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Five Relationship Flaws Nobody Ever Talks About


Angry black woman

Nobody’s relationship is perfect. If anything, it’s perfectly imperfect. It’s hard to have an easy relationship because there are so many factors at play and trying to get two people to come together in agreement is hard work. We all know couples who have their problems; they’re always arguing or they’re always breaking up and getting back together. However, there are many relationship flaws that we never talk to anyone about no matter how much they threaten to ruin our relationship. These are our deepest darkest secrets. Here’s the top five relationship flaws that couples rarely reveal.

There’s a fresh light mix on the last page today by @CarverTheGreat titled, Shake Something. It’s perfect for the parties and hypeness that will go on this weekend. I got a few bachelor/bachelorette parties, i’m attending, so enjoy. Jump to it here.

1. You all are not on the same page

I’ve witnessed a woman start planning her wedding, estimating when she will get engaged, or talking to her friends about the children she and her boyfriend will have once they’re married, and thought, “Does she know he doesn’t think she’s the one?” There are so many couples out there where one is thinking that this is the one and the other is thinking that they’re about to run. The problem is for the simple minded women and blockheaded men out there, they’re too afraid to open their mouth and talk about it. I’ve witnessed this with some of my male friends. As they contemplate how much longer they’re going to wait to tell her that he doesn’t think she’s the one, she’s inviting him to every wedding, baby shower, and housewarming she can find.

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black man and while woman in love

2. The motivation for your relationship is wrong

“I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.” – Vanessa Bryant

I love Vanessa to death. I consider her like a sister-in-law since her husband and myself are such good friends. However, that’s crazy. She’s not alone though. There’s tons of people who date for all the wrong reasons. The most common is dating someone because of their personal goals and ambition in life. It’s as if you stick with them, you’ll reap some benefit of staying the course. I don’t think anyone can date someone because they’re going to be a lawyer, they’ve got a shot at the NFL, or one day she might be a hit singer. That’s stupid. The motivation for a relationship should be built out of a mutual attraction to each other, emotionally and romantically.

woman talking on phone

3. You keep secrets from your partner, but not your friends

There are a few reasons why I’m so private with my personal love life. One of the main reasons is that I do not like for anyone to be in my business but the people who are in the business. A lot of couples start to ruin things because they don’t see the danger in confiding in their friends about their problems over their significant other. As men, we know that in the Ten Commandments of Arguments with Honey Boo Boo it says, “Thou shall not ever ever EVER call Honey Boo Boo, crazy.” We’ll tell our boys she’s crazy, but we won’t tell her that she’s crazy. Two things come of that; she either pushes you further and further to leaving or you let a behavior fester that is detrimental to everyone involved.

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sad relationship

4. You became boring versions of yourselves – one of the major relationship flaws

This one happens to the best of them. When you first met, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. A few months in and you’re too tired to do anything. You fell in love with each other because of your spontaneity and willingness to always want to try new things, therefore, you can’t stop them once you’re in the relationship. There’s three things you can always look at in order to tell you’ve gotten boring: 1) clothes; 2) time spent; and 3) initiative taken. If you used to dress up when you guys would go on dates, but now you just throw on whatever, that’s a problem. If you no longer have any time to do anything with each other or you place other priorities before quality time, that’s a big problem. Lastly, when you lose that desire to take a proactive approach to your relationship, it’s just about over.

boredom in love

5. Instead of solving problems, you bury them

Have you ever had a huge argument and reveal a significant flaw in your relationship? However, afterwards, instead of talking about the source of the problem or seeking counseling, you thought time would heal all wounds? Yeah, that’s dumb. For example, let’s say you experience cheating in your relationship. You and yours sit down, discuss and agree that one of you is sorry and it will never happen again. Wait! Well, why did it happen in the first place? How does it make both of you feel? If you put that infidelity under the rug and walk away, best believe it will show up again one day. It doesn’t have to be cheating. People avoid their verbally abusive partner or they make allowances for selfishness; in reality, there’s tons of ways we bury or avoid problems than solve them.

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I think it’s perfectly okay for couples not to reveal these flaws in their relationship to the general public or even their small circle of friends. The worst part is when you allow them to continue on in your relationship without a plan to rectify the situation.

What are your thoughts on these five flaws? Have you noticed that sometimes people tend not to share these, even with each other? What are some of yours that you have noticed either in your past relationships or flawed relationships of those in your network?

Today’s Mix, Shake Something by Carver The Great:

– Dr. J


  1. “There’s three things you can always look at in order to tell you’ve gotten boring: 1) clothes;”

    Ouch. That’s me. Then again, it may have more to do with getting old than getting boring.

    “I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.” – Vanessa Bryant

    That is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read in my life. As if making to the NBA in the first place is some minor accomplishment.

    1. You know what, I'm riding with Vanessa on this… ..

      You see this woman endured ALOT being married to Kobe over the years (public humiliation/constantly cheating, etc.) not to mention basically raising those girls by herself while he's away on games and such. If you read the full article — She DOES IT ALL with no help of nannies.

      1. GirlSixx I would feel sorry for Nessa too, but in life we all have choices. She chose to marry him having some idea at the very least of the type of lifestyle she would have and what she would possibly have to deal with. Now she made the choice to marry him, however, she can also make the choice to divorce him, (like she was before when he had that rape charge from the white girl, until he put that big azz yellow canary diamond on her finger). Two wrongs don't make a right, no matter how hard and how much u try to fit the round hole into a square peg.

      2. I think Vanessa aka Ice Queen needs a sit down in my book. This woman by far has it made without doing anything but raising their kids.

        I see women doing what she is doing EVERYDAY, while working (2 jobs), in school, etc. These women are doing it alone.

        She is an enabler. Kobe is not going to stop cheating. He may get better or slow down but he wont stop. Im sure "Ice Queen" knows this. I could go on and on about these two but the train stops here.

        1. You making it seem like raising kids ain't sh**. Sure, most women are doing what she's doing and aren't getting nearly as much financial benefits in return for it, but you can't fault her for being ambitious. She's like a modern day Cleopatra.

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    2. I see nothing wrong with Vanessa's statement. She wants a winner. All that sacrifice and work you should be in a postion to win it all every year. I think she fired shots at LA LA & Carmelo. lol He is the only star in the top of that draft with no ring.

      1. I don't see anything wrong with it either. *eyeroll* at the faux outrage coming from it. She wants what she wants, people need to lighten up. I honestly found the quote hilariously bold.

      2. Thing is Kobe can’t win nothing by his damn self. If the rest of the team doesn’t pull their weight it’s a wrap no matter what Kobe does.

    3. I think you are reading her statement out of context. Same as if you were married to a someone who spent majority of their time at work away from your family. You would want them to get promoted right? Have something to show for the sacrifice?

      1. You're comparing oranges and apples Lara. U can get promoted by your own merit and by yourself. Even if u work as a team on projects if you do exemplary work u can stand out above your teammates and get yourself a promotion. In sports it's totally different. U can give 110% but the fact remains u cannot win in any organized sports all by yourself. Everybody must do their part and make as much of a consorted effort as you do or else u will lose the game. Kobe cannot win any game all by his damn self unless he's playing 1 on 1. Kobe can only control himself, not his teammates. He can motivate them and encourage them just like the coach can, but it's up to them to do the work and play to win. So for her to say Kobe needs to get a ring as if thats something he can control and do all by himself is foolish and makes no sense logically speaking. Plus Kobe is popular and he is a star.

        1. Just as much of his money comes from endorsements and paraphanalia sales as it does his contracts. So regardless of whether he wins or not he's still pullin in millions of dollars and at the end of the day I think thats what she's really there for. I doubt she would be with him if he wasn't "Kobe Bryant pro NBA Baller." From what I understand when he had that rape charge she was almost out the door until he got her that canary diamond ring.
          Also, someone married to someone who worked a regular career and spent a lot of time away for work could Not make a lot of money, but they do what they do because they love it, and for them it's not about the money. The person may not care about a promotion, they're doing what they love. So having something monetary and tangible to show for it is irrelevant to that person.

  2. “We’ll tell our boys she’s crazy, but we won’t tell her that she’s crazy.”

    Because men secretly LOVE crazy.

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  4. i agree with the list, i remember why Vanessa isnt usually allowed to speak, and only thing i’d add is

    6. Sex- ppl make it an awkward topic when it doesnt have to be, be real about it. Lay it out there what you like/dislike, will do/wont do or open to try. Why sacrifice your own pleasure

    1. Cosign on your 6. to the Nth degree Trist. There are too many married folks not happy with their sex life and never had an orgasm….I'm like wtf! I don't understand it. I Never had that problem.

  5. Doc J all these were right on point. Cosign. These are a huge part of why the divorce rate is so high in the U.S. not even just among black people, but everybody.
    Have you noticed that sometimes people tend not to share these, even with each other? Yeah I have noticed that.
    What are some of yours that you have noticed either in your past relationships or flawed relationships of those in your network? My biggest flaw was selfishness and just how I perceived things. I realized in my early 20's that when your in a committed relationship that could possibly lead to marriage the one thing you Cannot be is selfish. This is the root of all evil in relationships. It's also something that most everyone is guilty of and what contributes to the initial breakdown of the relationship and/or marriage.
    I remember my grandmom tellin me when I was a kid that u can't be selfish and expect to have a great marriage. She was one of the most giving and unselfish people I know. Almost always putting other folks needs ahead of her own.

  6. You also cannot be lazy. I think this is also a big problem that I see happening with a lot of couples nowadays. Granted we all can't be "On" 24/7 365. We get tired and have bad days, women have periods and pms and have mood swings and whatever else. However, it goes back to the selfish thing. You can't get lazy on your s/o and still expect them to consistently fulfill all your wants, needs, and desires, and u sit back and take take take. It don't work like that. Sometimes u have to give, even when u don't feel like it. That is Real Unconditional Love.

  7. The material of Kobe's suit matches the rose petals. Vanessa must have really good taste.

    I'm not sure about much of anything these days but I definitely don't want a man who isn't going to go anywhere. I won't say I'll marry for ambition but….I am saying submission to ambitious men is an instinctual understanding. and it feels safer that way. Security. I guess. I really don't know and I haven't put too much thought into it but I'm pretty sure the more accomplished a man the more willing/interested I become. and not even from a golddigger outlook but from 'he is my equal in life' sort of way. The lessons learned. The struggles. The suffering. Black men who are ambitious and accomplished should know what a struggle/suffering is and should be able to know a woman has the right to reap the benefits of his success, as his support system and partner. It's the breath of life. Let me just sit here and inhale you. Men get all offended. lol.

    1. I highly doubt a man would share what he has earned on his own and I highly doubt they'd choose a woman to grow with in life but I can definitely see how these five tips help identify stagnant relationships or a pattern of stagnant relationships.

      1. A sixth one for me is selfishness. A selfish man would create a harmful environment for his wife and children. I wouldn't date or even consider a selfish man. I would dismiss him to scavengers.

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