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Single Black Mail: How Long Do I Wait For Her To Get Over Her Ex?

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How Soon is Too Soon?

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I have recently started dating [a] woman and I’m feeling her, she says she’s feeling me and that I treat her like a queen and [she] want[s] a real relationship after being single for a year. Now the issue is she just recently got out of a relationship like [a month ago]. We met at a party in front of her ex and began dating while they were still going out, although she claims it was over long before, but she didn’t break up with him until after we had been seeing each other for a couple of weeks. The problem I have now is that she single, she says that we are just friends even though we have known each other in a biblical sense and just wants to continue dating and not take it to the relationship level just yet. Should I continue being patient or should I end this till she figures out what she wants ?
– Ace

First, I am going to try and answer this question impartially. Let’s be real, it is usually a woman who is asking to take things to the next level and the guy in her life blocking it. So what I suggest to you, hopefully, will be just as applicable to women.
Next, I have to assume some things. I have to assume you two are a good fit. She isn’t way out of your league (she’s a model while your mom is your best friend) and that there isn’t some huge age gap (she’s 22 while you lost your virginity in the 80s). If this isn’t true, that would explain a lot. Then her hesitation could just be about you and waiting might be a waste of time.
With all of that being said, I am going to tell you something very simple. Easy advice to live by.

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Calm yourself … wait.

Ok, I lied. I would not tell a woman to do that (they get to jump to the ultimatum)!
I don’t know how long she had been dating her ex before you, but we all know there is a little mourning period after the break up, one that affects women harder than men. It’s been a month!!! It sounds like she is taking care of you (I assume “biblical sense” means she is smashing on the regular) as she mourns, so there is no reason to run.  But, while you are waiting you need to do two things:

Decide exactly what you want.

If you need a real committed relationship that is going to head towards marriage, you need to see real commitment from her. If you are in no rush to find your wife, but prefer girlfriends to cut buddies, then you need her to be serious … but not sign in blood.  If you just want some booty, you’re good. This will determine what you need to see outta her.

Make a REAL deadline

Don’t just set a date for the sake of setting a date (what 90% of people do). If you are old … then you don’t have a lot of time and you might really need to know in 2 months. If you are 21 … shhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttt … you can go on comfortably beating for a year without denting your chances of finding someone in the long run..

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So, just stop it. You’re being antsy. She will need some time, and as wait as long as is reasonable. Avoid the friend zone and make sure she keeps pleasing you “biblically” and the dates happen. When things stall, drop her, but until then, just keep a solid Plan B on the back-burner.

So SBM massive, what are your thoughts? How soon is too soon to get with someone coming out of a relationship? Have you had good or bad experiences dealing with a person’s ex’es? Are you just coming out of a relationship? How long do you wait before re-entering the dating game.

~EBM

****Admin Note: Check out SBM Writers @SlimJackson and @MrSpradley tomorrow with @NWSO on the Naked Radio Show. You can stream it online at PNCRadio.fm or via your mobile device here: j.mp/fKwNRq. We’ll be on from 10:30pm to midnight and we’ll be discussing some of our favorite posts from SBM and NWSO. Should be fun! ****

Comment(66)

  1. I'm confused, how was she single for a year but just got out of a relationship last month?

    Anywho, you can't really say how soon is too soon unless you are the one coming out of the relationship. I can't tell someone else when they should be over their ex because i'm tryna holla. Some relationships you can just bounce back from, while others may have taken a serious toll.

    Its always a tricky situation dealing with someone who is just ending things with another person because them saying they are over it and them actually being over it don't always line up. The best you can hope for is that they are honest with you (and themselves) about where they are on the "road to recovery" and what/how much they can handle at the present time.
    My recent post The people i meet: Men make baby showers fun!

  2. Do pardon me, but I'm a bit perplexed. She claims to be looking for a relationship after being single for a year….but just recently got out of one? Also, this other claim that she made about it being over – was she referring to the phenomenon of going through the motions, or did she purposefully mislead you into believing that she was unattached?

    To be quite frank with you, if you think you're dating a woman and she's adamant that you're "just friends," little good can come of the situation. I certainly wouldn't tell someone that I'm seriously considering as a partner that we're friends if we're busy doing the things that lovers do. I also consider it a bright red flag when someone is willing to sleep with, and actively date you while in a relationship with another. You can opt to be patient, but I wouldn't get too attached. Try to hold back from the physical extras and see if you're really into her enough to put up with the points of concern raised. It could very well be that you provided her with an enjoyable thrill initially, but she later determined that the grass wasn't greener after all.

    I don't think it's a great idea to jump from one relationship into the next. However, I don't see the wisdom in dating if one is supposedly grieving for a lost one. I think she's just not that into you.

    1. I agree… with everything you said a couple of red flags should slow him down. I think she might have used him as a way to get out of her previous relationship. Some people wont leave a relationship until they set something else up on the side.

    2. I agree with Naija on this one. Too many questions and unknowns. I think u should wait as long as you feel you should without playin yaself. If ur not feeling the situation and feel like your wasting your time then you probably are and should bounce. On the other hand, if you care enough about this chick and the feelings are strong enough that u wanna go through possible storms wit her then stick with her and ride it out until she tells you she doesn't want you anymore. All depends on how u feel and what your willing to deal with and for how long. I will say any and everything u wanna know u need to ask her straight up and see what she says. Go with your gut and instincts.

    3. "I also consider it a bright red flag when someone is willing to sleep with, and actively date you while in a relationship with another."

      THIS!!^^^^^

  3. You’re the rebound…she is just out of a relationship, or has been out of one for a year, yeah that was confusing, but she likely just wants to smash and be unattached. www dot tracktales dot com.

    1. I'd say that she is using you to remind herself (and her ex) that she is still desirable and wanted. Your faux relationships looks like an attempt to prove to herself that she can move on (spoiler: she hasn't). You're filling emotional and physical holes for her right now, nothing more. Pause. Sorry buddy, women can suck sometimes. 🙁

  4. Move on dude. Don’t wait it out. Don’t try to push for something that isn’t iikely there. You probably only got to “know” her because she was in some sort of screwed up emotional state while going through the ending of her last relationship.
    And let’s be real…..a woman who would sleep with you while still technically with another man. Is that the kind of woman you want to be with? A woman who can easily justify cheating because she says it’s over in her head/heart but they haven’t actually broke it off. You could easily become the new BF that she emotionally checks-out on.
    Leave her alone. There are plenty more fish in the sea.

  5. Facts:
    Her ex is still smashing
    Shes really not single!
    Never date a woman after shes "single" for a month
    Find another broad to play with until shawty is ready
    SHES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU..LOL

  6. Everyone is different. Too me it depends on the length of the relationship and the seriousness of the relationship.

    I agree with EBM advice. Play this one on the back burner. She might really want you and need some space/ time but there’s also a big chance that you’re just a rebound, you showed her the attention she was craving. She started dating you while she was with him, some people won’t leave a relationship even if it’s over because they don’t want to be lonely, they try to set up a situation on the side to ease into before they completely let go of the other person. What ever you do just dont put all of your eggs into this basket.

  7. Good advice by SBM, and I cosign everything Naija and larnelw said.

    She seems like someone who wants to save her cake and eat it too. It is understandable that she wants a backup (read: you) so she still has a warm male body to get next to in case she can't get back with her ex or with someone else, but you don't have to limit yourself.

    In other words, see other people. If you are really "just friends", she won't mind, and after all, she appears to be doing the same thing. She'll either not care, which means she wasn't in to you anyway, or she'll get mad. If she gets mad, then you can remind her that she said you were just a friend, or ask her if she is really looking for something more. Force her to show her cards.

    1. Welp…

      Hugh's second paragraph is EVERYTHING I was gonna say, lol. Not to downplay the seriousness of the situation, but the solution is simple. She's not your girl…and doesn't want to be your girl right now…so be single and deal with her on your time.

      1. This. Her getting angry with ole boy for dating others isn't really a true measurement of her interest in him. It could be just simply her ego getting bruised. Some people get off on the sheer power they have over others. Sounds to me he's in denial. When you have to become strategic to figure out whether a person is truly interested, it would be safe to say he or she isn't. Determining whether a person has similiar interest as yours isn't this hard. What is hard is when reality doesn't comform to your wishes. Send her to the left.

      1. So sayeth the ButcherPimp.
        #DontHateThePlaya
        **sidenote** I live in BK, by a park, and have been side eyeing ALL butchers, in EVERY supermarket I have gone to since. After yesterday, I have added Kappas. Ish is real out here, yo.

        1. laughing at you…you are a mess! Side-eying all butchers…and kappas…is def a must now…at least in NY, LOL. I'm certain these kind don't live in Maryland, LMBO!

          Or do they?! o_O

        2. @Amaris: "……Dammit, let's cut to the chase. ARE YOU A PIMP???"

          Yes. (holds up meat cleaver) Now get my money before I cut ya!

          Since I'm new to the game, I have to ask some questions because I don't quite have it all figured out yet. So, if you buy meat from a butcher pimp, does that make you a h0e? Do I have to wear a hairnet over my perm? Do I have to have a purple apron?

  8. Red flags are going off all over the place. This is why you keep your heart out of things and don’t start falling in love after a few weeks.

    We are friends is probably what she told her so called ex about you, so telling you makes her lie even more legit.
    She’s not into you man, don’t waste time, millions of fish in the sea, keep dating.

  9. I'm calling bullsh*t on this one. There is a swindle afoot. She was single but just got out of a relationship? Oh i think you know just what we call that…

    LOL

    Listen dude,

    I would leave this chick alone, only because she seems like a liar and a player based off of discrepancies in her story. If you date and wife up a woman who is still technically in a relationship, what's to stop her from doing the same to you if she gets disinterested or upset? You will not be that special situation and it will come back to bite you. Let her walk, or just keep hittin it sans strings attached.

    As far as a cool-down period for women who just got out of a relationship? I say 6 months. Thats enough time for her to get out, experience the world, resist the urges to go back to her ex, and really deal with her emotions. Any shorter time, and you are risking a relapse
    My recent post Video: Daniel Bryan Leads YES Chants After Monday Night Raw

    1. Depends, Streetz. I don't think you can put a time limit on it. I held a person in my heart for…hold up, lemme count…about 10 years. It depends on what happened, how the situation ended, all that.

      BUT, once a women is done, she is DONE! Its automatic…dag near a miracle, lol. And like R. Kelly once explained, there ain't nothing you can do about it.

      The best thing you can do is simply ask, "Are you emotionally available?"…and pray they are honest…and accept their answer.

      1. Yep.

        That "one"? Well, I'll let you know when I find out how long it takes you to get over him…3 years and counting…

        1. It's not a question of being over the GUY, persay, just over the relationship's better qualities. It took me years to fully 'get over' one relationship, partially because try as I might, I have never connected with another person the same way, or have had that same unconditional acceptance. I, however, am absolutely concrete in the fact that I can't get that back from THAT MAN, either, and that no two relationships are the same….and that the fact of it is perfectly FINE, because I have developed an unconditional acceptance of MYSELF.

        2. Amaris, you're the perfect person to ask then. Sratight you can chime in on this as well.

          Outside of being fully confident and accepting yourself, what other tools do you use to not look for that same connect in the men you date after breaking up with the "GUY"?

        3. Hmm.
          I'm probably the wrong person to ask. One of my 'superpowers' is that I don't carry over grudges. I always judge the man in front of me, not by the yardstick of the men before him. I also realize that the common denominator in all of my relationships is ME, and so I work on the only thing I have control over- myself. As far as guys, I just ask questions. A lot of people taboo talking about past relationships, but I always find some way to sneak it in-because past performance is honestly an indicator of future success. If he spend 10 minutes badmaouthing his ex & placing all blame on her shoulders, I may want to take a step back. If he has an unhealthy attitude about the concept of dating, I may want to take a step back. If he tries some rediculous "test" to see how loyal/down I am, same thing. A lot of women do most of the talking in the first three dates, I only do enough to get him to open up & talk, & then I get the info I need.

        4. Ahhhh LISTENING!! The ultimate superpower!

          In my lifetime Ive probably come across one woman that Ive wanted to marry. I mean I actually started ring hunting and everything. She held all of the qualities ive ever wanted in a wife. She was that "ONE". Needless to say we split up after a rough 3 yrs relationship. I try my best to not carry over or search for the connection I had with her while dating and courting. The connection we shared was strong and extremely rare. But I question if I should still use that connection as a guide to the chick or let it die with the ex?

        5. Yes and no. Parts of that connection are tied to the reasons you broke up. It is essential to separate what you miss about the RELATIONSHIP as a whole from what you miss about the PERSON specifically. If you go looking for a similar connection, that's cool. If you go looking for a person that has the same laugh she did because it always made you smile, that's a problem. Also, it is helpful to note that you probably did not have that 'connection' instantaneously, so you need to give people time.
          Honestly, I am at the point where I just enjoy the relationship I (will) have, and committed the old to a pleasant memory. No two are the same, and finding a new face or aspect of love I kind of find exciting!

        6. "If you go looking for a similar connection, that's cool."
          Id def go for a similar connection. The connect was instantaneous..our 1st phone convo lasted 9hrs..lol insane

          But I agree with you, finding a new face or aspect of love is very exciting

        7. I can't really answer because I haven't been able to move on. It's a bit paralyzing if I'm honest…sorta like chasing that first high, no one ever measures up – like at all.

          So my advice would be to let it die with the ex, nothing will ever be the same obviously – the next woman is a different woman. But understand that that advice is not something I've been able to follow myself…so take it for what it's worth.

        8. Don't limit yourself by that one experience. Although the connection was good, trust you will encounter something even better and lasting the next time around. Nothing is ever the be all, end all unless you choose for it to be.

        9. I said it took me 10 yrs…and I meant after the relationship ended…whatchu surprised at 3 yrs for, LOL?

          "I've been in love with you since I was eleven, and the sh*t won't go away…"
          – Love & Basketball

          The best thing to do is be honest about everything the relationship wasn't. If it was all that, y'all'd still be together. Once you really accept that it wasn't as hot as you wanted it to be…and that you're holding on to a potential that never was and won't be, "done" just happens…and you open yourself up for better. Now that I've got "better", I feel like a complete idiot for holding on to my ex for 10 yrs…its laughable now.

        10. I should note that I have never seen Love & Basketball, or Boomerang, and JUST saw Love Jones for the first time this year.
          **hangs head in shame**
          But yeah, relationships have a way of looking VERY rosy in hindsight. It's actually been scientifially proven that as a survival reflex, your brain adopts 'selective memory' towards relationships. You wouldn't even get the same relationship back with the same PERSON, as we all change and grow over time.

        11. AMARIS! Don't let another weekend of your life go by without being able to have intelligent dialogue about Love & Basketball or Boomerang!!!! Boomerang 1ST…then Love & Basketball. Now that we got the important stuff out the way, LOL…

          AGREED!!!!!!

        12. Yeah Amaris you need to hole yourself up in tha house wit your popcorn, snacks, and drinks and watch a marathon of good black love movies, including ole skool ones like Claudine and Mahogany.

        13. Cyn we're all hoarders in some way shape or form, be it emotionally or physically hoarding stuff. It's part of our human nature so don't feel foolish because your not……your just human……*smile*

      2. Cosign on all that Cyn….who are you to judge how long it should take other people to get over their ex's…??? Thats like trying to tell someone how long they should mourn the loss of a loved one. You just can't do it….you can only know yourself, but not other people. And regardless of how long or short of a timeframe it takes, there is no right or wrong……just different.

  10. It's ALWAYS a bad idea to date ANYONE fresh out of a relationship expecting something serious, even if they tell you they are over their ex.

    She's probably lying to herself. She might really want to be over her ex, but she isn't. My ex ended up marrying a girl who, when they were dating, was fresh out of a relationship. They divorced after 8 months and she had her ex's baby shortly after they divorced. I was fresh out of a relationship when I met this guy, and although I wanted to believe I was over my ex because I had already started pulling away before we "officially" broke up (which it sounds like what this chick is saying she did), I wasn't. After he and I broke up, I told him to stop dating women fresh out of relationships. It rarely ever turns out well. SBM's advice was on point.
    My recent post Monogamy is not natural

  11. If she hasn't moved on and has one foot in her last relationships, leave her where she stands!!!

    It will be an exercise in futility if you proceed. I had a chick who recently broke up with a dude she was with for 3 years and all she did was complain about him. Then when they broke up, her thoughts are pre-occupied with him and she couldn't move on emotionally. They are bad news…give her space and distance.

  12. **sigh**
    As the master at attracting the emotionally unavailable dude, I actually have a slightly differing theory.

    Men usually don't 'move on' out of a relationship unless they have something to 'move on' TO. Women, try as they might, have never really got this concept right. It is mostly because we as women tend to give up more IN a relationship (follow me on this). We are more likely to rearrange our schedules to accomodate our dudes, make career decisions based off a boyfriend, we most often move into HIS digs, etc, etc, and have to piece ourselves back after it is over (is it healthy? That's not part of this discussion. I digress). Once in a while we are lucky enough to bump into a guy we believe would be a great match for us at the sunset of our relationship, and in THEORY it seems like the easy choice to drop the current problem to move on to the current 'solution'……
    Until you realize the compromising starts all over again and you realize you don't have anything to give this dude.

    1. There is a very good chance she sees you as an ideal mate, but the thought of getting attached again isn't so appealing once she's tasted freedom, so she's trying to 'keep you around' until she is emotionally ready to handle you. It is up to you to decide if you want to wait around for that.

  13. Amaris that is a terrible excuse and I don't buy it for one minute. She is basically living a lie. If she wants to be honest, she would simply tell both party she isn't commited to anyone right now and is only dating. Nothing wrong with that, but her problem is she is playing mind games as if no one else has feelings.

    On the flip side the the male shouldn't have developed any feeling anyhow especially when u don't know someone. Had he kept feeling out, he could simply laugh at her, get his and keep going. Yes, he can be cold knowing full well she is actually trying to play him.

    He broke all the rules to the game with getting attached, and now he getting played!

  14. I feel like somewhere in the ballpark of 6-9 months is enough time for a woman to get over "that" guy. I think some women go through the period of a casual bed-hopping, as means to slowly withdraw from the consistency of a warm body and occassional comp'd meal.

    Unless you're cool with being a rebound, steer clear of shorties that still wear their ex's shirt to bed or keep his old basketball shorts within an arm's reach. Because if his stuff is still there, chances are so is he.
    My recent post Melo vs. the Chicago Bulls (Pt 1)

  15. I've been that girl who moved on quickly after a horrible break-up. I jumped into a relationship 3 months after breaking up with my first love (VERY bad idea). The guy after my ex basically begged me to be with him, don't get me wrong I liked him, but there were A LOT of issues I failed to deal with before jumping into something new. I was bitter, damaged and had a lot of trust issues.

    I don't think you can gauge how long to wait for a woman to get over ex; a woman has to know for herself. Additionally, I think the reason why they broke up is important. If a woman is harboring bitterness and anger because of things her ex did she could potentially bring that into her next relationship (been there, done that!). I will say that I think it's a red flag if her and her ex are "friends." That makes it almost impossible for her to completely move on…

    All in all, I agree. Don't pressure her and take your time 🙂

  16. CLARIFICATION: She wants to be single for a year before she gets in a serious relationship that is why she told him that she did not want to get serious. And so far it has been just a month.
    My advice let things happen naturally and give it a bit of time to see where it goes. About 4-6 months. But do not be a user!!

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