Home Featured Men Are Not Perfect Vol 5: The Faux Relationship Expert

Men Are Not Perfect Vol 5: The Faux Relationship Expert

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Like all good things, the Men Are Not Perfect series must come to an end. I will continue to learn lessons in Love but they will happen in real time and maybe at some point in the future, I will again reflect on events from my past in a place of peace in my present. If this is your first time, please check out the entire series here. To wrap things up, I decided to summarize the lessons I’ve learned as I near the eve of my 30th year on Earth.

Ok, I must admit it was interesting reading how the comments evolved as I progressed through the series. It seemed people were more forgiving of my faults in my early years. As I got older, I noticed the comments became more critical in their analysis. It was also interesting – and admittedly surprising – to see the number of comments from men who championed for me to right the wrongs of my past rather than focus on preventing them in my present.



I failed to clarify one point in the introduction of the series as I did in a comment in a later piece. These stories were told in reflection not in regret. For one, I didn’t cover all my experiences with Love; I picked and chose. Additionally, I didn’t cover how the women’s actions prompted or failed to prompt me to act a certain way. It was interesting that most overlooked this fairly significant detail. Instead choosing to assume that since I didn’t speak on the sins of the women, they must have been complete angels. I will neither confirm or deny this theory.

I will,  however, clarify that I have made peace with all the women covered in these stories. With some, I remain friends and with others, we found peace not in the continuation of our relationship but in its ending. Some of these women went on to find Love through others, which includes marriage and kids. There are some stories whose ending I am unclear, but I wish them all the best. For myself, in some cases, I would not have been able to Love the subsequent woman if I didn’t first stop Loving the woman preceding her. Sadly, sometimes that’s how life goes. Lastly, while there are some decisions I regret more than others it is only in the lows of my mistakes that I was able to discover the highs of lessons learned.

See Also:  Men Are Not Perfect Vol 3: The One that Got Away

Looking back with the clarity, hindsight, and maturity of an almost-30-year-old it is easy to point out my mistakes. Now that I can see how the journey ended, it is much easier to second-guess the path I chose to follow in the first place. But, I cannot go back in time and change my actions. Therefore, I choose to focus on the present and make better decisions in the future. That is where I have personally found peace. Using a variation from a quote I heard recently: I wasn’t losing. I was learning how to win.

You see, I’ve accepted that whomever my wife-to-be is, she will benefit from the mistakes of my youth.  I will admit, unfortunately, I did wrong some women in my past before learning how to do right by the woman in my present. A few commenters asked if I’ve changed from these experiences and my answer is, “of course.” However, my past can only act as a guide. It has not made me without fault. I have no doubt that I will fall short of the perfection I seek to treat my future wife with, not because I’m me, but because I am human. I can only hope that my wife-to-be will accept me as I am today and through her I will continue to become a better man, husband, and perhaps one day, a father. I guess only time will tell.

See Also:  How Singles Cope Without Cupid on Valentine's Day

********************

I am not a relationship expert

I never claimed to be one. I don’t even desire to be one. Interestingly enough, stealing from a Dr. J reference here, I sound like a former basketball player who claimed never to be a role model. Although it is not a label I ever proactively sought to lay claim and have in fact gone out of my way to avoid, it is a title that has been forced on me by my current position.

When I tell people I’m a freelance writer, they often ask what I write about. Every time I list off a plethora of topics I’ve covered over the past decade. I’ve written thousands (perhaps tens of thousands) of blogs, stories, and articles but no matter how long or informative that list, I can always count on hearing one follow-up question at or near the top: So you write about relationships?

Look, I do not write about relationships. I write, and relationships are one of the topics I happen to cover. This often-ignored distinction notwithstanding, it is not lost on me that my posts on relationships are the ones most people (women) pay attention to, so much so they are also the topics that bring in the most money (so far). Still, let us be clear. WisdomIsMisery is no more a relationship expert than he is a donkey and quite a few people (women) would argue I’m more closely related to the donkey. I was recently having such a argument debate with a woman who reads my articles from time to time. She asked, once again, in a poorly veiled sarcastic tone if I consider myself to be “some kind of relationship expert?” I replied in the following manner:

I don’t consider myself to be sh*t. I hate labels and I don’t like to be boxed in. I write. I want people to know me as a writer and respect my opinion on whatever subject I choose or I am asked to write about. I don’t want to be known as a “relationship writer/expert” because that implies relationships are all I can write about. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I find the title itself somewhat oxymoronic, but whatever.

The subjectivity of relationships makes them extremely difficult to write about. I like facts, figures, and black and white. These are areas where I can prove people wrong. Relationships aren’t even what I’m particularly passionate about writing. At best, the mistakes I have made and watched close and distant friends make allow me to write about those topics with some degree of comfort. I also don’t care if I’m right or wrong. I don’t need other people’s permission to have my own opinion.

That said, no I am not a relationship writer or any kind of an expert. I am simply someone who happens to write in mostly complete sentences about relationships – and some people seem to think I do this well. If I’m lucky, sometimes those people pay me to do so.

In closing, for those of you out there – new readers and frequent commenters and lurkers alike – I hope you enjoy my writing and by extension, the SBM website as we both continue to grow. Whatever the subject matter, writing is something I truly enjoy doing in my life. I hope this comes across when you are reading. Your comments, and as stubborn as I am, even your critiques do make me a better writer. I welcome them both, even if I debate you with great vengeance and fury or I choose to remain musing silently in the background instead. What can I say? I’m an artist. I’m sensitive about my sh*t. But even a sensitive, passive aggressive, stubborn, and sometimes anti-social artist longs for an audience. For continuing to entertain me as I hope I entertain you, I thank you.

See Also:  The Urgency of Love

– WisdomIsMisery

Comment(41)

  1. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed this series and the growth happening here at SBM!!

    Keep on! I’ll be here the whole way!

    Yaay 🙂

    1. Thanks man. I’ll have to find a balance but I’m sure I’ll do some more series in the future. I’m actually plotting a way to write a full length (pause) fiction series that I’ve had in my head for a while. I’m running out of my own stories so might have to start making some up. Lol Plus it’ll be a new challenge as a writer which is somethin I always look forward to. Will keep te SBM familia updated.

  2. "When I tell people I’m a freelance writer, they often ask what I write about. Every time I list off a plethora of topics I’ve covered over the past decade. I’ve written thousands (perhaps tens of thousands) of blogs, stories, and articles but no matter how long or informative that list, I can always count on hearing one follow-up question at or near the top: So you write about relationships?"

    Mannnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Just had that conversation with one of the homies earlier. Anyway, great series. Keep up the excellent work.
    My recent post The Back on Track Report: Week 5

    1. LOL thanks. Guess I wasn’t completely clear there since I’ve gotten a few bday wishes already. My birthday isn’t until November.

  3. I enjoyed the series, some made me look back, some made me wary of what's forward. What I took away from this last post is the reflection vs regret. I reflect. A lot. It doesn't mean im not over it, or i'm sad, or that I regret it. it means its a lesson I've learned, embraced and applied to my life going forward. I await the next series
    My recent post Today’s Word is… SORRY

  4. Cool way to bring it in, WIM. Enjoyed it…really did.

    "with great vengeance and fury" <– I see you, lol. #PulpFiction

    I get the whole "never have regrets" concept…but thats not real life for me. I have real regrets, lol. Even if that means "you wouldn't be where you are now had it not been for those bad choices". Great…cause I'd be some place more fitting to my preference, lol. I mean, I'm not losing sleep over stuff…but I def have regrets. *shrugs*

  5. I always wonder why guys your age think they can run through countless women doing dirty and think they will eventually find Ms. Right. What if you don't? What if she was there but you messed it up royally and that was it. Your chance. And you blew it.

    I know a guy who is in his mid-forties now. He is a total joke. He is the old guy in the club. With his eyes set on younger women who generally want nothing to do with him. That life is real. And the choices you make might end you up there.

      1. I’m not projecting at all. We have a fundamental different approach to how we treat other people. You don’t even acknowledge your miss steps as miss steps, you sugarcoating it by saying ‘I am learning how to be better’.

        Keep burning bridges and you might just get stuck on an island. If you view people in your life as disposable ‘experience’ fodder… you’re just relying on luck. And your luck may run out. Like this dude I referenced who is now getting on to be way too old to have kids and you can see he really wants them. But girlfriends don’t take him seriously because he played too much in his 30s. Thinking, I’ll settle down next year… and then the next… and then the next. Now he is just old, washed up, and alone save for the occasional jumpoff. But no one who really cares about him or wants to build a life… because he already built his life, there is no room for anyone else in it.

        1. And the saddest thing, he had to give up a lot of friends b/c his married friends were off doing married things and he was a fifth wheel. Now he hangs out with a young crowd and at young places and pretty much keeps meeting women who are definately *not* Ms. Right. It's a cautionary tale.

    1. 1. Ms. Right is anywhere from just born (18 years from now) to 25 years old right now for men who exist. We good homie.

      Women especially of the Western feminist (GOD bless women's lib remember?) kind have & exercise their sexual right to not being s*xually policed & sl*t it up whenever man satsifies their attractive threshold. They are not victims. And if anything men are the jumpoffs & sidepieces.

      What you are asking for is attractive (black) men to give you affirmative action in dating when you don't meet whatever committment standards he puts up, and then CURSE him & his kind when you get curved. Full stop

      Women who are serious about being someone's Ms. Right screen HARD, and don't give up any chex until a marriage license is signed Again, women know what they are doing out here.

      FIN *Cause we won't stop, cause we can't stop, 9-5, 9-5, get live, get live.*

      1. FYI, the average difference in age between couples is 3.5 years. And this has remained the same for 100+ years. So… the chances you will be marrying someone who is a baby right now are slim to none. Keep thinking that tho. 😉

        Your posts sound like an ugly chick who does nothing but tell people how attractive she is. Right, boo boo… you're all that and a bag of chips!

    2. Today's Post by WIM:
      SweetSass: "Keep burning bridges and you might just get stuck on an island. If you view people in your life as disposable 'experience' fodder… you're just relying on luck.

      July 31, 2012, Guest Post by Maya Francis:
      SweetSass: "And also, for our sakes, it doesn't much matter either if a guy has the quality of wanting to settle down if he doesn't have anything else we want…. financial stability, good looks, and whatever else that would make *US* want to stay."

      So, when it comes to a woman, she can freely reject men that want to settle down, because of superficial reasons.

      But when a man actually cares for a woman, gets into a relationship, tries to make it work, and it doesn't work out due to major life decisions [for example: either she (model girl in Volume 3) or he (in Volume 4) moves because of their career], the man is "burning bridges" and the woman was nothing but disposable 'experience' fodder to him?

    3. I agree, I think about this all the time. It doesn't make me feel very hopeful about dating. It just feels like more of a headache.

      I will say this though, men just naturally have more options. Whether she's Ms Right or not. There are countless Ms Rights. Even a man that's not….let's say …."classically attractive" has maybe 4-5 women to choose from when he wants to finally get his mind right and settle down. It's not a level playing field so Yes, think your old guy in the club will probably find a young lady eventually

      1. she done drunk the kool aid…lol. Perception can become a reality if left unchecked. If someone has to convince you that they are winning, are they truly? Being in a relationship doesn't validate anyone and last I checked all it takes is consent from both parties to being one and that is no real obstacles there. The real challenge is finding someone with shared values and similar expressions of them or a willingness to learn for a lifetime. This is a dilemma that all mankind faces and is not just restricted to us ladies. It's your choice to believe it or not…but the men choose not to so why should you?

  6. I really enjoyed this series! [though I haven't been able to comment much as of late]

    I love the changes being made on the site, btw. I look forward to seeing what you guys have planned for the future.

  7. *turns your head slightly to the left, tilts it down* Perfect. and…*yells at the wardrobe team* C’mon! Anywho.

    lol @ being stubborn and combative over critiques to your “writing”. I’ll take your word for it but I think you’re being yourself and when people attempt to shape YOU then you become resistant to it. It may literally just be me but you as a person are most obvious and even though I’d venture so far as to say your treatment of women is most matured and respectable, I’m also kind of peeved your persona attracts the kind of people it does. It’s more so obvious to me (and I would think it’d be obvious to most people) EVERYHING ELSE is a more interesting topic of discussion.

    Like, I really expected you to write most on your successes in education, your accomplishments and avdancements in your career, economic principles, cultural proverbs, steak, finance, thread counts, how beautiful Audis are (cars), what it’s like to go through all these transitional phases of manhood. There’s a male camraderie in those subjects and I believe a greater audience will chime in if that becomes most prevalent in your writing. Tackle the deeper topics and present them from a deeper, uncommon perspective.

    and if you’re going to continuously speak on women, especially at this age, write from the perspective of an individual who adores the ideal woman and wife, who values the wholesomeness and beauty of a well rounded woman. or focus on what MEN need to do when it comes to being a patriarch, father, husband, provider. What MEN should do to be better. Focus on MEN and develop MEN. Allow men the platform to become better men through your writing.

    Anyway, I’m pushing my own agenda. I really like this (virtual candyshop) website and I would think you’d be most likely to match my expectations. (Pff. Black intellectuals. Right. These are just writing tips. PFF!)

  8. *turns your head slightly to the left, tilts it down* Perfect. and…*yells at the wardrobe team* C’mon! Anywho.

    lol @ being stubborn and combative over critiques to your “writing”. I’ll take your word for it but I think you’re being yourself and when people attempt to shape YOU then you become resistant to it. It may literally just be me but you as a person are most obvious and even though I’d venture so far as to say your treatment of women is most matured and respectable, I’m also kind of peeved your persona attracts the kind of people it does. It’s more so obvious to me (and I would think it’d be obvious to most people) EVERYHING ELSE is a more interesting topic of discussion.

    Like, I really expected you to write most on your successes in education, your accomplishments and avdancements in your career, economic principles, cultural proverbs, steak, finance, thread counts, how beautiful Audis are (cars), what it’s like to go through all these transitional phases of manhood. There’s a male camraderie in those subjects and I believe a greater audience will chime in if that becomes most prevalent in your writing. Tackle the deeper topics and present them from a deeper, uncommon perspective.

    and if you’re going to continuously speak on women, especially at this age, write from the perspective of an individual who adores the ideal woman and wife, who values the wholesomeness and beauty of a well rounded woman. or focus on what MEN need to do when it comes to being a patriarch, father, husband, provider. What MEN should do to be better. Focus on MEN and develop MEN. Allow men the platform to become better men through your writing.

    Anyway, I’m pushing my own agenda. I really like this (virtual candyshop) website and I would think you’d be most likely to match my expectations. (Pff. Black intellectuals. Right. These are just writing tips. PFF!)

  9. Interestingly enough, I thought about writing about relationships at a point in time. Most of us have our own set of experiences, be it personally or vicariously through others, and could conceivably write about them. However, I've followed you guys for a while and I think you do it quite well. I also skipped the relationships tag mainly, because the relationship writing game is a crowded space.

  10. This just helped me to complete an article i've been trying to write for the past 8 days. Somehow, It helped me to stop obsessing about how good or not good my writing is-which made me keep deleting whole paragraphs and starting over again, and just focus on writing anyway and expressing my thoughts.
    Thank you.
    Maybe, we should just all raise a glass to our stepping stone relationships since they make us better for those we'd be with in the end. No regrets, just reflections it's the way to live and learn. Keep up the good work.

  11. Excuse me…but you are extremely attractive…forgot what I was going to write. Lol. Nice post. Self reflection is very important in life.

  12. great job Wis and the pic of you is HOTT! Very nice. If and when u retire from writing and your still young enough u should be a model….*smile*
    As for you to expect folks to not think of and call u a relationship expert, well in order for that to realistically happen u would have to stop writing about relationships forever.
    It's just like if you do something really well and everybody knows about it, everyone will want you to do it all the time. Thats just life. You will never stop folks from calling u a relationship expert if thats what u write about, even if it's just once a month, and especially if your good at it. You never know that might be your calling to be relationship coach or something. At any rate, take it as a compliment and "count it all joy."

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