Ten Ways to Spot Creepers, Clingers and Weirdos at Happy Hour
Have you ever been to happy hour and started to wonder exactly who you were meeting? Wouldn’t it be great if you could tell from jump that this guy is a complete stage five clinger? That would be so nice, but it’s just not always possible. Regardless, I took the time to jot down the ten signs of creepers, clingers and weirdos. Genuflect and take notes.
- They call you right after they get your number – Have you ever tried to give someone a fake number just to get them to stop talking? Yeah this won’t work with these people. They want to make sure they have the right number. Beware of the inverse too, you’ll offer to take their number,
so you can never call, and they’ll reply, “OK, now call my number.”
- They text you while they’re still in the room – If you want to know if someone thinks you’re a roller they will text you, “What you doing after this?” That’s like the Hail Mary of club etiquette. They’re not Mr. or Mrs. Right, they’re Mr. Right Now.
- They want a picture… for some strange reason – If you are not the photographer for the event, you have no business taking pictures with strangers. People do this to make themselves look like the life of the party on their Facebook. This is straight disrespect, I don’t want to end up on your Facebook as your new flame. To the fellas, stop trying to act like you know all those women, you need more people.
- They are completely antisocial – This person comes into the happy hour, does not drink, does not eat, does not talk, and does not even attempt to be in any talking circles. They are lurking like a mug. These people always bother me. It’s one thing to have a couple drinks before working the room. It’s another to completely do nothing.
- They have a tan line on their ring finger – I don’t think this one needs a lot of explaining.
- They don’t look like they have a real job – Listen here, you can come to club with your UPS uniform on. You can come in Dickies and Nike Boots if you want. However, when you break into the room at 6PM looking like you’re going to a NYE party at the hottest club in town, you look weird. Freakum dresses do not belong at happy hour.
- They show out – Everybody has that one friend who can’t help but start dancing when the music is playing. If you are breaking a sweat and trying to lead a line dance, you need Jesus. It’s happy hour, not a dance party.
- They do something completely inappropriate to break the ice – I got a friend who loves to open conversations by saying something completely offensive. He thinks it will come across as funny, but it usually just sounds crazy as hell. Fellas, no comments on a woman’s chest region. Ladies, don’t tell me I look like I know how to … within the first 30 seconds of meeting me.
- They turn it up way too early – The person trying to steal the spotlight of the evening will walk in and say something akin to, “WHO’S READY FOR SOME SHOTS?!” My reaction, “I came here to chill, dog. Why you trying so hard?”
- They tell you their whole life story – Happy hour is a time to take a load off. Take that load off, but don’t hint at the fact that you need cheese for your whine. Your boyfriend is a jerk? That’s cool. He won’t come pick up his kids when he says he will? That’s horrible. Your bad choices in men is because you have daddy issues? What exactly do you want me to do about that? You make me uncomfortable, go thatta way.
Quick note: This is one of the few times, I’ll share a blooper in the blog but #10 was going to end differently. Only because whenever a woman starts telling me about her love life, I immediately think of these few bars from my favorite song of this rapper:
While we drive she tellin’ me ’bout problems with her man, Baby I fully understand, Let me help you with a plan, While he trickin’ off, don’t get no rich n***a, Give ME some h**d, that’ll really piss him off!
Anyway, today is the day; SBM Happy Hour is going down major at 5PM at Park. The info is in the admin note below. I definitely wanted to post some lighthearted material today for you guys. Something to make you laugh and something to make you reminisce. Feel free to share your stories in the comments below. Cheers to the freaking weekend.
– Dr. J
Tracklist: 1. Out Of My Mind by B.O.B. & Nicki Minaj, 2. Blueberry (Pills & Cocaine) by Danny Brown, 3. We In This B*tch by DJ Drama, Drake & Future, 4. Lemme See by Usher & Rick Ross, 5. Burn by Meek Mill & Big Sean, 6. Cake by Rick Ross, 7. Touching You by Rick Ross & Usher, 8. Tonight by John Legend & Ludacris
Today is the Day!: SingleBlackMale.org is hosting Happy Hour in DC today at Park! The easiest way to RSVP is by clicking HERE. If you are unable to access that link or your job is a hater, RSVP by sending names to [email protected] RSVP ends at 3PM. See you there!