Although we have expanded our topic coverage, we always welcome reader questions, comments, and feedback here at SBM. You can check out our SBM Mail series here for past submissions, and you can submit your own inquiries using the Contact Us page. Today’s reader explains:
My question..and a topic I would like to see written about is what it means to be a good man versus good boyfriend/husband. This questions stems from the following situation:
I have a friend who is married. While, in general, I consider her man (as well as anyone else that knows him) to be “a good man,” this means something completely different to his wife/my friend. She knows he’s “good”..especially considering he loves her and he isn’t a player, broke-down, fathering random babies, and all the other negative stuff you hear so often. However, good boyfriend/husband?
She feels that she gives and gives and gives in the relationship. She is the organizer, the planner, the money manager, the house fixer-uper, the health-conscious one. She would like him to pick up some of the slack because she’s tired of always carrying…um..of taking care of things. I doubt he is completely oblivious because she is a direct person and I know she has requested things of him time and time again. Change is only temporary though. It seems he is satisfied (he’s going to eat and he’s going to get sex) and therefore not concerned about her concerns.
Are men really this simple (no offense). I mean in the sense that, this is all it takes to make them happy (food/sex) and so perhaps they feel like women in the relationship will be happy too?
I find this issue is rarely addressed. There is talk about “good and decent” men and how rare they are…but then within that, how many know how to prioritize and give in a relationship (i.e., keeping a competitive-edge above the rest even once in the relationship). She’d like some flowers…She’d like to feel like he’s concerned about losing her, she’d like him to take the lead on some fundamental things dating/married folks should be concerned about (namely, the future…lol).
Women, girlfriends, wives get tired and burnt out from trying to make everything perfect all the time…but it’s second nature (I’m generalizing). Then, when you are worn and give up on hoping he will change and meet you half way, then people look at you like you are crazy for eventually walking away from that “good man.” Cause, “that was a good man!” Is that a crazy thing to do if you’re not happy? Please help. Is there any advice to men about how to be concerned about possibly losing their girls/wives and how if they have a good woman, they can/should try just as hard to make things perfect in the relationship (understanding of course that nothing is perfect)? Does this even matter anymore or do men think women should simply be satisfied that they “have a good man”?
Sidebar: My friends I’m referring to are grad-school educated Black folks in their twenties together about 6-7 yrs and married for about half of those yrs.
Before we begin, I should clarify that when it comes to people I generally think finding a good man/woman is fairly easy. I can probably randomly step outside right now and find 7 out of 10 decent human beings. Thus, in my opinion, it isn’t saying much to say you’ve found a good man or woman. This should be the minimal requirement. When it comes to relationships, I believe the true challenge is in finding someone you’re compatible with, because forever is a long time. Within the above story, there are three main questions.
1. Are men really this simple (no offense). I mean in the sense that, this is all it takes to make them happy (food/sex) and so perhaps they feel like women in the relationship will be happy too?
No offense taken because the short answer is, “Yes.” The longer answer is although men need more than food and sex to maintain their happiness, whatever their happiness requires, it is generally at a lesser threshold than most women. This is not a diss, it is a general observation proving only that men and women are different. This isn’t to say you can’t keep a man happy or you can’t keep a woman happy, because as (some) married people demonstrate every day, you can.
Using the very example you provided, food/sex is a good start for most men, and for some, it’s both the start and the finish line. I would argue this isn’t the case for most women. This means that men need to do a better job of understanding what makes and keeps their woman happy, since it does not necessarily align with their vision of what defines happiness. Admittedly, women seem to have a better understanding of what makes a man happy, so much so, that they are willing to go out of their way to find even more ways to make him happy. This is how magazines like Cosmopolitan can claim to find several hundred different ways to please your man each month; whereas, if you asked the average man, his list would maybe be five things long.
2. I find this issue is rarely addressed. There is talk about “good and decent” men and how rare they are…but then within that, how many know how to prioritize and give in a relationship (i.e., keeping a competitive-edge above the rest even once in the relationship). She’d like some flowers…She’d like to feel like he’s concerned about losing her, she’d like him to take the lead on some fundamental things dating/married folks should be concerned about.
I agree. However, most people I know become complacent by nature. I know people don’t like to compare relationships to work, but I would have to ask – as many of you read this on your work computer (or phone while at work) – how hard you worked on your first day compared to how hard you are working today? I’m sure the same can be said for marriage. Both parties have to keep things fresh to inspire the best in each other.
This may also relate to one’s personality. I have no way of knowing if this man ever bought flowers, was extremely affectionate, or if he ever lead “on some fundamental things” before he became her husband. It might be less about him changing into the man she wants, and more about him never being that man in the first place. This goes back to my point on compatibility.
A good man does not automatically guarantee a good husband. On the bright side, if he really is a good man then it is likely he will aspire to be a good husband – as you define it. Keep in mind, what you see as a good husband and what he sees as his role as a good husband may not be the exact same thing. Hopefully the void between the two isn’t too large. Giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, I’ll assume she assessed him on both the independent merits of being a good man and his potential for being a good husband, and somewhere along the way he began to fall short of the latter.
3. Is there any advice to men about how to be concerned about possibly losing their girls/wives and how if they have a good woman, they can/should try just as hard to make things perfect in the relationship (understanding of course that nothing is perfect)? Does this even matter anymore or do men think women should simply be satisfied that they “have a good man”?
I’m not sure what pre-emptive advice I can offer men about losing their girls/wives. Honestly, most men don’t change until they are literally faced with the idea of losing their girls/wives. I believe offering advice to a man about losing his woman is common sense. Conceptually, we all know if we don’t do right by our significant others we could lose them, but if they never go anywhere in reality it tends to negate this fear. Using the job analogy from above, it’s like saying we all know we could lose our job, but if the threat of layoff never appears is it really a concern you have each and every day? Do you approach your job each day as if it could be your last if you don’t put forth your best effort? Every now and then we need to be reminded we can lose that we love and/or need in our lives in order to remember how important it is to us. How you go about conveying this is up to you.
To answer the second part of your question, I don’t think (most) men believe “women should simply be satisfied that they “have a good man.” I do, however, believe that most men assume that if they’re happy then their woman must be happy too. This is obviously not always the case. As the saying goes, “If men marry women with the hope they will never change, and women marry men with the hope they will change, invariably they will both be disappointed.”
Judging by the temporary changes in his behavior that you alluded to, it is clear that the man and woman in this particular scenario do not agree on the problem. Even if they do, they clearly do not agree on the seriousness of the problem. I can’t speak to how serious a problem your friend finds this to be, but it does seem that her husband does not agree. This means she has either not successfully conveyed to him how much it bothers her or he disagrees it is even that big of an issue – through insensitivity or misunderstanding.
As a man, I would want the opportunity for my wife to explain the issues in a way where I understand the importance of each individual issue. This way, even if I don’t agree with how important it is to me, at least I can better understand how she feels about the issue and adjust my actions accordingly. On the other hand, if there is a personality trait of mine she doesn’t like – such as not leading like the example given in the story – then that will be something that will take longer for me to change (assuming I can). I’m not going to wake up after 30 years of not being a “leader” and suddenly jump into the reigns of a leader simply because that’s what you prefer.Other changes, like buying flowers, etc. can be corrected much easier.
The key is to clearly convey your expectations without overwhelming me, which may (rightly or wrongly) simply come off as nagging if you lump every complaint you’ve ever had about me into one speech. If it can be framed in a way where I can see us working as a team to organize, plan, money manage, fix-up the house, and be health-conscious then I’ll be far more likely to make permanent changes and work towards this joint goal. It is also key to keep in mind that everything you deem “important” isn’t as important to me. Importance is itself subjective. You are not the authority on the subject and neither am I, so there has to be some give and take and a balance should be struck. If you try to tell a fully grown independent thinking adult what to do, how to do it, and the only “right” way to do it is your way, then they are going to check out and you’ll be right back at square one. Hopefully, the discussion can be framed in a way that shows a mutual benefit for both parties. Over time, he should realize that simply making you happy begets more happiness for him (in the form of more food and sex, just kidding, sorta).
This will not be an overnight change but it shouldn’t take forever either – and frankly, small reminders may be necessary because you have to remember they are changing their natural responses to better please you. People, of both sexes, will respond better to positive praise at efforts made rather than chastises for every mistake along the way, even if it is a mistake that has already been discussed. Even as adults, sometimes we have to appreciate the baby steps we make.
Fellas, what are your thoughts on these topics? Why do we fall off over time? What are some ways women have successfully communicated what they wanted from you in a relationship without you considering it as nagging? Do you think it’s fair for us to be expected to make permanent changes or do women need to give us gentle reminders from time to time?
Ladies, have you ever dated a ‘good man’ that turned out to be a bad boyfriend/husband? What were some of the warning signs you wished you had looked out for? Or how did you use his potential as a good man to help make him a good/better partner over time?
Speak on it!
Man or woman, just because your a good person doesn’t grantee that you will be a good partner to a particular person. To me being a good man is just the basics for you being a good bf/ husband it doesn’t automatically make you a shoe in for a certain person. It’s like when you fill out a job applications and it’s says all applicants must have a bachelors degree, nine times out of ten most of the people have the degree that’s why they applied, it’s what special about them that makes them stand out. Samething with dating if the basic requirement is a man being ” a good man” then he has to have something else that’s going to make you pick him out of the pack of good ones.
I think women get caught in the situation described above because women are taught that men aren’t perfect so we take what we think is as close to good as good is going to get even if it’s not what we really want or even resemble what we want. Men are taught to go for as close to perfection as possible. Of course as we get older we know one is perfect but that doesn’t stop men from trying.
I hope her friend can fix the problem with her husband. She’s going to have to be patient and understanding. Meaning not yelling or getting frustrated because he doesn’t get the taking the lead thing right on the first go round. People only change if they want to if he wants to be that man that she wants he’ll change and if he does’nt then I think she should leave and not waste anymore time. It almost sounds like she signed up for one thing but somehow expected that she would get something else.
Cosign Smilez. Folks hardly ever problem solve from the root of the problem and wonder why they have issues.
If getting flowers, and not being taken for granted is this important to her she should've studied that aspect of her husband while they were dating. If he used to be "that man" when they were dating she should've let him know, what u start u need to keep up. Everything your doing for me now, I will expect the same and then some during our marriage. To me it's a no brainer that if u know the things that make a person happy, you do them because it makes that person happy and you love that person and u do them out of love.
Another thing is, the things we're most passionate about we give our all til the very end. For instance, if your passionate about your career and u really love what u do and it's something you love so much that you would do it for free, then you absolutely do put in just as much effort after doing it for 5 or 10 years, as you did on your first day. The "newness" never wears off of the things your most passionate about. If anything your excitement increases. So I think many times, even though we like to think it is, the level of love isn't always what it should be in our relationships and marriages. This contributes to a person being likely to get lazy and take you for granted and not do the "little things" to make you happy. They simply aren't excited and passionate about you. Men have different ways than women of showing their love and affection.
Many men can't comprehend the need for women to get flowers, and attention all the time, and gifts and what not if they feel like what they're doing is enough, or more than enough.
Bottom line is this, if this man loves this woman deeply and passionately enough and truly wants her to be happy and satisfied and is not a selfish person, he will put her needs and wants first and give her what she wants and needs to be happy with him.
If he doesn't, then he won't and she can either take it or leave it.
Putting a woman's need first is the definition of a male doormat.
Take her needs into consideration but don't make your needs any less important than hers.
Doomsday not saying u be a doormat and ignore your needs, however, there are times when your s/o's needs and wants ahead of your own, just like you do with your child. There are times you may go without something, just so your s/o can have.
And as you put that persons needs first, so should they do the same for you. Thats a given.
This post brings to mind some of the things people post on Facebook such as: "If someone shows you who they are, believe them" and "Never treat someone as a priority if they treat you like an option". If your friend feels that she is not with a ride-or-die type of guy, then she should move on and search for the guy who does everything that she requires. There is a woman out there that would make your friend's husband do all the right things without being asked. Maybe it isn't your friend.
There is a woman out there that would make your friend's husband do all the right things without being asked. Maybe it isn't your friend.
This is key, right here. This is why I think dwelling on how someone could be all of this and that with the next person is wasted time because it doesn't mean they loved or respected the next person more, it just means those two people's personalities come together better, if that makes sense.
I agree Amos….thos quotes are Tha Truth.
I think sometimes men may fall off because we can get complacent and comfortable. That happens , but I think that is why communication is very key to sustaining a long and healthy relationship. Also, I am curious to know whether this couple attended marriage counseling to actually talk about things that are and are not working with either a professional or pastor? That can be one way to help with what's going on because you would get an unbiased view of the relationship. Also, you may get some ideas or tips on how to work on those things the wife is looking for. No one is perfect and everything is not going to be right all the time, but I do think getting a view point from a marriage counselor would definitely help.
I do think there is a lot of assuming going on rather than introspection and observation as folks date. I think to assume that a man would be a good mate because he is a good person is faulty thinking indeed. Relationships take work. Good relationships take a lot of work. Great ones take even more than that. A good person is not necessarily a good communicator. A good person is not necessarily a good provider. A good person is not necessarily a fully involved parent. And so on.
Do you think it’s fair for us to be expected to make permanent changes or do women need to give us gentle reminders from time to time?
It depends on what needs to change. In this case, she feels like she is doing everything. He might be negligent in his responsibilities; usually health and house maintenance are typically husband roles .
I'm no marriage counselor, but this would be my advice so both of them can see each other's point of view. She wrote, "She is the organizer, the planner, the money manager, the house fixer-uper, the health-conscious one." She did not write down what she thinks he actually does do. They both need to write down what they believes he does, then compare notes. He might be slacking and needs to be more of a "leader". It could also be that she doesn't realize that just because she is doing a lot of work, that he isn't. But when the issues are written down, in black and white, they can take an objective look at their marital issues, then determine if he's really slacking, or if she's being unreasonable.
Fellas, what are your thoughts on these topics? Why do we fall off over time?
Part of it is complacency. Sometimes when we get into a relationship, it's like buying a new car. Once we have it and the new-car smell is gone, we forget there is maintenance that needs to be done, or the car will not last. The other part is we stay the same while she has changed and has new demands.
Exactly….with many things in life, once the "newness" wears off we slowly over time, lose interest and excitement.
i think the reason “good men” dont always work in relationships is because they dont see any incentive to change. It takes humility to open yourself up to woman, let her take a look inside and tell you what’s not so great about you, not too many men have that humility. Especially confident, good on paper men who never so much as been dumped before.
Why do we fall off over time?
I think its more on misplaced expectations, he was who he was when he married her
What are some ways women have successfully communicated what they
wanted from you in a relationship without you considering it as nagging?
Umm…pass *plays Kanye “Cant tell me nothng”
Do you think it’s fair for us to be expected tomake permanent changes or do women need to give us gentle reminders from time to time?
It depends on the change, it has to be something you want to do first in that case shes not changing you shes supporting. Also i think no one wants to be reminded what they have to do over and over again.
lol. I love my role as " …organizer, the planner, the money manager…the health conscious one…" and I thoroughly enjoy the ins and outs of the effort that goes into maintaining a household; beyond that, the business aspect (which has its own menutia). I love submersion in such a process but I didn't realize "…women get tired and burnt out…" and AS a woman, I had such pride in exceptional performance. to suddenly have fatigue and all that comes with it, the crash, the genuine feelings of honest to God weakness and helplessness. I already feel (terrified) some kind of way about it and all I know for sure about life is that I "…will respond better to positive praise and efforts made rather than criticisms at every mistake along the way." It's the equivalent of showing me my life is worthless because I'm human. and in being human Sunday afternoon was my personal breaking point.
It was the awkward moment I realized I can't actually lift my future, and much like I can't bench press more than my own body weight…..*watching men work out. sees a 180lb. dude benching 240. Wonders how come I'm scared of 100lbs….*considerate albeit side eye*…….having someone carry me as I pass out would be AWESOME. I just wanna know that for all my trust and faith in you and for my personal allowance of intimacy when I feel maybe sorta slightly like I absolutely need your help, that it will be the equivalent of a box of feathers and water bottles. That's all I ask. Sling me into your arms while I sob and gurgle and feel your biceps; care for me around the clock until I'm all better, ensure I'm healthy about it; be positive and supportive and understanding; balanced and neutral (please stop looking at me like I'm a pansy. Thanks); cheery and upbeat. Let me dry heave my tears because you're my hero.
This is your temporary role and beyond that, be the access to what I envision on this entertwined journey. I'm our organizer — get us fireproof filing systems. and trust me, they have to be fireproof. I'm the planner — I need tools: books, supplies, planners, cards, portfolios, etc. etc. Make the process effortless and take care of it for me. I'm the money manager — be above water and gimme some resources to work with. Give me the space and freedom to do what I do and you be our money generating phenomena. Spontaneity is a bonus. Know my likes, my tastes, what makes me giggle and coo and compute them into your actions. Know tat I like snowshoe kittens and husky puppies and toads and globes, Brazilian wood, deep ocean artifacts. That once upon a time I had pipe dreams. pay attention. Yeah, you're carrying me for now but after the fact be the Iron Man to my Pepper. The Harvey Spector to my Donna. Be the man to my woman. Two completely different forms of being who complete a union when put together.
And you're married?
Very few women do not like to proverbially carry a household, ESPECIALLY when a able-bodied man is present
As a NYC BM who observes & reads & has not & is not looking for a serious relationship, I still feel like I can see relationships more clearer than 95% of American people.
Did her husband have a strong father in his life? One that handled a household or did his father see his mother handle everything?
I commend ole girl for getting into a marriage & being someone's wife, but this might be the best she can do as far as marriage is concerned, and might have to continue carrying the load (even though she might stray.)
She defined a good man as a man as "not a player, and not fathering random children, & not broke-down". You do realize that with whoever you date, there will be TRADE-OFFs. And add to the fact that people are not coming from strong two-parent households, the tradeoffs will become more pronounced.
So, if a guy is a good man (meaning that he decides to commit & focus on one woman & family.) he might not be the most attractive (or in your case, willing to do the heavy lifting). And if a man is very attractive, he might not decide to be good.
Also, I also believe this woman is not evaluating her market status. Is this man easily replacable. If so, then maybe you need to replace him. If not, then you are taking him for granted & need to stop complaining to your friend.
Yep, and Yep. I spent many years with an awesome, "salt-of-the-earth" kinda dude…that was plumb horrible at relationships.
What I should have done was paid better attention to his history and acted accordingly. For example, I joke often that I have "Relationship Aspergers" because I am very slow to catch onto things relations-wise. The reason? There are literally NO married people in my immediate family. Mom-not married, G'ma-divorced, Dad- rolling stone, Uncles-not married, Aunts-divorced. God's honest truth I have NEVER, EVER seen how love works on a day-to-day level in a relationship or marriage structure until I was in one, which made for some really hard lessons over the years. My mistake was not adjusting for the fact that MANY people share my history. To me that's why so many men have complete confidence in their ability to be parents, just not husbands. They know what good parenting looks like, because they had at least one good parent. They have a template. Too many of us do not have a template for love, and thus have to navigate blind-and that, for some people, may be too much.
"Too many of us do not have a template for love, and thus have to navigate blind-and that, for some people, may be too much."
Amaris you hit the nail on the head with this. Many people have not seen on a daily basis really good strong and long lasting relationships. Even if a relationship lasted long, it wasn't a good one, and if anything it taught that person what not to do.
I will give my family this much, they taught me a lot about problem solving. I come from a family of pretty good problem solvers. Problem solving has always been my strong-suit. That being said, no matter how great of a person you are and how much formal education you have, if your not good at problem solving on a basic level, you will have some issues in your life, particularly with regards to love and relationships. In fact this is the main reason why folks need therapy in the first place, they can't problem solve on their own. Everything a therapist does we are capable of doing ourselves. It's just a skill many people unfortunately don't learn or don't learn to do well.
I can guarantee that this man did not suddenly stop doing things once he got married. Much of the things she is complaining about she was more than likely already doing before they were married and then, in her head, expected things to change once she got a ring..
Someone above mentioned something very important. She mentioned all the things that she feels she is doing but what we don’t have is a list of what he things he does in comparison.
Yeah, I don't think any of this is new either, but maybe the load wasn't as heavy when they were just dating and not sharing a space etc.
HELLO! Thank you for saying what I was thinking!
The advice I was given from a happily married woman of 25+ years: "start how you want to finish." If you were doing all the cooking, cleaning, and basically running the show beforehand, that's the role you fell into. If and when I do get married, I refuse to be someones maid, personal assistant, and mother. Not only should he be a good man but a responsible adult!
That is gospel truth advice – for men marriage is "protection and providing" for women marriage is "cooking, cleaning, nurturing, child rearing, etc" women spoil men in the beginning to get to marriage and then change the script once married. It isn't easy nor is it fair. You have to know yourself and know your partner. You can't change anyone — only hope that they will adapt and grow as time progresses. This was a great post!
I don't think this couple is married. I think this woman is a woman who is doing what she can to be perfect and give him incentive to marry her (she mentions getting him to "think of the future"), but he is not. So she doesn't know whether it's wise to advise her friend to stay put because things are "good" and "he's a good man", even though she's exhausted and he's not making any steps to make her happy (i.e. get married), because HE'S already happy. That's the main elephant in the room that it seemed like the was indirectly addressing.
And I don't think there's any way around that. For a large majority of men, they prefer to "enjoy the ride" of a good relationship, and "let things happen naturally", and don't have the same constant urge to PROGRESS FORWARD. Why move forward when things are awesome? That's what they think. But a lot of women think, "If things are so awesome, why can't we get married? Why am I stuck working so hard as a gf, feeling like I'm auditioning to be a wife, with him putting off taking on the roles of a husband?" That CAN get tiring, because it sounds like she feels unappreciated. If marriage is the only way she will feel her work is worth it, then she needs to just have an honest, open conversation with him about it. If he can do OTHER things, beside marriage, to appreciate her, then she should tell him about those.
Basically, NO ONE is psychic. No need for blow ups or ultimatums or long periods of resentment. I know it's scary to have this conversation with a good man you don't want to lose and maybe even want to marry, because you're scared addressing it directly may scare him away, but you still have to have it, to prevent problems down the line. Be yourself, which isn't constantly working to please him and wants a little give and take.
I'm in the group of folks that thinks he didn't just fall into this behavior.
The worse thing any man or woman in a relationship can do is not speak up when you have a problem. The earlier you do it, the better. Not that you should be nit-picking and aiming for perfection. But, if you KNOW you prefer to follow a man's lead in specific areas…or partner with a man in major decisions…or have a man take the lead on "man projects" around the house, any behaviors that counter that should be observed and discussed from the jump. You shouldn't even give certain relationship habits an opportunity to form.
For example, I'm independent…and I'm constantly in a hurry. I hate waiting. I like to get things done. Chivalry is alive and well in my bf. Its the way he shows care and concern to women…not just me. So my walking ahead of him, grabbing my own doors, carrying my own bags, not caring which side of the sidewalk I'm walking on, etc. was a HUGE problem for him…while we were dating. He discussed it with me THEN. We got it straight…then. Our relationship wouldn't have progressed to where it is now if we hadn't got certain things (on both sides) in order. We're together because the relationship works for both of us.
Sweet jeebus thank you for not stopping at doors just because you feel they should be opened for you. You want to go in just like I do lol.
My recent post Murci, Murci Me
SN: I had that same issue w/ my guy… its so cute when there are like two or three doors and he's rushing to open them all 🙂
"You shouldn't even give certain relationship habits an opportunity to form." My sentiments exactly Cyn.
Ladies, have you ever dated a ‘good man’ that turned out to be a bad boyfriend/husband? What were some of the warning signs you wished you had looked out for? Or how did you use his potential as a good man to help make him a good/better partner over time?
Yes I have dated men who I didn't think would make good husbands for me, and this is part of the reason why I've never been married.
I simply asked questions and got answers. I asked them how they felt about doing certain things long-term, I listened to the type of men they clearly told me they were, I paid attention to what they said and took it for what it was worth. I had in depth discussions about marital roles and what they wanted and expected in a wife. I was honest with the men I dated and myself in ascertaining what I could and could not live with for the rest of my life. I was also mindful of the type of woman I am and if I would be good for that particular man. If I knew I wouldn't be able to make a happy and completely satisfied most of the time long-term I was honest and let them know that I wasn't the right woman for them. I don't believe in trying to change people, I take them as they are and expect the same in return.
I have experienced in my family and amongst friends good, strong, long-lasting marriages. From them I've learned it's simply a matter of what u choose to deal with and accept and live with, and what u don't.
I also learned that u have to "pick your battles." Sometimes things aren't as important as you think they are and you miss the big picture. So sometimes you have to re-adjust your priorities. This is where compromise and sacrifice come in.
One of the best aricles I've seen on the site. I fall squarely into the "good guy" who is currently going through a divorce, and when I reflect on my contributions to it I think a lot of it has to do with change. There were things that I was very adamant about that I would not change from the get go, and these thugs eventually became barriers. More people need to be upfront with their line in the sand before they get married,and it's then on both parties to NOT go through with it if they feel like it could be a problem. Marry people for growth, but not for change. Assume that all of the idiosyncrasies will remain as a worse case scenario, and use that as input into the decision to marry.
My recent post RIP Neil Armstrong
Her husband probably is the same person he was before she married him. In the beginning, she probably didn't mind being the planner, organizer, money manager, etc. Now she's tired and wants him to help, which is not fair. She knew what she was getting into and now expects him to change.
I dated a proverbial "good guy," but when he told me he likes to just bring the check home and hand it to me and I make everything happen, I was turned off and certain that he would not be a good husband "for me." When I told other women why I broke it off with him, some said they would have no problem with a man contributing very little to the smooth running of the household. Not me though. I knew that I didn't want the weight of the relationship to be on my shoulders, so I walked away. I do not try to change men. It takes too much time and energy.
Some women have been successful in getting their men to step up by discontinuing their efforts. Just stop doing everything that you do. If she has already communicated her feelings about him not helping out, she's got to take more extreme measures.
My recent post Unlikely Crushes
So all I have to do to be considered a good man is not have multiple baby mamas and not be a player? That was her problem, she considered the basics of defining him as a “good man”. However, once in the marriage she seen that he lacks many things that would make him a good husband and partner. It seems as thought the situation contradicts itself. He’s a “good man” and at the same time “he ain’t no good”.
Maybe if we, as men and women, hold each other more accountable and not let eachother get away with the basics we’ll be onto something. Calling hm a good man because he doesn’t have 6 ghetto baby mamas and doesn’t abuse you is reaching honestly. You SHOULD be a decent person, that doesn’t deserve praise. It’s no different than guys saying a woman is a “good woman” because she can cook and carries herself in a respectable manner. My parents always told me that you don’t receive incentives for doing what you are SUPPOSED to do in the first place; i.e doing chores, getting good grades. Same thing goes for a relationship/marriage. Don’t let the idea that they are a decent person blind you. Clearly the guy who is the subject of the letter is not taking care of home and providing a comfortable environment for his wife and family. So I ask you this: If he can’t take care of home is he really a GOOD MAN? Seems that you can’t be a good man but not a good husband and vice versa. It one in the same.
I’m completely guilty of this. In long term relationships it’s very easy to become complacent and stop doing what you did to “get her” in the first place. And for me my wife told me she was un happy, and now I’m trying to rectify it. One thing that wasn’t mentioned in this article is that once you mess up and the other person tells you this and how to rectify it you’re put in a terrible position because now they only think you’re changing because they told you to and it’s not believable. If you love someone, that’s a long-term commitment in which you need to keep loving them and showing you care. I think being a good man is definitely different from being a good boyfriend/husband because being a good man is focusing on yourself. Being a good husband is focusing on someone else, which is a totally different dynamic.
I don’t think we need reminders I think we need to understand that keeping things strong takes work, and we fall off because men are more simple than women. It takes much less for us to be happy, we get lazy, and assume she’s happy because you’re having a great life.
DRAYAMATAGA is a very sincere person and a very nice person. i just had my reading done and it was the best reading i have ever had in my life. even though he didn’t accept to work on my case, i can say that this man is very honest. because he could have took on my case knowing it wouldn’t work but instead he refused to work on my case at all. he said it was a waste of his time and my money. i was sad at first but as i sit here typing this i realize he was right and that i need to move on with my life.
i came to him because i wanted my ex back, but my ex has moved on and AYAMATAGA said that my ex could not be brought back with love spells, i had spent almost 4 thousand dollars over the past 2 years trying to get my ex back and it was for nothing because the other spell casters promised to get him back for me but never did. they just wasted my money and time. they would tell me to be patient that he was coming but he never did. so i really have to thank DRAYAMATAGA because he told me the truth, he could have token my money knowing it was a waste, but he didn’t. instead he told me the best thing was to move on.
i will be your client and friend forever DRAYAMATAGA because this is the first time i have found a DR. and a real spell caster that is so honest and blunt and i doubt, very much, that i will ever run into another like you.
you are truly gifted my friend
how i get my lover back with help of drayamatagaspirits a great spell caster how i contact and told him my problem he cast a spell for me in 2days my boyfriend came back to me if you need your girlfriend back or your boyfriend drayamataga is the right man you can contact him on firstname.lastname@example.org
i just want to share my experience and testimony here..my name is Prinsca i was married for 6 years to my husband and all of a sudden,another woman came into the picture.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost?then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn’t know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster?so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn’t believe in all those things? then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case anyone needs this man, his email address email@example.com, his spells is for a better life. again his email is – firstname.lastname@example.org
I will love to share my testimony to all he people in the forum because i never thought i will have my girlfriend back and she means so much to me..The girl i want to get marry to left me 4 weeks to our wedding for another man..,When i called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her facebook and she changed her facebook status from married to Single…when i went to her to her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me..I lost my job as a result of this because i cant get myself anymore,my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life…I tried all i could do to have her back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to execute some business have been developing some years back..I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting her back and how i lost my job…he told me he gonna help me…i don’t believe that in the first place. but he swore he will help me out and. he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets. i was amazed when i heard that from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back to Us the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he’s busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 2 days that is Thursday…My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she had done ..she said,she never knew what she’s doing and her sudden behavior was not intentional and she promised not to do that again. it was like am dreaming when i heard that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my wife called and he said i haven’t seen anything yet… he said i will also get my job back in 3 days time..and when its Sunday,they called me at my place of work that i should resume working on Monday and they gonna compensate me for the time limit have spent at home without working..My life is back into shape,i have my girlfriend back and we are happily married now with kids and i have my job back too. This man is really powerful..if we have up to 20 people like him in the world,the world would have been a better place..he has also helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all happy now..Am posting this to the forum for anybody that is interested in meeting the man for help you can mail him to email@example.com I cant give out his number because he told me he don’t want to be disturbed by many people across the world..he said his email is okay and he’ will replied to any emails asap..hope he will helped u out too..good luck:firstname.lastname@example.org .Once Again His Email Address Is — email@example.com
want to say a very big thanks and appreciation to tobo7spirits for bringing back my husband who left i and the kids for almost 3 months within the space of five days after following all instruction given to me. i am very much grateful for restoring peace in my marital home’ i pray God almighty give you the strength and wisdom to help more people having similar problem like mine. for help you can
CONTACT HIM on this email firstname.lastname@example.org
My name is Katrina. my husband left me for no reason on 24th of NOV 2012. He moved in with another woman, I felt like killing myself. I’ve tried different spell casters and went to different temples to pray but all to no avail. My life was very bitter and sorrowful. Then one day, a friend of mine told me about a DR. that is very good and does not even charge for his services, he said he gave him some lucky numbers that he played in a lottery and he won. I didn’t believe it because I’ve worked with so many of them and it didn’t work. He begged me further so I decided to try this great DR. called WADADA. I contacted him and I gave him the necessary information. He didn’t ask for anything but he said after the spell works, I can pay anything in appreciation. I still didn’t believe. I used the spell he gave me and the next day which was on the 29th of Nov, 2012 I received a call and it was my darling husband Thomas. He apologized and came back to me. He even gave me 10,000USD as a means of compensating me. I’m now a very a happy woman. Thank you email@example.com, I will forever be grateful to you. You can reach him on his email: firstname.lastname@example.org. He can solve any problem. Try him today and thank me later
SPIRITUAL TEMPLE gave me hope when I was ready to throw in the towel. No words can express how grateful I am to have found someone that is so real and dedicated. I am having work done as we speak and did a do it myself kit in the past. I have no doubt in my mind that my spell will manifest. Everything that this man has said to me has come into fruition. I’ve recommended everyone I know that I trust. Not only was I ready to give up on my situation, I was ready to give up on life. THANK YOU SPIRITUALTEMPLE, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART AND SOUL!
Contact : email@example.com
am more than sorry for ever doubting you. I should have know you possess true powers when you accepted my case. I am now a believer of what you do and that there are powers we normal humans can not understand. Thank you for bringing my husband back to me! I believe in you
Contact : firstname.lastname@example.org
I am a spell caster DR.AYAMATAGA from Africa. tell me what the problems is and I will give you the solution to that problem.
We specialized in the followings
_____ marriage spell
______ exams spell
_____ divorce spell
_______ success spell
_______ job spell
_______ good health spell
______ love spell
_______ protection spell
________ prosperity spell
______ lottery spell
______ magic spell
_______ travel spell
______ money making spell
______ pregnant spell
______any kind of contract spell
______ If u need ur fraud money back
______ Business spell
______ Celebrity spell
Contact me email@example.com for any problems on e-mail – firstname.lastname@example.org
Hello,everyone my name is Favour Frank from Canada i never ever believed in spell until i meet a man called prophet viky who help me cast a spell that bring back my ex-lover who left me for two years before our marriage,His spells works beyond my imaginations and today i am happily married with two kids and me and my [ex-lover] now husband are very happy more than ever before,what more can i say rather than to say thank you Dr saga mudo for been there for me,contact him today and your life will never ever remain the same his email is email@example.com
My name is Jude junus, i leave in UK, my girlfriend and i have been together for over 6 years now, in the last few weeks i have been having problems with her, I do love this woman a lot and do want to get married to her but at times i did feel a little confused about this and has wondered if she has been true to the relationship…until i found king son, who told me that she was not being true with me..I did later find out that she has been seeing her ex boyfriend I was devastated and did not know what to do, although I still loved her and could not see myself with anyone else, I did not want to lose her and king son assured me that they could help me with this problem, he told me about a spell caster prophet viky i decided to give it a trier so I contacted firstname.lastname@example.org once again to let him know that I did want to get help with this. With the powers that they do have my girlfriend and I did work a lot of things out and she has came back to me and we are now back together and engaged I did get over the fact that she has cheated on me but sometimes we do need to forget the past and move on to a better future and without king son' help I don't think it would have ever worked out. this man is a great spell caster please if you are facing this kind of problem contact him email@example.com
Well this thread certainly devolved.
I married a good guy that I don’t feel is a very good husband. The thing is it’s my fault because I had a feeling of this before we got married. I knew he struggled meeting my emotional and physical needs. And by struggle I mean doesn’t try. But for some reason I thought marriage would be a restart. That the excitement of being newlyweds would help our sex life and make him desire to bond with me deeper emotionally, but if anything our issues have only amplified. I’ve tried communicating my needs before and during our marriage but nothing seems to work. I realize that perhaps what I’m asking of him is simply contrary to who he is. He’s a good person but he’s not a good husband . I’m not sure how much longer I can take the emotional and physical neglect but my advice to ladies out there, assume this (whatever “this” Is for you) is as good as it’s going to get. If you’re happy with him and the way things are then you won’t be disappointed, but if you’re holding out hoping he’ll manage some aspect of your relationship better and you know you’re never going to be happy without that need being met, you should probably keep fishing.
If you think this is about the stupid flowers, you missed the point completely. The problem is her husband seems OK with watching her struggle all by herself. She has to do all the heavy lifting bc he takes her for granted. I am married to one of these outwardly great guys who are so convinced of their good-guy-ness that they never admit to doing anything remotely wrong in their marriage or in raising their kids. And please stop telling women not to yell; at some point the conflict will boil over and voices will get raised. People always want us to handle things like we have a degree in psychology. We are not female Dr. Phils. Also, we are not aiming for perfection; we are trying to run a household in such a way that will help relieve everyday stress. So if that means organizing closets in a way where you and the kids can find their belts, socks and gloves, it’s less annoying for us than having three people constantly asking us where THEIR stuff is. We are divorcing good guys or seriously planning to bc good guys can be selfish husbands whose only aim in life is to have an endless supply of Starbucks, TV and sex (which they are getting less frequently due to their worsening behavior). After having to take on all the man’s work bc of his slack and do our jobs too, we are exhausted when we go to bed. Physically, emotionally and mentally drained. Plan for our kid’s college instead of running up the credit cards, get names of reputable plumbers or handyman so I don’t have to, do some yard work or hire a landscaper so I don’t have to spend my entire weekend like a slave on a plantation, save money so we women don’t have to constantly bail you guys out even though you all work every day and have a good job. Budget for a vacation or save up for/get a low-rate loan for a more reliable vehicle so it’s not all me to finance. Stop expecting my check too but never have anything left to buy us ladies thoughtful planned-out gifts like we plan out your gifts. Candy from CVS is lame but expected from these type of good guys who are oblivious to their families’ emotional needs by choice. Put some values into our boys by spending quality time with them talking about boy stuff and fun stuff. Be a disciplinarian by having rules and enforcing them. Have higher expectations for our kids. Meet with their teachers sometimes. Look over their homework sometimes. Help teach them how to read or do math better even if you have to research on YouTube yourself. That’s what we have to do if we can’t afford tutors. When we take on a task, we do it as if someone’s life depends on it. Men often do what’s easiest for them, terrible at selfless love. Hugs kisses &sex are easy demonstrations of love; but they are shallow forms of love. Demonstrate deep love for a change that requires sweat equity and sacrifice. For the love of God, stop letting your mother butt into our affairs directly and indirectly pressuring you, raising doubts about what we do (“Oh, my grandson doesn’t have a phone by now. He’s 11; he should.”) Invest in our kids health and nutrition bc we as black people need to value our health more while we are young. If we as mothers have to keep spending money on our kids cavities that the dentist has said is due to overload on sugar, then please stop feeding them a high-sugar diet. Yes, fast food is full of sugar as well as salt. Or at least make the kids brush after sugary drinks and snacks. Help buy groceries. Take care of our basic affairs, bc at this point the kids don’t even respect you. They think you are the one who is easy to manipulate and won’t lift a finger for the simplest tasks. Why? Because they know you are the one who doesn’t pay close enough attention to anything or anyone but yourself. My husband has ignored my concerns that I have politely raised over 17 years. I snapped around the 20-year mark and quietly planned my divorce. If I have to do all the heavy lifting in our relationship, what is the point of having a man? He is not concerned about my emotional well-being or anything else but his own damn self. And he is ruining my boy in the process modeling lazy, undisciplined behavior. I should not have to ask you could you and him please take a shower before you leave the house. Teach our boys basic hygiene, buy them some scented lotion or something bc your body and your behavior stinks. Now our son plays us against each other to get his way. It’s OK, bc I have everything lined up to dump his ass. It won’t be dramatic. I will just be gone and he will have his divorce papers to sign or not. Either way, I am free of running myself ragged to keep things from getting out of control financially, etc. I am so worn out keeping our affairs together all by myself that I have no desire to be in any relationship ever again. I just want a peaceful life. I am healthy, beautiful, smart and independent. Marriage is a vibe killer and I won’t be a part of it. I just hate I realized too late that marriage is just a trap for smart girls who don’t marry emotionally intelligent guys. Don’t be fooled by the good guys, ladies. And guys, don’t be surprised when we dump you over your lack of concern.