Home Featured Are There Not Enough Black Men for Women, Or Is That Just an Excuse?

Are There Not Enough Black Men for Women, Or Is That Just an Excuse?

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Do women outnumber men? Yes. Is that the reason why Black people aren’t settling down? Hardly. It took me a minute to come to this conclusion but it was the progression of a thought process I explored a while back. I came up with this theory on how many women there were to men in cities like DC, NYC and Atlanta.

Here’s the initial math:

The current accepted ratio that women outnumber men 6:1 has to factor in a few things because the census data suggests that it’s 3:2. I did some quick thinking and came up with this as the reason for why the numbers may be off. Let’s look at the male population; one of those guys probably doesn’t like women, one is in jail, one of those guys is just a general herb, and regardless of however many women are on the market he doesn’t have a shot at any of them.

Maybe that’s why women outnumber men by so much.

But wait, that’s when I came up with the idea to take a look at the female population.

What the ratio also does not account for is the same dynamics that the male population faces. There’s tons of ways that women are different, just like men are different. While most women think they’re outnumbering us, we can just as easily describe some types of women who level out the playing field by removing themselves from contention.

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What about these three types of women?

She wants a boyfriend more than the actual person

It’s hard to tell a person this to their face, but when someone tells you they want a boyfriend before they tell you they’ve met someone, it’s a sign. I can’t say it’s wrong, but to me, I couldn’t mess with a woman who actually said that out her mouth. I feel like while you may have a list of requirements of the person who will be your significant other, you shouldn’t go searching for the title before the person.

Convinced they can settle down whenever they want

This was the one woman I had never really thought about until I said in a conversation, “Yeah but most dudes want that girl they see up in the club every weekend…” Then I had this epiphany, those women in the club are the WORST. Those are the women who think they can do whatever they want to do in life. They actually don’t want a boyfriend at all. They’re single by choice because why end the fun of being the center of attention every time they leave their house? Men will continue chasing them and they will continue to fail.

Horrible personality flaws that will probably never change

Everybody reaches a point in life where they are very aware of their flaws. We have two choices we can make once we get to that point, we can hide them or we can tell ourselves that anyone who wants us will just have to deal with them. I’m not saying this doesn’t affect both genders, I’m saying that it affects one more a whole lot more than the other. When women meet men with flaws, they tell themselves they can change the man. When men meet women with flaws, they just stay away from the woman. Truth be told, men hide their flaws more than the other gender. My observation is that I look at great women who have one personality flaw that is in need to change. Instead of working to identify or rectify the flaw they say, “If he loves me then he’ll deal with it.” Sadly, that’s just not the way it works.

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More or less, we’re right back at where we started.

We’ve got to start asking the question, are we blaming the numbers or is there really a deficit? I know that at times it seems that we’re in some type of Walking Dead, zombie revolution where Black men and women have started to lose the ability to fall in love. There’s some who aren’t infected yet, but it’s extremely weird. Women think men don’t want a girlfriend, and men think that women aren’t ready to be girlfriends. It’s a weird game of cat and mouse that is silly. Therefore, maybe the number disparity is another excuse like dozens of other reasons why we’re single.

– Dr. J

Comment(63)

  1. I don’t assume that a man who loves me will simple “deal” with my flaws, I just assume that they won’t be one of his deal breakers or one of his pet peeves. Otherwise we just wouldnt work out.

    1. Sadly, My girlfriend and me broke up a month ago. yeah.. i'm young ,handsome,lonely and still hurting.i may be in need of someone to love..still..My friends told me about ===cougarkissing_ C0M=== and i got curious about it.. they met their girlfriends there.,It's the best place to meet a older girlfriend . i cant risk myself..So i got a usename(Qcdude) there in order to find a new girlfriend.is it wrong?Jessica Simpson is fighting the battle of the post-baby bulge, a process she says is slower than she expected.

  2. I think the ” ratio” factor is something the people/ writers use to scare women into buying their relationship books. One thing it doesn’t account for from what I’ve seen is same sex women relationships. Everytime I turn around more and more woman are dating ” studs” or in lesbian relationships. So once you knock them out the box , that factors in a whole new set of numbers.

    I kind of agree with your number one . But I don’t see anything wrong with knowing that a relationship is what you are looking for and stating that up front. Now I think it becomes an issue when you want a bf so bad that basically any man can be ” your man”.

  3. I don't really agree with your #1. It seems that the only time people tell you not to look or express the desire for wanting is when you are seeking a relationship. Looking for a new place? You let everybody know, you even might make a list of amenities you want and location. Looking for a new job? You let everybody in your network know. You request that they pray for you about the interview you have next week. Seek and you shall find, ask and you shall receive, etc, etc…..

    So you shouldn't say you want to be in a relationship just because you aren't seeing anyone? Ehhh…

  4. I don't think there is a shortage on either side. From what "I" have seen, the people that complain about numbers are the ones that can't get they type of mate they want. A lot of people overrate themselves and overlook potential relationships because they are holding out for that ideal person (that most times doesn't even exist).

    For example, a lot of women want the handsome, tall, assertive, alpha male but don't have the qualities – beautiful (in his eyes), in shape/fit, submissive, feminine- to be compatible with a man like that. I know a woman that is around 300 lbs and wants to only be with men that "live in the gym." Come on now….

    1. "From what "I" have seen, the people that complain about numbers are the ones that can't get they type of mate they want."

      Now I don't have to type what I was going to.

      *places official Uncle Hugh stamp of approval*

    2. "I know a woman that is around 300 lbs and wants to only be with men that "live in the gym." Come on now…."

      LMBO! Yeah, she might have a little trouble with that…

    3. "I know a woman that is around 300 lbs and wants to only be with men that "live in the gym." Come on now…. "

      LOL

      Yeah, she's reachin!!! but then again who's to say she may just meet that gym buff who loves rotund women. *Shrug*

      1. @GirlSixx

        Even in 2012, 300lb women confuse the men that might tap it on a desperate night, with men that would actually date them in the day time

      2. Over 300, meet them all the time. Opposites attract, many of the gym buffs DON'T want a HARD body next to them in bed *winks*

    4. "A lot of people overrate themselves and overlook potential relationships because they are holding out for that ideal person (that most times doesn't even exist)."

      and there it is…

      The other problem with the ratios is the comparison of apples to oranges. On the men side they always remove incarcerated, non-college educated, and unemployed. This becomes problematic because someone could have served in the military (which is a LARGE male population), but not be college educated. They are removed from the potential dating pool. Also, they never remove women who are non-college educated and unemployed. Even when sticking to the college educated dating pool, until the last 2-3 years black men out numbered black women. Therefore if you are over 25, there are a higher ratio of college educated men than women.

      People lie with numbers so you can buy their books. Don't believe the hype.

      1. Yeah that's a good point. Women are never removed from the potential dating pool when numbers are thrown at us.

      2. You are so right Ms. V the women that are not counted are the lesbian, non-college educated, in jail, and unemployed women who are left out of this statistical pool of numbers. The black male population is also suffering from a black female shortage as well. I for one have nothing to worry about since I bat for the other team. I know I have contributed to the black male shortage for the black female. Well, but it is what it is.

  5. I don't see the shortage in my personal life but I see it with friends (male and female). And it's really not the numbers that's the problems. It's the fact that everyone wants the best they can get without being honest about what they are bringing to the table.

    1. "I don't see the shortage in my personal life but…"

      I nominate this for the SBM Humble Brag of the Year category, lol. I ain't mad at ya, though…I'm glad at ya!

      1. Ha! I have realistic expectations. A lot of ppl complaining abt the shortage are doing so from their couch while not making themselves available to be seen/approached by their target audience. I am standing in line at the fabric store as I type. It would be ridiculous of me to complain abt a shortage if I spend all of my time at Joanne Fabrics and Hobby Lobby. And if dudes spend all their time at the strip club, yes, there would appear to be a shortage of women who 'read good' and make life decisions that don't lead them to the pole.Sent from my iPhone

        1. Sure. I mean if you want the person whose decision making skills lead them to the pole to be the one who helps shapes the mind of your daughters. It works for some men tho–just none related to me. That said, I give mad props to the chick who gets taken off the pole. But this requires her to quickly recognize the man whose cape is discretely tucked in, assess his ego's needs, and become what he needs her to appear to be.Sent from my iPhone

      1. Oh and ppl love to step out of their lane. I know my lane because it's where I have prospered the most. Does that mean I can't attract men at the Stadium Club? No. And I actually have. But those men haven't been of the 'tax paying' variety. So Stadium isn't my lane.Sent from my iPhone

    2. You are so right Ms. Smart the women that are not counted are the lesbian, non-college educated, in jail, and unemployed women who are left out of this statistical pool of numbers. Yeah so true one must examine themselves first before seeking. I have and got just what I deserve.

  6. I COMPLETELY understand the concern associated with your #1, Dr. J.

    Saying that you're looking for the right partner to link up with in a serious relationship is one thing (only entertaining potential candidates). Working to make every decent man you come across your boyfriend is totally different…and I've seen these women. The "who" is not as important as the "what". They will force a square peg into a round hole for the sake of having a boyfriend. Every nice gesture is interpreted by her as a move he's making to lock her down…which may not be the case. She's careless with her heart…getting too deep too quick. She does too much too soon.

    I can see men being leery of this cause they want to know she's really moved by being with "him"…not by being with "a man".

  7. Yes, there is. As early as 1890, Dubois had documented the effects of the low sex ratio in the black community. “As Du Bois found in his research in Philadelphia, sex ratios this low lead to a lower incidence of married males (1899). Asmales choose to “play the field” instead of marrying, women find themselves in a position of having to compete, often sexually, for scarce male affections (Barber, 2000)(Paderson, 1991). Women lower their qualifications for what constitutes an acceptable partner and then lower their qualifications again regarding what constitutes an acceptablelevel of commitment before engaging in sexual relations”
    http://emory.academia.edu/NatalieDeckard/Papers/1

    1. *I meant yes as in women do outnumber men. Reading about the effects of the low sex ratio will open your eyes.

      1. lol yeah. That was a bit much. I’m just used to it because of school. And I’ve researched this topic for papers I’ve written, so it’s kinda ingrained it me to provide sources and such lol.

  8. I think comedian Gary Owen said it best in his HBO Stand-up.

    He first started dating black women because when he tried to talk to white women they didn’t want him. He did try though. Black women were hollerin at him, and they were the ones that wanted him.

    So, he used the common sense God gave him and went with the women that wanted him. Thats how it started with him dating only black women.

    I think if more people wanted the people who wanted them, there would be a whole lot less complaining and discussion topics.

      1. Ms. Smart if your not ever getting chosen then something is seriously wrong.
        I believe there is truly somebody for everybody. No matter what u look like or your
        personality type, there is someone out there that will want you.

  9. I swear every time I hear someone (usually a woman from my experience) talk about the numbers its always the same nonsense. Gay men, DL men, men that date other races, etc. The easy way to shut them up is to simply flip the same thing they used. Gay women, DL women, women that date other races, etc…It usually doesn't work coming from a guy though but if a woman says it then it sinks in somehow.
    My recent post Murci, Murci Me

  10. real girls aint never perfect; perfect girls aint real *drizzy voice*

    i think what it boils down to is men taking what the defense is giving them, while women are steadily living and dying by their failing strategy, they’re like the NY Jets (its never too early for football analogies). They are afraid to try something different, the nerd, the introvert, the heavy brother, the mechanic etc, they rather chase the ninjas that are well aware of their high demand in the dating market and will exploit accordingly.

    1. while women are steadily living and dying by their failing strategy, they're like the NY Jets (its never too early for football analogies).

      LMAO. Never too early

      Isn't depressing how I am just hoping the Jets somehow weasel their way into the playoffs like the Giants did last year. Logic tells me they are a 6 – 10 team. As least Tebow will start at some point.

    2. I agree but who would not want the mechanic? someone who will love the peaches and shake the tree? just a blue-collar mechanic fantasy of mine and some other individuals as well.

  11. It's cool the readily accepted statistic is 6:1 because those are the numbers I pull out of thin air in such conversations. Lets use that photo. five females. If I were a male they would only cause a thirst to dominate them in my phases of bachelorhood. One woman would dominate the other five so the actual ratio is one well rounded woman to one completely distracted male. Personally, I imagine a lasso pulling the five of them from the room. Being single is a given. You aren't *married* because you aren't focused on pleasing one well rounded woman.

    She wants a boyfriend more than the actual person: I've been in the mood the last couple weeks and plus I need someone to help get me through these next couple of years. When I feel overwhelmed I start testing submission to who a person is and his particular masculinity because I need someone to feel like what's best for me in terms of permamnent decisions. For that reason, I acknowledge you and deem you the man of my life. I'm slightly confused about it and I'm even less certain I know who's best for me but I don't think a boyfriend is going to cut it.

    1. "My observation is that I look at great women who have one personality flaw that is in need to change." odd way to put it. Five out of six women may be okay with that. I don't deal with critical men and I'm particular about who's welcome in my space. When I want to belong to a man I will take it upon myself to let him know; if you want me I'm available to you. When I'm feeling like baby bunny, experienced hunter, slowly put yourself in a position of dominance. Slowly. Who I am as a woman is who I am as a woman. I've held myself to a higher standard than you so just walk me through your preferences. I'll already know of my duties to perform and depending on how you make me feel as a woman I'll show you 90% flawlessness, 95% flawlessness or 99% flawlessness. It will always be to your preference. What's leftover is organic human nature or me cutting myself a break. This is substantial commitment for both of us. I am not your girlfriend. I am a woman who can be trusted as gatekeeper to your home life, your offspring, your estate and your legacy. Treat me as such and it's smooth sailing.

  12. The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. ~Alvin Toffler

    I will have to piggyback off of Tristan. The Hamster in BW is real.

    Black Men are adjusting to this Post-whatever era we are in, husbands. players, video games, P*rn, Brazil & DR (Judo! Dr. Jay). Riding around & gettin it.

    Some Black Women are winning out there in being Wives, mistresses, and/or jumpoffs (it is not the title, but knowing your lane, embracing your lane, then flourishing in your lane, *2K12 analogy*) but the rest (especially the 30+ & overweight) are delusion and even if they reproduce, their children will find a way to weed themselves out of existence

  13. Your #1 is a bit confusing. I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman desiring a relationship or voicing that. I'm just curious on why that's an issue for you? I'm just tryna get a different perspective here.

    1. I think I see what Dr. J means by that point. Some women are more concerned about being in a relationship or having a boyfriend than the actual quality of the man. For example, some women will date a guy who they know they're not that into or they're not that compatible with, because they're simply in pursuit of a "boyfriend." For these women, the goal is to have a boyfriend. Period. It doesn't matter how amazing (or not) the person is. They just want to be able to say they have a boyfriend. That's my take on it. There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting a boyfriend. It becomes a problem when you make the title more important than the person.

  14. I definitely think its an excuse but that doesnt mean men dont like having options. There is always someone for everyone. Now it may be a little harder for women in those areas because the thirst for a nice, wholesome man is strong. But by no means should any woman AGREE to be the other chick.

    *Thinking* Now only if men were two to one. 🙂

  15. Actually his article didn't say anything! The Facts are the facts on Black males and they look bad. From lack of education, unemployment, marginal, Absentee Fathers, don't know how to treat women, live off women, Runs to adultery or cheats all the time, has too many OOW babies, poor credit, poor health the lists are long!

    I read the paper every week and I'm issued a "Death Sentence" for dating a black man and many black males are apathetic towards black women and children while only uplifting WW/Non Black races of women.

    My solution: I"m not lowering my standards and I opened my options! I'm not willing to work with Black males who don't measure up, I rather leave and abandon them like they abandon black women and children.

    I am the new Educated Black woman and I'm not taking Mr. Marginal after I worked hard and Black man wants to live off men, disrespect me and they uplift the next margijnal White whore after he gets situated.

    The investment in Black males do'n't pay off long term. I White woman or another race will reap the benefits white Black males try to take what you've worked hard for and earned!

    Sorry, I can invest in Black men when it comes to a relationship based on your history and actions! You don't care about Black women and children and ithose negative stats show us how little you care!

  16. Actually his article didn't say anything! The Facts are the facts on Black males and they look bad. From lack of education, unemployment, incarcerated, marginal, Absentee Fathers, don't know how to treat women, live off women, don't marry, Rape and molest young girls, Hustlers, Thugs, Runs to adultery/cheats all the time, too many OOW babies, poor credit, poor health the lists are long as well as negative

    I read the paper every week and I'm issued a "Death Sentence" for dating a black man and many black males are apathetic towards black women and children. They won't hesitate to uplifting WW/Non Black races of women over the own. They refuse to get together to change their Plight!

    My solution: I"m not lowering my standards for any Black men! I' don't want to see their Potential especially after 25 or 30 years old; simply put MOST not all Black males don't measure up. I''ve decided to do what Black men do; " cut my loss and run from their drama and irresponsible lives! Black males rarely appreciate when women help them and feel entitled to disrespect them or do as they please! I see this all the time! So a woman lowering her standards doesn't work!

    I am the new Educated Black woman and I'm not taking Mr. Marginal Black man after I worked hard and wants to live off me, disrespect me and then they uplift the next margijnal White whore after he gets situated based on skin color alone!

    The investment in Black males do'n't pay off long term., look around you!

    White woman or another race will reap some benefits from Black males but most Black men "Use and live off, always try to "Get over on Black women" . They don't believe you deserve anything even if you worked for it!

    Sorry, I can invest in Black men when it comes to a relationship!!!

    Based on your collective history and actions! You don't care about Black women and children and ithose negative stats show us how little you care! So I'm not sticking with No Black males and feel entitled to date/marry outside the race.

    I encourage all Black women to never settle for many of these Sorry Black males! Jjust look around you and the truth is in your face, Black men use Black women when they down and out, when they get something they leave after they used and abused you!

    1. @Dee

      How is it interesting that non-BW have no problem finding Black Men to commit to him, and Black women like yourself find yourself with all the deadbeat loser Black males. Says more about you, then it does about black men.

      Black men are so varied, that if you want a particular type, you can find him, even near perfect alpha males. But like women, we are ENTITLED to leverage our attractiveness to get as many, or commit to one high caliber female.

      Solution: Go get that White Boy & Get Over Yourself

  17. Why try to go for black women only? Its the 21st Century, go out and date whatever you like! Its the "Human" Race after all, skin color is irrelevant.

  18. Good blog post! I listened to the show on the radio while on the road back to ATL. Another big issue in Atlanta is that men are SPOILED ROTTEN and can afford to be because there are so many women! The numbers really do matter! If a woman has standards and chooses not to be ONE of his women, he quickly and easily finds another who WILL. And let's not even talk about the married men who claim to be single… Atlanta is big enough to live two lives. We single women have to watch the signs and carry our own condoms, that is if we don't choose celibacy first. Just sayin'!

  19. My pool is small but I do alright. Being an atheist doesn't help but I'm not converting for a date. I don't want kids either. White more than Black/Latino men seem to be cool with that. Not too many black moms want a heathen who isn't going to give her any grand kids for a daughter in law anyway.

  20. I vehemently disagree with #2!

    Just because a girl is in the club regularly does not mean that she falls into this category. Im 24, I have a really good career, no kids, i work hard, in decent shape, and i am definitely single by choice. My friends- who are similar to me, decide to go out very frequently- paying our own way..unless if someone offers- but we arent waiting for that! Granted the attention feels good, but it doesnt mean we arent ready to settle down. Being in a relationship is not, and frankly should not, be a priority. We have goals that are within our control that we want to reach- so we would rather focus on those than wait around for Mr Whoever!

    Feel free to clarify it, maybe i didnt understand the context

  21. Black women will hate me for saying this. It doesn't matter what education level you attain or the job you have. If you are fat you take yourself out of contention. No woman feels they are obese. It doesn't matter what city you live in its plenty of big women out there. Unfortunately for men the women that are taking care of business in this world are often the over weight women.

  22. thousands more african american male children are born than african american females. there are more females than males because african american males die at higher rates during infancy, during their developing years, and during adulthood.

    maybe someone can analyze why that is and you might get closer to understanding the real problem.

  23. There are plenty of good black men not in the streets that handle business. Brothers are going to college trying to make a better way. A lot of these brothers are in your presence (and your phones). You keep FRIENDZONING Him. Good brothers get passed up everyday hoping to meet a good black woman. He is passed over cause he ain’t in the streets or has grown tired of the streets. There isn’t a shortage you to scared to put your neck out and go for him. Women chase men as much we chase them. Be woman enough to go get your man. Quit being so damn shy. I didn’t say be desperate. Some women haven’t been schooled on attracting a male properly.

  24. I am so glad someone is telling it like it is. Because there are DL women, gay women, women in jail, uneducated and unemployed women who are also a part of these statistical numbers.

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