You're doing it wrong.

Text messages aint nuttin but the devil! There, I said it! As many of you know, especially those of you who know me personally, I aint got no game. I haven’t had game since like 2003. I don’t know what went wrong. One day I had game, then I tore my game-spitting-ACL or something and I haven’t been the same since.

Text messages exasperate my lack of game. Text messages are the dunk contest to my sprang ankle. We already know men prefer texting to talking on the phone. This is likely because it’s a lot easier than talking on the phone – and men like easy women stuff. Given enough time with text messages, you can come across as a Shakespearean savant; whereas, in real life, you might struggle to string together a grammatically correct sentence. This brings me to the latest development in the text messaging game – sexting.

I HATE SEXTING!

This surprises a lot of people considering I write for a living but it’s true. I think sexting is the dumbest thing since talking on the phone. I don’t see the point of either. Both are pretty much a waste of time if you ask me. Today though, I’m here to address sexting. Besides, Slim Jackson already addressed why men don’t like talking on the phone.

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Sexting is awkward. Mad awkward! I’d rather perform the actions themselves than tease myself with the idea of the actions. What’s the point? Where’s the rule book? It’s also debatable whether women have an unfair advantage given the sheer number of desirable angles and appendages they can take pictures of compared to men. The details of which I’ll leave to your own imaginations. Then there’s that awkwardly invisible thin-line between sexting foreplay and sexting your way to complete alienation from the box.

I remember I had this friend once…let’s call him MisdomIsWisery. MisdomIsWisery had this girl that was beyond down. Frankly, she had already assured him it was going down a few days before, so they were merely engaging in the formality of sext-play beforehand. Sadly, due to a number of unfortunate scheduling conflicts, they were unable to meet up to commence in the getting down of the going down before tragedy struck.

You see friends, at some point earlier in the week the girl made a joke to MisdomIsWisery regarding an activity she was willing to perform. Later that same week, the two were sexting one another freaky naughty messages when MisdomIsMisery re-hashed the joke to detrimental results. Actually, the girl got outright offended! Like REAL offended, like “don’t talk to me anymore” offended. Needless-to-say, MisdomIsWisery was shocked and appalled by this bizarre turn of events. In fact, many moons later he still wonders “what if” about the thick-thighed girl from his past that never was.

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*insert frowny faced emoticon here*

Done wrong, sexting can have detrimental effects. Have you ever gone back and forth with someone in increasingly detailed descriptions with what you’re going to do to one another when all of sudden you send that one extra-descriptive accidentally over-the-top text involving the rubber ducky, feathers, and beads because you over-estimated your partner’s freakiness level, and all of sudden all two-way communication from the other end cease and desist? Most. Awkward. Moment. Ever.

You don’t know if the other person is thinking of something clever to say in response, that you’re a pervert unworthy of real-life sexual gratification, or they died. And arguably, there are only two of these you might be able to recover from. In the mean time, you’re left staring at the ‘R’ on your BBM or ‘Delivered’ on your iPhone 4S wondering if you should text a follow-up message, cry, or kill yourself before you end up as an Instagram chat-screen capture on Twitter. That’s rough. Anyway…

What are your thoughts and preferences on sexting?  How do you navigate the world between turn ons and turn offs? What are your thoughts on sending pics as part of the process? Do you like unsolicited dirty pics (tragically, a phenomenon I hear far too many men are guilty of by the way)? Is there anything someone of the opposite sex should definitely NOT do? Any horror stories you’d like to share? Help us, help everyone.