Home Featured Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 5: All It Takes Is One

Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 5: All It Takes Is One

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This is a True Story

One of the most frustrating things about humanity is our inability to be who we’ve become without having been who we were. These are the kind of arbitrarily deep thoughts I find myself thinking these days. A year without sex will do that to a woman. Part of me can’t help but be annoyed at my new found psuedo-depth. It annoys me that I wasn’t born with the kind of clarity I have now. I’m annoyed at myself for having been so naïve, so trusting, so blinded by a desire for companionship that I’d neglected myself so thoroughly. It annoys me that I’m so cliché, that I had to “learn to love myself” before I’d ever be in a position to accept the relationship I was hoping for. I’d heard all the Mary J joints long before I moved to New York; back in Ohio I used to sing them at the top of my lungs as if I knew her pain. It annoyed me that after living here for four years, I really did know her pain. But, like I said, you can’t be who you are without having been who you were, and as annoyingly trite as that sounds, my life here had shown me that it’s absolutely true.

If you haven’t read the first 4 parts to the Single Sam Series where I follow a real life friend as she learns how to love, you might wanna go back and get caught up. Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 1: An Officer and a Gentleman, Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 2: The Proposition, Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 3: No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 4: The Butcher.

My annoyance is felt only in fleeting, momentary spurts however–and it pales in comparison to the appreciation I feel for how far I’ve come. I never thought I’d be the kind of woman who got so lost in her love life that I’d need to take a temporary vow of celibacy–I even remember telling an old college friend once that celibacy was for losers–but when you find yourself fucking a pimp, you probably need to take some time off to reevaluate some things. It’s not just about cutting out the sex, sex is important, but the bigger deal for me has been re-prioritizing my desire for male companionship. I spent so much time pining for the closeness, attention and intimacy that comes with being with someone that I’d not allowed myself to grow and fit into this new environment. That’s what I’ve done this past year.

I’ve spent a great deal of time focusing on my career and where I want that to go. Since coming here the career has been a bit of a struggle. For a long while I was unemployed or underemployed and searching for the dream job. When that didn’t come along, I took the best job I could find–my current job. And while my current job meets my immediate needs I know it’s not the place I see myself working long term. Strangely enough, it was my current boss, Dave, who helped me come to this realization.

I’d thought Dave was attractive when he interviewed me for my current position. I still remember how, during my interview, my attraction to him, and the desire to be impressive that attraction inspired, gave me the extra motivation I needed to knock the interview out the park. It was one of those interviews where you leave certain you’ll get the job offer. By the time we actually began working together I was completely enthralled in my dalliance with the butcher, so my attention shifted from Dave. This was a good thing, not because of how things worked out with the butcher, obviously, but because work place relationships are usually a bad idea. My attraction aside, I was able to focus on doing a good job and making a great impression those first few weeks here.

Then came the disaster that was the end of my relationship with Derrick. The morning he kept calling, I was nervous about how Dave would perceive the conversation we were having, as I knew he could hear every single word. After I’d hung up the phone that last time I stood up at my desk:

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“Dave?” I asked.

“Hey, what’s up Sam, everything kosher?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, not really, but I will be. I just want to apologize for that. I’m a little embarrassed.”

“I understand, but don’t be … you know I feel the same way whenever one of my babies mothers calls.” My eyes furrowed inquisitively. I’d never known he had kids.

“Sam, I’m kidding, I ain’t got no kids!”

“Oh … ha. You’re funny. I’m sorry I thought you were serious.”

“Nah, man. Long ways away from that.”

There was a pause, he smiled and looked back at his computer screen, I took that as my cue to sit back down before it got awkward.

I stood back up.

“Dave, you said if I ever needed any advice or anything I could ask right?”

“Yeah Sam, not a problem,” he said, still typing.

“You think we could grab lunch today? I’ve got a situation I could use a man’s perspective on.”

He stopped typing and looked up at me with a new found seriousness that was gone before I really noticed it.

“Oh Yeah, not a problem … that works. Sounds good.”

“Great, thanks.”

That day, before I met up with Derrick after work, Dave and I went to lunch and I explained to him the situation, in its entirety. I hadn’t planned on giving him all of the details, but he was so understanding, and so non-judgmental about it all that once I started talking, I couldn’t stop. I told him everything that had happened with Derrick up to that point. His suggestion was that I not jump to conclusions about the money, that it could be from anything and that I should give Derrick the opportunity to explain himself. The next day at work, Dave asked how things had gone and I was too embarrassed then to tell him Derrick’s truth. Instead, I just told him that I was right about him and that we wouldn’t be seeing each other again.

By that point, I’d decided I was through with men, for a while at least. At the time, I hadn’t really set any parameters or goals around my little hiatus, I’d just gotten to the point where I was so thoroughly disgusted with the entire male species and their propensity for aint-shit-ness that I just checked out completely. I couldn’t even bring myself to be attracted to Dave–despite how nice he’d been. He was always there. We’d take lunch together at least once a week and the bulk of our conversations were about work and career goals. It was during that time that I realized how far away from my dreams I’d strayed. It was through those conversations with Dave, seeing his ambition and the tunnel vision he had about who he wanted to be, that I began to remember why I’d moved to New York City. It was like reacquainting myself with myself. I shared with him dreams I hadn’t mentioned since being here.

I was surprised to find that he was only a year or so older than me. He’d always carried himself with the kind of stoic, business first kind of attitude I expected from someone much older. Gradually he began to open up and share more about who he was and what he’d come from. He was a first generation American, the son of strict West-Indian parents who’d instilled in him a work-ethic stronger than any they’d ever adhered to. He had three full siblings and was unsure of how many half siblings–his father being a bit of a rolling stone. He’d been in a few relationships, a couple semi-serious, but none serious enough to cause any real damage when they ended up not working out. Beyond the nice-ness, he had a bit of an asshole-ish quality that I enjoyed and that kept me on my toes. He didn’t let me slide on any of my poor decisions, but he never judged.

But more than enjoying getting to know each other’s history and who we are, more than getting to know our future plans or goals, the best part of my relationship with Dave during my year of celibacy was the complete lack of ulterior motive for either of us. He was so focused on success and I was so over men that we were actually able to build a friendship, one that I valued immensely. It never occurred to me that he might be a worthwhile love interest. And it never occurred to me that I might, for him, be a potential mate. It seemed, for a long while, that we both just had too much going on to ever really be interested in each other–not to mention the fact that he was my boss.

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But all that changed a few weeks ago. It was Super Bowl Sunday and I was leaving Dave’s house. He’d hosted a party (he’s a huge Giants fan) but I’d left at halftime. I’d taken the Monday off but wanted to get home early to get some rest and prepare for the second round of interviews at what seemed to be the best job opportunity I’d come across since moving to the city. Dave had been coaching me and helping me prepare since I’d first shown him the job spec three weeks prior.

I walked into my apartment, kicked off my shoes and plopped my purse down on the coach. As soon as I sat my phone buzzed. A text message:

Dave:

Hey, just making sure you got in safe. Really glad you came, wish you could have stayed longer… Don’t forget, lunch tomorrow after the interview. I wanna hear all about it.

Me:

Awww, yeah, just sitting on the couch. Thanks for checking in and thanks for inviting me. Had a great time, you’re friends are all really cool! Please tell them all I’m sorry I had to go. See you tomorrow after the interview. Rosa Mexicana 3:00pm! Go Giants!

Dave:

Will do. And I’ll pass the message … and yeah, they all liked you too.

I began to type, but before I could get the next message out, another one came in.

Dave:

And so do I …

I sat staring at the phone, trying desperately to extract every bit of romanticism from the essence of my being so that I might read this text as platonically as I was sure he’d probably meant it. But I could not. Though over the past year I’d worked extremely hard and been very successful in changing my attitude and properly prioritizing my desire for men, and though I’d turned down at least a half dozen quality offers during that time, something about that text touched my soul. I couldn’t stop staring and I knew I needed to respond.

Me:

So do you?

Dave:

Yeah Sam. I really like you.

Me:

Like me? Like … how?

I sent it too fast. I slapped myself in the forehead for being so thirsty. I read my last two texts over and over, and cringed more and more realizing that I’ve completely lost my cool. I thought about all the lessons I’d learned these past four years. I thought about all the ways the universe had told me no. Had I not learned anything over this past year? Should all those lessons go out the window? I thought about all the reasons why he wouldn’t and shouldn’t be interested. At this point, he knew everything about me, from my poor choices in men, to my perpetual naivete, to my stumbling career. I even thought about all the times he’d had to correct silly mistakes I’d made at work. I started to type again, trying to figure out something I could say to deflect attention away from how clearly eager I must have seemed.

But then I stopped. I stopped myself dead in my tracks. Suddenly everything became clear. The lessons learned in all the relationships I’d been in were clear, the lessons learned through my year of celibacy became clear, and what I wanted became clear. I am who I am. I’m not heartless, I’m not emotionless. I’m not someone who doesn’t want to love or be loved. There, sitting on the couch, staring at a few text messages, the obviousness of my greatest failure became so clear I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.  I want to be loved. It’s that simple. I’d been fighting against this truth my entire time here. I’d been trying to convince myself that I wanted less, or more, or something different when the truth is and was, I wanted to be loved. It’s only through accepting that desire without shame, and believing that I deserve it and am worthy of it that I’ll ever truly get the chance to experience it. Might it be Dave? Who knows. But I wouldn’t mind if it were, and I don’t care if he knows. If it’s not Dave, I’m fine with that to. I know it’s what I want, and knowing that it’s what I want makes it a lot easier to wait for it.

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I flipped on the TV to see confetti falling as Eli Manning and Justin Tuck raised the Lombardi trophy. The Giants had won and I was crying. I don’t know why I was crying. I’m not necessarily a Giants fan, but there was something so special about seeing someone reach a goal they’d set their mind to and fought tirelessly toward. The couch vibrated as my phone buzzed next to me. Another text was coming in, but I didn’t need to look. I instead just sat for awhile, enjoying my moment.

The next day, stepping out of the company’s headquarters into the heart of midtown, I loosened another button on the white dress shirt that sat beneath the gray blazer I’d recently bought. The interview couldn’t have gone better and I was trying to contain my excitement. They say if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere, but what they don’t say is that this is a city filled with “nos.” The first answer to every question asked in New York is always “no.”

“Can I swap the American for feta?”

“No.”

“Does this come in extra-small?”

“No”

“Is that position still open?”

“No”

“Can you just be an honest, upfront, nice guy who’s at least a little handsome, not too corny, taller than 5’5”, and doesn’t have any kids?

“No.”

“Do ladies get in free?”

“No.”

You get used to being told “no” in New York. It’s a part of life. But the other thing about New York–the thing all us outsiders and transplants have to learn on our own– is that the first answer is never the final answer; and the difference between those who make it here and those who get gobbled up by this city’s unforgiving concrete is not talent, or luck or even who you know. It’s faith. People who make it here believe in themselves and who they are–with every fiber of their being. We believe that all it takes is one “yes” and that our “yes” is always just beyond yesterday’s “no” rising with tomorrow’s sun.

I looked down at last night’s last text from Dave:

Like … more than a friend Sam. Good luck tomorrow.

I pushed through the doors of Rosa Mexicana, and could see him, already seated, waiting for me.

All it takes is one I thought to myself. All it takes is one.

 

Annnnd that’s it. As you can tell by the Super Bowl reference, we’ve come to the end of Sam’s journey thus far. I’d love to write more but she’s gotta live a little bit more first. But what are your thoughts thus far? Where do you see things going with her boss? Should she avoid the relationship because of their work relationship or just go for it? And what of celibacy? Have any of you decided to not only abstain from sex, but also abstain from the opposite sex altogether for a time? Did it provide any clarity you might not have gained otherwise? Is celibacy for losers as Sam once said? Fire away.

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Comment(98)

  1. Aww, I really like this Episode! She is so right about having faith in your career goals and faith in wanting a good relationship!

  2. I feel like I am Sam lmaooo. I grew up in NYC and then went to college in a small town and made a life up there for awhile. Now I'm back in NYC and the guys and circumstance is so different! I've made a lot of naive and stupid choices, and I'm now on month 6 of celibacy, and am focusing solely on my career and becoming a better me. I want love, but I'm putting loving and relearning myself of above all else. If love comes I'll be open to it, but I'm gonna be much smarter next time as well. GL Sam!

  3. Aww, go Sam! Good luck with bossman Dave. Hopefully, he'll measure up to the Butcher's being the best sex of her life whenever she ends her period of celibacy.

    IMHO, celibacy is a terrible, horrible, entirely undesirable thing… I say that because I'm going through a period of extended abstinence at this time and it is not fun at all. It is, however, an effective means to force yourself to rethink choices/wants/needs and all that.

  4. What that’s it?? But I wanted more! Sam seems so upbeat this story hits home for me with all the “no” I’ve been hearing lately it’s nice to see a different perspective on things. I wish Sam the best, every woman deserves a man that she wants!

      1. I'm certain there's enough of us to volunteer random crazy-ass stories to be turned into lyrical bouqets by Most. I had this one experience with an ex-fiancee and a bounty hunter that…

        **crickets****

        Oh, no one else has any crazy stories?? **runs in shame***

        1. lol @ Amaris….I got plenty crazy stories Amaris and I think many others do….just probably wanna keep em on the dL…lol

        2. Let's just say I they weren't putting out 'ride-or-die' models when I came out the factory. I will break my finger off pointing it at you if you decide to pull some ish, I like my freedom thank you mutch!
          Looooong story.

        3. AwwwawwwwwAWWWWWWW!

          Did you catch that, Most!? She called your stories "lyrical bouquets"… LOL!

        4. yeah … i definitely caught that. I tried to ignore it though, my ego is already big enough.

          But I do appreciate it … genuinely.

        1. I'd love to do a series like this that followed a man. But I'd only do it if homey were a real G… which presents a huge quagmire being that… you know… real G's move in silence and what not…

        2. Honestly, I'd mutch more prefer a story about a perpetual "nice guy" and how he figured out the balance between Doormat~Nice ~Swaggerific~Asshole. SOMEbody has to have done it!!

        3. lol oh the excuses! but I"m with Amaris on this one I wouldnt mind reading about a great guy who ends up with all worst girls….just sayin

  5. Go Sam … see what happens when you truly step back and analyze your situation. I am happy that she could recognize her failures and truly learn and grow from them. You can’t have anything worth having in life until you’re ready for it (jobs, relationships) etc… The preparation process /stages are usually hard, discouraging, and confusing, but everything works out in the end. One thing that she did with Derrick that didn’t really do with the other guys is truly connect on a friendship level.

  6. Yess I was right about my prediction last week! I'm really happy for Sam and for some strange reason, I feel like I can relate. I haven't been through half the relationship drama she has but it takes some time being down and out and trying to find what your way before you can be in a place to accept someone into your life.

    I hope the new job opportunity comes through for her and that she can then pursue something with the (former) boss. Sometimes you have to stop doing the same things if you want different results, so if that means celibacy (self-imposed or forced) than its a necessary.

    "To love and be loved is to feel the sun on both sides." Great series Most, there were a lot of life lessons and reflections for those who stopped judging and really understood where Sam was/is coming from.

  7. Very well written I like the episode even if I didn't start it. Love really takes it all and we cannot change it. Hope I can follow more from this lovely series. Thanks for sharing some feedbacks about it. More things to read here soon.
    My recent post toenail Fungus Treatment

  8. Wow, I have loved this series. So well written! I am addicted. So sad to see it end. This is superb writing Most.

    I do hope it works out with Dave he seems to really like her and I don't know if the whole boss thing will necessarily have a bad effect on their budding romance but conventional wisdom says it might. But is he not going to be her former boss?

    I agree with @rhenewal, celibacy (at least for me) does force you to have some perspective on things.

  9. Celibacy is definitely not for losers. One can decide to go celibate for different reasons. I am currently celibate from sex for mental and physical clarity. Sex is like a drug, it clouds the mind (and heart; lust) and we become slaves to it! Good luck to Sam. Hopefully Dave doesn't have any skeletons in his closet, if only a few.

    (I said I wasn't going to read the following write up from last week's ep, I couldn't help myself lol)

  10. Not sure why so many think celibacy is for a loosers. My best friend has that same mindset as Sam. She picks at my current man sabbatical (while she continues to date loser after loser). I think you need some time to analyze your love life and you can't do that with the johnson or vajayjay all in your face. I am happy for Sam! Hopefully she gets a new job so he won't be her boss. Office relationships are just no bueno.
    One final note: I loved, loved, loved this series. This was storytelling at its finest.

  11. With the exception of the officer, Sam hasn't really been that naïve throughout this series, and even that can be attributed just to being young and getting adjusted to dating life in the big city. Can't really say she made one major misstep. It's not her fault that the charismatic guy turned out to be a butcher pimp (TM – Larry, and I'm stealing that).

    I think a lot of people need to learn that just because you had some bad experiences, or because a relationship didn't work out, it doesn't mean you failed at anything. You may end up with some a$$holes/b!tches, date some people and end up being friends after the breakup, date some people and can't stand the sight of them after the breakup, and have your heart broken several times, before you get to The One.

    "I flipped on the TV to see confetti falling as Eli Manning and Justin Tuck raised the Lombardi trophy."

    Now see, this was a good read until this part. #wasteofaperfectlygood15-1season

    1. " It's not her fault that the charismatic guy turned out to be a butcher pimp (TM – Larry, and I'm stealing that). "

      Have at it my friend, lol!

  12. noooo! ok i'm just selfish, i so enjoyed sam's writing i'm sadden to see the series come to an end.

    i hope sam is able to get the new job so the fact that dave is her boss will no longer be an issue in what i hope to be a successful relationship for her / them.

    celibacy is for losers! loser being defined as one who does not understand how the most intimate and emotional act humans partake in can skew one's judgement and decision making. they lose out on some of the most clear thinking they will have in their adult life b/c they believe life will end without sex. celibacy, imo, is for the mature secure individual who knows sex can make you think the sky is grey on a sunny day or sunny on a grey day; skewed thinking. celibacy allows a person to see reality. i know this is not what you meant when you said loser but this is what came to mind when i read the question.

    again good luck to sam and i look forward to an update maybe over the summer…

  13. Sam should stick with the celibacy. As long at the job she interviewed for was in line with the vision she has with her life and career direction she should take it. Sometimes as woman we subconsiously set ourselves up for things. At the rate she's going I wouldn't be surprised if she was just looking for another job so she could eliminate the "Workspace love" thing. As long as she can stay fovused on her then she can actually try to allow a wee bit more of Dave in her life, but now that she has already been given the "I LIKE YOU" chat….she may wanna keep distance at a 10 foot pole distance. I would definitely caution her to "Keep her eyes on the prize". Dave waited this long to make a move for a reason. He may be a guy who is a "Drive Seeker" and they drop you quick when you lose focus.

  14. "One of the most frustrating things about humanity is our inability to be who we’ve become without having been who we were." I had to take a moment before I could even read the rest. Maybe it's because of where I am in life now, but this is actually profound. I'm happy for Sam, not really because of what could possibly happen with Dave, but because she is taking control of her life. She's exercising control and pushing forward with her goals. Most liberating thing ever, especially in a city like New York.

    As for celibacy, I'm all for it. I was celibate for 3 years, for different reasons than Sam, but it was the best decision I've ever made in my chex life. Really gave me time to think about my self-worth and what I was willing and not willing to put up with, which can be difficult in 2012.

  15. "………but when you find yourself fucking a pimp, you probably need to take some time off to reevaluate some things."

    Ah, the beauty of hindsight……

    Seriously though, great series! I really enjoyed Sam's story, and applaud her being brave enough to open herself up to the scrutiny of the comments section and share it with us. Brava!

  16. I have to admit, I didn't think I would like this series as much as I have. I liked the writing style, it was to the point and REAL, none of that sexinthecity-ness that we see so much of when we read about the lives of women. Great job, I enjoyed it a lot.

  17. Where do you see things going with her boss? Should she avoid the relationship because of their work relationship or just go for it? And what of celibacy? Have any of you decided to not only abstain from sex, but also abstain from the opposite sex altogether for a time? Did it provide any clarity you might not have gained otherwise? Is celibacy for losers as Sam once said? Fire away.
    I have no idea what will happen with Sam's boss….thats all relative..anything could happen with that. I think if Sam feels she can handle it if the relationship doesn't work out and feels her boss is mature enough to handle it well and she has this other job on the horizon then she should go ahead and date him. But she should take her time and they should always be communicating openly and honestly with ne another. If she doesn't feel it's in her best interest she should let him know that and remain strictly friends with him if thats possible.

  18. As far as celibacy I think it's a great thing and I've done it several times when my focus was on other more impnt life issues besides sex and men. I think it's good to take a step back sometimes from dating especially if your goin through major stuff in your life that require your full undivided attention and comitment like your children, a career, a sick parent or grandparent and things like that. I can only speak for myself saying celibacy has worked well for me when I've done it. As far as clarity I don't know about that regarding relationships. I've always had that with or without sex. It just helped me stay focused on things I needed to so I could get my life in order and get where I wanted to be. Celibacy is not for losers at all…folks need to practice it more, not to mention the stress off your back not having to worry about std's bladder infections, urinary tract infections, and unwanted pregnancies. Celibacy imo is never a bad thing.

  19. This whole series was a great read. I think Sam's acceptance of what she is looking for is noble. Its funny the way love is veiwed. While most would agree that its a beautiful thing there is usally the stigma that wanting it some how makes you thristy. Bravo to Sam for admitting and coming to gripes with what she really wants from life, love, and relationships.
    My recent post I’m Baaaack!!

  20. I have to admit that I had to read this post in parts. I got to the part where she brought Dave, the boss man who flirts with her, into her personal life. I lifted my hands like really Sam? Really? After everything with the cop? and the butcher-pimp? You again reveal all of your weaknesses upfront? At least with the last guys there was no intermingling of work and personal life. I wanted to hand her the number to EAP… then I kept reading.

    At the end there was that sigh of satisfaction that always comes when romance goes right. And for that I'm glad. I like it when life works out for people. It's encouraging.

    My recent post 24 Hours Ago

  21. Awwww…I love it! Fist pumping for Sam and for building a friendship foundation first! In this thing called life and dating, sometimes you gotta kiss some frogs, but I'm glad she got some clarity and realized you don't have to kiss alllll the frogs. Nothing wrong with wanting to be loved…hope she gets that and much more!
    My recent post We Who Believe in Freedom Friday

  22. Great series, Sprads.

    Seeing that she is originally from my home state of Ohio (assuming that part was accurate and not changed to protect the innocent) I am most definitely rooting for her now! (And I'm sure she is rooting for those young Buckeyes this Saturday at the Final Four!)

    At any rate, I echo the theme of today's post of "It only takes one". Usually when my friend girls are talking about their men problems and dating issues to me the last bit of perspective/encouragment I give is by saying, "Listen, at the end of the day it only takes one…One person to make your relationship goals come true…you only need to be right one time….that's it."

  23. The only thing that would've made this better is if she could've "pushed through the doors of Rosa Mexicana" in slow motion…and exhaled, LOL! Awesome, AWESOME finale!

    But what are your thoughts thus far? – Go for it with Dave, boo.
    Where do you see things going with her boss? – I see them beginning to date…possibly becoming official after some time.
    Should she avoid the relationship because of their work relationship or just go for it? – Nope. If things go well, she won't be working there much longer anyway. For as long as they keep the rela separate from the office, they should be good.
    Have any of you decided to not only abstain from sex, but also abstain from the opposite sex altogether for a time? Did it provide any clarity you might not have gained otherwise? Is celibacy for losers as Sam once said? – I have and it did. It gives you an opportunity to look closely at the one common link in all your failed relationships…YOU. Celibacy isn't for losers at all. Its for people who desire to clear their vision…declutter their emotions…and start fresh with a fresh approach to love and dating.

  24. Glad that Sammie girl turned it around.

    "I’d just gotten to the point where I was so thoroughly disgusted with the entire male species and their propensity for aint-shit-ness that I just checked out completely." – I think she found a nice guy and let him go. So why call everyone trash?

    I say date the bol Dave, he already knows your secrets. I dont see too much bad happening from here. Especially if you get the new gig.

  25. Aww, I'm happy for Sam! She's finding out who she is and who she wants to be and I've loved her journey so far. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I'd love to see everything work out with her boss. The whole "happily ever after with the person who's been right under your nose the whole time" is a favorite romantic comedy ending of mine. This series was awesome – I can't even put into words how great this writing was, Most.
    My recent post Bad Luck Blues

    1. " I slapped myself in the forehead for being so thirsty." I laughed out loud at that because that is me all day! I can't play the game, where I take my time and not text you right back. When I like someone, I'm pretty transparent and I'd have been too geeked – all cool lost.
      As far as the celibacy goes, sometimes I think it's just necessary. I think I might be coming up on, ehh.. 18+ months, give or take. (yeesh) For me, sex and feelings are one in the same. I can't separate the two, so I don't have sex just for the sake of having it. It definitely can cloud your judgment if you let it, and make you overlook some red flags in a budding relationship. It's not for losers, lol – if the celibacy is self-imposed.
      My recent post Bad Luck Blues

      1. "I can't play the game, where I take my time and not text you right back. When I like someone, I'm pretty transparent and I'd have been too geeked – all cool lost."

        Yep. Same here.

  26. *raises hand and admits he's a hater*

    She just settled down with homeboy like two months ago, we need to wait this out to see what happens.

    1) Never dip your pen in the company ink.
    2) She doesn't really know him. She already alluded that much of what she thought about him was false.

    3) Dude could see that it's probably easy to get with Sam and then ditch her. She's already told him about her past.

    I wish her well, but still after only two months, i'm not sure i'm ready to admit this was a happy ending.

    PS – Women ask too many questions when a man says they're interested. Way too many questions.

    1. I thought they were friends for a year….eatting lunch at least once a week over that time??? Maybe I read something wrong… *goes to review*

      1. "I thought they were friends for a year….eatting lunch at least once a week over that time???"

        She also was speaking and having romantic walks with the butcher pimp for a long period of time before discovering his butcherpimpery.

        She has the right approach. She's getting to know her boss. But you gotta just let things happen on its own time, no matter how badly you want things to happen right now. Dr. J is right. It may be the beginning of something special. She just doesn't know yet.

        1. I feel you, Butcher Pimp, LMBO!

          That was only in response to the "two months" part. From what I read, its been 12 mos of actual friendship. In my 'official' comment (lol), I posted that they should begin to actually date…then see about a relationship from there. Good friends don't always equal good lovers…speaking from experience, lol…

        2. She's been dating him for two months, but known him for over a year. Thing is, i've worked with some people for 3-4 years and they think they know me. They don't really know me though. And these are people I spend 50-60 hours a week with.

        3. Is the dating for two months part in the story or are you chatting with Most on the side, lol…cause I missed that part completely…

          Feelin short yellow bus slow right about now…lol

    2. 1) But what if she gets the new job she interviewed for?
      2)She didnt really know about Lance before she took him home for a one nighter that didn't happened, and they hit it off for months after that. She broke up with him an he was "the good one". She also thought she knew the butcher after all those long walks and he turned out to be a pimp. It's a crap shoot.
      3)I agree.

      1. LOL…don't slander Steve like that!!! Lance was the creepy old guy…offering her money for boo-tay (I think, lol). But I'm certain Steve's the good guy!

        3) I kinda feel ya…but he could've been down that alley and back by now if that was all he wanted. *shrugs*

        AND LOL @ Dr. J's PS…just noticed that. We just trying to be clear since y'all like to be ambiguous, lol…

    3. Well I don't think anyone is talmbout sending out save the date magnets – but Sam has come a long way from meeting random nigs off the street. Thus far she knows where dude works (and I mean if he has a side job let's hope he's fighting crime and not pimping), she's been to his home on a "platonic" level and she's met actual people he knows who can vouch for him – in a kid tested, mother approved – kinda way. She's seemingly on good footing with a guy she had genuine attraction to…so in the words of Bravo – watch what happens!
      My recent post We Who Believe in Freedom Friday

    4. 1. Agreed. If things don't work out would she be okay with seeing him everyday at work? If things go bad it's going to interfere with her focus and productively at work. Also he's the supervisor so she can't avoid him at work.

      2. Agreed. Don't confuse the "workplace" personality with the person's "real life" personality. Sam doesn't know Dave.

      3. Agreed. I've seen this happen actually. Girl lays all of her romantic adventures out thinking the guy she thinks she is talking too is a friend and wants to get advice of said friend – when actually the guy is thinking how can he use that information against her to get something from her too. That's IF Dave doesn't already know about Sam's adventures.

      Of course there is a chance it could be all unicorns and glitter for Ms. Sam, can only hope for the best.

  27. whats too many questions Doc J??????? And why is asking questions a bad thing? How the hell else are you gonna find out what you need to know???????

    1. Wasn't going to answer this… but women have a bad habit of asking a bunch of questions before they'll even open their mouth to say how they feel. It's almost their way of trying to make sure they fully know the guy's intentions or feelings before they'll even tell him, "Yes I like you too." It's annoying, causes a lot of guys to be like, "Why are we having a full conversation about the way I feel before you have even told me if you're interested or not?"

      Henceforth, why I don't do it.

      1. Ah. This is a good point. It's all because it's so easy to misunderstand what someone says and who wants to jump out there with their feelings just to have "oh, I didn't mean it like _that_" thrown back at them? Courage is required. So few have it.
        My recent post 1 Month Later

      2. Doc J many women (present one included) have damn good reason to get some "insurance" if you will before laying all their cards out on the table. In fact, other guys have told me that when a woman reveals too much if his intentions aren't honorable he can use what she says against her to get the punani quicker and faster. So typically it behooves a woman to find out everything she feels she needs to know right from the door so she has an idea of the type of man she is dealing with…..there are a lotta wolves in sheeps clothing…..and especially since many of us go for the good-looking, sexy, charming guys this is a must for us ladies.

  28. "One of the most frustrating things about humanity is our inability to be who we’ve become without having been who we were. "

    Talk about mothereffing poignancy. SAY that. Mistakes we make aren't necessarily mistakes because they shouldn't have happened… because they should've… no learning is more potent than experience. And and all of it.

    Loved the twists with introducing Dave! I liked the way you introduced him at first as just one of the "chorus" but then he became someone more important. Liked how you worked that, Most.

    And yessssssssssssss to this —>

    "We believe that all it takes is one “yes” and that our “yes” is always just beyond yesterday’s “no” rising with tomorrow’s sun."

    And Bingo was his name-o.

  29. She's not going to have to worry about working and loving in the same spot because she's moving up and out. If not from this interview, soon enough. I say go for it. It's not like she has to screw him right now.

    This line: "I spent so much time pining for the closeness, attention and intimacy that comes with being with someone that I’d not allowed myself to grow and fit into this new environment." is crucial. For emotional beings, intimacy is life giving… so for some, there's a fine between pining and yearning. Singleness is not something I want to become accustomed to. I hope it stays uncomfortable- like the wrong job.

    Celibacy is soooo not my thing.

    Yet, here I am, so it is what it is…

    But I hope I never find myself in this situation… in life… ever… ever again, lol.
    My recent post 1 Month Later

  30. I have a question.

    This is for all the women who put themselves on self-imposed celibacy kicks….the extended versions 12months-3yrs and then some.

    How do y'all do it? I mean, during that time, NO ONE attractive, about their business who seems like they have a good head on their shoulders approaches you and possibly peaks your interest to at least get to know (not sexually of course)?

    How many times must one be done wrong before they stop doing others and start doing them? Or how hard?

    This is an honest question, non judgmental. I'm thinking, maybe I didnt love/care hard enough in my past relationships to allow a person to still affect my love/sex/dating life once they're gone. I just keep it moving.

    1. I have a friend that does it as a policy after hitting a certain period of months 'in between'. She isn't the marrying type, but she has no interest in being a garden tool either, so if she happens to go 3 months w/o a 'friend', she'll just automatically extend it to 6. If it hits 6, she'll automatically extend it to a year. If guys ask, she says, no. No reason, no excuse, just 'NO. Don't wanna. Thanks.'

      And you know what? They will ALWAYS wait for her. It's BAFFLING!!!!

    2. People "keep it moving" in different ways. I'm not bitter or disillusioned by anything I've experienced; I just haven't found that living otherwise is worth it. I can say without a doubt that I've had far fewer headaches since keeping to the sidelines, however. Plus, it's in line with the faith to which claim adherence.

      I'm not particularly picky, but no; no one "attractive, about their business who seems like they have a good head on their shoulders" and who shares my values in terms of relationships and other aspects of life has come my way in awhile. My interest has been piqued on a few occasions, but they didn't last and I wasn't overly tempted. I chose to focus on other things until someone who embodies what I want comes along.

  31. Never done the celibacy thing. I did the opposite. Being a good girl from the South living in NYC, after my abysmal breakup, I did the opposite and thought I should try to be like the many ladies in NYC pretending they live "Sex and the City". I was trying to be into the casual thing.

    I'm just not that girl, though. Instead of one night stands, I ended up with three "steadies" (they came and went, but were there the whole period of my rumspringa. There were a couple mistakes that I thought had promise but REALLY didn't, but the steadies were the main thing and ALL of those dudes still hit me up from time to time, supposedly to "catch up".

    When one of the steadies broke it off to pursue "something real" with a chick who didn't even live in NYC, that cemented the decision to give up the "casual" stuff I'd been waffling with for months. None of the steadies "chose" me. They just were stringing me along, giving me just enough to keep putting my all into it (after all, that's all I knew how to do, even in a casual setting). They weren't there when I was sick, when something was going on at work. They never once came to see me perform. So I cut them all off.

    And yeah, they all tried to weasel back in (even the dude trying "something real" with the long distance girl tried to "get me back"), but I made a choice like Sam's and said it was all or nothing. And now I'm in a healthy situation, totally living the dream and very aware that it wouldn't have been possible without cutting all that nonsense loose. 🙂

    1. Katt – always appreciate your comments. Not sure I've ever said – just wanna throw that out there. Thanks for reading, internalizing (to a degree) and always sharing. Also, best of luck with the music – checked out some of your stuff and really enjoyed!

      1. Wow! Thanks so much! Yeah, I've been reading SBM for maybe…a year now? You're one of my faves. Seem to have a reasonable point of view. Great writing. And my NY stories are straight-up entertainment for my mom and close friends. I guess if names were changed, LOL!

  32. Wow! I just read this and the last three plus comments for each post. I'm rooting for Sam to figure out the right way to size a man up (not that I know).

    Good stuff Mr Spradley!

  33. I hope she gave him a chance. She’s right. All it takes is one to cancel out all of the losers and restore your faith. Good luck Sam.

  34. Good for Sam! She figured out what she wanted & isn’t ashamed of knowing or admitting it. Experiences are there for a reason. I hope in the end it all works out for her.
    I was celibate for 3yrs in my late 20s. That experience helped me focus on me & what I really wanted with men. Now, though I still wanna get down as much as possible, I am much more controlled & hesitant about things. Not every man is worth wanting, not every man thinks I’m worth wanting, & sometimes personalities let me know that I’d rather just have a V8.
    Being celibate did nothing for me deciding whether or not I ever want to be in a full time relationship, though. I don’t know how that decision will be made.

  35. "sometimes personalities let me know that I'd rather just have a V8." This right here Missmeandi is classic……yeeeeesssss.

  36. Good for Sam!

    Always remembered this being said once and thought about Sam's story: "Don't pray for god to put someone in your life. . . Pray to be READY for when he does". . . I think Sam is ready. . . . . .Cant wait for the next series. . .

  37. Great series! I know a lot of folks can relate to that mantra of just wanting to be loved. Mr/Mrs. Right is out there somewhere…

  38. I’ve got $20 that says this goes wrong in less than six months.

    Any takers?

      1. Word. Like, this is a real person. You're offering a bet that a real person fails in her real life. Who does that. I'm glad you got zero responses on this.

        1. Call it…playful cynicism. I hope it works out for her, I do. The previous four stories don’t inspire a lot of confidence. But hey, what do I know? Maybe her experiences have helped her grow and make better decisions.

  39. So, Sam gets a text message from Dave saying he likes her and now Sam is all in love? Someone please throw Sam a life jacket before she drowns in the sea of her emotions – yet again. If she pursues a relationship or has relations with Dave and things take a wrong turn, how will she deal with seeing him everyday at work? I hope she thinks before she leaps this time.

    Also, I thought the man with the son (Steve) could have been a good match. In the narration of the story (from a few weeks ago), Sam stated that she couldn't see herself as a step mom, but she forgets that no one asked her for her hand in marriage. It seems she was getting ahead of herself.

    Sometimes I think some women get so wrapped up in the future and the potential of a relationship that they forget to just enjoy the moment.

    All that to say that I enjoyed reading the episodes! I can understand (relate) to some of the adventures in romance that Sam experienced. Fortunately, it didn't take long to learn from my mishaps.

    1. “Sometimes I think some women get so wrapped up in the future and the potential of a relationship that they forget to just enjoy the moment.”

      There’s truth in this. The problem comes when we men drag our feet about the next step. (Not pandering.) After a while, the future needs to become a consideration.

  40. I'm not comfortable with the idea of pursuing a relationship with my boss, but I could see myself making an exception if I believed that we were both professional enough to pull it off. However, I'd rather avoid it altogether. A lot of workplaces have rules against that, as it can clearly result in a conflict of interest. All the same, I wish Sam the best.

    Yes, I decided to take a break from the opposite sex, and it helped restore a bit of my sanity (which I highly value). I wouldn't say that I gained any clarity from it, though. And no, neither celibacy nor virginity is for losers. I sometimes wonder about people who harbour such a mentality.

    PS: CO, you're not crazy. The story ended at the day after the fateful text, so there was no mention of the fact that they have been dating for two months. There was only some indication that things changed "a few weeks ago," and that they are currently bubbling between the two.

  41. Interesting ending! Hopefully she lets it naturally progress into something vs. jumping head 1st just because Bossman showing a deeper level of attraction

    I've done the celibacy thing and not being s*xually involved w/ anyone for almost a yr, allowed me to spend some time pursuing my career and doing things that in no way relate to having a partner or meeting someone else's agenda. Now being in a relationship, I know precisely why I'm w/ her and what I expect out of her. Celibacy isn't for everybody, but if you find yourself in a revolving door of bad decisions, maybe you just need a break from people
    My recent post War or Peace, the choice is yours

  42. Haven't followed the series, but I hope Sam really gets this, "I know it’s what I want, and knowing that it’s what I want makes it a lot easier to wait for it.", because it's EVERYTHING!!!

    Celibacy is not for losers, hell only the strong can survive it! LOL

  43. &lt;div class="idc-message" id="idc-comment-msg-div-327923648"&gt;&lt;a class="idc-close" title="Click to Close Message" href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(327923648)"&gt;&lt;span&gt;Close Message&lt;/span&gt; Comment posted. &lt;p class="idc-nomargin"&gt;&lt;a class="idc-share-facebook" target="_new" href="http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http:/%2 <a href="http:// Fwww.singleblackmale.org/2012/03/29/single-sams-episodes-in-love-part-5-all-it-takes-is-one/#IDComment327923648&t=I just commented on Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 5: All It Takes Is One – Single Black Male&quot;” target=”_blank”> Fwww.singleblackmale.org/2012/03/29/single-sams-episodes-in-love-part-5-all-it-takes-is-one/#IDComment327923648&t=I just commented on Single Sam’s Episodes in Love Part 5: All It Takes Is One – Single Black Male" style="text-decoration: none;"&gt;&lt;span class="idc-share-inner"&gt;&lt;span&gt;Share on Facebook&lt;/span&gt;&lt;/span&gt; or &lt;a href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(327923648)"&gt;Close MessageMan!!!!! This makes me want time to hurry and pass so that you can write another episode. The Super Bowl wasn't that long ago. This just goes to show that life – our lives which are so "normal" for us, can be so entertaining and thought provoking to someone else. We all have a story. Celibacy is the best thing she could have done for herself and she should continue. We can all see how she was able to get clear and re-prioritize her ambitions. I've enjoyed this series so much. I'm hoping that she gets the new job. Otherwise, she should definitely not begin to date her boss. I guess, we'll have to wait to see what has happened….

  44. Great series! Every segment read like an excerpt from my own diary, right up to the end of this one. I salute Sam and her choices, and I was glad to see that she realized the importance of remaining open to the possibility of love. I hope I can do the same, this last post was inspiring. Thanks, Mr. Spradley!

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