Home Dating & Relationships Dating The Dating Questionnaire: How To Rid Yourself of Losers and Lames

The Dating Questionnaire: How To Rid Yourself of Losers and Lames

Check 'em girl, check 'em.

It would all be so simple, if we were only able to meet people who were right for us.  We wish that we didn’t have to make the mistake of dating a loser, cheater or pathological liar.  In reality, that won’t happen; we’re going to have to go out there, and go on the dates and talk on the phone to get to know someone.  Behind the scenes, I’m always looking for ways to help out the dating world.  The dating world is a great place for everyone; relationships are hard work, and marriages… are damn near impossible.

In an effort to expedite your dating lives, I decided to post: “The Dating Questionnaire.”  This questionnaire was written by a friend of mine; I found it to be hilarious.  I’d like to introduce the author of the survey, her name is Single Brown Female.  Single Brown Female is in her mid-twenties, living in … actually never mind where she lives, that’s all you need to know; she’s single, brown, and in her mid-twenties.  Stalkers be real son.  Single Brown Female is one of those friends that continuously tests my G-Code and N-Code. (The N-Code is when you have friends who interracially date, and you have to contemplate whether to violate and tell her she’s dating an old extra regular negro.)

Anyway, I’m not trying to gas it any further.  This is the “official” Dating Questionnaire, created to assist you in weeding out the lames and losers in your dating life.

1.      Name (first, middle, last – ABSOLUTELY NO NICKNAMES ie Man, Boogsie, C-Dot, “lil” anything, etc.):

2.      Height: _____ ft. _____ in.

3.      Date of Birth: _____/_____/_____

4.      SSN (optional):______-_____-________

5.      Is there anything you want to tell me up front so you don’t have to waste the next few minutes answering the remaining questions because you know damn well this will not work?

If yes, what is it?

I will now have to evaluate the badness in which you just shared and decide whether it is something tolerable or not. Please hand your survey to me and give me a moment to review.

If no, proceed to Question 6.

6.      Have you ever been married?

If yes, are you still currently married?

If yes, no need to answer any more questions. Have a great evening.

7.      Do you have any children?

If yes:
How many?
How many baby mamas?

If the # of baby mamas is greater than 1, and the (average # of months between each baby / 12) is less than 1, ya gots-ta-go. If you cannot figure out how to do the math calculations, ya gots-ta-go.

If no, move onto Question 8.

8. While we’re on the topic of brain power, do you understand the concept of subject and verb agreement?  Will I constantly have to remind you that “I is” and “We be” should never come out your mouth?

9.      Have you ever been convicted of a felony? If yes, what was the charge?

Years Incarcerated?

This will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.

10.      Do you have a college degree?

Years in attendance:

11.  Do you have a job?

12.  I ain’t trying to get in your business but how many digits is your savings account; you don’t have to tell me an exact number? Because if you lose your job, I need to know I don’t have to carry your broke ass. I’m not trying to go from zero kids to a 40 year old one overnight.

13.  If I say I want to go to a nice dinner, which restaurant is most likely to pop into your head?

a) Olive Garden “three course Italian dinner for $12.95?! say whaaaaaaat!”
b) Zengo in Chinatown
c) Burger King so I can “have it my way”
d) “C’mon, Baby, let’s just go to my momma house”

14.  Do you currently have a girlfriend?

If no, are you lying?

Chances are, even if you say you don’t and you say you’re not lying, I don’t believe you.

15.  Are you currently in a situation where your ex-girlfriend believes you are still in a relationship?

16.  Have you recently broken up with an ex who will continue to pursue you to cause a problem between yourself and me?

17.  Is your ex emotionally and mentally stable?

18.  If you and I begin to date, will your ex put me in a position where I may be arrested for assault? Because I will f*ck a b*tch up.

19.  Are you passive aggressive or do you have enough balls to flat out say what the problem is?

20.  Do you have family members in their late 30s/early 40s who have grandchildren?

Yeah, you probably think the same thing I do, Single Brown Female is pretty awesome.  If you don’t find this survey to be hilarious, something is seriously wrong with you.  It’s not even that it’s funny “haha,” it’s funny “so true.”  I hope this helps all of you out.  Print it out, and take it to the club with you this weekend.  Thank God it’s Friday, I’m out. #BarbershopFridays

A PDF version of The Dating Questionnaire for download.

In honor of today’s post, brought to you by Carver The Great, The Mix is called, N*ggas Ain’t Sh*t. Download here, or stream below:

Tracklist: 1. Brandy & Monica: It All Belongs To Me, 2. Beyonce: Irreplaceable (To The Left), 3. Keyshia Cole: Shoulda Let You Go, 4. Keyshia Cole: I Just Want It To Be Over, 5. Keyshia Cole: Let It Go, 6. Faith Evans: You Gets No Love, 7. Yvette Michelle: I’m Not Feeling You, 8. Kelis: I Hate You So Much Right Now (Caught Out There), 9. Sunshine Anderson – Heard It All Before, 10. Letoya Luckett: Regret, 11. Miguel: Adorn

More music from Carver The Great can be found on his website: http://carverthegreat.wordpress.com/


  1. So "we be ballin" is not a correct sentence? Ha! I've been out of the dating scene for a good while. I found out I was getting deployed March '11 so I didn't want to start something that wouldn't last. Before that, I had just started school again in a new town. Before that, I was getting myself together after my last deployment. Before that, I was getting ready for my first deployment. Finally, I was too young to mess around in a relationship.

    You see miserable couples, divorce rate is rediculous, and it is generally tough to find somebody you can just "chill" with. This is my second deployment and you can see it is human nature for us to want to be with the opposite sex. It's crazy how many married husbands and married wives are out here smashing. It's probably the exact same back home.

    Half of the Dating Questionnaire questions are about past relationships. How would women react if you run into a man who is 26 and never been in a serious relationship?

    1. I know a handful of guys who spent their early twenties not being "ready for a relationship," so I wouldn't find it extremely odd. A lot of drama comes from pseudo-relationships as well, though.

    2. I would either say "lucky you"….lol or "oh really…why is that?"
      Depends. Wouldn't judge and necessarily think something was
      wrong with you though Vaughnny.
      I commend you for being so smart, sensible and taking your time.
      Big ups for that….*smile*

    3. "How would women react if you run into a man who is 26 and never been in a serious relationship? "

      I ain't gonna lie, unless there are some obvious visual deficiencies I will think something is up with you although I wouldn't tell you right off the bat, but eventually you will have some explaining to do.

  2. Shouldn't the average months/12 be less than 1 to be "ya-gots-ta-go"?? Because if it was more than one, there would on average be at least a year between each child, and I assume the problem comes from babies that are so close their mothers' were played….


    1. I guess math nerds aren't good with words. lol jk
      But Read it again.

      "If the # of baby mamas is greater than 1, and the (average # of months between each baby / 12) is less than 1, ya gots-ta-go."

        1. CO-SIGN on all things Olive Garden, lol.

          I prefer them over some super expensive spots…

      1. You can only take shorty to Olive Garden once you're in the relationship. Not before. After you in the relationship, Applebee's be winning.

        1. Ewww Applebee's is gross. I don't even take myself there!
          I don't see anything wrong with Olive Garden dates in the beggining. But if your trying to save money in the beggining, I would suggest grabbing some wings and a game at Bdubs

        2. Damn. You all are making me feel like I've been spoiling my girlfriends. I've taken my current lady out for Peruvian cuisine, a Brazilian steakhouse, and Middle Eastern food has become a monthly ritual.

          I wonder if she would be cool with TGI Fridays or Red Lobster. Fun fact: Cheddar Bay biscuits were created to directly stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain. They're commonly used by methadone clinics.

    1. I've only been there once, but this glutton left with a huge smile on her face. And like Most said, those bread sticks….. *daydreams*

  3. I’ve thought of doing the exact same thing. However, the questionnaire is missing one important aspect for me, which is “How many inches is your manhood?”(Optional: Attach a photo). I take nothing less than 6 inches! ……Lol Sigh if only I could do this life would be easier. (I would exclude number 12 and 20)

      1. Maximum would be 8, but I'd still rather not have an 8. Lol! Perfect size would be a 6.5/7 and thick. No girl likes it too big to be honest.

    1. "How many inches is your manhood?"(Optional: Attach a photo). I take nothing less than 6 inches! ……

      You begging to be lied to. *JustSayin* lol

  4. Somewhere in there we have to add "are you comfortable with whatever dahell it is you are, or are you frontin' RIGHT NOW"??? I have a **ahem**….'friend' who I can't take anywhere because you cannot CONVINCE him he is not the cleverest mofo on earth. You know, the type of person that makes you cringe when someone starts playing the dozens because you KNOW some irregular ish is going to come out his mouth and you will have to diffuse a fight? Yeah…

  5. i know this survey is tongue in cheek but height is really the first real question? no country for short men. and social security number? why do you need to know that? this reads more like a level III security clearance form. i'm not mad at it but who's going to really admit they're lying (read: question 14)?
    My recent post The Greatest Sham Ever Conceived…

  6. Its pretty sad us men don't ask this many questions…wait that might be a good thing..all we really care about is "are you crazy???"

      1. That's pretty much it…lol I need to start thinking of a set a questions to ask tho..the thing is with some women they say all the right things in the beginning OR they say all the bad stuff (to get it out of the way) and have you running away quickfast

        1. You could ask questions like those that appear in a behavioral interview.

          ex. Tell me about a time when you were in a relationship and you suspected infidelity.

      1. Mr. SD: "all we really care about is "are you crazy???""

        Naija: "..But if she pretty enough, she gettin' a pass doe. I lie? "

        She gets a pass, but not for anything serious. Few things are better than $ex with a fine, crazy woman! The aftermath though…

      2. Ive done the pretty crazy girl chick deal and at a younger age it was very entertaining. I'm 32, I'm ova the psycho crazies.

      3. Nope. Not anymore. That was alright when I was young and foolish.

        Now, all good looks will get are kind words and a smile.

    1. I got you…

      Next week, i'm posting a survey for the Men to ask Women. Spoiler Alert: It's way more hilarious than this one. Single Brown Female wrote that one too.

    2. Questions?
      "Do you have friends outside of your workplace?"
      "Do you have more male friends than female friends?"
      "What's your relationship like with your father?"
      "Do you have hobbies of your own?"

      That's just for starters…

  7. off topic – how the hell do you get this annoying rectangle box thing with the facebook like logo and tweet logo and pin it on the side of the comment pop up box???

  8. 01) What if the answers to question 6 are yes, no and the answers to question 7 are yes, something nonzero, and no? Would you date that person? In other words, what if the dude is a widower?
    02) In regards to question 19, shouldn't the response be "Yes, but I hope you can take it if the problem is you."?
    03) Is being a grandparent in the early forties that crazy? If grandmother and mother both had kids in the early twenties, that would put the grandmother in the early to mid forties.

    1. You ruining the mood, lol.

      I'll be honest with you. 1) Is a good point. 2) You can't answer "or" questions with "Yes". 3) Forties is not that crazy. But I have a cousin who is a grandmother and she's not even 37.

      Now that's borderline cray. I'm pretty sure we have some 32 year old grandmothers in the world somewhere.

  9. Its amazing how much emphasis there is on how 'bad' women have it out here in the dating world, as if men just have it easy as pie. Smdh. Just about every woman I know, or even have known, is/was a pimp, so whats really good here??

    1. The dating world can be very difficult and even scary for women. A lot of seemingly nice guys misrepresent who they are or what they want. If you do meet an actually decent guy he hits you with the "I'm not ready for a realationship" after you catch feelings. Not quite easy as pie.

  10. Man oh man did I need this. LOL

    In the past 24 hours I've literally been thinking about my overall dating life, and why in the world I seem to be a loser-lame magnet SMDH when I have my ish together. Doesn't make the least bit of sense.

    They seem all good on the surface but then about 2 weeks in I find out their ish is all the way RATCHET! LOL


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