Admin Notes: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!
If you’re in the New York area this Valentine’s Day you should come out to The Bachelor Party, a Valentine’s Day mixer at Gild Hall in Manhattan.
If you came here expecting a Valentine’s Day post, I suggest you check out Streetz Valentine’s Day Advice or you can read my post over on BadOnlineDates.com, A Man’s POV: How it Makes Me Feel When… She Expects a Romantic Valentine’s Day. This concludes the extent of my Valentine’s Day pandering.
A number of women have criticized myself and other male bloggers for not taking men to task more often on this site and abroad. These criticisms are not without merit, because generally speaking, they are correct. I hope to use today to explain why this phenomenon may occur. As a commenter on this website said before (paraphrasing), men know how to be men; women know how to date men.
Streetz already discussed the fact that A Man’s Opinion Doesn’t Matter to Women, so I won’t rehash that subject. It is difficult for me to “challenge” men on dating when I really have no idea how to date men, pause. I’m serious.
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing. – Socrates
In other words, it is easier for me to advise women on the type of men you should avoid, especially since I’ve been that man before, than it is for me to tell men how to act. Isn’t that his father’s job? Further, all I really have to go on is the one-sided and undoubtedly biased accusations of women who are frustrated by the actions of particular men when there are three-sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth. Granted, many of these men’s actions should legitimately frustrate women. Ironically, the simplest solution involves leaving that particular man and finding a man more aligned with what you claim you desire. However, most women don’t want to leave. They want to know how to make the man they like/Love act like the man they want. This is ridiculous but it explains a lot.
Many misunderstandings arise because men and women date differently. Men tend to find a woman they want to be with and they accept her as she is (in fact, they hope she doesn’t change); whereas, some women seem content to find a man they can see themselves with and then focus on making him into the man she actually wants. Instead of making things easier and finding a man that is already the man you want, it seems you prefer to find the man that could be the man you want after you get through changing him. This may be partially attributed to the fact that when dating men do the majority of the approaching.
A lot of the contention between men and women in regards to discussions on relationships is the fact that both waste energy focusing on who is right and who is wrong. This flawed approach attempts to simplify relationships to mere black and white analysis, whereby one party is clearly always wrong and one party is always right; therefore, one party is always the victim of the other. This is stupid.
Unless you believe successful relationships are driven by one partner; inversely, in failure, there will never be one partner who is completely without fault. Too often we award ourselves too much personal credit for successful relationships and assign too much blame to others for failed relationships. In actuality, when a relationship ends no one partner is completely wrong or completely right. Even if that were true – and it isn’t – what would it matter if you never understand or care to understand why they acted wrongly or rightly towards you?
Therefore, when I am explaining why men act a certain way – selfish, inconsiderate, or otherwise – I am not excusing their actions. This seems to be a huge misunderstanding on the part of a large number of readers. I am not excusing the action, I am attempting to explain why I believe the action occurred, the motivation behind the action and the (possibly flawed) justification the man may have used (or will use) to explain his actions. In the end, perhaps you can use this to have a better understanding and strategy for avoiding or finding a man like him again. On the flip side, if you continue to entertain unqualified applicants, it won’t matter what I tell you or him.
The majority of protests come from women and with good reason. Some women look at posts and seem to say to themselves, “I would not act that way, so since I would not act that way, acting that way is clearly wrong.” You are correctly incorrect. Sites like this would not exists if men and women thought exactly the same way. It is in the chasm between black and white where the grey-areas cause huge divides between men and women’s views and opinions. For me to assume a man/woman randomly wronged you without provocation or justification would mean I would have to assume: 1) you’re perfect or 2) they’re evil. I sincerely doubt either is true.
Specific to dating, I am never out to make excuses for men because that would imply I believe men share no fault. Of course, if you – man or woman – believe you have no influence on what happens to you as a result of the actions of others be it through your actions, your acceptance, or your complacency, then I will disagree 11 times out of 10, because while it may not be your fault, it is clearly your problem. Lastly, sometimes it’s no one’s fault because no one did anything wrong. Sometimes sh*t just doesn’t work out because sh*t just wasn’t mean to be, the end.
Regardless, I am an advocate for personal accountability. We all know people who are convinced their Xs, The Man, The World and The Illuminati are all simultaneously co-conspiring against them and them alone, which is fine and their right but that is not a philosophy I can support. Telling yourself, “Well men/women do it, too” may make you feel better and sleep easier at night but such a simplistic ‘eye for an eye’ approach to life will only leave us all blind – as well as deaf and dumb. At minimum, maybe we should figure out how to keep history from repeating itself, which would mean focusing our remaining energies on understanding why an undesirable event occurred and how we can prevent it from happening again. Admittedly, this is far more difficult than simply blaming everyone else for our problems but like so many other decisions in life, the choice is yours.