Hey Singleblackmale,I have a question I need advice on. Well, I’m 22 years old and believe it or not I have never dated. I suppose I never tried that hard or the fact that I kept questioning its entire point to be honest. I really don’t see most of the point of dating just so you can get to know someone. I mean isn’t that the point of being friends so you can know someone? Maybe I’m just so frustrated with all the stuff you have to do for dating (keeping up with fashion, sacrificing the things I love just to fit in, talking, wearing, and doing things I don’t like, etc.) and the fact that even though I’m a nice guy I get stepped on a lot and taken advantage of. I kinda like your advice on this. Is it okay to never date at all or what?
What’s up man. Thanks for reaching out. I read your letter and have to admit that I was shocked for a minute. Twenty-two and never dated? At ALL?! Wow. Well no need to worry because we are here to help. I won’t give you a step by step booklet on “how” to date because that won’t benefit you. It will convolute an already over complicated process. Rather, I will address the key highlights of your letter and we can see if that makes things clearer for you.
“I really don’t see most of the point of dating just so you can get to know someone. I mean isn’t that the point of being friends so you can know someone?“
The short answer to this is yes and no. I can see why you would think this way. You figure that the method for attaining friendship differs from dating because the end goals are different. On the contrary they are very similar. When you vibe with another individual, share commonalities, appreciate your differences, and develop both a mutual respect and cameraderie, you are friends. Why wouldn’t you want these same characteristics with someone you date? I think that you are getting caught up in the “method” for developing the friendship as opposed to the friendship itself. I constantly acknowledge the blessings of friendship in my life. I also forgot where I first met 1/2 of the good friends in my life. You would think that’s foul, but it speaks to a bigger point. It didn’t matter how we met, it mattered that we did, we connected, and we are here now! If you meet a woman in the club, gym, grocery store, or wherever else, and you are interested in them, you would want to build with them on different levels if you want to date. Talking on the phone, texting, and hanging out all fall under the dating process. If it feels like the same way you become friends with someone, don’t be alarmed. I figure it’s smart to develop some type of friendship with the people you date anyway.
“I’m just so frustrated with all the stuff you have to do for dating (keeping up with fashion, sacrificing the things i love just to fit in, talking, wearing, and doing things i don’t like, etc.)”
I’m sorry, but this sounds more like torture than dating. The level of conformity that you express here is pretty extreme. It sounds cliche for me to tell you to “be yourself”, but that’s what you need to do. There is a thin line between upgrading and fronting. Think about a job interview, and all the preparation that it accompanies. You analyze the job description and match it to your strengths, prepare responses to commonly asked questions, wear the best clothing, and practice your interview etiquette. Why not attend the interview in basketball shorts and a wife beater? You won’t do that because you have to present yourself in the best light, make a good first impression, and frankly, you know better. You might feel “fake” because you’re not that person 24/7, but you do know that there is a time and place for everything. Dating is the same way. You want to be yourself, and put your best foot forward. If you buy new clothes, clean up, and make sure you don’t look like a fool in front of a potential love interest, that’s not changing, that’s smart! Be who you are, and not who you think women want you to be. Eventually, your true nature will be revealed and if it’s drastically different from what you presented, she will know and it’s a wrap. Honestly, if the women you want to date don’t like the real you, move on to the next one that will. Life is too short.
“…and the fact that even though i’m a nice guy I get stepped on alot and taken advantage of“
Are you a nice guy or are you a pushover? We tend to intertwine the meaning of these two words in popular culture. I used to hate being described as a nice guy because to me that was code for sucker. I’d rather people say “he’s not a dick”, “he’s genuine” or even “he’s a good dude” before nice! If you let people walk all over you, they will. It’s pretty simple. That’s something that you need to handle internally. If you are just a good dude, continue to be that. Too many times good dudes try to play the role of a jerk and fail miserably. You can command respect without invoking fear or disdain in another individual, while retaining your true nature.
“Is it okay to never date at all or what?“
To me the core basics of dating reminds me of that book “All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten“. For those that don’t date, this will help you out. For those that do, it’s a cool refresher. Don’t over complicate things because you will miss out on the joys of life and some opportunities to date cool people too.
SBM Nation feel free to offer up your own advice! How can dating be this difficult? What differences (if any) are there between getting to know someone as friends vs. love interests? Any of your own stories to share?