Home Featured Ten Acts of Desperation Women Perform to Keep Mr. Right

Ten Acts of Desperation Women Perform to Keep Mr. Right

why he won't answer your calls
Asking yourself why he won’t answer your calls, won’t make him call you.

In this part of my series, Combating the Female Fear of Rejection, I turn my attention to a few of the more disappointing things that women sometimes do when faced with rejection and when they jusy want to keep their Mr. Right.

I would preface this entire post with this message, just because you do one of these things, doesn’t make you desperate. However, if you are hitting on this list a few times, you might want to take a closer look at yourself. Let me expand on that point and posts like this in general before I get into it. When you read a list and you see something in yourself in the post and you’re wondering if the author’s conclusion applies to you, STOP. Here’s some insight into the male relationship blogger’s mind; the ones who are good at it, don’t want you to feel like crap. My goal is to inspire you to think. However, you have to do your thinking on your own in self-meditation.

With what I’ll call, “My attempt to stop the massive amounts of people who think they know everything they need to know about Dr. J but don’t realize he really isn’t trying to hurt your feelings,” out of the way, I’ll now begin my post.

I put a lot of thought into word choice here. In my mind, Ten Reasons Why You’re Single… is just flat out mean. I don’t think desperate women are bad people. In fact, many of them are great women who do not see failure as an option. The best thing for them to do is to reevaluate their definition of failure. By learning over time that just because it doesn’t work out with that guy doesn’t make you a failure, you can avoid doing these things. This list is best served, as is. These are the symptoms of desperation in women when they can’t handle rejection.

1.       Agree to things they’d never do –

When I date, as soon as she says something like, “I don’t think men and women can truly be platonic friends.” I know it’s not going anywhere. The women I call friends have been in my life for a long time, they’re not going anywhere. Women on the other hand… when they get desperate and their man tells them to ditch their male friends, that’s exactly what they do. Women will learn to adapt and mold their entire entity to keep a man.

See Also:  How Does a Man Approach a Newly Single Woman?

2.       Buy him stuff –

It’s perfectly okay to send a guy a card or an album on iTunes. Women have to be honest with themselves though. Personally, I’ve always felt a certain way about gifts from women. If you know me, you know that I almost always turn them down. I’ve heard the craziest stories when it comes to women buying stuff for men. “Wait, you really bought him a new suit because he got a new job? Is that your boyfriend? No? That’s crazy, don’t do that anymore.” The hands down worse, “You paid this negro’s RENT?! He must be beating the brakes off you in the bedroom. Wait, y’all not even sleeping together… yet? Let’s move on…”

gifts for him

3.       Show up unexpectedly –

When you stop answering their calls, texts, emails, Skype chats, Gchats, Facebook messages, LinkedIn messages, etc. they do the next logical alternative, they show up unexpectedly. They either want to be heard, or they just need to see you. Women have this strange habit of thinking that if they can just get you to see them, you’ll take them back.

4.       Subtweet about him, and delete them later on –

Nothing worse than checking out a female friend’s twitter page in the wee hours of the morning and she has been tweeting about this guy from midnight until the horoscopes come up. By the time I get to work, all those tweets are gone and now the homies can’t even get a good laugh.

5.       Tell everybody else that he’s off limits –

Hey I just met you and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me, maybe? Sorry… I got distracted. A desperate woman will keep a good man from meeting the woman of HIS dreams because she can’t control her feelings. Listen, if that man won’t give you time of day do not forbid your friends from seeing him. If you were in a relationship, it’s different. Even still temper how much you go telling it on the mountain that he’s taken.

See Also:  Five Reasons Why You Can’t Be Michelle Obama

getting pissed off

6.       Go into denial –

Have you ever had a girl going around telling everybody she had a man but the guy kept saying, he didn’t have a girl? That’s almost always a woman in denial. I know a lot of you will claim that men have problems claiming their women. Nope, usually it’s because she considers him to be in a relationship with her because they are working it out. In his mind, he thought “please stop calling me” means he’s single.

7.       Trap him –

There are some women who are Relationship Jihadists. They’ll ruin their life, their family life, the man’s life, everybody’s life in the vicinity of her reach will be ruined when she’s done with him. This rarely works to be completely honest too. If you guys couldn’t manage to last 60 days, how the heck are you going to last 21 years?

walking with the dog

8.       Buy a dog –

Women who buy dogs for companionship are the worst. I see this happening everyday and I just want to plead with them to stop. Once a woman is close to giving up on men altogether, she buys a dog. The dog is the kiss of death on your dating life. The dog has to be walked, curbed, played with and any man who decides to date you will have to consider if he wants to be a part-time father to your dog.

9.       Go super submissive –

Only two things can happen to super submissive women; they end up alone, or in abusive relationships. The super submissive woman has absolutely no backbone. She thinks that if she doesn’t rock the boat and does everything to make him happy, it will last. In reality, that won’t work. If every time a man pushes you fall, he’ll push you out of the way onto the next.

See Also:  Are Male Bloggers Helping or Hurting Women?
act crazy over a glass of champagne
Don’t act crazy over a glass of champagne.

10.    Settle –

Undoubtedly what ends up happening is at a certain point, women will settle. This is the desperation heave that will lead to their death. There’s nothing more disappointing than a woman choosing to date men that are below her standards because the men that meet her standards don’t want her. This hurts my heart to the core because it’s one of those actions that hurts everyone involved. The man has to know he wasn’t your first choice. When he looks at the pictures of your ex-boyfriends, he knows. When he realizes that you’ve done almost a complete 180 from who you used to be, he knows. For the woman, it’s tragic because you’re stuck in a situation with a man who you have to convince yourself to love. You have to convince yourself after a while that you can support someone who wasn’t your first choice, might not even have been your second or third. However, many women will choose to settle to avoid being single forever.

Typically, when women start to get desperate my advice to them is to hold on. It’s not time to abandon the well thought out strategy that is who you are. If you feel that this is Mr. Right and you just cannot picture yourself living without him, then yes, fight until the end. However, if Mr. Right has told you he doesn’t want you, you need to rethink why your Mr. Right doesn’t want you and what that means. I don’t recommend any acts of desperation. Man or woman, you never want to lose yourself in a relationship or in fear of being alone. The person who gives all of these things up to keep a man ends up being wack. That’s really the best word I can use. Then, when Mr. Right comes along he’s looking at a woman he might think is wack. Don’t let the man of your dreams get the wack version of you; keep on being great until the end.

– Dr. J


  1. 1 out of 10… I do buy men ties, I buy ’em in bulk right after Christmas when they are 75% off. I’ve got a bunch & a couple bow ties too. Only because I like my dates wearing button ups & snazzy neck wear though.

  2. Ehhh, I have to say, you lost me with 'buying a dog.' A woman can't just like dogs? I thought cats were supposed to be the sign that a woman has given up, lol…

    But otherwise, I agree for the most part. As soon as a woman starts changing herself to accommodate what she thinks a man wants her to be, she loses. Even if they stay together, she'll eventually start to hate herself for it and resent him. It's rough out here for the single women, I know, but I'd rather wait for someone who I feel is worth my time, and wants me around. I never want to have to beg for anyone's attention.
    My recent post Can One’s Self-Esteem Be Tied to Another Person?

    1. mizzcam I said the same thing. I was rollin wit u "ride or die" Mary J. Blige style Doc J til u bought up the dog…..lol Guys have dogs too. People have dogs in general because they are like cute little toys, they are obedient, they adore you and love you unconditionally and don't technically ask you for anything, and they can't talk and get on your nerves. Everybody likes being adored and having their azz kissed and we all desire to be loved unconditionally. You get all that and more in dogs, so…………but I guess u know some women who bought dogs for the reasons you stated in your post so, I digress….*smile*
      I also agree with these things. Only Caveat is all the things you listed are things everyone in decent and typical long-lasting committed relationships do; including marriage, yes even settle, because realistically you will never get 100% Everything you want and need 24/7 in a life-partner. You will have to compromise on some things. The only exception is being in denial, although sometimes this happens in relationships as well. When one person mentally checks out at some point and your still in denial thinking you have this perfect relationship.
      I think it's best to say if these things are done to the extreme and you are losing the essence of who you really are when your with the person your with then it is a serious problem.
      But just because people do some of these things doesn't necessarily mean the woman is desperate.
      Depends on the situation, circumstances, reasons why, how much the woman is doing them and to what degree, and if the man is cool with it or not.
      There is a fine line though between doing things in moderation with good intentions, and "doing too much" with ill willed intentions.

    2. I don't know… there are times when women buy a dog because she likes dogs. There are others when she buys a dog because she wants a companion and that's the closest she can get. In those circumstances the relationship with the pet is very awkward. It's not just when they want a husband too. At times, women purchase or adopt a dog because they want children. It's just very odd.

      1. Dr. J people want and have a baby, (especially women) because they want the same type of unconditional love u get from a pet. The reasons why and principles are much the same. I get what your saying.

      2. "At times, women purchase or adopt a dog because they want children"

        You know what you got a point because I've suggested this exact thing to my homeboy who's girl was hounding him to have a baby.. I told him "Boy. Listen here, get her a puppy better yet get her 2 puppies, that'll keep her busy." I know. *lol*

      3. I'm late and all, but want to throw my 2cents in. Maybe I missed something, but if a woman has given up on having a man, how is buying a dog an "act of desperation" performed to keep Mr. Right.

        1. I think the dog sometimes is the consolation. Buying the dog won't keep a man. That's a good catch though.

  3. Yes to all that you said! I was just watching TV One's, Love Addiction where this chic is so desperate, she will do anything and everything to make her man happy, even if it means being disrespected. Time and again, this balloon of a man that she is dating has proven not worthy of her sweet nature, but since she lives in Atlanta, where the ratio of men to women is 1:2-her words, she will hold on to any brother that shows her a little "love". Mind you this brother, stays working in the studio 24/7, on some gotdamn music that never hits the radio. Even after her daddy passed on and she called him, he did not even attempt to comfort his babe. Yet, she still holds onto this fantasy of him and her being the next Jay and Bey from Atlanta. The fuck. Wake up woman. SAD!!! Very sad.
    My recent post A Rising Griot: Malaka G

  4. I don't understand why a blog titled 'Single Black Male' mostly has articles geared toward women and not men. Men are always giving women advice, but won't give advice to other men.

    1. NOT YOUR FRIEND there are plenty of posts geared towards men. Check out the archives.
      Also be mindful of the guys audience. Probably at least 80 to 85% Women. It makes sense to do posts that are geared toward women.
      I haven't been on the site for years, but I've been on here long enough to recognize that all these guys are doing is simply openly and honestly educating women about men's ways, habits, thinking and trying to answer many of the questions that I'm sure they are asked a million times by women, and give them some insight into the mind of men in general.
      Also not many men, are seeking answers to a bunch of questions pertaining to love and relationships regarding women. Men may do research online about sexual dysfunctions and/or things related to sexually pleasing women, however men are not like women. So it would be kinda pointless for them to give advice to men because it would be in vain. Men are not on here looking for advice on how to find and keep a good woman and how to get women to marry them because they don't need it. We ladies are the ones trying to coral us a good man so that's why this and most everything u see online relating to love and relationships will address women's issues with men cheating, and how to keep a man etc etc etc. Look at other blogs and sites and you'll see what I'm talking about. Also reread the very top of the blog on the homepage beneath the title "Single Black Male." It says, "the source for the black male perspective." Men know who they are and what they got. They don't need perspective about themselves, not from a blog anyway, we as women are the ones who have a million questions about men that we always want honestly answered, and these guys do just that. They are just online educators on the subject of black men.
      And no I didn't get paid for my statements…..lol. I just really like this blog and think these guys do a pretty good job at answering women's questions and giving them insight into the male mind.
      Keep doin what your doin fella's….*smile*

    2. A few things…

      1. We have a Sports section. (Men like sports)
      2. We have someone talking about men's fashion. (Men like clothes)
      3. We have someone talking generally about politics and culture (of interest to both sexes).
      4. We have posts on our experiences as men. (Men have experiences)
      5. Our readership is 80% women. (Women like hearing what urban professional men have to say)
      6. The blogospehere is dominated and run by women. (What other sites do you read? Who runs them?)
      7. We have numerous posts geared toward men, but nobody talks about those.
      8. Men aren't checking for these types of sites in the numbers women are. In particular, men aren't looking for relationship advice and checking for "the black male perspective" at the rate women are.

      You're tired of us writing posts geared toward women, I'm tired of people telling us what the site should be about like they put the hours in behind the scenes. Misseth me with all of that.

      My recent post A Few Random Thoughts on My Experience at #BWB2012

      1. This has nothing to do with anything, but I note you say "The blogospehere is dominated and run by women" a lot. Considering that there are a LOT of relationship blogs out there, indicating that women are either baffled by men or interested in them, you don't think it actually puts you at an advantage? We really do tire of "women centered" women's blogs. I know it's not a blog, but I frequent sites like askmen all the time. I would think that since men don't usually go trolling on women's blogs that male bloggers benefit most from male/female combo traffic.

        I also realize this was not the comment to bring that question about, but I was honestly just asking.

        1. If I were a woman who dated sexist, misogynistic Black men, then sure, this blog would put me at a great advantage.

        2. lol at "If I were a woman who dated sexist, misogynistic Black men, then sure, this blog would put me at a great advantage."

          lol, who on this site is a misogynist? Who here is tearing women down or telling them they ain't sh*t? Who is saying women should be in the kitchen, etc? Do you even know what misogynist means? How about misandry? You sound like you know what that one means. Why are you even here other than to kick up dirt? It's Friday. Tomorrow is the sabbath, go get ready to rest or something. Damn.
          My recent post Three Awesome Articles From This Week

        3. =O

          -covers my mouth with my hand and stifles a laugh-

          …lol. He said you need more people bro. *popcorn*

          I'm gonna be a neutral instigator though cuz I think conflicting opinions promote growth and even though it's kinda nice when guys get all riled up at such straight forward comments…..I think SBM holds everyone accountable for the disconnect in relationships while covering a range of topics that appeals to both sexes. *shrug* It would be nice for the balance to tip towards men holding themselves accountable for using women in the first place though. At least be honest and give yourselves harsh truths too. Like. C'mon. You knew 'ol girl was struggling with herself when you met her yet you messed with her anyway, and now you call her desperate. Bet money you were opportunistic cuz she was fine. A "stop that" to your fellow guys would be nice.

        4. Let me close this out in my best Jerry spring Final thoughts voice..

          You are NOT our friend this is true, you are just trolling. Its commentors and readers like you whom i personally give no fucks about whatsoever.

          Slim, and WIM have already comprehensively broken down your argument elegantly, so let me be blunt.

          You are an idiot. You come on this site to kick up dirt to our writers and our readers. We see right through you, Judas!

          There is a plethora of information for men on this site, and we are dynamic enough to tackle many different issues and viewpoints. Not to mention that we recently conducted a survey for our readers and have responded to our READERS interests and opinions accordingly! Don't come on here because your successless, meager, and uninteresting life deems you "worthy" of troll status.

          Stay in your lane and if you think we're that bad, click the "x" located in the upper right corner of the browser!

          Yes you came to get a reaction, and yes I am #REACTING, but fuk it, its Friday work is wrapped up!

          Irony: at the end of this post was a suggestion to read the blogf "Why men dont attend anything that smells like a singles event"
          My recent post #BeTheBetter Fitness Log: Entry 4

        5. SMH. You typed all of that for nothing, because it is so far off the mark, it's ridiculous.

        6. Okay. As a woman who writes and runs a blog of advice for men about women (shameless plug) I will say this. I LOVE reading this site for the same reason I write my blog.

          If I want advice about the law, I ask a lawyer.
          If I want advice about cars, I ask a mechanic.
          If I want dog advice, I'll ask Cesar.
          If I want advice about men, I read this site.
          If men want advice about women, they can read mine.

          My recent post When Your Wingman Fails You…

        7. I actually don't consider SBM a relationship blog anymore. That's why we don't post relationship articles five days a week. And yes, there are a lot of relationship blogs, but of all those sites, how many men are winning? And outside of the relationship niche, how many men are winning? And if you're someone like me that has no aspirations of being a relationship guru, how much of an advantage is it to be in this niche? Particularly in the black blogosphere? #branchout

          Lastly I'll say this…

          Just because a select few of us appear to be "winning" doesn't mean the collective of male bloggers is winning. And it's kinda funny to me that male blogger automatically gets associated with relationships this side of the blogospehere…as if that's the only way for us to make it. That, to me, is part of the issue.

          I appreciate the question. I initially had a much longer answer, but truncated it for the betterment of society.lol
          My recent post Three Awesome Articles From This Week

        8. I was trying to be short as well, so I think the general point got lost in translation because I used the word 'relationship' as an example. I was pointing that out to say I had always thought there were more women trolling around, engaging and or enjoing "male perspective" (whether relationship-centered or not) sites as opposed to the reverse (which is why I noted my love of askmen, etc), so I considered a male blogger to be at an advantage as well.

          And I have never really considered SBM to be a 'relationship' site. I considered it to be a "male perspective" site, and took it as a given that since yo'all like women, on occasion you would talk about them 🙂

        9. You know…last weekend I browsed the archives for interesting titles and I read enough articles to get a general idea of the progress of the site as a whole. It seems to have started out as a single black guy just expressing himself about everything under the sun and then it sorta turned into a relationship blog because WOMEN needed that perspective from males. Now it just seems like it's losing a little steam and as writer's the guys are more interested in talking about other stuff like finance or major decisions or culture and I've even got a little whiff of desiring to write on things they're passionate about. But I do think continuing to write towards the female audience will get a bit OC if you guys don't show more accountability so I think if you guys wanna write about bigger, better things than do it. Yeah your audience will shift but like you said Slim, who's putting the time in to run this blog? The women readership just comments. So much so SBM is perceived as having a relationship oriented brand. Shift it back.

    3. Comments like this our strange to me and show how egotistical the average person is. Beyond what Slim said about what we write here, do people not understand you vote with your clicks and comments? Would we REALLY sit around writing content that no one read or commented on? I doubt it. Also, men read the website too. Since they aren't voicing your same concerns, silence speaks too. Maybeeeeeeeee…they simply dont disagree?

      Regarding the self-centered ego some people have – and I've seen this a lot – people go to a website like CNN.com. Skip over the 1,000 links to all their various articles and because there's ONE article on black men/women they declare "ALL CNN TALKS ABOUT IS BLACK MEN/WOMEN!" …..this is not true. You only personalize the content directed at you.

      Specific to us, if you go to the SBM homepage right now from top to bottom the subjects include:

      1) Jay's two Friday post (one of which is not about women)
      2) Tunde: Generation Y
      3) Streetz: Hip hop
      4) Christian Law: How MEN should dress
      5) Joe Sargent: the Heat BASKETBALL team
      6) WIM: Relationship perspectives of BOTH sexes (hell it's in the title)
      7) Dr. J: Summer Flings

      Around the Web

      1) Tracy Edmonds
      2) Brothers Without Game
      3) Age of Men likely to cheat
      4) The Major Pilot
      5) RMDG – a men's website

      We only talk about women? ….you need more people, bro

      My recent post Pacquaio vs Bradley Saving Grace: Boxing has always been corrupt

  5. Funny that this article shows up right after my daily journal entry, where I came to the conclusion that I'm needy not just in relationships but in life in general at times. For me personally it dealt with a lot of events growing up that I never really worked through, and as an adult I did things I didn't want to do just to just to be "cared for".

    Of course in the end it never worked out, but I'm proud of myself for "catching" my ways when I did, before getting into a situation which would result in an episode of Scorned. It may sound cheesy but you genuinely have to really "love yourself" before you should even think about going into any type of relationship with somebody else, and for me ( I don't like speaking for anyone else) I was never raised on that concept.

    1. I agree with you 100% on the loving yourself first part. When you love yourself first, you will call out and walk away from unacceptable behaviour because your standards mean something to you. When you make a compromise (because relationships do require giving ground on both sides) you will be compromising on things that make up your core. If you are required to compromise on those things, you will be strong enough to say "I really like this man, but the cost is too high" and walk away.

    2. Can't tell you how many times I tell people to stop dating and learn to love themselves… a lot before getting back into it.

    1. Do men and women settle? Yes. Most? I'm not sure I would go that far.

      First of all, get rid of that rating system when it comes to the reality of marriage and relationships. It only encompasses looks and taking into consideration all things, you might consider a woman a 6, but her entire package makes her a 10.

      Second of all, settling really is a state of mind. However, you know when someone has given up on their dream guy/girl. And your dream guy/girl isn't the one in the magazines or music videos, it's the one you meet whom you go crazy for… like your type. You can just tell.

      1. Tell me about it! I've realized that only ONE guy I have EVER dated was a dream guy to me, and he turned out not to be must of the dream after all (hence he is an X now). EVERY other guy I have gone out with, dated, even the few that had the "cookie", were people I settled for because at least they were very interested, very invested and shared some commonalities with me. Which is cool for a friend but not a life partner. The type I go crazy for hardly comes by and when they do they do not seem genuinely interested and I have tried to figure out why… But I haven't been succesful… It is so exhausting! Thank goodness I have decided to keep my standards this time around, but it just makes it much much harder to find a new man…

  6. just saying this post is gonna need a remix because some men be acting like they afraid of being single too…

    I know women who have done 9 of these things (idk bout the dog one, some just fill the void with best friends and godchildren). In their eyes its not desperation its “fighting for their love”, yet none of the women i know thats done a multitude of those things are in HAPPY relationships whether it was for me or some other dude. I said happy because some of these acts will get you an Mr Aint Ish and nobody can tell you about you and your Mr Wrong *Mary chicken wrap shrug*

  7. I like the post, the part about the dog made me laugh!! Fortunately im not really into dogs, was planning on getting a Turtle though..its low maintenance,lol. Consider the term "relationship Jihadists" officially stolen!!
    Good post 🙂

  8. Hmm…
    Yes I know I'm not supposed to just throw myself in there, but I don't really buy gifts. HOWEVER, if you have been saying you need something, and I happen to see the thing you need at a steal and I can't contact you about it, I am the type of person who will just get it for you. I do that for my friends all the time. I'd feel bad if some guy thought I was just trying to buy his love :-/
    Conversely, I have a big problem accepting gifts, but that's another story entirely.

    I think where the line crosses from just being a regular genuinely nice person & 'desperate' is reciprocity. If you are constantly giving more than you receive or are constantly compromising for an immovable object (relationships aren't quid pro quo so I'm not saying keep score, I'm talking about a gross imbalance) than you just need to ask a few questions and be prepared to comprehend the answers. Lord knows I've been there.

    1. Girl, we've all been there. I'm the same; if I see something I know you'd like, I'll get it just because. While I love to give gifts simply because I genuinely enjoy making my guy happy, I do notice if I never receive anything in return. We both should be making an effort to do things for each other – not just gifts, but gestures as well.

      1. " If you are constantly giving more than you receive or are constantly compromising for an immovable object (relationships aren't quid pro quo so I'm not saying keep score, I'm talking about a gross imbalance) than you just need to ask a few questions and be prepared to comprehend the answers."
        Exactly Amaris……..it's a thin line, but u gotta know where and when to draw it.

    2. Yeah it's nothing wrong with being thoughtful. Buying a dude a cell phone or paying his rent is crossing the line. Plus, it's a lot of men out there who will gladly take these gifts. I'm just looking out for what looks like absolute craziness.

      1. Oh my days!. My X got upset with me for not signing a deal +phone on MY name for HIM. Meaning he wanted me to get a 2 year contract somewhere so he could get a phone. I told his broke ass to eithe buy one HIMSELF or stick to the phone he's got. THANK GOD I didn't get him that phone!

  9. I've seen #2 and #3 happen. A lot. As a result, I've become really uncomfortable receiving gifts from women I'm intimate with. I feel like they're trying to buy me off. I had one come at me with gifts on our SECOND DATE. She couldn't figure out why I was uncomfortable with it.

    As for #8, I've started giving single women with dogs a wide berth. I had an experience with one lady who seemed awkward around any living thing with less than four legs. Also, dogs jumping on the bed mid-coitus? Not cool.

    1. Also, dogs jumping on the bed mid-coitus? Not cool.


      Hey. Ummm.. Do I know you?? *CrackinUp*


  10. "Hold on. It’s not time to abandon the well thought out strategy that is who you are."

    Dr. J, for those words, I simply say thank you. That #10 is a killer for sure.
    AND I'm not buying a darn dog!!

  11. I've seen #s 2, 3, 5, 6, and 7…not pretty.

    #2 just drains you and the rest just makes you look obsessive and psychotic, lol.

    Not cool.

  12. Good post bro.I hope the ladies who are reading this adhere to what was stated because the acts listed are signs of desperation and will definitely ruin your chances of meeting a good dude. I think when you first learn to love yourself, everything else will fall into place on your search for the right mate.

  13. I'm trying to address this without sounding GUILTY of 60% of what was mentioned in this post but….. #FAIL lol
    I will admit I have done a few of these minus the DOG or TRAP'em. If a guy doesn't want to be with me i will know by the "I don't knows" that follow my queries. Meaning "I want things to go further between us…but I dont know". I feel he wants us to be together but, I dont know.." " I know he loves the way i put it on him… Well I think he does…He is usually knocked out after the first round… uggghhh I DONT KNOW"…. But trapping a guy to keep him… nah… POP UPS? NEVER WILL I EVER! That doesnt even sit well with me… You should always respect a person space. ALWAYS!

  14. Disclaimers notwithstanding, this is a remix of “this is why you’re single”. Men often give relationship advice with the expressed intent to be helpful. But there is often a thorn in that rose. It’s disguised as “harsh truth” “tough love”. You may even intend it that way. But here’s what ive seen from men who give “harsh truths” to women. There is slightest whiff of glee at the notion that there are insecure women with hopes about a man that you may have just crushed. I smell it and I’ve gotten used to the smell of it. You deny it. But you took a short sabbatical from relationship posts and came roaring back with “stupid b!tch, this is why no one wants your azz”. Wonder why. It’s a mystery. Ima be Sherlock Holmes.

    See, bloggers like you are usually shielded by a female audience that is primed to receive discouraging words about their worth and love prospects. They’ve bought into the notion that if a man is telling you the reason you don’t have love is you and the things you do, everything he says Is truth, gospel and comes from an altruistic place. So you can be as destructive as you want to those women and they will continue to eat it up and become more and more insecure. Kinda like a cycle of abuse.

    Why would a man do this? Hmm, I dont know, but it seems like the men who are most anxious to give women “advice” about why nobody wants their azz all seem to have something in common. They have these stories of being the nice guy and having women ignore them, react them or put them in the friend zone. They sometimes let their guard down and quit acting like they have a ton of women and we get to see all the lingering rage they have about being rejected by women. Could they want revenge against these women who may, later in life, have a hard time finding a mate? Do they see it as justice and want to rub these ladies face in it? Tear them down to the level these men feel they got torn down?

    It would seem a very attractive proposition if one could get revenge on pretty women and have it look like they were doing them a favor. A public service, even. Hero.

    1. "But you took a short sabbatical from relationship posts and came roaring back with "stupid b!tch, this is why no one wants your azz". "


      Wild Cougar…. Girl I just cannot with you.


    2. …..geez.

      I wasn't even gonna comment today because I picked up on the harsh change of direction and I realized anyone emotionally invested in this blog would have had a really harsh reality check. I felt like a quiet bow out of things that don't apply to me would be the respectful thing to do. This comment though? I kinda thought the change of pace/direction was rather harsh. Yesterday was a really cordial atmosphere and moved more towards the maturity arena and had the discussion I yearn for on really, any website I frequent. It seemed like a group effort to move towards bettering ourselves. And then today it just felt cold. I haven't decided if these guys are trustworthy yet but I do think they have good intentions; though, I will say they could equally post things like…the black male perspective on black men vs. the black male perspective on what women do wrong.

      1. I don't think they're purposefully nefarious and women wanna hear truths about themselves and if the truth makes them insecure that's on them to deal with; I do think they could be a little more honest to themselves about themselves though because the combination of today's posts was rather insulting. Like…"we date women and this is what the desperate ones do but for the chill ones this is how you treat 'em this summer'. That's not a fault. Or a shot. That's simply reality. From a black man. Could he go 'stop dating women you won't commit to and this is how we grow up'….Yeah. But this isn't a site that charges a fee to put men in their place. This is a site where black men freely provide the honesty of their lifestyles. If women don't like it…stop reading lol. "Dr. J keeps slapping me!" ……Why are you coming back to be slapped though?

        1. ….because he's telling the truth.

          Which is why Slim said. "Stop knocking this website. WE put in the work to help people." Maybe people with suggestions on how it's run should volunteer the time it takes to maintain the site and its readership. Not saying some of your points aren't valid I'm just saying, women come here for a reason and I'm starting to feel the guys probably do guy stuff and this is where they advice women to stop falling for it. …Even though in the same breath they advice men to be mad cheap…

          lmao. *smh with a side eye.*

        2. Oh yeah!! I forgot about that one. Well, I like those kinda posts.

          and I like the ones dealing with stuff we're all facing making the transition into major life decisions (only because I'm completely biased because I've never dated before but lets pretend that's not the case). I like hearing you guys reflect on yourselves it gets rather old hearing men bashing and excuse making so those sort of posts are nice cuz they're inclusive of all types of people. We ALL can chime in honestly on buying a home and politics and career advancement discussions as opposed to the focus being on trying to convince women they make mistakes or hating on the guys who point that out. *shrug* Just my two cents. As a reader those things make this blog feel good and I think it promotes genuine growth and development in the readership, not that I'm knocking the site or anything like that. I just like the atmosphere posts of that nature promote.

        3. Well, if you're talking to ME that's precisely what I'm saying.

          The thing about women is you have to say the same thing 10-15 times before we decide the way you said it is acceptable and then we have to pretend to not get the point you're trying to make — which is circuitous and boring and stagnates the advancement of the site — and the thing about having an 80-85% women readership is that if you have to point out the problem, deal with the problem, provide the solution AND repeat each chunk of advice several times over….that's 10-15 articles = weeks upon weeks of relationship oriented things. And that SIGNIFICANTLY shifts the focus away from what the person who runs the blogs wants it to be about. I'm gonna assume it's Slim. So yeah. Just stop. and regroup. Then write about the things you guys ACTUALLY wanna be writing about.

          Your readership will change and those who stay will grow out of the habits/behaviors/mannerisms/thought process you're advicing them on AND the focus is redirected to what the site owner/runner/HNIC envisions it to be.

        4. "And that SIGNIFICANTLY shifts the focus away from what the person who runs the blogs wants it to be about. I'm gonna assume it's Slim. So yeah. Just stop. and regroup. Then write about the things you guys ACTUALLY wanna be writing about."

          Excuse me….

          How do you know what the inner workings of the site are about? How do you know that we don't write about what we want to write about? This is beyond comical to me.

          We are the source of the black male perspective. Like other writers have said, this STARTED as a relationship blog (actually it started as a personal blog, but Im chillin) and has EVOLVED into what it is today. We write about all topics from our 6+ different perspectives.

          What we COMMENT on is how when we do write about OTHER things, the readership who makes comments like yourself tend to have selective amnesia. I've personally written articles directed towards men, away from relationships, and the like. Others have too.

          Irony: The "have you read this" suggested blog at the bottom of this post is "Everybody doesnt need a degree to succeed" a non relationship post. an educational post. Im Chillin once again
          My recent post #BeTheBetter Fitness Log: Entry 4

        5. lol. If you're really asking how I knew all that I don't know. I've always been that way I was born with a third eye for people and part of it comes from observation techniques learned throughout the years of being a quiet, introverted 'do everything alone' kind of person. I have to assess situations with little to no guidance and I got rather adept at the skill. In this case I just skimmed a bunch of articles in the archives and it gave me a picture of the site…and then I filtered it through what I do for a living and then it just came out that way. I'm sorry if I made you guys uncomfortable. I can't really help it. I pick up on stuff easily and it starts to stress me out if I don't say anything. A lot of women in my family are like that I think it's like a nurturing thing.

  15. Great Post J.

    That list is comical. Now as far as me honestly I am guilty of gift giving, I don't see anything wrong with that since I was always on the receiving end of gifts in the beginning as well. I don't open my purse until he has opened his wallet.

    Trapping a man, still tho??!!!…. I thought that went out with chinese slippers, women are still out here trying to trap a ninja in 2012?!!!?? Nah, I can't believe it. Besides is that man REALLYYYY that oblivious and clueless to whatever traps that woman is trying to set out for him, Yeah Okay. o__O

  16. As far as gifts, I don't see a thing wrong with treating a man you care for with nice things…. Paying Rent tho? CHILL! ( in the freezer if need be). I might treat him to dinner (made by me or a nice restaurant), or even a video game… All MADDEN Everything! But…. I am not paying a mans bills. Don't get me wrong if we are TOGETHER… like TOGETHER TOGETHER and things are rough… of course i will be your BONNIE, Clyde! But, it's not to keep you… it's to show you when things get rough… I got'chu boo. I feel like people turn being genuinely nice or " ride or Die" for being desperate. I KNOW females who will trap a guy with a kid or legal ties and for WHAT? Just to keep someone that doesn't want them? I just don't see myself trying to CONVINCE someone to want me.

  17. #8 is hilarious, and I am inclined to agree. Maybe it's a subconscious thing that's why the women who have dogs don't realize that's why they got them!! lol

    Sometimes I've WANTED to do #9, but I just wasn't able to. Basically, I'd be changing who I am to accommodate some dude?? Nah I can't, not unless he's really worth it. I think this is similar to the feeling that men get when they meet the One. They always say she makes him want to be a better man. The right guy can definitely inspire me to want to change. But, honestly I don't see anything wrong with that. As long as I'm not losing myself, change is good!
    My recent post Sparing the Rod: Lessons From Our Fathers

  18. If i had a girl that did all this stuff on the list i wouldn't leave her, ya'll should take notes and settle for me, be submissive and buy me a rottweiler. Don't trap me tho cuz that wont work, the rest of the list is cool tho…

  19. Bottom line, if you don’t like the site, don’t visit and if you think you can run a better website, then do it. Let’s quit with the complaining and stick to the subject. If it doesn’t apply, good for you. If it does, work on it. But this post is as honest as it gets.

    1. +1

      But I think the guys should be more open to suggestions since they open themselves for comments. Like yesterday, someone said he wore sports socks with his suits so a female reader suggested an upgrade for him. I think a website run by bachelors could use a few good women going "hmmm…lets spruce this up just a tad bit and you're gold." win-win? Because like you say this is honest and from what I've read the guys are honest all the way around.

      1. They can open to suggestions indeed, but it doesn’t mean that will be acted upon, only considered. Your point is noted though, and as long as said suggestions don’t try to water down the things that make SBM what it is: a straight up honest approach with no filler viewpoint of what the various men think, then it’s all good I guess.

        1. Understood.

          *continues being a reader either way because other blogs are TOO wack*

      2. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you’d prefer the sbm staff, to be honest, except when it comes to to relationship, where they should temper their honesty and bluntness and be respectful of their readership base…?
        Am I off target?

        1. My point is the “this is why no one wants your azz” blog post is not honesty. It is one mans opinion. He has no idea what other men think. He knows what he and men who agree with him think. Many men don’t think that way and they don’t speak up. There seems to be pressure to push the party line. Men don’t have feelings. Men are winning. Men can get women whenever they want. Women are desperate for a man and are doing all the wrong things. Women are losing. This is not the truth. This is a partial truth laced with self serving bullsh!t. Why? Maybe because its what hurt men like to write, read and as long as it is couched as truth, women will take it.

        2. Me? I think the SBM staff should stop writing towards their audience as if walking on eggshells is necessary after years of advicing women on their love lives. But this isn't the loveboat. Nor is it a place for men to coddle women about things they already know.

          This has nothing to do with the post…and it isn't my place to say this. But….Slim sounds borderline pissy at the blogging world right now and it's not the first time I've heard multiple people of the staff sorta say something about what they're writing on and what they'd like to write on/get back to…..but the staff is clearly trying to be considerate of its readership.

          Alls I'm saying, whoever runs thi site has a vision for it and the staff likely has some sort of mutual agreement towards that direction aaaaaaand coddling the readership is what stands to make the SBM brand come off as a watered down romance novel. It comes off as a relationship blog that condescends to women and if it is in fact a relationship blog than Wild Cougar and Not Your Friend have 100% valid points. But. Those points are irrelevent because in all actuality the blog is about…

        3. All this advice in the comments about what we should be doing going forward, my temperament, how we should run shop, the brand. It all reminds me of a quote in a Chrysler 300 commercial that summarizes how I feel about this whole discussion:

          "On the way to the top, everyone's got advice for you..what you're doing wrong and how to do things they've never done themselves."

          Keep offering backhanded suggestions and unsolicited business opinions. We'll just keep moving toward our goals. I'm no longer entertaining this thread. Have a great weekend.

          My recent post Three Awesome Articles From This Week

        4. Oh okay. I'll try not to look down at you and point out obvious flaws. It's like watching a movie with an illogical plot line like "wtf is this cat doing walking towards that dark basement where businesses fail and never return from." It was effin up my reading experience I had to get it off my chest the isht was causing migraines. I just thought you'd wanna know. I won't even be condescending about it.

        5. ….But I WILL laugh at you with my colleagues from now on as opposed to believing this blog has potential. Because clearly. Genuine pointers are offensive.

        6. Considering the Facebook count on the banner went from under 1,000 to over 4,000 in about six to eight months, the site can't be too bad.

        7. Slim you know you wrong for calling people out like that, but there's nothin I can say when you telling the truth, carry on brotha

  20. "In fact, many of them are great women who do not see failure as an option. The best thing for them to do is to reevaluate their definition of failure. "

    This is an excellent point that is not touched on nearly enough. Desperate women are always portrayed as obnoxiously foolish, emotionally retarded and just messy – all of which may further the denial (for other women) who aren't any of those things, however they are, indeed, desperate. Also, the men they are desperate for are usually classic cases of awful like the no job having great pipe layer, or the super successful married and cheating man, etc. That is simply not always the case.

    Good post.

  21. Ok, here’s a challenge for you. You sent me to a post on how men make women feel insecure. Premise, again, is that women are insecure. And losing. How about a post on what women do to make men feel insecure? You would be an expert on that and you could advise women readers on how to stop doing that.

    What do you say? Hmm? I, for one, would respect your point of view and honesty if you did that. Or any post about men who are unhappy at love, why and how they can change that. Cause im sure plenty of your readers need to hear that. That would be some real honesty. Talk about your harsh truths and tough love. How bout that?

    1. I've been wondering about this too, on this site none of the men seem to be suffering from heart ache or a lost love, they've never had someone cheat on them (or if they had it didn't affect them) and are just generally winning in all areas of life. It seems they've never gotten hurt (save for WIM) or lost someone because of their own actions. So maybe a post on that (male vulnerability) would be refreshing.

      1. @Vee

        I know I can't respond to every inquiry or question someone has about our experiences on and off the site, but here are two posts I wrote a while ago dealing with the stuff you're talking about. Nearly every main author here has covered some aspect of an unpleasant situation.

        And with each of us having written something like this here or elsewhere, how many times are we supposed to cover it for folks that missed these posts because they started reading the site or our individual work at a later point in time?
        My recent post Three Awesome Articles From This Week

        1. Well that was refreshing! Nice to see its been done. I don't have a minimum number of times it would take for it to seem like the site doesn't weigh more heavily on the "stupid bitch, this is why no one wants your ass" side. But it does weigh more heavily on that side. I don't think anyone would honestly dispute that. I used to think it was helpful advice in the beginning. Not just your site, but the books, the magazine articles. Now I see it as cynical exploitation of the insecurities of black women for blog hits. And possibly, just possibly, a way to perpetrate the myth that all black men are winning and black women are losing. I've begun to observe the people who do this most often and with the harshest tone. They usually seem to have a bone to pick with women who rejected them. I'm Just saying….

  22. Hmm…1st I think the post is very good. I think the people who dislike it because they don't think SBM writers should be interpeting/commenting on female behaviors have poor reading comprehension skills. Why? Because even if Dr. J was off-base (which he isn't) it's clearly the male opinion—> male interpetation of certain female actions. We women DO lie to ourselves and then like to rationalize, reason or blame AND I'm not a gender hating woman

  23. I think this is a good article, very interesting, and I am not offended as a woman. I think at times people take sites such as this one way too seriously. The articles are based on opinions and experiences of the MEN who contribute to this site. I do think there is validity to the points in the article. To me when women act like this (and I have been guilty of one), it is due to not loving ourselves enough. We aren't honest with ourselves, don't know what we want, don't communicate well etc. When you KNOW who you are and what you want, and you're fine with that you won't act in desperation. Most of the acts listed are done out of desperation and fear, outside of the dog. I know some women who get dogs out of loneliness, but some love animals. I know I'm going to get me a big ol' Rotty and name him Killa, and bet not nan' nary (yes you read that right) negro say anything about it. I had one growing up and he died, and I miss him 🙁 Anyway, good post!

  24. Okay. I've been commenting on the comments, but lemme comment in general.

    Women who do this stuff NEED to step back for a minute. An hour? A day even…
    Ironically, the only thing I've done in the last little bit is buy a dog. Which I don't see as "keeping" a man. If anything, the 8 lb ball of fur is a man repeller. He hates any dude coming near me. The biggest c*ckblock move? Dude and I were sitting on the couch, he leaned in for a kiss, my dog did a superdog leap on to the back of the couch and stuck his head between our faces just before we made contact!

    I was so shocked I burst out laughing. Dude made it his mission to befriend my dog…and ask me out again.

    We became just friends, and I swear, he and the dog get along better than we do. He's even offered to babysit him if I need to travel.
    My recent post When Your Wingman Fails You…

  25. I always found the "Trap a man" one funny. I never get it. Im a firm believer in the fact that it takes two to tango. Unless she jacked you off and stole your sperm in the middle of the night, and turkey basted herself with it, then nigga….you aint get trapped. You had sex, and got her pregnant. Men seem to forget that despite the fact that sex feels good, its main purpose is reproduction. Forget a condom. forget plan B. WHY ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH A WOMAN YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH? I just wish you would call it what it is. A quick fuck that u feel u deserve for putting up with this girl for a few dates. ok. And on that note, you trapped yourself. Im a 25 yr old woman, no kids,single, just moved to NYC and loving it. I dont want kids but I also dont believe in abortions. I make sure NEVER to put myself in the predicament of having to choose between my career and my life….or the life of an unborn child. I dont ever wanna be in that boat. So I protect myself, but i have nobody BUT myself to blame if I made the choice to lay down with a man and participate in an act that could end up getting me pregnant. End of story.

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  27. My married boyfriend is a drug addict with herpes. He refuses to get divorced even though I've been dating him for over 7 months. When his wife found out she told me I could have him and I better have a good job to pay thousands of dollars a month for his drugs. He stays with his parents and they won't allow me to be on their property, I have been caught sneaking in and told to leave. I am 42 and he is 41. He isn't the first married guy I've dated.My friends tell me, I'm acting DESPERATE.

  28. I’m just now seeing this and find nothing in the post to be offensive. I once had a friend who DID buy a dog to get over a bunch of failed relationships and the one right before the dog purchase pushed her over the edge. I agree with Dr. J in that in the scenario in which a woman buys a dog to replace the longing she has for a man and maybe children is weird. When you want and are searching for companionship on a romantic level, nothing can replace that (NOTE: I said replace…not that you shouldn’t give dating a break and focus on other aspects of life). Sometimes I think we (women) become a little too focused on the search and forget that (if you want to be wifed up), being wifey will still only a portion of your life’s mission. Being a wife or a girlfriend isn’t and shouldn’t keep women from taking on and maintaining other roles as well.

    Admittedly, I did get a lil over-zealous over a “friend” and bought him a pair of Jordans. LMBO! However, to be fair, he was handing me loads of cash at the time, funding a few shopping sprees, AND spent just as much on me for the holidays. To date, things didn’t work out in the love department, but we are still GREAT friends and while I still have everything he gave me during the gift exchange season, he still talks about the shoes being the best/most comfortable pair of shoes he owns. lol ha ha ha ha ha During that time frame, I also did tell my single female friends he was off limits, BUT at the time, he and I weren’t sure on where our relationship would end up. It wasn’t until he made/expressed the definite decision not to move forward with a committed relationship that I released all claim, phone calls, texts, make out sessions, etc. Nunca. Done. He’s now just a homie, but no longer the homie, lover, friend. It was my first annnnnd my last relationship of that sort. Moving on.

    I think that, what one reader said, is the most applicable comment here. This post is mainly designed (in my female opinion) to get women to take a step back and analyze how our actions when we really want to be partnered, MAY come off to a man. Instead of being angry over the post, I encourage readers to use the insight to your advantage and if none of it applies…seriously…let it roll off. Meh.

    I think, that the reason why so many women are taking offense to this post guys (if you’re even still reading comments to this article anymore) is because there seems to be an increasing trend that when we women show any level of interest to a man (even the slightest!), even if he’s unsure about where things are going…men are VERY quick to make it seem like women are chasing them. You guys may not realize it, but it’s true and that really really hurts us as a gender. Here we are simply having interest and wanting to take the time to explore potential; and automatically we are being painted as desperate women who are capable of the above acts, even though we aren’t even close to that state of mind. I admit that for a while in my dating, I was taking great pains not to be labeled as such a woman, because that’s all I was hearing from men…how desperate some OTHER woman was in her present or previous pursuit of him and blah blah blah blah blah. Then I came to realize…hold up…it takes two to tango. These women can’t be acting all that desperate over nothing. Men are doing a great job these days of leading women on, forgetting that it’s in our nature to trust as well as nurture. We are not men and so we don’t catch on to the fact, right upfront, that alot of what’s going on is pre-game BS. If other men could hear the things that men tell us right away when we meet them, YOU’D probably begin to wonder what it is women see in men, period. lol Please do not forget that while you guys as men don’t want have the pressure placed on you to be super heroes, we as women are just that…women. lol Men actually are the ones who have most of the power these days to make this world a kinder, gentler place. That’s just my four cents. Toodles!

  29. The “buying a dog” thing is sooooo NOT TRUE! There is NOTHING wrong if a woman wants a pet. Puppies, kittens, rabbits,… whatever- owning a pet actually LENGTHENS a person’s life by relieving stress. Pets don’t betray you, they don’t complain, and they are loyal and loving. There’s nothing like a caring lick on the cheek after a long day at
    the job. So it’s okay when a guy buys or adopts a pit bull, but when a woman gets a dog she’s “clingy”?! Who the hell thought of that? To the writer of this article: MAYBE THE WOMAN SIMPLY LOVES ANIMALS. Take that one out because its bullcrap.

  30. As a woman, I hate to say I agree with the dog thing. A friend of mine tries SO hard to be something she's not and people can see right through it. Her desperation is palpable and I think she's given up hope. My boyfriend said her ingratiating behavior is off-putting to men and once she got a dog that sealed her fate as a "lonely dog lady".

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