Don’t Call Me Sexy! A Discussion On How Men Should Express Affection To Women
While hanging out with a bunch of friends the other day, we got into a conversation about women (as usual). One of the things that came up was the difference tween “pretty” and “sexy” (pretty vs. sexy). As men, debates like this are easily ended with the most important question of all: “… but would you hit that tho?!” The order is restored and we can move. Unfortunately, with women, it isn’t quite as easy. Not only do they have a divergent opinion from men on what is pretty and sexy, but some women even have issues with being called sexy in the first place! My good friend Reecie, whom most know as a regular commenter on SBM wanted in on this debate, and I love a challenge.
Here is our discussion on pretty vs. sexy and the way men use the two terms:
So Reecie, when I think of pretty, I think of beautiful women. Women who are girl-next-door cute and sure fire arm candy like Sports Illustrated models. A pretty woman is a woman who guys will give at least an 8.5 out of 10 across the board. This score would be weighted by their facial beauty, overall body type, and style. I’m personally not into big women, but I know MANY who are pretty in the face. I’m not into super skinny women, but they can dress and look the part. These women are facially attractive and would be deemed a beauty by the general population.
When I think about sexy, this woman doesn’t necessarily have to be pretty. Sexy is that X-Factor– that certain Je Ne Sais Quoi that a woman will possess. That look, that aura that grabs at a man’s soul and yells “Do bad things to me, make me yours, and don’t stop until I do!” This can be quantified by the way a woman walks, talks, and interacts with you. I know you hate the word swag, but sexiness is feminine swag on a sensual level.
I kinda agree with this. Maybe not in terms of the point scale but I do agree that even within pretty there is a scale that probably ranges from cute to gorgeous dime piece. And it is 99.9% of the time a facial thing. Pretty vs. Sexy is not a competitive thing. One isn’t better than the other–unless you’re only one and not the other!!! I kid. Kinda. I mean ideally one would want to be both, right? Some say they prefer “sexy” because it speaks to their aura vs. “pretty” which is just genes and facial symmetry. I’on knows. I like being appreciated all around, even if one piece I get from my parents!
I think your use of beautiful is what I’d call “gorgeous” –the kind of breathtaking beauty that just can’t be denied. Physical beauty, that is. In my opinion, the trump card or ultimate compliment is “beautiful” because I think it encompasses mind, body, and spirit, but we’re not talking about that today so I’ll chill…
I’d like to take this a bit further and address this from the female perspective in terms of being approached and complemented by a man. I don’t think I’ve ever appreciated being called sexy by a stranger. It could come from years of just being heckled and what many of us know as “street harassment” or “club harassment” but that has a lot to do with why sexy from strangers makes me cringe. I think the “X-factor” that you speak of is not something you can tell at first glance–and in my experiences, if a man calls you sexy as soon as he lays eyes on you–it means he’s just thinking about sex and wants to sop you up with a biscuit.
I could be alone in this but I’ve seen it go down too many times during a night of dancing and drinking; it usually involves a man grabbing your arm as you try to pass which is immediately followed by him whispering “hey sexy” all creepy like. *shudders* I don’t like anybody touching me without my permission.
I never really try to accentuate my sex appeal when I go out, but I will at times make a subtle focus on one particular physical feature and that subtlety is typically appreciated by a certain caliber of man. Now if I’m chilling around the house, cut off shorts & a wife beater in the kitchen whipping up some scrambled eggs and a man I dig tells me I’m sexy–I’m more likely to blush a little bit and appreciate that more. Timing is everything.
I definitely agree with you that men accentuate the “sex” part of sexiness. That’s because dudes blurt it out instead of internalizing.
Think twice, speak once!! You need to know time and place when expressing your appreciation for a woman’s sex appeal. Think about how many creeps leer and catcall women. Women get offered cock 100 times an hour, so how can a dude differentiate himself? I think that I’m the Charles Xavier of discovering a woman’s X-Factor, through my different life experiences along with trial and error. I think if you trigger that “ooh she’s sexy” reaction in a man, that’s how he knows you got it.
Some of it I can’t pinpoint, but once you wheel through the reasons (in conversations with your boys of course), you then get to the root of why a woman is sexy to you. I remember that Beyonce commercial when she was sitting on the couch giggling and playing with a Nintendo DS or some sh*t. Me and my boys all agreed that this was the epitome of sexy! It doesn’t have to be that you dress like a slut, or are showing titties faster than the speed of light, it means you have that thing. That thing. That. Thi-i-i-ing!
At the same time, I don’t see the sexy tag as a demeaning and objectifying term. Actually, I can see how women would feel that way. I think that it depends on the man and the context in which they use the term. Let’s be real: when a man uses the term sexy, there is SOME percentage of the context within the term that alludes to a lust filled connotation. It’s the nature and root of the term itself!
However, there is a difference between being tasteless and being eloquent in how you express to a woman that she has endearing, sensual qualities that you adore. You can convey to a woman that her sex appeal is off the charts in two ways. You can use the Caveman Approach, and be completely blunt, or you can use the James Bond Approach. Most men will be the super caveman and express his desires outright with loving terms like “Girl, your ass is SO fat! I NEED that right now!” It’s hard not to be a woman and not feel like a slab of Ribeye waiting to be devoured. Now, the James Bond Approach calls for men to use intellect and savvy when you describe to a woman how her outward aesthetics please you.
You can flip the Caveman Approach and still convey a favorable message, like “That dress compliments you well! I definitely took notice. Looking great!” Not as crass as the Caveman Approach, but still conveys a favorable message in the same manner. What’s funny to me is that some women respond WELL to the Caveman approach, and dismiss the James Bond approach as the game! So this can be confusing to men, as we don’t know what offends and what is appropriate. I believe for women, the attractiveness of the man uttering these phrases, also plays a factor in whether or not they “hate” being called sexy vs. pretty.
I can agree with the attractiveness of said man can make all the difference in the world!!!! Or if he, in fact, has that “sexy” factor as well. Mutual attraction changes… A LOT!!!
Men: what are certain attributes about a woman that you identify with sexy and pretty? Is it something you can pinpoint immediately or does it depend on the woman, and the particular attribute? Is there a difference?
Ladies: What moments or characteristics about yourself do you find sexy? do you prefer being called pretty vs. sexy? Yes we know this is a strictly superficial discussion but roll with it…
If you like this post, you can also read on an interesting blog about how you can do better than your ex!
StreetZ & Reecie
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