you what your soul needs.

  23. Good post. I agree that men seem to be all or nothing when it comes to chemistry and women are willing to "work with you' lol. But I don't throw the word perfect around lightly. Personally, I require honesty first and foremost and I am more than willingly to walk away from someone who's anything less than my number one fan–you are perfect to me when you can profess that honestly and completely and I can do the same for you without hesitation.

  24. This couldn't come at a better time. I am currently going through a similar situation with a guy that I just met. While he appears to be great on paper, something is missing…as referenced on Sex & the City, there's no zsa zsa zsu. I just don't feel "it" and while yes, I understand that the importance of chemistry may wane as a relationship deepens, I think that it's absolutely necessary in the beginning…..or am I wrong? Some of my friends are encouraging me to ride it out for a while (they think it may be fear on my part) to see what comes out of this but everytime I talk to him, it feels like a task as opposed to organic. I'm not excited about him. He's a nice guy and wants to get to know me but I feel like I'm doing him a disservice by prolonging my exit. Should I wait it out for a while, get to know him then make an informed decision or should I go with my gut and tell him that he's a good guy…just not good for me?

    1. I'm telling you, FOLLOW YOUR GUT. To not do so would prolong the pain and disappointment on both sides when someone has to exit. My last relationship was like that. I remember when I was dating him and people asked me about him and I was like, "Yeah…he's cool." And starting to list his credentials to make up for the fact that I felt nothing substantial with him.

  25. In response to Ms. Smith,
    I can attest to this situation. A couple summers ago I met someone who, in the beginning, was simply a hook up. After a couple months, & despite my beliefs that NOTHING would ever come from this, I became attached & I started to see a change in him.
    Long story short, this guy I thought would never be anything more than a hook up became a beautiful year & a half, full blown gf/bf, talk about the future relationship. We have recently split due to his athletic/personal pursuits (college football player trying to make it big/I was his first & only gf & I think us getting serious freaked him out).Perhaps this is just a matter of timing& in the future when the timing is right, we will meet again.

    But anyway, to your question of whether or not you are wrong, I think you could be! I know first hand that the chemistry &feelings can grow from basically nothing to something amazing. Give it some time, & like my experience, it might just develop into one of the best things you ever had. God bless! 🙂

  26. I think if anything men need to take lessons from women in these situations and get their priorities straight and start aligning wants with needs. What you want is rarely what you need. Men seem to always go after what they want and then be chopped and screwed, lied to, cheated on, broken hearted, used, abused and left for broke going after the woman they want who they have great chemistry with. Just because you have great chemistry with someone doesn't mean they will be a good match for you.
    To me as adults in love and relationships true growth and maturity comes when you learn to go for what you need, instead of always what you want, when you focus more on whats inside as opposed to whats outside, and when you have your priorities straight and realize in love and relationships whats really important. What may be important to you could be the very reason your single. If you look for good looks, chemistry, compatibility, sex appeal, great sex, someone educated, comes from a great family with both parents and who has good morals and values, sweet, funny, kind, caring and can cook, good job, makes good money, and a whole bunch of other stuff you may never find that person. If you do they will more than likely have some other major flaw. NOBODY is perfect. I think a mature person realizes that chemistry isn't everything. Women in many ways are more mature in their thinking than men. Men can be very childlike…not all but some…especially when it comes to love and relationships. Some men want everything in a woman and want her to come at the perfect time…..realistically this may not happen.
    Women are mature enough to realize in real life you don't get everything you want at the precise time that you want it. They also realize that what you want isn't always what you need and what you want isn't always good for you. This is why some women sacrifice for who they deem a good man no matter what he looks like, chemistry, sex, and how much he makes. This is why it seems like women settle…..actually they are making good mature, grown up decisions so that they can be happy and satisfied and treated with the love and respect they desire in the long run.

    1. I would give up many luxuries (the wining and dining, the trips, the extra income) for consistent chemistry. ANY OF THEM.

      The practicalities of relationships can be worked out if chemistry, compatibility, love and respect are in place. The man and the woman can discuss their needs and find a happy medium. Practicalities can always be worked out in that case. If I want my man to wine and dine me from time to time, then I can raise that topic because the platform for compromise and understanding and chemistry is there. And if you're excited about the person, you will find a way to make things happen.

      But if there is no chemistry, a small measure of "compatibility", some "love", and a decent amount of "respect", no amount of working the practicalities out will help the relationship THRIVE. Sure, it can be "maintained". And if that's what you signed up for, then good for you. But I'm not going to invest myself in a relationship only for it to be "maintained and satisfied" for the duration of the relationship. That's why relationships just stagnate, then fall off, NO CHEMISTRY. Satisfaction and maintenance can only take you so far then it comes time to just trade it in for a better model so our life can be run more smoothly and efficiently.

      Think about it like this, say you got a job that you wake up excited for everyday. Makes it easier to go to work doesn't it? Even when the day is hard or challenging, the fact that you're still excited about it, makes those challenges easier to overcome, no? Because with excitement, comes innovation and solutions. When you're excited about someone or something, it's easier to solve any problem that might come simply because you are willing to explore and find the solution.

      Now let's reverse the situation. You get a job, that you're just simply SATISFIED with it because it fulfills your basic needs; the pay is good, the benefits are good, even some of your coworkers are cool. But you have no desire or excitement for the work that you do. NONE. Sure, you can maintain it for a while, keep up appearances, but pretty soon, you're going to slip and become distracted because the job and what it entails simply doesn't keep your attention. Work habits slip up, job performance goes down and pretty soon, you either quit, get fired, or just accept the fact that you have a price for your misery.

      Relationships pretty much work the same way. We need something that will keep our attention enough to want the relationship to thrive and "move up the ladder". Otherwise, you'll just be at the entry level position maintaining. And if that doesn't make sense in the career world, how could it make sense in the realm of relationships?

  27. I know many married folks and all of them have some things they don't like and can't stand about their spouse. But it does not change the love they have for that person. Like it says in the bible love should be unconditional and everlasting. This is the problem we have. Our love is not unconditional and everlasting.
    I knew an older woman who told me she didn't like her husband when she first met him, but in time she grew to love him and he treated her better than any man ever had. They had been married for over 30 years and are as much in love now as when they first got married.
    Someone else I knew told me a story about how their brother was courting 2 women. One woman had 4 kids but she was everything he ever wanted in a woman and treated him great. The other woman had no kids and looked much like a model. He dated her and she used him and took and spent up all his money and dumped him.
    Moral of the stories is: Making sure you choose the right person for the right reasons. Timing may be everything to you fella's……..however, timing doesn't mean sh** if your still repeatedly choosing the wrong woman for the wrong reasons all the damn time.
    Other moral is you will Never marry the "Perfect" woman….no matter what she will have some flaws. Just because married couples argue, and don't always like each other doesn't mean the love is not there and is not deep. Men need to really learn how to love the right way.
    Men check your decision making skills when it comes to women. Trust me the minute you choose women for the right reasons and be less superficial and change your Mind you will be so much happier and content and will find the love you need and want.

    “True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does. ” William Shakespeare

    1. "Moral of the stories is: Making sure you choose the right person for the right reasons. Timing may be everything to you fella's……..however, timing doesn't mean sh** if your still repeatedly choosing the wrong woman for the wrong reasons all the damn time."

      THIS RIGHT HERE.

  28. In this situation right now, and it sucks for me. It's hard to accept, especially when you don't know what triggered the change of heart, or whether it's just a matter of work stress/goals/etc. I have no idea of whether I should give up or wait it out. Right now, I consider myself single, and I'm moving on with life, but that doesn't stop me from missing him. I guess time will heal all wounds. www. Allsfairnlove.com
    My recent post When You SHOULDN’T Divorce

  29. I have to admit I've been in the perfect relationship once. We had chemistry and communication. Everything. And for the first time I actually thought I would give up my single ways and settle down – in fact I didn't even consider it settling – I was happy to stop dating around because I didn't want another woman. Oddly though she didn't want this. She tried to but couldn't. She was in love with me but feared commitment. Its odd but this seems to be a growing trend in relationships. Men are ready for something more long term but the women can't grasp commitment – its too scary. Perhaps past hurts or parent's failed marriages. The one good thing that comes from those experiences that I've seen is that you now have a standard on which to base the future. Not that you should constantly compare but you can at least say "I know what perfection in relationships is like and I will not settle for something just because I want to feel wanted".
    My recent post My boyfriend and I are always fighting . . .

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