Home Featured Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 3: No More Mr. Nice Guy

Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 3: No More Mr. Nice Guy

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This Is A True Story

My eyes rolled as their lids shut. The faucet gushed and I imagined him running his hands underneath the hot water. Or maybe he was the kind of guy who washed his hands in cold water, too timid to endure the heat necessary for a proper cleansing. The previous night began to come back to me and the first thing I remembered was how timid he was; how gingerly he’d asked me to get the bartender’s attention, how shy he was on the dance floor, how he hesitated getting into the cab. He was clearly the kind of guy that needed me to spell it out for him and I couldn’t help but wonder if he was as short as I remembered him. I was being mean and I knew it, but my annoyance at the fact that he was was still there forced me to look back on him, and the previous night’s dalliance, in the harsh rays of that new morning’s sun. And besides all that, I still couldn’t remember his name.

If you haven’t read parts of one and two of the Single Sam Series, where I follow a friend of mine through her real life experiences in love, you might want to click here: Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 1: An Officer and a Gentleman. And here: Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 2: The Proposition 

I took a deep breath and ran my fingers through my disheveled hair trying to prepare myself for this unexpected company. “Lord please don’t let him want morning sex” I thought. His feet shuffled down the hallway from the bathroom and I could tell he was on his toes. But then nothing happened. And then more shuffling. He was in my living room, picking things up and moving things around. I heard what sounded like the jingling of a belt on a pair of pants as they’re being pulled up. Confused, I sat up and looked around. Then I noticed the left side of the bed, still neat–and then it hit me, he’d slept on the couch. I was even more confused. What is proper one night stand etiquette? Staying over after sex seemed like some sort of violation, but if you’re going to cross that line, at least have the decency to sleep in the bed. I decided to be offended.

The hard-bottomed heels of his shoes clicked closer and closer to my door, and then he knocked.

“Uh … hey …?” I said pulling the sheets up above my bare ladies, simultaneously wondering if it was really necessary considering the fact that he’d already seen them.

“Morning Sam” he said opening the door, “I hate to dash off so quick, but I gotta get home and get myself together for work.”

“So quick? You been here all night!” I thought to myself.

“Ok … cool, you need a cab or anything?” I said, feeling like The Situation.

“Nah, I called the number on the magnet on the fridge, I’m good.”

“Oh, so you went in my fridge?” I thought, but didn’t say.

“It was really great meeting you” he continued, “I don’t usually do stuff like this, but I really had a good time.”

There was a sweetness and sincerity in his voice, one that didn’t match the rude, awkwardness of staying over after a one night stand and sleeping on the couch.

“Yeah, it’s been interesting” I responded.

“Are you free today at all? I was thinking maybe we could grab lunch?” he asked.

“Oh … umm … yeah, I’m not really sure, ummm…”

Outside a horn blew.

“That’s probably my cab.”

“’Oh … yeah…”

“How ’bout I give you a call later this morning and we can figure out lunch?”

“Yeah, that works.”

I saw him to the door, then headed into the kitchen to grab a drink. I opened the fridge door and realized I had absolutely no food in the house. I was embarrassed at the thought of him seeing my cupboard so bare, especially now that it seemed like I’d be seeing him again. I decided then I’d take a trip to the super market before lunch. It was always best to go to the supermarket during the day, especially since my super market boo usually worked the day shift.

See Also:  Single Sam's Episodes in Love Part 1: An Officer and a Gentleman

My supermarket boo is this handsome guy that works in the meat section. Ironic, I know. While it’s hard to see myself ever dating him, he does add a little fun to my shopping excursions. He always flirts, always gives me a couple extra-slices of spiced ham, and despite being consumed by what I imagine to be the perpetually odious scent of raw flesh, he somehow exudes a lazily effortless masculine quality other folks in my generation might describe using a word that rhymes with gag that I’ve promised myself I’d never use. He has the kind of attitude that leaves you both excited to see him and nervous to be around him. One of these days I might just give him my number. But not today. Today I just planned to let him to flirt with me a little.

I pulled the collar of my unseasonably light jacket close around my neck as I stood waiting on the corner of 34th and 8th in midtown. It was one of those deceivingly chilly fall days where the brightness of the sun provided little in the way of actual warmth, and I was trying my best not to be annoyed that I’d been waiting on that corner for more than ten minutes.

“Hey Samantha, sorry I’m late!” I heard him say behind me. As I turned around, a wave of panic rushed over me. I was looking at him, hugging him, kissing him on the cheek, and once again drawing a blank on his name. I tried to remember our brief phone conversation from when he called to set up the lunch, “Hey, it’s me ____” he’d said. I struggled for a minute, and then it hit me.

“Hey Steve, it’s alright, let’s just go somewhere close, I’m kinda cold.”

“Ok, sounds good, what are you in the mood for?”

“Uhh, I don’t know, warmth” I said cattily. He laughed, but I was serious.

“Ok, I got it, there’s this really good chinese spot right up the block.”

“Chinese?” I said.

“Yeah, trust me, it’s really good.”

“Ok.”

“So, yeah, last night was a first for me,” he said with a giggle. I wished he’d just leave it alone and not bring it up.

“Yeah, I mean, it was my first one night stand too,” I said.

“Huh?” his brows furrowed, confused.

“You don’t believe me? I’m serious! That was my first time.”

“No I believe you, but I mean, I just wouldn’t call it a one night stand.”

“Oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, obviously we’re here today, so it’s not really a one night stand, but, I’m just saying, I don’t usually bring home guys I just met and have sex with them,” I said, embarrassed and lowering my voice so that only he could hear me.

“Sam, you know we didn’t have sex right?”

“What?”

“You and I most definitely did not have sex.”

“Yes we did, I totally remember it, you’re not like, tryna be a weirdo are you? Please don’t be weird.”

He laughed, genuinely.

“Sam, I’m not being, weird. We totally didn’t have sex. I mean, I thought that’s what was gonna happen when I got into the cab. And we were definitely very touch feely the ride home, but … didn’t happen.”

“So like … what happened?” I asked.

“You passed out. We got to your crib, went in your room, made out for a while. Then you said you were thirsty. I got up, went to the bathroom, then went into the kitchen to grab some water out of the fridge, when I came back, all your clothes were on the floor by the bed and you were under the covers knocked out … it was quite funny actually.”

See Also:  Stay in Your Lane Relationship Insurance

“Oh my god, you’re not serious.”

“I’m absolutely serious.”

“So like … why did you stay?”

“It was late, I tried calling a cab but none would come.”

I began to smile, the humor of the entire ordeal beginning to settle in.

“Can I tell you Steve, I had no idea why you’d slept on the couch. I didn’t even realize you were still there till the toilet flushed.”

“Oh well, yeah, I mean, after I couldn’t get a cab, I was going to get in the bed, even after you fell asleep because I really wasn’t trying to sleep on that tiny couch, but I could see your undies on the floor by the bed and I felt like it would be kinda foul to get in bed with you when you were naked.”

And just like that, all of my morning’s annoyance with his meekness in approaching me at the bar, his timidness on the dance floor and his shyness in getting into the cab seemed to dissipate. I came to realize that it was born of the same place that prevented him from taking advantage of me in my embarrassingly drunken stupor; and that made it all the more endearing.

“Thank you,” I said with every ounce of heart I had. He sat silently looking back at me as if to say “For what?”

“You know, I had like, a really terrible day yesterday. I know that sounds cliché but, you know it was just kind of unexpectedly awful.”

“Really? Why? What happened?

“I mean, it’s not really a big deal at this point but, this guy that I thought was a friend basically offered me money for sex.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah, it’s not really worth discussing, but I mean, that’s why I was kind of acting out of character last night.”

“I understand. Totally. That’s why you wanted to do the one night stand thing.”

“Pretty much. I just wanted to own it, you know? To remind myself that I own myself.”

“Right … and, luckily for me, I just so happened to be there,” he said.

We sat talking for the rest of his lunch. He told me about his son and his son’s mother, who he didn’t live with – thankfully. The mother had moved south and so he only got the chance to see the boy over the summer and on long breaks from school. I told him about my experience with the sergeant. He laughed, chiding me for my naivete.

And that’s how we began. The one night stand that wasn’t ended up growing into the most productive, healthy relationship I had since moving to New York. From that lunch forward we essentially started over. I guess you might call that our first date. Over the next couple of months we hung out often, sometimes more than once a week. He was not a part time gentleman, nor was he a knave dressed in kindly clothes. He was a nice guy, plain and simple. A true gentleman. We took things slow, not becoming intimate for a long while. When we did have sex, it was followed by a long conversation about where we are and where we were going. He told me that he was falling for me, and I told him that I was at a point in my life where I was mature enough to understand that I really didn’t know what I wanted. He respected that and we agreed that, while we weren’t yet ready to attach any titles to our relationship, we also weren’t going to see other people.

See Also:  Confessions of a Cerebral Dater: Learning to Trust Your Partner

Time flew by, seasons changed and before I knew it, I’d had him in this relationship Purgatory for almost nine months. I can’t say that we grew closer together or that we grew further apart. We kind of just were. We were each other’s Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. There was a simple consistency to our relationship that I both appreciated and loathed.

Before I knew it, summer had come and we were sitting in a cab, coming back from Laguardia Airport after picking up his son. He was six years old and super excited to see his dad. He spent the entire ride alternately jostling and punching his father and staring menacingly at me. I smiled and tried to play, but it all just felt really weird. The plan was to spend the day shopping, getting him new clothes for the summer, and then spend the evening watching kids movies on Netflix. It sounded fun, and pleasantly different from our normal routine, when we discussed it before the kid arrived. But once he was there, I just couldn’t take it. I felt like a kid myself. The cab pulled up to Steve’s apartment complex, but I didn’t get out.

“Babe, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know, I think I’m just gonna head home…”

“What? Why? We had plans?”

“I know. Steve. I just … This … all of this. I just can’t … this is terrible, I’m sorry. I just can’t.”

And, ever the nice guy, he just leaned back in, kissed me on the cheek and told me he understood. He reached into his wallet, and against my objections, handed me enough cash to cover my ride home. And just like that, as awkwardly as it had begun, our relationship was over. I found myself crying the whole trip home. But I wasn’t sad, I was guilty.

The next couple weeks I spent a great deal of time thinking about why I couldn’t get myself to fall for Steve. Nice guys always get mad when women say they want a nice guy. They know the truth. The truth is the nice guy is amazing in theory, and not so amazing in practice. There’s nothing wrong, but there’s also nothing to write home about. Maybe one day I’ll get to a point where that’s what I want, where “how well he treats me” becomes the top thing on my priority list when it comes to looking for love, but at that point in my life, I just wasn’t there. I wanted to feel deeply for the person I was committed to. If I learned anything from my relationship with him it was that, at that point, I was not ready for a serious relationship. I knew that I wanted to be there eventually, but not just yet. There was still more fun to be had and the supermarket seemed like a good place to start.

So what do think of nice guys and gals? Does the fact that a person treats you well mean they deserve to be with you? Is there a such thing as being “too nice”. How important is chemistry when it comes to choosing a lover. As a woman in her mid-twenties, having lived in the city for only 3 years (at that point) can you understand why Sam was hesitant with Steve? Also, this week we got our first little glimpse of Sam’s super market friend (he’ll be featured next week). Do any of you have people in your life that you see often, flirt with often, but have no real plans of actually getting to know?

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Comment(180)

  1. ugh i wanna like sam but… when she "gets ready" for a relationship she'll be complaining that she couldn't find a man like Steve. Us women are so confusing at times.

    1. I agree. I love nice guys and I am not really into the whole bad boy types. Every girl and their own. I like an guy who is always sweet to me and a constant gentleman. They are also usually more sensitive to my emotions and listen. I have never fallen for a bad boy b/c their persona turns me off. I want my man to be a man and forever a gentle man. Also, a nice guy does not have to be timid or shy. I like quiet guys and some of the ones I know can stand out without trying to draw attention to themselves.

  2. Love this series! Can't wait to read the remaining stories and see Sam's growth. I sure do hope she ends up with a good man… It's sad she did not feel ready for this one. I'm almost willing to bet she'll regret letting him go, but we shall see.

    Also, I'm very glad she did not have a one night stand.

  3. It’s sad that she let the man go but jumping into a relationship you don’t want with a man you don’t really feel is not better. I have done the same and as much as it sucked, I’m glad I did because I know I wouldn’t have made him happy, or at least it wouldn’t have lasted. Honesty is still the best policy even when feelings get hurt. It is important to be honest with ourselves and with our significant others.

  4. At the end of the day you can't fight your feelings I suppose. Steve gave it a good run and seemingly did everything "right", but in this case it wasn't enough. Just got to charge it to the game and move on. I'm sure Steve will be ok….Sam, too.

  5. A part of me understands what Sam is talking about but the other part makes me want to pop her upside of her head. I can understand her not jumping into a serious relationship (he had a child) and he wanted her to meet the kid so he seemed pretty serious. But at the same time saying “a nice guy is good in theory” is a little off. Like what does she want does she want to chase after men who don’t want her, men who lie to her? But I guess a good thing is only good if you’re ready for it. I guess I have to remember she was single for a year and sometimes when you’re coming off of the bench a relationship seems ideal, but once you step up to the plate you realize what your really getting into. I hope at least this man showed Sam that there are good guys out there who will treat a lady how she needs to be treated and hopefully she looks for these qualities in the men she chooses to deal with from here on.

    The ideal man for her right now is one who had all the qualities Steve has but not as serious maybe.

  6. I am upset with Sam. When the next dude comes along, that cheats and uses her, she will think about what she had with Steve. It is evident she attracts mainly the wrong type of dude and this time she got a nice guy, but she didnt want it…Sam…smh.

  7. I have read the series from thr beginning and it is interesting to have a females perspective towards being single and looking for love. I am a 23 year old professional looking at rekationshios and this provides some insight towrds who I am, and how i should present mysekf to women.

  8. I'm kinda mad at Sam, but at the same time I get it. I'm also wondering why he let go so easily if he was falling for her or fell for her?

    I look forward to this every week. Good Job!

  9. I'm glad she didn't have the one night stand with him. But she will think back to him once in a while, not necessarily out of regret..I mean, she wasn't ready…but she will think of him.

    Loving the series!

    ION, can a girl get Steve's number 🙂 ?

  10. I've been there. The man who was just too nice, too routine, didn't take enough initiative or just seemed too meek. I get what Sam is going through. You can't force feelings. Kudos to Sam for speaking up, admitting her feelings weren't the same and knowing that it was on her and never blamed him. I appreciate this series.

  11. i probably would have done the same thing. hopefully, i wouldn't have strung him along for so long though. people like to act like there is mandatory dichotomy with men (and black men especially). Either he's a "nice guy" but wack, or he's fun and exciting but either a manwhore or a douchebag. I don't think that has to be the case. You can find a nice man who treats you well, that you also click with and are attracted to, have deep feelings for, etc.

    I might be in the minority, but I don't think that the fact that a man is "nice" and a "gentleman" is any reason for you to date him if you're not feeling him. Honestly, that, for me, is the minimum. Its sad that Sam had such unfortunate experiences with men up until that point, but I'm glad she didn't choose to commit to guy that she wasn't really feeling.
    My recent post Hey! I made a dating blog.

    1. amen amen amen. I was about to say "this nice guy stuff is some bs" but you said it much better. We are all complex. I could easily call myself a "nice girl" given that I don't determine a man's worth based on his finances (which is what I hear men complaining about) BUT I know I got my problems just like everyone else.

      p.s. I'm kind of late on this, but I love that SBM is incorporating so much creativity on the site.
      My recent post Girl Pedestrians

    2. amen amen amen. I was about to say "this nice guy stuff is some bs" but you said it much better. We are all complex. I could easily call myself a "nice girl" given that I don't determine a man's worth based on his finances (which is what I hear men complaining about) BUT I know I got my problems just like everyone else.

      p.s. I'm kind of late on this, but I love that SBM is incorporating so much creativity on the site.
      My recent post Girl Pedestrians

      1. Hey Nina – thanks! We really are trying our damnedest to keep things new and interesting for you guys … we really appreciate when you notice!

    3. +1000
      All I wanna know is, why is no one calling out the MEN in her life for their ish? Isn't the FIRST thing they say, "Don't make someone a priority who CLEARLY views you as an option"? Why is no one noticing that she TOLD dude that she had no CLUE if she wanted him or not, & he responded by agreeing that they should not date other people/ be EXCLUSIVE???

      O_o

      #WhereTheyDoThatAt

      If HE had said that, and SHE responded by agreeing to be exclusive, the comment section would have exploded. Just sayin'.

      1. But its also Sam's responsibility to walk away if Steve is agreeing. If she knows that he is feeling her more than she is feeling him, then she should have walk then. She almost led to the guy on……its stuff like this that make nice guys into a douche

        1. Find me a guy that has walked away from a 'nice arraingement' like the one she had & come back to me. She's happy, she's getting her needs met, the UNHAPPY person needs to buck up & do something, not the happy one. It's not her responsibility to make a decision for another ADULT human being. Had the reverse happened we'd be blaming Sam for being stupid not walking away from a less-than-ideal situation.

    4. Nothing in this story told us that he was wack. I can understand if she didn't want to get involve with someone with a child, but if that wasn't the reason she comes off as kind of dim.

  12. Sigh at Sam. We women truly are damn near incomprehensible at times. The “good guy” that we want in theory, the one who fulfills every requirement on our checklist, is the same dude we’llsay we feel no spark with. Sigh at myself too 🙁

  13. It's wild to me to see all the different responses. Women seem to want to sterotypical strong black man. That being said, when a "nice guy" come around women can't seem to handle it. You see how she made the comment on his height also. I've played that nice nice guy role with beautiful women and they seem to not be able to handle that. It's sad. Love is three parts: intimacy, passion, and committment so nice guys don't seem to stimulate that passion part of the triangle of love. It is what it is. Nice guys finish last so I'm done with that part of my life. Now that I'm that alpha male asshole, women start coming around more and want relationships.

    I think the essence of being an ideal "man" or mate is striking that perfect balance between being the nice guy/partner and alpha male that gets the passion and emotion women crave, want, and desire. Sadly most men cannot find that balance. You are either a nice guy or an asshole, rarely both.

    To all the sistas out there, what is wrong with the nice guy?

    1. I respect Sam for being honest with her feelings and level of maturity. I wish she let this man know sooner so he could go and be with someone that was actually ready. She is growing and as annoying as some of her words were, she is growing. Hopefully, she moves away from the thought that a nice guy is cool only in theory.

      @TexasMade, you are who you are. Do not change because 2 or so beautiful women did not like you for being a nice guy. Nothing, absolutely nothing is wrong with being a nice guy. They may finish last but they finish best (if that makes sense). I am marrying a “nice” guy. I love, *you hear me*, I love that my daughters will have an example of what a real man should be and my sons will have a good example. It feels good to not have the drama of an a-hole in my life (cause nothing is cute about that). It is sesky to me. Maybe, dealing with a-holes has allowed me to appreciate what a “nice” alpha male brings to the table. I love my nice man.
      My father was a typical nice guy, boring to people but my mother blessed God everyday for giving her such a love, peace of mind and a life of little drama.

    2. The "nice" guy can be under assertive. Although your right, its the perfect balance of nice guy and alpha male. Example, lets see myself and a group of ladies are out together and we cross paths with "the guy." Alpha male will walk right up to the group of dancing ladies, whether men are around trying to dance with the ladies or not and grab his girl, "staking his claim, like the proud man that he is." Nice guy will stand in the back ground and watch until you stop what your doing and come up to him. I mean really?? Although women are evolving like WIM pointed out in another blog, I think many women still like "Gaston~ with his cleft chin," the big alpha male to puff his chest here and there in honor of his goregous lady. But like always, this is an opinion and doesn't blanket across all women.

  14. I don't know how old "Sam" is but would like to know. I'm not mad at Sam because I didn't want and wasn't ready for a really serious seriously committed relationship that would lead to marriage and children until I was almost 30.
    Sam needs to learn proper relationship etiquette and be upfront and honest much sooner. She truly dealt with a very nice and very mature man and she's lucky he didn't trip. Even nice guys will be pissed, disappointed, and hurt and go off about a woman "stringing them along" for too long and not letting their feelings clearly be known from the door.
    Maybe it's just me but I've learned over the years that time can be your best friend or worst enemy….either you have too much of it or not enough…most times it's the latter.
    Once time is spent you can't get it back. It's gone. So when you give months or years of your time to a person and have nothing to show for it it sucks and thats what pisses most folks off and hurts them.
    Steve from what I gather is pretty mature not to go off on Sam and simply bow out gracefully, let bygones be bygones and walk away.
    Her departure and honesty with Steve and herself should've came much much sooner than it did.
    But hey, you live and learn. At least now she knows and hopefully in the future will handle things much better.
    Good luck to Sam in all her future relationship endeavors.

  15. I understand that she, as every woman does, has every right to her feelings but STILL……..as a man I gotta say this is that B**S***!!!!! Aside from him having a kid this dude seemed to be everything she, and most women, talk about wanting. And she drops him.
    Years from now she will be ready for a man just like him and none just like him will be available. Its at that point I wish I could materialize before her shaking my head and saying, "You dumbass!". Then dematerialize.

    1. "Its at that point I wish I could materialize before her shaking my head and saying, "You dumbass!". Then dematerialize."

      LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY AT MY DESK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *tears*

  16. I love this series. I felt the same way at some point – had that realization that I wasn't ready for a steady. All women are not on the marriage hunt all the time from the moment they're born. I know we all hate the term "doing me", but I don't see it as totally about the physical. It also includes professional and emotional priorities. Samantha is ready to "do her". It wasn't until I got real comfortable in my own skin, got myself established, finished (that round) of school, blew off some steam, had some adventures, and everything else before I was fit for a more settled life.

  17. Did she really have to string him along for nine months? Either you want to be with dude or don't. That was my main issue with her this time.

    1. But I don’t think she stringed him along. She told him she didnt know want she wanted. He agreed to be patience with her. She made a choice. 9 months isn’t too bad, I mean they were getting to know each other. She backed out before he got to serious i.e.: meeting his child. Just like we get on women, he had the talk with her numerous times, she came to the conclusion that she "didn’t know what she wanted" and let him know that, he made a choice just like she did.

      I think he was needed to remind her how a man is should treat you. I think she needs to meet someone like him just not as serious. Someone she can date and maybe grow with slowly.

      1. I think whats important here is that as soon as she was SURE…CERTAIN…Steve was not a serious option for her, she told him and let him go.

        *cough*SLIM*cough*

        *snickers*

        1. lol yea unlike some men who would be like "hey I dont want this" but not inform the women and stay until some other options opened up.

        2. "I think whats important here is that as soon as she was SURE…CERTAIN…Steve was not a serious option for her, she told him and let him go. "

          THIS is the key difference!!
          If she'd have kept seeing him and effing him, she'd be wrong as two left shoes. You know that man wants you…

      2. "But I don’t think she stringed him along. She told him she didnt know want she wanted. He agreed to be patience with her. She made a choice. 9 months isn’t too bad, I mean they were getting to know each other."

        But when men do this, we are told that "we know what that really means to women and youre an @sshole for continuting the relationship"

        but im chillin

        1. lol listen I’m saying some men don’t do a Sam and just come out and say I don’t want a relationship and bounce. Especailly if you and a young lady have been trying to chose which road to take. Men come to the conclusion in their head but don’t inform the young lady who has chosen to take the backseat for a while until he figures it out. Again this is in reference to Sam's situation. Even if it was Steve in Sam shows I would say the same thing.

    1. I actually agree with this and it saved me a comment. I have an ex like that, (I've complained about him on here before, the dude who could NOT, for the LIFE of him, ever make a decision-it was always "I dunno, what do YOU want to do?"). He finds me on FB years later, and he has turned into a COMPLETE @$$hole. I had to sit him down and explain to him- the opposite of timid is ASSERTIVE, not @$$HOLE. "Nice guys" get it all wrong, believing that they key to a woman's heart is to treat them like ish. No, now you're just an @$$ that the woman you wanted is STILL not attracted to, lol!

  18. I’m loving this series! I see reflections of me in this series…learning about me as I read this…thanks for sharing. 🙂

  19. Teflon me and you are <<<<<<<<<<<<<<Here>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> to the nth degree…
    Men tend to wrongly assume that "all" women want to be a wife and mother from the time they are a child and love to play house and all that. I used to like playing with my race cars and my turbo train set as much as my barbies….lol and I played waitress, doctor and supermarket checkout girl more than house….lol.

  20. Fella's all women are Not created the same. There are women who are a lot like "typical" men in terms of the kind of relationship they want. There are women who just want sex…..really thats all they want. There are women who do not want a relationship and just want an fwb and/or homie, lover, friend. There are women who Never want to have kids….Ever. Granted they are few and far between but they do exist.
    I'm guestimating that Sam is fairly young…..definitely under 30 yrs old. She seems to simply not want the responsibility of a serious full on committed relationship, potential marriage and kids right now and that is just fine. Nothing at all wrong with it.

  21. Men have to respect when a woman just isn't ready just like they expect women to respect and understand when they aren't ready to commit and put a ring on it.
    However, one thing I pride myself on is the fact that I was completely honest with the men I dated and told them when they began catching feelings and talking of serious relationships exactly how I felt and that I did not want that at that time. I told them if thats truly what they wanted, to find someone else who wanted the same thing and was on the same page as them. I encouraged them to move on so they could be happy. I made sure I didn't waste anyone's time, money, and energy.

    1. True in theory, but in practice people want what they want when they want it, and if they can't have it, they will use terms like immature and childish, when truthfully, they themselves are acting like a petulant little child. When a child doesn't get what they want, they pout and resort to calling people names.

      1. Paul your right…..people do want what they want when they want it…..however, it's in large part because of this mentality that folks have so many problems and issues in life and then complain complain complain.

  22. On this part, I think she wanted to at least try to act out what she knew would be inevitable in the relationship with Steve. Sometimes, well, many times the reality of things or our true feelings or responses aren’t what we imagine they will be. At least she didnt drag it on until they were engaged or married & then break the news that she didn’t want that role of being a Stepmom. We all have to agree that Steve knew the risk & he enjoyed the benefits of the relationship just as she did. I’m not saying it’s totally right, but I’ve learned that nothing is guaranteed or written in stone or blood in dating or even marital relationships anymore…just saying. I still am in love with the thought of love and encountering real love one day. But I think thats where we (women-some of us) get things confused. Trying to show & give away what we deem as genuine love too soon. It gets us into trouble.

  23. Now this is the part that I fault Sam on. Now that girlfriend has an idea of what she wants and doesn't want she needs to honestly let the men she deals with know that from the door.
    Even if she is "confused" and not sure about what she wants, she needs to tell them that and let them decide if they wanna deal with her confused behind or move on.
    It's not fair of her to have psuedo-relationships with men who may not even know they are in a psuedo-relationship with her because they want more than that. Also not fair to let men court her, spend money on her, take her out, and have their feelings grow for her and at the end of the day she doesn't really want them for whatever reason. They may have given her their best and feel like they got nothing in return and nothing to show for their effort, time, patience, and love.
    She needs to be real about her wants, needs and feelings to these men so nobody's time is wasted.

    1. I totally agree…Like in Jay-Z said it best, "once a good girl is gone, she is gone forever." That statement applies to both sexes. It's hard to get that good dude to resort back to being a gentleman after being crushed by one female. I have to agree though, it's not about being a "nice guy" but being a "great guy" and that's what women want. No one wants a dude that is drama filled, but no one wants a dude who can't make decisions, lead, and basically take initiative. That in my opinion is what seperates the two.

  24. This was kinda sad. I think reading it I wanted them to work out so the ending disappointed me. I think it is good that Sam did not pretend to be into it when she wasn't. I think seeing the son made it all too real. Hopefully, her story gets better from here on out. There is more to this story, right?
    My recent post Spring Fever in March

  25. I just wanna know how the hell old Samatha really is because this shyt is some BS-BULL!

    I guess I can’t be judging her on shyt but dude seemed like a completely nice guy. She didn’t make it sound like SHE tried to do anything to spice up her relationship in any way, yet she was “bored” with a perfectly fine relationship? WHAT does she REALLY want? This girl thinks she might’ve been better off taking the $500/wk for some “fun”.

    Thst’s mean and I know it….but for me, a chick over 35, I just want something nice & calm like that. I would have taken that relationship to the bank at 25, put it in a safe-deposit box and lived off the interest for as long as humanly possible.

    That’s all I’m saying.

    Chicks like Sam make nice relationships like that hard to get for other chicks.

    1. Wow – why are you that mad at her, lol! I'm thinking if she's gone straight through school and just finished a masters degree that she's somewhere in the neighborhood of 25ish. I understand what you're saying about preserving a relationship with a good guy…but at the same time everything has it's season. I just don't think this is her season for getting into something serious. I was the same way at her age, now I'm in my early-ish 30's and married with kids. I'm glad I didn't push myself to make something work because the man was a "good catch". Good catch doesn't always mean "good for me." OR that I'll be good to/for him.

  26. I’m reading all these comments from the women and I just gotta say: women don’t know WHAT THE HELL they want. Want a nice guy, but not a nice guy. Don’t want the man to cheat, be mean, no thugs, got a job, have his own crap, all these damn requirements, but when you get all that, you say it’s enough but not enough. Really? What more do you want from the guy? OMG…I’m a woman and MY BUTT is confused. It seems like it would take a hell of a strong and patient guy to make chicks happy. Dude gotta be Jesus AND Hercules AND closely related to Bill Gates and Oprah for women to be completely satisfied? You guys DO know, right, that that kind of perfection doesn’t exist and you all have to have some part in making a relationship come alive in the area you may feel is lacking? I’m smh @ my gender who want it but don’t.

    1. Just because Sam didn’t want THIS nice guy, doesn’t means she doesn’t want ALL nice guys. There have been a few nice guys I turned down, and a few I went on to have relationships with. Sometimes you don’t click with someone, even though you feel like you should. It happens.

    2. I just think this nice guy was too serious for her. She even said he seemed like he was ready to become very serious very fast. She wasn’t ready for that which is fine. Her problem is thinking that a nice guy is nothing to write home about or the idea of a nice guy is just that. That's were Sam shows her "misguidance/youth". People need to learn the difference between nice and boring because they are not synonyms for one another. IDK she’s young so I think she wants a guy who just has her best interest in mind, genuine and a freak lol.

  27. Ive been following the series and have commented until now because I wanted to see how Sam reacted in various situtations. Sam is broken, she’s a shell of a woman. I’m not saying this to be mean but I used to be her. I’ve been in similar situations. The sergeant did a real number on her and while she didn’t knowingly show it on the outside it made her insecure. The insecurity she gave off is why her neighbor thought it was acceptable to offer her money for sex. The insecurity is why she attempted to have a one night stand. The insecurity caused her to hurt. And the hurt caused her to hurt the nice guy. Being a woman isn’t easy. She needs to stop dating for a while and figure out what Sam really wants and ask God for guidance.

  28. While it's possible to meet a decent man at any age (I did and married him when I was 37), though it gets more difficult; I have several friends knocking on 40 who wish they wouldn't have been so hasty is dismissing that nice, decent guy they met in their mid-to-late 20s.

    And it's not fair to lead someone on, even if they agree to it. Women holler and scream about men doing it to us. We need to be consistent, ladies.

  29. Aww…I liked Steve. 🙁

    I too am more than a little bit annoyed at Sam. It's one thing to just not be into someone. I don't want to totally say she strung him along because he agreed to take a back seat, but to go as far as allowing herself to be known by his child is irresponsible on both Steve and Sam's parts. With that said I've done some dumb things in the past so this is not to judge, just commenting.

    As for the "nice guy" thing..I hate to actually use the term "nice guy" and instead just call them passive. I caught a red flag when he asked her what she wanted to eat off the bat. Miniscule, yes, but NOT a deal breaker in the least. Being late however, the flag wouldN'T have gone off if he instead said, "Sorry I'm late…let's head over to this Chinese place unless you're up for something else."

    I also get all of this talk about her being young but come on..I'm 24 and am going "WTF" on more than a few occasions, lol. This is just me of course, but I've found it's best to err on the side of leaving something alone if I'm unsure. Meddling creates super awesome reads by Most on SBM. 🙂

  30. Sam reminds me of myself in my early 20's. I while I personally tend to like the "nice guys", dull is never a desirable trait. I think Sam made a good choice in ending it before spending "bonding time" with his son. Like many have said above it is likely that when she does decide she is ready she will be looking for alot of what Steve had….. sigh thats dating for you
    My recent post Charlotte Black Butterfly Single – Sonshine, Words &amp; Ms. Channer

  31. I was on the edge of falling the eff to sleep when I came across this promo tweet. Yup, stayed up to read!

    Awww, dayum Sam. Now, while folks are always mad that women dismiss the nice guys, I'm actually applauding for her. This couldn't have been easy for her and what's worse than dismissing a nice guy? Stringing him along when you're not really feeling it JUST because he's nice, and then breaking his heart later which can turn him into NOT such of a nice guy. So… glad she did it. She wasn't ready at the time. Tough decisions…

    1. Right?! Who wants to be a consolation prize?? No one! (No one with a healthy self esteem anyway)

      All ya'll that are saying she'll regret leaving him when she's 30+ and lonely are really grinding my gears. Both Sam and Steve deserve better than that. Not cause they're good people, Ion't know them, but everyone deserves to love and be loved – and NOT just because they're the lesser of two evils.

      I will die barren and alone with a thousand wiener dogs (sorry, not really a cat person) before I settle for the guy that's nice enough!

  32. Man! Will the "Single Sam" series be a Thursday thing?? I need to be munching on something when I read these, lol. Oooh, chile!

    Awwww, Sammy-Saaaaaaaaam! I wanna be mad at you but I can't. You knew Steve was a really good guy. Unfortunately, our feelings just don't get with the program sometimes. Mad props for telling yo as soon as "I don't know" or "not right now" turned to "not ever". I was just talking to my homegirl about the age old question…"Why don't we…men AND women…want those that really want us????" Maybe we want…a nice challenge…nice, but keeps us on our toes. Iono…Lawd knows I don't know, lol. *shrugs* But, if we're all honest with ourselves, in one way or another, we've done something similar…let go of someone who hadn't done anything wrong but regardless of that fact, we weren't really "feeling" them. It happens.

    Keep'em comin, Sam & Most! Keep'em comin…

  33. First of all, I love Steve for not sleeping with her. I kinda guessed as much when she said he'd slept on the couch. That said, there was no real chemistry between them from the beginning. I didn't read many comments, but I glimpsed a few arguments of the nice guys finishing last & women not knowing what they want variety. I'm not going to apologize for not liking every nice guy who comes across my path. What Sam did wrong was to string him along for that length of time, but by no means was she at fault for not seeking something more with him. My father is a nice man and all, but he is assertive when he wants something and let my mom know within a week that she was IT. I'm not going to pretend that niceness is perfectly synonymous with some of Steve's meek characters that did not fascinate Sam, or that every nice man/woman is a perfect match for the people they like. That I want a gentleman in no way suggests that I must fall for every one who takes an interest in me. Lastly, there are gentlemen out there who have women swooning wherever they go, short ones included. The bottom line is that there was no real chemistry as far as Sam was concerned, and she wasn't ready for something serious (which might not have been the case if she were really into Steve).

    1. "I'm not going to apologize for not liking every nice guy who comes across my path. "

      "That I want a gentleman in no way suggests that I must fall for every one who takes an interest in me. "

      Just wanted to say it again…

  34. Before all the nice guy slander gets too out of control, can I just say that "women don't want a nice guy" is BS. The saying should be that "women don't want just a nice guy". Just like men want more than just a pretty face.

    Men don't break up with Jennifer Aniston's and Halle Berry's because they don't like women that are too pretty, they break up with them because they didn't like the whole package. Because Sam did like the fact that he was a nice guy, they dated for over 9 months…because she liked something about him, but the fact is just being nice is not enough.

    Good men are not always good for you and vice versa. He deserved someone that appreciated him with passion, not a weekend filler.

    Props to you Sam for not using this man and involving yourself in his child's life when you knew there was no future. If she woulda continued to ride it out and use him for companionship ya'll woulda been on her for that. [email protected], Sam can't catch a break!

    1. "Men don't break up with Jennifer Aniston's and Halle Berry's because they don't like women that are too pretty, they break up with them because they didn't like the whole package."

      "Good men are not always good for you and vice versa. He deserved someone that appreciated him with passion, not a weekend filler. "

      you said it all right here…took me at least til the age of 26-27 to come to this realization. Its a very hard lesson for "good guys" to learn

    2. I couldn't have said it better myself. The TOTAL package. Isn't that what everyone wants?? Dudes act like just because they're nice, they deserve the girl. Being nice isn't all it takes, and being beautiful isn't all it takes for a man to want to marry a woman. Being nice is "a" factor, not "the only" factor in determining that you have a good man that you'd like to settle down with.

      Applause!
      My recent post 30′s 30 Sexiest Men Alive

    1. But she did appreciate it, starting from the second day of their acquaintanceship. If she didn't, they wouldn't have gotten as far as they did.

  35. Le Sigh……
    The people saying Sam is crazy are cracking me up, because you KNOW you have done the same at one point! I have said it before and I will say it again- all women want the same thing- THEIR OWN WAY. They just don't want it to seem like they got it that EASILY. I try to explain this to my nice-guy friends all the time and no one seems to get it. Women want to feel SPECIAL. Hence the reason they try to turn an @$$ into a gentleman- they feel "special" because she is the ONLY person he treats with respect (do I agree with this? Not really, but another story.). If you give every person you meet carte blanche treatment, how will she ever feel special or different? If you lay your jacket in front of a puddle for a stranger, ALWAYS pay for drinks when your friends go out & ALWAYS do what everyone else wants to do when you go out…how does she ACTUALLY know that she's the 'unique' one? Plus, honestly, all the nice dudes I've gone out with were way more interested in the IDEA of me than actually ME…and that is a HORRIBLE feeling.

    1. idk about this one. I mean the true character of a man is how he treats others. Not saying he has to be generous to everyone. That’s the problem in itself with @hole they treat you nice for a limited time then once they got what they want they treat you like they treat the people who you thought you were more special than.

      But I do agree with the first part we've all been in Sam's shoes with the nice guy after the jerk.

      1. Treating others with RESPECT? Yes. COURTESY? Yes. Bending to every person you meet because you have some secret insecurity that you, as a PERSON, are not enough for them to want to hang around without the perks? NO thank you. The problem with that is, they treat EVERY woman they meet the way that normal people would only treat their significant other, and treat EVERY acquaintance like their best friend. It's kinda creepy. if she said "I don't know what I want," & HE said, "well then, how 'bout we continue to see other people untill you DO", I would have felt differently about dude.

        BTW- I find it sad that we are in a place where being a "gentleman" is so rare that that fact in itself is pointed out as a reason to make it permanent. What happened to attraction? Similar likes & dislikes? Common goals & life philosophies? ALL men you entertain as potential mates should be gentlemen, that should be what gets them in the door from JUMP. Then we can determine from there if we are a good match.

    2. OMG this entire comment.

      i dated someone that was so nice he was basically all his female friends' substitute husband. like, i don't want to date the dude every other dude is cool with his wife to hang out with all day because he knows dude is a simp. nawl. other dudes should not be comfortable with you spending hours upon hours fixing her computer and going baby clothes shopping and such. like why is your lameness SO concrete that this goes unquestioned? lol. he was way too gentlemanly for everyone (great person, but everyone doesn't deserve unending niceness) and it got annoying. i'd ask what's special about me and he'd say "you're my girlfriend." i don't want to be anyone's "insert name here" girl. ew.

      My recent post How Garlic Saved My Life (or just my hair)

  36. 9 months isn’t that long. She jumped ship just in time. Sam met a good guy, gave him a chance and it just didn’t work out. I know it’s hard to here because Sam supposedly had so much chemistry with jerk number 1 but hey sometimes that’s just how the dice roll. Sam probably was genuinely interested in Steve I mean she seemed to open up to him very well; it’s just that the interest didn’t developed into something more.

    Just because you've encounter one jerk and now have learned your lesson doesn’t mean you have to give every "good guy" who likes you a chance. The point is to learn how to spot the jerk in the crowd of good guys, kick him out and then choose one good guy from the pool of well qualified applicants.

    1. Muze the only reason why she didn't sleep with him is because she was too drunk and passed out….otherwise it would've gon down….Only reason she knew she didn't sleep with him was because he told her. So imo that doesn't count.
      "I’d had him in this relationship Purgatory for almost nine months. I can’t say that we grew closer together or that we grew further apart. We kind of just were."
      This type of thing is the very thing Women always complain about when it comes to men. This is exactly what many men do that women hate and say is foul, and unfair and bs. So why is it cool when Sam does this????

      1. As I said yes I've felt like her where I wasn't ready for a serious relationship at all with any man really…..but I let men know that….never had a half azzed relationship with a man I knew was falling in love with me and 9 times outta 10 wanted more. Never had sex with a man I wasn't into and attracted to and didn't want to be in a relationship with….but thats just me, to each his/her own.
        My point is I feel she was wrong for carrying on this "relationship purgatory" for so long. Nine months is a good long minute…that's an entire school year.
        Real talk a woman doing this to man is no better than a man who keeps a woman in "relationship purgatory" for pu$$y with no intentions of ever being her man much less wifing her.
        If they never ever had sex I would at least give her some credit for not sleeping with him. But once shel slept with him it probably deepend the relationship and took it to another level….much like it would with a woman, because this man was in love with her and obviously wanted to be with her.

        1. Just like I tell women, know what you’re signing up for. She told him around month 4 I don’t know what I want, he said cool. He gave her time to figure it out and she said she realized it was just too much. He also agreed to no titles. Sam didn’t sell him any dreams she said she didn’t know what she wanted, I think Steve is pretty smart and figured out that it might not go as expected but he enjoyed the ride, hence why he didn’t get mad when she said goodbye.

        2. True Smilez Steve may have been cool with whatever went down in the end. I think that there was still too much open-endedness.

  37. for once i can say that Sam and i have been in the exact same boat. lol

    and i did exactly what she did.

    glad dude didn't sleep with her, and glad she was honest with him before getting all involved with the child and such. just because someone is a nice guy and treats you right doesn't obligate you to hold on to him like he's the only one that ever will.
    My recent post How Garlic Saved My Life (or just my hair)

  38. Sifting through the comments this morning. From what I gather it appears the general consensus is that Sam just wasn't feeling him, albeit him nice and that 9 months was a good amount of time for it not to get too serious and let the relationship go before it went too far.

    Now, call me crazy, but when we see stories when Men start talking to a woman and there is no title after 3 months aren't many (not all) women usually stating that the man needs to walk away or make her his girlfriend…to stop playing games…it's been 3 months he should know by now….etc, etc..etc…And if women get stringed along for longer and it doesn't end in a relationship then they were "dumb" for not walking away earlier?

    This was 9 months… Every Thursday, Friday and Saturday for niiiiine months, lol. *shrugs* Oh well, I'm going to chill, though. I actually don't mind how the situation went down. She didn't want to go to the next level…cool. I just find it interesting the slight hypocrisy when it comes from the woman's POV as opposed to the man's.

    1. Larry, I actually agree with you on this one. And I'm a woman. It is hypocritical. But so are alot of things in life, in general.

    2. The difference is same told him around month 4 that she didn’t know what she wanted. Steve could have walk he choose to stay. Maybe he wanted he her but he didn’t mind the wait because he knew her story. If a man gave a woman the answer Sam gave Steve and she didn’t mind waiting to find out the answer than hey more power to her. Steve could have been like “I have no time for games either your end or we can go our separate ways”.

      Plus most men on here co-signed that in 3-5 months they know if the girl their dealing with can be their girlfirend/ladyfriend or if that’s never going to happen.

    3. I fully see the comparisons Larry, no doubt.

      Difference is, to me she just didn't know what she wanted, as soon as she was sure there was no future, she left. In the stories from the men that we've gone in on this site, it's been "I knew I didn't want her, but she'll do til I find someone else…"

      There's a distinct difference IMO.

      I agree, though, it's impossible not to see the similarities. Fact is we relate to our own plight more though. It's human nature.

      1. You're right, however, I'm speaking of a direct parallel comparison. In other words exact same situation but gender roles switched. Man didn't know what he wanted type of situation….same as Sam. Not really speaking about the "I knew I didn't want her, but she'll do til I find someone else…"
        situation.

        1. Yep, you're probably still right…we'd doubt his "unsure-ness" and just assume he was jerking us around most likely…

    4. i agree with you. nine months three days (the weekend no less) a week is a relationship more or less, unless all you're doing is having sex, which is unlikely.

      maybe it's more so that a woman cannot generally "grow" on a man. he usually knows what he wants from a particular woman pretty much from the start (maybe not marriage, but he knows if she's going to be a butt buddy, a boo, or a friend), from what i gather from convos with the men in my life. so him stringing a woman along seems more intentional i guess? idk.

      i generally think women hold men to standards we don't hold for ourselves because we are generally better people, and therefore wouldn't do harm intentionally at the rates men do. lol.

      like, a man will tell a woman he doesn't want a relationship right now and accept her saying "i'm fine with a FWB thing" KNOWING that 9 out of 10 she isn't fine with that at all, but she's given permission to use her until she catches feelings as most women do, and thus he doesn't feel bad when he breaks it off because she said she was cool with it. a woman saying she's unsure about a relationship and a man saying he's cool with that is probably sincerely taking a man at his word, since this is a more common ability for men–the separation of emotion and sex.

      My recent post How Garlic Saved My Life (or just my hair)

      1. "i generally think women hold men to standards we don't hold for ourselves because we are generally better people, and therefore wouldn't do harm intentionally at the rates men do. lol."
        I would love to agree with that Muze because it sounds so good and favorable to women, but I don't know about that. Many times women use men they have no real interest in and aren't attracted to in the least for money, status, a baby, stability, etc etc etc.

        1. yeah some men know and are cool wit it for a while.
          A man who is really in love tho does not like being used in any way by the woman he loves…ijs.

        2. I know…it was funny because it had some semblence of truth. Women, generally, are better people…no argument there.

    5. 9 months bruh…9 months…

      men tell the women the exact same thing, and if that continued for 9 weeks…

      but i'mma nice guy. i'mma chill.

      *puts on his chin-chilla slippers*

  39. First, for the second week in a row, I don't think Sam did anything wrong. She gave a guy a chance, he didn't seem compatible with her, and she moved on before things got too deep. Will she meet another "nice guy" later with that "je ne sais quoi" that will keep her attention? Who knows, but that's the chance you take.

    Second, if there is one thing I've learned in four years of commenting on this site, it's many women can't relate to the things men do, so what men do has to be placed in a woman's perspective for them to understand. Props to Most for capturing Sam's mindset and illuminating how the nice guy isn't necessarily the right guy. Now let's flip it to the male perspective.

    Steve was a nice guy, a gentleman, he played by the rules, and was the man women claim they want. But it wasn't enough. Ladies, you may have a career, six degrees, be attractive, be a great person, be a great cook, and be willing to do anything for a particular guy. And yet, you may be a Steve in his eyes.

    1. I can understand what you're saying about women not being able to see things from the male perspective. A lot of times the advice we get about dating men puts us on the defensive w/ y'all. Honestly it's only been the last year or so that I've made a concerted effort to see men as human beings. I know that sounds crazy. But for a long time I operated with the mindset that men exist w/o any insecurities. That they know exactly what they want from the moment they approach women.
      My recent post Girl Pedestrians

      1. lol *bats eyes at Hugh* I'm down 🙂

        Thanks Naija, truth is Ion't even have to comment sometimes cause I can just +1 your comments lol. So right back atcha.

        We got way too many great commenters and writers to choose from.
        SBM: an embarrassment of riches.

    1. Character length is unfortunately a limitation of the web browser. The max character length for versions of Internet Explorer is around 3,000, while Mozilla Firefox is around 7,000, although this may fluctuate depending on several variables.

      1. So THAT's how that happens!!! I always thought the folks who could make long comments knew some magical IT handshake or something.

        1. Tef we got magic computers and laptops and tablets….I'll sell you one at a discount price aight……lol ha ha

    1. Bree, you know I love you like cooked food for putting two related posts together so magically. Well played. also shows how dedicated a reader of ours you are. We appreciate you.

      1. aaawww……Thanks Most…..your welcome…….I appreciate the views and insight I gain from this blog….definitely my fav….luv u too boo…*smile*

        1. plus yall have provided me with some damn good conversation pieces…..like this one for instance……*smile*

        2. lol, if only they got "hits" or something for all the convos that their posts spark!! Cause the debate goes past the net for sure!!

  40. I have been doing some fun elevator flirting with this guy who works in my building. We have witty banter which is oh so rare these days and then we get off on our respective floors. I don't even know his name and I'm cool with that. Sometimes you just need an ego boost.

    On to Sam… I once heard a pastor talk about when God created Adam and how he put all the animals in the garden, fish in the sea, birds in the sky, etc and Adam was like, "Yo God. I need something else. I need a helpmate." And pastor said, "this is to say that everything in a nature does not complement you." Meaning just because someone is good doesn't mean they're good for you. And that's ok. But it can be hard to walk away when you don't know what's up the road or around the corner. And there can be this internal pressure or guilt that you are leaving a good thing. A nice guy. But as someone who has had some very boring dates with some very "nice" guys, it's not worth it just for the sake of companionship.
    My recent post What Brings You Joy Wednesday?

    1. Considering Most knows what he's doing and is gradually building up to the denouement, I wouldn't be surprised if "Sam" is married in real life. He and Sam are probably exchanging texts and laughing at some of the more judgmental comments.

  41. First of all props go to Sam for exploring a relationship with Steve. She knew initially that he was a nice guy and she gave their "non-titled" relationship a chance. During her exploration she realized he wasn't the man for her and did the right thing by ending it. A lot of women are like Sam, myself included. It's not that she doesn't know what she wants, but love requires trial and error and she's doing a damn good job weeding out the wrong ones for her. The only way she will find the man for her is to keep trying, and as she continues to understand what she doesn't want she will in turn find out exactly what she does want. Such is life and 21st centure dating!

    Secondly…great job Most! I love this series and I can't wait for the next one! You're a great writer thanks for sharing your gift with all of us!

  42. I don't think it was fair of Sam to not be bluntly and completely honest and straight up about never ever wanting him to be her man. It wasn't fair of her to take advantage of all the "girlfriend" benefits she probably got from him, knowing she just wasn't that into him.
    I'm not at all saying she should've been his lady if she didn't want him….if anything that should've been all the more reason for her to let him go. Tell him that they would Never Ever be anything beyond friends and yes shoot him down and any thoughts he had of a possible serious relationship. Not sleep with him because that would only complicate things for him, and remain cool friends with him or keep it moving.
    And I gotta reiterate what Streetz mentioned a few threads above:
    "But when men do this, we are told that "we know what that really means to women and youre an @sshole for continuting the relationship" TRUTH!

    1. Again he gave the benefits without the title. And I’m sure she gave him some benefits as well. She never said she didn’t want him she was open to exploring something with him and he was open to doing it on her terms.
      She said she liked him just not enough to go from dating/boo to full time serious girlfriend/potential stepmom.

      Plus there’s difference between dragging someone along until you find someone else even if you know that person isn’t it. (Men)
      And
      You dating someone trying to figure the situation out, and when you do figure it out being honest and leaving the situation alone if you’re not fully interested. (Sam)

      1. "Plus there’s difference between dragging someone along until you find someone else even if you know that person isn’t it. (Men) "

        It would appear you making this statment implies that when men "string" someone along it's usually because they know they're not interested and waiting for something else and when women "string" someone along it's because she is unsure….excuse me as I L-O-L …..situations are different. Both genders to both of these ends of the spectrum. The former isn't exclusive to men, obviously, nor is the latter to women.

  43. Wow. This one was really good.

    In reading about Sam today…I'm re-evaluating my own relationship. I'm a divorcee w/ kids and he's never been in a serious relationship. I thought he was being a jerk for taking things so slow, but now I see he just may not be ready. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me or he won't ever come around but I definitely won't try to force him. At the end of the day we all deserve to be with the one who truly makes us happy and if it's not with me I can't even get mad.

  44. #TeamSam – she made the right choice its called dating for a reason – I don't think people know how to date anymore IJS

  45. Welp another one bites the dust. So a cycle of an asshole or heart breaker begins….Just the breaks of this whole dating and courting thing. Is what it is sometimes. As a reformed good fellow you ve got to offer more than the nice guy add a little sugar and vinegar in that mix. Kill with kindness instead of offering up like a simp. Looking for to the next story but cant help but laugh in my head to think that "Sam" will allow years past and look back and say " damn I should have"….why? Cause I hear it all the time

  46. I can't even be madd @ Sam, that was the mature thing to do. Its confusing as hell to most men tho because if you do the math it should all add up. Good job + cool personality + chill baby momma..lol + good sex can possibly = instant chemistry….wrong! sometimes that good deep chemistry trumps all of the above

    1. Mr. SD: "sometimes that good deep chemistry trumps all of the above"

      Which is why some women fall for no job + a$$hole + four baby mommas.

  47. I will admit…after reading that she stayed in the car instead of getting out…my mouth dropped in astonishment and I thought "What in the Sam hell is wrong with this girl?'…but then I had to think about how much of a tragedy it would have been for her to have stayed with him, knowing that she truly did not sign up for what his life entailed. As a single mother myself, no matter how devastated I would have been to watch someone I was getting to know for nine months leave because he couldn't handle it all…I can't help but think how much more devastating it would have been for him to have met my child, developed a relationship and then leave me to explain why he left. Sam, in a innocent way, is comfortable not knowing her position, and I respect her for being honest enough not to let her indecision impact someone who is ready to make life changing ones. Why live in something you know you may not be able to last in? just my thoughts..

  48. It may not be the case that Sam doesn’t appreciate a good guy. Perhaps she just hasn’t chosen this one in particular. I think every woman desires a good man but c’mon let’s be honest, MEDIOCRITY KILLS! Something similar happened to me a while back…was seeing a good guy for a while who was just sooooo normal it was a bit sickening…very basic, too predictable, there was nothing particularly striking about his personality…no quirks, eccentricities…nothing that really distinguished him from the herd. But you’ve got to know your preferences…I know that while I appreciate a good man, that I only love good men who are mavericks in their own right. Just know your preferences…the same way that you shouldn't settle for a man who treats you like sh*t…you also shouldn't choose a man SIMPLY because he's a good one.

  49. Well Steve, just gotta charge it to the game. He'll get better, so called "nice guys" rarely last forever. The pressures of life, failed relationships and a healthy dose of rejection will gradually harden him. Hopefully it'll result in him being more assertive and not slipping into full asshole territory. And even though I'm a guy, I still can't bring myself to fully blame Sam. The heart wants what the heart wants, even if what it wants isnt good for it.

  50. First, you are an excellent writer. These stories provide the perfect amount of anticipation and suspense.

    Secondly, I think it was a mistake for my mother to advise me to "play the field," date and have fun for a while before looking to settle down and get married. While I have had an exciting and rewarding single life, it becomes increasingly difficult to find a suitable partner as you get older. I will be advising my daughter to enjoy her life, but if she finds a suitable partner at a young age, I won't necessarily discourage her from marrying because "she's too young." Sam, like me, has been misinformed.

    Lastly, the "nice guys finish last" theory is so overdone and irrelevant. Like someone said above, a guy has to do more than just be nice to win women over. Period. End of story.

    I had to let a nice guy go recently because there was no spark and I thought I could eventually be attracted to him, but realized eventually that it just wasn't there. And just because you're attractive, doesn't mean everyone will be attracted to you.
    My recent post 30′s 30 Sexiest Men Alive

  51. I don't get how folks here are saying that this guy played the simp?? He was just a good guy, plain and simple…He was all ready to smash, and if she hadn't passed out, he would have. He wasn't all that innocent and nice after all.

    If "how well he treats me" isn't at the top of her priority list, what the hell is?????

  52. I feel weird saying I like Steve after reading this tidbit, but I do. Sam is not saying anything different from what many women have done. Nice. It is a good adjective to have but something about the monotony she loathed and that was not a good sign.

    1. I can't speak for all women, but I don't crucify any man who does it the way I described. Its when dudes…or dudettes…make up in their minds that they don't want anything period and then don't disclose that (the change from "right now" to "never") to their partner that grinds my gears. I will say that had it not been for the way Most worded the story, I probably would've questioned whether or not it actually took 9 months for her to figure out that she could not and would not commit to Steve period. Only she really really knows if thats actually super true or not…so I can understand if a few folks question that detail. Me personally, I only have about 3-6 mos of hang time in me. If I'm not sure or there's no progression with a dude by then, I'm usually dipping…or at least creating some distance so neither party gets caught up.

  53. Long time lurker here. Love the site great topics. Even better commenters. Good story. I wont beat the nice guy debate to the ground, nature will work itself out it usually does. Some one will scoop up ol supposedly lame Steve. And MAYBE that someone will light a mutual fire of excitement in his life that he needs to contribute his own excitement. I read a lot about how he presented himself to the relationship mentally and physically but what did she present? Uncertainty? I say this because a lot of what went down with Sam and Steve not often that a guy like him would even get that far.Sam did what she had to do. But in a way, the nice guy didnt finish last to me..he lasted for a while albeit fleeting but did better then most proclaimed "nice guys" that cant even get to the 2nd date..or worse the first one. i had more to say but..those darn max character lengths lol

  54. If she had met him in her 30's I think she would have appreciated him. By then, good, nice, predictable and safe should be at the top of the list of priorities. Who wants wild cards when they're TRULY ready to settle?

  55. well I don't know about all these comments but I can tell you one thing! This is the main reason Black women will be single forever!
    I don't mean to sound offensive but my guess is their is a difference between a good guy and a nice guy!

    Let me Break it down! being a 21 year old who has dated some women for some time I noticed that I gave out negative vibes that women picked up on automatically!

    1. made myself too available to them
    2. I didn't play the field (Too much of a one woman man, its called dating for a reason! never limit your self to one person when dating!)
    3. too many mindless complements! (Your Hair looks nice)!
    4. Too much baggage
    5. you didn't set boundaries of respect! (Doormat)
    6. you revealed too much information!
    7. she wasn't emotionally available!

    That is a nice guy! and i can see why women don't want this type of man!
    I had to look within myself and see what it was That I was attracting and change it! so here's what I did!

    1. Developed Hobbies
    2. loved Myself
    3. straightforwardness and honesty with women
    4. set goals and follow threw with them!
    5. date multiple women and don't tell them who your dating this up's the competition to get her to commit!
    6. Fuck other women indiscriminately and don't return her calls! and continue to date multiple women!
    7. Don't call her! it makes you seem desperate!
    8. if she texts you don't reply G-SHIT!
    9. You got options! so if she act up do that pimp shit and let the hoe go! POP YA COLLAR!
    10. don't spend no money on them unless it's to go to dinner and send her ass home in a taxi!
    11. stop with the flowers! that's nice guy shit and only wimpy dudes buy a chick flowers!
    12. you lead the date! NOT HER! if your paying she goes wherever the fuck you go! if she wants to go her own way go dutch!
    13. Chivalry is DEAD!
    14. if she can't commit within a certain timeframe LET HER GO!

    That is a Good Guy!

    A good guy is also in college, ambitious, knows what he wants out of life, knows how to cook, can drive, and has traveled the world and seen different places as well!

    now do you see the difference? a good guy although not perfect! has all the qualities women look for in a man while the nice guy is simply NICE, a spineless man who seeks affirmation from FEMALES for BEING NICE!

    but you know what? BLACK WOMEN DON"T WANT THE GOOD GUY! he can have all these qualities and still won't be good enough for the black woman!

    you see black women don't know what they want because their looking for pieces of a man! they want one with money, they want one with good looks and one who can satisfy her physical and emotional needs.

    they can't decide what they want and so they end up with nothing!

    like the girl Régine from Living Single, your always chasing after the man who has it all but is never there for you and yet he's not enough!
    and then when you get decent guys there not enough!

    well the proof is in the pudding! so if you wonder why black women are not married then you can guess why!

    1. She puts her career before anything in this life!
    2. she doesn't want the man to be the leader in the relationship
    3. she doesn't understand what submissive means!
    4. shes always looking for some type of flaw so she can have a reason to breakup with the man!
    5. when she has the perfect man she finds ways to mess the relationship up!
    6. shes always bragging about how strong she is and how she doesn't need a man!
    7. she can't let go of her past
    8. she puts on too much weight and is proud of it!
    9. she becomes too aggressive and finds ways to nag and manipulate her man
    10. she uses sex as a way to control and punish her man when he doesn't do something right!

    and then when you turn thirty you wonder why certain men aren't looking your way anymore!

    and when your ready for marriage, the guy you once turned away is married to another woman who is another race because they don't want to put up with that type of drama anymore!

    so even when she has a good man, she can never be able to keep the man happy!
    And thats why blackmen are looking elsewhere!

    ask yourselves why is your grandmother married to the same man she loved for all those years?
    you know why?

    Because grandma and grandpa didn't have to go to the club to date! they weren't looking for what the man had in his pocket because they were from the same cotton fields of Alabama! if the man had holes in his shoes it didn't matter she loved him not for the things he had but for how much he loved her! it was his heart, not his money!

    so why is it their marriages are lasting over 60 years when only ours last about 2 to 10 years?

    if you can't figure that out then I feel sorry for you sisters because you are truly LOST!

    its sad that I have to level myself to this type of game playing just to keep the attention of a decent sister! and yet this doesn't even work!

    1. You lost me at the reason black women will be single forever. Women of all races make such decisions everyday, and there was noting particularly terribly that Sam did. You're clearly projecting, and I don't know about you, but I know a lot of black women in happy marriages.

      1. I think this dude just needed to vent and get all this stuff off his chest.
        Sounds like he been through a lot wit the wrong sista's and is tired of being tired.
        As for your #'s 6-14 list under your "good guy qualities" you may wanna rethink those. You were good til after # 5.
        Honestly dude there are all types of people with various personality traits. You just have to find the right one. Don't trip because part of the problem is probably that your choosing the wrong women for the wrong reasons. If your dating and trying to commit to and wife video ghetto chicks wit a video chick ghetto mentality then thats what your gonna get and deal with.

  56. Love this installment, Mr. Spradley! Unlike many commenters today I am not mad at Sam for dismissing the 'nice' guy or even how long it took her to get there-I'm actually shocked with the number of women dismissing the fact that she clearly was not in love with this man and advocating her to settle because he 'seems' nice-is that all we want? And men do you really want a woman who's not your number one fan? I think every woman and every man deserves someone in their life who is literally and figuratively excited to be with them and we shouldn't settle for less than that.

    1. Serendipity I'm not mad at Sam for not liking dude….but yeah I do feel like she played him cause of the length of time. That time he could've spent on another woman who might be his wife right now. A woman who reciprocated his feelings and who he could've been happy with. Sam wasted dudes time.

      1. I think she needs to stay single til she figures out what she truly wants and/or doesn't want. Think about stringing someone along like someone ordering a dish from your restaurant that you own and your a chef at. They eat a little over half the plate then complain about the food and say this sh** is nasty as hell and send it back and refuse to pay for it……we all know good and hell well we would be like wtf! How you gonna eat almost the whole damn plate of food and then complain and refuse to pay….you knew u didn't like it after 1 or 2 bites….Same principle…..most everyone has enough sense to know or have a pretty good idea of what they want and/or don't want……with regards to relationships there are some gray areas though….truth of the matter is most all of us, (including myself) are pretty shallow, self serving and greedy in some ways when it comes to what we want in the opposite sex and dating. This is human nature and as normal and natural as breathing….even though it's not right and most times won't get you the happiness you seek with the right person.

        1. If folks sought after and got with the people who gave them what they Needed and focused on their needs, instead of focusing after and chasing wants and/or trying to "have it all" and have all their wants and needs then they would be in much happier satisfying relationships.
          imo true happiness comes only when your wants and needs are one in the same.

  57. Really take a good long hard look at the commonalities with the chicks you've dated in the past…..then try dating total opposites….

    1. Bree, Niaja, and most I've tried dating older women! Older Black Women! and even they come with alot of shit! i've tried dating church girls, that didn't work! its too many of them that come with a damn chip on their shoulder that its hard to even get to know them. oh and the 6-14 list is a full proof plan to prevent heartbreak! I don't normally do that but that's how I've been forced to play the game that way! its called "keeping your options open"! I don't put all my eggs in one basket! and maybe you don't know but Im from Baltimore City! the dating game here is horrible! half the chicks I know are either on welfare or got a baby by a different man! and I don't mess with that ghetto trash! but when you've seen that shit your whole life you may understand why im making the generalized statement this way. its nothing but a competition with a black woman! yet she never competes for a man which I find very hard being that their is a low selection choice for black women when it comes to black males. every fat black chick that I ran into wants a list of the perfect man yet their big black ugly asses are 320lbs and sit on there asses all day and don't do shit! I tried dating those fat booger bears and even they ain't shit! I've gone as low as possible in dating black chicks.

      But there nothing but a waste of time and a waste of money, and a WASTE OF EMOTIONAL ENERGY!

      But just Understand Im from Baltimore City there are no quality women here, I've met strippers who wanted to go home with me and rust me thats the only I'll ever go to meet a woman!

        1. and what problems are those? it seems like your trying to defend all of the women when most of the problems that happen in the dating game are sometimes caused by the very women we want to date, and yet some of them are in their thirties and can't point to what type of man they want. you fail to realize that there are problems! instead you cosign with the women and act like there are no problems in the dating game, I don't date ghetto chicks anymore because they have a hidden agenda, but the educated ones are certainly no better either because then they have a set criteria of what type of man they want and that criteria they have is unrealistic! and I know men are the same way but me on the other hand is it too hard to ask for a woman 1.is just plain smart, and reads a book! 2. has hobbies outside of her just looking for a man 3. knows how to keep herself in shape? 4. isn't on this religious conquest to wait on god to find her a man? is that so hard to ask? I don't care about her damn looks homie, its just her attitude man! its funny your sitting here defending some of them and yet there the same ones who will tear down a black man for dating outside his race, and yet when he tries to date a sister the sister doesn't want him anymore and then these chicks get mad when a brotha wants to date out. and yet sisters will encourage each other to date a white man! so yeah I know black women aren't all the same! suburban black girls are dating white men and the urban chicks are either waiting for their man to get out of jail, or are dating the street corner nigga! and the professional black woman is waiting for a man who makes more money than her or drives a better car than she does. point is brother she will not date a man with potential, but she will date a man who has material items. that's not dating! that's called SHOPPING! and when women continue to shop, they will never be happy with the product they brought! they'll get buyers remorse and get rid of it! this is what happened with sam she felt the product was too ordinary so she got rid of it, she didn't know how a man should treat her so she let him go because he was too boring! black women don't want a good man because they don't know what a good man is by definition! and when they do get married most of them are neglecting their man, neglecting their children, and putting their careers before anything else. they don't understand the concept of marriage. and what ultimately happens? the man ends up cheating in the relationship because the woman is neglectful of being a good wife! they try so hard to compete with other people, yet they don't understand how to be a woman because they think submissive means weak! and so that Strong masculine mentality starts to kick in that's why most of them don't survive in a marriage because they don't know what is priority within a relationship. so to all those happy y married black couples that you happen to know Niaja and most I'd like to see how long their marriages last before it all crashes and burns like that car on waiting to exhale. I'd like to see how many black women will turn into savanna before they realize that they are the problem not US! and Mr.Most I'd like to see how long will you stand by their drama filled lives until you get the point? will it be until she gets full custody of your children and makes you pay child support for it? or will you wait until she divorces you in court and talks bad about you in front of your children to the point they don't respect you anymore? cause I can assure you that this is what will happen when you travel down that road, your not gonna see it now because you only see the surface! but when the doors are closed in the homes that's what goes down! both parties bump heads with each other! look at Marvin Gaye's relationship with Anna Gordy! both had drama, both bumped heads with each other! his whole divorce settlement was an album because Anna stuck him for all his money!

        2. LONG time lurker here!

          Antonio, you're either the most clairvoyant 21 year old ever to have posted here or the most ignorant. I'm still trying to make the decision in my mind.

          The substance part aside concerning your comment, you should try to be a lot less angry in your posts. Try being more speculative and thoughtful in your approach. Back up your points and ideas with actual examples that many readers know of (i.e., celebrity couples). Maybe throw in a bit of light-hearted humor and surely you would've had more positive responses to your comments.

          I think, besides your anger seething through your posts, you brought up some good points…and a few that I actually agree with you on. However, because of your delivery, most readers were turned off by what you posted.

          And do something about your grammar!

        3. Uh…I'm from Baltimore…and you need to chill on this slander.

          Most major cities have slim pickings…you'd be surprised.

          You want better? Be and do better. Your #4 alone means you need to be by yourself. Smh.

          You trippin.

        4. Yeah I'll do better I'll Leave Baltimore chicks alone! because all you women do is have babies out of wed-lock, live on child support checks, and always going around fighting other women out in the streets. this is what I've seen my whole life, ya'll chicks ain't worth a pot to piss in! YEA I CAN DO BETTER! because what professional black man would want to deal with a woman like that? Foul ass mouth, always cussing a man out, fat, too dark, and don't have no real hair! its always about what you want all the time, and if we don't have it you call us broke ass niggas! and if this sounds generalized then if you get offended then obviously Im talking about YOU! because if its so much of a problem then you wouldn't have stuck your nose in this damn post and said your from Baltimore! so obviously I hit a nerve with you! your so quick to say it's not all black women but when was the last time you called out one of your girlfriends on how they treat other men? before you comment have you looked at the trash in your back yard? maybe your mad at me because you can't take responsibilities for the destructive relationships you put yourself through. if this comment bothers you so much. then clearly your the one with the problem not me! and clearly you might be one of the hood rats im talking about.

          I'm not saying all black women I said BLACK AMERICAN WOMEN! Not African WOMEN or Caribbean Women because I can tell you when ever I say Hello to them they don't have a nasty attitude that comes with it!

          why don't you mind your business and go focus on your kids or something…. go put them to sleep. and stop sticking your nose in my posts.

          and for all ya'll simp ass niggas defending these filthy beasts, I feel sorry for you because that just shows how much your willing to give up for some pussy!

          its so many women in this world! why limit yourself to just a black chick any way?

          That's why black men are traveling abroad!

          and I would encourage the sisters to do the same too!

          go and find love abroad and stop with this Black Love=Black Power bullshit!

          Fellas its too many women in this world who would want to be with just a guy in general who treats them nice as opposed to a woman who has a steep criteria for a man!

          You don't have to deal with this!

          date a woman overseas!

          And let's see what bitter black chick comments on this one!

  58. I just read all three posts regarding Samantha, just now. I’m not sure where Sam is at this point in her life since this is recounting of past experiences, but these are all signs of dysfunction. Assessing that dysfunction would be a huge win for both Sam (and those like her) and the people they enter into relationships with. I hope nice guys didn’t read this and take it as yet another illegitimate reason to turn into a @$$hole. Sometimes people are lost and/or unaware. These same people can be very attractive, very likable, outwardly put together, the whole 9 yards, but mentally and emotionally can be stunted. And can oftentimes be unaware and unconscious of just what a mess they are. Self reflection is not always the norm. And sometimes we don’t have the answers but at least if we can flag an issue we can seek help. This help cannot always come from your girls and/or your guys. I’m a huge proponent of professional counseling and an active faith life. A lot of us are walking around broken and don’t realize it. We’re traumatized but since it’s not the kind of trauma featured on CSI SUV, we don’t’ recognize it as trauma. I want mental, emotional and physical wellness for us all. Please reflect on your life, confront the hard things and get help from a reliable source. And while this reads like a telanovela, it is suppose to be real life, we’ve been this girl, we have friends that show similar characteristics and it’s not entertaining. It’s unfortunate, but we can all be better and do better.

  59. I wanted to be done, but I also want to address how unsafe it is to take strange men (even short, seemingly nice men) back to your apartment. Her being passed out and without a clue of the evening’s goings-on was so ALARMING TO ME! Cause if you didn’t recognize that you didn’t have sex that’s bad. But what’s worse is if they had had sex it means she was unaware of whether a condom was used, she has no idea about this man’s sexual history, whether he had some genital warts or other visible signs of an STD (the invisible signs are just as pressing FYI). I can’t even with this. Maybe I’m too old to be on this site. Maybe I care too much about the safety and well-being of people and black women in particular to just read this and continue on with my day. Like this made me super crazy sad. I reject ALL of this as normal and acceptable behavior.

  60. Definitely not feeling Sam. She wasted dang near a year of this dude's like 'cause he was "too nice"? If I was him, I would've been PO'd. It's all good, people like Steve get the love they put out back eventually. People like Sam realize they threw something worthwhile away for the sake of "more fun to be had". I never was the type to get that point of view. Maybe I just have a different idea of "fun" that doesn't involve endless dating to men like those in the prior two stories.

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