Home Featured Women Are Right: Men are the New Ball and Chain

Women Are Right: Men are the New Ball and Chain

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Gentlemen, stop fighting it...

I realized something that would have helped me exponentially when I was forcibly lumped into joined  the “relationship” blogging genre. Women are right. This is why, despite my best efforts at careful wording, precise grammar, and MLA approved on-line citation formatting for references, my opinion would never matter if it ever ran contrary to the majority of women. While this site self-describes itself as The Source for the Black Male Perspective, let’s be clear, it doesn’t matter if I’m talking about men, black or other, because women are subject matter experts in that field too. In essence, men’s opinions don’t matter, because men are no longer needed. The quicker we accept this demotion, the better.

You can care about the well-being of women but only in areas they deem ok for you to care. All other subjects are off limit. If you don’t agree with them, despite your best intentions, you are not part of the cure, you are part of the problem, and therefore, the enemy. Your opinion is only welcome when it aligns with what they’re already thinking. Ironically, this theme sounds eerily deja vu of a gender whose power is in upheaval.

In fact, the more women dominate, the more they behave, fittingly, like the dominant sex.The Atlantic

Do today's men know how to be men?

Quit complaining and “man up” is what they might be quick to dismiss you with. This implies today’s women must know how men should act, since clearly from their perspective you are not acting like one,  hence their suggestion you “man up.” Know your role, whatever that means in this day and age. While no one seems to know for sure, it is still a familiar rhetoric flung recklessly at men whom women believe fail to sufficiently follow an ever changing and unwritten script. Is a real man best depicted through the chauvinistic and adulterous, yet desirably dominant by most women’s own admittance, character portrayed by Don Draper in AMC’s Mad Men? Is a man best embodied in the felony convicted, tattooed covered, R&B crooning, Mr. He Can Beat Me himself and top selling artist, Chris Brown? Or is Aubrey, the auto-tune R&B singing Canadian rapper, cardigan sweater wearing, conflicted emotions ranging between misogynist and the glorification of love, you might know him as Drake, the embodiment of a man? Is a real man responsible for atonement for the absentee father, x-boyfriend, abuser, accuser, cheater? Or is he responsible for living up to the man who long since departed but whose reputation has manifested itself in the figments of her imagination as perfection, affectionately known as #HIM (Her Imaginary Man)?

See Also:  The Princess and the Frog: Why We Stay in Bad Relationships

THE END OF MEN

That was the headline blazoned across my inbox after a helpful reader forwarded this article for digestion (For the record, I welcome articles/opinions/constructive criticism: wisdomismisery at gmail dot com). I had noticed a pattern of similarly themed articles. I was reminded of the How to Raise the Men We’d Want to Marry article over on CNN, originally posted on Oprah.com, which makes no mention of the use of a father’s role in raising…men. A more recent reading of Huffington Post’s Myth of Male Weakness, which made passing reference to the The End of Men article floated on the precipice of the part of my brain that begins to forget past events. I took a deep breath, braced myself for the worst, and opened the article.

IF YOU REALLY want to see where the world is headed, of course, looking at the current workforce can get you only so far. To see the future—of the workforce, the economy, and the culture—you need to spend some time at America’s colleges and professional schools, where a quiet revolution is under way. More than ever, college is the gateway to economic success, a necessary precondition for moving into the upper-middle class—and increasingly even the middle class. It’s this broad, striving middle class that defines our society. And demographically, we can see with absolute clarity that in the coming decades the middle class will be dominated by women.

It’s a long article but I read it in its entirety. I found none of it overwhelmingly shocking. I also found none of it intimidating. However, I did find it very interesting. Traditional gender roles are clearly changing but expectations lag behind. I wouldn’t say it’s for the better nor would I say it’s for the worse. It is, without a doubt, different and whether we like it or not we’re all directly and indirectly affected. I don’t believe the rise of women is the end of men but maybe that’s because I’ve always had a strong woman present in my life, my mother.

They're graduating in droves, fellas.

Why are women smarter than men? From an educational basis, this is becoming non-negotiable. As shown in the quote above, women, especially black women, are graduating at rates exponentially higher than their male counterparts. Further, they are pursuing graduate degrees at a higher clip as well. In cities where women are already not out-earning their male counterparts, it is more often a reflection of biased pay practices that benefit men for performing the same work. A standard, I might add, which is also changing. Why are women statistically more driven than their male counterparts, across all races, at attaining higher levels of education? Further, where are all these highly educated, soon to be equally or better paid, women to turn when looking for a mate? Should they settle? They think so but then again, it wasn’t considered settling all those years when the inverse was true. When men traditionally married less educated and less financially equipped women. What’s the difference now?

I’m not one for an us versus them mentality but I do understand how some can see it as a zero sum game, which as I wrote about a few weeks ago, is why some whites believe discrimination against whites is worse than it is against blacks. There is only so much “pie” to go around, and when we’re all competing for the same dessert, while we may fundamentally want everyone to eat, we are only motivated to sacrifice our piece if we can first ensure doing so won’t lead us (or those close to us) to starve.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

The playing field is changing and many of us are still trying to understand the game. When so-called rules that have been in place for decades suddenly switch, no one is an expert. Any one pretending to be one is a fool, arrogant, or both. In theory, we are progressing towards, or possibly already living in, a world where men don’t need women and women don’t need men. In fact, if one needed one more than the other it would be men, not women. Since, aside from adoption, men still need women to have children. The latter does not apply to women. Beyond procreation, both men and women can do everything for themselves, or so we seem to believe.

More than ever in history, we live in an era where women don’t need men. What does that mean to you? I personally have no idea. Regardless, as a male, a black male at that, perhaps I failed to realize that it is my perspective that would be the first targeted casualty of the movement. Steve Harvey, not surprisingly, was wrong. We shouldn’t encourage women to think like a man, act like a lady. We should encourage men to think like a woman and act like a man. In contrast to what James Brown told us in his 60’s hit, It’s a Man’s World, the future looks more and more like  a “woman’s world.” In such an environment, how do you properly act like a man?

Ask a woman?

Comment(103)

  1. More than ever in history, we live in an era where women don’t need men. What does that mean to you?

    All that means is women don’t financially need a man like they did before. We don’t have to depend on men to bring all the money into the household or have to hang on to men for dear life to make sure we have a meal on the table. Other than that unless you’re a lesbian women still need men for companionship, love, procreation etc. We can argue about women not needing men and vice versa but if that were the case sites like this and match.com wouldn’t exist.

    Neither sex needs to be more like the other. We are different and that is fine. We need to learn how to respect each others differences and stop trying to turn one gender into the other gender. Think like a man; think like a woman, no think with some common sense and all will be well.

    1. I love this comment. Hear! Hear!

      As for me, men will always be an important factor. No such thing as becoming obsolete. Sure I can own property now and make money myself, but men are so much more than sources of revenue and security. Yeah, things have changed, but only to level the playing field a bit-men will always be absolutely necessary. We may not need you as much-but we still want you with the same intensity.

    2. I 2nd this comment. I think the human race needs both men and women and not just for procreation. Diversity is what makes this world go round and even though it creates problems because of differing opinions, it is important that we stay diverse. No one gender,or race, or country, or idea should dominate. We need each other. I believe that what we need to do is to learn to respect each other and make the choices that are right for us and our lives. Fortunately, our world is becoming more and more accepting of each of our differences and more and more, we have the freedom to make our own choices.

  2. I agree. In our society nowadays many woman are working while men are in the house to clean and take good care of their children. There is no big deal about it because as a woman it is our responsibility to take good care of our family weather we are oblige to work for them.
    My recent post קבלה

  3. Women are right.

    …And don't you ever forget it!

    More than ever in history, we live in an era where women don’t need men. What does that mean to you?

    Personally, it means that I do not need to depend on any man for my subsistence. Even if it happens that I am employed and managed by male bosses, my employment will be the result of my education, experience, and efforts. I do not require male protective figures. On a social/romantic level, I do not need a man to gain acceptance into circles of interest. Etc, etc. All that said, I do want a man who will make me feel such love for him as to be convinced that I need him. Objectively speaking, I won't, but there's nothing wrong with your happiness being tied to someone when you are in a healthy relationship. And I want him to be like-, but independent-minded. More important than agreeing on everything is having constructive arguments/debates through which we can learn from each other.

    In such an environment, how do you properly act like a man? Ask a woman?

    That's subjective territory, as was pointed out in the post. No one man is for every woman, and vice versa. The good news is, the fact that a lot of women are vocal beyond measure about certain things doesn't mean that most or all women are in agreement. The best thing is to strive to be a better person in general, and to pay attention to factors that affect perceptions relevant to oneself.

  4. Yes, women are becoming more independent, but I don't think men are becoming irrelevant or anything. Especially with the way this economy's going. Aside from the emotional and social reasons a man is needed in raising a family, it is not financially sustainable for a woman (or man) to raise a family by his or herself. And it definitely won't be in the years ahead. A lot of people are scraping by on long hours and not enough pay, and the lifestyles of generations past are not going to be afforded to future generations.

    Also, (financial) independence from males is a good thing. It's still a lot of women in this country and beyond that are in unhealthy relationships because they are powerless, and financially dependent that they can't get out. Independence doesn't mean we don't need men, it means we have choices and we can have more control over our lives.
    My recent post On mediocre white people and Affirmative Action

  5. “Further, where are all these highly educated, soon to be equally or better paid, women to turn when looking for a mate? Should they settle? They think so but then again, it wasn’t considered settling all those years when the inverse was true. When men traditionally married less educated and less financially equipped women. What’s the difference now?”
    **The difference, I think, in this sentence is that men EXPECTED to marry less educated and less financially equipped women. This during a time when it was, at the very least, IMPROPER (if not illegal) for a woman to independently own property. Or, when college courses for women extended to how to iron clothes, the proper way for her to button her cardigan over her dress, or how to bake the perfect turkey.
    You know, a lot of the “men vs women” stuff today, I find sad, but I also find that many men today (the younger ones that don’t really study up on WHY women fought for their independence and whatnot, those men seem to want to miss the point. They want to say that women are holding their own in this male dominated world SIMPLY because they WANT to, not because many women HAVE to hold their own even still today or run the risk of putting much of their lives & futures and their child(ren)’s lives& future in the hands of a man who doesn’t have anyone’s best interest in mind….including his own. Or even worse, these women could face seeing their future drop drop down an empty hole of nothingness because they DID settle and ended up with nothing.
    I do think that some women go to far with the independent stuff, but when more than 45% of the example of men you see aren’t good models, I can understand why women take the independent high road.

  6. There’s a reason for the shifting dynamic, in the spiritual sense as well, but folks don’t want to hear it. The breakdown of the family structure the way that God intended definitely plays a part in this discussion, no matter who does or doesn’t believe it. The shifting structure is happening whether we like it or not. However, men still need to develop the mentality of being a leader. Not just in society, but in the home as well. This isn’t an argument for patriarchy; but one to call men out so we see what are lack of action has caused. Any consternation that a man has endured probably can be traced back to inaction on his part.

    Kudos to women for stepping up and taking advantage of opportunities presented to them. Today’s men need to do the same.

  7. first and foremost it vexes me when women try to tell men how to behave like men. as if they have a y chromosome. if i were to sit here and tell a woman how she could be a better woman there would be consequences and repercussions.

    you're right tho. women are increasing the gap in men as far as getting higher education. in my class there were 4 men and 7 women and everyone thought we had a lot of men. it wasn't until the next two classes came did i see what they were talking about. both had 1 man and 13/14 women. i see the same trend in medical and dental schools.

    My recent post All (Wo)Men Were Created Equal

  8. Women do need men, just not for the reasons men have been groomed to think. Men determine their worth by their ability to provide and protect. Well, women can take self-defense classes and work in high paying industries now. We're at a crossroads with gender roles and some men are resistant to the change and I think it is more prevalent in black men than white men, but I don't want to digress too much on why that is the case. Let's just say I don't blame black men for feeling "irrelevant"…it's not an easy transition. Women seek companionship, stability, trust…all things men really have to learn to do in a relationship. Providing and protecting is the learned norm for men (debatable whether or not this instinctual). My suggestion is to learn a new role. It's not the end of men…it's just the end of what we've become accustomed to. This isn't the first shift in gender roles in America and it won't be the last. Both genders should adjust and I think women are still affectionate, caring, and supportive; we just want the right man to do those things for 🙂 Preferably with a man who is flexible and knows his worth is more than his paycheck.

  9. too many quotables WIM, great article.

    i've peeped this a while back, that men are becoming irrelevant to women's lives, how it will play out in the long run…man, i don't even know. just gotta find a woman that's down for the cause.

  10. I can't remember if it was ask men dot com or maxim dot com that wrote a rebuttal to the "End of Men" article, but it correctly and overwhelmingly rebutted the point that this article, while well-meaning, is pretty much rubbish. Women only lead IN the areas of middle class. We still have the fewest millionare/billionaires, men outnumber us as CEO's & entrepreneurial/ manegerial positions, shoot, once those Black men GO to college, it is GUARANTEED that they will outearn their Black female counterparts, even though more men lost their jobs in the recession than women, more men are REGAINING those jobs than their female counterparts, shoot, one in three women will STILL be the victim of sexual assault or abuse in their lifetime, we STILL lead the pack in living BELOW poverty line after the age of retirement, so I have to ask…

    IN WHAT WAY ARE WOMEN WINNING?

    I think the only thing we are winning is the PR war, because we SURE got these men scared for no reason.

    1. I share the same sentiment as you when it comes to this topic. __ Also, I'd like to wish that my educational and financial advancements would cultivate emotions of pride and support, not inadequacy but I don't have a choice in that matter when it comes to others' feelings. The role of a man in the life of an "independent" woman is an overdone argument. The responses are almost always the same and this thread is and will be evidence of it. Maybe these responses(need for love, support, partnership) are to a woman's satisfation but not a man's. What is the real issue here? Does the evolution of women bring about a level of resentment in some men and if so why? I so truely believe a secure individual whether is it be man or woman will always find his or her place rather than worrying about becoming obsolete.

      1. If what one has to offer is the same, than most assuredly he or she will offer a unique perspective to how it is done. I think also questions need to be directed to men as well like how are you affected by gender role changes and what are some healthy ways of adapting to it so that is positively affirming for everyone. I do believe some, maybe many men who do struggling with this change in the roles of women sincerely want to be open to it but may have internal conflicts that prevent from doing so. I believe the same goes for women as well. You can ask a woman or man all day what she or he needs from you, but if it contrast what you are willing to offer, the requests will fall on deaf ears

        1. “The End of Men”?
          Yup! LOL!
          But seriously, thats crazy! Women are still trying to get equal pay and respect in the workplace.
          Which gender is the overwhelming majority in office?
          Men are still in power (sadly).
          Times are better now though. If only “some” of us could keep our legs closed; then you would really see a power shift! 😉

      2. " What is the real issue here? Does the evolution of women bring about a level of resentment in some men and if so why?"

        taking a stab at this, but maybe… an overwhelming majority of (black) men, need to feel needed. with the advances that (black) women are making education-wise, financial-wise….men are realising that they really aren't needed. and as such, reacting via resentment, resignation, finding women that do satisfy that feeling of 'need' that we have….or just total indifference.

        1. I really appreciate your response. How do you feel about the idea of a woman wanting rather than needing u? Are they one in the same to u? Does one align more or less with your views of being a viable partner to someone? Is it possible for educated and financial properous women to be viewed as compliments and assets rather than competitors and if so what are the conditions on both sides?

        2. "How do you feel about the idea of a woman wanting rather than needing u?"

          In some cases, it's becomes a woman saying, "I want you, but it is these are the terms".

          "Is it possible for educated and financial properous women to be viewed as compliments and assets rather than competitors and if so what are the conditions on both sides?".

          Many educated and financially prosperous women are acting as competitors. That's why they are always talking about their accomplishments on the first date. Then they approach dating and marriage as another personal achievement.

          Men are looking for wives, but women want to be a facsimile instead of a complement.

          *NOTE: this is how some men think, not how I do necessarily.

        3. "How do you feel about the idea of a woman wanting rather than needing u? Are they one in the same to u?"

          To me, they aren't the same. if she just wants me, instead of needs me as a valuable addition to her life, then i'll be gone.

          "Does one align more or less with your views of being a viable partner to someone?"

          considering i have a more traditional belief of gender roles, i'll just say that for me, being needed is something i desire more. there are an increasing amount of men, however, that would have no problem seeing it as a business merger *one satisfying the others wants*

          "Is it possible for educated and financial properous women to be viewed as compliments and assets rather than competitors and if so what are the conditions on both sides?"

          for me, i'd honestly see her as competition, until her attitude, actions, and words shows she's more of a compliment to me.

        4. Thanks for being so open, I respect your views. You were able to state clearly what you wanted, not what a woman is not or shouldn't be because that not what the questioned asked.

        5. I don't think it's PC to say that men need to be needed, but I think it's true. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It doesn't mean that men need us to be less than them, or even entirely dependent on their existence. In healthy practice (or at least this is the way it is b/t me and my fiance) I think needing a man means showing that you respect and honor and are grateful for his unique role in your life. Mark and I make similar salaries. BUT he is the premier PROVIDER of acceptance, wise advice and comfort in my life. Those are three things I need to feel secure and I let him provide those for me.

          I think the man's need to be needed has men misinterpreted by men and women alike and consequently has a bad reputation. BUT, In my life my man's need to feel needed compliments my need to close my eyes and rest on someone every once in a while.
          My recent post The Angry Black Woman: Don't be Mad

  11. I don't think the nature of Men or Women have changed due to getting the vote, women's lib movement or for any other reason. Not anymore than the nature of Black people changed once we got free & gained the vote here in the US. Yes, our expectations and certainly our behavior changed. But who we are fundamentally, our hopes & dreams, what makes us happy or sad etc. What I'm going to call the 'soul of Black people/man/women has always been the same.

    IMO opinion the challenge now a days is not coping with our evolving natures. But being able to filter out the *noise* in this world (Hollywood, music and society) that tries to tell us what we should want/need and who we should be. Once we get away from the noise, it's possible to hear and act on who we truly are.

    Also. Since I've been in a relationship (2.5 years), I've come to believe that when two healthy heterosexual people become involved romantically, the natural strengths and weaknesses associated with both sexes compliment each other perfectly. I think they always have probably always will.

    GREAT post!
    My recent post Why Women Want

    1. I've come to believe that when two healthy heterosexual people become involved romantically, the natural strengths and weaknesses associated with both sexes compliment each other perfectly. I think they always have probably always will. "

      Wellllll *shakes my tambourine*

  12. You want proof that the natural order of things has shifted, look in the work force and see who is getting the opportunities and who isn't.. women are out numbering men 3 to 1 in executive positions… Some women are becoming CEOs of companies that was once dominated by men…

    The end of men?

    I would go that far, but I have witness a dramatic change in who I see getting on the subway going to work and who isn't… This morning while riding into work, I witness more women than men riding the subway… Just my opinion, but I feel there is major shifted in what used to be a male dominated work force… Thus it changes the dynamic of the household in general…

    1. My friend Charles asked me to watch who goes to work in the morning on the Subway, whole lot of foreigners & women, little to no black men :-)… Can relate

  13. Not sure it's all about winning/losing. But, if it IS—> Why are those things you mentioned a measure of whether we (women) are more or less successful than men? It's true that men are more likely to spend time in jail, die violently, suffer heart attacks, become alcoholics. And many many other negative things. Does that mean they're not winning anymore?

    My point is I don't think gender stats should be used in the way you're using them.
    You've pulled a very specific (mostly economically related) stats and you're making it seem like those are the only ones that matter in the analysis of which gender is doing better. Also, it seems like you're assuming women are losing unless their stats are the same as men's. BUT…IMO, they're not supposed to be the same.

    With my life I want to be a mom, a wife, a friend and I want to write. Consequently, I have no expectation of earning the same about of money in my lifetime as my husband does or my father did. Even so, I don't think I'm losing to them. I'm just different.

    My recent post Why Women Want

    1. If you read the "End of Men" article he was discussing, you will see why the stats are relevant to the conversation. Basically it is arguing that the economic shift (seemingly in the favor of women) & it's social impact on men. MY argument is that women are NOT as well off as they think, and there is still a ways to go before we can consider ourselves the "stronger sex" as the article seem to lean towards.
      Yes, there are more men taking on roles in the home, and more women becoming the primary breadwinners. But it is not as huge a shift as it makes it out to be, and it is a shift that other industrialized nations have already adjusted to. The focust of that article, and the discussions it has prompted, was what I was alluding towards. Hope this helps.

  14. "More than ever in history, we live in an era where women don’t need men. What does that mean to you?"

    For me, this means that I am perfectly capable of and willing to take care of and provide for myself…and I'm actively doing so. Nothing more, nothing less. I may not "need" a man, but I need companionship…and since I'm not gay, that means I need a man to fulfill that need.

    But, more than anything, I just want reciprocity. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to think thats an unattainable ideal with men in general. Smh…

      1. I think it could…depends on the mindset of the individuals in the relationship. But, I tend to prefer traditional gender roles. So regardless to what I can do for myself, I have no problems allowing a good, trustworthy man to be a man for me…none at all.

  15. Well, for one…the liberation of women (right to vote, own property, access to education and jobs) is not the downfall of men. It just isn't.

    I think of it as the next level up in a video game. Level 1 women were easier to capture. They didn't move very quickly and they were generally herded in whatever corral they were raised in. We're not Level 1 women anymore. The game is still the same, you just need to up your skill level if you want to catch one.

    Women still listen to men. It's hardwired, even for self-proclaimed blockheads like myself, lol.

  16. Assuming there is some standard definition of what it means to be a man (which I'm not so sure is a fact) I don't think that definition has changed.

    Assuming there is some standard definition of what it means to be a woman (which I'm not so sure is a fact) I do believe that has evolved, especially in "western" societies over the past few decades.

    I don't think the evolution of one of these imaginary definitions means the other one has to also evolve.

    Speaking more specifically, what I'm saying is, the fact that women are moving (rightfully) closer and closer toward men in most areas and surpassing us in others doesn't have to mean anything to us. This isn't a seesaw where as they go up we go down. I think the fact that men AND women, particularly in black america view it as this zero sum game with winners and losers is a major part of why we can't be great.

    1. I agree with this assessment. It is the zero sum attitude that must change. Personally, I’ve found that Black men my age have the most difficulty with changing women’s roles. They exhibit anger that women won’t get back under them. It’s a competition for dominance in their minds. They cannot accept a partnership with mutual respect. The woman must be less than, or their manhood is diminished.

      I can’t tell men how to be men, but it makes me sad that so many men have adapted to the changes by opting out of education and responsibility. It’s as if they believe their purpose in society is relative to how dependant women are. If their education and career is not necessary for the survival of women.and children, then they needn’t bother.

      If I strive to be more for my own sake, I am perplexed by men whose identity is founded on a hierarchy. They must dominate someone. Dominating a field, subject, career for its own sake is not enough? I don’t understand.

      1. "Personally, I've found that Black men my age have the most difficulty with changing women's roles. They exhibit anger that women won't get back under them."

        +1. It just seems to me that *some* men either complain about womens' success, or they quietly accept a backseat. What happened to keeping up? Imagine what the Black community would look like if the men who have fallen by the wayside thought that way.

        1. As far as black boys…

          Well, they need to see the most visible black males being masculine in a healthy way, and being rewarded for living up to a positive masculine ideal…

          Also, they need to know that there will be women there to receive them to help them procreate & raise children…

          & sex can't be had easily &/o just by faking it… You have to show up with resources

      2. I am perplexed by men whose identity is founded on a hierarchy

        Same way, I am perplex by women who are obsessed with men who appear to be high status…

        I think both are hardwired, and won't be going away anytime soon. Yay

      3. Wild Cougar: "Personally, I've found that Black men my age have the most difficulty with changing women's roles. They exhibit anger that women won't get back under them. It's a competition for dominance in their minds."

        I see a more disturbing trend. Many men don't care that women won't get back under them. And they are increasingly saying, "No thanks, you act too much like me, you're not what I'm looking for." But men still need to get their rocks off. Although they no longer see wife material in that woman, but they still see the physical and will use that woman for their physical needs only.

        1. Jazz——> I agree! Cosign! Yes brother!

          As women we HAVE to understand that being a woman is more than just looking the part. I get nervous when I see women acting like men OR rejecting the very idea that IS such a thing as "acting like a man". It's like they think that the only difference between men and women is that we have a Vajayjay & they don't.

          NOT SO ladies. Heterosexual men are attracted (emotionally, mentally, spiritually and of course physically) to WOmen. So if you go around only being a woman physically….chances are he's going to treat you accordingly.

          #headsUP!
          My recent post The Easy Woman

        2. I agree! Since Don Draper was mentioned in the post I thought I would leave this quote which was advice given to Peggy.

          "…And no one will tell you this, but you can't be a man. Don't even try. Be a woman. It's powerful business, when done correctly."

        3. Sorry, when did getting an education and having a career mean “acting like a man”? I mean post 1950. Keep up, people. Keep up. If you need somebody else to give you incentive to be domebody, then you probably won’t be anything anyway.

        4. It's not the education, my feline friend, it's the attitude of change how men are supposed to act. You say men want women to be subservient. I'm saying most men don't care. Because women are so busy with work and don't have time for relationships, many men are fine with just fuking them with no expectation of a relationship.

          I'm not even talking about lazy men not doing anything, I'm talking about the ones that are college educated and career oriented.

        5. "Because women are so busy with work and don't have time for relationships, many men are fine with just fuking them with no expectation of a relationship. "

          Shhhh…the faucet is on and my bucket is out…

        6. There are plenty of men, who are busy with work that maintain relationships. Why would it be different for a woman? We are very capable of doing both. You mention the "attitude" that most women with degrees and money project, but I am very curious what are your views on women who have both but no "attitude" or do you believe they just simply don't exist.

        7. Monique: "I am very curious what are your views on women who have both but no "attitude" or do you believe they just simply don't exist. "

          You are correct, there are plenty of men who work and maintain relationships. But there are plenty of men who hold off as well. That number is increasing, if what women in books, newspapers, and talk shows are saying is true. Many men, and a sizable percentage, are increasingly putting relationships on the backburner to focus on career.

          Now we have women mimicking the actions of those men. Of course "women who have both but no 'attitude'" exist, but like men, that percentage who are focusing on career at the expense of relationships is growing. Just because a woman is "very capable" (read: potential, ability) of doing both doesn't mean there isn't a sizable percentage that is not using that capability.

        8. Now we have women mimicking the actions of those men. Of course "women who have both but no 'attitude'" exist, but like men, that percentage who are focusing on career at the expense of relationships is growing. Just because a woman is "very capable" (read: potential, ability) of doing both doesn't mean there isn't a sizable percentage that is not using that capability.

          This! especially that last line. It doesn't matter what you CAN do if you aren't doing it.

        9. " women mimicking the actions of those men…" Get over yourself. Many women are out here to progress from surviving to thriving, it really isn't anything competitive towards men. With the cost of living, any man or woman, quite naturally would want to choose career opportunites that ensure economic stability and growth As you say, men are delaying marriage, than what are the options of women the same age. They would have no choice but to wait and provide a life for themselves in the meantime or choose a relatively older partners to provide for them. For many women, they prefer securing themselves and it's nothing personal. Unless you desire a significantly younger mate, I can't see how this waiting, workless game would work particularly if children are in the future. If that's the case, she can seamlessly transition from being a daughter to wife because she's always been kept her entire life.

        10. So it seems like your assessment of many women who are educated and financially prosperous are that they are probably arrogant and if not aren't interested in relationship. Hey, if you are a traditional guy I am not knocking you, but it seems like you always finding something wrong with a woman who has the paper and intellect.

  17. I love this article and probably agree with all of it except for the last part. I don't think we're moving towards, living in, or will ever get to a point where women don't need men and men don't need women. I see what you mean and agree theoretically, that other than procreation, we technically don't need each other. BUT, emotionally we do need each other. At the end of the day, men like the companionship of women and women like the companionship of men (in a heterosexual situation). And that will always be the case. We may think differently and get on each other's nerves, but we need each other. We have for centuries and we always will.
    My recent post Religion & Romance: Can you mix the two???

    1. I'd encourage you to watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMJgZ4s2E3w

      His conclusion is that guys actually appreciate and gravitate towards hanging out with other men more so than the companionship of women and he attributes it to the things that a lot of women bemoan and loath like video games, sports and pr0n.
      Although I cannot agree with everything he say, I will say that his comments on the "awkwardness of males" is indeed a reality, as this transition we are making with gender roles has not clearly defined structure or rules which makes it difficult for a lot of men.

  18. I must agree with everyone else, women still need men and vice versa. I have, in several articles, stated the characteristics I feel a real men should embody based on how I was raised and what my father taught me. None of these attributes included how much money he should make or any other financial and economical standards. One article I wrote was based on an article called Is America Still Making Men? Check it out: http://30thoughts.com/2012/02/16/a-few-good-men/. I think it accurately points out the major differences between male behavior today, and male behavior back then. So, while I don't necessarily think men can look to women to determine what a man is, who should he look to if there was never a man around he could look to for this sort of guidance?

    I do feel that the roles have shifted, but this has only really caused a huge problem in heterosexual relationships, nothing more. I think many men want the traditional woman who cooked, cleaned, nurtured, managed the home etc., but they aren't behaving like the traditional man who was the primary breadwinner, husband, protector, handyman etc.

    I think the problem lies in the fact that it is unclear to you (and probably lots of other men) what it means to be a man (referring to the list in your article where you question which celebs would "best embody what it means to be a man").
    My recent post 30′s 30 Sexiest Men Alive

  19. What a utopia! As for men, we just got to resign to the fact that we have less responsibility now, and we do not have to financially carry women unlike in the past…

    At the end of the day, women's unhappiness keep taking a hit

    I think both genders will continue to adjust, but at the end of the day… This change will hurt women, especially if they want to marry a man who they want to look up to…

  20. The main problem isn't aspiring women, but underacheiving men. I'm not talking about degrees, which isn't a guarantor of financial success these days anyway. Many men just are setting a low bar for themselves, and it just happened to occur at the same time women are striving to achieve. I'm not sure the two are correlated.

    "More than ever in history, we live in an era where women don’t need men. What does that mean to you?"

    Nothing to me personally, since I'm likely with the woman I'll marry. But I think some women are starting to see that while they are celebrating financial freedom and independence, they are noticing men aren't acting the same towards them. And according to the law of unintended consequences, that shouldn't be a surprise. Women can't change the game and expect men are going to still do all the things they use to do.

    1. "But I think some women are starting to see that while they are celebrating financial freedom and independence, they are noticing men aren't acting the same towards them."

      in other words, when (some) women start acting like men, they shouldn't be surprised when said men treat them like…men?

      1. King Jordan: "in other words, when (some) women start acting like men, they shouldn't be surprised when said men treat them like…men?"

        Exactly. And men like $ex, and don't mind having it with no strings attached. So when women start getting all the degrees and start talking about their accomplishments and independence…

        I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it is (in many cases).

  21. Awesome post WIM!
    I think dependence has been demonized. Sure it's great to be independent and to know thyself and what not but when people learn that you depend a lot on your significant other, it transforms from something beautiful into something pitiful and pathetic. There is always a line that has to be drawn there but unless it's excessive, I think this is true. Somehow it's like when a woman depends on a man, it means they're weak or dumb. It's funny really and it starts early. When I was a preteen, my grandmother pointed out my toe and said that every woman's toe was like that in the family and that it meant we won't be dominated by man. She could've been joking but there are implications there. I depend a lot on my husband (he depends on me for some things too) but I don't always find the beauty in it. Sometimes I feel the need to prove something by doing some "man work" by mowing the grass or hanging a shelf. It's an internal conflict and I imagine I am not the only woman who experiences it. I think I've gone a little off topic so I'll just stop there but by the by, good post!

    1. "I depend a lot on my husband (he depends on me for some things too)"

      I call this interdependence. Or Synergy. A symbiotic relationship. IMO, it's the most evolved level of interaction. I think Bubba from Forest Gump said it best: "I'm gonna lean up against you, you just lean right back against me. This way, we don't have to sleep with our heads in the mud."
      My recent post The Measure of A Woman

        1. Such a classic! Can't say anything about shrimp without somebody going "shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger." LOL!

      1. Thanks! I think this should be natural in a relationship. Somewhere along the line though, the image of men has turned into somebody who is dumb and inept. I don't think it's fair though because women had a huge problem with men portraying them that way. Strange shift if you ask me. If you saw a comic strip in which a woman was portrayed as dumb or inept, there would be all of this outrage but when men are portrayed this way, it's "funny." With this thought process men have become people who cannot be depended on. I'm not buying it.

  22. I've read argument after counter-argument relating to that "the End Of Men" tripe and even watched a few videos that tried to highlight the same thing.

    I really can't go in on this comments section as I would in a vocal public forum, but I can say: Good for women Now that they run the world maybe I can get some peace and quiet.

  23. I really like this post 🙂

    It might be because I grew up in a home with parents who are from a non-Western culture but…. I like gender roles. *ducks stones* A lot of places haven't made the strides that the US has in regards to gender dynamics so gender roles are still really intact and accepted.

    Gender roles do make male-female interactions easier IMO. They're like manual that you can follow and personally I like that. I think a lot of women who reject the traditional roles are having problems defining themselves, like they don't know how to brand/market themselves as well, because no one has taught them how. Even though I do have the whole medical degree going on and all that stuff, my job is only a piece of who I am as a person, and I know how to compartmentalize it… I have my work mode and my non-work mode.

    I'm glad that some of the more traditional gender roles come somewhat naturally to me b/c I do feel as thought it has made things easier for me in terms of dating and finding a mate. Even though a lot of women are rejecting gender roles, men still haven't and men really like them. And they like women who like them. I do embrace femininity and I do have a lot of the more traditional traits so its easy for a guy to recognize me as a women… I know what cues to send out and they know what cues to respond too… we're both trained by the same manual if that makes any sense.

    But that's not the case for all women. Some women chafe under traditional gender roles and they shouldn't feel pressured to embody a persona that's not really their own. And its difficult, for both the men, and the women that they date.
    My recent post Hey! I made a dating blog.

  24. I don't have a lot of time today.

    I think that Amaris hit the nail on the head. I've been watching for a long time now with life. Black women excel in every level up until they graduate school. They are less likely to get a position over an equally qualified Black male candidate. Simply put in the order of things it's: white men, asian men, white women, asian women, latina women (who speak great english), latino men (who speak great english) black men and then black women. Black women are still dead last. Look at your company, while you may see a lot of Black women, look up, how many make it to mid-level leadership ON TRACK? Not very many. You may have a middle level manager who is a Black woman, but she has fought tooth and nail for that position. She's likely 3-5 years off her track. (Likely, not always.)

    1. I was in my finance class with a football player and we went to our professor everyday asking for help, he would tell us, "Just do the practice problems and you'll be fine." We telling him, we ain't got a clue what to do, he telling us about problems in the book. A Black girl went to our professor and he sat down with her for days and even extended office hours. I saw how it was.

      In my short opinion, they want you to thinK Black women are getting ahead, but they not. At the end of the day, nobody outside of Black men thinks Black women are any smarter than anyone else. When's the last time you heard a white man say, "That Tiffany is a really smart woman" and not mean it in a smart for a Black person way.

      And the stats show that on average Black men earn more, have more positions at the CXO suite, and hold more positions of power in law, business and politics. I'm not sure… we're getting anywhere with this.

    2. I'm not trying to be male chauvinist, but this false sense of security is what hold Black people back sometimes. Black women still getting sonned with the glass ceiling. Black men have to wisen up and start helping them out and telling them about what we experienced a few years back.

        1. Wait a lot of those women are unfairly judged based on their credentials without saying a word.

    3. Yeah, black women do have it hard… because we deal with both racism and sexism. I think given how much of "setback" we have, we're doing pretty well though and we've exceeded everyone's expectations. I think the issue is not so much that women are outpacing men today, b/c all across the board, in all races, men are leading. But, the pace at which women are exceling and moving up, compared to the pace that men are moving, it does seem like in the future there will be a shift, and that's what ppl are talking about.

      But your points were well taken though. We can't sit and rest on our laurels. Black women still have quite a ways to go.
      My recent post Hey! I made a dating blog.

      1. But the only thing I would say and this is not to disagree but just to inspire thought. The pace is not changing. The population is changing. There are more Black women in b-school, doesn't have anything to do with the pace. The Black male b-school, law school or med school graduate and the Black female graduate are moving at the same pace, if not, the Black male is moving faster.

        Again, I know this audience and I feel the need to ask that you critically think about what I just said before you start going off the deep end.

        I think the next step is going to be more and more Black women going into business for themselves. That's the logical next step. That's what Black men did, they didn't respect us at the CXO level so we just went out and did it on our own. Now, they're bringing us back into the fold. I think at one point in time like 23 of the Top 50 Black CEOs in Black Enterprise had at one point of their lives worked at Deloitte. Right after that article was published, you saw a lot of Fortune 500 companies trying to buckle down to keep their high performing Black leaders.

        1. J, you're talking about excelling at the top levels, but it's not the top levels that are driving cultural perceptions. It's mid level and below.

          What I mean is, sure, if an equally qualified black man and black women enter a job at the same time, the black man is more likely to make his way up the ranks faster than the black women. Her glass ceiling is much lower than his. But the key point we're missing here is that you have to be in the building to even hit the ceiling. Black women are getting into the building at a much higher rate than black men.

          Checkout the entry level finance programs at any major corporation. The kinds that recruit kids out of undergraduate universities. The general make up of those programs is usually 40% white, 30% Asian (which includes indians) and then 30% black/latino – and that black latino percentage will typically have a higher percentage of women than men. Yeah the men out the group will excel faster than the women across all racial/ethnic spectrums so yeah, if you go up to the executive floors and count up the number of black men and women, there will be a lot more black men, but if you just count up the number of people of color in the actual building, there's usually WAY more black women than black men.

          This is important to note because the truth is, most folks ain't reaching upper management. Most folks just tryna hold down a good job support their families and hope their kids have it better than they did. All of the statistics show black women trending upward faster than black men. The most glaring number being the most recent nationwide unemployment numbers for black men and women. In Feb, the unemployment rate for black males went up to 14.3 percent while the unemployment numbers for black females dropped to 12.6 percent. And that 1.7 percent difference may seem like nothing, but it essentially means that there's about 1.5 million more unemployed black men than women. So yeah, you make a solid point that black women hit the glass ceiling quicker, but at the same time … at least they in the building.

          But the bigger thing we need to be discussing is instead of comparing ourselves to our sisters, we need to start focusing on why our unemployment rate as a people is a whole 5 percentage points higher than the national average. We gotta get off the seesaw and get on the elevator. And when we saw more black people coming … don't push the "door close" button because we're in a rush … hold the damn door!

          And I agree … it's time to start doing our own thing. Gotta stop asking folks for jobs and start creating our own. That's my personal goal right now…

        2. I'm not talking about the high levels, the example I used was from a very realistic entry level. So you just said basically exactly what I already said.

          "The pace is not changing. The population is changing. There are more Black women in b-school, doesn't have anything to do with the pace. The Black male b-school, law school or med school graduate and the Black female graduate are moving at the same pace, if not, the Black male is moving faster."

          You can make an argument to say the rate is changing, but the pace is not changing. In order to say the pace was changing you'd have to say, "Black women are on average reaching Point B in 2.6 years, where as Black men on average reach Point B in 4.1 years."

        3. What I'm saying is the pace doesn't matter when you look at the bigger picture of our people. You're talking about B school and med school and law school, and I'm saying, most of our people aren't going to b school or med school or law school. The majority of our people's education stops somewhere between high school diploma and undergraduate degree. Those are the people you want to look at when discussing whether there are real, accurate gender disparities as far as income and employment are concerned. You summarized your entire point by saying this:

          "In my short opinion, they want you to thinK Black women are getting ahead, but they not."

          That's not a true statement, relative to black men. Relative to black men, black women are getting ahead a significantly more rapid rate than we are. That is a fact. The graduate high school and college at higher rates, they are employed at higher rates and they have a better national average as far as credit ratings are concerned.

          So again, yes, men excel faster once you reach a certain level of achievement, but once you're in b. school, law school or med school, you're already an outlier as far as we're concerned. That's not a good pool of people to make an argument around.

          We're in the same ballpark, but we're not really saying the same thing – respectfully.

        4. I agree… with you Most. The conversation often starts to turn divisive when you begin comparing black men and women…and I don't think there are enough of us for us to start doing that yet. Power in numbers!

          And I agree with you and J about the entrepreneurial bit. You see that with a lot of immigrant communities… due to accents and them not having US degrees a lot of them turn to opening their own businesses b/c they recognize that they will have a much harder time working their way up the food chain. I see it a lot in my community. I think black-Americans used to do it, and then integration happened and the older generation started pushing their kids toward these white universities and these white corporations.

          We have to go back to our roots 🙂
          My recent post Hey! I made a dating blog.

  25. In response to some of the comments I just want to say if you grew up in a house where you depended on a woman to raise you, teach you, love you etc and all you've ever seen is women (aunts, sisters, grandmothers) who didn't 'need' men to survive why would want to//or how could you slip into the traditional gender roles when you grow up. I'm not saying its wrong or right just it seems that people think women choose to be independent when sometimes its just all they know.

    1. And in that respect, if you are a MALE and all you ever witness is high-acheiving women in your life (mother, sisters, aunts, etc) would that manke you want to equally acheive, or lay back in the cut because, frankly, you don't NEED to?
      Food for thought.
      I always maintain that THIS is the #1-100 reason why you should never speak ill of your child's father in front of your children (as the child will ALWAYS acknowledge that, whether you hate dad or not, he is a PART of said child and therefore said chils is JUAT AS related to "aint ish" status), but that's another topic ENTIRELY.

  26. I love this post and i agree with it 100%. I think the tables are turning and many don't know how to adjust to the change in roles. I think until we all acept that the roles are changing and have open forums of dicussion (such as this) this issue will continue to be a tug of war.

  27. How you gonna call men the ball and the chain tho? smh women aint changed they just got some paper now. They still evaluate men for the same qualities, they want the leader of the pack, the Alpha male, the prime specimen to mate with. If you taking care of yourself as a dude you gonna be straight. Chicks with jobs and all that just need less….if you think about it that's kinda made life easier for dudes like me. You can tell some of these girls "look i'm really focused on getting into this grad school and starting this company so i wont be as available, and i know you have similar goals too so we can work around each others schedules." BOOM then you aint gotta catch flack for not hitting her up or not chilling with her, cuz she already know what it is……..lightwork

  28. Wis you need to listen to Jill Scott's "I Need You" and Lyzel in E Flat "He Loves Me" to remind you that regardless of how some women act and front and fake at the end of the day we need each other and would never be able to survive in this world without each other.
    God created man for woman and woman for man and so it was written and forever shall be.
    Thats all I have to say on that.

  29. Ironically, it would appear that merely "Acting" like a man can actually be part of the problem.

    Unfortunately, there are an army of guys in the real world and on the Internet that are shaping, forming, and fashioning themselves after what they "think" will cause women to see them in favorable light. If this is a man's only motivating influence, then he's shortsighted at best or a freakin' idiot at worst.

    The problem with this type of "Be a Man" plan is that it's just at tactic, as opposed to a well thought out, empowering strategy. So many men, especially "Black" men have gone without a steady supply of "at home" male role models for so long that we are behind the curve when comes to truly manning up.

    The sooner men reconnect with their spirituality and the intrinsic value that can only be found by honoring themselves, the faster they'll successfully move into their true masculine role——–as opposed to the hyper-sexualized, hyper-aggressive, or worse——–hyper "suckerized" versions of manhood that we're so consistently sold by pop culture.

    ~Victory Unlimited

    My recent post Mission #24 – Objective: The Top Twelve New Year’s Resolutions That Every Man Should Make!

  30. Gender doesn't guarantee accuracy especially when applied to women, cause women are hormonal. And this is coming from a woman who "feels" she is ALWAYS right, but more importantly thinks keeping it real is more important than being right. Women need men and men need women regardless of homosexual, heterosexual, race, economics. I think those who try to prove otherwise will end up losing or being wrong in the end. The optimistic side of me says we are moving towards a "World of Equality." It's survival of the fittest, man or woman, if you can't survive and own up to your full capabilities, then you may just have to settle for second best. It could be worse.

  31. The age we are coming to you are not going to like. The streets will be awash in angry young men. Jobless, hopeless, and ready to rip with this world apart. Welcome to the future.

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