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Deion Sanders, Pilar, Domestic Violence and Me

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Recently, Deion Sanders “live tweeted” an incident that occurred between he and his wife. He filed charges against his wife and tweeted a pic of his sons filling out a police report. Twitter wasted no time with jokes and everyone had their opinion on how he should have handled the situation. Domestic violence is a sensitive subject to me because I’ve had personal experience with it and I know how deep the effects of it can run. When I see people make jokes about any domestic violence situation it really pisses me off.

Fights men and women.

Most times when you hear about domestic violence issues you think of a man abusing a woman. This isn’t always the case. Growing up, domestic violence was a two way street in my home. Some of my earliest childhood memories were of my dad abusing my mother and my mother in turn abusing my father. This was a regular occurrence that went back to before I was born. My mother has showed me X-rays of her arm in which she had a compound fracture at the hands of my father while she was pregnant with me. It really got me thinking that things could have got out of control and I easily couldn’t be here today. I can recall another instance where my parents were fighting in the basement of our old house. As my father was coming up the stairs my mom pushed the dishwasher down the steps on top of my father. I have stories upon stories. Honestly, I think I’ve probably mentally blocked out most of it. I do know that I found it funny that no matter who was the aggressor, when the police showed up my father always was the one carted off to jail. My mother could have whooped my dad’s ass and in retaliation he might have pushed her off of him. All she had to do was show a bruise and off to jail he went.

See Also:  Do Women Need To Do A Better Job Controlling Their Emotions?

There’s a strong notion that children who grow up in domestic violence households can turn out either one of two ways. 1) They can grow up and emulate the things they witnessed as children or 2) they can grow and become the complete opposite of what they experienced. I am the latter. I have zero tolerance for physical altercations. This goes for all my relationships, romantic and platonic. I’m determined to end the cycle of abuse. I know about the effects that domestic violence has on young children. They are impressionable and a lot of times adults don’t realize how much they actually internalize.  Before I enter any romantic situation I let my stance known from the very beginning what my views are on domestic violence and it is my number one deal breaker. I place it before cheating, lying or anything else people generally might not deal with.

There's nothing funny about this.

Here are some key statistics about domestic violence in the United States. All statistics can be found on the Future Without Violence website.

  • On average more than three women a day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the United States. In 2005, 1,181 women were murdered by an intimate partner.
  • Nearly one in four women in the United States reports experiencing violence by a current or former spouse or boyfriend at some point in her life.
  • 15.5 million children in the United States live in families in which partner violence occurred at least once in the past year, and seven million children live in families in which severe partner violence occurred.
  • Women who have experienced domestic violence are 80 percent more likely to have a stroke, 70 percent more likely to have heart disease, 60 percent more likely to have asthma and 70 percent more likely to drink heavily than women who have not experienced intimate partner violence.
  • About two in five of all victims of domestic violence are men, contradicting the widespread impression that it is almost always women who are left battered and bruised

Have you ever had any experiences with domestic violence (physically or emotionally)? What do you think about statistics on men being victims of domestic violence? What is your stance on dealing with domestic violence?

Comment(78)

  1. Good read Tunde.

    I’ve never dealt with domestic violence but I did grow up hearing my best friend’s horror stories. We first started to hear about what was going on while we were in Jr. High and it only got worse until he and his mom bounced. Dude had the combo of liquor, lack of respect, coke, and PTSD driving his rage and his actions shaped a great deal how his son deals with women. Sad ish.

    The stats always shock me. SC usually flirts with the top five when it comes to the percentage of women attacked by men that they know. Sadly while reading “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” I saw a stat saying 46% of Swedish women are abused. That just blew my mind.

    Dealing with CDV is rough. When the call is made the dude is almost always arrested. I have however seen cases where both parties should have been carted off. I will say that cops hate getting CDV calls. They can turn left really fast when the victim often changes their minds. (My cousinf was shot in the face during one of these calls.)

    Personally I think dudes who hit women are weak as ***k! Your fists aren’t an option when dealing with women, they just aren’t. I was always taught to walk the hell away. Just walk off.

    1. i never understood men who put their hands on women either. its so cowardly. men are inherently stronger than women. what does it prove that you can beat up a woman? that's why i put that picture of mayweather up. everyone was riding his nuts during the cotto fight. me? i USED to be a fan. i can never respect that man again. you put your hands on a woman and you're going to jail for it. that's what's hot in the streets?????
      My recent post Take Me Back to 1953

      1. First… I agree putting your hands on a woman is wrong. Second… outside of boxing, I'm not a huge fan of Mayweather the person. However, Mayweather's girlfriend has admitted, more than once, that she too put her hands on him. That side of the story rarely gets told because, as your post alludes, it doesn't fit the traditional script of only men can abuse women. It's not an excuse but it is a part of the story in his specific case. They had a long history of abuse on both sides; it culminated in the event we are aware of. Legally speaking, we must also keep in mind that Mayweather took a plea deal rather than fighting it in court, because that would have been even messier and his kids would have had to testify against both him and his ex. In a recent interview she also said she would take him back given the chance…which I think speaks to the chaos of their relationship in general. I say all this to say, this case isn't as black/white as others. A man hitting a woman is wrong but we should focus more on people hitting people is wrong, as that places responsibility on the side of both sexes.

        1. oh i am by no means exonerating his ex. i know that in their case DV is also a two way street just like in my household growing up. my issue is staying in a situation that will allow one explosive cumulative event where you can be perceived as an abuser. same thing happened with chris brown. you know the woman you're with is prone to put her hands on you and you stay? when your anger gets the best of you and you go upside her head who else besides her can you blame? you made your bed, now lay in it. regardless i still don't like him. he puts his hands on women.
          My recent post Take Me Back to 1953

        2. When both parties are violent the relationship just becomes toxic and thing will probably only get worse like it did with Floyd and others.

      2. I'm with y'all on Floyd. He is an amazing talent but there's nothing admirable about some of his actions outside of the ring and I'm guessing big Floyd didn't set a great example either.

  2. Interesting that I was just listening to a friend on Geraldo talking about this topic (Domestic Violence)
    http://www.urbancusp.com/newspost/rahiel-tesfamar

    One thing that I think gets lost in the domestic violence discussion is the definition of domestic violence. Your article speaks to the physical altercations, but there's also the concepts of sexual, emotional, verbal, economic, etc. And all these play a role into controlling the spouse/partner/other in a relationship.
    My recent post My Life (as a Number)

  3. I’m glad you’re speaking out on the subject; good post. I’ve never been the subject of domestic physical or emotional abuse (as far as romantic partners are concerned, that is…if I’m being honest, my parents flirted dangerously with that line on a few occasions where our punishment did not fit the crime), and like you, I have zero tolerance for it. I’m not at all surprised by the statistic, and I find it silly when people make fun of men who find themselves victimized. It’s not at all fair that the double standard still exists whereby men are automatically the ones tossed behind bars. I’m sorry, but some women act like brutes and should be dealt with accordingly. The initiator of the attack should be the one taken away, regardless of sex. The only exception is if it was in anticipation of a life threatening attack by other person.

  4. Thanks for sharing your story- that’s very courageous. I’m glad that you’ve taken such a strong stance against domestic violence, unfortunately, after experiencing the horrors of it.

    One thing I’ve noticed amongst some of my peers is that they will either change the definition and/or scope of domestic violence so that it doesn’t paint them as a victim or perpetrator. One person I know got into an argument with her boyfriend that ended in him slapping her. This was explained as “just a fight” and her boyfriend’s idea is “if you hit me I’m going to hit you.” These seemingly “small degrees” (small by their definition, not mine) can obviously turn into a monster. Last year, one of my classmates from high school was involved in a murder-suicide (he murdered his girlfriend and then killed himself once he was cornered). Apparently, he had a history of domestic violence with his girlfriend that was shrugged off as “minor.”

    In my time working over here in Zambia, domestic violence is generally frowned upon but not proactively dealt with by leaders of the community and definitely not by people who feel they have no power/say. It happened at such an alarming rate in one of the communities I lived in that my conversations with some people went: “Hey, how are you?,” “Oh, fine. I’m taking care of my mother. My father broke her legs last night.” And domestic violence/abuse takes on many more forms than physical here. I was heartbroken when a woman came into the clinic I was working in for pain killers because her husband wouldn’t let her take ARVs and even more so when another woman died at our clinic having to deny that she had HIV.

    Although, I’ve mainly been talking about physical domestic violence, I recognize that verbal abuse and other forms of abuse are just as detrimental. I’ll stop so that I don’t write a novel on this page.

    1. "Thanks for sharing your story- that's very courageous."

      i almost didn't share the personal side to this story. i was going to keep it very surface level but then i thought that if my story could help just one person then opening up would be worth it.

      sorry to hear about your classmate. this is what can happen when DV goes unchecked. the whole slapping thing isn't cool either. i've been slapped by one of my exes. i ended the relationship right there on the spot. i don't play around when it comes to that. she knew it and i guess she wanted to test me.
      My recent post Take Me Back to 1953

    2. "One thing I've noticed amongst some of my peers is that they will either change the definition and/or scope of domestic violence so that it doesn't paint them as a victim or perpetrator." <- exactly. I won't over-share but I've seen this happen with women and men close to me. I think this is also why DV educators, activists, advocates, etc are starting to use language that focuses on "healthy relationships" rather than "domestic/relationship violence"
      My recent post From the Soundtrack: Medicine for Melancholy

  5. I don't know much about the Deion and Pilar situation but I'm wondering why they had to make it so public. If somebody pushes you to the point of violence, why don't you just leave? My hubs already knows that if he lifts a finger to me, I'm so gone with the kids. Then again, I don't go around testing him too much either. I remember my mom and her boyfriend and their incidents. Even as a kid, I remember thinking why don't you just leave? You're not married, you have nothing keeping you here. The topic is a bit contoversial in my family but when we were mistreated, my sister went to school, told the counselor and we were removed from the home. To me, that's the right idea to give to a kid. If somebody is mistreating you, you don't have to put up with it, just remove yourself from the situation.

    1. "I don't know much about the Deion and Pilar situation but I'm wondering why they had to make it so public."

      ^^^This. I was wondering why he tweeted that picture and involved his children to that extent.

      As to the rest of your story, that's exactly why I think it's extremely important to create an environment where kids have adults they can trust and that should be school. Unfortunately, with budgets being cut and so much focus on high stakes tests we aren't paying as much as we should to their lives at home and how that impacts their life at school. I have a friend who works for legal aid and she says DV and children are very big problem, particularly in immigrant communities in Queens and the Bronx.

    2. Domestic violence is just as much mental as it is physical (see battered woman syndrome). I know that my dad didn't leave us because he wanted the power and the control and the "respect" he wasn't getting. I used to ask him all the time why he didn't just leave and he never had a good answer. My mom was similar. She was conditioned to believe that things would get better, she wanted her kids to have their father in their lives. Misguided yet well-intentioned.My dad used to tell me that the police don't respond to DV cases and that they wouldn't even come in the house. As a kid, I didn't think I had any options. We didn't talk about it. I didn't tell anybody for years, because it was "family business." I wish I had known, but now that I do, I'll make sure my kids understand the importance of speaking up on things like that.

      1. I’m sorry you guys went through that. I never asked my mom why she didn’t leave because I was afraid to speak on it. Honestly, it might not have ever occurred to me to say something to somebody but my sister bore the brunt of it and with a swollen eye I guess she was fed up so she told. She said she did it for me. It’s strange but I both love her and hate her for it. I wound going back to my mom after some years which is what a lot women seem to do with their aggressors where I’m from. When I was small my mom got back with one of her abusive boyfriends after we’d fled to a women’s shelter. If it’s true what she says about her childhood, it was pretty bad. So I see how things are cyclical. I don’t want to repeat that cycle. So far so good.

  6. I grew up with it too. My parents beat the hell out of each other, and though generally kept their hands off of my brother and me, we often got caught in the crossfire. My dad once shoved my brother out of the way so forcefully he hit the washing machine and got the wind knocked out of him. I had never seen it happen and I thought my baby brother was dying (I was probably 9 or 10 at the time). My dad would make up stories about my mom's male friends and tell me that I wasn't his kid all the time. He told me I had one of the dudes' nose. I hated my nose for years after that. It kills me to think of how incredibly selfish and careless they were with us… they put us in so much danger. Luckily, they finally got it together and the fighting stopped, but it was bad.
    I'm not surprised by the statistics about men at all. But I guess that's because I lived it and saw it first hand. I have a no tolerance policy for violence in my relationships. While I know that some abusers CAN change, many don't. And any man who feels like he needs to put his hands on me in that manner isn't worthy of me.

    1. I'm glad that you're brother was okay. When I was reading this, I thought about that scene in He Got Game when Jesus's mother was killed.

  7. Wow, very good topic. Im a product of DV… I wont go into every detail but now that I am "grown" I always ask myself why this is so prevalent. I know few women and less men will admit it but people out here are getting WWF-class @ss beatings. I can only speak from a black woman's perspective but, sometimes those of us who declare loudest what they would and wouldn't take are suffering silently. My stance is this if you need to raise your voice or place hands on someone then that's not a situation you should be in; most of us are at risk for hypertension anyways. If you can do this great if you cant you are not alone, It is easy to tell someone to leave now there is not so much of a stigma for divorcees but, a women's risk of dyiing INCREASES immediately after leaving (stalking, threats) please seek out your city's DV services. In our society we have a throw the baby out with the bathwater mentality, I wish that there were more rehabilitation for abusers. An abuser can be jailed but that's when they become more adept at the financial and emotional abuse which is more debilitating. I know many are apprehensive about therapy but it works find a therapist you like. I tell those I date about it early. Unfortunately, in some circles I am considered unmarriagable because the actions of my father were/are so pathological however, it sheds light on conflict management in a proactive fashion. Communicating our feeling may not be natural but its something that improves with effort. To outsiders, it is painful to know someone is getting abused but help only if asked, when ever friends would try to correct my father's behavior, it was going to worse that night and I would even try to deflect the beatings on me hoping he would get tired. Bring it up and let the person decide how they want to procede, they have to be financial and mentally prepared so that they do not go back.

    1. Thank you for noting that a woman's chance of death increases when she leaves her husband. As you mentioned, there's always a notion of "Why doesn't she leave? She must like being abused…" Or "That wouldn't be me! I'd NEVER LET a man put his hands on me!" I don't think people really understand the cycle of domestic violence or intimate partner violence. There's a great deal more than just the physical abuse. There's verbal abuse, financial abuse (your partner controls your finances), your partner stalks you, knows where you work, has isolated you from your loved ones… The list goes on and on.

      Also, I want to reiterate that IPV is not about violence… It's about control. This is why most statistics on IPV do not surprise me. I will never deny that men are victims of IPV, but in most situations women are the victims for many reasons, whether it be unequal pay in the work place and she's reliant on her partner, gender roles and dynamics that create an environment in some relationships of one partner being dominant over the other… (On a side note: our laws/services aren't LGBTQ friendly either. Men cannot go into DV shelters, but what about a woman who's FEMALE partner beats her? She's a woman and has access a man does not…) I could go on and on about this subject after working with victims of IPV in the judicial system… The things I've heard and witnessed…

      Lastly, there needs to be a better way of educating youth to understand that violence at ANY level is not okay. Keep your hands to yourself, treat others the way you want to be treated… And I again, do not deny that men are victims of IPV just as women are, but it does take a special education for our young men to recognize what a profoundly unhealthy relationship is. I will teach my future sons that they will be recognized as aggressors in the potentially dangerous situation, even if they didn't do anything, so stay far away from it. Also our boys need to recognize how important it is to communicate their emotions so they learn not to react physically.

      I'll stop writing a book now, but thank you for recognizing this topic Tunde, it's far too often overlooked and unrecognized.

      1. Thank you so much for including the LGBTQ part of it so important. I would also add that the manipulation piece of it is so important. If someone is threatening to report your illegal residency status you may take a beating to avoid deportation. An abuse partner can threaten to force you "out of the closet" or men who are getting abused may fear that leaving will prevent them from seeing their children as the courts are prejudiced to mothers. Its deep.

  8. Good post.

    I haven't experienced abuse firsthand. For the most part my upbringing was pretty "normal." Most of my experience with abuse has been as a witness – either through dating, seeing other people's parents/family, or seeing other abusive couples. Most of my intimate experiences with it has been through dating women that have suffered abusive pasts ranging from families to husbands. I agree that a man should never put his hands on a woman. As I said up thread, I also agree a woman should never put her hands on a man. Also, as krystl said I think in general their should be a 0 tolerance policy on both sides – but that seems to be the exception rather than the rule.

    On a personal note, I remember I was having a particularly heated argument with an X in my own home, so before it got out of hand I called the cops to have her removed. They told me to call back when a crime had been committed. I've never forgotten that experience and I wonder how many other men/women can relate… Here I am calling trying to PREVENT a crime and they basically said, "no thanks. Call us AFTER someone has started beating each other up." ….it was surreal to say the least.

      1. Yeah, the cops’ hands are tied and even so for bystanders to an extent. Trying to stop something like that from happening can lead to your life being put in jeopardy. I had this parks and rec job and I heard what I thought was a rape in progress (you could hear a struggle and a woman in distress telling someone to stop). Long story short, the dude pulls a knife on me… But I happened to have one too, so the coward put his away and took off. After talking to the young lady I found out that was her boyfriend and he was beating her. I tried to call the cops, but she told me nit to and that she wouldn’t tell them what happened… She just wanted to leave and I couldn’t hold her against her will. All I could really do was talk to her about how actions like that could escalate into even worse situations. After that, she gave me a hug and took off. I wonder what became of her.

    1. Unfortunately, especially in DV cases, police cannot show up unless they have something to charge you with, as it becomes a liability for them. Restraining orders have similarly grey areas that get people hurt all the time.
      It's really a sore subject because DV broke up a great relationship of mine…except the abuse never occurred in our relationship. He had been a victim for several years at the hands of his ex-wife, and even though many years passed before he met me, the scars were still fresh. It made every disagreement a hot-button, every question an accusation, and any complaint an egregious offense. It got to the point where I kept silent on every thing I didn't agree with, and the seeds of resentment just grew from there until it came to a giant head.
      We've since moved on, but I urged him just as I urge every victim of DV, male or female, to seek counseling to work thru your feelings. You may have been used to setting them aside that you do not even know they exist until they come out at the worst time possible.

      1. Agreed. This X had a similar past, except with a number of abusive ex-boyfriends, and I was really the first dude she ever seriously dealt with that didn't put my hands on her. HOWEVER, I'm also a pretty level headed dude because I had NEVER been taken to THE EDGE OF FURY like I had when dealing with that woman. Like…man…fo real…doe… I learned a lot about myself in that relationship – not all of it positive.

        She was a little bitty thing too but when we had a fight she was focused on winning BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY and while I never put my hands on her, I could see how a weaker man would. The things that came out her lil small bodied self? Bruh…

        My recent post Let the Games Begin: How to Become a Basketball Wife(y)

        1. That, right there, is abuse. Unfortunately we often get the "message" that a reaction, ANY reaction from a partner = caring or love, and that is so not what love is about. So they instigate. So often people think it is about violence when it is about control, and often victims of DV repeat the cycle by asserting complete control over their next relationship, and it just trickles from there. I found myself in a constant state of eggshells around dude, and would completely shut down at the slightest hint of confrontation. Not because I was afraid, but because I didn't want to be lumped in w' the x-wife. It took me a long time to figure out that it didn't matter what I did or didn't do, or how many people told me I was the "best thing that happened to him" . Unless he addressed the root source, everything that grew from it would eventually die… and we did.

  9. A man should keep his hands to himself, and a woman should keep her hands to herself. If you guys are in a heated argument and he is walking away don’t go chasing after him, and throwing things and hitting him, because you don’t know how he might react.
    I think Deion Sanders did the right thing by calling the cops and reporting the incident. I think he did himself a favor. I just wish they could handle their divorce in a more civil manor.
    Unfortunately if someone in your family or circle of friends is being abused, you can’t really help them until they are ready to be helped. Most people who are abused run back to their abuser at least 7 times before they really decide to leave or get real help. Plus a lot of women in DV situations have been isolated from, friends ,family and even sometimes work, so even when they do leave they have to start from rock bottom with no one, which could make them feel like the abuser is the only on there to save them.

  10. Thanks for sharing your story. My mother separated from my father early on before my siblings and I were old enough to know what was going on, however as we got older she informed us of why they seperated. I consider myself very blessed for having a mother strong enough to remove herself and her children from a situation like that.

    For a short time, I was a victim of emotional abuse (I won't go into detail) For awhile, I couldn't understand why I felt like crap when he spoke to me, I didnt recognize what it was. (Prior to all this, I had ask him about his father, and he told me it wasn't much to say about him besides the fact that he abused him in every way imaginable.) Eventually, I just got tired of feeling like crap when he was around and stopped seeing him.

  11. Domestic Violence is one of those topics that hits really close to home, on multiple levels. I grew up in a household where my dad was severely emotionally and mentally abusive to my mom. Occasionally physically as well, but some people don't realize that there are times when words can hurt more than fists ever will. My mom never really knew how to process her hurt from that dynamic for a long time – and it led to her lashing out at me and my little brother a lot. Not in any abusive way, per se, but she projected her anger and disappointment at herself onto us for a long time during and after her and my dad split – something that she still feels guilty about to this day. It took a long time for my mom and I to get to the relationship that we have today (which is still a work in progress), and it speaks volumes of how the impact of DV can really reverberate on everyone in the family.

    It took a long time for me to understand the patterns I had developed as a result of the environment I grew up in. To this day, if I get in a serious fight (not an intellectual debate – I can argue those for days), I just shut down. Its a reflex. If I feel like the argument is getting out of a window I'm comfortable in, its just easier for me to withdraw into myself – its a protective measure I've adopted after years of hostility in my childhood.

    In high school and college, I dedicated a lot of time to working on DV support and activism – and the stats are really heartbreaking. When you look at the amount of people that stay in DV relationships, and the woeful underhandling of DV situations until it becomes too grave it can really make you lose faith in society. I used to work a graveyard shift answering the Virginia statewide hotline and admitting people to my college town's shelter, and when you've spent time hearing and seeing people coming in battered and broken, it makes it hard to tolerate people making DV-related jokes on twitter – be it about Mayweather, Deion Sanders, or Chris Brown.

    Also, perceptions of what the "average victim" have severely skewed a lot of discussion about DV. There are male victims, but because most people view abuse as solely an act of physical aggression, as opposed to a systemic process of isolation, control, belittling and overpowering in any manifestation, its not ever really focused on. And the unique dynamics of LGBTQ relationships demand less association with male against female, and more of a focus on alpha vs beta. That's something that becoming increasingly addressed, but its still not universally accepted or understood.

    Another thing that I really wished was addressed more with DV advocacy is focusing on the aggressors. I think its a disservice to society to just dismiss people as bad guys and move on. There need to be increasing effort to really work on rehabilitation and reinforcing positive relationship habits on the aggressors to give them a chance of generating a healthy dynamic with whoever they choose to be with in the future. I've been told that I'm hard on CB/Floyd /etc, but I don't see them as bad people so much as people that sincerely need to work on themselves, yet refuse to because society is giving them a pass. They need to learn to process their anger in healthy ways , and not just tell people to get over it because enough time has passed. The fact that Floyd was involved in a violent altercation, yet got to delay his jail stint so he could get paid millions to be violent in a ring, and no one see a problem with that logic, kills me. The fact that tweens on twitter are saying that "CB can beat me up any day" make my soul cry. I don't think we should exile aggressors forever – but I do think we need to hold them accountable for their actions until they take the time to work on themselves and get to the root of their problems — and learn to process their anger in a healthy manner.

    I could go on about this topic for days, but I'll end my rambling here. Apologize in advance for the undoubtedly excessive typos.
    My recent post inomallday: @bruiser_ham lol truuuuuu *2Chainz voice*

    1. you know i never thought of domestic violence in a LBGT relationship. food for thought. i think its a great thing that you worked with battered victims of domestic violence.

      "To this day, if I get in a serious fight (not an intellectual debate – I can argue those for days), I just shut down. Its a reflex."

      come to think of it, i'm the exact same way. now i'm sitting here evaluating my past relationships and how i dealt with adversity and how my environment growing up could have played a role in that. hmmmm

      "The fact that Floyd was involved in a violent altercation, yet got to delay his jail stint so he could get paid millions to be violent in a ring, and no one see a problem with that logic, kills me."

      yeah but because its boxing and this country puts athletes on a pedestal, no one really wants to state the obvious.
      My recent post Take Me Back to 1953

  12. This thread makes me teary. My parents fought. I won't detail that, but I will say that the effects of DV linger. For example, when other women are drooling over dudes with big muscles and stuff, all I see is someone who could overpower and hurt me. Not sexy. No. I like 'em slim enough that I might win if it comes to blows. It took me years to realize that about myself.

    I also don't like to argue. I'm not a pushover don't get me wrong, but I will crack a joke to diffuse a tense situation. This became an issue with me and my ex-husband because not everything can be wiped away with a joke and things we should have discussed and possibly argued about just got swept under the rug. And now, we are divorced.
    My recent post My "perfect" man…

  13. I have been a victim. More than once this has occurred in my life. I do not allow it anymore. So much co that I have PTSD and am hyper sensitive to any potential violence. I have rage and I control it. I cannot take anyone in my personal space and I have a hard time trusting. In my current relationship I found solace but that too comes with separation anxiety and some issues that i am working on with a therapist. I believe there will be a world without violence only not in my lifetime…I am 42. My daughter now 20 is involved in a relationship with physical and mental abuse and she cannot see it and I am being destroyed again…she is practicing what she saw. I am sad eternally for this…pray for us all Tunde!

    1. Your post really struck a cord with me, Monica you are really not just surviving by thriving in the face of adversity. By leaving and seeking therapy I hope that you are able to find future relationships that allow you to feel secure and safe. In regards to your daughter, I will keep you guys in my prayers and suggest that you always continue to foster communication with her no matter how much he prevents it. She ma experience some shame because she is finding herself repeating a cycle but perhaps you two can create a plan for leaving where she will feel comfortable to leave and cut off all communication. Best of luck to the both of you.

  14. I have never been the victim of domestic violence, but I’ve dated a couple of women that were victims of dv (my girl’s previous relationship was one). As for the stats involving men being the victims of dv,i could believe that. There are a bunch of angry, frustrated people out here (men and women) that don’t havr a healthy outlet for those feelings. Add to that the fact that many people don’t see a problem with a woman attacking a man (the no good such and such probably deserved it), and many woman know the law is on their side if they are the aggressor. I actually saw that first-hand when and woman began to slap and man in the face and even kicked him several times. He started to raise his voice and tell her to chill, but she shut him up real fast, saying that if said anything else she’d call the cops and say that he hit her, thus violating his parole. Dude gave me a “help me” look and sadly, I didn’t do much but basically shake my head at him.

  15. Well, this is an insightful post. I witnessed fights just before my mother left and took my siblings and I (6) for good. I was about 4 at the time and remembered packing up and heading to a shelter while my dad was out doing whatever the hell he was doing at the time. While I won't go into the experience of relocating and everything that came with it, it showed me a valuable lesson: When you're really tired of a situation, you'll do something to change it, no matter the cost of doing so. If she can leave with 6 kids with no money, I can [email protected] sure leave a chick that even thinks about putting her hands on me.

  16. Thank you for sharing your story. I think you really showed the complexity that is involved with DV. I used to work as a DV counselor and the thing we were always were reminded of was the fact that victims, or survivors as we preferred to call them, come in various forms and that the situation is many times not one-sided. The reason we referred to people in these situations as survivors was not only because it is a more empowering term, but also because many people in these situations do what they can to survive. The things they may have to do to survive in these situations may not be socially acceptable, but that is how they get by in these toxic relationships. It’s also important to note that DV is most times not just physical, it can include verbal and emotional abuse. At times, that can be more damaging than actually physically harming someone.

    No form of abuse should be tolerated from anyone. So in my personal life, I refuse to allow anyone to degrade me or make me feel that I am not valuable. I saw my mother being physically and emotionally abused when I was growing up and I refuse to allow that to be my life. I also refuse to treat anyone in that way. Nonetheless, it is a constant struggle because there have been times when I have been verbally or emotionally abusive and realizing that hurt like hell because I knew where it was coming from and I hate for anyone to feel pain.

  17. It is sad to see how common domestic violence is, but it is important to know. Thank you for this post. My dad was also very verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom and me and my brothers. Alcoholism played a large role in this. My mom provoked him so much so that I just knew he would one day hit her, but he never did. Which leads me to conclude that if a drunk, angry man being provoked can still refrain from hitting a woman, it certainly can be done.

    My mom said she stayed so that we could have both parents in the home, but I realize that I respected her less for staying and subjecting herself and us to such an environment. It is helpful to read other people's stories because up until now, my mother and I don't have the greatest relationship, and I can relate to what @Shamira mentioned about shutting down when I sense an argument on the horizon, and this could largely be due to what I experienced as a child.

    I also realized that growing up in such an environment has made me more tolerant of dudes who are so completely out of line, but not anymore. I have become better at walking away from situations where I can see signs that my partner could possibly be abusive.
    My recent post An Open Letter to Rihanna

  18. Read the post…read the comments…

    Praying for all who've ever experienced abuse of any kind…

  19. Thank you for writing this. I have never really heard the male perspective regarding domestic violence. I too grew up in a home where my father physically and verbally abused my mother. He never hurt us (his children), but all the nights we stayed awake listening to the fighting left scars that may never heal. You'd be surprised at what goes on behind closed doors.

  20. Men's violence against women is not the same as women's violence against men. It's not. First of all, biological males have larger bodies than most biological females. Bigger bodies generally mean more weigh, more muscle, and more testosterone- a recipe for winning a fight. Second, most women who commit domestic violence are usually just protecting themselves. This has been demonstrated in research through most of a women's bruises being "defensive" wombs. Finally, the power structure is completely set up to benefit men. Often women who flee abusive relationships are burdened with taking care of children, finding a higher paying job, and potentially being stalked by the abuser. The easiest alternative for her is to stay and fight. I'm not suggesting that women are never the primary aggressor. I'm just saying that we can not equate women as aggressors to men as aggressors. It's like saying that black people being bigoted toward white people is the same as white racism. Whoever has the most power in the culture is more culpable for their actions. Period.

  21. I'm so glad to read eye opening articles like this, as it is frustrating to see ignorance about the reality of DV, that being women also abuse men, and that the law and judicial system need to wise up to this.

  22. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “I wanted him to hit rock bottom so bad that when someone would make a joke like ‘hey I got a friend who would hurt him’ I was taking him seriously.I wanted his car destroyed..I wanted him hurt so that he could be in the hospital.. I put my son in harms way so many times by my driving or my yelling at him to get in the car faster so I could chase after Jason..I knew what I was doing was wrong and crazy……I used to get so upset that I would yell at my son and I would drive erratically or couldnt' function or thought of all sorts of things to get back at him..” 4/15/06 #8420, http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/naranonsuppo

  23. Angelique Picillo (Baker Kindel) “excuse me for saying so but I do have a degree in domestic violence and addiction… I could never write a book on being an abuser or wht they are thinkin i really don't get it… I have been through dv over and over so I can say I understand it and write a book on that…” Lundy Bancroft • April 7, 2012 at 10:19pm • WHEN HIS PUT-DOWNS SOUND TRUE&hellip ;http://lundybancroft.blogspot.com/2012/04/when-his-put-downs-sound-true.html

    LIER

  24. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I’ve been scared of him…not physically but…I don’t wnat to live in fear if my partner will be there for me I want a lot of things in life andI don’t want ot wonder if I’ll be able to get them…” 6/15/06 #9524, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  25. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I asked him tocome let me have sex with me……today was a day when I was tryin gto hurt myself…after all the nasty things he has said anddone…” 6/27/06 #9725, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  26. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I started gettingpetty…tellinghim hemademefeel like a blow up doll so I’m going to find some guy and make video tape and mail it to him cause he’s irresponsible loser…he says to stop being mean…” 7/6/06, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  27. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I don’t have random sex…taht was when I was 16, and I had low self esteem…” 3/26/06 #7959, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  28. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…myhusband,jeremiah, things got bad between us, and I kepttellinghim and he was cold and callous I said one day, that I felt like I would cheat on him…in telling Jason this story he said if I ever said that to him he would die and wouldn’t let me go…well I’ve said it several times to him and he hears nothing…” 6/4/06 #9266, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  29. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “… I want him so bad I read every little thing and apply it towards a sign that we are together…” 4/28/06 #8653, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  30. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…obsessing takes the fun out of everything…I can’t do anything including take care of my kids emotional needs.” 4/22/06 #8593, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  31. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…during our relationship he was SUPER and then it stopped…he’s so helpful and giving to others and I get NOTHING…” 4/19/06 #8522, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  32. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…making me do crazy things or feel like doin crazy things…my crazy things usually involve driving two hours to RI…” 3/31/06 4:06 am, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  33. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…forgetting what normal boundaries are…still to this day I forget…what’s normal…I am ALLOWED to want to talk to him…jesus crud…” 4/19/06 #8515, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  34. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I do not have one person supporting me besides my therapist and I even feel at times that if I get in one disagreement/argument with even a stranger I can’t handle ANYTHING with J…about starting over …although I’m 26 I have a whole sleu of health problems…and embarrassing ones…and I met this guy right after I left my husband…so I went from a failed marriage to a wonderful relationship to him leaving…its hard for me to open up about the embarrassing medical problems…and I still deal with that now…how can I possibly start over…” 4/21/06 1:59 pm, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  35. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I was crazy waiting for him to either answer mine or send me one…wanting to die every day… I am one of those people that would sit and rationalize with him until he agreed, then it will quickly change.” 4/25/06 #8626, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  36. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I found out he rented a uhaul as his het away vehicle..170 pllus gas and tolls one way from mass to RI…andtheguys at the desk told me he was talkingshit about me…devastation again…I got a no abuse order andandorderfor him to stayaway form myhouse…a couple days later I got emails an instant messages all hours of the day and night saying he makeamistake, couldn’t live without me and needed me. I ignored him thenoneday I responded because I needed answers to some questions. He made the promises to make things up to me and plan to continuewithhis batterers program,attend na, and get therapy as well as his own apt…” 10/20/06 #11564, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  37. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I can’t stop trying to control his behavior…” 7/8/06 #9912, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  38. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…if J hadn’t called the cops on me and made upa story last year then I would have kept on callinghim and what not…even after that I still checked for himo n the internet anddroveto seehim at drag racing…basically there was no way to find out about him…I had checked on him so many times it’s like it called to me…” 7/5/06 #9833, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  39. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…As far as using Blaise…maybe on some level…one level is that I am finally accepting he will fail me over and over so it’s like I need to tell him, so he can reject me, so I can get it through my fat head…but secondly a small part of me is thinking that there is no possible way he can reject a little baby that just last week he was so concerned about by a little tiny cough he had…” 6/6/06 #9305, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  40. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I went to my therapist yesterday and told her how I was ‘strong’ but kinda rude to J and she politely reminded me that my relationship with J and his relationship with his son is two different things…” 5/11/06 #8818, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  41. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I am VERY confrontational when I think the wool is being pulled over my eyes…he had run away the week before…I basically forced him into buying me something cause to me it mean that her would be around…” 3/26/06 #7970, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  42. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “I go to therapy… however I’ve had 10 years or so of trying to find the right one and walking out after I didn’t feel understood…when it gets real bad, I’ve even gone twice or three times a week…walking in feeling like I want to jump…” 3/27/06 #8000, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  43. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…writing him email after email does nothing for me…when I get hurt by him my anger can tend to be explosive…not having him to yell at has made me a much calmer person…” 3/22/06 #7870, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  44. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “…I tend to do things for the reaction…an hour later I will be disappointed if I don’t get the reaction I wanted, then my plan has backfired…”, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

  45. Angelique Kindel (Picillo, Baker) “… I had to fight and fight and they finally fave me morphine pills which did nothing…the only thing that would work was morphine IV…I have morphine in my cabinet right now…” 3/29/06 2:30 am #8075, Naranon Support at Yahoo Groups.

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