Home Empowerment Five Reasons Why You Can’t Be Michelle Obama

Five Reasons Why You Can’t Be Michelle Obama

My personal favorite picture of the First Family.

How many times have you gone on Facebook and seen that one of your female friends has changed her profile picture to the Obama’s, or even just a picture of Michelle? Yeah, it happens a lot nowadays. It seems that a growing majority of Black women find themselves in an unhealthy admiration of Michelle. Let me get this important part out of the way quickly; Michelle Obama is a heck of a role model. There aren’t many Black women as awesome as she. So why do I take issue with some people’s unhealthy admiration with Michelle? Simply put, I don’t think most women have what it takes to walk a day in her shoes.

I had the option of writing this post in the “Vintage Dr. J” voice and somewhere along the way I decided against it. I realized that there is no bashing that needs to be done, and the points that I will make today can all be made without finger pointing. I wanted to point out five key characteristics in Michelle’s life that really show obvious difference between Michelle and many of her admirers.  Keep in mind, this is not a list that you can pick and choose what applies.  ALL of these things apply to Michelle – Future-style – AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.

Make no mistake about it– Michelle is not a silent partner.

The general public has never seen Michelle scream at Barack, nor do they have any evidence to suggest that she ever gets all that upset with him. If you believe that, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I would love to sell you. Here’s how Michelle does it– when you’re not looking and there’s no one around. I’ve always told my friends that there is nothing wrong with an opinionated woman; it’s about when she turns that on. If you’re out at dinner with another couple, it’s probably not the best time to complain about personal qualms. However, the car ride home is perfectly acceptable. I’m pretty sure that Barack has reneged on a few dinner dates and movie nights in the last four years. Michelle is awesome, but she’s still a Black woman. Please believe that when Barack tried to sneak in the bedroom after missing a movie night, he heard about it. To the general public, we never had a clue.

See Also:  Black Women Are Perfectly Fine: An Editorial by Dr. J

Michelle had the courage and foresight to date down.

I don’t know if choosing to date the future President of the United States could be considered dating down, but you don’t see many couples like the Obama’s. Michelle could have easily overlooked Barack’s advances and only played her mentor role. She turned him down a few times, but eventually she decided to give in. There are so many women trying to find the right mate, but they refuse to adjust their standards. Let me repeat that, “they refuse to ADJUST their standards.” I can’t tell you how many times I am trying to give advice to a woman only to conclude, “I know everything you don’t want but nothing about what you really want.” Take the page from Michelle– every now and then you have to ADJUST your standards.

Michelle’s patience is virtue.

It was never easy and it won’t get any easier anytime soon; but Michelle has learned over the years that she would have to stand and cheer. I’m sure that when Michelle was growing up and imagining what her life would be like, it didn’t look like playing second fiddle to some guy from Hawaii. I’m also pretty sure that by the time she got to Sidley Austin, she also didn’t see second fiddle to the new Associate in her future. However, once she found a great man, she agreed to be patient, for the light is always at the end of the tunnel. How many women do you know who would have been comfortable with waiting until 34 or 37 to have children? That’s patience.

See Also:  And The Winner Is, America?

Faced with the option of Vera Wang, Michelle chooses H&M.

When I found out that Michelle shopped at H&M, I fell in love. I am fully aware that this may just be my network and me, but I’m so tired of hearing about Christian Louboutin and Tiffany’s jewelry all the time. I don’t want to buy a Louis Vuitton bag or pair of Jimmy Choo’s. One thing that a man always has to consider is if he can afford his woman.  If at an early point in his relationship he doesn’t think he’ll be able to give her the standard of living she wants, he’ll walk away. It’s not just about affording your woman. The other part about Michelle choosing H&M is it shows us that Michelle is willing to sacrifice, even at times when she probably doesn’t have to. When you think about how much money was raised for Obama in 2008, there was clearly a budget for Michelle’s wardrobe. Yet somehow, she managed to do it at less than Stacey Dash’s fashion budget on Single Ladies. That’s admirable.

Michelle is not afraid of a little sweat getting in the way of a wash & set.

The next time you’re looking at a picture of the First Lady, take a look at her arms. I’ve got my tickets to the gun show. Michelle is in amazing shape. She is a religious gym rat, and she never hesitates to stress the importance of exercise and eating healthy. (I’m keeping it real, I know that every now and then the First Family communes on some Popeye’s.) Let’s just be honest, a lot of Black women are afraid of the gym because of their hair. That’s a horrible outlook on life and your physical health.

See Also:  She Didn’t Want To Date Me, Because I Was A Black Greek

All things considered, Michelle isn’t an abnormality or a glitch in the Matrix. If there is anything that Michelle does well, it’s being consistent. She has consistently lived a life in which she controls what she can control. She lives a life that supports her family and when needed she leads. While none of us know Michelle personally, based on what we do know, she’s never given us any reason to believe that she isn’t great. If you’re looking at Michelle as a role model, you have to admit that these five points here are what separates the girls from the women. It shows patience, humility and drive. Those are the qualities essential to awesomeness.

– Dr. J


  1. Ehhhh I don't see all the fuss. She seems like she's holding back a lot of anger. I can almost see it boiling up inside her everytime they show her on TV. She has the worst fashion taste I've ever seen in my life. Only a handful of dresses flatter her weird figure. Now she does know how to fix her hair & wear makeup to flatter her, because she is NOT an attractive woman. I expect The Alien to come charging out of her mouth when she opens it, those chopper are something else. Anyway, you spent your post praising her and I didn't mean to spend mine bashing her, I just don't see the fuss. Never have, never will.

    Now PLEASE answer this for me, either you or your readers. How did Obama get so much swag? He was raised by a white woman, grew up outside the US and yes, signs of his inner dork come out sometimes, but the brotha does have some serious swag going on. How did that happen? LOL

    1. Uhmmm…. I will pray for you love. Coz Lord knows the only thing that can save you is prayer.

      *douses herself in holy water*

      1. That's what I was thinking! This coming from someone who doesn't even post her picture!!! And even if you are cute, like Whitney said in Waiting To Exhale, "If you're ugly inside, you're ugly outside!"

    2. Yeah the last picture…

      I know plenty of Black men raised by white women who end up with swag. Appreciation of ones history and background doesn't just come from your mother. And his mother was wise enough to make sure that he had some positive influences in his life. Secretly, I also think Michelle helped him out on this a lot too.

    3. Did you just write the word 'swag' in a sentence in 2012?That makes me weep inside.President Obama has a aura of confidence, accomplishment and maturity that he exudes.Swag is for those who aren't quite there yet but still want to look the part in the meantime.You think Michelle Obama is angry,unappealing with bad taste but the same things can be said about this post.You don't see the fuss because you don't understand the fuss and are not trying to educate yourself either on what the fuss is.If you had the slightest idea of what intrigues many with Mrs.Obama you'd at least know that this post was about far more than just she dresses nice,has nice arms and smiles a lot.You are among many,a new breed of those who find it more important to have an opinion than have an intelligent one.Everything you said was surface characteristics,intangibles that don't matter in the realm of things which is probably part of the reason you didn't get the post.Basic people have basic thoughts and basic comments.

    4. Swag does’nt develop through who raised you. Its inbedded in you. He’s a brotha through and through and they have a natural swag that can’t be matchec by no other race…….Where was he raised outside the USA?

  2. You just gave me five reasons why I could be Michelle Obama… But I'll just stick with TheWhittiest 🙂

    Good post. 🙂

    1. To be frank, "most" men don't have what it takes to walk a day in his shoes the same way "most" women don't have what it takes to walk a day in hers….but dwelling on that wouldn't lead anywhere productive. Besides, far fewer men can be found idolizing him.

        1. self-fulling prophecy??? maybe but it happened a lot more than once in this post. probably by people who didn't even read the comments section before they posted their views.
          My recent post Take Me Back to 1953

    2. lol I mean if you want us to have those Michele like qualities you have to bring a little Barack to the table yourself. It’s a two way street. Now yes some women can read this post, and adjust their attitudes, the thing is once they do will there be a Barack around worth sharing those qualities with.

    3. I could do that post, but it would be pointless. How many men do you know who actually change their profile picture to Barack? I think we are all very aware that we either have what it takes or don't have what it takes. That post would go double wood on SBM.

  3. Good Post Doc.
    We have observed the same tendencies with the ladies and even on the male side(barackaspires). But in perspective there is nothing like striving and working hard like they continue to do. Same work ethic, compromise etc that we all have the ability to do. I would say more but we never know what goes on behind closed doors and for the sake of some good , I'm thinking positive.

  4. I love your post (as a black woman)…but there is a BUT. I just think saying that not many black women can be like Michelle is a little negative. I guess I do not see white men saying why their women cannot be this or that in a public setting. Just like Michelle keeps her quarms in private, maybe us bloggers should to. Had you said here are some things you can do to be like Michelle, you would have been able to relate to those private conversations in the car. However, you chose the yelling in the street tactic and knocked black women down from the getgo. Overall great post, just keep our issues private Mr. President, I mean Singleblackmale.org.
    My recent post Alpha Female vs Alpha Male – PMS “Cramp of the Day”

    1. I agree, shaming has never brought about change without resentment. As well as this couple works together, you better believe there was times when MIchelle cried because Barack said he would make something and he was held up at Springfield. The reality: you cannot order a partner to any specification, and you cannot wait till you have said specifications to act right. Michelle most likely had the prototype but her years with Barack further refined the process. Many things can cut/polish a diamond but its only another diamond that will not be destroyed in the process. You are seeing the result of work. A friend told me 9/10 times when you see a someone who has all his stuff together he is married and 1/10 times he's engaged.

      1. "The reality: you cannot order a partner to any specification, and you cannot wait till you have said specifications to act right."

        OMG!!! I LOVE this line rightchere! 🙂

    2. i agree.

      i think the points about Michelle Obama highlighted in this post are great – because she is ALLADAT and more. and she is the successful person she is today and married to the now-most powerful man in the world because of these qualities. but the tone that women "cant be" like this because x, y ,z is a little off putting and i can see why so many women are defensive. no one wants to feel like theyre being put down from the gate.

      that said… i think many of us women who wanna be Chelly O pullin Barry Os do need to more critically examine our situations in order to understand what it takes to be that and have that. so often we want to put the blame and responsibilities on others about what we do and dont have. as a young black woman making moves, i cant really be concerned about what men arent doing to lock a great thing like me down. i can only take care of myself and make sure im the best me i can be and that i truly do have something to bring to the marriage partnership table. the RIGHT man WILL come. and i feel confident that ill be ready for him when he does, and i will see far past his "qualifications" to know he is good enough.

      well done, Dr. J.
      My recent post My God vs. My Country

  5. She's not a personal role model, but she definitely appears to be a great one. I like her confidence, the way she carries herself, and how she acts as a strong supporting cast for her partner. One thing about her supposed foresight and courage to date down, though: you have to credit Barack here for his persistence. If he had given up at the first or second no, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I see a lot of guys here & elsewhere talking about how they're out at the slightest indication that the interest is not mutual. That hasn't been my personal experience, but it's something I've noticed.

    1. This is unrelated to this post, but I think I remember you mentioning having spent some time in Southeast Asia. (I apologize if I'm mistaking you for somebody else!) I would love to ask you some questions about your experience, if you don't mind. Is there any way I can contact you (e-mail)? Thanks! 🙂

      1. Sure thing. My email's ssogbesan@gmail.com. lol It was so long ago and I was rather young, so I hope I'm able to offer some useful feedback. I'm about to hit the sack, so please forgive me if you do not receive a response until sometime tomorrow. =)

    1. I was going to say the same. I think the title should "5 reasons why you CAN be Michelle Obama". None of those things are any different than my daily live. I lurv me some H&M, never argue in public, and have been very patient with a man whom most of the judgmental world might consider "dating down" because he is a Mechanic.

    2. Snuggle this comment right here. I feel that you'll hear this type of comment a lot today.

      Ask Black men if they feel like the attributes mentioned in this post today are the majority or minority. Are there a lot of Black women who possess the traits? Yep. The majority? Doubt it. Also, don't discount the point that I said, Michelle is able to do all these things at the same time. I find that you may find a woman with a few of these but finding the whole package is rare.

      1. All I'll say is you need to understand you're demographic. You have a lot of smart, upwardly-mobile, educated Black women reading this site who, more than even the "general" Black female population, fit the bill of this supposedly impossible standard. Hence the frequent dissent you're going to see today.

      2. I agree with KitKatCuty, you shouldn't be surprised to see a lot of dissent but maybe you like the controversy. I'm not really sure what you expect black women to say — "yeah you right Dr. Jay, it's a lot of blacks females tryna be Michelle, that just don't have what it takes!" Like…no. I'm a black woman with a lot of strong black women around me who possess all of these attributes, and it is the majority for me. And even if it wasn't, what's the motivation behind stating it?

  6. on dating down: majority of male humans can hardly stand their woman partners be more successful than they. the ego's to big and resentment may ensue.
    So even if one possesses the qualities of the almighty michelle, they arent too many obama's running around here either.

  7. Yep Michelle is totally awesome. I aspire to be like her. Meaning, I'm actively working towards that goal. Meaning, I'm not there yet, but I believe I can do it. One day. In the near future. I hope.

    I definitely agree that all these things make her awesome, especially the dating "down" thing. Before I was like whatever, Michelle wasn't dating down, he was a Harvard Law grad. But I started talking to a guy who is a few years behind me in school. Same age, doing the same thing… just a few years behind. I can tell that he's really smart will likely end up eclipsing me in terms of career later down the line, but that would be way wayyyy down the line. And I'm about to graduate so there would be several yrs where I would be employed and he'd still be in school. I'm not really used to that, I'm used to it being the other way around. When he first approached me I was totally just talking to him the way I would any other mentee, and then he started asking me to places by ourselves, and I was like "this child cannot be serious" lol.

    It lends an interesting tone to our interactions cuz I have to put on my "mentoring/big sis" hat sometimes, and then take it off and put the more "traditional, let the guy take the lead" hat (cuz that's my preferred relationship dynamic). I have to find ways to give advice and be supportive while not being overly authoritative and condescending. Its not as easy… there's an art to it. And nobody really teaches you how to do that you know?
    My recent post Life is funny.

  8. I do adore the First Lady. I think she is beautiful and I just love the way she carries herself with such grace, but also shows that she knows how to have fun. I too find fault with your charge that "we" can't be Michelle Obama. It's quite presumptive of you to make such a judgment about your audience, your readers. That's all I'll say about that.

    I love how men talk about how wonderful Michelle Obama is, and how if they found a woman like her, they would lock her down. PULLLLEASSSEE! You probably have met a woman like her, but because her looks didn't conform to the eurocentric standard of beauty, I'm pretty sure she was overlooked, but if you say so…

    And fyi, dating a Harvard man can hardly be considered dating down. I don't care what kind of car he drove at the time.
    My recent post How the Friend Zone Can be a Step Towards the End Zone

    1. "And fyi, dating a Harvard man can hardly be considered dating down."

      LOL actually, it can for certain women, and it would have been for her. There are some women for whom dating a guy who wen't there, ANY guy who went there, would be dating up. But everywhere you go in life, ppl find a way to separate and stratify themselves, often on some truly arbitrary ish. So there are some ppl who would feel like they were dating down. Its all relative.

      But I don't think its really about where he went to school, I think the big thing is, you'd have to be a special type of women to where dating a man like BARACK would be dating down. Cuz I would put him in a special class of HLS grads (or really ppl in general). I mean, hundreds of ppl graduate from HLS per year, most don't come close to doing what Barack did. That's what's so great about it. I mean Barack is the POTUS and you can see he still feels like he married up and lucked out with Michelle. He is totally smitten with her. As he should.

      I do agree with you in the sense that the post does have a negative slant on it, which is unfortunate cuz I think it could be a really great piece if we just rearranged some of the wording. It would have been a great motivation sort of piece, like "Here's 5 THINGS you can do to make yourself AWESOME like MICHELLE OBAMA" but instead he said "Here's 5 reasons why you CAN'T be awesome like Michelle Obama", which is just weird. But he might be one of those ppl with the "half-empty" approach to things. I dunno. But I probably would have framed it differently lol.

      1. It is relative, but in most circles, Harvard is an extremely prestigious school and Michelle didn't come from some highly affluent family, so at the very least, the comment doesn't apply to her.

        Most Presidents of the US went to either Harvard or Yale. People are acting like she did Barack a favor. Barack is handsome, tall, intelligent and cool, and obviously a leader. She came up, too!

        My recent post How the Friend Zone Can be a Step Towards the End Zone

        1. Right?! Worst case scenario was Barack would be what a career senator? Let's not pretend she found this dude at McDonalds and built him up to president.

        2. I know plenty of Harvard Law grads who aren't in politics or actually practicing law. Let's not downplay Barack's ambition.

        3. Thank you Malik. I think the only thing that stopped her from accepting his first advance was that they work togther and she was his boss. As a boss you don’t want to always mix business with pleasure. Other than that she picked a man with a huge amount a actually potential. She was his mentor because she knew he would do great things even if it wasn’t being POTUS.

        4. But people are acting like Michelle didn't go to HLS herself. Law students date within their class all the time, so I'm sure Michelle was dating around in law school, and there's the B- school, the med school and so on. She also went to Princeton undergrad. Point being, her network was probably full of ppl with resumes similar to hers, that's why I don't think you should fixate on the school too much. She likely had a lot more options in terms of guys to choose from than most. Barack was just another one, except he was her junior.

          And Michelle made more money than him for most of their marriage, b/c the sectors of law that he went into were less lucrative than hers. She had to financially support the family and his career aspirations, even when he was losing major elections in Illinois and stuff. Barack talks about it in his book. Even he will admit that Michelle took a chance on him. That's where the whole dating "down" idea comes from.

        5. "And Michelle made more money than him for most of their marriage, b/c the sectors of law that he went into were less lucrative than hers. She had to financially support the family and his career aspirations, even when he was losing major elections in Illinois and stuff. Barack talks about it in his book. Even he will admit that Michelle took a chance on him. That's where the whole dating "down" idea comes from."

          Exactly…I coulda co-signed this instead of posting my comment below, LOL…

        6. They don't wanna hear you, though, lol. All great points here. Dating down is relative and I believe it applies here.

    2. I didn't say all or most of you can't be. I just said, "you." First comment on the post today was someone saying, "I possess all these qualities." That's how I would expect someone to respond if they felt they met and exceeded these points today. Trust, there is someone who is reading who needed the message. Even it's just one, or even if it's someone we know and we need to forward this to them.

      1. There is really no way to defend using the word "you," so I'd advise you just let that go.

        What if they DO possess all those qualities?? Are you hear to break their spirit, steal their mojo, nab their confidence?? We should be trying to build each other up instead of tearing each other down. I'm not Michelle Obama, nor do I want to be, but she is a hell of an example of a good woman, which I have always strived to be.
        My recent post How the Friend Zone Can be a Step Towards the End Zone

    3. It's quite presumptive of you to make such a judgment about your audience, your readers. That's all I'll say about that.

      When did he direct this to the readers?

      "You probably have met a woman like her, but because her looks didn't conform to the eurocentric standard of beauty, I'm pretty sure she was overlooked, but if you say so… "

      Who hurt you?! LMAO! Does Michelle fall into eurocentric beauty standards? Cmon now.. we are using emotional triggers and cliches as crutches again!

      My recent post Happy 4 Year Anniversay: StreetzTalk.Net!

      1. "When did he direct this to the readers?"

        Uh, not to be nit-picky, but aren't ALL posts to readers? Is there another way to consume written words? I don't think she was way out in left field to assume he was directing this to readers. Some of the dudes this site are pretty snarky in response to legit responses…

        1. @ or dap madame. Was I snarky right there? It was clear the reader took it personal and I thought it was silly.

          So this blog was directed to tell our male readers why they cant be MO? We write articles for public consumption. J already stated that some people needed to hear the message. If we said "WHY SBM READERS" then yeah, you can say its directed at you. People who dont read us frequently still read us (#fakedeepstatement) so.. I would have to disagree.
          My recent post Happy 4 Year Anniversay: StreetzTalk.Net!

        2. "It was clear the reader took it personal and I thought it was silly."

          How was it "clear" that I was taking anything personally? First of all, I would not take some post on a blog by a guy who refers to himself as Dr. J personally. I am contributing to the discussion and calling BS when I read it. If he isn't talking to his readers, who is he talking to? I'll wait…

          I love it when the discussion gets to be too much for yall how you tell people it was written for sh*** and giggles.
          My recent post How the Friend Zone Can be a Step Towards the End Zone

        3. Not going to go back and forth with you all day…

          I have never backed down or shyd (sp) away from a debate on this blog. been doing it before I was writing here and always will. Im stating points and my opinion and your stating yours. Nothing is too much for anyone. Once again you try to insult to take away from the points. Lets not debate in a lazy manner.

          Youre original comment was laced with shots. thats why i said you took it personal. I couldnt care less whether you agreed, but I will call BS on a commenter as well.

          I just find it funny that women will basically say a brother wont date a sister who fits these characteristics because she doesnt fit his "european" sense of beauty. What if that same "european" beauty or lets just keep it all the way real, because you insinuated it, if a "light skin long hair stereotypical chick" had her qualities and a dude dated her…. you would assume the only reason he dated her was because she's "euro" and not ever fail to consider other qualities. Thats a wild way of thinking and just as presumptive as you claim the premise for the title of this blog is.

          I'm wilding tho right?

          My recent post Happy 4 Year Anniversay: StreetzTalk.Net!

        4. You don't have to. You didn't even have to reply to my first comment. But, since you did…

          So, if I don't feel something applies to me, I should just let it ride? I guess you subscribe to same school of thought that thinks it's cool for rappers to call women b****** and hoes. "Hey, they're not talking about me, personally so who cares??"

          What insult? I didn't realize that I insulted you. I apologize if I did. You incorrectly assumed that I took this post personally simply because I pointed out that men meet women with "Michelle" qualities all the time, but won't give them the time of day if they don't look a certain way. This point is evident in the blog posts I read here that @Amaris Acosta so brilliantly pointed out downthread.

          As to your comment about european standards of beauty, I never mentioned qualities such as light skin OR long hair as being of the eurocentric standard of beauty, YOU did.
          I rarely make assumptions about people's relationships. I don't assume why a man chose a certain girl. I don't care enough to make those types of assumptions. I wouldn't even dare assume that Michelle and Barack are as happy as they appear, because the bottom line is, I don't KNOW them. You should learn how to argue instead of taking an "assumption" you made about me (that I assume when a guy is with a light skinned girl, he's only with her because of that), and drawing a conclusion based on that assumption ("that's a wild way of thinking and just as presumptive as you claim the premise for the title of this blog is").

          You said downthread that the article should be taken with a grain of salt and that if what he's saying doesn't apply to me then I shouldn't trip. I agree. All I did was make a comment that maybe YOU took personally.
          My recent post How the Friend Zone Can be a Step Towards the End Zone

        5. U know what? Ill state it differently with an old addage

          "If you were offended by the blgo today then it was meant for you"

          and my point was if I say "5 reasons why women with big foreheads are actually stupid" is that written towards you? its semantics.

          Its friday yall what the f u k?! Yall ANGRY today! (Not you Reecie, the Impersonal You, like Ustedes in Spanish)
          My recent post Happy 4 Year Anniversay: StreetzTalk.Net!

        6. oh I wasn't hardly offended. I actually don't even really put stock into blog titles. I ACTUALLY read the posts. sometimes LOL. today was one of those good reading days.

          but really this was a good post and I did think I might be all of those things except patient. it wasn't until I read the comments was reminded this is supposed to be telling me/us/the undefined "you" what I'm not. OH. and you tried it talking about this aint about yall… really sir? its not. we aint the public? lol. the need to defend it is really what brought it to my attention… 🙂

      2. I'm just saying "you" implies "ME." How should I have taken it? When I write a post (as blogger myself) when I say "you," I'm speaking directly to my readers. And all posts are for your audience, your readers. Otherwise, who is he talking to? Maybe he could have said "why most women couldn't be…"

        Nobody hurt me. I'm just keeping it real. I know plenty of fantasmic women that brothas have overlooked because they didn't look a certain way. That's a no-brainer. Look around you, and stop trying to be PC. To me, she's the total package, but upthread you saw what one of the commenters had to say about her looks.
        My recent post How the Friend Zone Can be a Step Towards the End Zone

  9. What I like most about Michelle Obama is that based on what he has said in interviews she was/is the "wind beneath his wings." He probably would've never ran and would've thought much like the general public had it not been for Michelle's encouragement, Unconditional & Everlasting Love, and support.
    I've heard both Michelle & Barack say in interviews that when he was in school with Michelle he was the "knucklehead" and class clown and didn't take much seriously. Which I think is the main thing that turned Michelle off at first. I think what may have won her over is that he showed, if nothing else, he was serious about her and wanting to date her. I think Michelle made the Prez want to be better and do better and simply brought out the best in him through example. She seemed to always be highly intelligent and on her grind and all about being educated and being the best and wanting the best and expecting the best. So to get close to her he had to get on that level and he did.
    What I first loved about the First Lady is when Barack was campaigning for the presidency, in several interviews when folks asked her point blank why they should vote for him? She answered Honestly and from the standpoint of someone who knew him as a person, not just as her husband and the father of her children. Her response was this – "He has never let me down, Never, Not Once." She went on to comment on how he was always there for her and a truly great father and husband. How he was a good person with a good heart and highly intelligent and sincerely cared about other people. How he was never a selfish or self-serving person, and how he was a good man. She said as a person, husband and father he had all the necessary qualities to be an excellent president. She boldly said she had the utmost complete faith and trust in him and was his best reference. She also said without ever being asked that even if he was not her husband, she would absolutely vote for him because of those great qualities she listed. This is what made me have mad respect for her. This is why she is a great first lady and wife, imo. This is why he had the strength and courage to win the presidency and won. Because he had a woman by his side who had this level of faith, and trust in him and believed in him this much.

  10. Like you Doc J, I love how Michelle is so down to earth. I remember being at the Dress Barn in Laurel MD and the woman telling me that they sent Michelle's people clothes from there at her request. This is while Obama was campaigning before he was president. Not sure if the woman was telling the truth or just trying to hard sell but that's what she told me. I also like how Michelle is such an advocate for fitness and healthy eating. If it's anything that black folks need to really work to get better at it is that. I've seen a lot of progress on this front in the black community because of her strong influence, which is a great thing.
    Bottom line is this – It takes a hell of a woman to be the wife of the president of the U.S. I admired Hillary Clinton as well and thought she was a great first lady and did a lot in advocating for better health care. I think much like Michelle Obama she was a great support system for Bill during his campaign and presidency and handled the whole Monica Lewinsky situation very respectfully and with a great deal of class. Like you mentioned Doc J never once did Hillary bad-mouth Bill publicly. That takes a hell of a woman to stay publicly quiet and supportive after your man got head from another woman and is accused of affairs and he is the president and it's public.
    I think a good bit of women have what it takes to be like Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton and are much like them. Granted not every woman could do this because it takes a certain type of woman. She has to be strong, mature, classy, know how to handle conflict well, and have the patience of Job sometimes. She has to have the mindset and desire to be 100% supportive to her husband in every way no matter what. Being a support system to the president means more than just showing up. It could mean late nites even when your dead tired and not feeling well, and being on all the time, and dealing with the public eye and pressure from every turn, and being somewhat of a personal assistant to your husband sometimes. It means being his counselor sometimes and anything else he needs you to be.

    1. We'll see, Hillary has always had her eyes on a career in politics so I know the motivation for her silence. While I would like Michelle to be the next POTUS because I think she's brilliant, I doubt she'll pursue a career in politics.

      PS – 2 dresses for $10, Whaaaaaaaaat? Dress Barn is the ish for frugal shoppers.

      1. lmao….only the damn salvation army has 2 dresses for $10.00 Doc J. Dress Barn is not Lord & Taylor but it's not the salvation army either….lol
        The only thing I ended up getting out of there was some cute jewelry and a scarf.

      2. Also wanna point out in Hillary's defense I think she can hold her own very well and didn't need to keep quiet on the strength of being Bill Clinton's wife. Even if she showed publicly her displeasure at Bills indiscretions and chose to divorce him women especially would still respect her because she was the victim and Bill Clinton wronged her.
        Regardless of how she handled that situation she would still be where she is right now.

  11. There are other types of men that it's not easy to be married to also though. Pastors, Actors, Musicians, Deacons, Bishops, and just any man in a high position, like a VP or President of a company. I don't think Bill Gates wife and Donald Trumps wife has an easy life when it comes to having to be on and your life being so public and having to support a man with that level of success and noteriety. Not to mention having to deal with all the other women who would love to be you and have your man and your life. And if your a mom and you have kids thats a whole nother ball of wax to deal with.
    Not every women have what it takes to be the wife of those types of men either. Most times I think men like this choose their wives very carefully and try to ensure that they are the type of woman who can hold it down in their position and do it looking fly and do it well.
    Last point is in a nutshell what Michelle Obama has more than anything is a hell of a lot of responsibility as the wife of the first black president and is held to an extremely high standard and huge accountability.
    Even women that have what it takes to do what she does, do not want that level of responsibility and accountability, and there is nothing wrong with that.
    I'm sure she probably really thought about if she could handle everything that would come with him being President of the U.S. and was willing to take on that responsibility. I think she is doing a great job in her role. Much respect for the first lady.

  12. FLOTUS flower bomb…firefly…*miguel voice*

    What really stands out on your list is the patience part. To wait until mid 30s to hve children and THEN have Barack want to get into politics takes A LOT of patience on her part. Everything else i won’t hold against the average sister. Plenty of women are dating students, looking fly for cheap, staying in shpe and dont need to pull a couple secret service men away from Columbian prostitutes to ensure privacy as she chin checks her man. To those women i also salute (insert an emoji or suttin here).

    1. I'll just piggy back on this. I totally agree with you. What I love about Michelle is that I saw so many different black women I admire…women from my tangible environment…in her. Opinionated and classy. Intelligent and relaxed. Independent and dependent (see what I did there, Slim, lol). A leader who's willing to yield. Stylish. She is the epitome of the average black woman to me…loving, hard-working, nurturing, supportive, fun, intelligent…a complete departure from the way the media would have the world to think the average black woman is…loud, bossy, etc. Its like someone I know is in the White House…chilling…living. Actually, that's what I love about them as a couple. They seem normal…but with SUPER cool jobs, lol…

      1. I see a lot of stuff about her when she wears stuff from White House Black Market and Target and such. But she also knows when to pull out the good stuff.

        Dr. J did forget one thing though. She's all of this PLUS she's got a donk! My hubs pointed that out for us. lol Ya'll have a good Friday!

  13. I don’t generally comment on the articles posted, but let me say first that I’m an avid reader andfan of SBM. I think your perspective is one that’s enlightening to women who are, or wish to, date black men. We appreciate it…With that being said, I take SERIOUS issue with number five on your list. I am a woman who takes her health very seriously, as does my fiance who’s an active-duty Marine. I work ott, and feel that an exercise regimen is vitally important to a healthier, longer life. I also take my hair game seriously.

    I’m certain I, and many women reading this blog, could do a hell of a lot more on the exercise side if I knew I’d have a hair stylist waiting to keep my wash and set tight everyday. I’m sure many of the other “regular” women who read your blog would see our stylists daily if we could, but budgets generally do not permit that. I know personally that I would work out much more than I do if that were a possibility. Exercising makes you feel tons better, and I thoroughly enjoy it. Personally, I also love to swim, but that has to be carefully planned out around the rest of my life because there’s not just the workout time to consider, there’s the time it takes to redo your own hair. That’s not a problem Michelle has.

    My point is that it’s not fair to compare us on that issue, as though we’re deficient. Our “regular” men wouldn’t want to see our hair looking a mess just to say we work out everyday, and most men AND women aren’t able to shell out the cash for Michelle’s hair resources. With those same resources, I could absolutely meet EVERY ONE of the Michelle standards on your list.

    1. I agree. The hair/exercise thing is hard. The fact that I don't work out is really the only thing that on list that I don't already do…. but there are numerous other traits and accomplishments that weren't listed that Michelle has that I don't so I still look to her as someone to aspire to be like. Fortunately, I was blessed to have the sort of frame where I don't need to do much work to maintain it, but I'm young now. That tends to go away with age.

        1. I'm a woman with naturally curly hair. Since I went to hair school I will say this to the ladies. No matter your hair type you can work out, sweat it out , and still maintain the do. Get ya pens and notepads out….I'm bout to school yall.
          Ladies throw on a scarf, put your hair in a very tight bun, or pull it up in a pony, throw on a cute bandana scarf and leave ya hair out in the back and throw on some cute hoop earrings and still look fly, do some exercises at home so you don't have to do so much sweating at the gym. I learned to belly-dance on demand. Do line-dancing, or Zumba. Great workouts that typically will not sweat your hair out too much. Throw on a cute baseball cap and put the hair in a pony if it's long enough. Do it Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation style. Throw on a different kinda hat, the one we call a wig. Last but not least ladies, quit being lazy and just wash and condition after you work out and use a wet to dry flat iron if u want it back straight and cannot blow dry. If you got a friend working out with you or a friend you can call have her blow-dry and flat iron for you and throw her a couple dollars. If you want body and your hair isn't very thick (like mine isn't) use something called a diffuser while you blow-dry. If you have a friend blow-dry for you ask them to do it "Dominican Style" with the brush and the blow dryer to get it more bone straight. You don't necessarily have to do the roller set they do, that's just done for xtra body and fullness. Get yourselves a good, reasonably priced sit under dryer from the hair store or Sallies and get the roller set rollers in whatever colors and sizes you want and roller set your own dang hair and sit under your dryer and read a book, work on ya laptop, watch t.v. and sip a glass of wine or ya fav drink. Or leave a little conditioner in it , holding, molding, curl defining mousse and/or gel and let it be curly after you wash it, (if you have naturally curly and chemical free hair like myself).
          Ladies, yall dont' mind sweatin that hair out when ya man is blowing ya back out right?????? Let's keep it 100.
          I don't know bout yall, but I have Never and will Never Not get my back twisted up & have mad, passionate, wild, crazy "chex" (as yall call it) cause I'm worried about my damn hair, that I can do my damn self if I have to. NEVER! Bree looooooooooooves chex waaaaaaaaaaay too much for dat.
          So ladies, no more excuses bout the hair please & thank you.

    2. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I understand the black woman's hair struggle balance with working out on a regular basis. All I can comment on is what I have seen from "regular" black women in the circle of people I am familiar and many agree with you….also, I know many that work out 4-5 times a week (sometimes multiple times a day) and don't seem to have a problem with their hair. I'm utterrly confused about this, too….but I just chill and let them do them. Both types of women's hair looks good.

      The only conclusion I can draw is that the women that seem not to plan their workouts around their hair and get it in whenever they'd like have some sort of deal with the devil for their soul or something, lol.

    3. I feel you on you point, HOWEVER, if I had a dollar for everytime i heard a woman of color complain about hair struggle as reasons why they didnt goto the gym, I wouldnt be writing this blog because Id be on a beach rich sippin mai Tais with Tata (aite mama…)
      My recent post Happy 4 Year Anniversay: StreetzTalk.Net!

    4. I call bullshiggity on this. Is it hard to keep your hair on point and have a regular exercise regimen? Sure. But is impossible? Not at all. It really just comes down to a matter of priorities. If keeping your salon 'do fresh as possible trumps your interest in the gym, then cool. But don't act like the things are mutually exclusive. And yes, more money makes it easier, but just because Michelle's not doing it herself anymore doesn't mean it doesn't take just as much time to get it done.

      The moral of the story is, once you see excercise and fitness as a requirement and not an option, you find ways to work around it….and there's more and more way to protect your coif as much as possible while still getting a workout in.

      This is not specifically directed at you, since you stated that you do go workout. But I know too many chicks who claim that their perm is the reason why they haven't gone to the gym in six months **side-eye**
      My recent post inomallday: @simplepaperman fyi Jenram Greg and I are doing Happy Hour at the Harlem Tavern after work if you're free. You're always welcome 🙂

  14. Great post… But there are who women possess those qualities; it takes a certain type of man to bring them out/make them worth showing. To me even though Michelle might have dated down in terms of career title, she still picked a man with a whole heap of potential. I remember when she described her first date with Barack, it was something so simple yet so special. Also I’m sure Michele didn’t play the complete backseat (as far as her career goes) until Barack actually put a ring on her finger/ made a complete commitment to her and only her. There are men out here who want you to take the backseat and you guys are just bf & gf.

  15. Side note: Maybe it’s just me but some men have this thing where they require more from their woman than they do of themselves. For example Men want us to be patience with them, cool no problem, now I need you to be just as patience with me when it comes to the things you want that I’m not ready to give up. Cool you want me to stay in shape and go to the gym, yet the only work out you get is watching NBA TV. You want me to handle are qualms in private, no problem just when we get home in private don’t ignore me, or get angry when I decide to talk about.

    1. You hit a nerve for me. I run into men who are pretty out of shape but are very clear that they want a fit woman? Really? I am in shape and take care of myself well. So, it bothers me that the men I meet don't seem to think they should be just as physically appealing as they want women to be. What's that about? Talking about wanting a woman in shape while their stomach is hanging over their pants and their boobs are almost bigger than mine!

  16. Cool list about some of the things you believe makes Michelle admirable, but like others said, I'm totally not feeling the title. I originally read it like, #1 who wants to be "someone else"? …I'm being me.

    and next, …who knows why you posed the piece in this light (i.e., in terms of "what you 'cant' do") especially since your list is composed of a lot of qualities that make Michelle "normal": not being a silent partner, arguably dating down, shopping budget savvy, as u say "playing second fiddle" & waiting to have children, and prioritizing fitness.

    Its the fact that this is common that makes them likable (relate-able) attributes of a first lady. Therefore, these are qualities young girls 'can' aspire to have, these are qualities we young ladies 'can' have, and these are qualities many women 'can' continue to have.

    …whether a future "Pres. B. Obama" overlooks you, or peeps you and goes after you.

  17. I loved your piece and agree, but i feel you were negligent in discussing Michelle Obama’s father, and his influence in her life. Whenever I hear african american women being criticized and such although i concur, I feel it is nonetheless unfair because this discussion cannot be held without discussing how trifling and absent many fathers have been. This woman was raised and loved by her father, a wonderful model for what characteristics make for a good man, and what a positive mutually beneficial relationship is supposed to be like. While i agree sir, you must qualify this with a larger discussion of what difference it makes when a man in in their daughters life vs. When they are not. That discussion can be qualified, and so on in a seemingly infinite redress until we get to understanding our history and how it contributes to the family unit or lack there of we see today.

    1. Ooooooooh I feel you! I totally didn't go into that. However, I find that even women without fathers still go on to be very awesome. But it is a great thing for a daughter to have her father in her life. Well, provided he's a positive influence.

  18. I think what most (black ) men admire about Mrs. Obama is that she's relateable– the fact that she could be high-society,pomp and circumstance but she's not , is what we like about our first lady. In addition to this, she is reflected as a "stand by your man" type of woman. This is all well and good but PLENTY of women are like this. The major difference is that she is under a microscope and we know her life forwards and backwards. It's easy to say she's a perfect example of what black women should strive for when you can see the whole scope of her. However, when you initially meet "Latoya" from around the way– who dresses conservatively, of moderate good looks and may be too busy for you because she's focused on her career– are you (men) REALLY checking for her like that? Or are you too busy breaking your neck to gas up the chick with the "mean shoe game and a nice bubble?" Men overlook this type of woman everyday and it's kind of sickening to hear men gripe about the lack of quality women when their sights AREN'T set to look for quality. Guys play a lot of games until they realize they're over 30, single and all of their homeboys are starting to settle down… NOW there's a sudden urgency to find wifey material. I know plenty of dudes that say they knew some really good women back in college but they were still in player mode that they messed up a good thing. Who's fault is that?? . I say there are plenty of "Michele Obamas" walking the earth, but are you truly ready to receive that type of woman?? More than that, have you lived your life in a way that you DESERVE that kind of woman. If not, quit bitchin and stick to the women you attract.
    My recent post Hi. My Name is Tokyo Brown….and I Facebook Stalk!

  19. Michelle dated down? Michelle dated a man attending Harvard University Law School and because he was so brilliant he was hired as an associate at Sidley Austin law firm though he was only a first year law student (which is unheard of). She did not date down she dated someone who is smart, had potential but beyond that he had drive to use that potential to be something. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exxrkOxnGjw

    You made it sound like Michelle dated some bum who said "you know I'm going to be the president." Obama was already making moves to be something in life.

  20. Considering us womanfolk have taken quite a hit this week, I'd like to present a bit of a tongue in cheek playful, joking-ish analyis of….


    1) Barack didn't let a little thing like a "Big City" distract him when he found quality. https://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/01/13/the-tru
    A quality woman like Michelle has probably passed you by five times today, but since you SWEAR you can "always do better"….

    2) I'm pretty sure Barack took some initiative instead of waiting… https://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/04/25/do-men-
    ..or else she may have never known he existed.

    1. 3) Barack. Persued. Her. https://www.singleblackmale.org/2010/12/14/men-cha
      Persued. Chased. Courted. Call it what you want, he put in effort with no real indication that there would be a positive response.

      4) Michelle is Black. You're still searching for your perfect Latina. https://www.singleblackmale.org/2010/10/07/are-bla
      **walks away, hands in pockets whistling**

      5) At the end of the day, Barack saw the positives of being married, even as a young-ish dude. https://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/03/22/why-bla
      You don't get past a decade lamenting your lost freedom at every turn. And a woman like THAT is not going to just be someone's girlfriend.

        1. LOL, I think a LOT of dudes don't realize that the majority of our stubborn-ness/attitude/ rolled necks-edness is the female equivalent of the male emotional laziness discussed earlier this week. There are a TON of Michelle's, they just aren't going to take the time to be that person for the average Tyrone. Women need JUST as much "emotional motivation" as men is that regard to be the woman you need. But brothas "be" expecting us to be supernovas when all they are giving us are meteors from the very beginning of a relationship. It. Just. Won't. Work.

        2. I mean, I get it. This was definitely well played and I'm glad none of my old posts made your list. The only thing I'd say is that you have no idea how many women came before Michelle. So, your 1-5 might be generally true (as far as we know) of Barack and Michelle's situation. And all those qualities you ascribe to Barack are probably true now.

          But I'm quite certain there are at least 1 or 2 women out there who are looking at Barack like "this n*gga got the whole world fooled. I'ma let him cook though, for the good of the people."

          And they're probably looking at Michelle like "My height, my size, my weight????? …. Doggystyle!!!!"(<—- Drink on me in DC to the first person that knows that reference.)

          I'm speaking from experience here. Behind every happily married man there is usually a trail of women whose hearts that man broke at some point. There's no doubt in my mind that Dr. J will at some point make some woman a very happy wife. And when he does, a lot of what you've pointed out here will be forgotten or forgiven, except by those who were there to actually experience… and except of course folks who read SBM's archives. It's the same with Barack's past.

        3. I am trying to refrain on commenting as I kinda think I said enough, but I will say that I 100% agree with you. And I'd like to point out that the REVERSE is 100% true regarding the original post. NO one knows if Barack was the first man she acted like that for, either. They may have both been each others exceptions, and they consciously chose to grow from there. You can't just say, "this is why", without acknowledging that maybe, just MAYBE…..this just MAY be why she (imaginary woman) can't be Michelle Obama….for YOU (imaginary man).

        4. "Behind every happily married man there is usually a trail of women whose hearts that man broke at some point."

          great point. i was actually thinking about this the other day. when i finally decide to settle down there might be some hurt feelings. *shrug*
          My recent post Take Me Back to 1953

        5. Amaris you killin em right now! We need to put all your comments on a t-shirt, coffee mug, plaque or something.

      1. This? Right here??? Is what I'm talking about! And the links to previous posts is a very, very nice touch Ma'am.

      2. Lol! All of these points are easily addressable, but considering this is in jest I'll say kudos for the taking the time to find/remember these links and applaud ya.

        BTW, what exactly is "young-ish"? They first started dating when Barack was 28 or so and married when he was 31…25 and 28 for Michelle, respectively.

        1. "All of these points are easily addressable…"

          Likewise…and you must consider the individual. We…women and men…aren't made with cookie cutters, lol…

          I see your age point…though most of y'all 28-31 yr olds still aren't trying to get married *cough* WIM *cough* lol. How about if we change that to "willing to get married while still working to acheive goals/build a career"…oh, I'll wait, lol…

        2. Although I can't necessarily speak for WIM (while I believe he would agree with me here), but I'm assuming "trying to get married" means would like to get married and if met the right woman wouldn't hesitate to do so. As far as "willing to get married"….well…it kinda sounds like the same thing to be honest with you, lol. I guess you can create slight distinctions if you wanted to in order to prove a point, though.

        3. I actually meant "trying to get married right now". I picked on WIM cause, if I remember correctly, he admitted to letting a few good (Michelle-level, maybe?) one's go cause he was NOT ready to get married. Several of the guys have commented here and there that, for them, when they get married is more about who's around once he decided he was ready for marriage. That's the card I was pulling…

          There's no one approach though…of course.

          And yes, thats what I want, lol…

        4. 1) Actually I do want to get married and I am fairly positive I will. However, it is a goal not a mandate. As Most alluded to in one of his comments, I took the stance a long time ago with my writing that it doesn't matter if I anger all women on Earth by telling my opinion of the truth. Really all that matters to me is that I keep the woman in my home happy.

          2) There's a different between wanting/trying to get married and settling, which I plan never to do. I must also note that I'm 29, not 49. lol The average man (of all races) gets married at age 28, so I think I'm doing fine.

          3) In reference to your point about passing up a few Michelle Obamas. The primary reason most of my serious relationships didn't work out is because I graduated school with about $30k in debt. I decided it was a priority to be debt free (which I will be this year). Frankly, I couldnt – speaking for self – find a woman that was willing to make the sacrifices and concessions necessary to achieve that goal with me. I wonder how many women will be as quick to leave when I have a zero debt to 6 figure ratio income though? I believe that says less about Michelle Obama and more about the type of women that exist in real life. BUT, 3a) yall will just say it's the type of women I'm dating because all of yall and every woman you know are exceptions to every rule 3b) clearly women know more about the type of women available for men to date, even tho men date women and I'm not sure how many women y'all have dated but… 3c) I'm sure everyone on this website is exactly like Michelle Obama and embodies all the points J mentioned, so clearly I too am talking about everyone except anyone that reads (not just comments on) SBM.

          *rides into the sunset on Unicorn*

          My recent post Study: Men are dumb

        5. First, I just want to pluck the word "picking" from my comment, lol. You explained #1 & #3 (for the most part) in posts/comments before. Trust and believe, I ain't mad at ya at all…your life, your choices. I'm not playing the role of Sista Soulja on SBM…today, lol. I was picking with you…

          …and let's not debate the common use of the phrase "settling down", lol..

          "Frankly, I couldnt – speaking for self – find a woman that was willing to make the sacrifices and concessions necessary to achieve that goal with me." <— I don't remember this statement though. Kinda sad…and kinda strengthens Dr. J's "realizing potential" point…which I co-signed already.

        6. All good. I think you (y'all) know I roll with the punches pretty well. Seasoned veteran here, rolling with the punches takes the sting off; every fighter/writer knows that lol

          Anyway, Kinda sad…and kinda strengthens Dr. J's "realizing potential" point…which I co-signed already. Exactly. Maybe I'll write about this one day but it might be a ways off because it is admittedly a sore point for me (and I think many men) and i'm not gonna even front on that. Frankly, women talk a lot of crap about what they do and dont do and what they friends do and dont do. Financially speaking, that hasnt been my experience. I put emphasis on "my" because I dont want people to say I'm talking about all women, which since I havent dated all women is never the case and is in fact, a dumb ass retort lol but that's neither here nor there. Put it like this:

          1) In high school going after high school girls, they were like "hold up…I'ma let you finish but I'ma hop on this college cat with the whip. Holla at me when you get to college, bro!"

          2) When I was in college going after college girls. They was like "hold up…I'ma let you finish but I'ma date this corporate baller and holla at me when you graduate, bro."

          3) I graduated college and women were like. "Hold up…I'ma let you finish…but I'ma date this CEO while you work your way up the ranks…holla at me when you make that executive pay, bro."

          4) I finally work my way up the ranks predominately on my own (sans family and friends) and now allllllllllll those same women are like… "Hold up…where have you been all this time? I'm readddddddddddy."

          But now she older, bitter from all those dudes she passed me up for, and might even have a few kids by some of them and I'm supposed to drop everything and be like "cool, finally! A consolation prize!"

          Naw. That aint how the game work. Not for me anyway. *side steps*

          My recent post Tattooed people most dangerous people on Earth

        7. LORD knows I understand this ENTIRE POST RIGHT HERE. If I could give it twelve thumbs up I would. And you know what, TRUST ME, it can go either way.__When I met my ex, he was living in a basement.__When we broke up, he owned a four family, a Porsche and a bike.____I'm not bitter, lets just say Im a little "reluctant" about being encouraged to "grow" with a man now. I get it. #KanyeShrug

        8. Your situation is what I like to refer to as "The Starter Wife" it ain't for everybody because sometimes there's no guarantee you will make it to the finish line or be his end goal once he accomplishes whatever he sets out to do. After a certain age I think a woman should think long and hard before taking on this role/task with any man.

          *My 0.02*

        9. Kanye shrug is right. Didn't Kanye have a line about JUST THAT? "And when he finally get on, he leave you a$$ for a White girl. Get down, girl, go 'head, get down."

          Acting like there aren't PLENTY of chicks GROWING with dudes, even SUPPORTING dudes. Shoot, I got conned out of THOUSANDS of dollars standing by my man, but that's a story for another day (or never, lol).

          And I went through similar phases with guys, just with different reasons for why they couldn't get with me NOW. Maybe LATER, when THEY were ready. Nope. I'm like Mya and "Moving On".

        10. And what's crazier is that some of us will hold down bums and pass up real potential. I have no clue why this happens time and time again…

          I'll be waiting on this post…whenever you're ready to gift it…

          And then, you have "The Bernadine Effect"….which is what Amaris just described. Its a gamble both ways, man.

          What's this love thing all about?! smh…

        11. And then, you have "The Bernadine Effect"….which is what Amaris just described. Its a gamble both ways, man.


          No Guarantees

        12. Um…that was the point. The stuff is easily arguable, but considering how I initially took the TITLE O_o (even though I completely 100% agree with the post), I thought I needed a laugh.

          Besides, so far this week, I can't be the awesomeness that is FLOTUS, I may or may not be worth making an emotional effort for as my standards dictate your actions, according to the comments section marriage to you (random man) is one big painful concession of Housewife shows…..and Beyonce is beautiful.

          Yes, I absolutely know that was neither the point, the content, or the intent, of this week's posts. But as a single lady…. my heart did hurt a tad. And considering what is going on right now in the comments section…I may not be alone.

        13. LOOOOVE that dress!! Lookin good with your innocent lil Keshia Knight Pulliam face and all the way grown curves!

          My bad, saw the dress and had to say something… *slips back out*

      3. Preach Amaris……………..Chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch!!
        Cosign on all that. What else is there to say after that brilliant comment.

    2. I don't feel like shots were fired or that I got swiss-cheesed. You can't take a post written by one writer and use that as a comparison point of posts written by another writer. And for the record, when I write, I don't write every post for the masses. I write a post that speaks to a different segment of the readership and reflects a different point in my life.

      I'm actually happy to see my posts on the list. I hope people go back and read them. This is SBM, the source of black male perspective. Not SBM, where we candy coat, identify with you so you feel good, and feed you chocolates while never addressing issues.

      I say that with no hard feelings though.
      My recent post She Wanted My Tea. I Wanted My Lunch.

      1. Thank you. I am glad you noted the complement. If I was really firing shots why would I take time to go thru posts I've read? The only real thing my post showed was that I'm a long time reader/supporter! The ladies/men responding to it were joking around like I was, no one has said anything upthread like "kill yaselves" or anything. We even had a normal discussion about it directly below, discussing how we feel a lot of women have FLOTUS potential, they're just not breaking out the big guns for everyone.

      2. "You can't take a post written by one writer and use that as a comparison point of posts written by another writer."

        Grabbed this from above… —> "I'd like to present a bit of a tongue in cheek playful, joking-ish analyis of…."

        The original comment, the 911 call, the shots fired… all joking and teasing from my perspective. I didn't take anything in this section of today's convo that seriously…

  21. I hate to break it to you, ladies…but you, the boss, dating a member of the staff you supervise is dating down. I don't care what school either of you went to. That is NOT ideal. BUT, Michelle was smart enough to judge his potential and realize that, soon enough, he would, in fact, surpass her…or at least get on her level. And that, my sista friends, is where we need more discernment…judging potential. Once this is done, you can better weigh whether or not its worth it to be patient.

    And I too call shenanigans on Michelle sweating her hair out. If black women had the means and time to fly in Johnny Wright after a work out, I'm sure this would NOT be an issue…

    1. Thanks for clarifying "dating down" for the readers! That bit of the conversation was going off on a tangent that I don't think the writer intended…And Lol@ "call shenanigans" I'm going to have to start using that one :)…I thought I was the only one who found a problem with that particular item on the list.

    2. I actually think people need to really pay attention to what MO is doing with her hair. What she did was find a style compatible with her lifestyle and stuck with it. I will tell you right now, when my hair was her length it was cheaper and faster to maintain (you may not notice the layers, but I do. She has 8 inches of hair MAX on each level, something that takes 45 minutes to do).
      But guess what? I'M NOT MARRIED, and my hair is almost a foot longer, and I have yet to meet a man that will tolerate me cutting it for a lyfestyle change. So I just spend the money.

      1. Yes, I saw the layers. My hair is longer as well, and I recently got a couple of inches chopped, and my fiance almost had a fit right then and there. And, as you know with longer hair, it can be quite a task to do it yourself. I've never spent 45 minutes on hair from wash to wear. *shrugs*

      2. #teamlonghair

        …but I have locs. HOWEVER, it is very possible to sweat out your $60 loc maintenance! Please believe me, lol.

        And cutting my hair is an automatic violation of my relationship contract…I know the struggle, lol.

        1. That is too funny! My friend has in her relationship contract that she must always have a relaxer or perm (I don't know the difference). lol Her hubs will go to the store and pick it up for her. lol

        2. LOL. My dude feels the same way. Even when I just mention trimming he's like, "What? You didn't cut it, did you?" I'm like, "Don't worry! I like having long locs too!". 🙂 He loves the locs and so do I. Sexiest hairstyle, in my biased opinion. 🙂

        3. When I talked about cutting my hair back into layers, I had to explain what that meant, LOL. Its like all my fabulousness is attached to me having this hair or something. Cutting it is on par with cheating?! Really?! *shrugs*

          But, considering I lost it back in the day when an ex went bald, I understand, LOL! Bald does NOT look good on every man. Kinda ruined the visual a bit…

  22. The title of this blog post gave me butterflies in my stomach because I thought OMG … another set of rules that I have to try to adjust to in order to be what is "adored" like Mrs. Obama. I am a SUPER fan of Mrs. Obama because of many of the qualities that were mentioned in this post. I guess my only wish for this post or the ones like it (where it is said what qualities don't like about women – which this post does in a backwards way) is that these are the outcomes … there is no real solution. And I say this with lots of love attached to it … because I am a person that tries to find role models that will help me be a better person however post such as this make progress or change seem like a moving target. It would be kewl if someone could take these five areas and then break them down into separate posts that provide ways / steps / ideas on how to begin to make progress towards having a more "Mrs. Obama" style personality type 🙂

  23. I am sure there are lots of women on here defending their own personality. I will be real and say that … I am no Mrs. Obama so I did learn something from this post. The very first point about when to break out the "black women" so I do appreciate that and that is pretty clear on how to stop that. Sometimes just making someone aware of another option … can help them be a better human 🙂

  24. Women who are offended by this article heed the words of Mason betha

    "It aint a diss if you dont put my name in it"

    Some of yall are #Reacting too much lol…

    This list is obviously taken witha grain of salt and looking at other characteristics other than the obvious you can point out.

    Do you yall lol.
    My recent post Happy 4 Year Anniversay: StreetzTalk.Net!

  25. "If you’re out at dinner with another couple, it’s probably not the best time to complain about personal qualms. However, the car ride home is perfectly acceptable."

    That line is KEY!! I will never forget the time I double dated with B's friend and his wife and she ragged on him the ENTIRE night for not making as much money as she does, not properly watching their son, everything that was happening in their PRIVATE lives, she brought up at a public dinner. It was so inappropriate. I can't imagine what he must hear at home if she's willing to bash him in public. If you aren't your man's cheerleader, then who will be?!?!? (The next chick…)

    1. Well, he def takes some of the blame. I can't imagine doing that to my bf. Not cause I'm scared of him, but because I know he respects himself. After the first comment, he would've told me "we're done" and excused himself from the table, lol…which would've been appropriate.

      I question whether or not the man had a backbone…or self-respect… sad…

  26. The entire Blog Topic is based on a generalization of Black Women. Sounds like a man who doesn't date his own kind. Lame ..

      1. I mean he is referring to black women, what else are black women supposed to think? I'm white and I felt like it was a generalization of black women… not because Mrs. Obama was the inspiration behind it.

  27. Can't say that I'm particularly fond of the title. But, I don't think it's egregiously offensive. I understand the women who are taking umbrage with it though.

    I also don't think Mrs. Obama dated down. I'm just not the kind of person that attaches any more or less value to where a person is and where they have the potential to be, as long as that person has demonstrated their ability to achieve things they set their mind to. Also, the whole idea of dating down is just too subjective. If one person is successful but generally unattractive to the average person's eye and their mate is unsuccessful, but drop dead gorgeous to the average person's eye – who's dating down? If you didn't know them, and only saw them walking down the street, who would you say is dating down?

    That's an extreme example, but it points to the overall futility of using other people's relationships as an example, or model for your own.

    I like the idea of women getting to know all they can about our first lady and learning from her successes. And I like the idea of our men looking to Barack as an inspiration. I don't like the idea of looking to their relationship and trying to glean anything about our own relationships. Love between two people is too personal, and too specific to those two individuals.

    1. "Can't say that I'm particularly fond of the title. But, I don't think it's egregiously offensive. I understand the women who are taking umbrage with it though." <— This best describes my thoughts on the title.

      "Also, the whole idea of dating down is just too subjective." <— I agree that its subjective.

      "I don't like the idea of looking to their relationship and trying to glean anything about our own relationships." <— I don't think you should make any final decisions based off what someone else may or may not have done within their relationship. But, I don't see anything wrong with observing dag near everything around you…including relationships…to help you weigh your own situations and help you determine your own course of action. *shrugs*

    2. "I like the idea of women getting to know all they can about our first lady and learning from her successes. And I like the idea of our men looking to Barack as an inspiration. I don't like the idea of looking to their relationship and trying to glean anything about our own relationships. Love between two people is too personal, and too specific to those two individuals."

      I really liked this point, especially the last sentence. I admire the Obama's separately and as a couple, yet I don't want a relationship like theirs. I don't want a replica of President Obama. Their relationship works for them. I want a relationship that works for me: a match of our strengths/weaknesses and helping us to grow together. The idea that you can find a build a relationship based on friendship, compatibility, and chemistry is beautiful in and of it's self. That's what we all hope for. I still have this spark of a romantic that allows me to think that they were pre-destined to be together, I'm just happy they found each other.

      My recent post U + Ur Hand

  28. Wow, there are a lot of comments. Must be a post about women.

    (Looks and sees Dr. J wrote the post)

    Uh oh…

  29. This is my first time reading one of this guys articles, and it may be my last…

    I hate generalizations and negative comparisons! Why not write about 5 things black women have in common with the FLOTUS?! Oh, that's right, because you would rather push her further out of our reach, than to put us on the same playing field.

    It's like me writing an article titled, "5 reasons why you couldn't land Beyonce/Hale Berry…Michelle Obama…etc…" When it comes to celebrities, my first thought is: people are people…everyone had a start in this world, and 99% of people were nobodys, until they became somebody. (besides the Kennedys! LOL!) And this is the basic of all human life. We all are humans first. From there, there are a LOT of things that make us unique. Different experiences make people who they are, besides unique circumstances.

    And I don't mean to toot my own horn, but besides many black women, I actually embody each of these attributes. 😉

  30. None of the things listed are extraordinary and are actually quite basic so it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that these things can apply to majority of women. I'm sure if you dug a little deeper you could have found some qualities about Michelle Obama that are rare regardless of race, gender, age, etc. I'm not digging because I don't care. I'm simply happy for a woman, especially a black woman to be extremely accomplished, enjoying life, and contributing to the greater good.

  31. I have to agree up-thread where somebody said the title is really all semantics. It's not as serious as it's being taken. But it's easy to succumb to the "I'm not like that", "what kinda women you deal w/", "men ain't trying to be Barack" debate trap.

    Re: the dating down thing: People often say don't become enamored w/ potential, because by its very definition, it's unreliable and unpredictable. However, some women just don't have the discernment to know when potential => dividends. A guy who's attending Harvard Law clearly has a more tangible value of perceived potential than a guy at some generic D3 school making faux Lex Luger beats on Pro Tools. By the nature of even getting accepted to a prestigious school was indicative of Barack's drive and focus. So I don't see how she dated down, she just discerned that her investment in him would pay off handsomely.

    I also don't understand why some women are such stans of Michelle. I mean, no hate on her, but up until 2007, she was just another regular politician's wife supporting her man and balancing work/career/family time. I don't see how she warrants the type of adulation that women give her. It's weird in general how woman are such hardcore fans of certain figures. It's great to aspire to someone that's where you want to be or has the type of life you want. But I doubt many women could/would endure the amount of public scrutiny she's had to deal w/ as a black woman and the BS she's had to listen to being said about her husband. Like Dr. J said in the post, her consistency is what I admire. Not necessarily what she's consistent at relative to everyday women (if that makes sense)
    My recent post Think Like A Man: It’s a Movie, Not a Documentary

    1. I think the most famous/ most visible woman is always going to get more credit. I think its important for women to find role models in their own communities– women that can actually talk to them and mentor them. But seeing as Michelle is FLOTUS, her star is going to shine brighter in many people's eyes. And you are right, not many would actually want her life when the realized all it entails. But that's the thing about celebrities, their image often doesn't fit their reality.
      My recent post Music Review: Big K.R.I.T

  32. *Takes off diplomat hat*

    Can I just say I'm tired of women coming on here saying they'll never read another post, telling us what the title should have been, and generally complaining about the content. When we post something uplifting, not about dating/relationships, that has greater purpose, it gets the crickets. I've concluded that some of yall just like to be angry. You see a headline, the chance to take out your gun, then go flying into the comment section without having read a word of the post. Miss me with all of it. Every molecule. Please.
    My recent post She Wanted My Tea. I Wanted My Lunch.

    1. I was thinking the same thing! I think it funny that one angry commentor will now derail all of your blog post topics to please her. After years of reading this blog I highly doubt you all are pandering for comments.
      For the love of metaphors, do you stop reading/watching the news just because the stories aren't in line with your opinions?
      So interesting…
      My recent post 24 Hours Ago

  33. I see both sides. At first I didn't really read the title so I didn't understand the issue. But now I see what people are getting at. It wasn't the best title but I don't think its a bad post.

    I will say that I don't think women have an unhealthy admiration for Michelle. Most women who sing her praises are younger than her. I'm half her age and while I think I have many of her qualities, they are no where near being fully developed, that takes time. So at the very most I could say by the time I am her age I want to have her qualities in my full possession. Posts like this that point out WHY Michelle is great are good because it identifies what exactly about her other women should strive to be. But some of the beginning stuff could have been left out..

    tis all!

  34. I really love reading your posts and I agree that these are wonderful traits but if you think that all 5 of them is something that the majority of black women do not do then you seriously need to expand your circle. I am all five and I never looked at them as it being some extraordinary trait…I never argue with my man in public (as well as other things I've learned from being the product of a couple married 52 years this year), I work out every day – most days 2x a day, my man was unemployed for the first year of our relationship (can that be considered downgrading? I guess…) and is now one of the hardest working brothas I know 5 years later, I don't wear or buy designer and always always look good – it's one of the things he always remarked about and I do have patience – did I mention 5 years later and I'm still not a wife? He had to find his way first. I understand a man has to get certain things out of the way before marriage and family is discussed and now we are on our way. LOL! My point however really is the fact that most of my girlfriends are the same as me and very few of them are in relationships because the men they date don't recognize these traits as something to hold on to. There are many black women who have all 5 of these traits. Not sure who you come in contact with on a daily basis…perhaps you need to meet some of my friends. 🙂

    1. I feel like women like you run in packs. That's awesome, but i'm sure there are tons of girls who'd love to be in your crew that you are like, "ehhh…." I truly after reading the comments on this post have come to that conclusion. The good girls run in packs.

  35. Mmhmm. *rocks in old lady rocking chair* You ladies make me so proud to have boobies. I don’t have to say NOTHING. You know the women shut it down up in this bish when I dont have anything to say.

  36. OMG. I love it. Dr. J you were right on point. Michelle is a phenomenal woman. She exemplifies The Relationship Chronicles Quote of the day, "Look like a girl, act like a lady. Think like a man and work like a boss… I enjoyed your post. Would you like to be a guest blogger my blog http://www.therelationshipchronicles.com? We would love to hear your thoughts.

  37. I love Michelle Obama aand I believe I posses all of the above traits. I think the difference is the generation, which I share with the FLOTUS and the fact that growing up in a healthy two parent household makes a difference as well. You see what it takes up close and personal to sustain a relationship and the rewards are great but it isn't all rosey all the time. When I read young folks blogs about smashing, and not being able to date someone unless they hava certain phone, or shoes, its no wonder the Black Family is dying.

  38. This post basically says:

    Here black women, this is what's wrong with you
    and many of you bought it hook, line , sinker

  39. i like Michelle Obama, because she reminds me of what we truly are and where we as black women could go. No, we are not all there, and some of us will never get there, but I'm content with the fact that my little girl looks up to her, because she does us proud. Here is a woman who is loving, concerned, a hard worker, no nonsense, and a tigress when it comes to defending her black man and her kids. These are the qualities I admire in her, because they are qualities common to a lot of the sisters I know love and respect. I don't want to be her, because being me is too important a job to be left undone, however media wise I have to say if a black woman has a lack of good role models in her life, she could do a lot worse than to want to be like Michelle.( And I thought the " you won't go to the gym because you don't want to mess up your hair comment was low, especially in light of the post on this blog about the little things men notice, like the chipped polish on your baby toe, and your attempts to go natural which are not appreciated. ) Anyway nice post

  40. Hey! I missed this one the other weekend going through the archives. THIS is how I think men should treat the good women in their community. With admiration.

    Silent partner: I am not. It stresses me out to watch men attempt risky things. I like to strategize. I'm good at strategizing. I'm a born strategist. Just let me take a picture of the world and hand you the plan. I'm opinionated. Trust me on this and I'll trust you to do it.

    dating down: THIS! I get it now. The people who wanted to marry me were dudes in hoodies and sweats and from the "hood"/lower middle class gettin their hustle on and even though I accepted the title of their girlfriend I just couldn't get down with the inevitable conflict of their lifestyles and my morality so, I was a support sytem more so than a girlfriend and it especially never got physical. Now? I wanna date my equal and mastermind his future — to be 100% honest — and he needs to have the resources to allow for that. I can essentially pay for myself if he's willing to do the work. You will be worth 300mil. easy. at retirement.

    Patience: Get outta here. After this last one? na homey. na. lmao. na.

    1. style: I don't buy the clothes I have taste in. I have exceptional taste. It's the fact that I choose clothes based on what appeals to my naked eye and I've found $3,000 mens watches and $500 pants for myself is unrealistic, so I just stick to buying stuff that I think's pretty and that makes me feel good and that looks good on my body type and it's a little expensive cuz I bulk buy (seasonal shopping trips) but it's still affordable.

      wellness: I LOVE getting my hair wet. I LOVE staying in the bathroom. I LOVE working out. I LOVE sweating out all of my stress etc. etc. it just has to be fun for me and it has to be done in a place that makes me feel good. I sorta like or prefer to be full-figured and plump and soft but I also wanna be toned and healthy so it's a balance for me when it comes to health and fitness (or it's supposed to be). I let myself go, hardcore. I'm sick. I don't feel good. I'm out of energy. I need a spark. but only to care for myself and do the chores.

      1. all-in-all. I don't comment when I go through the archives I just try to get a view of men without arguing them down but I caught Cupcakes comment. It got -41; yet that's EXACTLY how black men treat me. Then I read Amaris' comments with like +45 talking about men/Obama. He didn't get swallowed by nightlife — he was ambitious and worked at success. He was honest in his need and desire — he didn't fantasize about other women — he realized what he had. He was man enough to acknowledge who he had in her — he didn't approach her like he lost his mind, and that's what a good woman/Michelle expects. Be an Obama. *bookmarks post and goes through the comments with Ben AND Jerry*


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