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In Case You Missed It: Are Modern Men Too Lazy to Court?

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Are we going out or what?! I emailed and sent a text.

The digital age. What a great time to be alive. Everything has gotten faster, smaller, easier but in some aspects, have things gotten too easy? In this instance, I’m referring to dating, especially when it comes to men courting women. I had an interesting revelation the other day but I’ll get to that in a minute.

I don’t know about you but lately I’ve had entire relationships reduced to nothing more than text messages. Ok, that’s a little extreme. Let’s say these relationships were predominately reduced to text messages. Dates where scheduled, meet-ups planned, sex incurred, all without any significant amount of oral. No pun intended.

I did a little math formula on Twitter to illustrate this conundrum. I have an unlimited text plan. I believe it cost around $20. For ease, let’s say I send 1,000 text messages a month. That means I’m paying roughly $.02 per text. Therefore, I pay $1 for every 50 texts sent. While I don’t know the exact statistics, I can assure you I have de-thonged women in less than 50 texts before. Does that mean women are giving up sex for less than $1 in 2011? Hmmm. Either way, as an article that I linked to in a prior write-up stated, “sex is clearly cheap for men” – and it appears women suffer disproportionately as a result.

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If you would have told me in college there would come a time when women would have sex with you for nothing more than a few clever text messages sprinkled with strategically placed emoticons :-), then I would have called you a crazy person. Times have changed. Slowly but surely, I’ve gotten lazier and lazier and didn’t even realize it. Suddenly, texts are my primary means of communication.

In High School I would call 2 – 3 times before giving up. In college, I’d call 1 – 3 times and leave a voice mail. Presently, I’ll call once, maybe. I sure as hell don’t leave voicemails (I’m not even sure my own voicemail is set up), and I MIGHT follow-up with a text message or two. My theory is the phone works both ways. If a woman doesn’t call or text back, I assume she’s not that interested and quickly move on with life. What is the residual effect of all this?

Let’s get back to my revelation. I was telling my friend about this girl I ‘really liked’ but I didn’t think it was going to work out because I was tired of chasing her. My friend asked me to explain what I did before giving up. I told her that I called once or twice and sent one or two text messages. There was a brief silence – and I’ll spare you the profanity laced details – but basically, she cursed me out and in so many words called me a lazy bastard. I couldn’t get upset because she was right.

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You see, over the years I’ve become so spoiled by all these various forms of communication that even when confronted by a woman I really liked I considered a couple phone calls and a few text messages sufficient enough to demonstrate my interest. That is sad.

I’ll attempt to explain this further without sounding too cocky, but it is what it is. I feel like the kid that did well in school but never studied. I have always done well with women without ever trying particularly hard. Now I’m in a transitional phase. I’m trying to get into the “ivy league” school; serious relationships with more substance and long-term sustainability than those I’ve entered into before. However, since I never learned to study, it has at times proven difficult and required more effort than I’m accustom to. Sure, I could continue with my familiar habits but they may not result in an acceptance letter: e.g. a serious relationship vs. additional superficial relationships. As women are all to eager to remind me, “nothing worth having comes easy.”

So readers, in your opinion does all this technology hamper establishing healthy relationships? Can you connect equally through text, Gchat, Facebook or other as much or more so than over the phone or face to face? It’s a known fact that men and women interpret communication differently but do you consider it sufficient communication regardless of the medium used?  Do these various communications expedite serious and sustainable relationships or hinder them? To both the men and women, does technology make men lazy in courting/dating/and the pursuit and/or expectation of sex? Or are both parties equally liable in establishing the “value” of sex?

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WisdomIsMisery

Admin Note: This article was originally published in April of 2011. With so many new readers in the mix today, we want to make sure we share some of the “oldies but goldies” with you. Now on with the discussion!

 

Comment(37)

  1. Yes. I am guilty of being lazy. After a text or two I see no need to be a pest. I remember the days of courting and talking on a landline. In my last relationship*that ended in a text, I had no choice* I realized there was no courting. The conversations were good at first but after the honeymoon phase 2nd month the conversations got shorter and the texting was key for communicating. I realized then I was to lazy to even consider asking for more in terms of communicating and ended the relationship with him and my cell phone. I have since gotten a landline but use a cheap cell phone that doesnt have all the camera functions. My landline will be my main source of communication. Let's see how this works out.

      1. After I told him we needed to talk. He started avoiding my calls. Telling me he will call me back. This was for two weeks. So I just sent a text. When I need to get something off my chest I will do it by any means necessary especially if I'm trying to do the right thing.

  2. I think that technology can hinder relationships with people, but also help them as well it just depends on how you use it. Nowadays we can use technology for all sorts of things like skyping, FaceTime, etc., and we can build relationships with people in real time that live thousands of miles away. However, we can also use this fascinating technology to allow us to reduce communication to text messages. There is absolutely no way that reading a text message can substitute for hearing someone's voice and laughter. Video chatting can never quite take the place of feeling someone's touch or being able to hug or kiss or smell another human being. Therefore, when it comes to the delicate stages of getting to know someone and building a real relationship with them I feel that, yes, technology does hinder that and people should get to know one another in person.
    Moreover, technology does make men lazy because many of them feel that since technology has made contacting people easier that it also has made COMMUNICATING with people easier as well, and it hasn't. A man can never truly get to gauge a woman's personality without hearing her tone of voice, what makes her excited or angry, and just being around her, period. Men need to step up, and us women are not at fault either because the reason so many men feel that things like having text based convos are okay is because women keep making them think it is okay.

  3. Simply put, no. Men aren't too lazy to court. It's just that you don't court everybody and that courting is supposed to have the intent of marriage. So unless you are trying to marry ever woman you go out with…

    Now as far as being lazy overall goes…men like feedback. If you were giving someone attention and got no message as to if it is looked at some point you will say f it. Everyone wants to feel appreciated.

  4. So, USING THE MOST EFFECTIVE OR FASTEST strategy to get what I want (SEX or RELATIONSHIP) now makes me lazy. It's like saying "You're lazy for using Twitter to COMMUNICATE to your fans".
    Guess what? It is actually LAZY to communicate with people via twitter. But COMMUNICATION is not what you're trying to do! You're trying to reach and get fans. The most fans you can get! If getting fans is what you want, you are very smart to use twitter. However, if communicating to the people is what you want to do, using Twitter is lazy way to pass a message.
    Now, let's get to my point. If going out on dates, blah blah blah on the phone, and doing those good guys sh*t are what you want to do with your girl, using text messages to do so is REALLY LAZY. But apparently this is not what you want to do. You want to get a girl and you want to get her fast and see how things work out later. If that is what you're trying to do, using text messages is a really smartest most effective way to get it. It works like magic!
    I want a girl. There are a lot of 'hem to screen before I chose just one and it takes time and money. So I am not LAZY. I am simply being SMART!

  5. Wis, those text aren't necessarily what helped you "de-thong" women. It's what you did when you were with those women that obviously felt good to them and they wanted a nut just like you did. Women are just as sexual as men and do love sex as much as men and want it just as much as men, contrary to popular belief. The difference with women is that unlike me, they need and want a good reason to sleep with a man. They don't just have sex just to have it. Also women need to know that your the only one she is sexing and if you make her feel like that, or at the very least that she has a good chance of becoming the only one, then your "in like flynn."
    Simply put , people do exactly what they want to do, and what they don't want to do they don't do and nowadays they don't apologize for it, they simply say, "this is me, take it or leave it."
    So if a man is not courting certain women then imo typically that means she is just a "smash-piece" no more, no less. He's not courting her because he doesn't want to. She is an fwb or jump-off or whatever. One other reason is because he doesn't want to make time to get serious with any woman and hasn't yet met a woman to make him want to sacrifice his time. This man is busy. He has a demanding career and very active social life. He truly doesn't have much time to take women out all the time and they don't have g/f status, so he doesn't include them too heavily in his social life, so a courtin he won't do. I know a man like this who is a politician. He said that he's met some great women, but not great enough that he will sacrifice political obligations or take time off work for them all the time. Some men are true workaholics and they put their job before most everything else and hardly ever take vacations and days off. Their work is a main priority for them, not a serious relationship.
    I think for the most part once a man finds a woman he is really that into and feels she is worth it and he truly loves spending time with her then he will, if he doesn't he won't. Will he still smash women who are giving it up, definitely. What he won't do though is go all out unless he wants to, or unless there is some major motivation to do so, like some serious Kelly Rowland type "Motivation."

  6. *shrug*

    My personal experiences…

    Guy A: Will you marry me?
    Guy B: I'm going to get you all new everything, we leave in ! fifteen minutes ! to go shopping. I shall take you to my country and you will have my babies *makes phonecall*.
    Guy C: I'm being groomed to run my father's steel company. I'm ready to make a woman my wife. You're adorable so you need to meet my father immediately so that we can be married.
    Guys D-G: I have a really nice place; I'll take care of you. Hey, it's okay I'm just tryna be nice.
    Bestie: Let me wash your hair. Let me serve you dinner. No…I'm not gonna eat I'm waiting for you to have your fill. Yes. I AM singing you a love song in front of everyone. Why yes. I AM talking to you during the game. Please, be hyper emotional while I sigh and call you gorgeous. It's okay my little one, let yourself go.

    1. Now, I'm gonna go ahead and say men aren't too lazy to court, just based off personal experience. However….

      Bestie: You're a b*tch though. Go interact with normal people while I get everything together…

      …I'm tempted to call him lazy. Mainly because it's been *looks at watch* three months and I'm clearly fiending, so where is the wow factor??? We can't just do it. We have to have a home and our room has to be coordinated and the floor has to be swept and my clothes have to be nice and my body has to be healthy and the lawn needs to be green and the sun has to set in a way that blends the hues how I like them. Three months is more than enough time to cover…twenty thousand dollars in prerequisites. Lazy jerk. But you know, I thought I wanted someone else. I just needed to validate he'll do his best to make me happy because he loves me.

  7. Fella’s is it just my pc or is something up with this this post….????
    It appears to be formatted differently.

  8. I’m guilty of being lazy but i think for me and women in my age range they see no issue, some women who are older or more old fashioned feel some type of way if i text them at 5 to go out at 7 or if I miss their call and text them back. I think technology is a convenient excuse honestly, a man will put forth as much effort as he feels necessary in regards to courting

    1. "A man will put forth as much effort as he feels necessary in regards to courting" <–This. It's really that simple.

  9. I think courting levels depend on how into or how interested the guy is in the woman. I notice with a lot of my guy friends if they are really trying to get to know a woman, talking on the phone and going out on dates is no issue. For the women that their just entertaining for the time being, they don’t put as much weight on getting to know them, and for the most part the women don’t make a fuse to them about it/they willingly accept it.
    When courting I feel texting should only be used for short, brief subjects for example, a midday “how is your day going” text is fine or if you’re trying to confirm plans with me it’s cool. But if you’re trying to really get to know me “life story” type conversations or anything else then phone calls are necessary.
    I think if lazy courting bothers you, make it a standard for yourself that you will not deal with a man who can’t make the effort. It will save you time. Instead of trying to change or wine/complain about the man who only texts or never takes you on a real date, drop him and deal with a man who can make that effort.

  10. I think courting levels depend on how into or how interested the guy is in the woman. I notice with a lot of my guy friends if they are really trying to get to know a woman, talking on the phone and going out on dates is no issue. For the women that their just entertaining for the time being, they don’t put as much weight on getting to know them, and for the most part the women don’t make a fuse to them about it/they willingly accept it.
    When courting I feel texting should only be used for short, brief subjects for example, a midday “how is your day going” text is fine or if you’re trying to confirm plans with me it’s cool. But if you’re trying to really get to know me “life story” type conversations or anything else then phone calls are necessary.
    I think if lazy courting bothers you, make it a standard for yourself that you will not deal with a man who can’t make the effort. It will save you time. Instead of trying to change or wine/complain about the man who only texts or never takes you on a real date, drop him and deal with a man who can make that effort.

    1. "I think if lazy courting bothers you, make it a standard for yourself that you will not deal with a man who can’t make the effort."

      Really though. Set some standards for yourself. I dunno who said it the other day but it was something along the lines of 'it encourages men to choose their partners wisely when they're picking up the tab'. More or less. Clearly, the common sense thing to do is put your foot down. I don't even think women should be dating I really think on a scale on 100 to -100 you're at zero when you're willing to date and the more indepedent you are the farther you get from a genuinely good guy. Oh someone will pretend for you, but don't mistake it for love. Dude is on a completely self-absorbed personal journey and temporary fixes are a must. Stop going out with dudes who aren't expressly looking at you as a life partner or for marriage.

      1. Besides, I'm starting to think it isn't a matter of laziness. I really think most black men genuinely have no idea how to treat a woman and for that matter he probably isn't that impressive to begin with so even if he did attempt to court a woman she'd probably reject him so many times he'd stop doing it. and then they end up crying and with trust issues and there's always some low standard having woman waiting to catch his fall. If all women had standards men would probably be forced to work harder to be worthy. Thus, increasing the need to court.

        1. argh, It's not that most "black men" don't know how to treat women a certain way. Like several people here have said, men (in general, black, white, etc,) treat women the way we teach them to treat us. If we allow them to treat us a certain way from the beginning, we let them know it's alright. I DO NOT ALLOW MEN TO TEXT ME. IT DRIVES THEM CRAZY! Some of them hate it. Some never contact me. Some of them laugh about it, then pick up the phone and call me. It's not that I'm Halle Berry or so special or extra pretty. I'm average looking, but let me tell you that since I've started having boundaries around dating and what I expect from men, (my dates pick me up, they call not text, they call in advance most of the time, etc) I get treated with so much respect. Oh, it helps that I now value sex as something sacred and special, unlike the way I did when I was 18 and clubbing back in the day. And it isn't just that I expect things from a man I date…I've changed what I bring to the table too. I think men should expect certain things from a woman (and I don't mean sex lol). I think alot of women have an attitude like "I'm a feminist, I don't cook for any man, but he can pay for my dinner," and that's wrong. Pick a side. If you want your man to pay for dates, than be prepared to show your submissive side once in awhile. Cook for him, pamper him, take care of him if he's taking care of you. Treat him like a king. Not because he pays for dinner, but because you've got a good man, so do what it takes to make him feel special and let him know you appreciate him.

    2. "I think if lazy courting bothers you, make it a standard for yourself that you will not deal with a man who can’t make the effort. It will save you time. Instead of trying to change or wine/complain about the man who only texts or never takes you on a real date, drop him and deal with a man who can make that effort."

      Fin.

  11. This has been one of those things that has puzzled me as I re-enter the dating scene post-divorce. I think if you are really interested in getting to know someone you can't rely on text messaging or even phone calls. You have to spend time with that person face-to-face. So much is missed via email and messaging — body language, tone, expression etc.

    I have no problem with using those as ways to stay connected once a relationship is established.

  12. I will say men are much lazier. Texting is only one reason things have gone downhill. I have no idea if you have to LEARN how to put in more effort. My theory has always been that the effort comes naturally when it's someone you really like.

    For instance, I had a string of "sometimes" dudes, who were around sometimes, whenever they felt like it. I'd get a "hey lil mama" text around 8:17pm, asking if they could swing by around 10pm, they'd show up, etc. etc. They'd do and say enough while they were over at my place (NEVER theirs) to make me think something might evolve from this "mutually beneficial arrangement", but they were just stringing me along and I believed it because I wanted to. I let them and even legit exes get away with highway robbery (literal robbery in a couple cases, but that's a story for another day), and I rationalized away the bad and only focused on the good.

    But then I met my dude and it wasn't a struggle for him to see me all the time. We barely text or talk on the phone, because we spend so much time ACTUALLY TOGETHER. This was not something we had to DISCUSS or WORK OUT. We liked each other, REALLY liked each other, and he just started acting like that.

    So while I definitely HATE the lack of effort dudes put into women, it sends a clear signal if you're paying attention. No need to LEARN how to put in more effort if it's not sincere.

  13. I met a "man" at a grocery store (small city and had seen him there more than once). We exchanged numbers the second time. He proceeded to text me that evening, and I answered two, and then fell off for the evening. Two days later, I got another text from saying some form of "hello" then he proceeded to ask me life questions. I told him if he would like to know, set up a face-to-face meeting or at least a phone call. Did not hear from him that day. He text messaged again a couple more times, and I would just respond with "………"

  14. Thanks so much for writing this article. I think the value of sex has diminished for a number of reasons. In the race for equality, women use their bodies as a way to declare themselves liberated and free of traditional views and values for women. Some of that is good, a lot of that is bad. Women have been conditioned to believe that their bodies are not valuable and consequently give it away based on a pleasant text or flirty email. All of this, in addition to the imbalance of women to men on campuses has made men very lazy. Why work for it when you get can it for free online? Why try hard with one girl when there is a line of them eager, ready and waiting? I appreciate that you see your own laziness in this. Perhaps by you correcting it yourself, you will inspire others to do the same. I really miss chivalry.

  15. I don’t think men are too lazy to court these days. Courting has changed. My parents met as teens and were married and patents by 21. At best it too 5-6 years from day one. No one does that these days. So courting is like marriage delayed. As for texting, well I’ve called women left a message got zilch. Can’t blame me for texting them after that. I’ve done this (call first) for dates and small talk. Not only dont these women call back they act as if was no thing to blow me off. Obviously I can’t court a woman who can’t return calls. Face it (some) women have debunked a lot of myths and rules we all thougt were etched in stone.

  16. The easiest answer is to say "he's just not that into you", but as WIM has indicated, he was into the woman, he was just conditioned not to put in effort into getting the woman. He became a man who would rather lose a good woman than pursue harder than he felt was necessary.

    Its simple as to say if he really wants you, he will go after you. But I don't think its that simple. I also don't think its really true that all, most or even a minority of men are getting the panties for a few texts on a regular basis. Sure, it happens a few times, but not enough to condition a man to expect it from every women. Most men out there are on that DDS (dry dick struggle) most of the time. So that story about it was easy before just doesn't fly. You had a couple of winning streaks and you're riding on that.

    Here's another fly in the ice cream. Even when a man knows he wants the panties and is pretty sure he's gonna get the panties, with a little effort, he won't put in the effort. I've tested and proved that time and time again. Men who expressed an interest in getting naked, I've told them we're gonna do the deed and they won't even do the minimum amount of communicating to make it happen. So I'm calling bs on the not enough desire rationale. And the too easy story too.

    Here's what it is. He's afraid to look thirsty or like a simp. Simp fear and thirst fear is real on these streets. Looking thirsty, pressed or like a simp is about the worst thing that can happen to a black man, nowadays. He would rather give up the panties, the chance to be with a great girl than look like he's trying too hard.
    How much is trying too hard?

    Welp, in the case of someone who already told him he was gonna get the goods, a conversation is too much. A few drinks is too much. Hell, more than three words in a text is too much. They must feel that they are not putting in effort, or they will look like a simp, a fool, a loser, thirsty, pressed. Because their boys might clown them. Or much worse, that woman might clown them to other people. And that is worse than DDS.

    Dumb, but true.
    My recent post 5 Reasons You Should Think Twice About Getting Married

  17. Good post wild cougar. In my personal opinion. Woman really just make it to easy for a young brotha these days. Now mind you i am only 22 and just graduated from college. But i don't really have to put in much effort at all. I stick to text messages and the rare phone call, further then that i would look to thirsty!! An thats the last thing i will ever be is a thirsty, simp, negro chasing after a young broad.

  18. Technology only hampers establishing a healthy relationship when you’re trying to date someone who prefers a different style of communication than you. Communication style questions should be asked when you first meet people, it can save you a lot of grief. Find your communication match. The effectiveness of communication depends on the medium the person feels comfortable with. So, you can’t call someone “lazy” bc of their preference.

  19. Nothing is like it USED to be. Women are not like they used to be….why expect men to be like they used to be? Seriously? With all the technology that makes our life easier, why wouldn't use of cell texts be considered as PART OF [but NOT ALL of] communication? Basically, men uses what works on women… that doesn't make men lazy, it makes them smart as they are getting what they want. Men do what they have to do to get what they want.

  20. I wouldn't necessarily call it "lazy"…it's just that there are more available options to those who don't desire to do so, necessarily; and, that's usually only considered "laziness" by those that desire to have the opposite happen, right*lol*…???

    Women have way more opportunity, than their sisters in the past had; and, I'm pretty-sure that most enjoy the fruits of societal-progress, as opposed to desiring to be considered a kitchen fixture, who remains pregnant, docile, and "unequal"…times change, in my humble estimation…

  21. ” However, since I never learned to study, it has at times proven difficult and required more effort than I’m accustom to.”

    Sounds like the nursing school of dating lol. Nevertheless, I wish you well in your endeavors. And much like nursing school, the more effort you put into “studying” the more successful you will be in the end. Choos wisely, and your efforts will be well worth it.

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