90210: How A High School Mentality Can Ruin A Relationship
OK so here’s the situation:
My high school sweetheart is still involved in my life (5 years later). Whenever I try to lose contact he always finds a way to pop up a few months later. When we’re on speaking terms we never talk about the possibility of us being back together but we do end up hooking up.
Go back in time, 5 years to be exact. There were rumors that he cheated on me with this chick. Those rumors caused a temporary break in our relationship however he denied those rumors so I decided to take him back. But those rumors caused a strain in our relationship and it was never the same after that. He would always say she pretty much ruined our relationship and he couldn’t stand her. That was one of the reasons why our relationship ended but it wasn’t the main reason.
Ok now fast forward to 2012, I recently found out that he is still messing with this girl! As him and I are still involved, (I’m starting to feel like I’m in high school all over again!) I asked him about it and he of course lied to me (again). Needless to say I obviously need to completely cut out any contact with him. My question is why after all of this time does he still attempt to lead me on and even more so LIE about messing with this woman? He obviously has some type of feelings for her if he’s continued to see her on and off over the years. Is this just simply a case of him wanting to have his cake and eat it too? Do you think I’ll ever get the truth from him or do you think he will forever avoid the truth because he doesn’t want to own up to it? As stupid as it may sound I’d like to eventually be his friend again, simply platonic of course. But that’s only contingent upon him just coming clean.
Whoa… this is interesting to say the least. People may claim that brothers don’t offer women real talk when they need advice. I’m here to shatter those stereotypes today. I’m going to keep it as real as I possibly can about this situation. You seem confused and hurt by what’s going on, and I can empathize. So I will do my best to help you as well. Let’s go through your questions:
My question is why after all of this time does he still attempt to lead me on and even more so LIE about messing with this woman? Is this just simply a case of him wanting to have his cake and eat it too?
There comes a point in time where we all have to look in the mirror and keep it real with ourselves. The time for you is right now. Take a look into the mirror and be strong enough to say “I let this happen”. You must have revealed a level of naivety that he exploited in the past and continues to abuse in the present. He continues to lie to you because he’s been lying to you the entire time. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been truthful about much. It might be in his normal nature to lie to you. He probably doesn’t even see anything wrong with it (other than getting caught). He probably continues to lie because either a) he cares for you and wants you to buy into the fairytale of the faithful loving boyfriend that he has orchestrated, b) he truly believes that what he’s doing is cool, and that he’s not really cheating, c) he keeps you around because you offer him a commodity he isn’t getting elsewhere (sex, money, housing, cooking, etc) or d) All of the above.
When we are in high school, we fool around. We don’t know what love and commitement really mean. We think we do, but we view relationships with juvenile eyes. Our prespective is miniscule without quality experience to draw proper conclusions. I can think back to all my fails in love during my adolescence, and laugh it off because I was still learning. To me, you guys are trapped in a Groundhog Day relationship, where you keep living your high school experiences over and over and over again. Does he want his cake and eating it too? Homey, he’s not only the head chef at that restaurant, he’s also a customer! This has been status quo for you guys for nearly a decade! It’s the 9th inning with two outs, no way son is changing his game plan for victory!
He obviously has some type of feelings for her if he’s continued to see her on and off over the years.
Eh… not really. I mean, that could be the case, but more often than not it’s about easy access. Sure he’s dealt with the woman on and off, but that doesn’t mean he’s in love. He probably hits her off every once in awhile, and she’s a cool chick to him that doesn’t stress him or is equally using him for sexual seduction, word to Snoop
Dogg Lion. There’s a possibility that he could have one of those secret families with her, but it seems like your circles are so small that you might have found that out by now. Honestly, you two are probably in the same boat as to the level of his care for you. Maybe you have an edge, but when you both have a losing record, what’s the fun in telling the other woman that you are “less awful”?
Do you think I’ll ever get the truth from him or do you think he will forever avoid the truth because he doesn’t want to own up to it?
You got the truth from him already through his actions. He cheated on you in high school with this woman, and still deals with both of you today! You probably won’t get it from his words. He really doesn’t owe you anything because you are currently not in a relationship. He’s a grown man so unless you are trying to lock him down, or have him locked down, he’s not entitled to keep it real. Have you considered the other women he might have in his life?
As stupid as it may sound I’d like to eventually be his friend again, simply platonic of course. But that’s only contingent upon him just coming clean.
You might as well chuck the deuces. If you enjoy sex with him, that’s cool, but if he’s being dishonest and “leading you on” then why be his friend? I personally have a pet peeve with retaining exes as friends, so I’m biased. I would just be weary of mistaking friendship for good sex. They usually are mutually exclusive. I hope I wasn’t too harsh, but I would talk to my women friends the same way.
Ladies, what advice or stories can you offer for our friend? Fellas what circumstances would cause a man to act in that manner? Chime In Here!