Home Featured Five Ways Men Contribute To Female Insecurity

Five Ways Men Contribute To Female Insecurity

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When Eva's having a problem keeping a man... we got problems.

In the next installment of my series, “Combating the Female Fear of Rejection,” I wanted to ensure that these posts went both ways. The most frequent feedback we receive from our female readers is a request that we give advice to men too. Although, we often give advice to men, y’all don’t read those posts because the titles don’t interest you, it’s important to bring men into the conversation too.

Let’s face it; men don’t understand women all that much. We can only go as far as saying women are predictable. However, we don’t understand the things you do all that much. Most men are quick to call a woman out on lacking self-esteem or self-confidence, but in the same breath accuse an equal amount of women of being overconfident or having too much self-esteem. Fellas, that’s downright confusing to women. When you leave women in a constant state of confusion the progression goes as follows; Confusion, Paranoia, and then Insecurity.

Let’s examine how we as men factor into all of this, what are those ways in which we increase female insecurity?

Problem: Men entertain themselves with an image of women that doesn’t reflect reality. 

Situation: As men, we spend hours upon hours searching for pictures of women on the internet that are pleasing to our eyes and libido. It’s no secret that I have a thing for Rosa Acosta. Everybody is entitled to crush on who they want to crush on. How does this manifest itself in my dating? There are going to be tons of women who don’t think I’ll ever find them attractive because they don’t look like Rosa Acosta. We are all doing that. The only people who are not doing it, are doing it privately. However, take a look at how this entire concept manifests itself and pretty much every facet of our lives. The music we listen to and debate on Twitter and blogs is primarily misogynist. We claim that we don’t listen to that trash. That’s a lie. In the same breath that J. Cole talks about his mother and his struggle with his girlfriend through an abortion, he’s also talking about not remembering women’s names. Insert: Confusion.

See Also:  Confessions of a Cerebral Dater: Learning to Trust Your Partner

Solution: There’s nothing wrong with the way I feel about Rosa Acosta, just like there’s nothing wrong with how my homegirl feels about Michael Ealy. It’s going to take more open communication from men to tell women that although we find those women attractive, we find the ones we see every day attractive too. We have to make sure that we tell them that we’ve never dated Rosa Acosta, just like she’s never dated Michael Ealy. We’re both going to have to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. 

Problem: Men refuse hard work, when easier options are available. 

Situation: As men, we create this overbearing fear that women can’t ask us to work but so hard for their hand in companionship. We’d like women to sacrifice and reduce expectations to what we deem a viable compromise. We refuse to pay $200 on a date… when we clearly can afford it. We refuse to call, preferring to text or email… when we’re not doing anything but playing video games. Therefore, we want a top notch woman, but don’t want to put in top notch work? Confusion!

Solution: Anything that comes easy is probably not worth having. It’s going to take hard work. This isn’t fair to our counterparts because we ask them to jump through hoops for us, but at times, we won’t do the same for them. As a man, we’ve got to go out and seek women that we can’t walk over or get anything we want out of them whenever we want, no matter what. That ideal woman… requires hard work. 

Problem: Men have the most unrealistic expectations of the women they date. 

Situation: As men, we think that the woman we’ll commit to is going to be perfect. We believe in this concept of the superwomen (also known as a unicorn) who can do any and everything we want. One problem, that superwoman does not exist. When a man gets to the mountaintop, he starts thinking about all the things he’d like to have differently in his next hiking trip. There will always be a taller mountain to climb, there will always be a nicer view from another apex, and there will always be many more adventures that could be had. This leads women to wonder, when is enough actually enough? Even I agree, that’s confusing.

See Also:  Single Black Mail: Inner circle dating and the friends caught in the middle

Solution: If you really want to avoid sliding expectations, sit down and write down everything you want out of a woman on a sheet of paper. When you evaluate a potential partner take out that sheet of paper and see if she stacks up. This is going to help you grow and also keep you out of situations where you have to break things off with a woman due to sliding expectations. When she asks you why you’re not interested in pursuing anything serious with her, you can show her the list of expectations or communicate to her that she didn’t meet them. My last piece of advice is that you do this in the first 60 days. 

Problem: Men have systems in place like rating systems and Carfaxes as precursors to picking a mate. 

Situation: As men, we swear by our systems. Women get afraid when a man starts digging into her life too much because they never know what he might find. There’s been a couple of guys she’s dated she would have preferred to never have met, just like there’s a bunch of women we’d love to never see the light of day. As if that wasn’t bad enough, men have this way of downgrading their interactions with women to save face with their boys. They will totally be into a woman but they’ll tell the homies, “Oh we just kicking it, she ain’t all that.” Women don’t want to be portrayed as a piece of meat or a mediocre option to pass the time. What is she to make of the fact that you tell her that there could be future, but tell your boys she’s just “some chick.” I can see why she might be confused.

Solution: I don’t believe in the concept of a Carfax. This is my recommendation; base your decision on whether to pursue a relationship with a woman on character, integrity and trust. If you question any of those qualities, walk away immediately. Second, stop talking to your boys about the women you date. Personally, I have about three dudes in my circle who I will talk about my dealings with a woman before it’s serious and those discussions are never done in groups. 

Problem: Men rarely leave women with a reason for why things didn’t work out. 

See Also:  Relationships: Where Female Insecurity and Male Insensitivity Collide

Situation: As men, we have a strange way of breaking things off with women. Even when we do the due diligence of breaking things off in a mature and concise way, we rarely have a conversation about everything that went wrong. This is for several reasons; in some ways, we’re afraid of what that conversation will go like, in others, we just don’t want to hurt her feelings. We’re afraid to tell her that she was a little too loud, or that she talks about marriage a little too much. We’re not trying to tell her that she has trust issues, or that (HEAVEN FORBID) she has an attitude problem. Whatever the reason when we leave and don’t offer a reason, it causes confusion.

Solution: Men have to start having tough conversations with woman about, “what went wrong.” Do I think it will potentially lead to her trying to convince you why you’re wrong? Of course it will, nobody wants to think that they are a bad person or that they don’t have the power to change. However, when we don’t give them the liberty of an explanation, they’ll walk around confused as to what went wrong and how to fix it. 

I’m going to stop here and end with a short conclusion. I can predict right now that most men won’t admit to doing any of the things above. I can also predict that most women will have experienced these things in their past. There’s a disconnect here. We don’t have to spend today going back and forth on what’s wrong and what’s right, but at the end of the day we can confirm. If as a man, you’ve never done any of these things, you’re great. I’m just almost positive without a doubt you know someone who has. We can stay in denial that things occur or at least admit it so there’s a few less insecure women walking around fearing rejection.

– Dr. J

Comment(86)

  1. Usually, I can’t rock with you. Whenever I decide to read your posts, Im almost always rubbed the wrong way. However, this post hit the spot. good stuff.

  2. Feeling it. Not sure about that list though. Seems like if its truly a deal breaker you should know it off the top of your head. And 60 days is a bit much. If its truly something you can't deal with long term you should cut ties as soon as it comes up.
    My recent post Lessons from Baby Boy

    1. Ummm…. you know I used to agree with you, but now I realize that sometimes people grow, sometimes people are completely oblivious to the things they are doing… you point them out and they can change or make adjustments almost immediately. The reason why I say 60 days is more for men. I've seen men stay in relationships for 2-3 years knowing that she is not going to make it in the long run. I've seen a man date and continue to be in a monogamous relationship with a woman for 6 months and he knew a month in she did something he would never forgive. I think it's a healthy compromise.

  3. I'm dealing with a guy who has unrealistic expectations… but i don't think he had unrealistic expectations before he met me.

    but its whatever. i'm not mad. anymore. lol.
    My recent post Hey!

      1. yup. when we first started talking he was really into me… said he really like me b/c i was awesome and said i was pretty, nice, fun to hang out/talk to, could converse, could cook, intelligent, accomplished… blah blah…. then one day when we were having dinner and he started talking about how he doesn't know what he wants and he needs to figure that out. i kinda gave him the side eye, but let it slide… maybe i should have delved further b/c things have pretty much been going downhill since then.

        he did tell me what he thought he was looking for… and based on what he listed i don't know where i don't measure up, but i don't think he does either.

        i don't know. i don't think its really about me, i think he just wants to be single right now. i don't think he's being totally fair, so i'm dating other ppl.
        My recent post Hey!

        1. I don't know if you can call that sliding expectations or just not being forthright. If you stop talking to him altogether you'll be able to really figure out the situation. It does sound awfully familiar to most situations I hear about. Seems really into you at first and then starts to drift away… Do you think you changed any after he admitted he was into you?

        2. i don't think so… not consciously. you may be right… it maybe an issue about him not being completely honest about what he's really feeling. either way, i can't know unless he tells me and that doesn't seem to be something he's wants to do. but i decided to bounce b/c i'm looking for a long-term relationship this doesn't seem to be moving in that direction. it sucks b/c we've been dating for a few months… but i guess i have to just cut my losses.
          My recent post Hey!

        3. Sounds like He's on his "Donnel Jones – Where I wanna be" tip. I always find myself wanting for traits in other women that I currently have in the woman Im dating. Why do men do this? We have a fear of missing out on the "greener grass". We also find ourselves in situations where we are simply searcing for those magical butterflies and we CANT pinpoint whats MISSING enough to be able to articulate it to women. I personally like disappearing from relationships when they're not working out. I am also a guy who does his best work in the "gray area". Its like, I like you enough to kiss you in the mouth, and spend Sunday afternoons with you BUT I know in my heart that you are NOT the one for me in the long run. Does this make me immature? Does this make me not a REAL man? Or does this simply make me a dreamer, out here in the world, dating, drinking, lusting, loving and living waiting on Mrs "Right" to invoke those butterfly feelings in me that I cant deny. It all depends on who you ask I guess…

    1. Honestly, it sounds like he found someone else he's into more than you. I think you should move on. Don't waste anymore of your time.

  4. Once upon a time my friend's dad suggested that her and I write a list of 10 qualities that we wanted in a man. I thought it was ridiculous at first but he made me do it. After I completed my list of 10 qualities I reread them and thought it might be impossible to obtain those qualities in one person. So I compared them to the greatest man I know, fortunately for me, my father. And they all matched up. Of course this list was full of characteristics like integrity and hard-working, not materialistic things like, he has to make 6 figures. None the less it made me realize who to spend my time on and where to draw the line. I think it's a good recommendation for both men and women to keep a list and to check that what you expect from another, you're also offering as well.

    Thx Dr. J

    1. Leta that type of list is a great thing and when used and used wisely can keep u from wasting your time with the wrong ones, and help you let the right one in.

  5. Wooh yes. I was going to nearly echo what Samantha says… sometimes I read your posts and I'm like laaaawd what is Dr. J going to say today (but I always read it all the way through) and today I am pleasantly surprised. The crazy thing about this is this post could easily be called 5 ways Little Miss Sunshine becomes insecure AND makes men insecure. Food for thought.

    Nice post.

  6. Last one reminds me of devastating scene in School Daze, which I'm watching now, when Julian breaks up with Jane. Why couldn't he have just been straight up?

  7. Cosign the second thought. The stock prices of nani has fallen so much. Women throw it out there like its nothing. Because of that fact, we are lazy and arent willing to chase a woman that is worth it. She doesnt answer a text or email, we move on to the next one or try again another weekend. Till she comes around, we have a team in place. With a team or rotation in hand, why waste time trying to get to know somebody new? Or why put full effort when you can call somebody else to spend time with you? When I am finally ready to find someone that is quality, I will put in the work. Till then I'll continue my lazy, texting, timewasting ways haha.

  8. Dope post, pretty much agree across the board…

    1. You’d think the difference between fantasy and reality is all but assumed but because women tend to overthink I diversify my crushes. I try not to keep talking about the same women so she don’t think “all i touch is J. Los”. In reality i love women too much to pick one (crush wise).

    2. I agree wholeheartedly. The issue of settling comes up a lot here when in reality its women being too afraid to draw a line in the sand even if its worth being single for a bit.

    3. At first i was thinking 60 days is too soon but as i think about it, i’m probably quicker than that. Its not a physical list per se but i have a very particular set of questions i like to ask about a month in or 4th date whichever comes first. Not only do i see how she matches up but i also get a glimpse at her “list” (unless shes one of those just ask what i just asked her back types).

    4. Unless you marry your high school sweetheart you’re going to end up with a woman with somewhat of a past. I have a couple of blotches on my resume as well. Unless its something like drug and alcohol abuse, i usually turn a blind eye to your past.

    5. I’m one of the rare ones that will let you know where things went south. I’m holding you accountable for the things i felt ended our relationship, i’m willing to hear your reasons (which makes no sense if im breaking up with you why suddenly you have issues to discuss with me but they always do). Hopefully you’ll take what i say and apply it to your next quest at love (or you can just listen to Jazmine Sullivan and say i aint ish and never loved you…your choice)

  9. Problem: Men entertain themselves with an image of women that doesn’t reflect reality.

    I've been a victim of this many times. I haven't approached or returned the advances of several men who had previously made it clear they were often highly attracted to women who looked nothing like me. I don't believe in approaching men for various reasons, but the fact that in most clubs you have to dress/act/look like those fantasy women to get noticed is another reason I usually don't bother. With a normal, steady bf now who communicates, I understand that he can be attracted to other people in media and still be attracted to me; he's got a wide range of attraction and I know now I don't have to feel threatened.

    Problem: Men refuse hard work, when easier options are available.

    I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out and please dudes, and in response was always told to lower my standards even further or to not expect the same from dudes. At first I was bitter and disillusioned, feeling like I put in the effort to deal with men and they didn't reciprocate, but then I just stopped. I read blogs now for entertainment and discussion with community, NOT for advice or another guide. Dudes who want me have to be trying for me as much as I'm trying for them or I walk.

    Problem: Men have the most unrealistic expectations of the women they date.

    Indeed. My most terrible ex was this way. I turned myself into pretzel for him. Changing into some new thing he wanted that once he got, he didn't want. Then it was back to the drawing board, time to change again. It was exhausting, and I literally briefly took crazy pills to deal with it. Finally, I gave him the big F you and bounced. I had isolated myself with him and pleasing him was important. When I reached out to others and became more involved with community, etc., I realized everyone else thought I was just fine, so maybe my DUDE was actually the one with the problem. Good riddance.

    Problem: Men have systems in place like rating systems and Carfaxes as precursors to picking a mate.

    I really hate this. That might've been clear from my vehement involvement in this week's post that talks about the 1-10 scale of women and how SUPPOSEDLY women don't (or shouldn't) have the same thing for men. Whatevs. I am NOT interested in men who are spending their time giving the unrealistic women they already idealize an EIGHT on said scale, and don't want to worry about not measuring up. Y'all rate and measure penises and leave me to someone who's outgrown that.

    Problem: Men rarely leave women with a reason for why things didn’t work out.

    This doesn't bother me. I don't think the breakup needs to be as strenuous as the relationship was when it's time to end it. Just end it and move on. I believe it's then that you take time for SELF reflection to think about what went wrong (with him AND YOU!). I don't need an exit interview for a relationship, or another evaluation. I'm sure we discussed the problems before the breakup, so if I'm honest, I already know the problems.

  10. A man shouldn't be able to make a female insecure, women should just know they're the isht and allow a man's desire to draw him to her. He needs to feel something in himself that makes him work for it. Personally, self-esteem and confidence are drawn from within a deep well of intrinsic accomplishments. Deriving from SELF. Exuding to the world who I am is absolutely perfect. I set my own path I am my own beliefs I voice my opinions I am my own person. I can depend on ME to love me. The most a man can do is make me watch his 'I want you as a mate' performance. If anything, I'm insecure about depending or relying on another person in any way shape or form let alone allowing the watered down version of true love to enter such a stable internal environment. I'm insecure about being my personal best and if it will inspire my man to be his; if he'll be adequate at doing so. A woman should be able to sit in a corner and seduce the entire city. She should entice a man in and of herself. Why deny her? Why neglect her? Your desire is far too overwhelming to hide behind yourself or pretend.

  11. Problem: Men refuse hard work when easier options are available.
    What I heard was "men don't work hard". Females don't make it so they have to. We like to serve men be it with our bodies our careers what we have to offer. We allow the minimum to be okay while we give our all hoping we stand out more than the next woman. Men have a sense of entitlement to all that is feminine and nowadays women are so set on being independent, what else is there to do but use you? He can't strive for you. He can't serve you. He can't care for you. He can't know you. He can't be a man to you in any significant capacity because your effort goes into being him for yourself. He can only see the lie you created as an identity and say yes I'd like to use you or no I don't want you. Men live for themselves, occasionally feigning care for a woman who suits HIS needs. She is rotated out once she's served her purpose and women are perfectly fine with this. Afterall. They got their own right?

    (is secretely wondering if this article's structuring is inspired by Robert Greene's 'The 48 Laws of Power'.)

    1. "Women don’t want to be portrayed as a piece of meat or a mediocre option to pass the time."

      I legit think a woman is exactly that. A piece of meat. And being that we out number men six to one (random number) ooohnani becomes mediocre in and of itself. It's so abundant and easy to come by how can it be precious. There HAS to be like, that rare version of it. The type of meat they'd butcher their boys for just to have juices dribbling down his chin into a chalice. A man is supposed to work from the tippy top of his head to the deepest, most powerful recesses of his mind to the callouses on the soles of his feet…just to see your hair wet after a shower. See my book on the N.Y. Bestsellers…"Think You're a Man but Act Like My B**ch!"

      Woopsht!

  12. Good post bro. I totally agree with every piece of information written, esp. the list. I never wrote down qualities in a woman that are starters and non-starters, but when I did, it made me really focus on trying to meet the type of woman that I was looking for. Also, understanding what values you are looking for in a spouse is really important as well so you know the two of you are on the same page and not wasting each others time…

  13. Yay it's J Day! Good post Doc except one thing.
    "One problem, that superwoman does not exist."
    That's not true. She's right here. *points at self*
    lol Ya'll have a good Friday!

  14. Great stuff!
    IHonestly, the reason we trip so much about #1 is because, by nature, men are more visual than women. We can have star crushes and it doesn't mean a thing because we aren't really SEARCHING for men that look like that. But, if we see you have a reaction to a woman you saw, we will assume that she is your "visual standard" and immediately get all flustered because we don't look like that woman that makes you smile in that way that WE want you to smile at us.

  15. Love this and it's all so true. I dealt with the last point with my ex. It took a lot of pushing and effort to get him to tell me what went wrong, and though some of it was completely out of my control (he was still dealing with unresolved feelings for his ex) a few of the things he said could have easily been fixed in the beginning of our relationship (a reference to your 60 day suggestion). I think sometimes, that reaction that men fear in women at that point occur simply because men go for so long without saying anything. I don't have a problem with fixing an issue, I just need to know that there's an issue to be fixed, preferably before it's been bothering you so long that you just can't take it anymore.

  16. <.b> I can predict right now that most men won’t admit to doing any of the things above.

    and you guessed correctly. i'm not going to admit to doing anything that you listed. and i believe in my heart that its true. not saying that i don't do other things that leads to a woman's insecurity (and no i'm not telling y'all what) but it's not listed in this post.
    My recent post Take Me Back to 1953

    1. We sat here one time and watched you list all these Nigerian models you thought were hot. I'm just saying bro… And i'm pretty sure that if you go back and ask each and every woman in your past if she has a real and honest idea why you guys didn't work out, you will find blanks. You weren't born being the perfect man.

        1. You was listing them because cats was listing all light skin and latina models and you said you don't find that attractive and you named those models in response.

  17. Good post. Nothing much to add here.

    I do find it interesting on how a few comments are saying they are surprised J wrote this post or was expecting something that was negative in their eyes, lol. From most of what I read of J's he has been more or less consistent on where he stands on various topics.

    1. Doc J is very consistent……although I could've swore he said he was doing no more relationship centered posts of any kind, or maybe I'm thinking of somebody else.
      But either way, I loooooove Doc J's post………*smile*

      1. I did say I wasn't going to do anymore relationships posts unless I felt strongly about a topic. That was in September… and now 9 months later… people still think I do relationship posts every week. It's almost hilarious. But yeah. If I have something to say, i'll say it. If not, I won't. Andre 3000 mentality.

        1. cool….
          U know I was just messin wit u Doc J. I like all your post…….keep doin what you doin…..*smile*

  18. I had a great comment. It's been stuck in moderation since I typed it early this morning. But I agree and have been through everything but the last item. In my experience, when things end, it's not out of nowhere. Both parties know something is off and, through some self-reflection, it can be figured out and you can still learn, without his input. I don't require (OR WANT) an exit interview at the end of a relationship.

    1. You're right about that. I've been on that end of the whole closure thing too. I've had to learn that, while closure is a good thing, it is not a requirement for moving on. When you think closure is a requirement, it's really you just wanting to continue to hold on to that person, regardless of that person being good or bad for you. And it usually doesn't come out of no where. It does happen, but most of the time, it's not for a reason that you had no clue about.
      My recent post A Lover AND a Fighter: Round 1

  19. I think Dr. J is deliberately trying to be my favorite blogger. This is a great post! Not because it seems to point the finger at men, or because I can definitely relate. But I like the honesty. I've always wondered if a man (any man) would ever simply just UNDERSTAND. The fact that there is at least 1 out there that gets what is going on (even a little bit) in my mental gives me hope that I can just relax and be a woman.

  20. Great post. All of this is too true. The last one resonates with me because I had a good friend of mine who did that to two women (that I know of) and they both ended up coming to me in an attempt to get some kind of closure and understanding of the situation. Many times, we men don't realize just how much confusion we're causing on the other end, even if it isn't a huge deal to us on our end. It helps to empathize and consider how we'd feel if it were us.

    I do wanna say something about your initial paragraph though… If this were single black female dot com, and they wrote an article addressing men, I dare to say that -with exceptions, of course- most men would go ahead and assume that since it is indeed called "single black FEMALE", the vast majority of other articles would be related to advice for, or topics about, women. Men wouldn't complain to a female centered site that there aren't enough articles giving women advice. They'd get dismissed fairly quickly.

    What am I saying? My point is –and I say this to men and women alike– it takes some maturity to hear some advice for, or criticism about, your gender and not automatically fire back with "well, what about (wo)men?", "(wo)men do that too" or "well, we do this because (wo)men force us to." We gotta man up (or woman up) at some point.
    My recent post A Lover AND a Fighter: Round 1

  21. Babes you’re right! Dr. J has definitely wrangled me in! His (blog) voice is awesome, authentic, real. A wonderful example for those out in the blogosphere. Dr. J, keep up the great work!

  22. I agree with everything that was said. I think most men don't know what they want exactly, and seek to determine what they want through trial and error instead of figuring out what they want and looking for a woman that fits the bill.

    It's good to know that men "get it" even though most of them won't admit to doing half these things like Dr. J said.

    I've never had a problem with #1. I always assume that even if he loves Scarlett Johannsen, he's still all up in my grill, so visually I don't feel inadequate. I can relate to all the other points of confusion though.
    My recent post When Aliens Attack

  23. This was a good post Dr J!!
    It's refreshing that some men will admit to doing things that will intentionally confuse a woman. A lot of times, some guys act like they don't know what they are doing and we all know that's not true.

    1. Yeah Jemsstar, and not only can they purposely confuse the hell out of u but also make u think your crazy and your trippin and something is wrong with u, cause u didn't see what u just saw, or hear what u just heard, or experience what u just experienced. Nope, it was all a figment of your imagination.

  24. I for one def believe in a carfax. I wouldnt say that Im a slave to it, but if you can find out information about who you deal with that may help you in the decision to take them seriously, than why not? I dont want to be in a situation where I deal with someone for an extended period of time and find out some fcuk ish later on… nope not happening.

    I always do my research, for recreation or business!
    My recent post #BeTheBetter Fitness Log: Entry 2

  25. Muah! *kisses Jay on the cheek* Hey! Don’t wipe that off! You know I love/hate you.

    Good post. You forgot one of the main ways men make women feel insecure. By giving misleading advice. No? Yall always have the womans best interests at heart when you tell her the “hard truths?”

    Nuh, uh. Check it.

    Here you have sadchick who is confused about actions of dude. She asks, why is he doing, or not doing x action? This behavior makes me unhappy.

    What is the UNIVERSAL thing a man will tell her. He’s not that into you, he’s playing you, leave him alone. Right? Ok. Roll with me.

    If you think about that advice and the fact that it is ALWAYS given by a man, you have to admit that many times its incorrect. Many times the guy is into her, but he’s behaving as if he isn’t. Various reasons. Confusion, fear, etc. But the man giving the advice would never say maybe he’s confused or afraid. The party line is, he knows exactly what he is doing, he is very calculated and cynical and emotionless.

    Now, mind you, if the woman starts to believe what men say, she will think men never have feelings and are always scheming to get an advantage. But if she says that, the same men will cry foul, call her bitter and declare that they do have feelings, they do get scared and hurt, they do regret the one that got away. But thats only if they feel like as men, they are being labeled villains.

    But if a woman admits a problem with a man, its back to the party line. He has no feelings, he’s using you. So, as far as men are concerned, we are either delusional jumppoffs, or bitter bitches.

    Not your intent? Maybe, maybe not. But here’s where I see incentive. Many men are averse to admitting vulnerability to the charms of women. So it helps mankind to tell women that men don’t love them. Until it makes men look too bad.

    Think about it. When was the last time you heard a man tell a woman that another man is really into her? This is why I quit listening to mens relationship advice. It usually serves men, as much or more than it helps me.

    1. LOL! What an interesting comment. You know? I think that's kinda true. I've never heard a guy own up to another man's feelings let alone their own. It's probably like a bro code to not give it away but to be perfectly honest, showing a woman you care about her and appreciate her is probably one of the best things you could ever do for her and for yourself. Just be honest. Wrap us up in security we wanna hear those things. Good truths. Positive honesty. I'm not saying I wanna hear my dude sobbing about how much he loves me I would likely not believe a man who talks to me that way but I would appreciate other males being sincere and honest about what men are going through when they fall in love. SO that I could believe my man's ACTIONS. Know why.

    2. If showing vulnerability & feelings were effective… Men would do it more… You may understand men… But you conveniently overlook the part where men must be tight with there feelings to get the box & better…

      1. What does get the box mean?

        Men don't reveal their feelings so that they can have chex. What?! So, is it like unattached chex then? You don't tell a woman how you feel so that you can do what you do and feelings are an ineffective way to get it done. So…it's easier to get oonani when you hurt a female? Wow. Isn't that sort of questionable it seems rather callous and forceful why don't you just fall in love with me and listen to how I tell you to get it. I wanna know how come a man can impose himself and expect his needs to be fufilled, hurting a female to make sure it gets done….but then she can't impose herself on him and receive his love. It's like a wall of "na. chill." I think men should be honest so women can understand that wall.

        1. Hm. I guess that makes sense. When my best friend "hurts me" it feels more like discilipine and calming. Akin to how you would correct a horse to get it to behave. Or how a wild one calms down when it has a saddle put on it. It doesn't hurt it just feels corrected. I don't really think him gushing about his feelings would make me stop when I'm clearly freaking out. It'd be comforting though. My insecurity is….what are you gonna do with me and for me when I calm down and can I depend on you to be the man of my life. Thoughts and opinions and honesty and understanding are comforting.

      2. Adonis men don't have to be tight with their feelings to "get the box." Men are tight with their feelings namely due to how they are raised and bred to be by society.

      3. …what? How so? If there was a man being forthright and honest with me about his feelings I would hardly be able to contain the box. I'd send the box via FedEx 2-Day if I didn't have to spend so much time questioning a man's intentions and motives because he's being "tight with [his] feelings." I'm exaggerating, but any woman who is worth her salt can appreciate a man's vulnerability because we know how difficult it is to be vulnerable. We're not asking you to cry for us or anything, but why hide how you feel? The only situation in which I see this working is if she wants more than you can/want to offer, so you're tight with THOSE feelings because she won't do the horizontal mambo with you otherwise.

    3. Hello All

      Men tend to be allergic to vulnerability, but I also know many men do not feel like having that long conversation. He can also sleep at night because he knows you care (if you didn't, you wouldn't be trying to have the conversation), which means you probably won't take his advice anyway.

  26. Doc I got bee wit you on this resolution:
    Solution: Men have to start having tough conversations with woman about, “what went wrong.” Do I think it will potentially lead to her trying to convince you why you’re wrong? Of course it will, nobody wants to think that they are a bad person or that they don’t have the power to change. However, when we don’t give them the liberty of an explanation, they’ll walk around confused as to what went wrong and how to fix it.

    Ive tried this and it turns into a never ending conversation. YES its for the greater good, and she will totally understand what went wrong. However, some women can't take criticism and the simple explanation can turn into a nightmare. The only real solution is to fade to blk. It sucks because she'll never really know the truth but sometimes I just don't need the headache.

    1. Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat Post Doc J. Like your best one yet. Thank you, thank, thank you, thank you.__This "Therefore, we want a top notch woman, but don’t want to put in top notch work? Confusion!" TRUTH!__And your comment – That ideal woman… requires hard work..TRUTH! I think men know this – but it doesn't change the fact that they just don't want to work for it, and many don't care. Yall are not as dumb as yall lead women to think…..*side-eyein all yall*__The fact of the matter is you could possibly pull a Rosa Acosta type chick – God knows latina's loooooove them some brotha's, but there is no guarantee u would truly be happy with her and even fall madly and deeply in love with her, outside of physically. Not sure how many of yall recall, but there was a superbowl commercial years ago like in early 2000. Cedric the Entertainer was in it. In the commercial in his fantasy he is on the beach with his bud light or whatever beer was being advertised, his wings, with his t.v. and in his fav comfy chair laid back chillin and 3 or 4 of his very beautiful and sexy fantasy women.

      1. All was great with the world until the women started talking and wouldn't shut up and whatever they were saying sounded like noise and was drowning out the game he was tryin to watch. They were demanding his attention and this and that just making demands. Then his fantasy turned into a nightmare. I think many men envision the perfect life as being the beginning of that fantasy, but the reality is women are Not Dolls. We have wants, needs, desires, and make demands and requests, that require too much for the avg man. We also think and have opinions, thoughts, and idea's, that may differ with yours. This is where the drama typically begins.

        1. "We have wants, needs, desires, and make demands and requests, that require too much for the avg man. We also think and have opinions, thoughts, and idea's, that may differ with yours. This is where the drama typically begins."

          This.

          A man could take all of that and build a relationship of security and trust and true love if he genuinely took all of what creates his woman and intentionally sought to benefit her life. All of this is exactly how a man has the opportunity to be exactly that but like I said though, they live for themselves. If women came at men this way they would intentionally disrespect her. Like. Cut it out. Know your place….subjected to ME not taking the time to care about you but taking all I want from you. Love would be so beautiful if both people whole heartedly listened to on another, dare I say obey their partners human condition.

        2. Exactly Alakaii…….. "If women came at men this way they would intentionally disrespect her."
          Men are quick to remind women who try to be like them and do what they do that they Cannot do it.

        3. "stop talking to your boys about the women you date." Great Advice.
          If men stopped doing this they would have much less disappointments.
          Honestly what I've realized in my 30 something yrs on this earth is that the males who do all or any of these things are "boys", not "Men" there is a distinct difference.
          I think the best short and simple advice to give to men is to Be Honest! Be honest with yourselves, who you date, and the women u marry. Be honest about Everything at all times. In being so completely honest you will be more likely to do the right things for the right reasons and have less stress, and less drama.
          In a word what women want more than anything from men is 100% Honesty all the time.

  27. First, I gotta shout out my Lil PreK graduate in my avi! Those kids were too cute today!!!! #ProudMomma

    Second, I def had to do a double-scroll on who wrote the post. And not because I always disagree with Dr. J…but because he usually doesn't come out swinging at the fellas (in the comments here and there…but not in posts). Loved THIS! The world would be a much better place if accountability was the standard across the board.

    I agree with everything…but I think that last solution ("what went wrong" talk) can be a doozy if you don't craft your words/guide the conversation carefully.

    1. Scholarship! Let little homie we're all cheering for him! Gotta keep that education up!

      But yeah… I give it to the guys harder than the girls to be honest. Will be going back and forth each time from here on out.

  28. *dwells on Adonis' comment*

    OH! I totally get it now.

    Maybe guys are looking for the ideal woman, the superwoman and then they pick and choose females to date to see how she measures up against the ideal woman and J is saying these things make women feel insecure about him desiring her to be that ideal superwoman, or make her feel insecure that he wants her to be. Hm. Maybe guys just like chexing and do all this lazy, simple crap cuz they know majority of females aren't it. I highly doubt any guy would legit be superman to superwoman. Therefore….be honest. Why not? And why play around with lesser women than what you ACTUALLY seek?

    1. Doesn't that suggest guys are slaved out more to their sex drive than they are to their deeper, core needs??? And wouldn't it make sense for a woman to just know what you need. And if she did, why wouldn't you be her man slave and show appreciation? How come men don't appreciate a woman's efforts or are forthcoming about his thoughts and feelings about her. Wouldn't it be a more loving experience to tend to your woman's needs as a human being vs. deliberately hurting her? I wonder if males know the sense of pride and ego that comes with caring for and tending to a good, submissive woman. Like I would think your chests would be on swole mode keepin her happy. Do men not like women having power over them in fear of being vulnerable? Do men trust women with their true selves?

      1. I kinda answered my own question though. I did kinda say it works better to just correct me even if it hurts a little cuz that way I can tend to his needs better, and he doesn't ever talk to me. Ever. He just….does stuff. He doesn't mind serving me he minds me preying on his vulnerabilities when he's trying to please me or express a need. And I can tell he's prepping me for something. And he'll SHOW me what he's prepping me for. But then it's like…um. Hm. Maybe it's harder to be a man than it is to be a woman so they keep everything bottled up and depend on us to care.

        I'm gonna stop rambling though I clearly am not going to shut up anytime soon I'm a slave to puzzles in my mind.

  29. I think Eva & Tony are not really a good example of the things u speak of in ur post Doc J.
    I think Tony Parker is one of those "emotionally unavailable" dudes who thought he would be happy with Eva because she is foine and got the sexy latina thing goin for her but he just wasn't ready to really settle down and be married. Reality is marriage is a huge azz responsibility. Quite a few men aren't ready for it and just don't want it. They do it because everyone tells them they should and "its the right thing to do" but they don't really want to do it.

  30. They like their single life like it is and are happy and content with it. But when folks tell them something is wrong with them being single and they need to go ahead and settle down with a good woman. It's kinda like some men are like boys who like having lots of toys to play with and they like to play with a variety of toys. But the parents tell them pick 1 damn toy and play with that for the rest of your life. Stop being greedy and childish thinking u need all these toys. You don't need all these toys. Pick one and be content with that one. They do it because they are told it's right, but it's not what they really want.

  31. I think many athletes are like this. They enjoy All the perks of being an athlete. This is one of the incentives for men to want to become famous athletes – having the desire and attention of lots of pretty girls. Just like men like having nice cars and lots of money. They are trying to attract beautiful sexy women – plural, not just 1 woman.
    I think many times foolishly athletes are encouraged by their white managers and the owners and coaches and the bigwigs in these franchises to settle down and get married and not run around with various hoochies.
    Reasons being – it looks bad, it's morally wrong, they are open to catching more serious STD's like Magic, it requires more of their time, attention, and energy and they should be using that for practice and the big games.

  32. Plus I believe, from seeing and hearing this, that white men see marriage as more beneficial to them than black men, and in some ways it is. So these guys encourage them to do the same. Unfortunately u have grown men who haven't got all their "play" out of them yet, and are in some ways mentally still boys and Not Ready to be husbands and fathers and some just do not want the responsibility of being a husband and a father.

  33. Basketball, football, Baseball, or whatever sport they are in professionally and everything that goes with it are already more than enough responsibility. These things take a lot of a mans energy, time and attention. Most women require a lot of time, energy and attention. It can be too much for some men, especially ones in pro sports. This is why I don't think these men should get married at all until and unless they express a sincere desire to do so, without any outside influences.
    I think as with many ball players this was the case with Tony Parker. In an interview I read, Eva herself said this is what Tony explained to her was his reasoning for his actions and what led to the demise of their marriage. He loves and cares about her, but was not ready to be her husband in the way she wanted and needed him to be.

  34. Five Ways Men Contribute To Female Insecurity? 1. Cheating 2. Cheating again 3. Getting caught with no remorse 4. Cheating again 5. Blaming his (natural) infidelities on his ole lady

  35. I agree with the title in that we do cause female insecurities. We try to find the perfect woman based off the mass media's perspective on beauty. I don't believe the other bullet points in this post directly affect women's self esteem, rather they cause conflict between men and women. I think the main cause for insecurity is that we are drawn to flesh which causes us to cheat, which makes women feel like they aren't doing something right. I think it's simpler than 5 reasons, but I'm no expert just my opinion, enjoyed your perspective.
    My recent post WHY ARE MEN SO INTO SPORTS?

  36. Dr. J,

    The fact that many of these chicks scour when they read your posts or dislike the content, tell me that you are TRULY, telling it how it is from a Man's perspective. Afterall, this was and is a blog for black men right??? No need to pander to the women folks. Keep telling it how it is. I often find you speaking on my behalf and many of the fella's the read the blog.

  37. I admire Dr. J's honesty. Sometimes he may go off to one side, and say things almost for what I assume is for the "shock factor" but he doesn't sugar coat the poo poo. Cause whether it has a coat of sugar or not, it's still dukey.

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