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Dating a Married Woman

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As some of you know, I occasionally pen posts for BadOnlineDates.com’s Male Point of View. This week, I was asked to provide the male perspective on sleeping with a married woman. I could of made this a moral debate, but is that really necessary? I assume we all know cheating is wrong; yet, 10 – 25% of men and women admit to cheating on their spouse. Mind you, these numbers only include men and women that admit to cheating. It’s very possible the numbers are double that amount considering infidelity is the number one cause of divorce. I’ve written on this subject a number of times from a brief post highlighting the age and professions of men most likely to cheat, to the infamous Let Your Man Cheat, which received such a strong backlash, I later had to defend it on the Tom Joyner Morning Show (assuming this link still works).

I’m practical. I know cheating happens. I’ve done it. I’ve had it done to me. While I have outgrown cheating myself, I can only hope I one day find a woman who feels the same way or at least has the “brass” (shout-out to Bill Clinton) to tell me she’s considering cheating  before instead of seeking forgiveness after the fact. Only time will tell. Forever is a long time. Without further adieu, an excerpt from BadOnlineDates, A Man’s POV: I’m Having Sex with a Married Woman.

I feel that I should open this post with an obligatory and painfully obvious statement of fact:

Cheating is wrong.

I know cheating is wrong. You know cheating is wrong. It is safe to assume that every adult in the world knows cheating is wrong. However, because infidelity is the top reason cited behind the 50% divorce rate in America (followed closely by financial reasons); AshleyMadison.com, a website among many others that is dedicated to sponsoring adulterous relationships, has over 400,000 members and counting with extramarital dating largely dictated by women; and many of you reading this very sentence have cheated or have been cheated on by a significant other or spouse; it is also safe to assume that just because cheating is wrong, does not mean that cheating does not occur. I would love to stand (or write) before you today as a moralistic beacon of hope and integrity and say that I have never been a cheater, cheatee or the third leg in a tripod love triangle. But, that would be a lie. At some point in my life, I’ve been all three. Although for today’s purposes, I’ve only been asked to write about being the “other man” to a married woman.

I won’t belittle you with excuses for my actions. There really aren’t any good excuses to offer. When I was younger, I thought I had no obligation in the matter. I wasn’t the one that made a commitment to a spouse. I assumed I was just some guy at the right place, at the right time, with a wronged woman. You see, I’ve never pursued a married woman. I haven’t always turned down the advances of one either. Two wrongs don’t make a right and in this case, I was part of the wrong.

This isn’t to say I seek out married women to date. To the best of my knowledge, the number is relatively low. Although there have been times where I had my suspicions. I noticed that our phone calls usually occurred during prime working hours, like 7am to 5pm before eventually transitioning to text messages in the evening or deafening silence. Other times she might direct us to meet in non-public locations outside the observation of most locals. Some dates were cut short after hushed phone conversations. Remnants of invisible children whose names and ages were never volunteered adorned her backseats in the form of ghostly abandoned child seats, toys, and clothes. I’m not a detective, but I’m also not an idiot.

However…read more.

With a 50% divorce rate, largely attributed to infidelity, obviously married people are cheating with people in the general public. In fact, many married people cheat with more than one someone in the general public, so clearly someone is entertaining the advances of these married people. What is your opinion on infidelity? Where do you draw the line – emotional/physical? Have you ever been the “other” man/woman? Have you ever had to deal with your wife/husband cheating? Did you forgive and forget, forgive but never forget, or not forgive and divorce?

Comment(16)

  1. Personally, I think it's selfish to cheat. If you are going to step outside of your marriage, just be man or woman enough to tell your spouse, "look this ain't working, gotta move on." Who wants to be lied and decieved to? Plus when you take your vows, that's a sacred committment between not only your spouse but "the most high" also. Me personally, I know karma is a B**** and the results of being unfaithful are definitely not worth the risk in my view point. STD's, baby (child support is a muther***), and the negative stigma you will bear if you get caught.

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  2. I somewhat agree. I agree fully on the cheating part and obviously the easy answer is simple to say, “dot cheat.” I agree and that’s how things should be. But this… If you are going to step outside of your marriage, just be man or woman enough to tell your spouse, “look this ain’t working, gotta move on.” I can’t co-sign. We’re talking about a marriage here. I have friends and family that have gone through the financial, physical, and emotional devastation of divorce and it wasn’t even Lways a bad divorce or because of cheating. To choose to walk away from someone you once loved with all your heart is not as easy as saying “gotta move on.” Let’s not kid ourselves here, even “amicable” divorces are difficult. Bad divorces can RUIN you personally and financially. It’s not like just because you want out your spouse is going to say “okie dokie, where do I sign?” Getting out of a marriage, even a bad one, can be exponentially more difficult than getting in, especially if your spouse doesn’t want to let you go. I have my own personal thoughts on both subjects BUT in reality I simply hope I never have to confront either reality.

    1. All this you said. I'm sure if my husband had come to me and said "babe, I don't want to be married any more" that I would not have just said "OK" and went on my way. It's not that simple. As it is, when his cheating was discovered after my initial shock and anger and hurt, we went to counseling together and separately, family talked to us, friends talked to us, we talked and cried and fought. The road to divorce was almost two years long (though there only 60 days from when I filed divorce papers to when we were officially divorced — no kids, everybody taking what they brought and I took everything else). I loved my husband and meant what I vowed to him and thought we had hit a bump in the road, not a dead end.

      I hope when I marry again that I choose more carefully and that the man who makes those vows to me keeps them. I don't get grass is greener and the allure of strange and new that's so strong that I would risk my love, life and family for it.

    2. Yeah I get what you mean, but like I stated before cheating is a coward and weak minded move in my opinion. There is just no excuse for it and if you decide to step out and live a lie, you have to deal with the repercussions. Just how I view cheating. Yeah I know a divorce is hard and stressful, but as it relates to cheating, you get what you deserve. Point blank the end period. Now, if you decide to work on things, than that's good, but I just think taking vows with your wife and GOD is not to be taken lightly.

  3. Very true SLS. I just read a great book titled, "Living Happier After: 20 Women Talk About Life After Divorce" by Wilma Jones, which included stories about other women going through divorce. One thing I learned is that life isn't fair and sometimes you don't get to choose, but when your partner/spouse makes a dumb decision that ultimately ends a relationship, there are ways to move on in happiness- refreshing!
    http://www.livinghappierafter.com/

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  5. WIM: "When I was younger, I thought I had no obligation in the matter. I wasn’t the one that made a commitment to a spouse. I assumed I was just some guy at the right place, at the right time, with a wronged woman. You see, I’ve never pursued a married woman."

    This was me when I was in my early 20's. I never actually slept with a married woman, but I wanted to, and had several opportunities. For a long time, I regretted not sleeping with one married woman that I turned down.

    Religious notions aside, my thought was I'm not the one cheating, since I wasn't the married party. I was single and free to sleep with whomever I wanted. But when I had the late-night invite to come over with her husband out of town, it still just didn't sit right.

    I'm not going to pretend like I'm some moral exemplar for not doing so. I definitely understand the temptation.

  6. Ive never knowingly slept with a married man. Unknowingly? It's possible. I'm disgusted and turned off when married men flirt with me which it why I wouldnt do it.

  7. Cheating is a choice. I agree with @ Peter Parker to a certain extent. It is defentily easier said than done to just walk away. But usually doing the right thing isn’t easy.

    There are very few examples were I could possible see myself giving my cheating husband a second chance. For example if we’re going through some problems and he’s actively trying to help improve our relationship and stating his needs and I’m just being non receptive / cold ,while I don’t condone cheating, I could understand him making that choice.

    Now if we’re going through some issues in our relationship an he doesn’t speak on it, or makes very small half behind attempts to ” fix it” and then takes the easy way out and cheats , then there’s a 99.9 percent chance , we will not be married anymore. Marriage takes work, if you don’t want to work when things get tough, then maybe a life long commitment isn’t for you.

  8. I think a marriage is on a higher level of commitment then just the physical commitments. I have never been married, only watched from the sidelines or pretended and practiced, never the real thing. But I think the spiritual/emotional commitment is the most important. And not spiritual in regards to religion but spiritual in terms of the highest level of enlightenment. That being said, someone having sex one night due to the inability to resist temptation is often times not worthy of divorce. Self Restraint is important and respected but it doesn't and sometimes can't happen all the time. In marriage the line in the sand is drawn for emotional, mislead cheating. Telling another woman she is "the one, my soulmate, whom I love over anyone…" like he has told me for years and years, living a lie, then glorifying his dishonesty but repeating the same words to me. That draws the line for me.

  9. What is your opinion on infidelity? Cheating is wrong, point blank period. Nuff said.
    Where do you draw the line – emotional/physical? It's hurtful either way…kinda like a sin is a sin and a lie is a lie. There are no big or little lies, lies are lies and they are all wrong. Sin is a sin. God looks at all sin the same because it's all wrong.
    Have you ever been the “other” man/woman? Yes I have, unknowingly so. I don't ever knowingly date or sleep with or even entertain any man involved with another woman on any level whatsoever, married or not.

  10. Have you ever had to deal with your wife/husband cheating? never been married.
    Did you forgive and forget, forgive but never forget, or not forgive and divorce?
    Funny thing, I used to say that even if I was married, the first time my husband cheated on me would be the last time. Once I found out he cheated I would be out. No counseling or explanations would be needed. it would be a wrap for me.

  11. I was watching a great movie on Starz or Showtime called The Vow. I highly recommend it. There was a scene where the female lead character questioned her mom about staying married to her father, despite the fact that he cheated on her with her daughters friend. Her mom said this – "I was about to leave, I had my bags packed. Then I looked at you and your sister and realized that we are a family and I had to fight to keep my family together. I also Chose to forgive your father for the one thing he did wrong, and remember and focus on all the things he did right."
    I've also heard from married people with children say that you have to think about your kids, and not just yourself. I feel like my dad should've walked away from his marriage. His wife literally drove him to an early grave. But my dad was so selfless that he sacrificed himself for my younger brother and sister and chose to stay with her so he wouldn't upset their lives and have them go thru the hardships kids of divorced parents go thru. He chose to keep his family together for their sake.

  12. I know a guy who is African. He told me about how his dad cheated on his mom numerous times. He cheated on her and had a few kids with another woman. In cheating on her he passed an incurable STD on to her, (not AIDS/HIV the other non life threatening one). Despite all this she didn't divorce him and leave.
    She could've left, but she didnt' because he told me that in their culture the man gets custody of the kids if the woman wants to divorce him. He said that his mother knew his fathers mistress would probably poison and kill them so her kids would be his only heirs. So out of that fear, she stayed with him.
    Most everyone's situation is extremely complicated with regards to divorce. It's a major major life threatening thing almost comparable to a death.

  13. This means you should leave him alone a while to get over his pain.
    Sometimes, hurt feelings, anger and frustrations get in the way of love.
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