Recently, but not for the first time, a frustrated friend-girl of mine asked if men are looking for “the perfect woman?” I answered simply: Yes. She seemed caught off guard by both the quickness of my response and the fact that I didn’t need to think about my answer. Of course men are looking for the perfect woman. Why wouldn’t they? This isn’t really that big of a deal except for one hiccup: There is no such thing as a perfect woman.
When dating, men and women don’t evaluate each other the same way. While we both might look for the same list of characteristics, the critical difference is that we weigh them differently. For example, I don’t care how much formal education a woman has or how much money she makes. It’s on the list but it’s not very high up. This isn’t because I like dating uneducated, broke women, it’s because I don’t need (or expect) a woman to take care of or provide for me. Therefore, if she can have an intelligent conversation and not spend all the money I make, we will be fine.
I think a lot of people, men and women, expect others to evaluate them as they evaluate themselves. This is why a number of men and women have this “I deserve” mentality as they get older and improve themselves through schooling and income. For me, the fact that a woman graduated from Harvard and makes $250,000 a year is great – it also doesn’t matter. You find those things important, not me. Thus, I will not weigh them the same on my compatibility list as you would. As both sexes “move up” in the world, we gain this sense of entitlement about the opposite sex. I should be able to get whatever man/woman I want because I have acquired X/Y/Z over the years. We fail to assess whether X/Y/Z is as important to them as it is to us. Regardless of our station in life, we need to move away from the “I deserve” mentality and closer to the “I desire” mindset.
It varies.
Let me clarify what “perfect” means to a man. Similar to the above theme, men and women see “perfect” differently. When I said ‘perfect woman’ most women probably envisioned an attractive woman and left it at that; whereas, most men probably envisioned a highly functional, well-rounded attractive woman. There is a huge difference.
Still, most men don’t actually want a perfect woman. They do, however, want the best woman they can possibly acquire – and this only makes sense. If dating were like the NBA draft, you could very well pick-up a Tim Duncan and live a quality life; win numerous championships; and you know what you’re getting day in and day out. On the other hand, if there is a Michael Jordan available in that same draft, you’ll feel like a fool knowing you picked Tim Duncan over Michael Jordan when they were both readily available in the same draft. This is how most men view dating.
We’re fine picking a quality woman and committing to that woman – as long as we feel she was the best woman we could get. This is not to say men don’t often and egregiously over estimate their ability to get the women they want, but that’s another discussion for another day.
Men view women like video game characters and that’s unfair. I know for a fact men aren’t the only ones guilty of this but I’m going to focus on them today. In relation to the perfect woman, men do one of two things incorrectly: 1) Keeping with the NBA analogy, they assume they can 3-peat (I’ll explain in a second); 2) They think they can pick and choose the make-up of the woman they’ll be with, like a video game, instead of accepting her as a person flaws and all.
The 3-peat: A man will pull a top model type chick at age 21 and assume he can do it again at 31. Men have this habit of believing since they made it to the NBA Championship once they’ll be able to do it again in the future. Despite everyone else trying to get to the championship, their getting older, and their changing (or dwindling) skill set, they still believe they have the intangibles to win another championship. Sometimes this is true. Most times, it is not. Getting to the championship is difficult enough. Doing it repeatedly is exponentially more difficult. Men take this for granted and as a result, they might take the almost-perfect woman for granted if they “win” with her too early in life.
The Anime Woman: Men are guilty of video-gaming together their ideal woman. Instead of accepting that there is no perfect woman a number of men will continue searching for various combinations of their x-girlfriends combined in one ultimate, boss-level woman. Men will make comments like, “I really like Girl A, but I’d love and marry her if she cooked like X-Girl B, was built like X-Girl C, and had sex like X-Girl D.” It’s possible you can find such a woman, but I doubt it. Just like video game characters, you can’t have a character (without cheat codes) that has all full status bars! Similar to if your character has a lot of power but no stamina or vice versa, you need to accept a woman might look great or suck in bed or vice versa. That’s real life – and in real life, cheat codes are frowned upon.
So what does this all mean? Last week I was talking to an X and still good friend of mine about my relationship status. After hearing my stories, she jokingly said, “You can have a pretty girl or good head. You can’t have both.” I laughed but she had a point.
For example, I never considered myself a picky guy but lately, I’ve realized I’m picky relative to the available dating population. Once I removed “hook-ups” from the equation, the number of women I even approach has dwindled, substantially. For a while, I wondered why I was having less success in dating, but I realized the dating game hadn’t changed. I had. With age, you begin looking for something more than sexual compatibility, and you realize that the game is a lot harder to play than you remembered in your youth. I never thought much about it before because I was never seriously looking for commitment – I always stumbled into it by chance rather than choice. If I need to reevaluate my standards and preferences, so be it, but one thing that hasn’t changed is I’d rather settle for nothing than settle for anything. At the end of the day, we don’t have to agree on what defines perfection because I’m not looking for the perfect woman for everyone. I’m looking for the perfect woman for me.
What are your thoughts on the perfect man/woman and what does that mean to you? Over the years, as I wrote about here, what are 5 ways the dating game has changed for you – good/bad/indifferent? What are some specific differences you’ve seen dating in high school, college, and post-college?
1) I think no person is perfect and I pretty much when meeting a person decide whether or not thier "flaws" outweigh their strengths. I don't do "he's perfect! Now all we need to work on is that nasty ___". Not changing anybody, thanks much.
2) Considering I didn't start dating until post-college, and followed that up with a string of LONG-term relationships, the dating game didn't even EXIST for me until now. I find, honestly, that the amount of effort OFFERED by men/women alike has decreased, yet the STANDARD of effort EXPECTED has stayed the same, which is BAFFLING to me. Men can't even pick up the phone to CALL me, yet want me to cook for them on the first date (I probably should take my FB photo album of my culinary creations down as an instigator, but whatever). Women can't lift a finger to cook, but want a man to "trick" from the first date. Is anyone actually getting into a relationship from this?
Hey Amaris.
Lets see those cooking pics.
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Valid points. While on date-a-palooza, I've realized the inverse is true as well. For every woman that's hollering about her accomplishments: "single, employed, no children, Phd" and expecting men to wife her up on that alone— I'll show you a man that is "gainfully employed, drives a pricey vehicle, and has a chisled body" and can't figure out why he's 35 and single. As you mentioned, both sexes weigh these characteristics differently.
I've dated plenty of men who thought they had exactly what every woman desired, but was left dumbfounded when I didn't stick around. Yes, lookin like Idris Elba will catch my eye and having money from here to Fiji will make me curious about what you do, but ultimately how you treat me ranks the highest on the list.
Well said my friend, well said indeed!
"I've realized the inverse is true as well…"
I believe this was implied in the post that both sides do this. Good example, though.
This is exactly it! —-> “I’d rather settle for nothing than settle for anything. At the end of the day, we don’t have to agree on what defines perfection because I’m not looking for the perfect woman for everyone. I’m looking for the perfect woman for me.”
*applauds*
I think I'd rather settle for something rather than nothing…. I mean, most people are coo. If I really can't find my "perfect" man by a certain time in life, when I really want to "settle down," then fxck it. I can definitely find someone that I'm compatible enough with, and so can anybody else. I don't think there's such a thing as a perfect person for anyone– its just like you said: you go after the best you can get. Waiting for the perfect wo/man seems like committing the "Anime Girl" mistake.
I see what you're saying and I know a number of people who have made that decision and are generally content with their relationship. I'm not the most sociable person in the world as it is, so I think if it came down to it I'd be fine doing me, but I don't really see that for myself. I dont think my standards are unreasonably high. In my head, I'm also not old enough to be in a state of panic yet. If I'm still single in the next half-decade I might feel differently about things.
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Wis just don't let that "state of panic" cause u to make foolish and hasty decisions u may live to regret.
I doubt he'd ever be in an actual state of panic. He'd most likely just review his standards to see if there's anything further he's willing to forgo, but nothing crazy.
yes I agree Naija….I know Wis knows better…..*wink*
"I’d rather settle for nothing than settle for anything. " I'll start off by saying this right here should be copywritten and put on t-shirts and mugs. If more people had this mentality they wouldn't be so miserable and feel like life wasn't worth living when they were single. Yes it's nice to have someone to "come home to," but as the above quote implies, I would rather be alone and single, than put up with half the bs that some deal with just to have someone there. I always refer back to what my mom told me as a child, "you can do bad all by yourself, you don't need no help with that."
Men are taught to find the perfect or close to perfect for them that they can find, that will put up with them good and bad, and work with it. Most women are taught that men are not perfect so if you have a good or decent one work with it. I think ii said this before but “If a man is hungry and wants a steak, ‘he’s going to go high and low to get the steak, even if he stops by a few burger joints on the way. A woman (Not all) will say she wants a steak and once her stomach growls a little too loud and she’s nowhere close to a steak house, she’ll say bump that and make that double cheeseburger taste like prime rib.”
But like @Amaris said, both sexes want more than they are willing to put in. I’m in my early twenties and I’ve noticed lately that a lot of ppl in my generation don’t really date anymore, their either in a relationship really fast or just fu#king. No real dating phases were you get to know the person before you lock it down. (Not all ppl but just the few I’ve seen lately)
Loving that Steak analogy!
+1 on the steak analogy…assuming you don't impregnate any of those burger joints along the way lol
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"I’m in my early twenties and I’ve noticed lately that a lot of ppl in my generation don’t really date anymore, their either in a relationship really fast or just fu#king. No real dating phases were you get to know the person before you lock it down."
yup…canceling folks out based on shallow stuff…sad.
What are your thoughts on the perfect man/woman and what does that mean to
you?
The perfect woman doesnt mean much to me, i’d take a perfect relationship. A perfect woman is like the New York Knicks, on paper it looks like there’s too much talent to not, then they get on the court and it a different story.
Over the years, as I wrote about here , what are 5 ways the dating game has
changed for you – good/bad/indifferent?
To be honest its gotten easier. In an age where you can text 6 chicks #atthesamedamntime, you can learn alot about her by reading a facebook and where simply having a full time job, no kids and a degree puts you 20 miles ahead from most ninjas, its hard not to win.
What are some specific differences you’ve seen dating in high school, college, and
post-college?
The biggest difference is what women are looking for. In high school girls were alot superficial, a fresh throwback with matching Air Forces was all it took. College, especially a university you have to show a little more personality, make yourself stand out. Now, for me its a little of both. Look good, show you’re about more than sex and give her patience to trust you and thats good enough for alot of chicks (keyword was alot im sure there’s exceptions). However as I get older i’m the one who wants more. While im good enough for her, the question becomes is she good enough for me. I’m aware i wont find the perfect woman, however that doesnt mean i shouldnt hold out for the pretty damn great one.
LOL @ the Knicks analogy. Shots?
I agree with point #2, dating is fairly easy. Assuming you know how to date, which I'm not sure I do. That's another post for another day.
Regarding your last point, the biggest difference for me has been the breakdown of social circles in which I could meet women in the first place. In High School / College since I grew up with most of those same people, so I was always one social circle or party away from a good "hey, have you met WIM?" (#HIMYM) game.
Post-college there's less and less parties or functions in general, and I'm not getting any younger so I'm not really doing the club scene as much. Not to mention I moved so a lot of my activities are carried out wing-man-less. Is what it is tho… I'm like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park… I adapt.
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Wis what about folk you work with??? And your a pro blogger so I would figure u would be at as many social functions as u wanted to be at, especially with all the networking it seems all of you guys do; I'm sure it isn't for lack of invites.
Maybe it's that your inside more…I think that plays a part in dating to…..over the last decade. Forreal a lot of times people wanna stay home and enjoy all their creature comforts. Events are put together and not too many people show up. I used to be like that when I was in my late 20's, then somebody told me, "how you think you gonna meet a man in the house all the damn time." I came out the house and started to meet people.
Work is a def no go. I won't even expand on that lol
As a blogger I actually do 95% of my networking on-line. That's how I get most of my work and "meet" most people. In this day and age, there's really not much need to meet someone face to face, unless they're paying me. Even in that regard, most of my paid opportunities have come from people/businesses I never have and likely never will meet. There's no need to. Long as they honor the contract, all good.
As I said before, many of my "hurdles" have come from moving from where I grew up all my life to a different state where I literally know no one. This isn't to suggest I haven't been successful in dating, I've actually done fine, it's more so that "dating with purpose" narrows the amount and type of women I date. For one, this is somewhat reflective of where I presently live (versus a large city like DC or Dallas/Houston/Austin where I used to frequent back in TX). Further, it's just the nature of dating as you get older. I'm sure it'll all work itself out. I'm a cup half-full dude. The journey is just interesting, tis all.
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WIS u just need to get out more….*wink* Unless ur gonna do online dating.
I understand where you are coming from, I'm 31 now I can't even do the random hook up thing anymore unlike in my early 20s, even when I force myself, all I hear is a tiny voice in my head asking me "do you see yourself with this young lady for the long term". That usually divert most of my attention for the t@#ts and a**s, into other things more important like compatibility, emotional stability, and empathy.
Me personally I'll call it maturity, your views on dating, relationship and marriage changes, and the pressure to get it right magnifies. Most times family don't help either.. just got back from a 3 weeks vacation to UK and Nigeria to spend time with family members, all they did was keep dropping subtle hints about marriage…
"….and where simply having a full time job, no kids and a degree puts you 20 miles ahead from most ninjas, its hard not to win. "
Define "winning"…
I definitely agree with this post.
I thought I found the perfect guy: Educated, funny, relationship w/ God, chivalrous, chocolate & sexy, 6'4, from the hood (but you couldn't tell), with the ability to take control. Problem was – he was well aware of his "perfection". As a result, since I was his idea of perfect, he felt he deserved me and operated out of this sense of entitlement – never willing to prove himself to me or work for it. So even though I was allegedly perfect to him, he didn't treat me that way or make me feel as if he felt lucky to be with me. It ended at saying I was perfect for him. He was above such behavior. Apparently how some pretty girls are above head(?) O_o.
It was like… "Of course you're with me. Who else would you be with? You will take whatever I dish out because I am as good as it gets. And I could be with anyone.. so be glad you are here." He never "sweats" women so I was supposed to be glad he called me as much as he did (or even at all) – and other utter bullsh*t like that.
So now my idea of perfect has drastically changed. Hard for me to define it really.. but the emphasis is on how he makes me feel, and how I make him feel. I want us both to feel truly blessed to have found the other.
WOW…I bet I met him before! You deserved to walk away. You are worth the time and effort always. 🙂 Stay vigilant girlfriend!
Thanks girl!! 🙂 It is not easy.
Exactly….thats whats most impnt is how he/she makes you feel.
Perfect "for me" is a man who knows what I need and want and consistently gives it to me unselfishly.
Perfect is a man who prays daily and knows God.
Perfect is a man with a good heart and who is as beautiful inside as he is outside.
Perfect is a man who can make me laugh, especially when I feel like crying.
"consistently gives it to me unselfishly"… sigh. that is the key.
I forgot one of the most impnt "perfects".
Perfect for me is a man I can completely submit to, because he is a strong leader and 'he loves me as Christ loves the church."
Perfect for me is a man I can completely submit to, because [my kink runs deep]. *giggles*
lmao…Chunk that is not the type of submitting I was talkin bout….u nassy!
I am not completely opposed to all forms of submission however…….ijs…
This. Ish. Right. Here.
Just met 'im.
Prolly just leavin 'im too.
But really, arrogance on 1 trillion. iCaint. And then they find out you have some accomplishments of your own (from out in the world) and come back like "why you aint tell me you…." Ummm because I aint know we were in an accomplishment pizzin contest boy.
SIGH.
Why is 6'4" a relevant point to him being perfect?
Lol aww. Well it no longer is. But I think it's the equivalent of a phat a$$ for some men.
Certainly not a must… but I like that tho.. 😉
For the same reason boys include an hour glass frame in their idea of perfect. Stop plain Dr. J. lol.
I'm not trying to be rude, but your reply comment had very little to do with what I asked. It didn't even answer my question. I didn't ask you what boys do. I asked why it was relevant. That was deflecting at its best.
I'm well aware that some men will say, "she had a fatty"… that's a horrible way to pick potential dates. I'm asking about the height requirement.
Oh WHOA, I thought this was in fun and games, hence my laughter.
I think it's relevant because we're discussin "perfect partners" and a lot of people have physical characteristics on their wish lists.
I think my answer was pretty similar to hers?!?! So right now I'm pretty confused at why your response to me sounds so hostile. But maybe I missed something.
I'm not being hostile, please don't accuse me of that. I'm making gross changes to way I respond to people around here. It's all fun and games, I just wanted my question answered instead of immediately turning the tables. But… let's just drop this and move on for today.
Lesson learned on my part about trying to engage in conversation.
"Lesson learned on my part about trying to engage in conversation."
Ditto.
It won't happen again.
Dudette, I just randomly came upon your TL. I like reading your comments; don't let this put you off completely. Selectively hit ignore, if you must.
I took it as he was her "list perfect", inside attributes as well as physical appearance. No where did I read that it was a requirement, though??
That's only because perfection isn't a requirement. But she listed height there… I found it to be interesting…
That's because in many women's list of "perfect" PHYSICAL attributes for a man, height comes up (not MY preference, but I digress). For example, in lists of "perfect" physical attributes in a woman for a man, height may not come up, but "STAYS FIT" does. Neither have anything to do with the wholeness of a person's character…but we obviously can't see character from the end of a bar, so there is usually SOME physical attribute that has to draw you in to make you want to find out more, right?
I find it equally interesting that you zeroed in on height rarther than anything else she used to describe him. I just took it as her painting a picture.
" I just took it as her painting a picture." That really was all.
Sometimes we need someone to challenge us on reasons why we place a certain value on attributes so… I guess I get it. I'm always down for the challenge because I accept the fact that I can definitely be wrong or off track, etc.. In this case, however, I really just tossed it in there – I assumed women could possibly understand my weakness and misconception of "perfect" despite my better judgement. Honestly I'm embarrassed to have dealt with such an a$$ – I thought I was smarter than that myself!
Ummm…. It still didnt look too different than the list under the pic. You know women put height as something they want in a mate.
I thought you were being playful with your question, so I answered likewise. My mistake.
I said it wasn't a requirement – it was just one of the things about him that, to me, made him seem perfect. Like most initial descriptions of "perfect" it's just a wish list. His height was a nice cherry on top. "Is he 6'4"?" is not a question I ask myself as a way to determine if I will date someone- obviously.
I didn't mention what men do as a way to educate you, or deflect. I had no reason, I offered an equivalent I naturally assumed you would understand. Sometimes with the initial "perfection" definition there is no real reason behind why we want what we want – we just want it. Be it "horrible" or not, that's just what it is. I am only human. We can only hope to mature to the point where we let real needs dictate our behavior.
"I thought you were being playful with your question, so I answered likewise. My mistake."
Ditto.
Height is one of the most ideal features a man can have. This view is shared by most women all over the world. You know this…and you are obviously short, hence your reply. Insecurity isn't hot.
Preach chunk!
I love this post. So much that I had to re-read, process, leave and come back to it.
I would like to refer to my "situation", now, as my "perfect man". Notate the phrase "WOULD like to"… at least that is what he use to be. So with that being said, "ideal" rather than "perfect" (because I'm a woman scorned, lol), for me, would be a man of "consistency". I could rant and rave about my "Relationship Resume" and all of the experiences, happiness I have brought and titles that it holds, but when it is accountable for nothing because the "recession hit" and the great job that I once had ended up taking some drastic pay cuts, I'm not so sure that "perfection" exists. Because even with the "perfect" man/woman, it seems as if time weighs in and it grows old.
I've found that a lot of men have acquired "ADD" and grow bored really quickly with, even, the latest version of "Call of Duty: Black Ops"
I'm guilty of said ADD. *shrug*
LOL!… shame on you!
LOL…I hope you've applied a warning label to yourself…
No need really. Be interesting and we won't have those problems.
me too cyn
at this point in my life i'm way past looking for the perfect woman. i'm more interested in finding the perfect woman for me. she can have a million flaws as long as what's good about her outweighs the bad and i can look past those flaws and love her for who she is. i think that comes with age. as i get older i've noticed a lot of the ways i approach dating and relationships have changed. things that used to bother me or that i had zero tolerance for i'm now finding easier to accept. i just hope that i continue to grow and mature.
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” at this point in my life i’m way past looking for the perfect woman. i’m more interested in finding the perfect woman for me. she can have a million flaws as long as what’s good about her outweighs the bad and i can look past those flaws and love her for who she is.”
This was a really mature statement to make. I feel that this thinking is what separates the boys from the men…. Actually let me rephrase that, this statement reflects the difference between a man who is of a mindset that he is ready to settle into a relationship with substance versus a man who is not interested in anything serious. As you mature you realize you aren’t going to get 100% of what you want out of a SO. Therefore you way the pros and cons, accept those flaws that aren’t going to be detrimental to the relationship.
+1
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What is perfect for you is so different from person to person as each person had different experiences and has different strengths and weaknesses. I am 42 and single ( no plans to marry before), mother of 2. I am no in a committed relationship. Before him, I released myself to explore me and see who I really was. My strengths as a single mother are many, and most of my strengths are traditionally the "male" role. It makes it hard to be with a strong confident man ( what I had to have). I just did me and took care of my family and did my job. I did not look for him, he just appeared. I am happy and accept his flaws as does he mine. He completes me and I him. Now we are making marriage plans…go figure! You will find her or she will find you…stay vigilant! 🙂
Congrats! I think when people are not looking is when they usually find who they want to be with. Best wishes honey!
CO-SIGN!
You were complete b4 you met him—that’s why he “appeared”.
In my typical fashion, I started to copy and paste the parts I cosigned, then realized I had copied almost the entire post.
Awesome post. Top ten post on this site.
Hm. I'm recently divorced and newly returned to dating and I have to say, the whole texting phenom puzzles me. But that's a discussion for another day.
Dating has been….interesting for me. I am chatty but shy and have always had good girl issues (ie, not comfortable being viewed as sexy, not comfortable having se.x without commitment etc).
Dating post-divorce is different than it was before I got boo'd up and ringed. A lot of people say they want long-term relationships and love, but their actions say something else. A lot of people in their 30s seem into disposable relationships and to me the 30s are where you hone in on what you want and lock it down, the 20s are for disposable relationships if that's what you are in to.
The other day I told my ex-husband (we're still friends) that I think I'm going to try to be a little more se.xually free because I'm grown and I can do that and he said I'm not that chick and never will be. I can't win that game. I'm a relationship girl. Food for thought indeed, as he knows me better than most people.
Right now I have one guy pursuing me and another not pursuing me, though he thinks he is pursuing me. The first means me no good, but we have mad chemistry and connection. I have done my best to cut that short, however one day soon I may not be able to run that fast. LOL
The second guy is a good guy, but shy. I like him as a person, but his lack of take charge is likely going to land him in friend zone. He has no game and that would be OK if he had enough of the other things I was looking for in a mate.
Which leads me to my "perfect" mate: He would be someone who understands commitment and is willing to put in the effort and work it requires. I need someone who can teach me something(s) as I like to admire my man. Someone who is curious about the world and has sought out opportunities to learn about it. Must be funny and personable. Someone who has dated enough to know what he wants, but not so much that he's jaded about women and relationships. Someone who wants and appreciates love and understands the difference between what's good for him and what's good to him. Someone I can trust and have the confidence in to follow his leadership even when I'm not sure of the final destination. A good steward of his finances. Passionate about his career, whatever it is. Looks at me like I'm Halle Berry or whatever hawt starlet he's into.
Someone who can write/express himself well.
Note that none of that references looks, height, cars, salary minimums, clothes, hoes. Cause for me, THAT stuff is fluid (cept the hoes, I just threw that in to see if you were paying attention LOL).
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As far as being more sexually open and what what YOU can and can’t do, don’t let ANYONE tell you who you are. Especially a man. Few men believe a woman can be sexually open and not fall in love with every man they sleep with. Something about having a peen disrupts their brain. If you feel like you want to be more sexually open and youve thought about it and you feel you can handle it, then do whatever the hell you want, girlfriend. It’s your world and the men are just squirrels, looking for a nut. Do YOU. Always and only you. Take it from Superheauxbitch herself, its not for everyone, but if its your thang, do that thang.
Looking for a perfect woman (or man) is sheer foolishness, at least in the context that it’s usually phrased in. No such thing. Now what I myself need is someone who is as whole as they can be by themselves before I come into the picture. I need to be the same way myself. Some things won’t be realized until we unite and become one in purpose and unity. I don’t perfection; I need my supplement.
"I need my supplement."
This would've totally worked in my comment below, lol…
*need*
In my experience with dating, the number 1 most frustrating thing is when you meet the person that you just KNOW will be perfect for you. You have already analyzed their flaws and shortcomings and you still say “alright I can work with that” “I wouldn’t mind dealing with that for 20+ years if I had to” BUT the only problem is that the person is not ready for the type of relationship you are looking for. I have met a couple of guys that I felt would be perfect for me but in getting to know them and realizing they have other goals they want to attain before thinking about a serious relationship. Generally I don’t even have to wait for them to tell me it’s going to be a problem. Usually when having those conversations of goals it comes up and if I see or hear from him that he is really focused on that one thing I can pretty much analyze what I know about the man and figure that he either doesn’t want any distractions or wouldn’t have enough time for me that I would want. The whole “timing” thing is real. And it sucks.
I'm actually going to post on this later this week. It's ironic that sometimes women identify the perfect match but then when he's not available they get upset. I can't spoil the post, but yeah…
Well of course you know I definitely look forward to your post on this issue and it would be interesting to see the discourse on it as well.
Yeah, like why wouldn't you want to be with a man that is trying to better himself and has set goals for himself? I never could get that. Like goal setting is viewed as a negative….
I think she was saying that she meets men that are really focused on their goals, and therefore aren't looking for a relationship, so she cuts it off when that becomes known. You can't develop a relationship with someone who isn't looking for that at the moment.
The question for me always is how do you know they somebody's the perfect person until you're actually in a relationship with them, or at least dating them? Otherwise, its gonna be like the analogy Tristan gave with the Knicks (I'd say the same thing about the Skins). Not to mention you start getting all kinds of expectations about their perfection and how you're meant to be together and all that and it just complicates things.
The dating game is complicated enough without all this extra stress we add to it. I remember when I was 20, I thought that by 25 I'd have the perfect woman be married or on the path towards that stuff and all that. But after some of the complications I've had with some of these "perfect women", I don't even like that term any more.
And to me its not even about the whole "perfect for me" thing. I think that's just another made up concept that we fool ourselves into buying into because it sounds so nice. I look at the person I was at 15 (embodied by Pac's Me Against the World album) and how different I was at 21, and then how different I was at 25, and then how much I've changed now. I know that tomorrow I'm going to be interested in a whole set of stuff that I probably think is stupid today. Its just the whole way we grow as individuals.
"I know that tomorrow I'm going to be interested in a whole set of stuff that I probably think is stupid today. Its just the whole way we grow as individuals. "
Completely agree. The things I wanted from a partner when I first started to emotionally mature are not the same things I want now because the more experiences I have the more I change. It feels a little messy on my end to still not know what I want but I'm still young. At some point, I anticipate things will become more consistent.
My recent post From the Soundtrack: Medicine for Melancholy
I agree that there is no "perfect" woman, but there is a good to go woman. However, just as WIM spelled out, After age 30 it gets a bit hairy. I have options, but I am hesitant on investing time and energy into someone that just gets an "eh" out of me. There are plenty of women floating around that have grad degrees (yawn), Toyota Camrys (although I've met a slew of women lately with no car), cool little jobs with cubicles which make up their FB profile pics, consider themselves adventurous because of some Groupon deal, ever changing hairdos and of course big ugly purses that cost a lot of money. When it gets down to the roots though, finding that right balance of chemistry, good conversation, interests to share and of course, visual aesthetics is particularly hard. In short: so many women are the same so I keep eyes open for the ones that sort of poke out in the crowd a bit…or at least know how to separate themselves from the rest.
"There are plenty of women floating around that have grad degrees (yawn), Toyota Camrys (although I've met a slew of women lately with no car), cool little jobs with cubicles which make up their FB profile pics, consider themselves adventurous because of some Groupon deal, ever changing hairdos and of course big ugly purses that cost a lot of money."
<–this sounds boring to me and I'm not a man.
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See? Now imagine this multiple times a month.
Damn Gina. Glad I get my deals off Living Social. Heh.
My recent post The Heart and Soul of DC
Just as bad…
Oh shucks then. Hope somebody out there will still have me…
My recent post The Heart and Soul of DC
In all seriousness – for every "basic" chick you meet/listed above, I'll raise you a one note dude out there who I've sat across at somebody's restaurant – who only works a regular job, goes to the gym, lacks hobbies, and doesn't have that much to say either. We should all accept our regularness/ordinary/ every day – and acknowledge it in others and be ok with it.
My recent post The Heart and Soul of DC
!!!!!
I think this post is great…in theory. But, I think the concept of "waiting for the best you can get" is a bit flawed. Yes, I want the person who is "perfect" for me. But, I've never passed up a good, attractive guy that I felt a great connection with because I thought I could get a better guy. I only pass up people I don't connect with or aren't attracted to and don't maintain a connection with. Everyone won't mesh with you on a deep level…and to think any and all women are pliable to the point that you can just make beauty happen with any one of us because we seem like the best you can get is just…silly. Ideally, I prefer my mate to be balanced with me in all or most areas…meaning, they bring balance to my life…making life an easier and better journey. And for as like as I'm attracted to him, that's all that matters to me.
In high-school, I wasn't grown/fully mature yet…and had no idea what the grown CO81 was going to need in a relationship. I valued/looked for the wrong things. Now, that I'm super grown…been married and divorced, I fully understand whats important in life and love (I think, lol). So, my "list" was shredded. I decided that God knows me best…knows where I'm going…so he's best equipped to send me who's perfect for me. I decided I would be open beyond my old restrictions…and I'm very VERY happy with the results of that choice thus far.
decided, or accepted that God knows best? There's a difference between the two.
Decided.
I am COMPLETELY incapable of doing anything I don't really want to do, lol. If it doesn't deeply resonate with me, I won't last long. I'm not the settling type. My ex-hub can confirm this, lol.
editor's note: the last line in my original comment should read, "as long as"…not "as like as", lol…my bad
I don't disagree but I think this is a fundamental difference in how men/women approach dating: But, I think the concept of "waiting for the best you can get" is a bit flawed. Yes, I want the person who is "perfect" for me. But, I've never passed up a good, attractive guy that I felt a great connection with because I thought I could get a better guy.
This might be one of those things attributed to how dating works, once again. Since men approach women, they generally feel that once they've acquired money/fame/wealth/power they "deserve" a better class of women. I know plenty men who "re-up" all the time once they get a little comeuppeance. lol
I mean think about it: dudes break up with their high school GF because they're heading off to college. They break up with the college GF because they're heading off to the real world. They break up with the real world girlfriend because they finally got that Doctorate/JD. I'm not saying it's right but I've definitely seen it happen more times than I can count and it's usually on the men's side. Although, I have seen a few women break up with dudes once they "came up" too. I think that goes back to the idea of entitlement people have about what they deserve. I'm not even saying it's a bad thing. It's just one of those things…
As Kanye said, "when he get on he leave yo ass for a…." ….you know what? Never mind.
To your other point, to think any and all women are pliable to the point that you can just make beauty happen with any one of us because we seem like the best you can get is just…silly. Is it? Think about how most men function. We see two equally attractive women across the way. We can only approach one. If I approach one, I don't know what my future would have been like with the other. It couldve been greater, it could've been worse. That's the nature of the game, but I can't miss what I never had – as far as the woman I didn't approach. I just find it interesting that (some) women think men should know how great they are off sight alone, as if I can see your resume on your forehead. IDK how the next man works, but when I see two equally attractive women in a room. I simply make a choice and approach one. Clearly I know nothing about them other than the fact that they're attractive enough to make me walk up to them. To be honest, everything else is left up to chance…
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I was responding in my head…"but that doesn't make it right"…then I read, "I'm not saying its right…" and all became right with the world again, lol. Yes, it happens…but it is flawed.
And yes, it is, lol. I'm moreso talking about instances like this: You're talking to an 8.3 (LOL)…she's great…you're clicking…you're willingly engaged in the "getting to know" process. You meet an 8.7, you get along cool enough, you have a few decent conversations…and now, "iono" about the 8.3?! You choose to make a go with the 8.7 (on paper…looks wise really, lol) simply cause she's an 8.7 and y'all get along good enough and MIGHT grow to click on a deep level when you WERE meshing with the 8.3?! That's the mess (and variations of such mess) that I'm talking about, LOL.
*really cracking up at work*
Nah, I see what you're saying. Obviously the possibilities are limitless, as I'm generally talking about random meet-ups versus introductions by friends, family, or even meeting at a function where everyone has already demonstrated a common interest. To that point, a girl (accidentally) lead me to that same conclusion this weekend when she was complaining about how the men acted at the establishment we were at. I did not act like these men (grabbing, yelling, and generally being jerks); however, I realized I would be perceived like these men by association. If a girl walks by 10 dudes who grab her ass and I'm the 11th dude, even if I'm minding my business and being a perfect gentlemen, her assumption is I'm going to try to grab her ass and/or I'm just another jerk too. I say all that to say, surroundings can dictate outcomes you have no control over – granted I'm on a tangent.
*circles the car back around*
Actually, I was more or less referring to going from a 7 to an 8/9. I also meant more inclusive than looks, although I know a lot of dudes that'll jump ships off looks alone. Any dude dropping an 8.3 for an 8.7 is going about life all wrong. However, speaking on behalf of men, where things get confusing is if you're with a well rounded 7 but you can get with a decently rounded 8/9 lol
I think a good example of this was Chris Rock's character in "I Think I Love My Wife." Except, remove the obligations of marriage and let's just say they were dating. You're happy. You've got a good woman. But then a Kerry Washington-esque woman sashes her big lipped sexy bodied self into your life tryin to give you the business and……..let's just say things might get real real.
My recent post Let the Games Begin: How to Become a Basketball Wife(y)
"However, speaking on behalf of men, where things get confusing is if you're with a well rounded 7 but you can get with a decently rounded 8/9 lol "
Sooo confusing, lol. Great example with the Chris Rock movie. And that's all I'll say about that, lol.
WIM: "I think a good example of this was Chris Rock's character in "I Think I Love My Wife." Except, remove the obligations of marriage and let's just say they were dating. You're happy. You've got a good woman. But then a Kerry Washington-esque woman sashes her big lipped sexy bodied self into your life tryin to give you the business and…"
You realize Kerry is stupid fine, but Gina Torres is good looking and already down for you. You're a comic book fan, and you realize Gina Torres did the voice of Ebony Brown on the Boondocks, Vixen on the Justice League and Superwoman on Crisis on Two…
(wait a minute Hugh, control your inner nerd…)
Let's just say if you have Gina Torres, Kerry may tempt you, but you aren't going anywhere. I'll take a compatible 7.5 in the hand over a 9 in the bush.
"Let's just say if you have Gina Torres, Kerry may tempt you, but you aren't going anywhere. I'll take a compatible 7.5 in the hand over a 9 in the bush."
THIS! Clearly, we need more Butcher Pimps out here, lol…LEARN from the Butcher Pimp!!!!! This is how I keep myself out of trouble. There's always gonna be someone who's cuter/makes more money/funnier/etc. than your mate/person you've been interviewing for a minute. At some point, you gotta stop checking for greener grass!
cynicaloptmst81: "Clearly, we need more Butcher Pimps out here, lol"
Somewhere, Sam is reading this and shaking her head.
LMBO! I know, right…
I'll take a compatible 7.5 in the hand over a 9 in the bush.
Great line, man. I don't necessarily disagree but I can see/understand why men/women act how they act. That's why I originally said I wasn't excusing the act itself. But, I can understand why the act-or may act that way.
To your point, a real man/woman would stay. Or at least take responsibility for their actions if they drop the 7.5 in hand and go after the 9 in the bush. What more often happens though is they keep the 7.5 in hand UNTIL they determine their success with the 9….and frankly, that's lame regardless of sex.
"…they keep the 7.5 in hand UNTIL they determine their success with the 9….and frankly, that's lame regardless of sex."
*hangs head in shame*
Agreed. LMBO… #youthfulmistakes
" What more often happens though is they keep the 7.5 in hand UNTIL they determine their success with the 9…."
And there in lies the rub, lol
Hugh you would….but not every man would….and just because a man doesn't that doesn't necessarily make him wrong……just different.__I kinda wish women would stop being so mad at men for simply being "different" than we are.__I don't see them being mad at us cause we're different from them, if anything they embrace it.__Please excuse the ramblings……….just thinking out loud.
"you realize Gina Torres did the voice of Ebony Brown on the Boondocks, Vixen on the Justice League and Superwoman on Crisis on Two…"
Am I a nerd if I knew all this and watched them all too?
My recent post Late last summer…
@SingLikeSassy: "Am I a nerd if I knew all this and watched them all too?"
Perhaps. But if you said that to me in person, it would also make me ask for your number.
"and……..let's just say things might get real real."
That's that mess, RIGHT THERE, LMBO! Dropping a 7 that you really ROCK with (I mean come on…you aren't really REALLY attracted to anything below a 6, lol…the look is below average for goodness sake!) for an 8/9/10 that you're cool with is just…just…God help us, LOL! It's just not right!
I was watching Jerry McGuire at home on my lunch break (I live close to the job…don't hate, lol) and the part were Regina King cries on the phone was on…"My whole life is this family and it DOES NOT WORK WITHOUT HIM!" THAT!? I will NOT gamble with that. Forget the greener grass…
Well to make this analogy fair we need to use like metaphors, since clearly (most) women aren't as aesthetically superficial as (most) men. Wouldn't it be more accurate to say this scenario:
You're with a guy that makes $30k and ya'll really rock. Or you can get with a guy that makes $230k even though he has a little bit more flaws than Mr. $30k. I think that's more relative to how men view women and looks. I think. Since I'm not a woman, I'm not positive about the exact parallel. I'm basically saying men are drawn to attractive women as women are drawn to successful men – however you define that – and that's how it can get "real real" when you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Either way, this thread has inspired another post in my head. Preciatecha! *intricate hand daps and coordinated foot kicks*
Well, I've been known to inspire greatness, lol…glad to help!
This example reminds me of the movie, Think Like A Man…Taraji/Michael/Morris. Since I don't find Michael Ealy especially swoon worthy while I find Morris Chestnut to be quite SCRUMPTOUS, this is thee perfect, all inclusive example. A good women deciding whether to keep rockin with the broke 7 she meshes with or trade-up to the broke-off 10 trying to get at her! Morris was cinematically lame, lol…but, basically, she gambled, lost…and had to "please, baby, please" her way back in there with Michael…who she should've hung in there with.
This example is quite personal to me, lol…and I've opted to play cheerleader (not sponsor, lol) to my bf who's in the midst of a career shift. I've passed up options because we really do rock…and I'm confident…based on progress…that full career potential will be reached. W/O that confidence, could I just rock with an indefinite $30K bro???? Uh….um…see…..well….eh…, LOL. I normally don't rock with goal-less individuals…
Cyn……..just chalk this up to one of the ways women are more "mature" than men.
Or, chalk it up to being differences……whats important to them, is not whats impnt to us.
Morris > Michael all day long. I think in that situation though Taraji needed to see that the man she had been fantasizing about for years was just that, a fantasy. She might not end up with Michael, but I bet her dating life improves once she could get the made up Morris out of her head.
My recent post My "perfect" man…
I likes that analogy WIM……..*lightbulb*
" I think the concept of "waiting for the best you can get" is a bit flawed"
You make a great point Cyn…..cause no matter how great you are there is always someone better. And no matter how great of a person u find, there is always someone better. Someone smarter, prettier, more handsome, sexier, taller, better body, funnier, more talented, etc etc etc….I think eventually and realistically you do settle. U settle with whomever you feel is the very best you could get at that particular time, and imo ain't nothin wrong wit that.
Now maybe in 15 or 20 yrs that person may no longer be the best for you, and/or you may no longer be the best for them. You let them go and move on and find the next best person for you at that time.
This concept toys with the idea of believing in soulmates, and that you can have more than one in your lifetime……..which I do believe.
Over the years, as I evolve I find my needs/desires changing. I am sure that my experiences also influences those changes. I find that I focus more on what I want now rather than on what I don't want. My list (not an actual list) is being refined on a regular basis.
In college it was easy. Ironically most all the men I met wanted to be in a serious relationship and were marriage-minded. At the time I chalked it up to being a "southern thing." I think location plays a part. In certain cities and states people date differently. In highschool and after college I recall guys being more willing to seriously date a woman and take her out and "court" her and be her friend first. Men who took their time getting to know a woman and who weren't pressed to hit upon the first meeting and/or first date.
Here in DC/MD, (not sure about VA) for whatever reason many people men and women are more into an fwb situation. It seems like people are about sex and companionship, as opposed to a real relationship that requires serious time, attention, and responsibility, and accountability. In fact a lot of men and women here say they don't have time for a relationship. However, they do want sex, companionship, and someone to hang out with from time to time.
Here in DC/MD, (not sure about VA) for whatever reason many people men and women are more into an fwb situation. It seems like people are about sex and companionship, as opposed to a real relationship that requires serious time, attention, and responsibility, and accountability. In fact a lot of men and women here say they don't have time for a relationship. However, they do want sex, companionship, and someone to hang out with from time to time.
Believe you me, it's not just there. I hear the same complaints across the board, and can co-sign them as well.
Yes so I've heard Naija….
"Here in DC/MD, (not sure about VA) for whatever reason many people men and women are more into an fwb situation. It seems like people are about sex and companionship, as opposed to a real relationship that requires serious time, attention, and responsibility, and accountability. "
Could it be the abundance of opportunity – if that exists there? Supply/Demand
"Could it be the abundance of opportunity – if that exists there? Supply/Demand"
This here…and I won't get into the fabled Golden ratio of women to men because that is a farce within itself pending a proper breakdown.
Considering that D.C. has a very transient and transplanted population, long term endeavors of matrimony aren't necessarily as attractive as dating around and experiencing the different flavors. I will tell you honestly that if you got your ish together, you can write your own checks out here.
I've always told people that if I were looking to get married, I'd have to go elsewhere with less of a metropolitan population and probably an easier going pace, because here is not conducive for it.
This is true CPT……
I definitely will agree..As a single, professional, male residing in the DMV it is very interesting out here, esp. if you have your sh*** together…As a southern transplant though, I definitely want to get married, so to your point about location, I think that is very true….People down south are more traditional in settling down because growing up you go to college and then get married…That's the blueprint…Up here though, people are way too free with sex (which explains the high STD rates esp. inside the beltway) and I just find it very weird…
I often joke with folks that the only thing to do in the South is to Sleep, Cook, Eat, F*ck.
That's very true though….
Could be LetsLove……probably women in Atlanta and maybe Chicago are complaining about the same things.
Well I am in Atlanta… opportunity exists – I am not sure if I would define it as abundant. That is just from my perspective tho – I don't get out all THAT much to really know I guess.
ok…Lets I always here women in Atlanta saying women outnumber men in exorbitant numbers and that the men who aren't with a woman are gay or bi.
I think yall probably need to get out more…….ijs
From the DMV (I hate that moniker!) born and raised and YES, you are absolutely right about people in DC.
I’d rather settle for nothing than settle for anything. Check.
I’m looking for the perfect woman for me. Take out the "wo," and double check.
What are your thoughts on the perfect man/woman and what does that mean to you?
The perfect man for me is basically someone who shares my values, with whom I have a significant amount of chemistry, who embodies some of the characteristics I seek in a significant other, and who is legitimately looking to build something solid with me the way I am with him. There will always be the "nice to haves," but these are the essentials.
Over the years, as I wrote about here, what are 5 ways the dating game has changed for you – good/bad/indifferent?
I can only name one: I am no longer an active participant. I'm turning 25 later this year, and it's been a little over two years since the last time I was involved with anyone. I decided that it was too much of a headache entertaining anyone who was looking to give me less than what would make me happy, and so there was no point adding unnecessary scars to my heart that may ultimately affect my happiness with someone compatible when he does come along. Some people look at me incredulously, but real talk? I've been rather content. It helps that I've always been self-sufficient. Sure, it would be nice to have someone whose arms I could snuggle into, but the right pair of arms is worth the wait. In the meantime, I'm growing in maturity and working towards other goals.
I also think many men date just to date…even ones that are "marriage-minded" are cool with dating for however long. Men just like having women in their lives in some capacity. They could care less about what her title is or even if she has one at all…..as long as they are satisfied with her, thats all that really matters.
Women date to Marry. Most women date wit the intention of finding a man to marry. They look at most all men they date as future husbands and baby daddies;most men typically don't do this. It's has been mentioned in previous post that usually the first thing is checking for when he sees a woman that catches his eye is how fine she is and what specific physical attributes she has that appeal to him.
Women do check out men physically, and then almost immediately try to ascertain what he does for a living, his income and goals, and what he has, if he only wants sex, what kind of man he is and if he is marriage-minded.
Typically in dating the goals of men and women can be different, and even if the goals are the same, how both people achieve those goals can differ greatly. This can sometimes be part of the problem.
Not necessarily. When I was 25-27 or 28, I would date for sport. Good times, they were, but as I got older, I began to date with a purpose….
Same here…Now that I have a career and progressed financially, I am looking for my teammate as well..A brother is not in the dating game for sport anymore…It's funny cause there are alot of women, 30+, who date just to date…I find that to be very interesting, unlike what is stated above.
Good post sir WIM.
Nothing much to add really.
As far as ways the dating game has changed for me, it's just more so now a days I date with more so a purpose more consistentlly.
The differences I've seen in dating through out my different levels of schooling and beyond school are night and day, which is to be expected I would imagine. As one gets older, generally speaking, things outside of the superficial characteristics become more and more important. Or to put it another way, people readjust the weight associated with each item on their priority list.
This… As far as ways the dating game has changed for me, it's just more so now a days I date with more so a purpose more consistently.
You know what, sir? *whispers* I think this is the reality a number of women have faced for years. "Dating with purpose…"
Until like 3-5 years ago I didn't date with a purpose. I was more "whatever happens happens" about the whole dating process. Now there are far less well-I-guess-ill-do-this-to-pass-the-time-because-she's-cool-and-doesnt-stress-me-out-but-I-doubt-it'll-go-anywhere-ships I won't even bother wasting my time in. It's an interesting evolution.
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You got it. Generally speaking, men appear perplexed by women's habits until they reach that phase themselves. Before that, one gets peppered with questions as to why the hell one wouldn't hook up with so & so solely based on the fact that there was some physical attraction & chemistry.
"well-I-guess-ill-do-this-to-pass-the-time-because-she's-cool-and-doesnt-stress-me-out-but-I-doubt-it'll-go-anywhere-ships"
Lmaooo…yeah, I feel you, man.
WIS, even in dating with a purpose it still doesn't bring many men closer to marriage. For some men dating with a purpose just means, "ok I'm ready to settle down and be with one woman and stop running around with a different shawy for every day of the week." It could mean a man will now commit to 1 woman and be in a long-term relationship. It could even mean that in his mind he wants to get married and have a kid, but old habits die hard and still waters run deep so the type of women he dates really hasn't changed much.
So please explain or do a post on what exactly it means for a man to date "with purpose."
We all know what the woman's purpose is – to get the man to put a ring on it and live happily ever after.
What's your purpose???
" even in dating with a purpose it still doesn't bring many men closer to marriage.."
"dating with a purpose just means, "ok I'm ready to settle down and be with one woman and stop running around with a different shawy for every day of the week." It could mean a man will now commit to 1 woman and be in a long-term relationship. It could even mean that in his mind he wants to get married…."
Umm….I'll submit to you that settling down with one woman does bring a man closer to marriage. He's definitely more closer than he was before. Doesnt guarantee it will end in marriage, obviously, but he is most definitely closer than before.
he is closer than before…..is that so Larry……but if he doesn't actually make the move then it still dont' mean a thang if she ain't got that ring…..
What about the men who play house with women for years and years and are highly unlikely to marry her unless she gives an ultimatum that he put a ring on it or she is gone. And some men are like…see ya.
I definitely agree Bro. If she is not on the level of potential wifey status, I am going in the opposite direction fast!
What are your thoughts on the perfect man/woman and what does that mean to you? Nobody is perfect. And a huge part of men and womens problem is that they want and expect Everything for Little or Nothing and that is not real life. I don't expect a perfect man because I know there is no such thing, plus the fact that I'm far from a perfect woman. I also am not trying to change anyone's core personality, and don't want anyone trying to change mine.
Over the years, as I wrote about here, what are 5 ways the dating game has changed for you – good/bad/indifferent? What are some specific differences you’ve seen dating in high school, college, and post-college?
Lately since I've been in my 30's I've also heard many men say they are tired of "courting" women and wining and dining them and spending their hard earned money because women are not deserving of it.
Men have said they are tired of getting used for their money and what they can do for a woman, while they don't get anything in return, not sex or anything else but the womans time.
Women are saying men are lazy and not courting them properly.
I also think technology has played a part in dating with men particularly. It's much easier for them to communicate via text, facebook, or email. In my opinion technology has made it easier for men to lie and cheat, but it's also made it easier for them to get caught if they don't cover their tracks well.
Honestly I think to a degree technology has played a significant part in making us as a society and as human beings a hell of a lot lazier than we were decades ago. So now that we have gotten so spoiled, it's gotten to the point that we don't wanna work too hard for much of anything anymore, including Love.
I can definitely agree with what your male friends are saying…I believe a man should court a woman, if he is really interested in her. Lately or since I been dating the past few months, I see a lot of chicks out her who will go out with you and etc., but never offer to pay anything…Like really though?? After awhile, you feel used and it sucks because you come to a point where you think your original antics of courting a woman are flawed…
The only thing I’ll say is people need to objectively evaluate their true value on the market and stay in their lane. Many tears would be saved and we could save the rainforest. People want the best they can get. And when they get it they feel like they won. They dont realize how disposable they’ve become. It’s like a seesaw. Once you set it up with you on the bottom, you think your prize is gonna balance it out and give you power? How you like running around tryna keep somebody. Knowing they can do better. Constantly tryna earn their love and respect. Hoping they don’t cheat. That’s what you’ll be doing.
Not unless they are mentally weak and you break them down so they “feel” they are on or below your level. THen you got bad bad BAD mojo karma and the storm coming when they wake up will be worse than picking the ugly one.
My strategy is to pick a guy just slightly below my true market value. That way he’s excited to be with me, but I don’t abuse the power. Cause put him in a suit with a fresh haircut.. well I’m just gonna say its better if i can get comfortable. But not too comfortable.
Interesting strategy. I guess to employ this you have to believe that "slightly below your market value" does not imply that you are settling…
I guess it depends on how we determine our market value.
The concept of settling is a dumb one. I don’t even consider it because its not even slightly helpful. I’m interested in a union that works and makes both people happy. It makes me happy to have someone wheels lucky to have me and treats me well. It doesn’t make me happy to land a 10, but have him treat me like I’m disposable.
lol….Wild Cougar your a mess….that is indeed and interesting strategy….but the bottom line is a person's looks and what they got going for them or don't have goin for them do not mean they won't cheat.
Part of the problem too is "us" women. Some women have become sooooooooo "thirsty" and desperate that some will go after any and every man….including yours.
My goal is to find a man who no matter what will love and care about me enough and be in love with me so much so that he will be able resist any and every temptation. Thats 1 of the things I respect about my guy friends. The ones who are in relationships will not step out, even though they have women comin at them like they are Lebron & Wade & Morris, they are faithful. They look, flirt, chat it up, and keep it moving on home to their women.
You know what they say, when your bunned up thats when folks come out the woodworks trying to get with you when you got somebody. When your single they not checking for you.
I’ve subscribed to the “perfect for me” concept for quite some time, which is why I’ve never claimed to have a “type”, all the men I’ve dealt with in the past have one thing, and one thing only in common & it’s me…. The real issue, I think, with the “perfect for me” concept is that what was perfect for me 10yrs ago isn’t perfect for me today. There have been times/men that have had a check mark in all the boxes for perfection – smart, funny, witty, attractive(to me) etc…. So why didn’t it work? I wonder if the perfect person is one who can “evolve” at the relative same speed and fundamentally holds the same ideals/values etc….
Not that I think he exists. Lol, I’m really just saying……
The real issue, I think, with the "perfect for me" concept is that what was perfect for me 10yrs ago isn't perfect for me today.
Interesting point. I def think/view things a lot differently than I did 10 years ago. I'm not even sure had I married my High School X for example (we dated 5 years) if we'd even still be compatible today. Granted, I have no way of knowing. It's very possible we would have grown together…. We also may have grown a part – which clearly happens to a large number of people. I actually think I'm a far better "boyfriend" today than I was 10 or even 5 years ago. I'm more well-rounded and less stubborn for one. I've thought this will make me a better father. I'm a lot more patient now than I was back in the day.
*shrugs*
Guess we'll see how it all pans out.
Great post, and I agree with it all!
I don't think I ever was looking for perfection in a man in my teens or 20s because I don't think there is a such thing. I think I met men who were exactly what I needed at that time in my life. I think I've always looked at relationships in a mature manner, never really being superficial and determining someone's worth or whether they were "good enough" for me based on how much money they made or how good they looked.
Men who treated me well, and who I truly felt loved my dirty drawers always won with me. When it comes to me, I feel like the 3-peat mentality has kept a few from locking me down. I've always felt that way even before you so brilliantly dubbed it the 3-peat mentality. Most men feel that with money, they will have their pick of the litter. If you're not looking for substance, this is likely true. But, if you're looking for the total package, money will not increase your options any more than getting breast implants will increase a woman's options or chances of finding the "perfect mate."
Grass is greener people usually end up alone because they're always chasing, and ultimately end up settling for less anyway because only until it's too late do they realize that the perfect woman "for them" may not feel that he is the "perfect man" for her. Ultimately, the perfect relationship begins with mutuality. That's the hardest part …finding someone who thinks and feels about you the way that you feel about them. That is what I consider perfection at this point in my life.
My recent post An Open Letter to Rihanna
THIS! RIGHT! HERE! ——> "Grass is greener people usually end up alone because they're always chasing, and ultimately end up settling for less anyway because only until it's too late do they realize that the perfect woman "for them" may not feel that he is the "perfect man" for her. "
I'll co-sign that as well, lol…
What kills me is so many people are looking for people who have things that they lack. One guy said he would prefer to marry a woman whose parents were still together, when his parents were NEVER married, much less still together, which I'm sure gave him the issues he currently has.
A woman who came from a 2-parent, stable home could see you coming from a mile away and wouldn't touch you with a 10-foot pole. Hypocrisies!
My recent post An Open Letter to Rihanna
Right cause at some point you have to decide that *THIS* right here is it otherwise you will be forever looking and who wants to wake up at 60 talmbout whatmightcouldabeen?
My recent post My "perfect" man…
Exactly! A guy I just went out with said it perfectly…"He said dating is like going around and around on a carousel. He said at some point, you just have to decide to jump off. It's been fun, but you are ALWAYS going to find someone who could technically be deemed "better" than the last. This is how a man who is ready for a serious relationship/marriage speaks.
My recent post An Open Letter to Rihanna
What I am finding interesting is the male vs female perspective when discussing dating with "purpose". The men today seem much less optimistic about the process (acknowledging that more discernment leads to less chex, lamenting over not actually knowing where to start searching for 'wife material', etc), whereas the women (perhaps due to the fact they've been playing 'the game' at the boss level for longer?) seem to chalk up any snags to the game & move on. No conclusions, just interesting.
My parents have been together for a long time so I don't really have romantical feelings about the 'one' or a perfect mate cause I've seen up close and personal that marriage/committing to someone ain't easy – and you need more than love and surface notions to get you through. So perfect for me is someone who wants me. Who recognizes my awesomeness without my convincing or begging or whatever. Who values commitment, compromise and substance over style. Who is willing to put in the work and give this thang a try.
My recent post The Heart and Soul of DC
"What are your thoughts on the perfect man/woman and what does that mean to you?"
when i was younger, i probably sought after the 'perfect woman'. but…after 27 or so, i stopped looking for the 'perfect woman' because she doesn't exist. perfection is just some far off motivating fact to get (some) people to do beter…
but i digress.
currently, and for a while now, i haven't been searching for the "perfect woman", but the woman who's assets (take it how you wanna) and good points are things that would attract me to her, and her quirks and idiosyncrasies wouldn't be a problem for me going forward.
cause see, while i may see a female as she is at 28-32…i'm guesstimating what she'll look like, what she'll be like when she's 48, 58, 68…i'm not worried about the physical, because things will sag, and drop. that's life on the mortal plane. however, are there things about her that slightly annoy me now, there's a very good chance that it will drive me insane in the future.
Thanks for the read.
This post describes some ideas I thought about recently regarding dating and being single.
I think that its true that folks are being trapped in the consumerist mindset of life and the trappings of success, followed by looking down on a guy/gal if they aren't "equally yoked" and effectively nixing them off the radar.
I have come to understand that while success is great to have and may enable you to have some level of comfort, it does not make us who we are.
We are more than our job, car, fancy apt, etc yet folks use that as the bar to measure others with.
And while we are caught up with the hustle of maintaining these things, we are not being genuine with one another and looking at each other for who that person is vs what they have.
Its like we are literally embodying the "f**k b**ches, get money" mantra.
I think how you treat other folks is the most valuable quality to have. It just means different things to different people.
my 2 cents.
thanks again
My recent post The value of these platforms
HONESTLY THIS ARTICLE IS IMMEDIATELY OFFENSIVE SEEING THAT IT IS CALLED
“THE PERFECT WOMAN: AN ARGUMENT FOR COMMITMENT” AND IS ILLUSTRATED BY SOME MIXED WHITE WOMEN ON A BLOGSITE CALLED SINGLE *BLACK* MALE . DOES ANYONE SEE THE IRONY HERE????
(as a black female i get tired of black men glorifying women of all other races and mixtures BUT black) SMH
This is deep and funny at the same damn time *Laughs* But It depends on standards and what people define as quality. I have really pretty friends but they cant cook and they can not clean but give you the best sex You ever had and the same with my guy friends Super attractive Rumors say they got boss Stroke But they have aboslutely s!@!# for brains or nothing going for theirselves. I didn't start dating until I was 18 I am a suburban Woman I dated different types of males I 1st started off dating thugs then I went off to college and fooled with the southern men, and so on. The more I experienced with dating the more my expectations Evolved and developed. When I was younger I couldn't tell you what I wanted in a man But now I have a small but reasonable list of requirements for a potential significant other if you do not meet them, Then there is no settleling here you need to hit the bricks. But people need to keep in mind there is nothing wrong with having standards but if you dont meet your own standards how are you going to demand that from the other person? And if you do meet or get that person that meets your standards they are gonna be like what do you have to bring to the table? Feel Me?
kisscougar.C óM——it's the most effective site in the world to connect with, date and marry successful, beautiful people.-Meanwhile, . It's worthy a try. You do not have to be rich or famous. !
I have shared this article with all my friends. Thank you!. I used to think that being childless, able to cook ery well, college educated, employed, with an hour glass figure etc was diamonds in guys eyes. I didnt understand why guys in their 20 s who wante dto settle down settled with women that put family life before having a career. Now I get it. These dudes were not about that life….