Don’t Get Gassed!
OK so here’s the situation:
My high school sweetheart is still involved in my life (5 years later). Whenever I try to lose contact he always finds a way to pop up a few months later. When we’re on speaking terms we never talk about the possibility of us being back together but we do end up hooking up.
Go back in time, 5 years to be exact. There were rumors that he cheated on me with this chick. Those rumors caused a temporary break in our relationship however he denied those rumors so I decided to take him back. But those rumors caused a strain in our relationship and it was never the same after that. He would always say she pretty much ruined our relationship and he couldn’t stand her. That was one of the reasons why our relationship ended but it wasn’t the main reason.
Ok now fast forward to 2012, I recently found out that he is still messing with this girl! As him and I are still involved, (I’m starting to feel like I’m in high school all over again!) I asked him about it and he of course lied to me (again). Needless to say I obviously need to completely cut out any contact with him. My question is why after all of this time does he still attempt to lead me on and even more so LIE about messing with this woman? He obviously has some type of feelings for her if he’s continued to see her on and off over the years. Is this just simply a case of him wanting to have his cake and eat it too? Do you think I’ll ever get the truth from him or do you think he will forever avoid the truth because he doesn’t want to own up to it? As stupid as it may sound I’d like to eventually be his friend again, simply platonic of course. But that’s only contingent upon him just coming clean.
Whoa… this is interesting to say the least. People may claim that brothers don’t offer women real talk when they need advice. I’m here to shatter those stereotypes today. I’m going to keep it as real as I possibly can about this situation. You seem confused and hurt by what’s going on, and I can empathize. So I will do my best to help you as well. Let’s go through your questions:
My question is why after all of this time does he still attempt to lead me on and even more so LIE about messing with this woman? Is this just simply a case of him wanting to have his cake and eat it too?
There comes a point in time where we all have to look in the mirror and keep it real with ourselves. The time for you is right now. Take a look into the mirror and be strong enough to say “I let this happen”. You must have revealed a level of naivety that he exploited in the past and continues to abuse in the present. He continues to lie to you because he’s been lying to you the entire time. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been truthful about much. It might be in his normal nature to lie to you. He probably doesn’t even see anything wrong with it (other than getting caught). He probably continues to lie because either a) he cares for you and wants you to buy into the fairytale of the faithful loving boyfriend that he has orchestrated, b) he truly believes that what he’s doing is cool, and that he’s not really cheating, c) he keeps you around because you offer him a commodity he isn’t getting elsewhere (sex, money, housing, cooking, etc) or d) All of the above.
When we are in high school, we fool around. We don’t know what love and commitement really mean. We think we do, but we view relationships with juvenile eyes. Our prespective is miniscule without quality experience to draw proper conclusions. I can think back to all my fails in love during my adolescence, and laugh it off because I was still learning. To me, you guys are trapped in a Groundhog Day relationship, where you keep living your high school experiences over and over and over again. Does he want his cake and eating it too? Homey, he’s not only the head chef at that restaurant, he’s also a customer! This has been status quo for you guys for nearly a decade! It’s the 9th inning with two outs, no way son is changing his game plan for victory!
He obviously has some type of feelings for her if he’s continued to see her on and off over the years.
Eh… not really. I mean, that could be the case, but more often than not it’s about easy access. Sure he’s dealt with the woman on and off, but that doesn’t mean he’s in love. He probably hits her off every once in awhile, and she’s a cool chick to him that doesn’t stress him or is equally using him for sexual seduction, word to Snoop Dogg Lion. There’s a possibility that he could have one of those secret families with her, but it seems like your circles are so small that you might have found that out by now. Honestly, you two are probably in the same boat as to the level of his care for you. Maybe you have an edge, but when you both have a losing record, what’s the fun in telling the other woman that you are “less awful”?
Do you think I’ll ever get the truth from him or do you think he will forever avoid the truth because he doesn’t want to own up to it?
You got the truth from him already through his actions. He cheated on you in high school with this woman, and still deals with both of you today! You probably won’t get it from his words. He really doesn’t owe you anything because you are currently not in a relationship. He’s a grown man so unless you are trying to lock him down, or have him locked down, he’s not entitled to keep it real. Have you considered the other women he might have in his life?
As stupid as it may sound I’d like to eventually be his friend again, simply platonic of course. But that’s only contingent upon him just coming clean.
You might as well chuck the deuces. If you enjoy sex with him, that’s cool, but if he’s being dishonest and “leading you on” then why be his friend? I personally have a pet peeve with retaining exes as friends, so I’m biased. I would just be weary of mistaking friendship for good sex. They usually are mutually exclusive. I hope I wasn’t too harsh, but I would talk to my women friends the same way.
Ladies, what advice or stories can you offer for our friend? Fellas what circumstances would cause a man to act in that manner? Chime In Here!
– Streetz
Truer words could not be spoken. Please look up Love and Hip Hop ATL and proceed to the Mimi + Stebie +Ho-So-Lean story line… you are both side pieces to this dude, doesn't matter who came first or who's the main chick. Raise your standards and cut him off like a cancer.
Sadly, My girlfriend and me broke up a month ago. yeah.. i'm young ,handsome,lonely and still hurting.i may be in need of someone to love..still..My friends told me about ===cougarkissing_ C0M=== and i got curious about it.. they met their girlfriends there.,It's the best place to meet a older girlfriend . i cant risk myself..So i got a usename(Qcdude) there in order to find a new girlfriend.is it wrong?Jessica Simpson is fighting the battle of the post-baby bulge, a process she says is slower than she expected.
Dude may have cared for her deeply but that doesn't mean he isn't/hasn't got his sidepiece on. Hopefully she is smart and moves on. Life is too short to be unhappy.
Honestly Streetz she kinda knows the answer to her own problem. She said it in the question for the most part, you broke up in high school 5 yrs prior because of the same women he’s messing with now , you know he’s messing with her, having his cake and eating it too, you know he’s lying so what’s the issue. Listen we’ve all be there and your not going to leave until your good and ready, no matter how many ppl tell you that you should. So here my outlook from both ends.
If you stay
– more power to you. Just know that if you stay your excepting what he’s offering, which is sex, lies and b.s. You’ll be giving more than your getting, and no matter how much effort you put in, he will continue to mess with whatever girl he wants , until he’s ready to move on. now maybe he’ll tell you the truth, but once he does that what are you going to do, what is his truth going to do for you, that’s worth wasting your time and energy on him. ( but idk him like you do maybe he’ll get it together tell you about the other chick, stop messing with her and y’all Can work it out) <—this probably won't happen.
If you leave
– congradulations. Taking the L can be hard but take it as a lesson learned. Take some time off of the dating scene ( just a little) and reflect on areas/ situations where you could have made better choices. You can still be polite to him. I'm sure you guys have mutual friends. No need to bad mouth him or ignore him in public, or Send the occasionally , hope all is well text. But don't think your going to have an honest best friend relationship with this kid, it probably won't happen.
– whatever you do, do what makes you happy and feels right.
Men treat you how you allow them to treat you. No he shouldn't lead you on , but you also have to look out for yourself more, don't be timid to leave when you see read flags , especially from ppl you've already been with.
Accepting *
Easy access. That's a dang shame but it's how a lot of men decide who to deal with.
I feel like the whole question itself if her asking for some sort of justification to explain what she already knows. In her mind she wants to believe there’s some deep, logical reason for his actions, that it’s possible to get him to keep it 100 So then she can find reason in.
still having sexmaintaining a friendship with him.In reality he’s simply doing what he’s allowed to do. you can’t change that all you can do is provide the best incentive to get him to change and even then it’s ultimately up to him. Or you can just spare yourself the headache and leave him alone altogether but just from what you said about dude he seems like the type that will keep trying to reconnect regardless.
That first paragraph, word.
But the second one doesn't sit well with me because he's a grown man. She is not responsible for his lack of consideration and self-control. Yeah, there's truth to a man knowing how to treat you based on what you do and do not hold him accountable for but at the same time, no one feels like having to be a punching bag to a man because you've established a personal boundary he doesn't wanna adjust to. I'm not saying don't have any I'm saying you should know how to act and be your own voice of reason. Not put it on a woman to hold you accountable for your actions. and then get mad at her for having personal boundaries. She's wrong if she lets him do it she's wrong if she doesn't. That's not a healthy way to treat a person and her "being naive" is not a valid reason to treat someone like crap. You don't cheat on someone because she's naive you cheat on someone because you have issues within yourself.
Maybe she wants him to hold himself accountable for his wrong-doing.
Drawing from personal experience, i agree with the above. Long story short; broke up with ex who cheated and although i had conclusive proof- i only broke up with him a year later. Dont ask.
When i finally broke it off with him, he did the usually BCB (Baby Come Back), but i wanted none of that . 2 months of the break up, I was about to give in- then my girls and i went out one night, he saw me in the club and an hour later- after professing undying love that same damn day- his tongue was down a jump off's throat. God works in mysterious ways. Hallelujeeeeeeeeer!!
A person who doesnt respect you- by lying etc, doesnt even deserve to be a friend. They deserve no part in your life; its been 5 years and he hasnt changed- so cut your losses girl. You'll find better friends!
*2 months after
Ol’ girl knows the answers to all the questions she’s asking. The dude she speaks of has probably never really been as in to her as she thought, lying motives and actions notwithstanding. As Streetz also said, theirs was a juvenile relationship that they both have held onto, perhaps out of comfort. Either way, she needs to recognize while he may still be the same, she should change and leave this dude alone.
"My question is why after all of this time does he still attempt to lead me on and even more so LIE about messing with this woman?"
Because he wants some a$$ from you.
A sad case of the Manipulator vs. the Enabler.
Dr. Streetz, I think you laid the law down better than any therapist.
"To me, you guys are trapped in a Groundhog Day relationship, where you keep living your high school experiences over and over and over again."
…and these are the breaks!
Nothing else to add that hasn't already been said, lol.
Wait. Snoop Lion? *falls over dead*
He's a Rasta-reggae rapper now, LOL…or something like that.
Not sure if he's serious or going through his mid-life crisis, lol.
Girl I had to go look it up. He's reincarnated. O_O Woo chile, mid-life crisis I guess.
Ohhh you two always make me laugh ahahahah!!!
yes, it’s time to put on your grown woman panties and cut ties. Damn. Some women can be so stupid. Glad I got that out my system. Who on earth would you want to be friends with a dude that has basically played you dirty for your whole relationship? Up your standards of boyfriends AND friends. You not going to be missing anything from not having this loser in your life. cancel his ass like nino!! And get some self respect.
I've been trying to type out a comment but this post just makes me really sad and I don't even feel like trying to articulate my thoughts on how men talk to women. or how hard it's going to be to accept a man after observing how they handle women they take as partners. At first I thought men were these awesome creatures who always support women and who always provide for women because that's what I decided to take away from my family, but having listened to others and in trying to become socialized it makes me feel a deep sadness I have to be so wound up and withdrawn when I need someone to connect with. Anything short of complete apathy towards the opposite sex is naively trusting a man to be a man. Or more importantly do men really believe a woman can be treated any kind of way once she trusts him? cause she was dumb enough to do it? So regardless of who she is or what standards she holds herself to, once a woman trusts a man it means he can do bad stuff to her and not be held accountable for it? *curls into a ball and handles life by myself even though I clearly can't anymore* I thought men were supposed to cherish women. Today I learned never trust a man.
“Today I learned never trust a man.”
Correction…never trust a man that shows you/tells you/proves to you he can’t be trusted.
lol. I’m good on that. I don’t owe a man anything. You get no chances with me. None.
amen.
Darn, its time for you to get CLOSURE and move on!
If the school personnel do file due process so that they can implement an IEP that you do not agree with (or if you are ready to file to stop the school from implementing an unapproved.