Home Featured Fail Blog: When Sexting Goes Wrong

Fail Blog: When Sexting Goes Wrong

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You're doing it wrong.

Text messages aint nuttin but the devil! There, I said it! As many of you know, especially those of you who know me personally, I aint got no game. I haven’t had game since like 2003. I don’t know what went wrong. One day I had game, then I tore my game-spitting-ACL or something and I haven’t been the same since.

Text messages exasperate my lack of game. Text messages are the dunk contest to my sprang ankle. We already know men prefer texting to talking on the phone. This is likely because it’s a lot easier than talking on the phone – and men like easy women stuff. Given enough time with text messages, you can come across as a Shakespearean savant; whereas, in real life, you might struggle to string together a grammatically correct sentence. This brings me to the latest development in the text messaging game – sexting.

I HATE SEXTING!

This surprises a lot of people considering I write for a living but it’s true. I think sexting is the dumbest thing since talking on the phone. I don’t see the point of either. Both are pretty much a waste of time if you ask me. Today though, I’m here to address sexting. Besides, Slim Jackson already addressed why men don’t like talking on the phone.

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Sexting is awkward. Mad awkward! I’d rather perform the actions themselves than tease myself with the idea of the actions. What’s the point? Where’s the rule book? It’s also debatable whether women have an unfair advantage given the sheer number of desirable angles and appendages they can take pictures of compared to men. The details of which I’ll leave to your own imaginations. Then there’s that awkwardly invisible thin-line between sexting foreplay and sexting your way to complete alienation from the box.

I remember I had this friend once…let’s call him MisdomIsWisery. MisdomIsWisery had this girl that was beyond down. Frankly, she had already assured him it was going down a few days before, so they were merely engaging in the formality of sext-play beforehand. Sadly, due to a number of unfortunate scheduling conflicts, they were unable to meet up to commence in the getting down of the going down before tragedy struck.

You see friends, at some point earlier in the week the girl made a joke to MisdomIsWisery regarding an activity she was willing to perform. Later that same week, the two were sexting one another freaky naughty messages when MisdomIsMisery re-hashed the joke to detrimental results. Actually, the girl got outright offended! Like REAL offended, like “don’t talk to me anymore” offended. Needless-to-say, MisdomIsWisery was shocked and appalled by this bizarre turn of events. In fact, many moons later he still wonders “what if” about the thick-thighed girl from his past that never was.

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*insert frowny faced emoticon here*

Done wrong, sexting can have detrimental effects. Have you ever gone back and forth with someone in increasingly detailed descriptions with what you’re going to do to one another when all of sudden you send that one extra-descriptive accidentally over-the-top text involving the rubber ducky, feathers, and beads because you over-estimated your partner’s freakiness level, and all of sudden all two-way communication from the other end cease and desist? Most. Awkward. Moment. Ever.

You don’t know if the other person is thinking of something clever to say in response, that you’re a pervert unworthy of real-life sexual gratification, or they died. And arguably, there are only two of these you might be able to recover from. In the mean time, you’re left staring at the ‘R’ on your BBM or ‘Delivered’ on your iPhone 4S wondering if you should text a follow-up message, cry, or kill yourself before you end up as an Instagram chat-screen capture on Twitter. That’s rough. Anyway…

What are your thoughts and preferences on sexting?  How do you navigate the world between turn ons and turn offs? What are your thoughts on sending pics as part of the process? Do you like unsolicited dirty pics (tragically, a phenomenon I hear far too many men are guilty of by the way)? Is there anything someone of the opposite sex should definitely NOT do? Any horror stories you’d like to share? Help us, help everyone.

Comment(158)

  1. Sexting is a no no, just don't do it! How do you gauge a person's level for how far you can take it before you cross their threshold of what is acceptable & what becomes perverted? If you don't keep progressing the level of the sexting then you're simply casually flirting & it won't go anywhere, but if you go to far then you might as well be texting yourself.

    Now with Instagram & simple screenshots, you have to worry about everything you text becoming eternal. Easy way to avoid this, just text him/her & ask if they trying to chill… everybody knows what that means.

    1. No they don’t. I HATE if when a guy says “you tryna (insert euphemism for sex)” before I have indicated that i want sex with him. I might want sex, but that “you tryna” business is the epitome of lazy. Even the wording is lazy. Can’t say “I would like to” or “do you want to”. No risk no balls. I assume the “you tryna” guys suck in the bed cause they’re lazy.

      1. You know what it means though, like it or not; you gonna make it known now whether you want sex with him or not. Sure it's lazy, but it's direct & it only leaves the answers as either yes or no.

    1. Hmmm…not even your LTR/LDR/Hubby?
      Imma have to beg to differ.
      Then again, this is one of those instances where only dealing with an actual adult applies.

  2. What are your thoughts and preferences on sexting?
    Personally i cant do it, i have sext adhd i get too dstracted or i just get caught up in my own thoughts, finish, and no longer want anything to do with this conversation, then you get embarrassed and feel awkward and its just a bad time fo either of us .

    How do you navigate the world between turn ons and turn offs?
    I wouldn’t know honestly

    What are your thoughts on sending pics as part of the process?
    “Don’t talk about it, be about it, lemme see…lemme see” -Ursher Raymond. Pictures help grab my attention.

    Do you like unsolicited dirty pics (tragically, a phenomenon I hear far too many men are guilty of by the way)?
    I’ve never sent out unsolicited pics, hell i barely like sending out solicited ones. I still might run for office one day so anything you get from me is neck down, no tats or marks showing #10sextcommandments. As for ladies, sending one out randomly is like sending out the Batman symbol and no one being on the roof when Batman comes gliding in. If you send something unsolicited you better be trying to see me as well. Teasing me for no damn reason at all, thats how you get karate chopped lol.

    Is there anything someone of the opposite sex should definitely NOT do? Any horror stories you’d like to share? Help us, help everyone.
    I’ve gotten a couple of ones from wrong numbers, idk how the hell you do that in th smartphone era but ladies shouldnt do that especially this one chick had NO business posing from the side she had no a$$ straight built like a capital B. I’ve had one who could’ve trimmed first or just not sent a close up vaj shot. Also if you have an iphone i aint sending anything that can be screenshot so dont even ask or try to bait me in

  3. i don't mind sexting. actually it can be pretty fun if you do it with someone who has a vivid imagination and a way with words. as far as pictures i don't mind that either. i've sent some pretty nice pictures and received the same. i just wouldn't do that with anyone though. you can't trust everyone out here. that's how your pics end up on the internet. which is exactly why you don't show your face in any pics.

    horror stories? naw. i mean i almost sent a couple of pics to the wrong person. now that would have been tragic.
    My recent post Take Me Back to 1953

    1. One time I sent a very vividly worded text to the wrong person. I didn't realize I'd done so until I got back an, "Oh word?" response. I IMMEDIATELY texted back, then CALLED back for good measure, letting them know it was a mistake.

      Funny thing is, I wouldn't have minded the other person, but that was before I knew him. Been there, done that, HATED IT. LOL.

  4. Kinesthetics is my area of expertise. I don't like doing anything for "play-play"/pretend until… "I got a day off and you go on your lunchbreak and we can meet at my house"…. nope! I just can't do it. I also don't handle disappointments very well (IE: your "mic" looked better in my phone or you sext me falsified information… "oh yeah bae, I'm gon give it to you all night"… smh)

    If we are talking about future prospects or someone I've only been seeing/talking to for a short amount time, I usually get bored really quick with any type of sex talk, sexting, or "pump-me-up sessions". For some reason, once they start, it never ends. If I'm talking to my S/O or someone that I have been with for a good amount of time (whom i trust), then my sexting would go a little something like this:

    Me: Hey, what you doin?

    Him: Nothing, chillin' at the crib

    Me: Come fuck me!

    *hear knock at the door* … And there you have it, a successful sext message. LMAO!!

  5. Okay this is the problem with and history of sexting. Sexting is the cousin of chat room orgies. The problem with sex and cyberspace space is the margin of error. What if you are texting 2 or more people at the time and whoops send the wrong message or worse yet picture to the wrong person…it happens!!! Now you’ve given an unexpected person a myocardial infarction? The other thing is how do u kno you’re really engaging the other person’s attention and they aren’t walking through the parking lot of the mall laughin at your pathetic butt? Faking is made easy thru sextin bc now I don’t even have to see u to pretend. Sexting is like the Promise land for Pervs

    1. I accidentally sent something meant for my husband to my homegirl. Luckily it wasn't too over the top and there was no picture but she was like I need you to be more careful. lol

  6. What are your thoughts and preferences on sexting?
    I hate it, for the most part, and find it to be pointless – but sometimes, I'll indulge. It's usually awkward for me and if I choose to participate, I'm telling a shi*tload of lies. It can be okay with the right person, but only if we're about to follow-up on all that…
    How do you navigate the world between turn ons and turn offs?
    I won't hesitate to let a dude know what I won't do. If you act like you're okay with something that completely turned you off, you better believe he's going to try it when/if it ever gets to that point. On the other hand, it doesn't seem like anything I've ever sexted has been a turn-off for the guy. I usually just try to match their level of freak.

  7. What are your thoughts on sending pics as part of the process?
    It definitely depends on the person. I might be able to manage a pic or two if I actually know the guy and I'm interested, but when they start requesting Skype/Facetime shows, I'm out.
    Do you like unsolicited dirty pics?
    F*ck. NO. It's never okay. Sadly, I've received far too many. There's never any real warning either. It'll be like:
    Guy: What u doin?
    Me: I'm at work.
    Guy: *insert dick pic*
    That's what "dating" is like these days… [in my age group, anyway] =(
    Any horror stories you’d like to share?
    I have a few, but I'ma wait to read more of these comments before I put ALL my business out here, lol.

  8. That text convo screen shot…comedy!! lol.

    But I more or less agree with the post. Not real big into sexting. If someone I was seriously dating/talking to wanted to engage in it then sure, but let's just say I wouldn't be the one initiating it.

    As far as pictures I dont send any that are unsolicited and honestly I never get many requests for anything over the top really. If I did I'd probably decline. I've received pics and never thought about sharing them are posting them anywhere on the interwebs. Honestly I guess I just dont have a high expectation level of a woman sending me random naked photos. Not saying it's never happened, just saying I'm surprised and very thankful in most cases when it does happen.

  9. This is not my style. Frankly, this text date environment has been an adjustment for me post-divorce. I don't get why we should get thumb cramps and carpal tunnel when we can just talk to each other.

  10. I’ve gotten roped into the sexting thing and realized that if the guy is really into sexting and pictures, hes a porn addict and prefers fantasy to reality. I know that’s a broad generalization, but if he isnt trying to get to the main course, quickly, he’s a thinker, not a doer. The other guys can usually do without it, so there’s no reason to do it at all.

    Pics? Ooh, dangerous territory. I’ve sent a couple after the guy bugged me to death. But I prefer not. And ive gotten a couple of unsolicited pics of the tool. That gets you instantly deleted. Next time you text me it will be “sorry, who are you?”

  11. "Done wrong, sexting can have detrimental effects. Have you ever gone back and forth with someone in increasingly detailed descriptions with what you’re going to do to one another when all of sudden you send that one extra-descriptive accidentally over-the-top text involving the rubber ducky, feathers, and beads because you over-estimated your partner’s freakiness level, and all of sudden all two-way communication from the other end cease and desist? Most. Awkward. Moment. Ever."__Yes. Change rubber ducky and feathers to a d*ldo attached to a power drill. He didn't talk to me for 2 days after that text. Lesson learned: I can't show certain sides of my personality until we're past the "I love you" stage. __I love sexting. The problem with it is you can't do it with someone new/you barely know. It's nice with your boyfriend/hubby though. Nothing picks up my day better than a quick mid day sext. I've never sent a naked pic to anyone who wasn't my boyfriend. ever. I don't like d*ck pics unless the wang is beautiful, which is rare…and even then I'll pretend to be mad like he disrespected me (while I show my girls)…never a good look too soon.

      1. *contemplates*

        My best friend did that. I sent him a picture of me trying on form fitting clothes for the first time and it was the level of how you would be in a store trying on clothes and trying to get a reaction. My body is kind of curvy though. And he was all up in arms about me setting rules and stuff for our relationship if we were to make that step yet…he abides by all of them and cleans himself up in terms of education, the car he drives, the places he hangs out, his habits, the way he handles finances, etc. etc. But he showed EVERYONE the pictures. And I don't sext per se but I openly theorize. Like I clearly just think out loud like, I was relly anemic so I tried to baked my iron pills into cupcakes. I didn't have salt though. So. I theorzied on the composition of salt substitues and the health benefits of…organic…anyway. He shows me off. Like. I'm pretty sure he and his friends have a shrine in the mancave dedicated to me. I haven't decided if I should be flattered or offended yet. The honesty makes me comfortable though.

        1. You know. I kinda agree with you smartgirl. I kinda like the sexy communication thing. lol. I'm definitely giggling. Smh. The first time I saw a video of a male stripper I almost died. It was so embarrassing I buried my face in my shirt I flinched I was completely just obviously some kinda way about it it's kinda funny but then slightly teasing my friend to the point he loses his composure…..over the past two years. Has been kinda fun for me. I think I like the sexy thing. Even though he'll swear up and down I've offended HIS chastisty. Like cmon…my two Miguel quickies to your 8500 females? You love my sexy dance even if it is a tease. #seduction

        2. I mean. I don't really appreciate the candid -1's. I'd rather just be forward and be like hey I'm kinda young and nervous and inexperienced and all of you guys are in your thirties, could you stop faking and be honest and give me some guidance. I mean. MAYBE some people would prefer honesty to ambiguous up or down thumbs.

        3. I'm not in my 30s – but I think the negatives might be because your comments are off-topic and all over the place. Just my thoughts, though…

        4. How are they off topic?????

          The post is about sexting.

          I don't sext. I contemplate sexuality with my best friend.

          I provided examples of sexuality.

          It's clearly a fully developed statement about sexuality as it pertains to me seeing as how I don't necessarily sext but I do a slightly different version of it so I explained the version of it and the relationship I have with this person in the context of me doing so. Maybe I'm mad because there's no higher thought process and I expected people to be able to pick up on how it's relevant to describe the relationship AND the actions I partook so that I could get the proper advice and foward the coversation.

        5. If you are discusing sex, you are sexing, whether it is a form of contemplation or not. Do you "contemplate" sexual situations with your mother?
          You want the guy to pay attention to you as a sexual being, and that's perfectly fine. What yo uneed to understand is "sexing" is done best with TWO interested parties. When one is doing all the sex talk, and the other is not reciprocating, you have a situation known as "thirst". It is best, if you like this sort of talk, to do it with someone whom you both TRUST (like your friend) and who is RECEPTIVE (UN-like your friend, from what you have described). I hope this helps.

        6. lol @ how confused I am.

          I don't understand Amaris. Isn't respect for me coming from the fact that he's never pressured me into doing anything sexual. Ever. And he listens to me. And he does all that stuff I advice him on about life. So then when I finally try to be extroverted he tells people I'm beautiful and gorgeous? How is that disrespectful? I showed him pictures of the clothes I tried on. Like how women take their men shopping. They're not much more sexual than your avatar is, would it be disrespectful for me to show my female friends I like your shirt?

        7. THANK YOU! That's all I was trying to get what an honest opinion.

          And no I don't do that with my mother because she's very…oppressive. Very religious. So I never got the birds and the bees talk. I do it with people who are more experienced than I am hoping to have an honest conversation and so I can have a little guidance. But he WAS receptive? So. Isn't it still appropriate? It was a two way street. Hm. Well. He doesn't talk to me that way because he's clearly WAY experienced like…a lot. But he's very touchy feely infront of people and he kinda sends me tastefullt suggestive pictures too. and he likes PDA. Extreme PDA. So he doesn't talk. He acts on his feelings because he's mature enough to do so whereas *I* have to talk to him. So is that still unreceptive cuz he's not talking?

        8. And now that I think about it. He posts HIS photos on facebook too. Maybe he's just…an open person like that. We didn't do explicit things and he outed me on social media. He sent me sexy pictures that were tastefully done, I liked them. He posted them. I sent him tastefully done pictures, he liked them. Posted them.

        9. Red. Flag.__He's posting suggestive pics because he wants attention, not because "clearly way more experienced'. and he's posting your pictures because he clearly does not value you the way you value him, NOT because he "views you as beautiful/sexy". WTH?? O_o__I see nowhere do you mention he has your permission to share these pics. He probably is sharing your "journal entries" as well! Chile, save all that for your man, not some best friend who you would like to be your man. PDA or no, back & forth sexy pics or no, if he wanted something with you- you would know it by now.

        10. That's a good point. I didn't give him permission to share those pictures. And I kinda do think he shared the text as well. And. At first I flew off the handle because I felt completely betrayed and insulted. But then. I felt kinda. Free. Because I'm shy. And quiet. And timid. And. I kinda. Maybe. I thought maybe. He was just putting me on front street so I'd get over the initial discomfort and shock. And then. All these years of the back and forth…kinda. Just. You know. But. I just wanted some advice. I don't wanna be all. Like this. Smfh. Let me attempt to smooth that out. I thought maybe he was just getting me over an emotional barrier before we're actually together. But I guess without my permission it was a very questionable tactic.

        11. EXACTLY. Making private info public is not being a very good friend. He probably wants ppl to know how many women 'want' him or something. Tell you what. STOP sending suggestive material to him and see how 'friendly' he will continue to be.
          Listen, I was extremely naiive at a point in my life, and it took a few embarrasing situations for me to figure it out, but the one thing I got right is that I've never done anything I didn't want to do with a person I didn't want to do it with. I didn't let anyone pressure me into doing something and make excuses for it later. Save all that stuff for someone you trust, or at least are comfortable with, and you won't have to worry about being shy or getting over any barriers. That dude is using you. **e-hugs**

        12. That's exactly the point. This post is about sexting. And you don't sext. Yet, you have umpteen comments about random sexual things that are not sexting. We're not talking about everything under the sun related to sex today – just sexting. You can't always relate to a topic, and that's fine. Sit this one out.

          And you actually can email the writers on this site with a specific question. They're very good about answering your question in its own post for another day and we can all give you advice then.

        13. OOOOOOH. That makes total sense.

          I tried quite a few times to email them and I even tried to add one of the writers on twitter, but it says the email thing isn't properly installed. And that guys page you can't send him direct messages. But that whole sit tight and wait for the right post and we'll give you advice thing seems kinda on point. Cool! That'll work thanks.

        14. So. I'm just supposed to be like.

          I dont sext. I write a sex blog. For my best friend. +19

          That doesn't help me figure out anything. I thought this was a sex/relationship blog. For perspective. Don't I have to provide backdrop to get proper advice and perspective, seeing as how I can't email any of the writers on this website specifically. Maybe. *releases a breath* Maybe SBM should troubleshoot their website and I wouldn't have to try to fit a begininng, middle and end into the comment stream and have people assuming "I'm all over the place" because relevance extends beyond ONE form of life experience. Maybe if I was loose I'd be able to make a one liner on sexting but seeing as how I'm not, I have to explain the relationship, what was done, and what I do that's akin to sexting. -19

          Wtf.

        15. Well the other thing is, you keep insulting the women here calling them loose, hos etc. Very judgmental of you considering you don't know all of us and our se.xual histories. Fix your tone.

        16. Um. If females are having a lot of sex with a lot of different people. How exactly do I approach that without sounding like a total bi**h. I don't feel like sugarcoating so I just said. Blah. Honestly, how do I address that? I'm not judging. I'm just. Being straight forward. Like. Nevermind. That sounds offensive. So how do I speak to females who have more experience than me?

        17. Well, for starters, I would never start off a conversation asking for help from someone who was more experienced than me by saying, "Hey ho, since you do a lot of f***ing, how about you help me with this issue I got." <–see how that might not net results?

          Anyway, I don't sext. At all. Not my style. I don't want 'em and I don't send 'em. So I can't help you. You've just been entertaining me while I eat my lunch and wait for a slew of meetings to start.

        18. *jaw drop*

          I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I. was just. I didn't know. How to go about trying to not be offensive. So I just. Said the first thing that came to mind. Well, I'm glad my story of a man treating me right was amusing to you I guess maybe in a few years I'll have developed a proper way of saying my points that don't offend other women. Sorry bout that.

        19. It's strange that the first thing that comes to mind when you think of women with more experience than you is 'loose.' You can address them as "females (or women or ladies) that have more experience than me," or "more experienced ladies/females/women" or a plethora of other things that aren't derogatory. And how does sexting correlate with being loose?

          And a man showing your pictures to people in tight clothing isn't 'treating you right.' It would be one thing if you were his girl, but even then, I'd feel leery of my man posting pictures, that I meant for him, on the internet for the world to see. Yeah, he's showing you off, but not for the reasons that you think. He's posting them for internet kudos and there's probably a few of those friends who are now convinced y'all are doing the horizontal samba.

        20. I'm sorry such I'm less experience I use literal terms. Logic. And I think women who are experienced are logically looser and by definition of the word ho. I realize that's offensive. No one had anything to say when I was talking about the version of sex talk/sexting I've partaken in which is the equivalent of my experience so I gave up on trying to relate and just said something honest and completely logical to get the discussion going so that I could get the appropriate advice I need about things that are CLEARLY afformentioned in WIM's post.

          And that's what I'm trying to say! If he's doing that for kudos and he wants to do that sort of thing I don't think I mind all that much seeing as how I was unsure of how I looked in the first place. And it's been back and forth for years, I just wanted perspective. It's not like the other times there's a lot more anxiety and emotion so I tought it was relevant and appropriate to tell my story. Seeing as how WIM asked for people to share stories! *exasperated look*

        21. Literal? So if you've had sex with one person, and I've had sex with two, I'm therefore a ho and loose because I have more experience? Because that is what you're saying when you say literal and logic in this sense. And I don't think that's fair.

          And like Amaris said upthread… he's using you. If you felt ashamed and betrayed, that's not okay. You were unsure of how you looked, so you sent the pictures to HIM. If you wanted the interwebz to be involved, why didn't you just post them yourself? It doesn't matter what his intentions were, or if he wanted to help you overcome something… he used you for his own personal gain, without your permission. He used your pictures to gain magical internet cool points from his friends. And I think that's disrespectful.

        22. Well. No. You're equal to me in experience and it should be easy for us to communicate. But if you've had sex with like five guys. or Seven. Than yeah. You're probably loose. And by literal definition, a ho. So I wouldn't know the proper way to go about asking for advice from someone more experienced if they ignored me when I was trying to be polite about it besides….state the obvious logic despite it's offensive nature.

          Let me clarify that. I felt embarrassed. And exposed. I feel like that when I wear short sleeve t-shirts though. So, the thing is. I just wanted advice from experienced people because I can't decide if I feel disrespected or not. I thought it was kinda cool they liked me. I was insecure about it. I just didn't like that he had an ego about showing me that way to people it made it feel slightly out of my comfort zone.

        23. girl… It sounds like YOU don't even like you. If you did, I think you'd know how to feel. You feel exposed in a short sleeve shrit but are trying to convince yourself (and it has to be just you because it doesn't look like we're buying it around these parts) that you're okay with your "best friend" posting pictures of you in tight clothing all over the damn internet? oh, ok. The comment that if a woman has had 6 or 7 partners than she is a promiscuous and immoral woman (the dictionary definition of whore, or 'ho' which is the definition that I'm going to assume that you mean) tells me that you're incredibly naive and less experienced than I imagined. If you're looking for information and honest discussion, you can't come here insulting the very people you are asking for guidance and advice. That doesn't make sense, sweetheart.

          To expand on the hypothetical, let's say a woman is 25. She has been dating since she was 18. Each partner she was with for one year. if she has sex with each of these relatively serious partners, she's a ho? That's a fair assumption?

        24. What more than one person has tried to tell you but you refuse to read/comprehend or maybe you are being purposely obtuse is this: YOUR POSTS DID NOT MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE BUT YOU. It's only in these last few comments that it has become clear what you were trying to get at in the first 45 rambling disjointed nonsensical posts where you also called people you don't know hoes and loose etc. It shouldn't take all that to communicate a thought and ask a question.

          Luckily someone pieced together the puzzle and has been able to give you some advice. I hope you heed it.

        25. My point: if you're a ho you won't comprehend what I'm saying. But since you're a ho, give me some advice and stop pretending like you aren't one. I tried to be polite about it. No dice. There was no dice because I'm not loose and it's hard for other people to understand what I'm saying. So either you guys want me to stutter through a lie or you want a description, which I gave, before asking questions no one answered until I said something logical. If you don't like the truth answer my question when I ask it politely and don't sit there and try to make me look dumb because YOU can't comprehend what I'm saying as someone with a different lifestyle. Mutual exchange of advice.

        26. You can't advise me cause you are cray. I'm also grown so I won't go in on you for calling me a ho when you don't know me from Adam's house cat and whether I've had fitty men or just the one I married. Maybe YOU are the ho among us and you're trying to cloak it with your whole "I'm stringing together words that make no sense because I'm so innocent and only non-hoes would understand" foolishness, which is admittedly amusing to me. I write for a living so my advice to you is to learn how to communicate effectively and efficiently and that would help you both in and out of the bedroom, along with using common sense.

          My recent post Alone With You — Tevin Campbell

      2. For a person I have no intention on dating, yeah. Sharing is caring. No one likes a selfish friend. 🙂

  12. LMBO! I saw that text screen shot on Epic Fail…

    Admittedly, I love, LOVE flirty banter…nothing overt…so I can't even call it sexting. Can't go with overt because I don't want ANYTHING haunting me later in life. Pics should never be sent prior to being official…and there should be an even exchange to limit/prevent TMZ level embarrassment in the future. (*pats pocket on shirt* #Cleo #SetItOff) I've retired from the pic thing though…too dangerous, lol. Not to mention, a certain male uploaded a "pic" of his own to his FB profile pic by mistake…had to quickly remove it, LMBO! Luckily, no one saw it…or at least they didn't comment about it. Stuff like that lingering on your phone/PC is NOT the business. Not worth the explanation, lol. Never received anything unsolicited…thats just gross. #WhoDoesThat

    1. And that first picture?! Shameful.

      Let's also call out bathroom pics. I get it if you just stepped out the shower, but at least put the toilet seat down. At least make sure the bathroom is tidy. At least make sure you're room doesn't look like a bomb went off in there.

      Those Epic Fail pictures show women making complete fools of themselves…lol…smh.

  13. I don't talk, I do. I find casual sexting annoying, and it usually turns me off. It is unfortunate that WAY too often, you will never be able to measure up to the picture you have created for me in my head, so I usually will suggest that you don't.
    Now if we are in a relationship? Which means I already know what you're gonna do/have done/are capable of and I'm completely comfortable & trusting w' yo' @$$? All bets are off.

  14. Like someone else pointed out, I might engage in this with a s/o that I’ve been with for quite some time. It can be a useful tool in keeping things interesting, and is especially useful if your man is out of town from time to time.

    BUT, the whole sexting with someone you recently started dating and haven’t even had sex with is the ultimate way to create awkwardness and disappointment. And mizzcam, I feel you! The unsolicited dick pics is a no no, that men never seem to get. It will have your contact info changed from your name to “don’t pick up” in my phone in no time.

    1. I don't understand how females who are single moms and have had multiple partners and who are bonafied loose with themselves can suddenly try to be self righteous and feign morals and values. Like. If you've had sex your whole life you can't suddenly pretend you're too good be sexual…everyone already knows you're a goer why are you pretending to be shy? This phenomena genuinely confuses me because females will fake like oh I'm too good to do this for a dude but they've been doing things with dudes since a fairly young age….and then I come along with almost no experience in terms of sex and sexuality and then it makes me feel like I'm being judged because I've found someone I wanna spend the rest of my life with and I'm becoming comfortable in my sexuality with him.

      1. I feel like most people don't comprehend the chastisty….because. THEIR experiences have been so distataseful over the course of a lifetime. Like. It's different. Hm. What I mean is, if you've made a lifestyle of being sexual than why is it suddenly so innapropriate to have people witness it when they've been witnessing your whole life and you are viewed as a common ho? Does your LIFE not bother you as much as the thought of immortalized photos? YOU are immortalized as a person, as a ho. I think it's a lot worse than having a few tastefully sexy photos immortalized within the general public. But I feel judged as if I did something that's socially awkward. When I clearly feel good about myself. Happy. For the personal accomplishment. That I can be like hey I'm beautiful, here's a picture. Especially considering I ended an eight year relationship early on because he asked for that sort of stuff. It feels liberating to make that move with someone. I feel a certain way about the inherent tension of being pubicly sexual. I haven't quite figured it out yet. I'm getting there.

        1. I mean. How come it's wrong for me to be sexual in text with my best friend when OTHER females are sexual with LOTS of guys? THEY'RE sexual in public. What's the difference between everyone knowing you're a female who has lots of sex and having people know you don't have lots of sex but you're being sexual with one. I don't see the difference. I don't understand why females are so candid and why everyone is looking at me like they don't get what I'm talking about. There is absolutely NO honest reflection or developed thought in these comments how is the conversation supposed to be inclusive of someone like me if people are only making these watered down statements.

        2. First of all, Alakaii Hawaii, I would like to say my comment is not an attack, so don't view it that way. Let's keep this light-hearted topic that way.

          I saw your comments upthread about getting thumbs down. I don't think it's a big deal. Most of the time, people do that instead of writing out a full reply. That's all. Now, one big reason why you get thumbs down is because you do tend to go off-topic…and your replies are sometimes unnecessarily verbose. Just my 2 cents.

        3. I only feel attacked when people are anonymously judging me on a social infraction I'm completely unaware of. I legitimately do not understand how what I said what off topic.

          So…literally. Am I supposed to just say. "I don't sext but I do vent about sexuality to my best friend."

        4. I don't wanna say it out loud it's uncomfortable. I don't even read the comments I post I just say them because it lessens my anxiety. I'm not intentionally trying to be offensive I'm trying to stop sweating and stuttering everytime a male is within ten yards of me trying to flirt. I'm TRYING to talk like an adult abot what little I DO know I don't like things about sexuality flying CLEAR over my head I'd rather not reread my comments I'd rather just try to make sense of the responses.

      2. "I don't understand how females who are single moms and have had multiple partners and who are bonafied loose with themselves can suddenly try to be self righteous and feign morals and values. "

        ….wow….you're aware that you are making a very broad, baseless, and insulting statement here, right? Like, you can't go calling people (who you most likely don't know outside of the internet) out of their name and then feign confusion when people react negatively (via your salty responses downthread). That's doing the absolute most.
        My recent post inomallday: That said, check out Live From the Underground!!!

        1. I don't understand how WIM posed questions…I answered them. No one had anything to say. No one seems to wanna talk when I'm being polite. So when I say a generalized comment people jump down my throat.Well if it didn't apply to you why the hell didn't you speak up when I was speaking positively about the exploration of sexuality? Yes. I am genuinely confused.

          Because clearly, by sheer logical deduction: if I talk about chaster version of sexuality and no one has anything to say….but then I talk about the ho version of sexuality and suddenly I'm popular….there's clearly a disconnect of communication that is not MY fault. I TRIED to provide relevant commentary in a polite manner because I needed perspective. Aif what I said isn't true, than why not chat with me about the more tamed version of sexting?????????

        2. calling someone a garden tool isn't polite. you could've just talked about YOUR personal opinion from YOUR experiences in a more concise manner and not with a series of fragmented sentences please without calling people out of their name. Again, people you don't know from Adam. That's some Funk Flex type moves right there…pure BS. Don't throw rocks then hide your hands.
          My recent post inomallday: @WisdomIsMisery @DrJayJack *crying* she was doing THE absolute most

        3. Right. But lets call a spade of spade.

          I did that. In a concise manner. And was called verbose.
          I was polite at first. And then I said a logical assessment of what I was looking at.

          I'm not hiding anything. Unlike a female pretending she doesn't do questionable things with a variety of males prior to actually knowing their intentions for her…trying to fake like I'M the problem because I can't communicate in a respectful manner.

          Either way it sounds condescending. Either way I'm not going to see the wrong in saying something logical to get a discussion going. And if I have to be contained to figuring out a way to lie like that's not the case of majority of females on this website, than yeah. I'm gonna be short of words. Because I have no idea how to pretend that's not what I'm observing and I'm at a loss of words.

        4. The point is this: don't be disrespectful and then get all in your feelings when people don't take a shine to your commentary. You're getting REAL bold with your statements on what "the majority of females on this website " do — but fine, do you. However, if you're gonna be a d*ck, don't wonder why you're all alone in the sandbox with no friends to play with. I really don't think your hearing yourself with what your writing — either way, you need a hug, and I'm not gonna be the one to offer it to you. I'm over this discussion.
          My recent post inomallday: @WisdomIsMisery @DrJayJack she's pulling Funk Flex moves…

        5. The point is this: learn how to hold a discussion when I'm being polite.

          Think a little harder. Say something important. I won't have to be straight forward to get a discussion going. Being polite with females doesn't work. It never has. It never will. And no matter what I say it's always going to be offensive. so. *shrug* My one hug is perfectly sufficient to sustain my social needs but I ca see where someone who has needed several guys and several females and several platonic friends could have a dissconnect in communication with me. I was trying to politely go about it but lets be serious, it takes entirely too long to dance around the point. Therefore. I was honest. No need to tip toe. But whatever. I just wanted advice from a different perspective. *shrug*

  15. *looks at the comment stream*

    *looks at this story I just wrote that legit, has an introduction, rising action action, climax, falling action and conclusion*

    You know what. I think I'm gonna go with pass. I'm pretty sure I just discovered why all those guys were suddenly so bug eyed and I'm pretty sure I'm a lot more overtly sexual than I'm fully aware and I'm pretty sure……what I just typed up is the equivalent of a softcore Zane book so I'm just gonna say. I don't believe in sexting. I have however made a habit out of turning my best friends inbox into my personal blog about sex because he's been lowkey prepping me for marriage for four years and I legit had to develop and sexually mature as a woman. I was emotional. So I talked. And vented. and theorized. And we definitely did the sexy back and forth things and since then I've been trying to become a little more liberal and extroverted by making baby steps with my personality.

    1. …..but. I'm pretty sure I shouln't be borderline thrilled and ecstatic to indulge the intricacies and art form of seduction and best friends turned sigfigs. For the sake of it making me feel better about myself. I really don't wanna know that about myself it's slightly…exhibitionist. I blame him. I'm just gonna go think about life…

      I'm a nerd but. I definitely. There's a few sultry siren outfits in my closet and maybe once or twice I needed help picking out my clothes I mean husbands and wives do it all the time when they go shopping I just happened to not have subtle curves or facial features when I let my hair down and talk that way. It was chaste. I wasn't like. I mean. It wouldn't kill my career or anything. It's tasteful. I think I just have that look about me that makes everything ten more times sexual than it actually is so I'm just gonna not be this descriptive I definitely made that comment like a legit second post. Anyway! lol. That little moment of discovery was REALLY fun just then. I totally kind of maybe not even a little mind don't mind he shows me off. It's kinda thrilling and healthy for the self-esteem.

      1. Uh… if I met a girl who touted chastity and found out she was Zane-ing with her "best friend".. I'd definitely abort mission..

        1. You think I'm trying to sell chastity to people experienced in sexuality?

          Or.

          Do you think I'm aggressively pestering people the comment stream? Because trying to email and direct message and say polite comments didn't work. That's usually what happens when you need to have a discussion and no one is discussing. What mission? I legit don't understand what you're saying.

  16. I think women are much less visual creatures then men. So sexting with photos is unnecessary, unless I can "put it in my mouth" then entice me with your words. And at the end of the day if your sexting and/or dirty birdie talk cannot, does not, and will not match your live and in person actions. Then your BS and wasting my time.

      1. So true. I'm very visual – from a nice mouth to big, strong hands to defined quads, etc. – trust me, if a man has a nice body, he can certainly send me pics and I'll appreciate them. The focus does not need to be on his peen, though.

        1. I feel the same way about women and VJJs. I actually like random pics of everything EXCEPT VJJs*.

          *Amber Rose's box not withstanding. Hers looked like a work of art.

          …..remembers J's post about accidentally lowering women's self-esteem from last week. No offense ladies. I'm sure your box is equally beautiful and worthy of worship and praise, too. WIM loves you.

        2. Yep, I have rightfully been corrected. I am visual just not for penis pictures. And it's more of an issue with pictures because live and in person I like seeing fun parts.

        3. VJJs are ugly. Just like peen. All of it. Ugly. You can call mine ugly and tell me you dont want your face near it. I will tell you the same and we will get along just fine having lots of great chex sans pictures and oral.

        4. Heeeeey Coug, I actually agree with you on the VJJ thing. When I'm watching p0rn, I'm like I wish somebody would get a napkin and cover that thing up especially when they're all flapping around.

        5. Yes!!! @ Mizzcam. I would like it if a dude sends a pic right above the peen (pelvic V). But then again depending on how well I know him I may still act disgusted.

      1. *throws my hands in the air*

        *I* was just honest but I got thumbs down….? Wtf. You know I might be young but I'm starting to put the puzzle pieces together and I'm getting a little annoyed at all these females tryna fake like they're complete angels like cmon. PLEASE. You KNOW you've done some stuff in your life help me out here I need some advice. Pfft. It's making me feel aggressive. Which is making me feel weird. Less shy. Hm. Maybe. I should find a different kind of blog. Wow. #commonsensefail maybe SBM is professional and not a sex/relationship site because clearly….no one on this site actually gives advice on those sort of things. Or either they excessively flock to a watered down comment. Maybe. *holding the bridge of my nose*

        1. So….it's okay to tell a relative lie about how females behave and just say a one liner about points you agree on. But it's NOT okay to tell the entire backdrop of relationships expecting honest, straight forward advice. So. I'm somehow just supposed to pull a magic social behavior out of my butt when that's clearly a mixed signal. Like. How is this a sex/relationship blog when NO ONE TALKS HONESTLY about either one. Some of us might look at older people like role models and you guys are all, "I'm not gonna reflect honestly". Let me thumbs down this honest girl real quick. *full blown temper tantrum*

          and that's how everyone got face mushed when I got hormonal. I don't think there's anything wrong with sexting OR sending pictures OR ruining Sunday night football to contemplate my feelings….until the isht hits the fan and there are mad people in the room so maybe all of you old ass people should stop thumbs downing my comments and explain to me why I feel like an adrenaline junkie out of the blue.

        2. Just a suggestion: You might need to start your own blog rather then come to this one and demand people respond to you in a manner and way in which you approve. When you have your own house you can make — and break — all the rules.

        3. But I don't know enough to start a blog! So I came to this one because CLEARLY it's established so I just thought people would be honest like it didn't get this big because people make one lined comments it got big bcause it's an open forum of perspective. So I figured I could be open and get some perspective. I'm not demanding people respond I'm simply saying that isht is false advertising for people who are actually seeking perspective from individuals with experience. How is that a hard concept to understand?

          If you say you're a sex/relationship blog than why is no one actually discussing sex and relationships in an honest manner?

        4. GOOGLE says SBM is a sex/relationship blog. Yet you can't email the writers for advice and people in the comment stream don't know how to hold a legit conversation. That is false advertisment. I think I'm well within my rights to say could you pick the conversation up a bit? I DID provide. Oh….

          Maybe. Hm. Why would yu write a blog and then just want one lined comments on your opinion? I thought it was supposed to be a conversation about the post I was just trying to contribute to a conversation that could be inclusive of my life experience. Excuuuuuuse me for thinking it was acceptable.

        5. "Don't worry I'm not a predator or anything."

          LMBO! I cannot stop laughing at this…

        6. Cuz there's no discussion going on.

          You guys aren't talking that much. Yet you come off as experienced and in your thirties. So if you're quiet that means you're lying about something?

        7. It seems to me like you are searching for attention. You have a void that needs to be filled, and my first peice of advice is you won't find it here. You begin telling us about the relationship that you have with your friends and the dressing room situation.. "we get that". But it's a little inconsistent with these thread of comments. "Sexting" sex + texting = what it may or may not lead up to. Not only that, but WIM provides us with a list of questions that could possibly be answered according to your thoughts.

          You, then, profess that you are young and trying to come to terms with your sexuality while in the same breathe, you belittled those who have been having sex for X amount of time and women who have children. No one passed judgement on your inexpereince which leaves me a little confused as to why you are so hostile. Not that it matters, but I feel that was way out of line. However, if you have questions or need guidance sweetie… just ask.

        8. Well yeah. I need attention cuz I don't wanna be blindsided by my best friend and not have perspective on what's going on. And this is a relationship/sex blog that *looks at the heading* provides perspective. So I figured I would get attention in the form of advice and guidance. I couldn't email any of the writers. I couldn't message the one I was most comfortable with on twitter. I answered the questions posed in the post with detail I saw as relevant. And Amaris said any sexual stuff is sexting including text, photos and video ad I feel my commetary was relevant. No one responded when I was being subtle and polite so I just said something honest and stopped trying to dance around what I was feeling. I wasn't trying to be hostile I was just sincerely annoyed and I stopped filtering.

        9. Alaska Hawaii? Hun? You talk too damn much. And you babble. That’s about it for me. If you want to respond by calling me a hoe, just do that with a couple words. Like”stupid hoe”. Spare everyone else.

        10. lol. I talk too much. I don't think you guys talk enough so I overcompensate. I THOUGHT people would respond by having an honest conversation with me. And WIM *asked* for a story! !! So I gave a story. But whatever. I can deal with talking too much. Tone it down. Well. I'm trying to get perspective so maybe a little more discussion and commentary from other folks would lessen my need to be so long winded. I hear your point though.

    1. I could link to a blog I created for some pretty steamy stories I wrote from 10th grade freshman year in college. I was a guest blogger of similar stories on another website just a couple years ago. I have a way with those kinds of words and prefer men who do as well. 🙂

  17. "What are your thoughts and preferences on sexting?"
    I think it's better to explore sexuality with someone you've known for a few years and have an idea of what a lifetime with that person will mean.

    How do you navigate the world between turn ons and turn offs?
    I don't attempt to navigate I just do and see what happens and try to make sense of it.

    What are your thoughts on sending pics as part of the process?
    As long as they're tasteful. *shrug* It's fun.

    Any horror stories you’d like to share? No. Because apparently you ASKING for a story means I'M being verbose.

    1. Alakaii,

      While we appreciate your commentary, as a moderator of this site I would like to bring to your attention something; you've posted 31 comments today. Yesterday, 55 of 185 comments came from you alone. Keep in mind that while we want to hear all your thoughts, that may be overwhelming to some of the other readers. In order to foster a great environment for everyone to enjoy aka "play nice and ish" it's important that not one reader dominates the comments section as such. Keep this in mind going forward. My recommendation would be to reduce the frequency of your comments and increase the potency.

      Also, if you have questions that you would like answered directly by the writers, please take advantage of the Contact Us button on the top banner.

      Thanks.

      1. How come no one else talks more? I wouldn't talk so much if more people talked I was trying to get a discussion going. But. I understand.

        1. Thank you for understanding. I think people talk a great deal, but again let me reiterate, there needs to be a conducive environment in place. This is a comments section/discussion board, it shouldn't turn into a chat room with streams of consciousness. That's what prevents the environment from being great. Try my first recommendation about reducing frequency and increasing potency. It may also be beneficial to take a few days to observe the climate.

    1. Real talk, texting is a fairly new phenom. Around the time when I might have indulged in this (late teens/early 20s), texting/sexting was not the thing. Back then, you had to worry about the picture developer giving you the side-eye when you went to pick up your "artwork", lol. If this convo were about phone chex, you might get a bit more "yay's" than "nay's". Phone calls aren't typically recorded…and usually don't come back to haunt you. Plus, nothings ever really REALLY deleted…gotsta be more careful.

      And, on top of all that, I'm not big on texting…like at all, lol. Call me…or email me.

  18. I agree. Sexting offers about the same pleasure as phone sex which hasn't been cute since high school.

    Pictures are accepted however.

  19. All of my relationships have been long distance, so a girlfriend being the Rated R superstar was a given. But these were legitimate relationships, so I would never think of putting them out like that. If you're dealing w/ a guy who you even think might do that to you, that reflects badly on your choice of men.

    On the flip, I believe women read way too deep into sexting and sending sexy pics. The vast majority of dudes aren't going to present your gallery to the board. To get a woman to do it is an accomplishment on its own merit, so to hold a council over said pics would be the same as a guy talking himself out of a box offering. Doesn't happen as often as women thinks (or are worried about) it happens. I only thing I would say is Don't Do is don't bust it wide open! The vag is not a pretty thing to look at it….human beings come out of that hole, so no amount of glitter oil can make it a nice thing to look at

    Only embarrassing story I have is I had a nickname that I used to call an ex gf b/c of the "plumpness" of her lady part. I slipped up and texted it to her, not knowing that her best friend had borrowed her phone that day. Needless to say, I got the "you eat azz" face the next time I went over there.
    My recent post His &amp; Hers – There’s Always 2 Sides To A Story

  20. Sexting with your trusted mate (trusted is the key here) is foreplay to me. Nothing long and drawn out…just a couple of short directed requests are all that are needed and are awesome! 😉

    1. and I'm wondering if the people that don't like sexting are the same ones that are silent during the "act"…which I'm not saying anything is wrong with that…so calm down. LOL! I'm just wondering!

  21. I think sexting for sensible women, not for chicks who put all their goodies up on the internets just because it's Wednesday – is similar to how a woman will know if she will sleep w/ a dude within the first moments/seconds/minutes. There are dudes who put it out in the atmosphere who get the scrunched up face and the you better gon' head with alladat. And then there might be that dude, if you feeling him and he's feeling you, y'all actually talk, date, are together, he might put it out there and you be like hmmm…It has to be a perfect storm of attraction, approach and presentation.

    I will say if you are a dude randomly sending chicks pictures of your peen – it will get shown to the homies and forwarded and there will be laughter.
    My recent post For the Love of God

  22. What are your thoughts and preferences on sexting?

    Two words: no go.

    How do you navigate the world between turn ons and turn offs?

    The whole idea is a turn off, really. I can't take either sexting or phone sex seriously.

    What are your thoughts on sending pics as part of the process? Do you like unsolicited dirty pics (tragically, a phenomenon I hear far too many men are guilty of by the way)?

    I have been told a few times that I should expect a picture of that nature, and my response is usually that they should spare my eyes and phone memory. I have less than zero interest. I don't send them either.

  23. "What are your thoughts and preferences on sexting?"

    Only with your significant other.

    It's a legitimate use of foreplay. If you have your lady thinking about what's going to happen later in the day when you send a few suggestive comments via text when she's at work, and get her all hot and bothered, it will be a good time for both of you later.

  24. Personally….. I dont care for either. However, I prefer Sexting over phone sex. As long as the sexting is not for hours on top of hours. It has to be messages that gives me something to to look forward to when i get there or he " Cums" here…. something to get me hype/ OPEN. I send my boo a pic from time to time… (from home, work, dressing rooms, etc). It's something to enhance the #LUSTLIFE life.

  25. I'm not a fan! The only exception would be for my husband (who doesn't exist right now). Other than that, no. How do you even know if both of you are on the same page? What if the other person has gotten their fix for the night and I haven't even gotten started? How do you know when to stop sexting? How do you know this isn't a setup or joke? Too many questions/ concerns for me!

  26. UH… i think it depends on if it's your significant other as opposed to just a "random." Then you risk your business being put out there to the masses.

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  29. I absolutely hate sexting and typing out long messages about having sex on my phone (also the touchscreen on my current phone is annoying) After grappling with the touchscreen and rechecking my message for typos which can be a huge turnoff, I lose all interest. What is supposed to be pleasurable turns into a chore. I do it because my BF seems to love sexting and he is really very good at writing long elaborate messages, unfortunately I am not. Last night, he asked me to continue sexting him when I was in bed, I looked at the messages but after a whole day of dealing with them, I just wanted to roll over and sleep. It's not like it turns me on and the last thing I wanted to do was deal with writing a sext on my dysfucntional phone.

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