I’ve was involved with a man for about 9 months and as naïve as this may sound, things were great throughout the duration of the relationship. We were in committed monogamous relationship in which he initiated and pursued. Through the entire relationship, he pushed to ‘make it official,’ but based on his lifestyle and age (he’s 27) I sincerely felt he was not ready for the commitment level I’m accustomed to and constantly voice my concern based on his advances. Then finally, after an internal battle with my emotions and fears, I decided ‘okay- I wanted you to be my boyfriend, let’s do this damn thing.’ And he was thrilled- so I thought.
Within 10 days of being an official couple- he breaks it off with me, out of the blue…. Via text. His reasoning ‘he’s not yet ready to be in a relationship and wants to be single.’ His request- ‘I want to stay friends, and take a step back and omit the title.’ Because it ‘scares him.’ My heart BROKE… and still remains broken as I type this email. So my questions is- why would a man push and work so hard to want to be my man, only to get scared and break my heart? I understand men are competitive creatures and it’s evident that chase of making me his girl meant more to him then actually being my man. I wish I can tell you that I’m completely over the punkass, but im not. I’m distraught and in my woman way of thinking- secretly hope he’d see the light and work towards the relationship we both wanted (so I thought). What insight can you give towards men who’ve never had the chance to be in a ‘real’ relationship? And how should a woman approach the situation when her heart is already in it?
Wow. This question is very intricate and has a lot of moving parts! I understand that, at its core, you want to know why he broke it off and what you should do. However, you made a few statements that lead me to wonder whether this union was doomed from its inception.
I feel like a lot of your perspective on the relationship that you have is contradictory. You say that you were involved in a “committed monogamous relationship” with this gentleman for 9 months. In the same breath, you say “I sincerely felt he was not ready for the commitment level I’m accustomed to and constantly voice my concern based on his advances.”
The irony is hitting me in the face like a ton of bricks! You mention his age, which leads me to believe that you are older than him, and question his maturity. For a 27 year old dude to know what he wants, stay committed to you without a title, and constantly express to you that he wants you as his girlfriend, is the antithesis of immature in my opinion. You said that in your opinion, this dude wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, yet you were dealing with him monogamously for 9 months! This sounds like a classic case of role reversal to me. You play the part of the man who deals with a woman for an extended period of time, yet doesn’t want to give her a label. This fellow plays the role of the faithful, smitten lady who gradually becomes infatuated with a man, does the right things, plays the position, and wants more than an “off the books” relationship.
Whether you like it or not, you two had a common law relationship. I call it common law, because you were monogamous and together for 9 months. You did everything that couples do, without a title. By your own word, the only thing that you questioned was his commitment level. After 9 months of imploring you to be his woman, what more commitment proof did you need? You’re standards are more stringent than student loan applications! Now, his actions that you didn’t detail may have contributed to your hesitation to make it official, but I can only advise based on what you wrote. I don’t know any woman who would let a dude go past 4-5 months without making it official, especially if the man advocates constantly! Something else MUST’VE occurred, otherwise, your actions look and feel weird to me.
Why would a man push and work so hard to want to be my man, only to get scared and break my heart?
Easy – He lied to you. Well, maybe not 100% lied, but he didn’t keep it 100% real. You said that “I understand men are competitive creatures and it’s evident that chase of making me his girl meant more to him then actually being my man.” This statement is 50% factual. Men are competitive individuals (I HATE the term creature). However, I don’t think that making you his girlfriend meant more than actually being your boyfriend. I think that he retaliated against you whether knowingly or not. You made this man wait 9 months for a commitment, while doing everything committed people do. If this was one of your girlfriends telling you this story, you would’ve screamed “dump this ^$&*%&” from the high heavens EARLY! This situation equates to a guy who plays a video game with a compelling story. He puts in 25+ hours of effort to get to the ending, and it’s sub par. He reflects on the hours of gameplay, and proclaims “All that work and THAT’s how it ends?! I wasted my time!” That’s how this dude probably feels about you. You dissolved his pride and his spirit over that 9 month period, and when you finally “caved”, he started to question his decision. He thought about the time wasted and the missed opportunities with other females. He pondered that if you flaked like this over a title, then how would you react in more serious situations? I don’t know if he truly wants to be single, or he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. I do know that he sounds fed up, and angry that he wasted his time. Now, he wants to test the waters, and honestly I can’t be mad at him.
You say he wasn’t in a real relationship before. I don’t know his history, but I can tell you at least one real relationship that he had: with YOU! The problem is that you didn’t realize it until it was too late. Although you harbour mixed feelings for him at the moment, I think that it’s best that you give him space and move on with your life. He may be too proud and bitter to accept you in a relationship for the foreseeable future. There’s no need to torture yourself, you live and you learn. Take this as a valuable lesson, like all men have at least once in their lives, and be better next time.
SBM Fam: Let our friend above know your thoughts on the situation.
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