Home Dating & Relationships Dating A Lesson From Big Brother: Why He Should Want What You Want

A Lesson From Big Brother: Why He Should Want What You Want

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By Maya Francis

I have an older brother. He is 17 years older than me, stands at a confident 6’1″, and is witty, charming, and handsome. The problem is that he knows it, and for most of his life, women have catered to his whims and his ego on more occasions than I can stand to count. I hung out with my brother the other day, a seldom occurrence, at his apartment. It is meticulous in its cleanliness, and has a particular warmth and style to it, particularly for a man who lives alone. A comforting smell of lavender draped the room from a series of burning candles. The Isley Brothers beckoned from his bedroom.

“You want me to be your boyfriend and I’m trying to be your friend. Stop making me the f*cking bad guy,” he spewed in his cell phone. Despite the peaceful ambiance, these conversations are not unusual for my brother, who seems to attract a special breed of relentless woman, whose self-respect seems to teeter on the brink, if it even exists at all. “Stop trying to make me your f*cking boyfriend. I’m trying to be honest, but my truth seems f*cking hurtful to you.”

I laughed, knowing it wasn’t funny, but amused by how routine it had become. For years, I’ve watched him break them in, then break them down. There was the girl who he dated each holiday season for access to her Macy’s discount; the idiot who sat in the car on hot summer days while my brother visited my mom within the cool confined of the AC in our house; the one who took him back after I wrongfully identified her on the phone (“Oh, hey Cindy. I’ll tell him you called.” “Cindy?” she said incredulously. “No, Maya. This is Kenya. Have him call me.”)

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This is nothing new, and yet, it never gets old.

I got comfortable on the sofa while he continued to berate his non-girlfriend. “You can’t have a f*cking monopoly on my time. You want to be over here every day, and frankly, it doesn’t bother me that you haven’t been here in two days. I have other sh*t to do. I’m not your boyfriend. I keep telling you, you should find somebody to take you out. You should want to be with somebody who wants the same things that you do.”

And there it was. Despite the packaging and the delivery, my brother had said one of the more honest things I’d ever heard him – or any man like him – say to a woman who wanted too much from a man who had little to offer but hard d**k and a few jokes. Seeing that I’d gotten settled on the sofa, my brother ended the call with his lady friend abruptly, though she continued to plead with him via text throughout the two hours or so that I was there.

You should want to be with somebody who wants the same things that you do.

For the last week, I’ve heard myself repeat these words in my head. It’s a simple concept, really. And yet, we waste so much valuable, irreplaceable, expensive-ass time wanting someone (or some thing) that simply isn’t for us. Trying to fit square pegs into round holes so we feel like we’ve won. Like we’ve accomplished something. That we’re exceptional, because, despite the odds, we were able to make the impossible, possible.

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And what, really, is more impossible than trying to make some man with no expressed interest in a relationship, a monogamous, considerate, consistent, emotionally-available partner? What wars have been waged, what property, damaged, because some woman felt herself losing the battle, but sought to be victorious in the war? Who among us hasn’t transferred our substantive being into a vessel of resentment and vengeance at some point all because a man has remained steadfast in his resistance to our hopes that one day he may reach an epiphany?

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The truth is, this happens all the time. Some of you are sitting at your computers right.now. checking the timeline of some man who has already made it clear that he doesn’t want you like that. Yes, you there. maniacally checking for iMessages that never came. I’m talking about you. It makes little difference if you’re sleeping with him. He may make it a point to send you a smiley face in the morning, or ask about your weekend plans. But in the not-so-fine-print, the man has already meant what he said when you weren’t listening. You’ll never be his girlfriend. Especially if he’s enjoying the free ride he’s on now. Giddy up.

“When are you going to find a nice girl?” I asked my brother, thinking about the type of husband he could be if he wasn’t so… the way he is.

“I don’t want a nice girl,” he said with a laugh. “I like sluts.”

Let’s be clear – a man may sleep with a woman, and go out to different places with her, hell, they may even go on vacation together (I cannot tell you how many cruises this man has been on). But the scales won’t tip until he’s good and ready, if he ever is. My father taught me early on that the one who cares the least is in the most control. In my brother’s case (and other’s like it) the fact that he can take it or leave it exposes the pawn.

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You should want to be with somebody who wants the same things that you do.

This concept is a simple one that defies the logic of the best and the brightest. Including people in relationships. There are folks in relationships right now trying to “see what happens” hoping that their partner will wake up one day and miraculously be someone else. We’ve conditioned ourselves to believe that “relationships take work” to the point that in some cases, they’ve become a chore. Everyone has different deal breakers, so I won’t be as bold to make a declaration across the board, but I do think that although relationships take work, they’re not supposed to be hard. I don’t believe in a labor of love. The minute you’re convincing someone to like you, or treat you well, or want the things you want, is the minute you’ve run out of time.

Twitter has exposed me to the reality that there are a vast amount of people who are wasting time negotiating things in their personal lives, which, to me, is probably one of the more stupid things I think one can decide to do. As I see it, one’s personal life, is, in fact, personal. Relating to the self. Controllable, for the most part. As such, I try to keep my personal life simple and balanced. I save the stress for work-related things where other people’s opinions matter. If I want something and it doesn’t work, I move on. Condition myself to want something or someone else. Focus on the attainable. Maximize my time. Assure my emotional stability. “Crazy” women are born from their inability push forward in a direction to where they are loved. Not liked. Not flirted with. Loved. Cared for. Respected.

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Lastly, I am, by no means, suggesting that everyone should be in a relationship. I’m not saying that’s what everyone should want. Nor am I absolving my brother from his ongoing abhorrent behavior (a post for another day, I’m sure.) If you want sex, seek it with someone else who wants it under the same terms. If you want a relationship, seek it with someone who wants to relate to you. Casual sex, is, in fact just that. Functional relationships require two people. You should want to be with somebody who wants the same things that you do. Whatever those “things” may be, seek them. But don’t be the pawn.

Originally posted here.

Maya K. Francis is a writer, publicist, marketing consultant, and graduate of University of Maryland’s top-ranked Philip Merrill College of Journalism. She also holds a master’s degree from the University of Pennsylvania. Since launching her blog in 2008, Francis has offered readers an opportunity to journey with her through her adventures, realizations and missteps in her professional and personal life. Her biting and insightful commentary on pop culture, race, politics, gender, and sexuality has been featured in The Philadelphia Inquirer and digital publications including Ebony.com, The Root, XXL, and Clutch Magazine. For more, visit her blog or follow her on Twitter.

Admin Note: As you’ve probably noticed, we’re increasing the diversity of our content and highlighting perspective that we think you will find interesting (and well-written). Today’s guest post is just one example of that. More to come as we move forward! -Slim

Comment(106)

  1. Great post. Welcome Maya.
    Your post proves something I've been saying for a long time now. The basic reason why many people are single, (the unmarried and not in a romantic relationship type of single) is simply because of this. The people we want don't want us, and the people who want us, we don't want them.

    1. So true Bree. There is some guy out there who would treat the girl maya's brother is casting off like a queen, but she don't want him. And if and when she ever sees the light and tries to come back to the other dude, it will be too late. I've seen this happen time and again with friends, cousins, and sorors. Good men arent hard to find ladies, once we stop chasing *ssholes. (happily married 12 years). Give someone a try who wants you for you and let your happiness come!

      1. "Good men arent hard to find ladies, once we stop chasing *ssholes. (happily married 12 years). Give someone a try who wants you for you and let your happiness come!"

        Exactly Sam….cosign

      2. Define a good man please. Ugly or broke men can be just as shady as goodlooking and successful men. A lot of times people just say this *ish and mean to lower your standards but I think women who find themselves in this situation have standards that are too low to begin with.

  2. There’s something about men actually telling the truth and the women not believing Them that baffles me. Like he said “this is what I’m willin to offer take it or leave it” and shes still fighting in a no negotiation zone. While I think your brother was a little harsh, he kept it funky lol Im sure that woman is still fighting for a spot in his roster, even though she wants to be the one and only.

    (Not negating the fact that their are some men who lie). Great post though. I never understood why some women chase after men who clearly state they don’t want relationships. It’s almost like They want to work hard to change the guys mind and make him want her. Life is too short to be chasing after someone who doesn’t want you. One question, I like your brothers honesty but just to make it clear did he mention his non-interest in a relationship prior to them becoming involved sexually, like first or second date did he say ” I’m not looking for a relationship/something serious”

    1. Glad you enjoyed the post. And I think your assessment of that my brother’s approach is “harsh” is a generous one.

      While I’m not privy to the actual conversations he has during the initial stages of a relationship, I think it’s a safe assumption that most women know my brother’s angle. He enjoys the company of women – he goes on cruises with them; they’ve gone to plays. But for him, it’s something to do. A way to enjoy life. For them, I think, it’s indicative of a larger interest or commitment.

      And that’s where the disconnect starts. I can count on my hand the number of women who have even made it to title role of “girlfriend.” But no one’s ever getting past that. And he’s made that explicitly clear to all of us. In his heart of hearts, there have been a few for whom he has had a genuine affection. Especially those who he has known for a few years (though I find it interesting that chick he was on the phone with, he’s known since high school). But in those instances, he may act like he has some home training and toss them a couple dollars if they are in need. But even then, there’s no commitment being offered.

      It’s just each of them think that they can make him into someone different.

      It’s fascinating (if not amazing) to watch.

      1. Maya does your brother make it crytal clear to these women from the very beginning that he has no interest whatsoever in any type of committed relationship and/or marriage?

      2. @Maya I agree. I think the. Part of the Disconnect happens with some of these women because they are not use to being treated “nice”. I don’t think you should always equate nice treatment with “his readiness to committe to you” especially if he already stated that’s not what he’s looking for. Any man you deal with should treat you good/nice regardless of if it’s casual or committed. You shouldnt want to del with one that’s not. ( not saying all the casual situation ships have to involve Cruz’s but dates and being treated nicely should be the requirement for a any man you deal with)

      3. "But for him, it's something to do. A way to enjoy life. For them, I think, it's indicative of a larger interest or commitment."

        And there in lies the rub. Well stated. Simple truths.

  3. I really liked this post. It's something I struggle with all the time. It's like if you're a good guy, you don't have choices. I've always lost the right to not want to be someone's boyfriend. I've always felt pushed into spaces that I didn't want to be in by women who kept trying to tell me what I should want. I should want relationships with them. I should want to be committed to them. However, I would be clear that what I wanted was A, B and C and they didn't want that so they should stop talking to me. Then i'm left with the mess to pick up. I can't lie… I felt this post 100%. You should date someone who wants what you want and you should not put dudes in positions where they have to tell you to stop talking to them since you don't want the same things. I shouldn't have to dump someone, i'm not in a relationship with.

    And stop telling guys they broke your heart when they do this to you, they was just being honest with you. Women reject men all the time, we don't go around talking about…. "You broke my heart cause you wouldn't give me the number!"

    1. "Women reject men all the time, we don't go around talking about…. "You broke my heart cause you wouldn't give me the number!" Doc J those are 2 totally different things. More stuff women do revolve around their hearts. With many men it's about ego…..big difference. If everything revolved around your heart you just might feel that way.

      1. That doesn't make any sense. It's okay for women to reject men? Because they do it from the heart? Or it's not okay for men to reject women because they don't do it from the heart?

        If I don't want to be with her, then I don't have to be with her. End of story.

        1. I think Bree's saying that when a woman is rejected during a relationship (casual or no), because she's put her heart into it, when it ends, her heart breaks. But men only feel a bruise to their ego when they don't get a number, because their ego was the thing at risk, and not their heart.

          Now, I agree that's true in some cases. I don't agree that's always the case. I think rejection is awful for most people.

          I was having this conversation just the other day. Thinking that, if a dude is doing something, and it's working for him, but it's hurting other people, should he continue? Does he have a responsibility to carry himself in such a way that he's not harming others, or does only the success rate of his actions in terms of getting what he wants matter?

          I think it's UTILITY vs. INTEGRITY and though I'm all for integrity (which, for men, might mean less sex, they have no REASON, beyond their own integrity, not to take the UTILITY approach when dealing with women.

          Anyway, that aside, that's assuming the end game is a relationship. Because that's not the case for many men (and some women), that's a perspective I won't ever really understand.

        2. Well, that was a humorous example. Keep that in mind. I'd be lying to you, and most men, would be lying if they never told you about the ones they really wanted to get at, who wouldn't give them time a day.

          – How many times we dated a woman over time trying to get somewhere… spent good money on her… and she rejected us with "I just want to be friends."
          – How many times a woman just decided one day she wanted to re-up with another dude.
          – How many times she went back to her ex-boyfriend.

          Not saying all that happened to me, just saying it happens all the time. We're not allowed to wallow around complaining about our hearts. #aintnobodygottimeforthat She did what's best for her, i've got to be moving on.

        3. Dr. J:
          "- How many times we dated a woman over time trying to get somewhere… spent good money on her… and she rejected us with "I just want to be friends."
          – How many times a woman just decided one day she wanted to re-up with another dude.
          – How many times she went back to her ex-boyfriend."

          Pretty much what I was just getting ready to type. Contrary to popular belief, men do have feelings, they can be hurt, and sometimes we like a woman more than she likes us. It's not all about ego.

        4. We know men have feelings Hugh and Doc J. Moving on though is relative. It may be fairly easy for you and it may be damn near impossible for others. And some folks never really "move on," and that person has a part of their heart forever.
          I know your example was humorous Doc J. The difference I was referring to was in you being heart broken about not getting a womans number, compared to a woman being heart broken because she is in love with you and you don't feel the same way.

        5. To be honest, NO ONE really wants to hear ANYONE complain.

          I agree with you that men aren't emotionless. I do think they go to lengths to ACT like they don't feel anything, and that most people (including myself, on occasion), believe the facade rather than the part men aren't showing.

          And like I said, I don't think it's only ego that's getting bruised in all cases of rejection by women of men. I think sometimes it's a WOMAN's ego that gets hurt, even in a relationship. She thought she had a dude who looked great on paper and would go the distance, and now she's worried she looks like some woman who can't keep a man. Pride and feelings aren't exclusive to either sex. 🙂

        6. That's exactly what it boils down to: EGO, male and females are guilty of getting their egos bruised.

  4. I’ve always lost the right to not want to be someone’s boyfriend. I’ve always felt pushed into spaces that I didn’t want to be in by women who kept trying to tell me what I should want.

    +1

    I also imagine before the day is over someone will tell you if you don’t want anything serious, then you shouldn’t date, which makes equally less sense.

    1. HMMM…….

      I've actually been lucky enough to experience a TON of rejection in my life. Rejection along the lines of, "You deserve x, I'm offering y. I don't think we should talk like that anymore, but I'm not gonna stop you if you do". Me: "Ok, we're cool then, Imma take your advice and we won't talk like that anymore". OR Me: "I'm actually fine with y, I'll just let you know when I'm not. Deal? Cool."

      If a person shows you who they are, believe them, right?

      1. NOW, I have also experienced men that turned around and persued the H-E-L-L out of me after this conversation, leading me to believe that they had changed their minds, only to be met a few months later with the EXACT same convo. Like their ego could not handle NOT being needed or something. As frustrating as her brother's convo sounded, best believe he really wasn't all that upset about being 'chased'. He could very easily have turned his phone off. THAT is what drives women insane, and men as well. We all know the guy that still platonically cuddles at night with the girl who told him she wasn't attracted to him. Neither of them have business being in that bed together, but he won't give up and she likes the attention. We're all human.

        1. "As frustrating as her brother's convo sounded, best believe he really wasn't all that upset about being 'chased'. He could very easily have turned his phone off."

          THIS.RIGHT.HERE!

          At the end of the day, its a stroke to the ego. "This chick is sweatin me." If its that bothersome or annoying, you ain't even answering the phone or entertaining her in your space.

    2. Wis I don't think men or women should stop dating and enjoying each others company just because they don't want a relationship and/or marriage. People have every right to want what they want based on their own personal reasons. However know that it will put more on you to be honest and clearly and effectively communicate what you want and in many cases why. Especially men. Also know that the reality is you will deal with women who will fall in love with you if your a really good and loveable and very attractive man. It's kinda like having a gift and a curse – double edged sword type of thing.

      1. So as annoying as it may be you will also have to consistently remind women u deal with that you do not want a relationship with them and there is nothing they can say or do short of putting a "root" on you that will change your mind. This may have to be reiterated several times during your dealings with said woman. You can choose not to do any of this, but what typically happens is you have a lot of conversations and arguments with women you don't want to have like the one Maya's brother had with the woman. Those are just as nerve-wracking I'm sure. I guess you can go with whatever you deem the "lesser of two evils."

      2. "Also know that the reality is you will deal with women who will fall in love with you if your a really good and loveable and very attractive man."

        She love me, but thats her problem. – Juelz Santana

        I can't be held responsible for women who fall in love with a guy because he's a loveable guy. If i'm not leading her, that's her responsibility. I love the shit out of Rosa Acosta, but that don't mean I got any rights to her.

        1. That is not relevant to this conversation though. It would be if you were firmly planted in her friendzone, but there is a really big difference between unrequited feelings for a person you have never seen IRL vs unrequited feelings for someone you have gone out with, spent time with & cuddled with on the weekends, lol!

        2. That's exactly what I meant though Amaris. I firmly place people in the friend zone. I don't lead them on. If you're cuddling with, kissy face, having sex with, basically talking about the future, (Word, don't ever bring up the future with someone you aren't in a relationship with.) that's bad business. But trust, when I say casual dating, I mean just that. We hang out, we date, we get to know each other. I don't want you in my bed or my couch.

        3. Related-and-yet-not question; isn't breaching the topic OF a relationship discussing the future? How does anyone know anything then?
          But yeah, there are plenty of guys who appreciate boyfriend benefits without the complications of a title. They just give you enough rope to think there's a hope of a chance and revert to the "I told you I didn't want a relationship" when the girl's bottom lip gets all quivery because he just lovingly stroked her face for the 50-11th time. I know plenty, male and female, that will happily drain all your emotional juice and never refill the tank, simply because THEY needed a brief emotional connection-like recharge.
          We may just be discussing different things.

        4. The way you explained it in your comment above is how it should be Doc J. You obviously don't do this, and thats great; but many men (and yes women too) give Mixed Signals all the time. That is whats wrong. If you know somebody is feeling u and u don't feel the same way you should stop it before it starts. This is doing it the Right Way. Yeah u may not feel any obligation to say sh** and u can say all day long, "well thats his/her problem, not mine." But then you will more than likely be dealing with some "drama" because u mislead that person. Not you but a lot of guy friends I have do this all the time.

        5. Example – One guy friend of mine asked my opinion about taking a woman on vacation with him. He just didn't want to go alone. He has a ladyfriend who he's known a long time and she really likes him a lot and wants him to be her man. He probably smashed, but does not want to be with her the way she wants him to because he doesn't like her like that. He told me he asked her did she want to go, and of course she said yes. Over time during conversations he realized it wasn't the best idea to ask her to go on vacation with him. He started realizing more and more to her this was a "couples thing" and he just wanted some company. I told him as much as it may pain you and as pissed as she may be the Right thing to do is to apologize to her and tell her that you don't want her to go because you don't want to be in a relationship with her and realize it wouldn't be fair to take her on this trip and further mislead her. He told her and she was pissed but she got over it. She stopped speaking to him for a while, but I think they are cool now, not sure.

        6. And just like men shouldn't mislead women, I don't like when women mislead men either. I've told my girlfriends and cousins to their face when they wrong a guy. I've chewed them out for going on dates and allowing men to spend money on them knowing they did not want that man the way he wanted them. My family taught me to not take money or gifts from a man that I wasn't in a relationship with and didn't have any romantic feelings for and I never have.
          Either way you look at it there is right and there is wrong. When u Knowingly lead someone on for your own personal gain and selfish reasons it's wrong. And karma is real and truly a bit**. ijs.

  5. I’ve been in his situation and hers. The responsibility I felt when I was the one being pushed into a relationship was something it seems men get away with not feeling. They get praise for telling the truth. Women get called a ‘tease’ and other colorful names. I knew what I was getting–companionship when I wanted it. In exchange, I was giving him hope and making an ugly situation worse. I was also getting control. I had a choice to use that control to be emotionally abusive or walk far away. I’ve seen enough Investigation Discovery to know that walking away was the best thing.

    The strength of a person isn’t just in their telling the truth. It’s in them acting the truth in no uncertain terms. When I go to a store and find out they have nothing I want, save for some cool air on a hot day, I don’t have the sales person escort me around, finding my size in the latest fashions. I don’t waste their time or mine because I don’t want to deal with the results. In the store it’s a disappointed salesperson. In relationships, it’s a frustrated person calling, texting, and needing to ‘talk’. Naw. I pass.

    1. Exactly Ms. Smart……it can sometimes make more work for you if you don't want a relationship.You have to explain yourself and make it clear and ensure that the person fully understands this, and knows that you won't be changing your mind. I don't think it's so much that men don't feel any responsibility when in this situation; I think they feel like once they are honest with the woman, then thats that, he's done his part. I think many men feel like it's the womans problem if she keeps trying to pursue a relationship with him after he tells her thats not what he wants. I've had a man keep try to pursue me for more than what a wanted to give After I told them I didn't want a relationship. My thing is, "I've been straight with you and told you from the door what the deal was." If he wants to continue pursuing me knowing that I don't want him then thats his problem, not mine; I don't sweat it cause he will get over it.

      1. And if you continue to allow him to pursue you, then you are complicit in the whole ugliness of the situation. You have the power to not speak to him, not go out with him, and not 'insert whatever it is that you're doing or have done to give him hope'.

        1. Yes and no. The thing is after Maya’s brother had that convo with ol girl I can guarantee that she was at his house the next week , falling into the same old thing. At the end of the day it’s not that he doesn’t want this young lady, it’s just that he doesn’t want her the way she wants to be wanted. Therefore it falls on her to take control and leave if shes not getting what she wants, trust if he’s truly aggravated/ lost interest he will ignore her/not call but he know she’s bluffing and will take anything from him to get a piece of him. Also its not like she in a completely empty handed situation, unlike the friend zone where the “friend usually goes and gives ” while the “love interest” just takes and takes

        2. Based on her retelling of the story, he is frustrated and annoyed. He can't get what he wants–her company when HE wants it without her annoying him with her expectations. Therefore, he's willing to play with her on his time but not happy to deal with the RESPONSIBILITY and consequences of that play time.

          Is she foolish to continue? Sure. But is he totally without fault if he continues to take, take, take? Naw. This speaks to HIS character. It's kind of like how men like to judge a woman based on how she treats the waitstaff. It's fair that we judge men based on how they treat people when they don't have to be thoughtful. And in this case, this man is taking, hiding under the 'But I told the truth' banner. If this was the streets, I couldn't get away with hoping in a car that was left running at the gas station. Was the owner dumb for leaving it running? Yes. But that doesn't mean my thievery is excused. And I'm pretty sure the judge would be like, "Miss, I don't care that the car was running. You will suffer some form of consequences."

        3. Ms. Smart I agree…..he should just put the chick on straight Ignore. But as you said maybe he is getting something out of this too. He may be "playing with her on his time." If he is then the stress and drama she causes is on him. obviously playing this game isn't bothering him too much. Obviously she isn't stressing him badly enough for him to ignore her and stop dealing with her altogether, so to each his own, tis what tis.

        4. Ms. Smart there is only so much u can do. Again I fault folks who say nothing and take and use it to their advantage when u know someone likes you. Sometimes u can talk to people and if they don't want to hear you and accept the truth it's like your talking to a brick wall, and you might as well not be talking at all. Like they say, "you can lead the horse to the water, but u can't make him drink."
          I can't stop a man from pursuing me. I can't stop him from asking me out or calling, texting, emailing, or even coming to my place. All I can do is call the police, and get a restraining order if he threatens me. Beyond that, if I tell a man NO and tell him I don't like him and don't go out with him or return his calls, texts, or emails, and accept no gifts or cash from him then what more can I do?????

        5. We have a lot of technology at our fingertips. We don't have to be victims of aggressive men. We can block them. We can call the cops. I am not sure what the deal is where women don't think they have the right to call the cops on a man who dares show up at their homes or jobs. When u threaten my comfort, let alone my safety, all bets are off. Now, some context…I typically deal with men who have something to lose. So they aren't that likely to show up at my door. And in the case of the one who habitually did, I had TI be honest with what I was doing–being responsive, taken his calls, answering the door. There has only been one to do this because I learned to choose better men AND not respond favorably to such antics.

        6. @Ms. Smart I’m not saying he has no fault, I M just saying at the end of the day the final decision lays on the woman. Just like the car example. Yes no one should still your car even if u leave the keys in the ignition. Yes it is an attest to their character, but it’s still falls on you for leaving the keys their in the first place, when you know it could be a risk. At the end of the day he isnt risking anything by her staying or leaving for the most part. I’m focusing on her because she is the one who has something to lose by staying some place she really isn’t needed and slightly wanted . I mean it clearly doesn’t matter what his charter is because she wants to be with him, even though he is clearly telling her this is not what he wants. Until she sees that (or waits for the day he decides to be a little more up right) nothing will change.

          He has to take responsibility for what he’s done, she has to take responsibility for what she wants.

      2. Yes @Bree. In some cases the man does his part and is honest. After that is your choice to decided if you want to accept his honesty or ignore it . Now some men might leave you alone if you decide not to take his honesty for what’s it worth ( aka yousyart really acting crazy) but most will leave the decision weather to continue or not up to you, if you keep touching the stove when you know it’s hot that’s your fault not the stove

        1. Please see my statement about stealing a car above. Just because someone leaves the keys in the ignition, it doesn't mean I should steal the car or that I am not a thief (of poor character) if I do.

    2. "I had a choice to use that control to be emotionally abusive or walk far away. Ive seen enough Investigation Discovery to know that walking away was the best thing."

      YESSSSSS that ID channel will have you think real different about things you do

  6. Great Post! This is my life as it stands – the realisation that we don't want the same things. so why bother. But i'm wrong to choose to move on. This creates headaches im not willing to have in my life.

  7. Very thought provoking post! I think that many times it's hard to let people go when you've "decided" on them, but when they don't want the same thing we have to be honest with ourselves and sometimes the truth hurts.

    "Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck." -Dalai Lama

  8. Great post Maya, welcome 🙂

    And to Ms Smart's comment, "The strength of a person isn't just in their telling the truth. It's in them acting the truth in no uncertain terms." uprorious applause!

  9. Great guest post so i wont comment on the fact of how little sisters misidentifying are the devil lol. I think in essence she’s stubborn. She ignores the obvious, tries to change what she cannot and then get frustrated with the results. i’ve had the “im not your man” fight more times than i can count and while part of it can be based on her naive notion she can change me, part of it is me knowing what she’s up to and allowing it to happen. Your brother, like me, knew what he was doing, misleading while still covering his bases. Reaping boyfriend priveleges but whenever it comes to boyfriend duties quickly reminding her of her place. I’ve since learned to be MORE stubborn about what i want/don’t want. Sacrificing sure things for nights alone because i dont want the headache later.

    1. If you don't do dirty stuff you don't have to worry about getting caught. Same with lying, it's easier to tell the truth because you don't have to remember the lie.

  10. "The minute you’re convincing someone to like you, or treat you well, or want the things you want, is the minute you’ve run out of time."

    Pretty much…lol.

    Welcome!

  11. "….from a man who had little to offer but hard d**k and a few jokes." + "It makes little difference if you’re sleeping with him."

    It depends on you as a woman what a man chooses to offer you but I'll say you get other things from a man who isn't focused on purely physical acts. Mating, in my opinion, is a rhythm of person. Your thought processes synch up, your energies start mixing and swirling and conforming together; it allows for two people to feel one another as a little force inside them. A second heart beat. The physiological alignments, your hormones tend to push and pull against one another and all of this deeper breathing together generates the physical desires. It makes a difference. Not so much when it comes to wanting the same things. He has to want that connection with you in the first place.

    1. The moment you prematurely interject it with the physical is the moment you start trying to convince a man you're worth it. Majority of women want a soulmate but they settle for a little less than that hoping to build the relationship to something it isn't. He doesn't want you like that. I don't even think it's a matter of "want the same things" I think it's a matter of a woman knowing what she's being used for and deciding if she's okay with it.

  12. I'd like to ask a question. So, it's definitely wrong to lead a person on to think there could be a relationship when you don't want one. And it's definitely wrong to continue with a person who seems to be looking for a relationship, even if you made it clear you don't want one. But how do people who don't want relationships spend quality time with members of the opposite sex (physical or emotional time) WITHOUT hurting anyone's feelings? Is it possible? I'm curious about this.

    1. Sure, I do it all the time. It requires a simple conversation, had on several occasions on what you want from the person. The problem begins when people don't WANT to have the conversation because they like the way things are, and do not want them to change or get wierd.
      For example, I had a convo with a really great guy friend of mine a long time ago. We are clearly both attractive people on paper. One day we asked "why not"? We both concluded-"You are attractive-ish, but not attractive enough TO ME to throw out the friendship component (because really, there is no going back)". We're still cool. Others, the friendship was over after the convo. Others still, I have very clearly admitted that while we have a lot of fun on dates and such, there really is no foundation for a relationship-so we juts hang out ing the dating capacity. Others, not so much. You just can't be afraid of rocking the boat or taking an L just because you voiced what you want. Because at the end, the only thing you will regret is NOT saying what you wanted.

      1. Oh, sorry- and then AFTER the convo- STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Don't be all up on her couch cuddling and looking all deep in her eyes & stroking her face AFTER you explained that this was casual to you. If you love what you have you are going to have to accept the natural progression-or be brave enough to halt it if it isn't what you really want. Conversely, If you are on the receiving end you are going to have to take it like a grownup. But either way, a progression will be had- nothing is stagnant. The disconnect happens when someone continues the progression physically/emotionally while stating they would like the status to stay the same-when in actuality they LIKE it, they just don't have it in them to release that type of vulnerability to another.

        1. True. I suppose you have to just repeatedly have the conversation. And your right, there is no stagnate relationship, even in a casual situation. Hence why I feel as if someone will get hurt regardless in these situations. But I was just curious if there was a possible solution.

    2. It's very simple – don't let that person monopolize your time.

      I think it's kind of natural that when you're attracted to someone AND you guys have great chemistry, the more time you spend around them, the more likely your feelings will shift. Eventually you'll want a relationship. In addition to stating explicitly "I don't want a relationship with you", let your time invested reflect that.

      IMO, if you limit your 1-on-1 time with them, there's really no way signals can get crossed or you'd have the time to really get deeply emotionally invested. That's why I'm a big supporter of women dating multiple dudes until you find 1 that wants what you want at the same time.
      My recent post Is Bad Timing A Reality Or Just An Excuse?

      1. You don't have to date multiple dudes to find one that wants what you want when you want it, but that's a good solution. I don't really agree with the idea of casual dating, but if you want to be friends while having sex and having a good time, I guess the best way to do that without someone calling them your bf/gf is to make sure it doesn't happen very often. 🙂

  13. "I like sl*ts"
    I almost spit out Red Bull laughin at that. One time in high school some kid just walked into the bathroom professing the same thing repeatedly to the Yankee Doodle theme…

    The situation is above is real bad when there is a disconnect, and two people want different things or one is trying to change the other. However It could be worse…mainly infidelity becoming a result.
    Earlier Juelz Santana was quoted, but now I'm gonna quote Cam'Ron:
    "He loves her, I'm just f***in her, that's his business" -King Joffe Joe

  14. 1. There is alot of REHASHED gold here.

    2. Men have been saying this forever, and we get excoriated for telling a simple truth , so I am glad Maya, a black woman, had to break it down again

    3. Maya's brother is an attractive alpha male, a male I am working long & hard to emulate to total perfection. He is doing what attractive women do all throughout their 20s, leveraging his attractiveness. It is just not as socially acceptable. When women want you & have to have you, you have no say in the matter

    4. All is fair in love & war, it is not Maya's brother's job to shut these women down. These women deserve all the heartbreak & loneliness poor choices can provide for them. I root for this for stupid women errday.

    1. How is it a poor choice to go after a man who has many good qualities like she listed her brother as having? This is what I don't get about your whole dogma. You want women to go after losers they are not attracted to in the least because those guys *might* be more willing to stick with them because its a come up for the loser 'beta male'? Riiiight.

      That won't work either.

      1. SweetSass: "How is it a poor choice to go after a man who has many good qualities like she listed her brother as having?"

        Because he doesn't currently have the most important quality you want: the desire to settle down. Just because you see a man that is good-looking, educated, successful, etc., doesn't mean he owes you or women in general anything. He doesn't have to settle down and be Mr. Family Man to align with any woman's timetable, no more than you need to start giving it up because there are a lot of guys who want no-strings-attached $ex.

        "Go(ing) after losers they are not attracted to in the least" isn't necessary. Going after a guy who wants what you want in a relationship is.

        1. Well here is the thing… Most guy who are content to 'leave things be' without going to commitment ACT THE EXACT SAME WAY as guys who are into commitment. It's only until you've invested a significant amount of time into a guy and notice… well it's been six months and he still ain't trying to be exclusive… then shyt hits the fan.

          But if you talk about relatioships too soon (ie. screening process) .. ya'll men are turned off by that because it's 'pressuring'… but if you wait patiently you'll get bamboozled by guys who aren't into commitment.

          I swear to God, you are all conspiring to make it impossible for women to win.

          And also, for our sakes, it doesn't much matter either if a guy has the quality of wanting to settle down if he doesn't have anything else we want…. financial stability, good looks, and whatever else that would make *US* want to stay.

        2. "Most guy who are content to 'leave things be' without going to commitment ACT THE EXACT SAME WAY as guys who are into commitment. It's only until you've invested a significant amount of time into a guy and notice… well it's been six months and he still ain't trying to be exclusive…"

          Which is exactly why you don't put all your eggs in one basket. If he isn't "trying to be exclusive" for six months, you should have been seeing other men that entire time.

        3. But AGAIN… you have guys saying they won't want a woman who is dating other guys. I've heard this exact comment from male posters here. He won't take seriously a woman who is casually dating (or has ever slept with men that are not him). So again, Catch 22. We are supposed to be devoted to your azzes but ya'll deduct that against us if we do just the same stuff you are doing. This hypocrisy is astounding!

          Men stay saying 'I want her to cook for me' whatever to prove she is mate-worthy… but you don't have time/money to be cooking for 4-5 guys "in the basket." This ain't a damn soup kitchen. I don't have time for this. How is that sustainable? Ya'll are outrageous with your expectations and double standards.

        4. "But AGAIN… you have guys saying they won't want a woman who is dating other guys."

          You are looking for a fool-proof guide that works on every single man out there? That doesn't exist for neither men nor women. Yes, SOME men won't date a woman who is casually dating. But MOST guys will (as long as you aren't having sex with all of them) and you aren't playing yourself in the process.

          "Men stay saying 'I want her to cook for me' whatever to prove she is mate-worthy…"

          (facepalm) Why are you cooking for all these random dudes? Stop giving boyfriend benefits to random guys you're dating! What's so hard about saying:

          Sass: I really enjoy cooking, I'd love to cook for my man.

          Baller, Shot Caller, 20-inch Blades On The Impala: Why don't you cook for me?

          Sass: Sorry, you're not my man.

          Is that really too much? Women claim to know men better than men know themselves, and this is too much to handle?

        5. OK, no one is saying having chex with all of them but lets get real… even if she was just having sex with just ONE of them, the ones who she is not having sex would be out if they found out… and it would ruin her reputation even though she did nothing wrong. So she can't be honest and she can't lie.

          If you started courting a lady, you hadn't gotten serious, you're one of several guys she is dating (not sexing, just dating)… but at some point you either discuss the relationship status or come to knowledge she is also seeing someone prior to meeting you… and they are having sex… are you still going to try to court her? Win her away from guy she is sleeping with? Or will you be bitter and think… hell naw I'm not taking to her to see Dark Night if this other dude is getting the draws.

          Just about every man out there feels they are owed the fidelity of women they are not at all committed to (yet).

          So really, ya'll are full of shyt with this B.S. advice which you'd not even take in your own situation.

        6. "Just about every man out there feels they are owed the fidelity of women they are not at all committed to (yet).

          So really, ya'll are full of shyt with this B.S. advice which you'd not even take in your own situation."

          <sarcasm>Yes, you're right. You got this dating thing all figured out. Good luck out there. </sarcasm>

        7. "This hypocrisy is astounding!"
          "Ya'll are outrageous with your expectations and double standards."

          Yes, because women saying they want the nice, sensitive guy who does inexpensive but thoughtful dates to settle down with, but going after the ballers, thugs, rappers, pretty-boy players and various alpha males, isn't a double standard at all. These statements you are making obviously coming from a place of hurt.

          Women have the overall advantage over men, and you're upset we have some advantages? It's like playing spades, and women have the big and little jokers, ace, queen, and jack of spades, ace of hearts and diamonds, and then say men have an advantage because the ace of clubs and king of spades has a possibility of getting a book.

        8. (2/2)

          "it doesn't much matter either if a guy has the quality of wanting to settle down if he doesn't have anything else we want…. financial stability, good looks, and whatever else that would make *US* want to stay."

          Well, of course, that goes without saying. I don't think anyone's list in a mate, male or female, is just:

          1. Wants to settle down.

          There are multiple things that people are looking for. But if a desire to settle down isn't at the top of the list, don't be surprised when you end up with a man that has "whatever else that would make *US* want to stay" that isn't giving you a commitment.

        9. I blame women's liberation, and the enabling men who allowed y'all recent freedom to make poor choices for your dilemma, keep continuing to ride that c*ck carosuel, and save your money

        10. It was worse before women's lib for women. So yay for women's lib. At least this way we have choices, period.

          Just because you are at a restaurant with a lot of choices doesn't mean you don't have complaints about the selection. Like you really want lobster but the kitchen is all out. So you stay fuming at your table wondering if shrimp is worth settling for.

      2. Then continue what you have been doing, see you at the top. You are welcome to be number 9 in my growing harem, only because you are special.

        Settle or sit on the sideline, unloved

  15. This 'revelation' is nothing new really. I mean, most women know this already. The issue is… for every 1 guy who is relationship-minded there are 1,000 women who are. That leaves the 999 out in the cold struggling to change minds or living with the scraps (fighting with other women over no-commitment dudes).

    This doesn't really 'solve' anything except to tell women to expect to die alone with cats. At least you'll have your pride, amiright?

    Maybe you should spend some time with your bro asking why he acts the way he does. Why is he such a selfish, scheming dude? Society cannot function with everyone going after their wants, like overgrown teenagers. That is why so many fathers are not in the picture with their children. Selflessness versus selfishness. It's already our downfall.

    1. I dont think i need to spend time with my brother asking why he’s a “selfish scheming dude.”and think you’re reaching far to extrapolate a point about fatherless children, which isn’t at all related to the point of the piece.. And you’ve chosen to infer that he’s a schemer, when he isn’t. I can tell you exactly why my brother behaves the way he does – because there’s alway been someone that has allowed him to. My brother hasn’t ever been hard pressed for female attention. I’m stating that as fact. Do I find his general approach deplorable? Yes. But I also witnessed him check this woman he was on the phone with without interruption. So there are two parts to this story. He loves the attention he gets from him. But he is not the type to lead them on. In fact, what I didn’t share in this post is that the boy said “I’ve told you that if you want to go out on dates, you should do that. It doesn’t bother me.” I’m not at ALL from the Steve Havey School of It’s A Woman’s fault, but at some level all of this is about personal responsibility. If Person A tells Person B that they only want X, and 6 months later Person B decides he or she wants something different, Person A isn’t obligated to accommodate Person B’s change of heart. Person B does, however, have a responsibility to be honest about their emotional needs. Person A may be an as*hole for persisting, but Person B has made themselves a willing participant by virtue of his or her sheer availability.

      1. You cannot have 4-6 women on rotation and not be a schemer. That is the definition of scheming. If you approach new women when you already have a bunch you're with on a semi-permanent basis and you aren't telling the new one you have all this going on.. you are being shady. I guarantee your brother is not going up to women telling them, "I see absolutely no potential in you but lets go back to my place so I can get my rocks off and call you a cab." No, he probably does everything he can to get their attention and make them feel special for a little while at least. Hence, they all think they are number 1 until he wait just until he has what he wants THEN tells them what it really is. If he told them what kind of man he has before they got involved, he wouldn't be as successful. Period. He is a liar and selfish. That is how users operate. If they came clean at the very start they wouldn't be able to use people.

        It doesn't matter if you use people for money, fame, or sex. A user is a user is a user. Someone primarily driven by their wants not what they have to offer or some semblance of mutual respect.

        1. You cannot have 4-6 women on rotation and not be a schemer. That is the definition of scheming. If you approach new women when you already have a bunch you're with on a semi-permanent basis and you aren't telling the new one you have all this going on.. you are being shady.

          Maybe a good percentage of men scheme, because as I found in my beta days, keepin 100 doesn't work.

          But yes, you forget my young @SweetA$$, a good percentage of women persue men because he is attached (PreSelection), and think they can homewreck & be girlfriend over time.

        2. I guarantee your brother is not going up to women telling them, "I see absolutely no potential in you but lets go back to my place so I can get my rocks off and call you a cab." No, he probably does everything he can to get their attention and make them feel special for a little while at least. Hence, they all think they are number 1 until he wait just until he has what he wants THEN tells them what it really is. If he told them what kind of man he has before they got involved, he wouldn't be as successful. Period. He is a liar and selfish. That is how users operate. If they came clean at the very start they wouldn't be able to use people.

          Stop asking men to play fair when you know damn well, women will use & lie given the incentive. Nobody is playing fair in the dating game. And you cannot get used if you are looking to spread your legs before he signs that marriage license.

        3. If you want me to clue you in so you can stop mentally masturbating over this hookup culture you are in, I GOT YOU.

          YOU. ARE. COLLATERAL. DAMAGE. It is not (totally) your fault. THERE

          Now, go ride on some alpha c*ck & tape & publish it for us so we can be better entertained. Leave the writing to the well informed

        4. Actually, you can. There are a lot of people who happily oblige to non-committal relationships (at least in the beginning.) So, perhaps in your experience, people lie in order to get what they want. But actually, sometimes truth is the best game…

          Seems to me that you may be doing a little bit of projection. I can event attest from my own experiences that people often write checks that their hearts can't cash.

          People aren't inherently bad for not wanting commitment.

        1. Not true, you keep overlooking the men you call lame, corny, loser, etc.

          Stop overlooking your pen*s market. Know your SMV (S*xual Market Value) & your MMV (Marital Market Value), the former is higher than the latter & they both depreciates over time.

          Again, sharing is caring, Maya's brother would be happy to oblige

        2. You're just mad and bitter women would rather have a little bit from a dude like Maya's bro than all you have to offer. That is because you are no where near being desirable or having a harem.

        3. I'm closer than you think, (& like LeBron, I am catching cramps all the way to the chip)

          but when the tables suddenly turn, what other cards will you have to play besides being "mad and bitter"… You & WC need to make a s*xtape together, so we can celebrate you for something!

          The jig is up ladies. Settle, share or be alone!

  16. Also, I’ve noticed that the comments for this post are very driven by the notion of what lowly women should do when a man has made is known that *he* doesn’t want *her*. Lots of you have made comments that to me suggest a belief that all women who date want the same things. In my own personal experience, men who make assumptions about what I want in the time I spend with them make our arrangement (whatever it may be) a lot more complicated than it otherwise would be had they believed the things I was actually saying/doing rather than operating on the premise that the other shoe would eventually drop and I’d turn into a love-crazed lunatic. So, might I offer a suggestion that in your future encounters you do your partner/bedmate the favor in coming in with a clean slate an open mind rather than thing that she is predisposed to any one way of thinking or feeling.

  17. I have been on both sides of this, so I can't really judge her brother. But situations like these speak to the character of both parties involved: one person has sketchy/low self-esteem while the other is self-centered and lacks true self-awareness. The last time I did this to a guy was the last time I did this to a guy. It took him pouring his heart out for me to truly understand how the situation was making him feel. He liked me, and while I didn't return his feelings, I saw how great of a guy he was so I really wanted to feel something for him (which was selfish as hell). You just can't force things like that. Nevertheless, I kinda strung him along until he eventually got so frustrated that he laid everything out and would not let me dodge his questions. Looking back, I can see how his feelings for me kept him around longer than necessary. But it was also my lack of clarity and mixed signals that gave him hope. Having the same thing done to me was the ultimate slap in the face, thank you karma! I wonder if her brother will eventually have the unfortunate opportunity to see the other side of the situation too…

    Maya is right though, women (and men) need to look out for themselves and guard their hearts as best as possible until they find someone who is worthy of it. Don't expect someone else to look out for you, especially if you're not willing to do it for yourself…

  18. I m so sad, My girlfriend and me broke up a month ago. yeah..you know i'm young ,handsome,lonely and still hurting.i may be in need of someone to love..still..My friends told me about cougarkissing_ C0M and i got curious about it.. they met their girlfriends there.,It's the best place to meet a older girlfriend . i cant risk myself..So i got a usename(Qcdude) there in order to find a new girlfriend .Is it wrong?

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