I don’t know why, but people like forwarding me links to “interesting” content around the web. Last week was no exception. Someone suggested I check out a YouTube video about a book that came out a few years ago that I’d never heard of, A Black Girls Guide to Dating White Men. The author, Niki McElroy (@DatingWhiteMen), runs the appropriately titled website: TheCreamInMyCoffee.com. I’m not going to read the book but I’d be happy to hear from anyone who has; instead, I took the easy way out and watched a couple YouTube videos featuring a panel of women discussing the book along with the author.
Apparently, the discussion of why black women/men date white women/men is a popular topic on YouTube, since there appears to be an unlimited (and growing) number of videos on the subject. Some are more insightful than others. Some are outright ignorant – with the member of the group dating outside of their race often making racist statements about the race they were born into but choose to date outside of. Of course, this idea of dating white men isn’t new. Just last year, Ralph Richard Banks, a Stanford law professor, suggested in a book and an op-ed for the Wall Street Journal that the key to achieving the dream of marriage for black women actually lies in the arms of white, Asian or Latino men.
However, one YouTube video in particular that caught my eye, clocking over 100,000 views, was Why Black Women Date White Guys by, “BLKBArBieGOnECraZyAh.” I normally don’t heed insights from people wHo TyPe LiKe Dis but I think her justifications are familiar. They include:
- “A lot of black women are starting to date outside of their race because we’re tired of the drama; tired of the headaches; tired of the anger that black men show towards black women. A lot of black women get beat; get mistreated; just don’t get loved by the black man.
- I have yet to meet that particular black guy that’s swooped me off my feet and when I say swoop me off my feet I mean everything: being smart, funny, being intelligent, being logical, being understanding and knowing what they want from their life…versus when you get a white guy or a Caucasian or someone from a different race. I’m not gonna say every black guy. I’m just saying I haven’t met that black guy. When I date outside my race, they tend to be the most sweet hearted guys, ever.
- But a lot of black guys do not like that [more black women are dating white men]. You guys are really bad haters. I cannot believe black guys, yall are haters. When you had a sister, you didn’t wanna do anything and now you’re mad?”
If you think I’m here today to bash black women who date outside of their race, you will be disappointed. Frankly, I recommend it. I’ve never shied away from admitting that I date outside of black women from time to time, so this pot will not be calling the kettle black.
What I do find amusing is people’s excuses for dating outside of their race, especially the fact that they feel they need an excuse at all. If you see me with a woman, not that I care why you think I’m with her, the reason I’m with her is because I feel like it. It’s really that simple. I approach women I find attractive and it just so happens that I find women of varying skin tone attractive. If you see me with a Black woman, it’s because I like her. If you see me with a Spanish woman, it’s because I like her. If you see me with a White woman, it’s because I like her. You might notice a pattern here.
I’m not going to date a black woman I don’t like any quicker than I’ll date a white woman I don’t like – and I’m not going to date a woman I’m not attracted to of any race. There is no vast conspiracy behind my actions, but you are welcome to attribute your own self-conscious justifications upon me if it makes you feel better and sleep easier at night. I wouldn’t want anyone having a restless night’s sleep over me. I’m not worth it.
Regarding my thoughts on the broader population, it seems strange that in order to justify dating outside of your race you have to put down members of your own race. What does that say about you? Sure, you can date outside of your race but you can’t escape your race. If you want to date white men/women, more power to you, but if you have to put black men/women down to justify your actions, I find your motives questionable. As the author of the book points out in her video, dating outside of your race doesn’t mean you’re dating an alien.
A quick editor’s note: if you see (or think, since you have no way of knowing for sure in most cases and could very well be projecting your own insecurities on others) a group of black/white men/women hating on your interracial relationship it is likely because one or both of you is attractive. In my experience, no one, of any race, cares what the ugly people of their race is or is not doing. While you might not like the attention, it is a backhanded compliment that anyone, anywhere cares enough to pay attention to you. Their “hate” likely means you have something they desire in their own lives; whether it be an attractive significant other, love, or even something as simple as happiness.
Having dated women of varied racial backgrounds, I can safely say there is far more that unites them than divides them. Although, it is pretty interesting to hear the misguided impressions white/black women have of black/white women. (For the record, y’all both assume the other is freakier / naughtier in bed. In actuality, y’all are both disgusting, and I love you for it.) I imagine this extends to black/white men, too. This is why I recommend people – if you’re curious – date outside of your race. This should allow you to gain some personal perspective rather than relying on something you heard from a friend of a friend of a friend who happened to go on one interracial date once to watch that Something New movie in 2006.
In my opinion, all you’ll usually find is the grass you believed was so much greener on the other side of the racially ambiguous fence is really just more grass. You’ll find good women/men and bad men/women from all racial backgrounds. Assigning an attribute such as good or bad to a whole race of people simply because you had a bad experience with a few of them is, frankly, dumb. I say a few, because if you’ve had a bad experience with everyone you’ve dated, then what does that say about your choices? You are, after all, the common factor. Therefore, I doubt dating another race will suddenly remedy your poor decision making. For example, I assume if you like black assholes, you’ll only turn around and date white assholes. However, I guess your conclusion will be that all men are assholes.
Perhaps I’m being too altruistic in my views, but I think finding someone that makes you happy is all that matters. Nevertheless, if you finally find happiness with someone of a different race, it doesn’t mean you have to turn around and bash all the members of the race who mirror you but happen to be of the opposite sex. Chill. Just update your Facebook status and enjoy your
temporary relationship bliss like everyone else.
1) Why do (or should) black women date white guys? 2) What are your thoughts on dating outside of your race? 3) Why have you chosen or chosen not to? 4) If you have dated interracially, have your experiences been extremely different? If yes, what are the differences and why do you feel those same qualities were difficult to find in men/women who resembled you?
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