The Dating Questionnaire: How To Rid Yourself of Losers and Lames
It would all be so simple, if we were only able to meet people who were right for us. We wish that we didn’t have to make the mistake of dating a loser, cheater or pathological liar. In reality, that won’t happen; we’re going to have to go out there, and go on the dates and talk on the phone to get to know someone. Behind the scenes, I’m always looking for ways to help out the dating world. The dating world is a great place for everyone; relationships are hard work, and marriages… are damn near impossible.
In an effort to expedite your dating lives, I decided to post: “The Dating Questionnaire.” This questionnaire was written by a friend of mine; I found it to be hilarious. I’d like to introduce the author of the survey, her name is Single Brown Female. Single Brown Female is in her mid-twenties, living in … actually never mind where she lives, that’s all you need to know; she’s single, brown, and in her mid-twenties. Stalkers be real son. Single Brown Female is one of those friends that continuously tests my G-Code and N-Code. (The N-Code is when you have friends who interracially date, and you have to contemplate whether to violate and tell her she’s dating an old extra regular negro.)
Anyway, I’m not trying to gas it any further. This is the “official” Dating Questionnaire, created to assist you in weeding out the lames and losers in your dating life.
1. Name (first, middle, last – ABSOLUTELY NO NICKNAMES ie Man, Boogsie, C-Dot, “lil” anything, etc.):
2. Height: _____ ft. _____ in.
3. Date of Birth: _____/_____/_____
4. SSN (optional):______-_____-________
5. Is there anything you want to tell me up front so you don’t have to waste the next few minutes answering the remaining questions because you know damn well this will not work?
If yes, what is it?
I will now have to evaluate the badness in which you just shared and decide whether it is something tolerable or not. Please hand your survey to me and give me a moment to review.
If no, proceed to Question 6.
6. Have you ever been married?
If yes, are you still currently married?
If yes, no need to answer any more questions. Have a great evening.
7. Do you have any children?
How many baby mamas?
If the # of baby mamas is greater than 1, and the (average # of months between each baby / 12) is less than 1, ya gots-ta-go. If you cannot figure out how to do the math calculations, ya gots-ta-go.
If no, move onto Question 8.
8. While we’re on the topic of brain power, do you understand the concept of subject and verb agreement? Will I constantly have to remind you that “I is” and “We be” should never come out your mouth?
9. Have you ever been convicted of a felony? If yes, what was the charge?
This will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.
10. Do you have a college degree?
Years in attendance:
11. Do you have a job?
12. I ain’t trying to get in your business but how many digits is your savings account; you don’t have to tell me an exact number? Because if you lose your job, I need to know I don’t have to carry your broke ass. I’m not trying to go from zero kids to a 40 year old one overnight.
13. If I say I want to go to a nice dinner, which restaurant is most likely to pop into your head?
a) Olive Garden “three course Italian dinner for $12.95?! say whaaaaaaat!”
b) Zengo in Chinatown
c) Burger King so I can “have it my way”
d) “C’mon, Baby, let’s just go to my momma house”
14. Do you currently have a girlfriend?
If no, are you lying?
Chances are, even if you say you don’t and you say you’re not lying, I don’t believe you.
15. Are you currently in a situation where your ex-girlfriend believes you are still in a relationship?
16. Have you recently broken up with an ex who will continue to pursue you to cause a problem between yourself and me?
17. Is your ex emotionally and mentally stable?
18. If you and I begin to date, will your ex put me in a position where I may be arrested for assault? Because I will f*ck a b*tch up.
19. Are you passive aggressive or do you have enough balls to flat out say what the problem is?
20. Do you have family members in their late 30s/early 40s who have grandchildren?
Yeah, you probably think the same thing I do, Single Brown Female is pretty awesome. If you don’t find this survey to be hilarious, something is seriously wrong with you. It’s not even that it’s funny “haha,” it’s funny “so true.” I hope this helps all of you out. Print it out, and take it to the club with you this weekend. Thank God it’s Friday, I’m out. #BarbershopFridays
A PDF version of The Dating Questionnaire for download.
Tracklist: 1. Brandy & Monica: It All Belongs To Me, 2. Beyonce: Irreplaceable (To The Left), 3. Keyshia Cole: Shoulda Let You Go, 4. Keyshia Cole: I Just Want It To Be Over, 5. Keyshia Cole: Let It Go, 6. Faith Evans: You Gets No Love, 7. Yvette Michelle: I’m Not Feeling You, 8. Kelis: I Hate You So Much Right Now (Caught Out There), 9. Sunshine Anderson – Heard It All Before, 10. Letoya Luckett: Regret, 11. Miguel: Adorn
More music from Carver The Great can be found on his website: http://carverthegreat.wordpress.com/