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10 Things Every Single Man Needs to Know

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Paul Carrick Brunson, Modern Day Matchmaker and star of OWN’s upcoming reality show, Lovetown, USA, dropped some dating knowledge for the fellas last week on his personal site. Women (and men) have been enthusiastically in support of his article titled “10 Things Every Man Who Is Single Needs to Know.” Here are a few highlights from the article:

1) Most Playboys I Know Die Lonely

The most sympathetic I have ever felt for a client was when I was approached by a 48-year-old, self-professed “playboy for life.” I’ll never forget the call. He said with a weak voice, “Paul, I’m looking for a companion, but you only have 6 months.” And then he added, I’ve given you that amount of time because that’s the same amount of time the doctors have given me to live and I’d like to share at least one day with true love before I leave earth.” We were not built to do life alone. Don’t wait too long to settle down.

2) Being a Playa is Nothing Compared to Being a Gentleman

Chivalry is not dead, but we’re killin’ it… slowly. In our parents’ day and before, boys were taught early on what it is to be a man, and part of that was knowing how to treat a lady. And if you didn’t learn it at home, you picked it up in the community by observing how men treated women. Now I go out, and men will not hesitate to walk through a door before a woman, let alone actually take the 5 extra seconds to hold it open for her. Brothas, really?? We know better, let’s act like it (especially for the boys coming up… they’ll be what they see)!

3) There is Nothing Sexier Than a Man with a Plan

Yeah, women often profess their love for an ambitious man, but I’ve found that a man with something as simple as a basic life plan (and MEASURABLE strides taken to achieve it) typically wins. I’m not saying to give up on your audacious “Jay-Z take over the world” scheme, but if all you have to show for it over the last 5 years is a studio in your basement, it’s time to move on. Remember that all of your goals need to be S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely).

4) If You Want a 10, Be a 10 First

Self-development is not just for the ladies. We want a woman who’s got her act together (body that’ll give Buffie competition, wittier than Kerry Washington, more nurturing than Florida Evans, and one that could give bedroom lessons to Karrine Stephens). That said, are we willing to take an honest look at ourselves to see where there is room for improvement. Don’t let that male EGO stop you from being the best you can be. Michael Jackson said it best… “start with the man in the mirror.”

Additionally, Paul and I will be co-facilitating a Twitter discussion amongst men on dating and relationships this Wednesday (8/8) at 9pm ET. We’ll be asking several questions and highlighting a wide range of answers. For the ladies, this will be a great opportunity to get a look into the male mind. For the fellas, this will be a great opportunity to let women know how you and other men think. To join or follow the Twitter discussion, use the hashtags #itscomplicated #just4men. We’ll see you then!

Click here to read the rest of the article from Paul.

Comment(62)

    1. I agree with what Brunson says, but he seems to be oblivious to the fact that many women out here these days are dot desirous, if deserving of chivalry. let's keep it real.

  1. I look around and ask myself are #1, #2, and #4 really true?
    Then I realize I'm in the real world, and this is probably something else that I don't know about.

  2. "…. and one that could give bedroom lessons to Karrine Stephens…..Don’t let that male EGO stop you from being the best you can be."

    So, in other words, if I want a 'freak in the sheets' I must get in a lot of practice so I can live up to the standard I set for my future "her". *strokes chin* hmm….Welp, if that's what I gotta do then by golly I guess I'll do it! lol.

  3. Good list. One that’s left off here but can be found on his site is the ‘find a mentor’ mantra. I’ve spoken on this until I’m breathless and it’s landed mosty on deaf ears. I dont know why, but keeping it 100, it seems like more black men are hell bent on not seeking out or following mentors. Idk why this is. I’ve had at least 2 formal mentors and many more informal ones. I can say emphatically and without doubt that I would not be where I am in my career or my life if it wasn’t for them. That said, I do need to do a better job of ‘paying it forward’ and plan to look into how I can give back to te community through a mentor program or formal club eg Boys Club or Big Brother, etc.

    I welcome feedback if anyone has any insight personal experience in this area.

      1. It only just occurred to me that I’ve never spoken on this in fu so a full article is forthcoming. In short, it gives someone an opportunity to champion for you professionally (letters of recommendation, networking opportunities, and general convos on how to advance – assuming they’re above you.) Personally, it’s always good to have someone to bounce ideas off of whom you can trust or that is in a trusted position. It doesn’t have to be anything as formal as man of the church, altho this isn’t a bad idea. It can be as simple as a (happily) married man – if you want to eventually marry or something as simple as someone who exhibits a level of confidence you want to one day encompass in yourself.

        I’ll expand on this in the post but without the mentors in my life, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have a lot of my post-schooling paid for. A former mentor championed for and eventually succeeded in having a former employer pay for a number of certifications I have. I’ve also gotten a lot of speaking in engagements and career advancement opportunities because I had the right people speaking in the ears of the right people. Overall, I simply would not be where I am or have some of the successes I’ve had without these people (male and female by the way).

        1. "I dont know why, but keeping it 100, it seems like more black men are hell bent on not seeking out or following mentors. Idk why this is."

          In the vein of keeping it real, I believe there is a direct correlation with BM staunch refusal to seek out assistance and our issues with marriage/relationships. Hear me out.
          it is exponentially harder to identify, and then set out on your path, career or otherwise, without assistance. It requires more focus, as every little deterrent can set you back years. Add to this the systematic barriers already set by race and you truly have a person that cannot afford to focus on ANYTHING else. So, personal relationships fall by the wayside.

        2. Now, take other cultures/races for who the mentorship mentality is ingrained & practiced from youth. Is it any wonder they have emotional availability at a younger age, or that with said guidance they can seek a partner to "build with", instead of "complement" what has already been established? I have heard MANY a mentor tell their mentee to hurry up and "get marriage out of the way" so they can start building and paying down debt, have more focus (that can be wasted skirt-chasing), etc. etc. Just musing…

        3. Amaris 2 people who I think are great as Mentors are Steve Harvey and Mike Baisden.
          They both do a lot that is geared specifically towards young boys. From what I've seen and read about Steve Harvey's mentoring weekend, every activity the entire time gives the boys a lot of the basic foundations and blueprints they need to become really good, successful men. Mike Baisden also has a mentoring program and talks to kids on his radio show. He has the One Million Mentors Campaign and theSave Our Kids tour.
          This is the what I think is needed. Granted all men can't do this on a large scale as Steve & Mike, but there are guys out here making 6 figures who can do something.
          Even if a guy makes minimum wage he can mentor the kids in his neighborhood and just talk to them and support them in whatever their endeavors are.

        4. Cosign WIS……Mentors ie support make all the difference. I became a licensed Esthetician and got into skincare because a black woman who was my Esthetician and taught me to take care of my skin inspired me to do it. She told me there weren't a lot of black Estheticians, but they were definitely needed. I've had a few other women, including former supervisors of various races who have mentored me over the years. Mentors can make a huge difference in a kids life and keep them on the straight and narrow. Mentors are especially important in the black community because so much in our environment can cause our kids to not reach their full potential. We don't support and encourage each other as much as we should, but when one of us "makes it" we want that person to represent the entire black race and folks wanna ride the wave of success with that person when they did nothing to help them reach that success.
          There are so many young black boys being raised in single parent homes that need good black male role models in their lives it's not even funny. Not to mention young girls who need a good man to show them how they should be treated and respected by men.

        5. I think some of the responsibility lies with single moms talking to guys about mentoring their sons. I know a few guys that coach and ref kids little league basketball and football games.
          All are single except one mailguy who coached his kids softball and basketball games. I always ask them if they are mentors to the boys they coach. They tell me that they try to be, but it's difficult when mama is flirtin and trying to holla at them and get them for herself.
          This seems to be a thing I'm hearing a lot of single women do. They put the guys in somewhat of an awkward position and make it hard for them to just mentor, teach and reach their kids, and not have to be mama's new man and a potential stepdaddy. My guyfriend in college became a middle school teacher and said he got ridiculous play from single moms. Granted if ur a single mom it's cool if u find a guy attractive who coaches ur son, or maybe one of his teachers, but that shouldn't be your main focus, your focus should be on having and keeping him a part of ur sons life so he can have that good, positive male influence thats missing.

        6. The sad reality is a lot of old heads don't bother or want to be mentors. They have sort of a "get out there and do it for yourself" type way of coaching so mentorship is reserved for wayward youngins who they are trying to save before they turn 18. Older guys, like myself, usually have to tough it out. I have people that I seek advice from and they might give me a few nuggets, but I feel that a lot of folks don't have time or energy to mentor as this guy is mentioning. Mentorship is: "You can be anything you want if you put your mind to it, now put yourself out there." Fin.

  4. These to me are pretty obvious, although I will say, if you are a gentleman you'll have no shortage of women in your bed.

    1. Even if your not a gentleman, if you got swag, money and decent looks you'll have no shortage of women in your bed.

    2. Does a gentleman truly want to bed a lot of women? I put a lady and a gent in the same category. Wouldn’t it be quality over quanity?

  5. He also added a number 11… which interestingly enough he only shared with me to share with you all

    11. Don’t let the last chick, BE your last chick.

    As much as men would like to “think” emotional baggage is a woman’s issue, men need to stop by the baggage claim as well. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read facebook statuses from men to the effect of:

    “That’s it! From now on any woman that dates me is going to have to go dutch or be cool with a blockbuster night, cause I REFUSE to waste my time & money on these gold-diggin chicks”

    Now I’m sure many men will say, “Na, that’s not baggage. That’s just a man who is tired of being used and he’s adjusting accordingly.” I don’t care what you say, that’s BAGGAGE. You’re letting a few bad apples spoil your potential apple pie. You’re basically cheating the woman who could be the one because you’re hurt from what other women have done to you. If a woman had posted a similar post but instead saying “That’s it! That’s the last time I sleep with a man who’s not interested in a long term relationship. From now on it’s a 5 month rule”… let the fella’s tell it, that’s baggage. “I’m not him” “Why would you let the last man dictate what we have”… I would say the same to the fella above. Men, don’t let the last chick be the last woman you’ll ever date because you’ve got baggage!

    1. I will agree,

      The only difference between men & women is that usually it only takes 1-3 men for a woman to rule all men out, whereas men usually deal with a larger sample size.

      As far as the male size of bitterness, the man is unattractive in attitude & mindset therefore the woman expect him to compensate for that in money.

      He should not be taking women out, he need to be a jerk & invite women to his house for a first date.

      Don’t put out unless she is giving up the p*ssy

      1. "The only difference between men & women is that usually it only takes 1-3 men for a woman to rule all men out, whereas men usually deal with a larger sample size." Not always Adonis.
        For some women it takes 5 plus, and for some who it only takes 1-3, those 1 -3 may have took them thru hell and back for 10 yrs plus.
        Because some men feel like women are like disposable razors, they will ex her for the least little thing. Women tend to put up with a lot more, for a lot longer.

        1. That is a poor choice tale upon the female. While conveniently forgetting about the men she turned down to get to those heartbreak scenarios

      2. "…usually it only takes 1-3 men for a woman to rule all men out, whereas men usually deal with a larger sample size."

        I disagree strongly with this. There was a post on this very site about how ONE particularly bad experience with a woman can completely sour a dude for, like, YEARS. I know, because I've dated a few of them. Here's the article for reference. (https://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/09/28/girlfriend-zero-the-one-that-ruined-him/) Notice it has 155 comments because it was a hot-button issue.

        I gotta +1 TokyoBrown to the nth degree, with no caveats whatsoever.

        1. Honestly, I don't agree nor disagree with any of the above assumptions made…..but to be fair just because a man has ONE particulary bad experience doesn't suggest it was within the first 1-3 women he every took out/dated. It could have been woman number 22. *shrugs*

          I believe what Adonis is suggesting,( and I very well may be wrong, but it's how EYE took it, lol) is that it takes women (generally speaking, of course) a less amount of men to reach that ONE bad experience than it does for men to reach a woman to reach that one bad experience.

          Have a couple of theories as to why this could be the case, but this thread is already relatively off topic enough. Carry on folks. 🙂

        2. I am also saying that the men that these women be checking for are hunted, well identified & if you get got by one of these men then it is "shame on you." I am very reluctant to give women the victim card based on their mating strategy.

          Where as men are lied to about what type of man they need to be to get the women that they want (have money & treat her well), and bad women are not as easily identifiable (until now), [hell, are men even taught that there are bad apples in the female gender] and will take advantage of you just because you are commitment/beta minded (or a nice guy for a lack of a better term.)

          I still don't want to give men the victim card either. But I understand how a man can get got in 2012. Women should know better at this point

    2. TokyoBrown: "As much as men would like to "think" emotional baggage is a woman's issue, men need to stop by the baggage claim as well."

      I agree men have baggage, but I don't think either of your examples is an example of baggage. A guy that decides paying for dates hasn't worked for him or a woman that decides she's going to wait before having sex because of bad experiences does not have baggage. They are dating smarter.

      But I'm just quibbling over a minor issue. I agree with your point. Men most definitely can carry emotional baggage.

  6. #4 is truth. I once read here, can't remember whose post it is, that men over estimate their abilities to find 'the one' and now I think this is the reason why. They are too busy looking for all they want in a woman, they don't even bother to ask what such a woman will want in them and if they can live up to this standard. Truth be told though, this attitude is not unique to single men, it goes for single women too.

  7. I am sorry, Paul Brunson is married beta male, and should not be in the arena of teaching what a man has to do to attracting & bedding women. Leave that to Pick-up Artists.

    Or at least consult the assholes, thugs, & the alpha males who do very well with women.

    1. That last line savors strongly of bitterness.

      That aside, I don't think he's trying to coach men how to bed women. I think he's trying to coach men on how to marry women and have successful, long-term relationships with them. Given that he's been successful in that route (and in business, according to his bio), he's a good mentor on a few levels. 🙂

      1. It also favors strongly of reality & truth.

        It is very easy to be a well spoken married man who has never tackled today's dating scene.

        He can mentor me when I hear about the many s*xcapades he as been on before or during marriage with other women other than his wife. Show me some pics of the women he has bedded. Otherwise, there is nothing to talk about

      1. Seat rejected, respectfully.

        Because what you fail to realize in the LTRelationship/marriage game, is that you need those PUA, a$$hole, player traits to keep it going, (ie dominance, great s*x game) because even if you play the good guy, marriage provider game, you will still get done dirty.

        But I guess it would be hard to see that if you were the guy who was on the other side of the fence.

        I will keep that seat warm for you SJ when you get some game kicked to you.

        SSTTE

    2. Is comment this even real? For all the PUA rhetoric how is that working, how many women are you "bodying" I thought the goal of this advice was self improvement. Damn those context clues and reading for comprehension. The a$$holes and such may have the appearance of sexual success with some women but how does that translate into fatherhood and life after age 30. Paul Brunson is attractive, well spoken, well known and wealthy how does this make him a Beta? Boy, Stop

      1. Is comment this even real? For all the PUA rhetoric how is that working, how many women are you "bodying"

        None at the moment. Stay tuned.

        I thought the goal of this advice was self improvement. Damn those context clues and reading for comprehension.

        Not the kind of self-improvement I agree with

        The a$$holes and such may have the appearance of sexual success with some women but how does that translate into fatherhood and life after age 30.

        A$$holes, thugs, player, successful men (with confidence) are winning & will continue to win. Fatherhood & after 30 doesn't have ish to do with this conversation.

        Paul Brunson is attractive, well spoken, well known and wealthy how does this make him a Beta? Boy, Stop

        I was thinking you were a male. It all makes sense now. If MSM is following him, that is all the info I need to know. Stay tuned

        1. I am a woman, you should not have presumed I was a man. I have no qualms with your disagreement with the authors view of self improvement but it seems that following the advice of the PUAs has not yield your desired results. No matter, good luck with that. All do respect but which "thugs" are winning?? Also, how is Brunson not an alpha male? A curious mind wants to know? MSM (men who have sex with men, i'm presumming) may or may not follow him, I don't really know but, I'm sure for every man (no matter how straight) on Earth there is man somewhere that wants to sleep with him yourself included so I do not get were that is relevant.

    3. theoneash20: "Paul Brunson is married beta male, and should not be in the arena of teaching what a man has to do to attracting & bedding women.

      Or at least consult the assholes, thugs, & the alpha males who do very well with women."

      I think you're taking this alpha game stuff too seriously. He's not talking about bedding women; that's why he calls himself a matchmaker, not a player. Even according to alpha game, beta males do fine with women.

      I've never met the man, but if he is a beta, I'm sure from the money made from his investment banking, successful business and waking up to his wife every morning keeps him very happy.
      http://rollingout.com/business/entrepreneurs-busi

      1. I think you're taking this alpha game stuff too seriously.

        Only because I strongly believe in female s*xual loyalty. So, it matters

        Even according to alpha game, beta males do fine with women.

        Until she cheats.

        We will revisit this. But I hope the twitter conference was a success. Get that money

        1. Do you honestly believe that the wife of every "married beta male"is going to cheat because there are "better" men out there? So Paul Carrick Brunson should be worried about his wife cheating on him with, say a Trey Songs or Denzel Washington, if they propositioned her?

          Do you really have that little faith in women? #cmonson

        2. Yes, I Do ye so little faith in women.

          They are WOMEN. Inferior and should never be held to the same standards as men even if other men don't hold themselves to a male standard

        3. "They are WOMEN. Inferior and should never be held to the same standards as men…"

          Inferior? Dude, are you serious?

          Women think differently? Yes. Heavier on emotion than logic? Yes. But inferior? I'm sure no one would exactly confuse me for a feminist or that I make post to appeals to the ladies, but even I'm appalled at this. I'm not even sure how to respond.

        4. You can stay on fantasy island if you want to. Ignorance is protection.

          But you know what it is. Stop giving women (as a collective) so much credit.

        5. You have officially lost it. You are a regular here. You are seriously accusing me, Uncle Hugh/Hugh Jazz, of living on a fantasy island and "giving women…so much credit"? Have you actually read any of my posts in the last four years?

          I've had success with women, I'm not banking my hopes that the chips will fall into place one day and alpha game will make me the desire of women everywhere. Ignorance is protection? The simple fact that I knew what alpha game was and that betas are very successful with women should show you I'm not ignorant on that matter.

          Seriously, what kind of no self-esteem having, rainbow chasing woman are you planning on settling down with eventually, thinking you can actually gain the affections of a high-quality woman by being a professional d!ckhead? Alpha game is a TACTIC, not a worldview, to sleep with women, not find a wife, especially not one that is mentally stable and isn't barking like a dog and making noises like an orangutan on your command.

          But despite my success with women and you hoping to be there someday, please continue to remind me of how "ignorant" I am.

        6. Can two men peacefully disagree without a FEMALE instigating. Go ride some c*ck & get back in the kitchen. Barefoot.

  8. This guy's writing is so cheery sounding! I like this list in general but four points speak most to me when looking at single men and one is an exclamation point:

    "Being a playa is nothing compared to being a gentlemen." True story. Show respect when you know respect is due. Be honest about beauty and personal standing and what is done right. Appreciate. I REALLY like that in a man. Home training + chivalry + giving me my kudos = how you earn respect.

    "There is nothing sexier than a man with a plan." My planning process guarantees I hit my marks 11 out of 10 times. It's meticulous because the world around me and the world itself needs to be just so. I'm fine tuned as a brain and strategist so just idea bounce and you be ambitious in your execution. Be my brawn. I admire the stamina and strength of a man and his ability to pick up the ball I put together and run with it. Let you be the one who has meticulously honed his attributes and skill sets. It's the man who can comprehend, understand and execute my planbook that's sexy. Like, SO sexy.

    1. "If you want a 10, be a 10 first." This, yes. I'm perfect. No, no. I'm perfect. I specifically developed each part of myself until it was slightly above perfection so that even when I'm not trying….I'm perfect. and it's because I am my own craft. Focus on yourself that way and we're equals. I live for doing hard isht. Scrutinize yourself honestly, hone your development, because I want a guy who can keep up and then take the lead but please. This. THIS. is the very key to my soul. Blow. the sh*t. out of EVERYTHING. you do. Impress me.

      "Get a mentor in your life….ASAP." Someone who's been where you wanna go and can look at you from the top down can help you pick up SO many intricate skills and give you SUCH amazing range as a person. I can't even begin to evoke how awesome it feels to be the protege' of someone with exceptional mastery — really. Having a mentor is one of the best personal experiences you can hope for. Even better is having a mentor across the board of your development.

      "We really do this thang, let's run it right." Exactly. Moral of that story.

  9. interesting points. might not work for me though.

    i'm glad he opened himself up for mentoring others, too.

  10. As much as I hate to be the ole radical MOOZLUM, I have to point out the game of this article._Keep in mind, I am sure he is a gentleman and decent human being, BUT this is nothing more than another " Steve Harvey" type move. Im sure that this guy KNOWS that very few men are actually going to read this article, and of those few almost none of them are going to read this and say to themselves let me go find a spouse/wife. But I do recognize his ingenuity, with this article addressed to men, he can avoid any criticism that he isn't genuine in his quest to be a real matchmaker.

  11. Unlike Steve Harvey and other "relationship experts" who only address women, with this he can say to his overwhelmingly female followers that he really wants to fix black love and this article is proof.

    This a GENIUS move to further capitalize on the market of women(especially black) who are hoping to find the secret to getting a man(black) who is going to be monogamous, and have only eyes for her. While these guys may come around once the have reached old age and some mild form of erectile dysfunction has set in, men are polygynous by nature, this is evident by men who obviously and blatantly prefer to bed as many women as they desire.

    1. Women settle after 30 n that’s y they like the beta male poster. Women from 18-27 will sleep around with badboys, jerks. From 18-27 women will look at Brunson as a nice beta male they wouldn’t touch with a stick. After 30 when women realize they can’t compete with younger women they settle for guys like Brunson. Women will never take responsibility even if they r wrong or left a baby in the trunk

  12. Pineapple it’s essentially a new spin-off coming from Hold em and also Badugi is a fun fresh type of 4-card go back which is competed triple-draw with regard to small. It will take your cheater being quite exact along with his tattoos, yet if he really does a good career, no person although them will certainly previously notice the observing.

  13. Women settle after 30 n that’s y they like the beta male poster. Women from 18-27 will sleep around with badboys, jerks. From 18-27 women will look at Brunson as a nice beta male they wouldn’t touch with a stick. After 30 when women realize they can’t compete with younger women they settle for guys like Brunson. Women will never take responsibility even if they r wrong or left a baby in the trunk

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