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Do men respect abstinent women?

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We always welcome reader questions, comments, and feedback here at SBM. You can check out our SBM Mail series here for past submissions, and you can submit your own inquiries using the Contact Us page. Today’s reader asks:

Hey Single Black Male first off I like the site keep it up. To start off I am choosing to be abstinent, I am doing that because I am trying to develop who I am and add more to my character and definition to my life. There is a saying, “You can’t love someone until you love yourself.” I really believe this to the core, since I am still young (22) I attract young acting men regardless of the age. Lately I have been attracting all kinds of black men on the spectrum. From thugs to business men and so on. When I tell them I want to be friends and network and that I’m not on that with them. And that I’m trying to work on me; they have the same reaction, they either ignore it and keep trying or make a run for it. I guess what I am trying to ask is that why with men is abstinence frowned upon or considered “Old Fashioned.” Why can’t there be a medium why does it have to be are you F**king or Not? Feel Me?



Abstinence

First off, thank you for the compliments on the site. Always appreciated. Before I begin, I’d like to commend your choice to be abstinent while you work on yourself, especially at such a young age. I agree with your quote, “You can’t love someone until you love yourself.” It’s good that you’re reaching this conclusion at a young age and I wish you the best of luck on your journey. I hope you remain steadfast and strong. I say that because of this line: And that I’m trying to work on me; they have the same reaction, they either ignore it and keep trying or make a run for it.

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I’m not sure how long you’ve chosen to be abstinent, but I can say if you’re going to seriously remain abstinent as an opportunity for personal growth, then you have to fully embrace the reason why you’re remaining abstinent. Otherwise, quite frankly, some good looking guy on paper will come along and derail you from your plans because he has a cute smile, speaks well, and promises you he’s different – and he very well might be, but that’s not the point.

What many women (and some men) get wrong about being abstinent is the fact that they (allegedly) make the decision for themselves but then get upset or stray from that path because others won’t accept your decision. This doesn’t make sense. If you’re being abstinent for you, then it should never matter what others think. They can either respect your decision or walk, but you should not change for them, because that wasn’t the reason you committed to abstinence in the first place. If it is, then you’re already going about your decision wrong. In other words, you should have the strength to stick by your choice in the face of adversity because it’s about you and no one else.

Using an objective example, if you wanted a job that paid $50,000 and a job comes along and offered you $30,000 would you take it? I doubt it. Because they already haven’t met your standard. You should have the same view on dating. If you’ve set a minimum standard for yourself then others should rise up to your standard. You shouldn’t lower yourself to theirs. I say all this to say, before I can answer you question, you must honestly embrace why you’re making this decision. If it’s for yourself, then that’s all that should matter. If you’re making this choice based on the actions of others, I’m sorry, but you are likely setting yourself up to fail from the very beginning.

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I guess what I am trying to ask is that why with men is abstinence frowned upon or considered “Old Fashioned.” Why can’t there be a medium why does it have to be are you F**king or Not? Feel Me?

I’m going to be blunt. Abstinence is considered “old fashioned” because it is old fashioned. However, there is nothing wrong with that. There would arguably be a lot less that ails the world if we kept pursuing old fashioned ideals. As I said before, this is really beside the point. Old fashioned or not, if you’ve made the choice to be abstinent then the man should respect your decision. If he can’t then you should give him his walking papers. It really is that simple. If you desire a certain traits in a man, and he can’t offer them to you – even if he is a good man in all other areas – is he really the man for you? My answer, is “no.” Therefore, if you lose a good man who is not your ideal man, have you really lost anything at all? Again, my answer is, “no.”

Why can’t there be a medium why does it have to be are you F**king or Not?

Frankly, this is simply how many men think. There is no medium with some men. Again, the point of your abstinence shouldn’t be to entertain men who can’t respect your decision, because it is a personal decision that should be reached irrespective of men.

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I do believe there are men out there who will respect your decision to wait. However, this is not all men. It’s even possible that most men won’t respect your decision. My question is do you want any man in your life or do you want the right men in your life? If the latter, then it shouldn’t matter how many of the wrong leave if the right men stay. For instance, if a 1,000 wrong men come and go and 1 right man stays, I feel like you won. Conversely, if you entertain a 1,000 wrong men and lose the 1 right man as a result, I feel like you lost. While abstinent, and in general, this is the attitude you should have and I think it’ll make things easier overall. During this commitment, remember you’re not looking to keep every man in your life, only the right men. I’m not saying it’ll be easy but doing the right thing rarely is.

1) Readers, have any of you ever committed to being abstinent in the past or currently? 2) What are some of the difficulties you face and how do/did you overcome them? 3) What additional tips or advice would you offer? 4) Fellas, would you ever date or befriend an abstinent woman? Why or why not? As men, what advice would you offer her?

Comment(91)

  1. As a woman that has been abstinent for 6 years, I have come to realize the "right man" will respect my decision. Now I have been stood up, and "dumped" or whatever when a guy realized my practice of abstaining from sex meant him two… I at first felt a bit upset and disappointed, yet I soon came to thank them for not wasting my time.

    My thought is, "Don't lose sight of you, you have to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with the person starring back at you."
    My recent post dating suqs | Better left to Myspace…

    1. I m so sad, My girlfriend and me broke up a month ago. yeah..you know i'm young ,handsome,lonely and still hurting.i may be in need of someone to love..still..My friends told me about cougarkissing_ C0M and i got curious about it.. they met their girlfriends there.,It's the best place to meet a older girlfriend . i cant risk myself..So i got a usename(Qcdude) there in order to find a new girlfriend .Is it wrong?

  2. 1. in the past. it didn't last longer than 6 months.
    2. lol i didn't.

    3. see four.

    4. I have dated an abstinent woman and while she was deciding if she wanted to wait to have sex with me, I was still smashing broads out the rolodex.

    yall ladies aint gonna wanna hear this, but if you not fucking us, we gone fuck someone else until you decide you are ready to sleep with us.

    Yeah yeah yeah, theres a goody twoshoes every blue moon, but most of us? nah we lookin for some ass and are GOING to get it. from you or someone else.

    1. @"goody twoshoes" smh!
      Whateva, those good guys do exist!
      But get urself together first…If ur jaded u won't know the difference.

    2. Can't co-sign this statement enough. But they don't hear you though, thinking there are "good" men out there who understand, respect their choice and will choose to remain abstinent with them, the rest of us are labled immature ninjas who only think with our little heads lol.

      1. Re: #4. You know, that's actually a point FOR abstinence. Notice how you say you're still smashing other broads while she makes up her mind? You also have one guy below talking about how he wifed an abstinent woman, but was still smashing other women prior to making the marriage commitment. If she wasn't abstinent, she would become the broad that everyone is smashing while waiting for the abstinent one to give up the goods………. exactly.

    3. The problem with #4 is when something wild happens and you end up assed out. What if you smashing other broads out the rolodex and one of them get pregnant and now you got to explain to the one you really wanted to be with that you about to have a kid. Or what if you smashing that other broad and then she finds out it's going nowhere, flips out, and then the one you really wanted to be with, finds out. #4 is risky. Only way it works is if you have a FWB that you can be honest and safe with.

    4. Hold on Trap You're stating #4 Like that is supposed to matter. Like a female is supposed to be like oh ok he is just going to F#$k someone else so I might as well [email protected]#$ What is your purpose in saying that? Just askin.

    5. No offence intended – Is marriage something you think you’ll eventually think about i.e. sleeping with only one woman and intentional procreation?

  3. I’m an abstinent male and wisdom hit it right on, the right dude will come along and it won’t even be a problem so why give any thought to the ones who don’t understand? It is probably a bit different for men as I have yet to meet a woman who hasn’t respected my decision and some of them were cool friends for that time, they just didn’t want to pursue a relationship with me. Some decided that it was another check on that nice guy card and it wouldn’t work, but that’s whatever too. Just to echo, you have to do it for yourself cause if you aren’t then I’ll tell you there’s no reason for you to be doing it at all.

  4. As a women, I take issue with other women who get upset with guys who lose interest when they tell them they're abstinent. Like, didn't you make that decision for yourself? Why do you have the right to make that decision but don't think he has the right to react to that decision the way he wants? I think people make these decisions for all the wrong reasons, otherwise guys leaving because you're abstinent should be the best thing that happens to you. You're weeding out what should be YOUR undesirables or at least giving them the chance to weed themselves out. I fail to see how this should get anyone upset. And if it does upset you, then you're not abstinent. Rather than blanket abstinence, you're really just withholding sex until the person you want comes along….

    1. I understand your point as well. The reader’s questions and/ or concerns don’t upset me per se, but moreso highlights the fact that her expectations came from a very pure and innocent place. I have a bit of differet take on this matter. To her, she has made a very commendable choice and expected most if not all men to be on board if not be considerate enough of such an honorable decision and stick around anyway. She has now learned the lesson in life, unfortunately hard way, that not everyone is going to support or share your views and that is ok. The respect she desires for her decision, she should, in turn, offer the same to others rather than allowing it to upset her. Is she not doing the same as the men by not accepting their choice to not pursue her any futher? Why do they have to accept and validate her aspirations, but she not there’s. People are not always going to agree with your life choices and as result should not be villfied for it but respected.

      1. I am actually the writer of the letter above and I'm not upset per se. I was just thinking about it a lot, and wanted to know if anyone could come up with an answer for me. Because the men that decide to stay and think they are " too legit to quit". I honestly would prefer they left than to stay and sweat me about it. I'm not disapproving of those who leave by all means if you don't respect my grind then you can step. Its has been a year I'm used to it, the thing is I network if you ar of some used to me towards my career it is only natural for me to try to link up with you or vice versa it justs gets to me when they try to link up with an agenda. I wanted a little light shed on it because it boggles me a little bit

        1. Best advise a male friend gave me: "Don't compromise yourself for anyone." However you choose to live your life, be confident in those decisions and stick to them.
          Your decision to practice abstinence is to help you build YOUR character, so don't worry yourself about why men choose to do what they do. Regardless of how many posts we read on SBM, we can't control how they think; men (& women) are gonna do what they wanna do… (as they should). I get it, it's frustrating because I'm sure you've come across some really great men and you feel they let your abstinence stand in the way of a friendship/ relationship. That's not the case. Every great guy isn't meant to be your friend or aquaintance or boyfriend & that doesn't mean there's something wrong with them or with you. I have all the confidence the RIGHT PEOPLE will come into your life and at the RIGHT TIME. And like many have said, remember to be honest and respectful of what you have committed to and also how others choose to live their life which may be different from your choices. Best of luck!

        2. No one likes to be misled and that is very understandable. However, it's more disappointing rather than mind boggling. Unfortunately, you will have people in life who will leverage their position, power or connections solely for their own benefit. Your focus should not be on why they choose to do this but moreso on learning how to decipher between those who can or can not offer geniune assistance to you and your career. There are worthy and unworthy distractions in life and it's up to you to decide which preoccupations assist you in meeting your goals and those that do not. Know that you can only control your thoughts, feelings and actions, so I encourage you to empower yourself to choose a prospective on this situation that is nothing less than favorable to you. Best of luck to you.

  5. To respect someone means to deeply admire them, so it would seem that this isn't about respect. For the most part, men have no patience with women who they want to have sex with but cannot for various reasons.

    1. I think a lot of it depends on the reason, the timeline and the situation. I know a lot of us have stories about our high school girlfriends we was trying to go all the way with. Back then it wasn't a guarantee that it would happen by the Xth date. I'd say that if she (or he for that matter) is an interesting enough person, or just somebody that like Prince Akeem said "will arouse my intellect as well as my loins."
      My recent post Visualizing Huffman Coding Trees

  6. Stay strong & committed!
    Like what others said above…do this for yourself.
    Who cares what others think…its ur life. Period!

  7. I think it’s different for men and women. Because it’s so rare, I would have crazy respect for a man that wants to abstain and I would certainly go along with it, but for women (including myself) who decide to abstain…it isn’t easy.

    I agree with the advice given. The right guys will respect it and date you regardless. After all, if they are truly interested in getting to know you, whether you’re having sex or not plays a small role. Also, are you waiting until marriage or an undetermined amount of time? Sometimes, when there is no goal in mind, men will think that you’re using the abstinent excuse just because you don’t want to have sex with THEM.

    I believe men that are looking for a relationship will respect your decision, and the others, well you don’t want them anyway because all they’re trying to do is smash.

    1. I agree with " Also, are you waiting until marriage or an undetermined amount of time? Sometimes, when there is no goal in mind, men will think that you're using the abstinent excuse just because you don't want to have sex with THEM. "
      Its important to have a goal or you will fall off when a smooth talker comes along!.
      Im also a celibate woman for religious reasons- now waiting for marriage :)..
      The benefits i see are that you weed out the 'smashers' very quickly- "aint nobody got time to wait and waste".

  8. I really hope this my comment is not met with hostility coz that's not the response I am hoping for when I type this. I believe in a sex revolution coming to the world figuratively and literally THROUGH women and for that reason I do NOT respect abstinent women (sexually mature of course). SEX is awesome! I question why women would want to be abstinent. Have you ever had good sex? Unfair as it maybe seen as a question, it does put the situation in perspective. If you have only eaten sub standard sex, you are willing to give it up regardless of the fact that in stopping (no matter how briefly) you are decreasing your chances of exploring what you like and therefore being closer to getting that big O. If hoever u have had brilliant sex then like great cuisine, why in the world would you wanna give that up??? I think its also unfair for you to expect your "perfect man" to also make that sacrifice from the get go even before he knows you in turn are the "perfect woman". Here's my recommendation, treat sex like it is, just another layer of your of your personality. Another endearing trait or skill you have. And have sex with every guy you date (that is if u date guys u deem worthy of bedding, otherwise y are u dating them exactly???) and then after the first great sex experience you both share go abstinent to "work on urself " or whatever. That way at least he knows whats in store 1. you can work on yourself whilst in a relationship with a good man who is likelier to stay for the main course coz the appertizers were great! and most importantly both of you know that you not using sex as a power tool as inevitably SOOOO many women do. I am male.

    1. Interesting point. I can't speak for anyone else but to me once sex is introduced into a relationship, it often times becomes a point of no return. I think it's key to learn as much as your can about a person prior to physcial attraction for then your views of him and her are way more objective and reliable.

    2. "I question why women would want to be abstinent."

      Of course you would, because presumably, you are a man and you are thinking from a male perspective about sex.

    3. I don't fault you for thinking that. But you are not a woman. Sex is procreation. Do you realize that THAT is how babies are made? Sex is not a casual thing even though we tend to treat it that way. As a young woman myself, and for the reasons this female has become abstinent, I commend her for it because she is so young and at this age, we barely know ourselves let alone what we want. Taking sex out of the equation clears some space so we can actually focus on other things. I know sex is very important and that it can be amazing. But as a woman, I have to protect myself and be extremely careful who I let in because sex brings out certain emotions that are easier to deal with when there is certainty in your life whether it be your own or with that person you choose to have sex with. It is not about how good the sex is because for me, I will still have to deal with myself and the emotions that come after the fact.

      And to the reader, be strong and know that it is a good thing that these men are walking. They are making it easy for you to pick the good ones coz they are weeding themselves out. Be patient and the good ones will come along.

    4. problem I have with this is that there are a lot of consequences of sex that we just aint ready for. People going having sex on the first date and wondering why they crying two weeks later. I really believe there's a certain emotional wall between any two people that is broken when they become intimate. That's why there's that whole conversation after sex and that moment of honesty. But it also complicates things as one side can really get more attached than the other, or we start reading signs differently, or we just realize that once you've been on that level, its hard to just stop and say well now you know what I have to offer so we can wait. For most people, their longest wait before their next sexual encounter is the time before their first, cause after that it becomes about how soon can I get it again.
      My recent post Visualizing Huffman Coding Trees

    5. It ain’t about the sex. the girl is trying to define herself separate from all else. to thy own self be true. yes sex is great. imagine how great with the partner you want and the one who really wants you in the bed and out sex would be. that’s a very nice cup of tea.

  9. Wiz, you get it. Why does ol' girl need my approval for being abstinent. Chances are, I don't believe you (cause, I just think that you are just holding out for the guy you do wana f**k badly) , but more importantly, you are not serving my interests, which is to get you out of them draws. This is not rocket science. And this is what most women are supposed to being doing anyway, if they want to be taking seriously for matrimony.

    Now, if ol girl is serious about celibacy, she should encourage & even assist her male friends into getting foreign poon, but of course, the last thing a girl is trying to do is raise a man's market value.

    FIN

  10. Abstinence is a funny thing. I know several people who were "abstinent", but engaged in other activities that seemed to blur the line. Maybe I'm wrong about this, but if you're going to be doing these other activities then I feel like its just a matter of time before you start wanting the whole thing…either that or the person/people you're doing them with will.

    The other thing about abstinence is that many times people feel like they need to make public statements about it. I mean, I realize that there's a purpose for that, but if we're sitting at a happy hour and just having a conversation about what you do for a living, maybe that's not the time to bring it up.
    My recent post Visualizing Huffman Coding Trees

  11. It’s really commendable that at 22 she is working on loving herself. A lot of ppl don’t start that process until they’ve been dragged through the mud countless times . I don’t think she’s frustrated with the men as much as the overall situation. I mean she’s starting to see that most of the men who claim to be interested in her really just want to bed her, and when you keep running into that it can start to make you feel like maybe there’s something wrong with you.

    We don’t really live in a society that values purity that much. It’s crazy because one minute your a h*e when they catch you sleeping around, next your a prude, or not as eaisly desirable when you decide to keep you legs closed. Or not making your vagina easily accessible.

    It seems like she just startered this journey. Maybe she should stop dating period, just for a little bit. And really focus on herself, until she can build a little more confidence in her decision and not be bothered by men who don’t see her as a viable option because she won’t put out.

    Is there a difference between practicing celibacy and practicing abstinence ? Does it blurr the line for men when a woman says she’s waiting until she’s in a serious relationship( gf/bf) vs her just saying I’m waiting until Im married?

  12. I understand what your feeling because I am going through the same thing right now trying to be abstinent. You have to remember this choice is about you not everyone else. When it comes to guys I'm not sure how your will power is, but honestly I would leave them alone for a while since you are focusing on personal growth men can derail those intentions very easily. And when you do met a cutie and you get curious really think hard about your decision, like my pastor once said play the whole movie in your mind not just the fun part where your kissing and he is telling you he wants to be with you. I think celibacy is very liberating because you can walk away from a situation more easily than had you slept with the other individual.

    You need to put on your "Murder She Wrote" hat everytime you go out and investigate these guys because in the first two or three interactions you will realize right then and there if this is someone you want to remain in your life so instead of them walking away from you, you're walking away from them because you know they don't have what you need. Be blessed and stay focused.

  13. I have dated an abstinent woman before, I thinklb the issue was I gained too much respect for her, was I really ready to be the one to break it, it became a huge burden of responsibility that I wasn’t ready to take (she ended up screwing some ex at a party after me, that’s that bull)

  14. I am abstinent and have been for a LONG time. Most men respect what I'm doing but respect is not the issue. Most men just don't want any part of a sex free relationship and I can't do anything other than accept that. I don't find it to be a lack of respect but rather a lack of compatibility. Yes, it is very frustrating and I wonder if I will ever meet the "right" person. I still have a little faith left though.

  15. As a man who ended up marrying a woman who was abstinent, let me commend her decision. I personally had to decide if that was something I could deal with. For some, the answer is no, but mine was yes. If anything I gained greater respect for my wife because she wasn’t willing to compromise her beliefs or her choice for some dude, even if the dude was me. Now in full disclosure, yes I fooled around a bit before we got married, which was a calculated risk I was willing to take. Just because SHE chose to fo without, that doesn’t mean I did. Was it ethically wrong? Sure. But, I did it. Either way, in the long run, if a guy is worth his salt to a woman who chooses to be/remain abstinent, he will respect her decision and not try to.force the issue. However, there may be a chance that said guy will also find another nation to plant his flag while waiting on the abstainer.

    1. Interesting. I’ve had a few women make similar compromises, eg they were abstinent yet “you can still date/sleep with others since you’re not getting that from me.” This seems counterintuitive but it’s happened. My follow-up question would be did your now wife know that you were fooling around in the vain of “don’t ask, don’t tell”?

      Lol feel free to ignore if you don’t want to throw yourself under the bus. I’m just wondering.

      1. Nah man, she didn’t give clearance for NO shenanigans. I’m bluntly honest like that. She had a feeling I think, but wasn’t completely in the know. In a moment of idiocy, I told her (too much drinking one day). She was hot about it, but she wasn’t gonna trade the potential for forever, over a side piece. I think it actually helped, her being abstinent though, because after saying I do, well uh…yeah. She made up for it.

  16. If she is choosing to be abstinent for personal growth, then so be it and I believe the majority of people will respect her choice. That doesn't mean the men of the world has to tolerate it or invest time in a woman where their needs are not satisfied.

    It seems more like she wants to date and not deal with the pressures of sex, which explains the frustrations, but that is entirely different aspect from being abstinent for 'personal growth'.

    I've never understood the correlation between personal growth and lack of sex. If you are placing yourself in the dating pool, you are still dealing with time, financial and emotional investment in others, in which you could use to focus on yourself.

    Homegirl's story seems without focus or skewed goals.Her first lesson of personal growth should be what is my gameplan and what am I looking to gain from this experience?

    1. From personal experience, let me shine some light. Sex puts stuff on a slant. We put up with stuff we know may be no good for us, but the sex is cool, so we stay doing it. For those who know how they may get sidetracked due to sex, the necessity to go without can help these individuals see where they actually are in life. Yes, some people can handle sex and figure things out. There are others who cannot. The ones who choose to, or find it necessary to abstain, shouldn’t be derided because of their decision.

      1. I fully understand that outlook, but to take it deeper, can we agree that replacing the word sex with intimacy would yield similar results? And if someone is abstaining for personal growth, wouldn't intimacy put on the side-track path?

        It's just my personal opinion, but if I'm abstaining for that reason, I would be limiting any amount of intimacy from the opposite sex.

        1. You can show a person love/companionship/closeness without a bit of sex involved. Sex and intimacy are not interchangeable terms cause if that were the case then it would be too many liablities in the prostitution profession.

  17. I've ATTEMPTED abstinence, to no avail. I've succumb to the many men in the city who make you feel childish, old-fashioned, naive, etc. when you say that you wanna wait for love. I was never a "wait for marriage" type, but I was a "wait for love" type. But honestly, my insecurities were just too available for them to exploit and I always fell to their logic, instead of asserting my own.

    I'm happy to report I've been living on my own logic since Dec 2011. I have not, however, been abstinent. I found the right guy and gave up my abstinence with no coercion whatsoever. 🙂

    1. Interesting. Ive met a few women that have a “commitment/monogamy rule,” which seems like a healthy compromise. They’re not abstinent by any means but they’ll only give it up within the confines of a committed relationship. Of course, the risk there is that a man might tie it down JUST to get in the jeans but that’s another issue.

    2. Lol I have experienced men making me feel childish when I first started that's why this is so funny to me. I learned to ignore it though, and also I know I'm not ready to have relations yet because I want to work on my insecurities and rebuild trust with people. You know what's crazy though I catch all this heat about making this decision and people don't realize that Iam doing this to rebuild myself because I've been in some Jacked relationships with people and friends and I don't want to have the "Damaged Goods" Mentality. Not that it matters what folks think it's just funny how it seems like you just can't win with people that's why I Chose to do this for myself.

      1. "Iam doing this to rebuild myself because I've been in some Jacked relationships with people and friends and I don't want to have the "Damaged Goods" Mentality."

        I did the same. It makes ALL the difference in the world to fix yourself before attempting to build with someone else. Stay strong – you've already recognized the issue and you're doing what you think is right in order to fix it. Nothing else matters.

  18. *ignores that little voice in my head that goes 'Alakaii stop! don't say ANYthing'*

    This is a very ugly forum but my sexual practices are a mix of having been raised Christian and just overall discomfort. I have a spelunking adventure once every twenty three years and it's been that way mostly because I'm uncomfortable. I wasn't raised in a very loving or affectionate environment, the mood wasn't warm or kind, I was very isolated from the kumbaya family atmosphere (dad 80, mom 60, sisters 14-16 years older) so I'm a very…composed individual. used to drawing my needs from within. Once I became of age I found developing myself was an inherent happiness. It gave me a future to focus on. In relationships I was emotionally and physically detached. I haven't held a hand, haven't caressed or been caressed, haven't kissed, haven't cuddled. When asked for even the simplest form of affection it burned. I literally felt rage and disgust and confusion.

    1. I guess the most difficult part about it all is the social perspective: celibacy is more so a reformation of promiscuity whereas abstinence is more about developing moral standing and upholding that stance; most women aren't celibate and you're less likely to come across a female who's abstinent, I can't relate to most of my gender and especially those in my age group. Our ideals are different, our beliefs, our maturity. They haven't experienced the harshness of holding yourself to a standard in a modern world: our life lessons, my wisdom gained, the lack of cheer at personal decisions best for me, it's very isolating on top of having already been isolated. Being alone is tough and is even tougher in hardship. Another difficulty is transitioning, when you're ready to act on the physical having to work through yourself. It's especially hard for me because it's not just the physical it's also acknowledging and working through the torrential emotion of my family life and overcoming that tendency to be withdrawn in my relationships.

    2. The need, the desire to be with someone when I still wanna sustain that wall: being the me with standards yet being open to someone and having the emotions come to the surface, having that person help me through it and be my guide of person in a new world. That transition is most difficult. I honestly can't say a man will respect what my life has been, up to the present. Men can't respect what they have not gone through themselves. There's a mental incomprehensibility. A lack of depth. A lack of perspective within having held oneself to a sexual standard. In being with someone he will not see sex from my perspective or treat me according to personal sentiment. Sex is the inevitable expectation. It isn't the culmination of all the work put into being a woman; In his mind, he can stay exactly the same as he was when dealing with mass quantities of females…..and still get me, a woman who is drastically different. Abstinence provides a leverage against being mistreated in that you know your worth and you'll tolerate less because of it; however, abstinence doesn't guarantee you'll be treated better. It just makes you a better person to yourself for having practiced it.

      1. You may not have found (yet) a man who will respect what your life has been; I’m a woman by the way, but don’t lose hope ,or, think you need one, for example, female friends, colleagues, neighbours, there are opportunities for alternative support networks

  19. Q1.
    I was committed to abstinence but didn't have a set time on it and wasn't doing it to wait until marriage but it lasted a little more than a year. I wanted to stop getting into a relationship in order to engage in guilt-free sex, so I eliminated sex as an option for myself and… my eyes were totally opened about myself. I realized that I actually do not want to be in a relationship right now, when I had always thought I was a relationship girl. No, I was a girl that wanted regular consistent sex with one person guilt-free. lol.

    Q2. What are some of the difficulties you face and how do/did you overcome them?
    I guess the most difficult thing was meeting people who were on that "are we f-ing or not" tip. There seem to be no middle ground like, lets be friends, let's be cool. That's kind of hard when youre a girl that 1.) doesn't want a relationship and 2.) is not sexually active. You have to value yourself for yourself cause a lot of guys won't see value in you.

    Q3. What additional tips or advice would you offer?
    I would just say to reassess your reason for being abstinence every few months. You are a growing and changing being and the reason you decided to start or continue in abstinence may change and it's always okay to decide to become sexually active again.

    As far as the guys, I agree with what others have written. If a guy turns down a potentially awesome friendship with a great human being just because she is a female and not sexually active, then he probably is not someone you want to call a friend anyway. His mindset is completely different. Worry about the folks that do meet your standards. As far a relationship, you already know you won't be happy settling for something/someone that wont make you happy right? So the guys that don't fit the bill, just don't…you can't change them. Don't let that distract your from your goals or upset to the point where you start to overlook those that do fit the bill.

    1. <quote> "I guess the most difficult thing was meeting people who were on that "are we f-ing or not" tip. There seem to be no middle ground like, lets be friends, let's be cool. That's kind of hard when youre a girl that 1.) doesn't want a relationship and 2.) is not sexually active. You have to value yourself for yourself cause a lot of guys won't see value in you. </quote>

      THIS! You just gotta come to terms with the fact that a lot of men see you as a walking nut and that. is. it. At first it's terribly depressing, but eventually it can be a bit empowering. You are required like me for me, because there will be no fringe benefits.

  20. If its for religious or medical/psychological reasons (i.e. nuns, HIV positive chicks and recovering sex addicts) I can't comment about abstinence, cuz that's different.

    But almost all "abstinent" women that I've met can't do it for more than 3 months tops. And they're only doing it because they got f**ked over by some dude. Their whole reasoning for doing it is flawed. They don't want to abstain from dick, they just have poor dick management skills. So they blame their bad habits on the act of sex rather than their own lack of self control. Stop skipping out on your grad school classes for mid day yams and you wont have to worry about being unemployed at 33.

    Ya'll really wouldn't have problems like this if you just set basic priorities and put more important things ahead of some sex. When you do that it can revolve around you schedule and your free time. I don't see what's so hard about this. This is like 99% of the problems women make up, aint really got sh*t to do with what they're talking about, the real problem is that they don't know how to get their stuff together and aren't aware of the game.

  21. Question: How do you abstain from dick when you're the one giving out the box?

    Unless you got raped you gave that box away. Learn how to evaluate and manage your recipients instead of being the frequent donor.

  22. 1) Readers, have any of you ever committed to being abstinent in the past or currently?
    Yep. I actually had a horrid breakup, acted mad reckless for a few weeks, then was like, ok stop having sex until you get your head right. That was supposed to be 90 days, but as I got to 90, I just said, YOLO and went to 180, and then after 180, I already decided who I wanted to have sex with and it ended up lasting until 210 days.

    2) What are some of the difficulties you face and how do/did you overcome them?
    I just didn't talk to nobody.

    3) What additional tips or advice would you offer?
    If you're wondering if you could do it or not, my only advice is that you have to limit how much you think about sex. At first it's hard but eventually your sexual libido will fall into place. You have to do things to keep stuff off your mind. I had to stop watching "videos" and stay out the strip club so much. Then when I went out, I made it a point not to really look at women too hard. Once you get to like 75 days, you're fine until you want to do it again. It's like quitting smoking.

    4) Fellas, would you ever date or befriend an abstinent woman? Why or why not? As men, what advice would you offer her?
    I would. I have. I think after you go 180 days without it, you look at it differently.

    I will say THIS. Abstinence and virginity are two entirely different beasts. I think we confuse the two because of the shifting definitions. The Christians were preaching abstinence to virgins, not people who already had sex and now want to stop. Abstinence today means that a decision was made after the virginity was lost. Virginity is different. Personally, I think saving it for marriage, like as a virgin, should have went away when birth control was created. When I look at that entire system, I think to myself, "Wow they really wanted to make sure that a woman didn't have relations with but one man. Lowkey, I bet that's cause if she got pregnant wouldn't nobody want her anymore." It was like a sick BDS, without the M strategy by men back in the day. Now abstinence is cool, like if you join the church and you want to really get back right with your faith. If you're abstinent because your vag or peen politics are suspect (in your personal opinion) then I think you should probably refrain from dating altogether until you fix those politics.

    1. I agree with your sentiments and yes after a certain amount of time, your thoughts settle down and your goals become clearer. It’s hard at first but the longer you do it, the easier it gets.

    2. J.,

      You obviously are not a true follower of Christ-I don't say Christian because people call themselves that without living out His commandments and in fact they MOCK them, like you did. Christians who are virgins, do so as a practice of their faith. I could share numerous scriptures with you to this point but in your case it wouldn't matter. My point in addressing you is to say this, don't talk about nor judge something you know nothing about. In reading your comment, its evident that you don't know the purpose of sex and that you are self-seeking and immature. There is nothing new under the sun and you argument is neither original nor Biblical and is therefore is not true.

      1. Well neither are you.

        I could break that down to you, but it's not worth it. Your entire comment reminded me why I don't associate with the subset of Christians like yourself.

        Good day sir.

  23. Kudous to WIM for mentioning resolve. That’s important, see #4.

    1) Yes. A year. During on which I ended up in a relationship.

    2) Other than urges? no.

    3) When attempting to date/get to know someone don’t bring up abstinence too early. In fact, I say bringing up abstinence is the same as bringing up sex. You’re talking about the terms and conditions of the sex life. I’m not saying it’ll be default scare people away, but what until you had time to actually get to know each other decently. I like sex. So if you bring up sex before we know eachother on any other non-superficial level, then I won’t have anything to counter balance the fact that you said I can’t have what I like. You want a guy to think: “She’s abstinent but…” with some thing he likes about you, the person, on the other side of that but. Basically, if you have more to offer than having (or having) sex then prove it by presenting more. And I mean going for more than “cool to be around.”

    4) I’d date someone abstinent with no problem (fidelity and all), but it’ll depend on two things: 1. Given I want a relationship (and like sex….. a whole lot), sex goes on the scale just like everything else when evaluating a mate. This means that in itself abstinence isn’t the sole decision maker, it’s a combination of factors. So those other factors must be present and be able to balance out the lack of sex. 2. The woman’s resolve. You’re essentially asking a guy who currently isn’t abstinent to be abstinent because of what YOU want. Which is another reason why #3 is important. In order for me to sign up for something I don’t like, I have to have a very good reason. So for me, this “working on me” spill wouldn’t cut it. It’s shaky at best. You should also be open to questions about your decision. I find it that people who cant answer follow up questions haven’t really thought about their decision. That’s wack. How can you expect anyone else to take you seriously if you haven’t taken you seriously? Peep the follow up questions: “We wouldn’t be having sex at every moment of the day, so what makes you think that having sex occasionally could preclude over all self improvement?” or “What specific experiences have you had to lead you to believe that having sex clouds your judgement on your entire life?” Answer to those and like questions determines everything. Frankly, if you haven’t opened yourself up and explicitly pushed for non-superfificial “getting to know” then more than likely every answer you mention to a guy would sould like crap really… Why? because you’re asking for my (a guy’s) loyality. And I’m not loyal to folks that don’t know. So handle #3. If #3 isn’t achievable then, on to the next…

  24. 4. personally i think it's a great thing if a woman wants to wait. i know that males and females get different things out of sex, and the potential emotional ramifications that (many) females go through when it comes to sex, that might make abstinence a viable option. i would definitely date her, wife her, what have you. to me, it's not a plus or a minus, it just "is". then again, my mindstate is towards a relationship that leads to marriage.
    that being said, she stated:
    "When I tell them I want to be friends and network and that I’m not on that with them. And that I’m trying to work on me; they have the same reaction, they either ignore it and keep trying or make a run for it. "
    as a male that's looking for a relationship, this would make me say 'peace' more than her saying she doesn't have sex. cuz to me, i take 'i wanna work on myself' as someone who doesn't desire to be in a relationship. but, that's just my opinion. i hope this female finds the emotional/spiritual clarity she desires.
    *heads back to the Death Star*

  25. I am a virgin and I think because of my age people always write me out like I can’t last it’s just a phase I’m in. Since when I cleared high school not so long ago I knew I’d stay a virgin, because this was not only a commitment I made to myself but also to God. My reason for still being this way till now is because I don’t want to be another statistic where I say my first time was with some douche who to him it meant nothing!! All my friends lost their virginity one by one as soon as they finished high school, and all I have to say is that I wouldn’t change places with them even if I was paid!! Every time I’m with a guy and the thought comes to mind it always seems comical to me. why would I want to sleep with a guy who probably is just there for sex. I guess all the stories people tell me have me paranoid or something because the relationships I have been in never last long solely because of my lets say paranoia of being chipod (slang in Kenya for being someone’s one night stand) but I do agree with you about doing it for yourself. this lifestyle that I chose is for myself I don’t give excuses to anyone you either take it or you don’t. I have no fear of being alone if it is God’s plan I cannot change it.

      1. haha glad I'm expanding your vocubulary 🙂 it's chee-pod comes from "chips funga" which in direct translation is chips take away 🙂 in short we say chipod 🙂 oh and chips to us is what you call fries :)))

  26. I was abstinece for 5 years because of the Christian lifestyle I was living but just like the writer said " if a man can't respect that, give him walking papers." Well that was my sentiments "GET TO STEPPING!" And I was only in my 20's. I wasn't losing anything by them not staying around because I knew who I was and what I wanted, and in that aspect it was all about what I wanted. So stick to your guns if you that is where you are in your life. If a man truly respects you and wants to be with you, than he will wait until you are ready.

  27. I think some of the men might have too high an opinion on what they have to offer sexually. If I could add another benefit to waiting to engage in sexual relations; BAD SEX is a waste of time and how many men do you know will make their business to ensure your satisfaction? No offense guys.

  28. @GennaG
    Can I throw in…a few ideas…?
    *Always have a plan for/on dates
    *Don't take him home unless you want to be tested
    *Try to not drink too much

    This is just common sense but it works!

  29. I guess in a way I've decided to abstain from sex until…whenever. I don't have a set time I just decided that I wanted more control over my body. I'll probably do it again once I find someone that I feel like I want to do that with. Until then, I got bills to pay and personal achievements to make. I know what d*ck feel like. That ish will be there tomorrow.

  30. Abstaining is more of a scary reality for me and I’m trying it out moreso for religious reasons (waiting until marriage) but it’s just not easy. I don’t know how long I’ll last.

    Lately it’s been pretty easy to abstain because even though I’m casually dating (I’m in my 20s)I never really meet guys that I really like enough to even begin to even think of entering into a relationship with. Either I’m not attracted or they’re just not that into me.

    I don’t know what I’ll do when I actually meet a guy that’s interesting and I really like and the topic of sex comes up. I’m sure I’ll feel the pressure and give in since it’s actually taking so long to find an interesting person. It’s just nagging insecurity…Until then I’m pretty comfortable. Gift and a curse.

      1. Who’s in control? I’m in control of my body but I admit that it just seems like a struggle trying to find love while also protecting your heart (insecurity and rejection) .

        Yes, I am an adult.

    1. It is rough, but it'll all be worth it in the end.SEX IS A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE. I'm telling you, you don't want the spirits of random people dwelling inside of you. This includes the people that your partner has been with in the past.

      I suggest Dr. R.A. Vernon's- Love, Sex, and Relationships (www.wordcity.org). If you can't afford product at first he's on youtube. Another good person to youtube is everything by Michelle McKinney Hammond is a life-saver to every single. If I were to give you any type of encouragement, it would be to think about the consequences before you act.

      Trust me, for those who have given up their bodies and have lived to tell the story, sex isn't everything. There is still an emptiness that comes through giving your precious body to some fool who didn't give a crap about you. It hurts. The only safe guard in keeping a clear mind and heart is to guard it.

  31. Sexual avoidance until marriage is a very rare occurrence. While it may be more common with teenage virgins this is a case where once the horse is out of the barn it’s damn hard to ever get those barn doors closed again.

    My own feeling, a woman who isn’t a virgin and has decided to take an indefinite sabbatical from sex is almost unheard of—if the right dude comes along.

    Keep that in mind. I said the right dude–her Dream Dude–not just any dude.

    So, if your Dream Dude shows up and the only thing that’s stopping you from getting together is a pair or panties and your newly discovered morality—I’d give you a good five minutes before your resistance (and your panties) are down around your ankles.

    Here’s the thing: Each of us is cursed with a little voice that shouts in our ear. Some say it’s simply our conscience, directing us, guiding us. Others claim it’s the voice of the devil. I won’t dispute either claim but I do know that voice can certainly get you in all kinds of trouble.

    In the case of the celibate who’s watching the potential loss of a great guy to another female, this voice is literally screaming: “If you don’t, somebody else will.”

    It is a rare individual indeed, who’d let potentially the best catch they’re likely to encounter—get off the hook without a fight. That’s particularly true if that great catch is merely expecting sex—not selling your soul; not robbing a bank, but sex–as a prerequisite to furthering your relationship.

    The answer is clear: In almost every case, she’s giving up the goodies.

    Can I respect a woman who chooses abstinence? Absolutely. But, in my opinion, a vow of abstinence in non-virgin adults is simply a way of saying the right person hasn’t shown up yet to demand an end to that abstinence.

    My recent post It’s Dangerous To Cheat On Your Mistress!

  32. The problem is that men and women define "independence" in different ways. For a man, it means being allowed and accepted for who he is rather than what a woman wants him to be. For example, I am a former Buddhist, current agnostic…I want to be accepted for who I am (the way women want to be accepted for who THEY are) without being "changed" or any BS about "being unevenly yoked" (want to talk about being "unevenly yoked?" How about MY intelligence vs. yours?).
    Women define "being independent" as self-determination; being able to do for herself. The Bottom line is that "independence" is an overstated term with an even more overstated implication. In order to be a part of anything which includes others outside of ourselves (such a relationship), it means that we must be willing to surrender some (or all) of our individuality and independence (most of that concept is based on fear of being "played," not love of self). Most men don't want an "independent woman;" we want a best friend!
    http://beyond-politics.hubpages.com/hub/Why-Are-S
    http://beyond-politics.hubpages.com/hub/Why-Are-S
    My recent post A Congress We Can Work With…Just A Thought!

  33. Abstinence- any self-restraint, self-denial or forbearance.
    To me its a cop out from true knowledge of self. People abuse drugs, alcohol and sex to escape from the pressures of everyday life. To make bad or good decision is all part of growth, To choose not to have chemistry of affection and mental stimulation from someone you are honestly attracted to. This is stagnating your experiences to enjoy your mind and your body. Just be wise for who you fall for and do your homework about the person. Law of attraction is real, you can’t make love to yourself. No one should willingly be alone. Why? For what purpose? That’s not living to live life. That’s energy wasted to not exist. And its disrespectful to be that selfish and God blessed you with a life! Embrace the pressures of life. When you learn to know what you want , you will know how to obtain it and keep it. Desire is healthy and mature. Lust is a negative emotion that leads to guilty pleasures.
    You trick your body into waiting. For religious reasons, fear of heartbreak, or personal challenge or for the sake of conversation. You will soon learn, you can’t fight what’s natural for too long. The body always wins. And if you masturbate to pass the time. Your building a ticking bomb to defeat your whole purpose of restraint .The beauty about the mind and the body and how well they work together is amazing if you understand the system. Example: Lets just say your dating on the market. And you meet someone you think you like, you talk and they say or do something to turn you off. At this point and self-check system just came into play. You are no longer interested. Your mind shuts down and your body for any further connection. The problem only comes in when ignore your true feelings and get hurt. Then you put yourself in a bubble and you never know who your meant to be with. Your not creating the chances for what you want for yourself. Thank you for reading my view and that just what it is! I love my life and its fun too! If you want help and a different perspective. Let me know! ; 0

  34. Being abstinent and really working on yourself in all areas of life has paid off for me. As far as my dating life, I've found that there is a significant amount of clarity that comes with weeding out the bad. I'm not confusing true love with my lust and strong desires.Personally, I've never dated scrubs. After dating them for a period of time, I realized that we'd be better friends, which explained the strong connection(s) felt. Now, if I would have slept with those guys, I would have missed out on great and fulfilling friendships. When it gets down to it, NO SEX before marriage is best. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

  35. Abstinence is old fashioned? News to me. Since when is a baseline standard old fashioned? Since the next generation started doing something new? Certainly not. I'm more inclined to label the new sexually free generation as the "new low standard fashion" than coining abstinence as old fashioned. This "new morality" is what's destroying true values. It's like you put it, If I want a job that pays $50,000 a year and I'm being offered $30,000; I'd have to pass. Abstinence will always be $50,000 and compromise will always be $30,000.

  36. i am 50 and have been dating for 4 years since my divorce. I thought that, at our age, we could be mature enough to decide moment to moment….! What I found out that men our age will walk away because women are "too easy" or that that sweet guy turns into a monster. I have decided that I am going to wait to get to know someone before we have sex, however, the reaction from the men I have met has been ferocious….! The guilt and pressure has quickly closed doors on relationships…which is probably a good thing. All I wanted was a little bit of time, not years, not months, but some time. I don't know what the answer is…but it is frustrating….

    1. The change in mainstream attitudes towards abstinent women seems partly because feminism has backfired (feminism being promoted by both genders; for obvious reasons hopefully) – I am open to being corrected. A movement I thought was for all women, seems to have left some women behind…

  37. For example, by promoting free women and men i.e. less of a stigma attached to active women, an abstinent woman has now become less attractive than the woman who is more free… does this mean then that feminism is now a movement that creates (unintended) disadvantages for some women?

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