Home Featured Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 1: An Officer and a Gentleman

Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 1: An Officer and a Gentleman

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The following is a true story.

It had been a year since I moved to New York to pursue my Master’s and ultimately, a career in broadcast journalism. It was the loneliest year of my life. In a city with 13 million people, you’d think it was easy for a young, attractive, outgoing woman to make friends, but it is not. And if making friends seemed difficult, finding love, or at least attraction, seemed almost impossible. As arrogant and self-serving as it sounds, I was surprised at my inability to find some one to kick it with. Back home in the mid-west, I never had problems attracting and meeting men. But here I was, a single girl in the biggest city in the world, asking myself for the first time “what’s wrong with me?”

But I got over that quickly and decided to just focus on school and my career which were both at the top of my priority list. All this added to my reluctance when one of my few city friends, Nicole, asked me to go with her to a party her job was hosting. I pushed my trepidation aside and decided to go. There, I saw him. Talking to friends, he seemed like the life of his circle. He said something, they all laughed, his hands went up when his song came on and theirs did too. He was tall, thin and cottonwood complected; reminiscent of the trees adorning my block back home. And I caught his eye. I saw him gaze as I danced, trying hard not to let him know I’d noticed. We played this eye game for a while. It was a familiar game and a pleasant bit of flirtation that, unlike most of the games big city guys play, didn’t seem totally foreign to me. And then we spoke.

“Nice Frames,” he said loudly, talking over the music. It threw me off. Off all the parts of me to decide to compliment, he started with my glasses – which happened to be brand new.

We danced for a while. He bought us drinks and we ran through the usual litany of “just met” questions which I’d grown accustomed to since moving to the city.

“Where you from?” “What do you do?” “Where did you go to school?”

I was surprised to find that he hadn’t gone to school, well, at least not college. He’d instead gone to the police academy and joined the NYPD. I found this strangely attractive. After a couple drinks and a couple more dances we exchanged numbers and by the time I stumbled back into my apartment I had a text from him asking if I’d made it home safe and telling me that he’d enjoyed meeting me.

And that’s how it was for the next few weeks. Every couple of days we’d get into these 12 and 13 message conversations via text. We even made plans to get together a few times – each time he canceled saying something came up that he had to take care of, something clearly of greater importance than me. I swear men invented texting as a way of communicating without really communicating. I couldn’t count how many times I’d found myself in similar situations with men. We meet, everything seems great, we text for a while and then it just goes nowhere. Or, we text for a while and he eventually invites me out – of my house – to his house – for “dinner”.

Just when I was ready to write him off I got a text saying:

Hey, I know I’ve been flaky lately, canceling our plans all the time, but I’m really interested in getting to know you and really hope you can be a little patient with me.”

So I responded:

This is perfect timing because I was just beginning to give up on you.”

Him:

Aww … don’t do that, let me take you out this weekend.”

Me

I’ll think about it.”

Him

Lol @ ‘you’ll think about it’ … you know you wanna go!”

Me

You might be right … 🙂 but if you cancel on me again … lose my number! Lol.”

Him

Nah I won’t cancel, I promise. I know haven’t been all the way upfront about why I’m so busy, and why I’ve had to cancel so many times – so I’m just gonna put it out there. I have a two year old son and each time I’ve canceled it’s been because I’ve had to adjust my schedule to take care of him.”

This, for me was what I’d call a “pink flag,” not quite a red flag or deal breaker, but I definitely had not really been interested in being a step mom. I liked him though and I respected the fact that he was willing to drop whatever he had planned to be there for his son – even if those plans were with me.

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Me:

I appreciate you sharing that, and I understand.”

Him:

There’s something else. His mother and I. We live together. It’s just a temporary thing for his sake and we’re not together anymore, but it just makes sense financially for us right now.”

I didn’t know how to respond. Who does this? I thought about whether or not I believed him, whether I believed that this nice man that I’d met would be that manipulative, that shady to tell a woman he wanted to cheat with that he lived with his baby’s mother but that they weren’t together. That prospect seemed so far fetched that I actually believed he was telling the truth. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and before I could respond to tell him so, he sent another text:

Him:

I know this sounds crazy … like total BS, but just let me take you out this weekend and give me a chance to explain it all. If you’re uncomfortable with it, we don’t have to see each other again.”

Me:

That’s fair I guess.”

Him:

Ok, I’ll pick you up Friday at 7:30.”

Friday comes and I can’t really describe the anxiety I was feeling. I was excited. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually been on a real date. At the same time, I couldn’t help but be a little nervous. Regardless of what he said his situation was at home, something felt wrong about the fact that after he dropped me home for the night, he’d be going home to another woman and the child they had together. I told myself that if this nervousness and trepidation persisted after the date was over, I’d never speak to him again.

At 7:30 on the dot, my cell phone rang and he said he was outside. I hustled to finish getting myself together and by the time I got downstairs, he was standing on the stoop of my brownstone. He was taller than I remembered him. I stood on my toes to kiss his cheek as we hugged and I could feel his hands gracefully slide around my waist to the small of my back; each individual finger felt with a firm gentleness that belied both strength and grace. They were exploratory, inquisitive almost. He opened the car door and closed it behind me. As he walked around the front of the car, checking both ways for traffic, I took advantage of the brief opportunity to get a good look at him. He was handsome. His suit, tailored nicely, glasses a perfect fit for his face and his stride and swagger lackadaisically confident.

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“So, where are we headed?” I asked as he pulled off.

“Midtown. This spot I read about in New York Mag – haven’t been there before but it got great reviews.”

“Ok … that sounds fun. What kind of food?”

His phone rang.

“I’m sorry Sam, I have to take this.”

“It’s alright.” I said, wondering if it were her.

“This is Sgt. Ferguson,” he said and for some reason my legs crossed instinctively.

The caller, a woman, was clearly a victim of sorts in a case he seemed to be working on. I tried not to eavesdrop, but couldn’t help but hear her distraught tone. He spoke with an authority and understanding that eventually put her at ease explaining to her that everything happening was all part of his plan. A plan he’d worked out that would eventually end with a resolution she’d be happy with. He scolded her for what must have been her apologizing for disturbing him, reassuring her that she could call him anytime. The entire conversation was … impressive. Equally impressive was his ability to pick up right where I’d left off before the call, without a reminder of the question or prodding from me.

“So, it’s kind of like new American fare – is that alright?”

“Yeah that’s great, I’m like super greedy, I’ll eat anything,” I said cringing inwardly at the graceless obtusity of my response.

Our table reserved, we were seated immediately, despite how crowded the place was. After ordering a round of drinks and then our food, I excused myself to the ladies room to wash my hands and freshen up … like my mama taught me. As I left the table he stood half way and he did the same when I returned. The food was good an the conversation was better. He was articulate and could speak intelligently with informed opinions on every subject we broached. Eventually the conversation moved toward his living situation.

“… And then baby was kind of unexpected,” he continued, “I mean, we’d talked about it, we wanted children together, but we’d planned to get married first, all that good stuff. Once she got pregnant, I had her get rid of her spot and move into mine to expedite saving to buy a house.”

“Does she work to?” I regretted the question as soon as I asked, but he took it in stride.

“Yeah, she’s an officer too – different precinct though. It was good living together at first. We were excited about the baby and all the planning for him was taking up our time. But once he was born, things just changed. Don’t get it twisted, he’s the greatest thing to ever happen to me, but it’s like having him just exposed all the ways we weren’t compatible.”

“Wow,” was the best I could muster.

“So now I’m planning to move out. Six more months max. I’m gone. Gonna buy something close – and I’m hoping her and I will remain cordial and really be able to do the co-parenting thing.”

“Yeah,” I said empathetically. Before I knew it I’d found myself rooting for him for some reason, hoping he’d win, but having no idea what “winning” actually constituted.

Time flew and as quickly as it had begun, the date was over and we were in the car headed home. He double parked in front of my house, walked me to my stoop and ended the night with a gentle kiss on my cheek. I was surprised and almost disappointed that he didn’t go for a real kiss, but I appreciated his gentlemanly nature. Looking back, it occurs to me now that by the time I tucked myself in, I’d forgotten all about the fact that he was going home to another woman.

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The next couple months we went out a few more times, a couple times just for drinks, a couple times for dinner. We became intimate. The same gentle firmness I felt as his hands moved across my back that first date was displayed when making love. I was arrested. Addicted. It wasn’t the quick, immediate, crack-like addiction I’d experienced with other guys. It was slower, more progressive, like the first time you wake and realize you need a cigarette. And it was that addiction that blinded me to the evolution of our relationship. Going out to dinner became ordering in and going out for drinks became him bringing a bottle of Pinot. We never again talked about his son’s mother, he never even mentioned her name. His son however, he was ever-present, a perpetually perfect excuse to cancel our plans at the drop of a dime in a way that made me feel guilty for being upset with him. The six months it was supposed to take him to move out turned to 8 months (problems closing) and 8 months turned to 10 months (seller had second thoughts), but it didn’t matter. For a time, I was lost in him.

Eventually, the haze that had covered my eyes cleared and I began to pull away. He didn’t fight it. As spring gave way to summer, a year after we’d initially met, our relationship was over. I was fine. The weather was warm and there were plenty of men, tons to do and way less time to be concerned with him. But as fall gave way to winter, he started in again with the text messages. He eventually invited himself over and in that moment, nothing seemed more appealing than the warmth of his strong hands.

He brought food, but we didn’t eat. We didn’t talk or catch up. We barely exchanged pleasantries. Before I knew it we were in bed and before I knew we were having sex, it was over. No passion, no tenderness, not even a semblance of the chemistry we once had. Just sex and then sleep. I woke up to an empty bed. It wasn’t the first time he’d left in the middle of the night.  He sometimes worked nights and I understood. I checked my text messages as he’d usually send one when he left before I awoke … what I found shocked me – though it probably shouldn’t have.

Hey baby, I won’t make it home tonight, gotta work a double. Kiss the baby for me. Love you.”

That was quickly followed by …

Obviously … that wasn’t for you.”

Which was was followed by.

 “I’m sorry.”

I never responded and neither did he. For a long while I avoided even thinking about him, avoided asking myself how I’d been so naïve, avoided admitting to myself that for more than a year, I was his mistress.

***Author’s note: Samantha is not really named Samantha, but she really is a friend of mine. We’d been talking about making a series out of some of her adventures in singleness and we’re finally getting around to it. There are four more stories we’re planning to tell and they only get better as she grows, matures and learns how to build successful, healthy relationships.***

So what do you all think? Has anyone been a situation like Samantha’s? Can you all understand her believing him? What would you have done differently. Feel free to be critical in the comments, but please be respectful. Remember she’s a real life friend who’s been kind enough to share her stories; this is just the tip of the iceberg and I really don’t want to scare her away.

Email: [email protected]

 

Comment(137)

  1. Im going to like this series! 🙂

    Had a few men try to pull that with me but I could never make it past a few dates. In my experience asking questions and being honest about what you want is the best way to scare men like that off. However some men will say anything to get you…. Anything.

    Stories like this are always so much more sad to me when children are involved- hope he got his stuff together for the sake of his son.

  2. I met a guy who always texted me but never called. And when he texted, he was always at work, never at home. He claimed to be single, and I wanted to believe him but my gut told me he was lying and living with a girlfriend. We texted for about a year, and he was great company during a stressful time, but I’m glad I never allowed myself become intimate, because I don’t think he would have been as easy to let go.

    I’ve never been in Samantha’s exact sutiation, but have been in a similar one whre I was unaware that I was the other woman, and by then I was so deep into him, it took a while before I finally let go. I’ve have definitely learned from the mistakes I’ve have made in “love”. I look forward to reading the other stories.

  3. I feel as though every woman has a story similar to this. How she was strung along because her heart (and her loins) was all caught up in a situation her woman's intuition told her to avoid . I swear I know no man that has experienced relatively close to this. Makes me wonder what are women doing wrong?

    1. I think it's not so much what women are doing wrong. But what men are doing wrong in how we communicate our relationship status. What I really wanted to explore with her, but didn't get the opportunity because the post is already 2400 words long, was what would have happened if dude was upfront from jump. Like what if he just told her yo, I have a girl that I live with, and a child but I like you. At least then she has the opportunity to exit the situation before she's all the way invested.

      I've never heard of a woman who was in a happy relationship who was pretending to be single.

      1. I think if he was straight up she would have def backed off. Smart women know not to invest their good time and energy into a meaningless situation.

        1. I think it has very little to do with being a "smart woman," and more to do with having experience (having gone through a similar situation). Women aren't bred to recognize game or even follow their instincts. Most women and people develop the strength and ability to follow their gut over time.

          Maybe she was naive, and like others said, truly hopeful that his situation was exactly how he said it was. It took me a loooong time to learn to follow my gut and even pray about situations when they don't seem quite right. Even still, the craftiest player may be able to fake it long enough to gain my trust, in which case, I guess you would say it's still my fault. At what point do we hold men accountable for their lies and deception?
          My recent post Why Blacks are Losing in Film and Television

        2. "Most women and people develop the strength and ability to follow their gut over time."

          OMG! So so so so sooooooooooooooo true!

        3. What's wrong with backing up. It's called making an informed decision with your best interest in mind. Every decision he made was for himself, not her, not baby nor wife. He's the only one that gets that right? If he really had this so called swagg, he would have approached his cheating with the attitude maybe she will maybe she won't, but atleast she knows the deal.

      2. THANK you for pointing out that she actually didn't do anything wrong. Yes, she made the mistake of trusting him, but according to your boy Dr. J, most men don't want a damaged girl with baggage. And not trusting him, based solely on her gut and her past experience with other men, would put her in the category of a damaged, baggage laden girl that no guy wants.

        This is exactly why Dr. J's blog got under my skin. It seems like men want it both ways. They want to treat us badly, and then (when they get ready to settle down) they want us to act like men don't treat us badly.

        What went wrong here is that he lied. He didn't miscommunicate, he lied to get what he wanted.
        My recent post The Damaged Girl: A Response to Dr. J

        1. He absolutely lied. But come on, 2 yr old son and the mother lives there? You have to be lost in a serious fantasy to fall for that. I think he said enough for her to have a clue and bounce.

        2. I have a co-worker you remind me of. He seems to think that women know when a guy is lying- and she just pretending to trust him cause she's hot for him. He's always like, come ooon- of course she knows he's just trying to sleep with her. lol, I'm still trying to convince him that many women have NO idea about the depths of selfishness that exists in a man. It's entirely foreign to us cause- like you keep saying- we're not like that.

          You sir, need to pop in a romantic comedy this weekend. And take notes. Most women are secretly waiting around for something like that to happen to them. So, when it looks like it maybe in the works…we don't get a clue and bounce! LOL of course not, we get excited and start to hope that our prince has finally arrived.
          My recent post The SHAMship: Are You Getting His Very Best?

        3. I've been around a ton of women all my life and I still can't understand how ya'll fall for that trap every damn time. Yall just don't get it….lol Granted I know yall make moves with ya heart and that's all good but come on son!

          Its a fantasy and yall live dead up to it, eyes closed and heart (sometimes legs) wide open..lol

        4. I guess this is no different from men losing their families and livelihoods over indiscriminate sexual encounters.

        5. That's why it's so crucial for you all to stop with the "G" and realize you're doing serious damage. After a few times getting her hopes up, only to realize later that she was being used- she's going to change to protect herself. She'll be colder, meaner, angry and more difficult to love. And therein lies like, 30% of our community woes.
          My recent post The Easy Woman

        6. Men are bred from the age of 0 to apply "G" to get all the girls. What makes it worst its the women (moms/aunties) that endorse this behavior. So say for 27-28+ years I'm suppose to get all the girls and then magically stop because I might break a heart or two???? NEGATIVE.lol

        7. No SON, you're supposed to stop because it's the right thing to do. Of course you can use the fact that you're breaking a heart for motivation-whatever helps. Also, remember that you have a stake in this too. Damaging women in the community you plan to live in isn't really smart, is it? It's like like sh*ting where you eat. If you don't get why that's dangerous, I can't help you! 😛
          My recent post The Easy Woman

        8. Agreed but these are the same women that raise their lil boys to be players..As a grown ass man I absolutely believe I am responsible for the pain I may cause, that's a fact. But the cycle needs to stop at some point. We tell our young males to continue to play the field until they get older. Playing the field = breaking hearts all damn day. Some of us luck up and cross paths with a lady we respect and begin the process of reversing the "playa" curse but that takes time and some serious maturity.

        9. ummmmm Mr. SD I don't know one woman who tells and raises their sons to be "players"….if anything it's men that do this….daddies, uncles, granddads, male mentors all the men the boys look up to and want to be like…….hence they may start off emulating the man/men they look up, respect and want to and want to be like.

        10. Examples – My ex-boyfriend in junior highschools mom did everything she could to Not allow him to date more than 1 girl at a time. She would tell other little girls that she knew liked him that he had a girlfriend. She would hip me to any other girls in the neighborhood that liked him also. His parents owned a store and he was puerto-rican and black and tall for his age. A lot of girls came in the store flirting with him. His mom let them all know from the door he was taken…she stayed blowin up his spot on purpose and telling him Not to be like his dad……however the reality is as a male he is going to relate to and want to be like the parent who is the same sex as him who he has more in common with. Just like many girls emulate and look up to and may end up being like their mommies, aunties, and grandmoms because we are all females….it's human nature….but what it is Not is women raising their sons to be players……nothing could be farther from the truth.

        11. "No SON, you're supposed to stop because it's the right thing to do" Now thats a word right there! Preach!

        12. you are right, you have been socialized to view and act in the world differently but that doesn't mean it was correct. You do magically stop because you have now evolved to the clear understanding that manhood has nothing to do with breaking anything but building.

        13. I agree with you but it's a choice whether to become hard or strong. It is so easy to become cold, mean and bitter but it takes strength to define a situation rather than allowing it to define you.

          Can't believe imma bout to say this… Men probably deal with reject a lot more than we do, so maybe we sholuld take hints on how to become more accountable for what happens to us rather than quickly clothing ourselves in victimhood.

        14. You're right, we're not victims. We have a choice and IMO we have the ultimate trump card in the game because we control our bodies (something they can't have without our OK). But, If you read closely- a lot of the responses here are subtly BLAMING women for the things other people do to them. I say we can and should be responsible for what we allow in out lives. But at the same time, men should take responsibility for what their doing too. None of this…we'll she didn't stop me *shrugs*. You mean to tell me you're going to lie to me and THEN try to tell me it's my fault for not knowing when you're lying? Come ON——> men are not children. They can do better.
          My recent post The Easy Woman

        15. Oh, I am so, so with you on this topic. However, it's not so much as blaming the woman for not recognizing the deceit, but moreso her response to it. It's okay to get pissed off and make very clear whose at fault, but when it comes down to it you are responsible for your healing. It's a tough pill to swallow in life to know that even though something may not be your fault, it can very well be your problem. In this case, Sam being deceived was the Office'rs fault, but how she will overcome this is ultimately her problem to resolve.

        16. You're right, we're not victims. We have a choice and IMO we have the ultimate trump card in the game because we control our bodies (something they can't have without our OK). But, If you read closely- a lot of the responses here are subtly BLAMING women for the things other people do to them. I say we can and should be responsible for what we allow in out lives. But at the same time, men should take responsibility for what their doing too. None of this…we'll she didn't stop me *shrugs*. You mean to tell me you're going to lie to me and THEN try to tell me it's my fault for not knowing when you're lying? Come ON——> men are not children. They can do better.

        17. I so agree with you on this subject. The issue is not about blaming women for not recognizing deceit, but moreso her response to it. You have a every right to be pissed off and place the responsibility of the fault where it rightfully belongs. However, how you get over it is entirely up to you. .This would be an instance where it's not your fault, but it is your problem. In this scenario, the officer was at fault for deceiving sam, but it's ultimately sam's problem/responsibility to resolve her hurt feelings.

        18. You're right, we're not victims. We have a choice and IMO we have the ultimate trump card in the game because we control our bodies (something they can't have without our OK). But, If you read closely- a lot of the responses here are subtly BLAMING women for the things other people do to them. I say we can and should be responsible for what we allow in out lives. But at the same time, men should take responsibility for what their doing too. None of this…we'll she didn't stop me *shrugs*. You mean to tell me you're going to lie to me and THEN try to tell me it's my fault for not knowing when you're lying? Come ON——> men are not children. They can do better.
          My recent post The SHAMship: Are You Getting His Very Best?

        19. "You sir, need to pop in a romantic comedy this weekend. And take notes. Most women are secretly waiting around for something like that to happen to them."

          i may be presuming and assuming, but are you insinuating that women are getting cues from movies (fantasy) about how to deal with reality?

          unfortunately, this is no better than dudes getting their cues from Maybach Music.

          (yes i threw that in there for the tit-for-tat folks)

        20. I think some women may get their cues from movies. I'm not going to criticize them if they do. On the other hand, I'm not advocating that either. In that comment I was really just trying to school Mr. SD on how a lot of women think- we hope, we believe, we want true love and a prince. Help him see why we may not see the G as clearly as a dude might.

          I didn't want Mr. SD (and others) to think that women really know the truth, but are just so hot for sex that they can't control themselves. To me, that line of thinking might lead a man to excuse the things he does with "Hey, she knew what she was getting into."

          Namean?
          My recent post The Easy Woman

        21. Amicus: "THANK you for pointing out that she actually didn't do anything wrong. Yes, she made the mistake of trusting him, but according to your boy Dr. J, most men don't want a damaged girl with baggage."

          There's a difference between being cautious and being damaged.

          "This is exactly why Dr. J's blog got under my skin. It seems like men want it both ways. They want to treat us badly, and then (when they get ready to settle down) they want us to act like men don't treat us badly."

          Bad men treat women badly. Good and decent men have been played just as good and decent women have.

        22. Yes I think there is a difference (b/t damaged and cautious) but in practice I think they look a lot alike. At least I know I've been accused of being crazy for basically demanding a guy prove that he wasn't lying to me. He was all like…You should trust me because I said so. And I was like…Sorry N* heard that one before, I'll believe it when I see it. In that particular case he turned out to be lying. In my experience, when they start demanding trust and calling you damaged and crazy instead of acknowledging that you have good reason to be that way…they usually are trying to hide the fact that they're lying. In that situation, I felt like I was being cautious but I'm pretty sure the Dr. would call me paranoid and mistrustful. I could be wrong though.

          As for the Good and Decent Man: I see what you're saying, but SORRY- I only have so much time to write and I have to pick and choose my battles. The plight of the Good and Decent man is not my cause. However -just for the record- I love men. Especially Black ones. When they have it together NOTHING on earth is more attractive to me. A lot of the times I'm writing to help black women be what we need to be, but trust me- the black man is on my heart too. The things I say will IMO eventually trickle over and bless our entire community – including the good and decent man.
          My recent post The Easy Woman

        23. Amicus: "Yes I think there is a difference (b/t damaged and cautious) but in practice I think they look a lot alike. At least I know I've been accused of being crazy for basically demanding a guy prove that he wasn't lying to me."

          When someone is running game on you and you see it, yes, he will call you crazy. That's more game.

          Cautious is not giving it up to a guy you only communicate to via text, and only see every few weeks. Damaged is when a guy is putting in work, treating a woman right, and yet she still lumps him in with every other bad experience she had.

          "He was all like…You should trust me because I said so. And I was like…Sorry N* heard that one before, I'll believe it when I see it."

          In which you were smart enough not to fall for the okie doke. If you were with a guy that was genuinely interested in you, he would understand. Granted, he'd still be trying to talk you out of your bra and thong, but he'd understand. And he will still be around, still calling, and still trying to get to know you.

        24. "In my experience, when they start demanding trust and calling you damaged and crazy instead of acknowledging that you have good reason to be that way…they usually are trying to hide the fact that they're lying. In that situation, I felt like I was being cautious but I'm pretty sure the Dr. would call me paranoid and mistrustful. I could be wrong though. "

          I can't speak for Dr. Jackson, he is more than capable of speaking for himself.

          Trust is earned, not demanded. Men that are trying to get to know you don't expect you to give it up right away (although many guys won't complain if you do). Most guys who are interested in you as a person wouldn't call you crazy. And if he did, so what? You move on, you don't get played or suckered into a "relationship" with someone who obviously doesn't care about you, and he gets to run his game on someone else. Everyone's happy.

          Although you should be discerning about who you share your body with, no one has a good reason for being damaged, unless they have genuine mental issues. And those with mental issues should be getting counseling.

        25. Well said. I pretty much think we agree :D. Just one more thing. You're right, no one has an excuse to be damaged (cautious yes, damaged, no). BUT I do think part of loving someone is bearing up under their burdens (baggage) with them. Even when people are working on themselves, wounds take time to heal. And people who love you will understand that.

          PS…I don't actually think you'll disagree with this, but I wanted to say it just to put it out there for people to think about.
          My recent post The Easy Woman

        26. Always amazes me when my name just pops up on another post. I read your response a week ago too. Let me just tell you, from reading this, 1) I think you're damaged, 2) I now think that some dude pulled the okie doke on you, and 3) You love putting words in people's mouths. Look you attributing a lot to me right now. My post wasn't meant to make you feel the way you feel about it. In fact, I think I did a great job making sure that wouldn't happen.

          Facts is facts though, most men don't want damaged women. There's nothing you can do about those men. But why do you want men who don't want you? That's a problem. Men treat a certain woman badly, they don't turn around and want to marry them. We want the wifeys to admit that not every man treats them badly. Sadly if this doesn't apply to you, you'll never understand.

        27. For the record, I think what you said in your blog is very true and I've never said it wasn't. Most men don't want a 'damaged' girl. I also appreciate your stance on dating 'damaged' women. You do it, good for you. In the rest of my post I was merely trying to point out another part of the reality you were dishing out. A part I would have liked for you to point out- cause I think it means a lot coming from a man- but you didn't. It's fine that you didn't because it's YOUR blog. Moreover, I'm pretty sure the point of SBM is to generate discussion that may lead to change. That's why I felt comfortable responding to you by name in MY blog.

          About all the personal stuff you said about me. Sigh…most of it just isn't true. If you read the stuff I write, you'd see that I'm very happy indeed and at least one man (my fiance) thinks I'm wife material (although the reason I said yes to him is because he doesn't say sh*t like that). The part that may be true is that I can sometimes put words in people's mouth. If you feel I did that to you. My bad, please correct me.

          About making me feel or not feel stuff? Lol, don't worry… you can't! I feel what I feel because of my own opinions on what I see going on in my (our) community. Period. For what it's worth, I appreciate you trying to make me feel better about it in your blog- I guess.

          about the
          My recent post The Damaged Girl: A Response to Dr. J

        28. wow….tell them how you feel. I got her points but I also understand yours as well. You like a woman who is resilient. Question: " Do you think the way in which you responded to her comments was that of a person who is resilient or damaged?" If someone who doesn't agree with your point why be so quick to label, forecast, and insult. You are obviously intelligent young man. I am just saying that if you felt misunderstood, its simple restate but to go on a tirade clarifies not your point but sadly something else.

        29. Your posts and comments are so negative, I think I'm going to have to stop reading them. They just come from a bitter, angry place. Perhaps you know a what damaged looks like because you too are damaged? You seem to purposely alienate your readers at times…

        30. monique: "It is so easy to become cold, mean and bitter but it takes strength to define a situation rather than allowing it to define you."

          There it is. The main issue is defining what is exactly "damaged" and what is "cautious", and what is an appropriate response to someone that is only trying to sleep with you. Dr J's and Amicus' disagreement is just on those terms, and there's not much of a difference between what Amicus and I are saying.

          If you think you are an attractive woman, you should expect that some men are going to want you only for your body. Once it's clear that he only is contacting you periodically but is still trying to get in your panties, there's no need to be bitter or angry. Just inform him that it ain't that type of party, and you only give boyfriend/husband benefits to boyfriends and husbands.

        31. Man, I wish I could give this more than one thumbs up!

          "This is exactly why Dr. J's blog got under my skin. It seems like men want it both ways. They want to treat us badly, and then (when they get ready to settle down) they want us to act like men don't treat us badly."

          I agree with this statement, with your sentiment on Dr. J's blog, and I've DEFINITELY seen this phenomenon.

      3. Most sometimes women can be just as bad as men so I've heard. There are some "single wives" out here just like there are "single husbands/boyfriends"

      4. Most,
        there are "single wives/girlfriends" just like there are "single husbands/boyfriends"
        being happy in a relationship is relative……nobody is happy all the time.

      5. This happened to me the day before yesterday. We met, he told me straight up, and that was that. We talked for an hour at the coffee shop, I declined further contact but thanked him honestly for the hour of great conversation. What will happen (in my case) is based on chemistry and my intuition. Him? He was an azz, so it was easy- no thank you. The nexy one could be more charming, and I could be hornier, and we might have a different outcome.

        1. See Chunk that's because you a grown ass woman and you know the game. You seen right through dudes bs.

  4. Woooooow… First, thank her for sharing the story. Secondly, what a way to find out!

    I’ve always told my friends to beware of men with children under the age of three. A lot of times, not all the time, those men are still entangled with the mother of their child in some way that would make them, my friends, uncomfortable. I al so don’t do the “still living with” situations. I’ve been on both sides. Was stilling living with an ex and dating and the brotha I was seeing had a very hard time trusting me. So when down the line, when men would say they were in those situations, I’d move around with the quickness. I figured no man could really trust a woman still living with her ex because if he were still living with his…he’d be smashing. *shrug*

    I can see why she believed him. She’d been in NY for a year and was having a hard time dating. That mess bruises the ego then along comes him… Im glad your friend found out. I hope she had a good cry and got that man out of her system.

  5. "I've never heard of a woman who was in a happy relationship who was pretending to be single."

    This is the beauty of most women…so glad they're not like us..lol

  6. Can you blame a woman that took a man for his word? Should she have looked for the signs better? We can all have our opinions, but who can really judge we we all made our mistakes.

    1. You can't blame her, but she has to learn. It's a matter of self preservation. I will say, however, that we wouldn't have to learn to mistrust men's words, if men would stop lying through their teeth to take advantage of a body that doesn't belong to them. Call me uppity, but I feel OK judging that level of selfishness.
      My recent post The Easy Woman

      1. But who is to say that a subset can result in the stigma of the whole. Do I believe all men are selfish? No. Because this would include me that raised me.would it not? Or is it that we pick and choose who we include and exclude. She was a woman that took a chance on a man and wanted to believe him. Have I been in her situation? No. So I can’t speak on how I wouldn’t handle a situation not presented to me. I can go on and on about my hypothetical answers, but those are brain cells waisted. I do believe alot of men out here act carelessly and without penance but when we woman have accepted that, and worse turned the other cheek, can you blame them? We sit here and put ourselves on display for a man to “choose” us so the more skin the better because what man doesn’t enjoy seeing exactly what your working with? But then are confused why these men wont do justice by us?? Have we not set ourselves back? Has the womans movment not become nullified by the rising of stop clubs where our bodies are the main attraction? Wasn’t the goal to be treated as an equal with respect and dignity? Have we not settled for what’s out there because ” hey these are the men out here, you just have to deal with it” how many times has a friend given that advice?

        1. I don't think all men are selfish. Of course not, I have a wonderful father and a my fiance is the best person (man or woman) that I know-very selfless. However, I don't blame women or the women's lib movement for the men that do lie and take advantage of a person's trust. A person who's doing what's right (IMO) does justice by people because of who HE/SHE is…not because of how the other person is dressed or undressed. I agree that women have to set a higher standard. But I also think that men (everyone really) should be taking responsibility for acting with integrity no matter if it's demanded from them-or not.
          My recent post The Easy Woman

  7. Sigh! As soon as I read his first text message a little flag went up in my head. I thought, huh? That doesn't sound like ANY man I know. Actually, it made me think of a "boy meets girl" scene from a Tyler Perry movie. He sounded totally fake… like a real guy trying to play the part of a nice guy.

    So, no. If I were Samantha- and I've been in Samantha's initial position before- I would not have been fooled by Mr. NYPD. What she should have done is been super sweet and sexy but, at the same time, made it VERY clear to him that he was not going to get sex from her for a loooong indefinite while. Then, she should have watched how his interest in her waned or strengthened over the next 6 month. In this case it would have waned. And THEN, if she wanted to…she could have slept with him. In this case it never should have gone that far.

    Samantha's mistake was that she "played" hard to get instead of actually being hard to get. I wrote a whole blog just for women like her. If you've been in Samantha's position…you should read it, and let me know what you think. If dating is a game, come ooon LADIES…these guys are killing us! We're the keepers of the coochie, which means we control the ultimate trump card. Let's raise the bar!!!!!!
    My recent post Being Hard to Get: The Do's and Don'ts of Dating

    1. Oh, if only it were as simple as, 'If he waits for the nani, he really likes me, cause he waited.' Who waited? Waited for what? To have sex with you, that's it. He wasn't celebrate that whole time. He's still hitting other nani. You waited. Not him. Being a hard egg to crack may just make you a more appealing prize. Liars lie. Cheaters cheat. You do your best to avoid them, but there is no fool proof plan. We're playing by the rules and the cheaters…well, they're cheating.

      Waiting longer does give you more time to figure it out, but IMO it's dangerous to use it as an indication of his interest.

      1. "We're playing by the rules and the cheaters…well, they're cheating"
        Exactly Starita……players gonna play regardless. Men know how to adapt if nothing else.
        I think women essentially just need to be smarter about how they date and not get too emotionally involved too soon. Folks also need to use common sense and always always always Listen to your gut instincts and follow them. If it' don't seem, look, or feel right fall back.

      2. I actually agree! In theory. In reality, I've dated dozens of guys and have never had a bad one linger more than a month or so once I'd convinced him the coochie was indefinitely closed. However, I see how a really patient, really dirty guy could exist in theory. And yes, waiting IMO does give her time to test the genuineness of his interest- which is a huge plus. I wasn't trying to suggest that there is a fool proof plan. IMO there isn't one. BUT I will say that I faithfully followed what I outlined above…and I've never played the fool.

        I also think Samantha shouldn't have waited around for a YEAR to get into an exclusive relationship with him. What she had going on…texts/dates/sex…was a SHAMship.
        My recent post The SHAMship: Are You Getting His Very Best?

      3. lol that I wrote "celebrate" instead of "celibate"… *smh* can't even blame my phone…

        But regarding your response Amicus, "I also think Samantha shouldn't have waited around for a YEAR to get into an exclusive relationship with him. What she had going on…texts/dates/sex…was a SHAMship. " Now we can't possibly know what happened for an entire year of Sam and Officer Friendly's relationship, but I definitely got the feeling that it turned into a normal, "exclusive" relationship where he spent adequate time with her and they functioned normally as partners. Sure, he had to disappear a lot for work or Jr's doctor's appointments or school plays. But are you really gonna leave a "good" man cause he's a dedicated father and caring, involved officer of the law? Naw, you stuff all that down. You're understanding and supportive. You're down for your man. You trust each other. You listen to all the people that say women are single cause they're too damaged and suspicious. You hear how your girls are being dogged in the dating world (or ish, by their man) and you thank your lucky stars you got you such a good man. Let's be realistic people. Sure our spidey senses went off when he was cancelling dates, when he said he was living in his son's mother's home, but we're also completely removed. We know it's a "story" we assume there's a twist.. We weren't there when he looked into her eyes and assured her of how different from any other woman he's ever met before she was and sold her dreams. Ish happens.

        Yeah I hope Sam learned from this unfortunate incident, but I also hope she doesn't take everyone's advice and never trust a man again. Men really do have to work late sometimes. Fathers really do HOPEFULLY spend a lot of time with their children. Children really do get sick even if you've been planning a romantic night out for a month. There's gotta be a balance between "well women are just stupid and naive and desperate" and "trust NO MAN".

        1. True that Starita……there has to be a middle ground and not one extreme or the other of either being too naive or not trusting any man ever again.
          She should learn from this and move on. When you trust and believe in the "Right Man' it's truly a beautiful thing………everything God intended it to be…….again, the emphasis is on choosing and believing in the Right Man.

        2. 'Rita – you and I both know what happened. Officer Friendly got her with that night stick, and she became confused. Plus he used the Chivalry Swindle.

          Loooove your (our) shoes! Do our feet hurt when we walk in those? lol

        3. LOL, girl I'm not saying some heavy richard didn't factor in at all. :-p Everyone just acting like the first time a dude flakes on them it's a wrap. Ain't no damn wrap or we wouldn't relate so well to these villain stories.

          LMAO at "our" shoes. Tef, those shoes are comfy, all about a solid heel. Stay in your lane and stay away from the spiked heels and you can wear 6 inch heels no prob (platforms are a blessing too – 6 inch heel, but only a 4 inch incline on your arch #Win). Start with a wedge if you're scurred. 😉 "We" got pretty feet 🙂

      4. yeah, I got you but it all depends on what you are doing in the wait period. Ask him a few questions or wait on those questions to be validated. Eventually, you will watch that house of cards he put together collaspe. Truth is, some people don't want to see the obvious. They want what they want and than want to scream foul when it time to feel the consequence of their choosen blindness.

        1. Like for example, she could have asked to meet the 'ex" If they had this great understanding as he claimed than it wouldn't be a problem, right? Best case scenario would be to just wait until he moves out. Postpone being lovers and just be friends until time decides it shall be otherwise.

        2. And when she demanded to meet the ex and he introduced her to one of his friendgirls that was down to deceive Sam and pretend to be the child's mother and cool with him dating Sam and then Sam believed him then, like the sucker we silly women are, then what?

          He was not playing fair. She could've done a lot. And she may have, we don't know.

        3. Yeah, I considered that which is why I suggest waiting him out would be the best case scenario. Also, date others who are more transparent and less complex in the meantime if your loneliness haunts you so. Most people who are deceivers despise questions. If your requests requires a bit of effort and it's just about sex for him, I am sure he's going to weigh his options and select a person who doesn't assume or ask anything, i.e. someone easy, naive. If he picks up that you are not a slow leak, he will gradually make a exit. He's not looking for mate, a headache, or someone to jump through hoops for, but just some fun on the side.

        1. I agree with you that is why I suggested the best case scenario was to wait him out. Asking questions lets him know you are engaged in what is happening around you. Most deceivers aren't going to put forth a lot of effort over the long haul. Most times, they are going to move onto a mark that ask the least questions and assumes nothing. He's not looking for another mate, headache, or hoop to jump through, just simply sex. Ask questions that needed verifications and watch him slowly exit.

  8. Oh man, that was so messed up! I am a distrustful by nature, so I would have not done anything with him until he moved out. It’s one thing to have a female roommate, it’s another thing to live with a woman you obviously used to sleep with. I think your friend was really lonely and she seems like a nice girl. Instead of focusing so much on finding a man she needs to find more “friends”. Because they should have been there pumping the breaks on that. Long periods in between texting? Living with your baby mama? Postponing the moving out? She may have been in love but her friends should have been there to give her some advice!

  9. This is my story except I have children. I’m also studying for my masters and I’m a fitness instructor. I was at a “just focus on work, school, children and God” place when an “everything I could want” package approached me. I def had a wall and he worked even harder to tear it down. I finally gave in but things were not adding like how he always called while traveling, saw me on the same days like clockwork, etc. Not only did I discover he was married but he was the father of a child and one on the way with his wife. When I found out, he never responded, never admitted, never said “I’m sorry”. He also had a large public position in another city which I later discovered. Yes, I’ve been angry at men. I’ve been through some serious heartache with the few who have touched my heart only to allow them to crush it. Ive been just as angry at myself for not “seeing” when I needed to or using my head instead of being let by strictly emotions. I don’t want to be a garbage toter but I seriously have doubts about the existence of “good men”. I could say more. …I have books of my own but I’m all for the empowerment of women. Sometimes we attract the same doggish men because of “us”. The common factor in my relationships has been me. There is something in me that has unconsciously told these idiots that it’s ok to handle me like crap just for your own interests and needs. When women discover who they really are, they will discover what they really want and will by all means accomplish it. The man comes as a compliment to that, not as a supplement. This realization, education of self with the use of common sense, can help women avoid these idiots. (sorry for typos. Using my cell)

  10. Ah!! These stories.
    He said he was a father of 1 and was co-parenting with no issues from mother of child. Strange thing is, this one was really crafty. He did his best to include me in his busy time; Skype while he was working, calls during work breaks, nice texts throughout the day, arranged a meeting with a woman he said was Mum (not sure who she is), no lonely holidays; overall sweet guy. There was no doubt that such sweetness and concern would come from a good place. He put in work to ensure I never felt "neglected". O, little did I know this one was neglecting his duties and looking for a new conquest away from his very complicated life.

    I would have never known I was the other woman til the mother of some of his children (I found out then that he had more than one) found my info, called and gave me the full story (the story was sick, twisted and sad). God bless her kind soul, when I remember I pray for her till this day. When I explained my side to her, it was so shocking to see a man work so hard to live a lie. I was exhausted for him. The funny thing is, the moment I heard the truth, I walked away and NEVER looked back. I think I cried once because someone with a similar story shared hers. Sadly, she was carrying a child for her "man". I did not have to worry about this and I shed tears of gratitude.

    That day marked the last time I would consider a man with a child (unfair I know). I took time to really reflect on myself, and how I was easily deceived. He might have worked hard at his lie but I know now that I disregarded some internal red flags. I took stock of the entire situation, gave him props for being slick(in my head of course) and decided I would be more vigilant. That experience helped me in my dating life afterwards. It left me with a ton of trust issues though. I was suspicious of every man that tried to date me. Now, I am soon to be married and I had to face those issues and work through them so my Fiance would not continue to suffer for something that happened before him. I am grateful I went through that whole ordeal, it heightened my BS sensors (does wonders for my friends relationships), it exposed some weak areas in my life and it just helped me grow overall. I can understand Samantha's story, I wish she turned away the minute he canceled more than 1 date.

  11. It is because a lot of men KNOW that a lot of women are going to “see what happens” after the men say “we’re not together but we live together” that this type of stuff keeps happening.
    I was there. At first, it was he was divorced. Then it was he aasn’t divorced yet, but in the process. Then it was “I’m sleeping in the couch in my wife’s house until we can figure out how to tell the kids their parents are splitting up.”
    There should be NO “pink” flags. If you don’t think you wanna be trying to roll with a kid that’s not yours, just don’t go there. And that kid’s mother/father (if not deAd or out of the country) IS IN THE PICTURE. You gotta know how to deal with that…you gotta know if you even WANT to deal with that.
    And if a man EVER says to a woman “we’re not together, but we live together” & they have had sex before, and you are not trying to be in a share relationship, please let that man know it was nice knowing him and let him move around.
    It’ll be a lil sad to start (especially if he easy to talk to) but best to safe your heartache for someone better suited for it. LOL Really, end that before you start that.

  12. This was really interesting to read. Situations like this can be really hard because if you’re an honest person, you expect honesty from others, but many times that is not the case. I almost found myself in a similar situation with a guy who I had known for a long time. I knew he had been interested in me since high school, but we never got together for a variety of reasons. Eventually, I found out that he has a son and gave me the same story about his son’s mother. However, I didn’t believe him, so I refused to get involved with him romantically. I told him that when he is done working the situation out with her and I was still available and interested, then maybe I would give him a chance. It’s a good thing that I did because it has been over year since he told me that mess and he is still living with his child’s mother and in arelationship with her.

  13. She got caught on that ‘ol “Friends” Ross and Rachel swindle. We not together. We just live together for the baby. I’m wondering if her strong desire for companionship partially blinded her to his BS? Or perhaps being from another place made her less trusting and more susceptible to “game”……weak game as it was.

  14. This was well written. I figured the guy was lying but I was interested in seeing how far he would get. I do have a question – did "Samantha" ever meet his son?

  15. Eventually, the haze that had covered my eyes cleared and I began to pull away. He didn’t fight it.</b? As spring gave way to summer, a year after we’d initially met, our relationship was over. I was fine…But as fall gave way to winter, he started in again with the text messages. He eventually invited himself over and in that moment, nothing seemed more appealing than the warmth of his strong hands.

    He brought food, but we didn’t eat. We didn’t talk or catch up. We barely exchanged pleasantries. Before I knew it we were in bed and before I knew we were having sex, it was over. No passion, no tenderness, not even a semblance of the chemistry we once had. Just sex and then sleep. I woke up to an empty bed.

    I can partially understand the naiveté of the initial encounter and trying to make it work. It was round two that was the giveaway. He at least tried to put work in at first. But when things devolve into giving boyfriend privileges with a man putting forth FWB effort, the results are unlikely to be in a woman's favor.

  16. My spidey senses were tingling from the first text he sent about the "situation". I didn't foresee that exact ending, but I did expect to find out that it had all been a sham. I'm truly sorry your friend had to go through that.

    I haven't been in a situation quite like hers, but I can understand her falling for it. You want to believe that people are genuine and not quite so manipulative as you've heard and may have even witnessed. Back when I was just entering University, I had this extremely naive and optimistic outlook……I would've lapped it all up. Although I wasn't victim to this sort of thing, I did sharpen up after awhile. I put it to good use and heeded some red flags from someone I briefly dated. He seemed flabbergasted when I ended it, but if we're going to play any games, I'll opt for one called Self-preservation.

    It's important to note that I'm not dealing with going from a situation where I was a hot commodity to one where I couldn't for the life of me find a man to come correct. That definitely had an impact, and she was happy to find this "catch" and more eager to forgive his sticky situation than she might have been if she were otherwise loaded with options. Because I've learned what can happen when you put your heart and the butterflies in your stomach ahead of warning signs, I would've excused myself from the acquaintanceship. There were too many strikes here. 1) He's living with an ex. That in and of itself spells danger. Even if they aren't always on the best terms, a familiar body is easy to gravitate to. 2) He has a child with the woman. I'd be more likely to consider a man with a child if he weren't living with the woman. At best, they really are at odds with each other but still in danger of falling into old habits. At the worst, I'm being played for a fool by a man with a family. I'm not comfortable with either case.

    All this is hypothetical, of course. The man is a professional charmer/con artist, and it's great to believe that you're immune until someone seriously challenges you. The key is taking a solid stance early on, and being adamant about not providing him with a chance to grow on you.

      1. I was thinking the first text was off too…….It's a shame that "Sam" got played just because she was a nice trusting person.
        Unfortunately these situations always end up putting a person on the opposite extreme end of the spectrum. They start off trusting everyone until they have a reason not to….they get burned by lying cheating azzholes and end up being bitter and overly cautious and trust no one….not even the right ones.
        Damn shame.

      2. Yep. But the thing is (and correct me if I'm wrong here since I'm too lazy to go back & read again), she felt the same way. The problem is that she allowed him the opportunity to weasel his way in further. But I can understand giving someone the benefit of the doubt, especially if he's acting like a gentleman. Minus the lack of phone calls, that is.

    1. Naija you always break stuff down so eloquently. My reaction to his situation with the ex was an eyeroll and a muttered, "N***a please." lol.

  17. Pretty well-written and great climax! Kudos to your friend for being brave enough to share

    I don't know though, I hear/read stories like this and it's like at what point are women gonna be more astute to different manners of game play we have? A guy that claims he really digs you, but is constantly flaky should be a red flag. A guy that can text you all day but never calls should be a red flag. And definitely a guy w/ a kid under the age of 4 is still or has the option to be overly involved w/ the child's mother. To me, those are just small, basic things that should have the average, level-headed woman leery already.

    Maybe the counteraction to that is when a woman is seeking the attention and affection of a certain type of guy, she suddenly reverts to an inexperienced, novice dater. 1 thing I can say is it's ironic to me that in a city like NY (where there's many single dudes on the up and up), great women still fall into the tangled web of the weak 1s.
    My recent post NBA’s Midseason Report – The Bad

      1. Classy you know you're my girl but I can't give any extra exposition! Everything you're supposed to know about her is in the post … lol!

        1. yea if shes between 21-25 then she might get a pass for this one but anything over she was playing herself from jump street. After a certain age you cant keep playing the naive card .

  18. she settled for less than what she wanted, then got played
    hope the sex was worth it
    i'm sure it was for him

  19. yeah she got hit with the okie-doke. it happens. people get caught up in feelings and they don't want to see the truth even though its plain as day. in this situation all the red flags were there from the beginning. i guess the need for companionship overrode common sense.

    i think i've encountered something similar but not to that level. i was a lot younger than i am now but i was feeling a woman so much that ignored all the signs that pointed to her having a boyfriend and me being the side piece. it took outside opinions for me to finally see the light and move on.
    My recent post This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free

    1. "i guess the need for companionship overrode common sense"

      ^^^ I think such is the case for many pseudo-relationships. Because I'm 95% sure if a chick's friend told her the exact same story, she'd be like "don't be blind. Dude has a wife or girlfriend". But when it's them in the situation, suddenly they're giving dude the benefit of the doubt. The irony
      My recent post Love Languages and Learning How To Love

  20. Oh, 2008…how I don't miss thee, LOL…smh. Yup…I've kinda been there. I was just getting out of my marriage and rekindling things with my first love. Whomp whomp. His son and son's mother was living with him cause "they had no where else to go"…but they weren't together. He told me from the jump…cause when we first started chatting, it was not with the intent on rekindling anything. We spent a lot of time together…and when I'd go by the house, she'd wave and speak! LMBO…smh. I'm glad I can laugh now. Anyhoot, I don't know if he was lying or not…she never came at me wrong or tried to rat him out. All I know is…I blame my dealings with him on 3 months of temporary insanity, LMBO. I'm pretty sure Samantha saw other flags as time progressed that turned that pink flag red. Gotta be real about those flags, Man. That's pretty much the end all, be all.

  21. A male friend of mine has a somewhat similar story. He moved his daughter's mother to where he is now living. They live together, but he's not happy. He doesn't date or have relations with other women out of respect. Their relationship is dead, but he's holding on for the sake of keeping the family unit together. Sad. He's giving up his happiness for the sake of just being a family.

    Any man or woman who lives with the mother/father of there child is still involved with them. Period. We have all had the blinders on.

  22. I love the writing, and the story line! As for Samantha *shrug*. You live and you learn. As long as she's not sitting somewhere with this man's baby or an std she'll be aight.

    Please don't get it twisted I'm gonna have to roll with Mr. SD on this one women are NOT that dumb but we are willing to overlook quite a bit when a man is tall, handsome, carries a gun and can bend you over and cuff you anytime, lol. But if you're gonna be a G you have to be one all the way, that means kicking his fine azz out after you've played Cops and Robbers. The moment he started talkin' bout his little "situation" his status went from Mr. Could Be Right to Mr. Could Be Good for a Minute.

  23. Seriously, somebody tells you the "we're just together for our kid" KEEP IT MOVING. Period. Period. Period! Nothing to see, just KEEP it moving.

    1. Actually I know 2 people who are married but seperated and back in 2009 around the height of the recession they couldn't afford to live apart so they lived together. A former cowrker and her husband had a big enough house that they could live in seperate quarters so thats what they did. They both dated and had s/o's. They honestly only lived together for financial reasons.
      I also had a guy friend who was going through a seperation from his wife and during that time he moved to their basement and lived there for almost a year. Reality is it takes time and money to seperate as far as finances, finding another residence and put yourself in a position where you can go back to being financially stable living single again.
      Your instincts almost always tell you when someone is bsing you and when they are forreal.
      One thing I can say, when a man seriously wanted me and showed me that he wanted, me I never ever had a single doubt about it. There was never any question about his intentions.

  24. The only time anything like this has happened to me is when I've been in long distance relationships, and when the guy was from another country and his "wife" was in his home country and he was here in the U.S.
    Still it hardly ever takes me very long to figure out when someone is bsing. Most times it's a matter of not getting carried away with your emotions too soon and seeing things for how they truly are, not how you want them to be.
    One thing I've learned in my 30 plus years of seeing relationships and dating and all is that when you demand more from a person ie call them on their sh** and voice your questions and concerns early on and change and shake things up then many times you can get the truth much sooner.

  25. Love her writing!!! And I appreciate her for being so open to share her experiences. I'm looking forward to rest of the series from her!

    I have been in a situation like this before. I don't blame her at all because I have been in her exact shoes. I learned many things over my dating years. That when someone needs to have a talk or holds off not telling you anything, keeps canceling dates, etc then there is an issue and I remain cautious. It doesn't mean they aren't good people but we have to learn to discern the game up front. Even when you think you have, sometimes it's not something you could have seen coming in the first place.

    Like she mentioned, there are those "pink" flags. Usually my intuition kicks in and I start asking the right questions – those direct ones where you either have to lie or tell the truth. If there's too much hesitation, then I will leave the person alone or they will realize I'm not falling for it and step back. I realized long ago, if people were more honest with each other, things would be much better. I am not supporting cheating. All I'm saying is that if a person is in any sort of situation, it should be brought up and discussed sooner rather than later.

    From the truly mature and grown men I've dated in my time, they taught me real quick that a man who's serious about you or about his own business/life will cut straight to the chase and tell you up front all you need to know to make a decision one way or the other.

    Really loving her posts and cannot wait to read more!!!
    My recent post If You Don’t Like My Peaches Why Do You Shake My Tree?

  26. I'm going to be cruel here. "Samantha" fell for this…because she wanted to fall for it. She's lonely in a big city and this tall, handsome man says and does just the right thing. She gets to live out that romantic fantasy. I'm not saying Officer Friendly was in the right. Far from it. But he's not the only one that's accountable here.

    Remember how she mentioned "pink flags"? This tells me that she had a clue something was amiss. Despite any misgivings, she proceeded anyway. Everyone has intuition…everyone. Call it an "inner voice", "funny feeling", or even your "Spidey Sense". It's what protects you, lets you know if you run, fight, or just keep cool. "Samantha" willfully ignored her intuition. There's no denying it. This guy had a few key qualities that she was looking for, and she got burned.

    If this dude looked like Kenan Thompson, or was 5'9", or didn't have quite as much game, he wouldn't have even gotten a phone number. Nothing wrong with that, really. But when it causes you to suppress your instincts, it's time to take a look in the proverbial mirror.

    1. "Samantha" fell for this…because she wanted to fall for it.
      Yeah, I agree, she wanted to believe that a man wouldn't lie to her effin face for a year. She probably also wanted to believe that he wouldn't disrespect her and his family at home just for some strange warm and gushy.

      If this dude looked like Kenan Thompson, or was 5'9", or didn't have quite as much game, he wouldn't have even gotten a phone number.
      So if he were a totally different person, she may not have been interested?
      Oh.

  27. The red flag was the child that caused all the cancelling of dates. I think we all have our fair share of friends that are parents (single or married). I don't know about the other readers but when my friends that have children make plans, very rarely do they have to cancel. Now, sometimes things happen…but that "I live with my ex but it's temporary" story? Red flag with red flashing lights held by a man in a red suit. It should have ended there with "call me when you move out."

    1. What!? You ain't have the #BabysitterStruggle? Maaaan, I know when I invite my friends with kids ANYWHERE it's about a 50/50 shot they'll actually bring their happy tails… *smh*

  28. My face throughout this story: :-O

    For a couple reasons in fact.

    1. How absolutely well this story is told. Like, the way the words flow and carry more meaning had me entranced.

    2. Well, the obvious. What actually happened in the story. The ups, the downs… the shocking moments.

    1. ETA:

      Overall, I am SO looking forward to this series. Great work, you two. And I think this statement here (the last sentence) was the truest of them all:

      "I thought about whether or not I believed him, whether I believed that this nice man that I’d met would be that manipulative, that shady to tell a woman he wanted to cheat with that he lived with his baby’s mother but that they weren’t together. That prospect seemed so far fetched that I actually believed he was telling the truth."

      I stepped back and was like… "That makes all the sense in the world." Because it did. Sometimes folks do say things that are SO way outta left field that you can't even BELIEVE that they'll even try to make that up and pull one over you so you're like… "Nawl, they couldn't try that. It's too obvious. It must be true." Wow…

  29. Damn .. whelp sometimes you just have to take the L and move on. I can understand why Sam was so willing to give it a chance. When you been in a city for one yr and haven’t been on one date, MR. Hell no will start to look like Mr. Maybe it won’t hurt to try. As far as ol' boy telling her the situation of course he's going to make it look as innocent as possible and even when she saw that red flag, she probably went through the whole "well at least he's being real with me" thought and just hoped for the best.
    But I think this mind set and action is common amongst women until they stop accepting non-sense and get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sometimes we make ourselves pray for the "wolves” to fest on. Also when you see a red flag don’t try to be optimistic and make it "pink" it’s a red flag look it understand it and move on to the next guy.

    1. Also there’s a difference in actually being naïve and playing naive so you won’t have to face the truth, I think Sam was playing a little more naïve than she actually was because she didn’t want to let go of something that she thought would be good.

  30. i suppose i'm the only one here who would've side eyed the hell out of mr officer and not responded anymore when he said he had a child and was living with the mother. he was already on thin ice from having canceled numerous times. i've actually had two men say this to me, and yeah, they got none of my time. if you're living with your child's mother, that needs to be your focus. i'm definitely not going to be one contributing to any part of a man's foolishness with a child involved. nope.

    we women have a tendency to make truth out of any lie a man tells when we want the man in our life. common sense and logic will tell you one thing, and your heart will twist that into something and make your own sense wrong. you know how many men would seriously date a woman who told them she was living with the father of her two year old solely for financial reasons? very very few. i'm betting less than 5%. you know why? self-preservation. us womenfolk have a penchant for masochism it seems.
    My recent post my messy arse desk– an observation

    1. Muze I was thinking the same thing. First question would've been why all the texting?__I would've called him sometimes when he texted. If he didn't answer or replied with a text I would've told him I had corpal tunnel in my thumbs and couldn't text so he must do more calling than texting.__I would've questioned so much stuff that didn't sound right to me he would've probably got__impatient and irritated and been like the hell wit her and been long gone

    2. If I know you're a hardcore texter and I have no other reason to be suspicious, I'd likely indulge you as long as you're providing me with an adequate amount of phone & face time to go with it. So the answer is no, unless that's all you do.

  31. Thanks the girl for me Most for putting her scenario out there… And I as always enjoy a lively comments section….

    I notice women tend to be enlightened only after they get old, fat, ugly or have a child… But I am hoping my female contemporaries (I am 23, turning 24 next week, arrrgh) and getting smarter & wifed up while the iron is still hot…

    Deep appreciation for sharing

    SSTTE

  32. Rae, just for clarity's sake, the writing is mine

    lol, I was about to say. Most's hand was all up in that. The writing, that is.

      1. Naija, our spam filters caught a couple of yours – not sure why. I think I just released them all.

        Sarah – I'm really sorry – would loved to have read your comment. We've had a couple issues lately and are working to improve. Thanks for reading and responding though. Truly appreciated.

        1. I'll make sure to try again on the next post in the series cause I will definitely be following this. Side note: I can't access your website from my cell phone, it says my provider restricts access to this site (Tmobile, not a voluntary choice), I talked to Tmobile and they said they basically only restrict websites with pornographic content (they watching out for our morals??) and did not know why your website was blocked.
          My recent post Dagens lektion

  33. This was a great read…I am looking forward to the rest of the series! Definitely didn't expect the outcome of this story to be the way that it was! Very interesting…..conversation starter for sure!

  34. Hindsight's 20/20. People will always say, "she stupid for that! I would've stopped talking to him from the first sign!" Sorry, I don't buy that. Could've happened to anyone. Although yes, perhaps a little more communication and research would've helped her. But you live and learn.

  35. I'm definitely looking forward to the series! the writing is so beautiful.

    After reading this story I personally know of three girls in this situation. 1) got out like Samantha, 2) has three kids by the dude and he's still not divorced from his wife 3) still in and wading.
    I dont know if it's the idea of possibilities or not, but I think at some point we all reach a point where we want to believe beyond the facts.
    You get out, you get in, you live, you learn… it's all a process. I think Sam now has an opportunity to reflect and forgive herself; absolve the blame from the relationship and leave it at that… a relationship that ended.
    I saw to myself all the time, can't no person be that mean, deceitful, or oblivious to the hurt from their actions. But it happens all the time and you reach a point where you just move on and move forward.
    I can't wait to hear the other parts of the story 🙂
    My recent post How can you mend a broken heart?

  36. It happens to the best of us. We want to trust and be understanding. Not suspicious and nagging. I met a guy several months ago who told me he has a small child and he also did that whole cancel on plans thing. I just stopped taking responding to his messages. My time is precious and, as a parent, I know what it's like when babies are small. So I fell back.

    She had faith in this situation and there's no fault in that. It's a sincerity that many of us lose as we become jaded from encounters with deceitful individuals.

  37. I had a bad experience. When I tell it now most people will tell me I deserved it for being so naive….maybe that's true. Long story short – we were doing long distance – he had a son (I knew and loved that little boy). This guy moved to Canada for me, we were living together but he had to go back and forth a couple times. It was the STI's that I finally got some truth. This dipsh*t told me his sister was in the hospital dying just for a reason to go back home. Really it was to get with his other girlfriend back home (not baby mama). And based on the fact that he gave me TWO STI's makes me pretty dang sure he was sleeping with more than just his other "gf", despite his constant denial. That was a HARD lesson I learned and I'm still working through the knots. I didn't know lying like that existed.

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