The Twenty Step Guide to Drunk Texting

Every so often we get to partying and we end up having a couple more drinks than we planned. As adults, we get to the point where we know how to drink responsibly, but like they say, “I didn’t go looking for trouble, trouble found me.” When that trouble is in the form of an adult beverage, it can quickly lead to embarrassing moments. Whether it’s your birthday, Jesus’s birthday, your man’s birthday, or you just got a little too far ahead of yourself before dinner, it happens. Of course, you know what happens next… you take out your phone and get to texting. Oh so many of those text messages we wish we could get back, but you can’t. Anyway, I took the liberty of jotting down a guide to drunk texting.

1.  Jeezy texts are the bomb. “Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.” I’m all about Jeezy text messages.

2.  Be persistent. I stole this during research so this isn’t original Dr. J insight, “Patience is virtue, persistence gets the job done.” When drunk texting, channel your inner Tucker Max and don’t stop negotiating until the deed is signed.

3.  When in doubt, LOL or extreme exclamation point usage will get you out of anything. You always have about 30 seconds to recall any text message with, “I’m just messing with you.”

4.  It’s perfectly okay to text your ex… as soon as your over them. If you just found out your ex is a single… and you just so happen to have had a little too much Don Julio, fire a text away. That’s fair game. Just don’t text your ex at 2AM to ask her if she’s heard “Marvin’s Room.”

She didn’t say when…

5.  Short messages = plausible deniability. The more you write, the more there is to hold you to. Also, the more you write the more visibility there is into your state of mind. Keep your words curt and you’ll be fine.

6.  Overshadow your texting in the club by exaggerating about how “live” the party is.

7.  Keep in mind the time. If you’re talking back and forth with someone at 3AM, don’t be surprised if you get a Zzzzzz….

8.  Don’t make plans with two people at the same damn time. In the case that it happens, abandon ship. Deploy a firm, stop, drop and roll. Stop texting, drop the phone, roll up out of the crib.

9.  Don’t beg. Send a few texts, ask a few questions, if you’re getting met with a lot of apprehension, ditch it.

10.  It’s a short message service, save your dissertations for email or never. Holidays are a good time to expect a dissertation in your text message inbox. People love to talk about what they are not taking with them into the New Year. It’s just that nobody has time for your speeches, Sofia.

11.  The statute of limitations on drunk texting proposals is six hours, when you wake up all bets are off. Drunk and horny at 3AM in the morning, you’ll promise to make him breakfast in the morning. Once he declines and you wake up at 10AM and his incoming text about brunch can go to hell.

12.  It’s bad enough if you’re going to drive after drinking, but adding texting to it is just flat out egregious. We had to have a brief moment to remind you to drink responsibly.

13.  No Country for Repeat Text Offenders. Don’t ever send these texts: “Did you get my text?”, “Are you ignoring me?”, or “????????” That’s bat sh*t crazy texting.

14.  Temper your texts by asking how you would feel if she snapshotted this conversation and Instagram’ed it. People who snapshot text message conversations are the scum of the earth, but it’s a reality these days. Be careful, don’t end up on the Summer Jam screen.

15.  Don’t send unsolicited pictures of genitalia. You have no clue where the person is located on the other end of that text message. He could be opening that text message in a crowded room.

16.  Autotext can be embarrassing. Make sure you are texting Mandy and not Mama, and also make sure you proofread. Man this happened to me in college…

17.  Women love Emoticons.

18.  Yo dawg, stop texting me! I always get very uncomfortable when one of my boys sends me a text in the wee hours of the night saying, “What you up to?” I know he might be trying to find the next move, but don’t text me dawg.

19.  Don’t tease me! If you’re one of those people who just enjoys a little drunk texting because it passes the time, you’ll soon be left alone.

20.  The Morning After… Women: delete, delete, delete. Men: deny, deny, deny.

Peep who the text is to…

There you have it, that’s the guide. Funny piece of advice, you can actually use drunk texting to end a situation when you’ve run out of answers. This is one of my all-time favorite swindles; I call it the Imaginary Booty Call. Here’s what you’re going to do;

1. 1. 1. Don’t go out with the person you’re trying to ditch.
      2. In fact, don’t talk to them that entire night.
      3. Later that night, let’s say around 3AM, text them and say, “Yeah, that’s cool you can come over, just don’t ring the bell, I’ll leave the door open.”
      4. Then text them and say, “Sh*t…”

That’s mean, I know. It’s Friday, I’ll get at y’all next week. Peace!

– Dr. J

This one’s called, Liquid Courage by @CarverTheGreat, enjoy. Tracklist below. Download here, or stream below.

Tracklist:1. I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas, 2. Shots by LMFAO, 3. I’m The Ish by DJ Class, 4. Put Your Drinks Up by Kardinal Offishall, 5. Memories by Kid Cudi, 6. Patron, Tequila by Paradiso Girls, 7. Everybody Drunk by Ludacris, 8. Throwed Off Interlude, 9. Wasted by Gucci Mane, 10. Good Night by Roscoe Dash, 11. No Sleep by Wiz Khalifa, 12. Cheers by Rihanna, 13. Buy U A Drank by T-Pain