Home Dating & Relationships Dating 11 Things I’ve Learned About Relationships, Dating, Love and All That Other Stuff

11 Things I’ve Learned About Relationships, Dating, Love and All That Other Stuff


Each one of these could have been an individual post here on SBM, but it’s really not worth the series. This is a quick list of eleven things I’ve learned about relationships, dating, love and all that other stuff over the years. It never became clearer to me than in the last few weeks when I was able to put these thoughts into the form of a post. Enjoy and meet me in the comment section with your thoughts.

1.  Dating absolutely sucks

What could be more exciting than meeting someone new, experiencing butterflies and embarking on a journey towards love? Um… everything. Unless you are extremely lucky, you’ll spend the first few dates with awkward conversations trying to “get to know one another.” Then there are the awkward questions from “the world.” If you ever want to see something hilarious, walk up to two people on a date and ask them, “Are you guys together?” Watch their response.

2.  Everybody is a little crazy

Everyone has it in them. Some people just do a better job than others concealing it. You know what the definition of “crazy” is in a relationship? Not the way you would do it, and also, making little to no sense to you. If you find a person, and you agree with everything they’ve ever said and all of it makes perfect sense to you, #twitpicsoIknoitsreal.

3.  People are convinced that everyone else is the problem

If you ask someone why their last relationship didn’t work out, I’ll guarantee you that, “Me” will be the last answer you get. Most people are convinced that they are the best thing since sliced bread so it’s always going to be someone else’s fault.

4.  The space between dating and a relationship is more wonky than the Twilight Zone

After you’ve been dating for a while, you’ll come to this point of wondering, “Do we go together?” Well, from that point until you actually officially consider yourselves, “In a relationship” it’s just weird. Nobody knows what expectations they can place on one another and they don’t know what conversations or questions are fair game. It’s just an all around generally awkward stage until you finally agree that you’re only seeing each other, you spend most of your time outside of work and friends, with them, and you really would be upset if they weren’t in your life. That’s called a relationship.

See Also:  Men Don't Like Pretty Women

5.  Don’t argue with people you are not in a relationship with

I hate arguments with a passion. I personally don’t think you should argue if you’re not in a relationship, so I don’t. I keep quiet. I let the other person say their side, and then I move on from the conversation. It’s okay to have a conversation in which you don’t agree or you realize a difference in preferences, but if you’re in a shouting match or sending angry texts, you’re doing the 40 yard dash in a 30 yard room.

6.  Don’t pry

If you reach a point in the conversation and you see hesitation on the face of your date, it’s best to try a change of subject. People should tell you when they want to tell you, not when you want to know. It’s like old folks say, “If you needed to know, you wouldn’t have to ask.”

7.  There’s plenty of fish in the sea… until you’re about 30

I still remember the first day of college. I was 18 years old and my dad said, “You know how I always tell you to take your hat off when you go inside, keep it on from now on.” I looked out over campus and I had never seen so many women in my life. Fast forward… By the time you reach 30, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but you won’t want to eat all those fish. As you grow, add accomplishments to your resume, and move through networks, you make mistakes and some of those mistakes stay with you forever.

See Also:  When is it OK to Deny Him S*x?

8.  Pay attention

There’s an easy secret to women. It’s very simple too. I was dating an upperclassman and I made a mistake in the sack. (Hey, every 18 year old makes a few mistakes along the way.) She then calmly said to me, “Pay attention to how I react to what you do, that’s how you know if I like it or not.” After that happened, I started using that for everything in life. I went into full Neo from the Matrix mode at the tender age of 18. I could see the code. If you spend less time projecting onto someone else and more time listening and paying attention, you’ll be set for life.

9.  Do not look gift horses in the mouth

Over the course of your life you will encounter some people who are great for you. You know it on the inside, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted in someone. However, you’ll tell yourself that something isn’t quite clicking right and you’ll spend time mulling over the decision to move forward. Then, that person walks right out of your life and you  never see them again, or they realize you don’t appreciate them and they leave.

10.  Sex is probably the most accurately rated phenomenon on Earth

Some people say, “sex is overrated.” Other people think, sex is underrated. I actually think it’s accurately rated. Does sex change things? Yep. Can it sustain a relationship? No comment, but no. Is it really important to a relationship? Yep. Can you live without it for a period of time? Probably. Over the years I’ve learned something, take your time before jumping in the sack with folks. The right time to have sex is when it’s the right time to have sex.

See Also:  Role-play: How Women Make Themselves Unhappy in Relationships

11.  We all have the potential to be a Michelle or Barack Obama

Some of us are great catches and some of us know that nobody will want our behind in our current state, even if came with a brand new car and pension. If you are a good catch, then you know what you need to deal with and what you don’t need to deal with. If you’re not a good catch, then you know you need to look on the inside and make the necessary changes to get to a better place. The current state of relationships, especially in the Black community, are completely threatened by our immense amount of self-doubt. Last week, Michelle Obama gave a great speech at the DNC and a lot of women took to Twitter to tell the world how they wish they could be as great as Michelle. I believe we all have the potential to be Michelle or Barack. We’ve just got to rid ourselves of the self-doubt. Take a real long and honest look in the mirror and think about who you are.

This is my quick list, what are some of yours? What are some things you’ve learned over the years, funny or serious? Please share. Enjoy your weekend, see you next week.

– Dr. J


    1. I don;t wanna assume amything, but I was told someting similar to that- basically seeing som many women in college, especially Sexy, Pretty, and Beautiful ones, will get a Guy caught up and want to go Lil Waye "Every Girl", rather than focus Education

  1. Great post. I’m glad labels of “wifey vs wife” – which read as the one-sided “women are disposible” while we find our one and only, and also hurt the black culture – weren’t included in the piece. This was an honest and fair talk about the expectations and experiences between the sexes sans masculine pretenses and/or misogynistic talk.

    Thanks for the integrity and maturity in your approach to broach this topic.

  2. I actually like dating, my stories are funny again, my accomplishments are impressive again, turning from a stranger to someone she cares for is a great challenge. However it’s not all good in the hood some things I learned along the way…

    1. Women love taken men: I don’t know if it’s the challenge, the fact that there’s actually another woman they feel they can compare to but it seems like whenever I’m in a relationship or well on my way into one, that’s where I get the most attention

    2. Dating is one big game of chicken: Should I kiss her? When is it time to have the talk? Does she love me? When am I getting invited upstairs? It’s initially one big chess match, a woman doesn’t want to come off as easy, a man doesn’t want to come off as too forward. Later one doesn’t want to scare the other away. Even with healthy communication there’s so much unknown

  3. 1. I avoid this by getting to know people via phone or neutral settings before going on an actual date.
    2-4. I totally agree.
    5. Arguing is something I typically stay away from cause my temper ain't even right. I go from zero to infinity in a flash. So, I do disagreements…serious face and tone…healthy debates. I bebate/disagree with anyone (as long as they aren't a close-minded prick) for truths sake, lol.
    6-7. Agree!
    8. MAN! Observing and acting accordingly SAVES MINDS, LIVES, and TIME! Lawd, this is an art form that few people learn and use to their advantage! This needs a full post!
    9-11. Agreed!

  4. Great post Doc J. Your number 3 – Truth.com
    #4 is easy – to the men – once you sleep with a woman "in her mind" yall go together.
    Remember that and act accordingly and your life will be a lot less drama filled.

  5. #2 is the truth too.__I honestly don't think dating is all that hard. It depends on your personality type and how you look at things.__If you always have a "glass half empty" type of attitude then it will suck for you. Also many folks who are introverts and very shy have a hard time dating for obvious reasons. They have a hard time usually socializing and network in general. Things I've learned about dating and relationships is that folks need to seriously lighten the hell up………like seriously with regards to dating. Dating should be simply dating. Getting to know the person and having a good time. Laughing, hanging out, and just being cool friends. Do too much too soon and thats typically when "lies come and thats when the drama begins."

  6. Once you both spend enough time together and start to learn each other and things go well I think then u can Talk about being in a relationship, not just jump into one all willy nilly. I've learned that Open & Honest communication is crucial to any and every good relationship. If u don't have open and honest communication, whatever communication you do have is a time-waster.
    I've also learned to be more open minded when dealing with people and to know what I want and don't want and be able to clearly and effectively communicate that to the other person.

  7. Re: # 10 – I think what many women mean is sex without love and commitment is overrated. I agree that sex is 1 thing that will never be overrated and go out of style. Never Ever!

    1. lmbao @ #3 Slim….or until you can fart in front of them.
      How are you stuck? You don't have to ever be stuck. Just say I gotta go do something else pay and bounce.
      Whats starts online doesn't always end online.

  8. Lessons:
    1. Be prepared to spend $$, dating is expensive.
    2. Don't discuss sex on the first few dates, its lame
    3. Enjoy the other persons presence, even if you know for sure there will be no date #2
    4. Ask her what her favorite song in the world is. For some reason i get insight from music
    5. When/If you feel you'd like to pursue a real relationship with her SAY SO!

    1. cosign on #5 Mr. SD….dating should not be that expensive unless ur dating too many women at a time or unless ur dating a woman with really expensive tastes that purposely wants u to spend a lot of money on her all the time.

  9. I agree with almost everything save for 5 and 10. Everyone must have their opinion and is allowed to fight- even physically for their rights and voice to be heard. LOL.
    10; sex constantly in your face. Its enough now. Stop it.
    Just to add a little more to 8. We are all narcissists- just to varying degrees. We absolutely love it when some remembers/ knows something about us. We also love it when a person gives us free reign to talk about ourselves-while looking genuinely interested. I do this with clients and they are always to impressed that you remember/ know so much about their business- without looking stalkerish!!
    My mini list: 1) love your own company- friends wont always be around you, but you will!
    2)Have friends that represent different facets of your life, loosely using the term friend here. I am not encouraging a multiple personality disorder- but have friends to Wild out with, friends for the future, white friends, frenemies, friends to pray with, etc.
    3) This touches on #11, constantly find ways to improve yourself.. it goes back to point 1- its only by spending time with yourself and being honest that you realise your shortcomings and wanna do better! In that same vein- be with yourself, its that "Not where i was, not yet where i want to be" stance.
    4) Read.

  10. Things I've learned, one, I have to start doing things that I enjoy and truly find some happiness with myself. I wanted my boyfriend to be my best friend and do everything with me, but that attitude only seemed to push him away. I still wish we did a lot more together/ spent more time together, but I know the more I want it, the needier I seem. So I have to start doing some of my own hobbies and let him have his. Also, I've learned to STOP BEING INSECURE. It doesn't do ANY GOOD to bring up girls from his past, or say things about other guys to try to make him jealous. It only causes more problems. And when I see a pretty girl on TV that I think he would like more than me, I do my best to tell myself I'm just as good. It's hard, but being insecure and having him be turned off by me is a lot worse. Confidence and believing in yourself, being HAPPY WITH LIFE is just about everything! For yourself and a relationship. (If only I could apply this stuff on a daily basis. I'm working on it!)

  11. Wow. This article is like written for me. Thank you for writing this truth. It's going to help me get over my previous relationship that I ended…I loved it all, but it WAS just a physical relationship that was built up on nothing. To think of my behavior during that relationship…it's shameful that I just threw myself at him.

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