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Sex Is Better Than Love?

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I still remember the first time I heard one of Trey Songz’ latest tracks, Sex Ain’t Better than Love. It was the same satellite enabled rental car road trip that I heard Frank Ocean’s Thinking About You, which I wrote about here. I heard Sex Ain’t Better Than Love on that trip at least four different times, and on everything I love I swear I thought the lyrics were, “Sex is better than love.” I would continue singing the song incorrectly until I finally heard a DJ correctly announce the song. With my newfound clarity, I had even greater appreciation for the song I had been singing wrong for the past few months. Recently, at the encouragement of friends, I finally watched the video, which catches us up to present day and this very post.

For the sake of today’s post, I’m going to ignore the hypocritical nature of the artist, Trey Songz, who has undoubtedly inspired more one night stand sex than love in his music career. That is beside the point. This is a good song and a well-done video.

I like the video because it juxtaposes how much a person’s life can change based off a single decision; in this case, choosing to approach the woman on the right instead of the woman on the left. No one wants to admit it, but for a number of men this is the difference between meeting a random woman and meeting his wife – talking to the girl on the left or talking to the girl on the right (e.g. you or your homegirl that you don’t really trust or like that much, but she’s always available to go out, so you go out with her anyway and tolerate her company, only for her ungrateful ass to steal the one guy you had your eye on all night). If things are allegedly this random, then how can anyone have any real control over the successful pursuit of Love? That answer is two fold.

I been out here in these streets and I done learned
Every girl I gave my lovin to
Was only a substitute
I been out here in these streets and I done learned
Even though she’s in my arms
This ain’t where my heart belongs
Sex in the air, no love in here
Soon as I get through, I’m outta there
And it feels so bad, but it felt so good
Wishin I could care, girl I never could…

Fellas, we’re not completely without fault. While we all make mistakes, most men know when they see two women standing together which woman is most likely to be, to put it nicely, “friendly.” If you want a friendly woman for the night, that’s fine. However, you can’t be that guy that complains “there are no good women” when you consistently choose to approach the friend with her lovely lady humps hanging out the bottom and top halves of her dress as she barely manages to stand upright atop her 6-inch clear heels. Come on, bro. You know what life she’s about. This isn’t to say every woman dressed like a [garden tool] is, in fact, a [garden tool], but she does have on a [garden tools] costume, so chances are…

I’m not here to judge. If one-night stands and simple conquest with equally simple-minded women is your thing, do you, prosper, and flourish, my boy. I just don’t want to hear you complaining about the lack of depth you find in your relationships when you have demonstrated you habitually approach shallow women. Moreover, you may have to accept that short-term conquests don’t always equate to long term victories. You may have won the fight – finding a woman for the night – but you might have simultaneously lost the war – by passing up the woman you could have been with for life. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t easy. But, let’s be honest with ourselves fellas: We might not always know where a relationship is going, but we almost always know where it’s not going.

Look, I’m a man. I know that for the average guy – and I’m including myself in this description – having a beautiful woman randomly throw herself at you is as unexpected as it is exhilarating. This is why it’s up to you to know what you want before you’re confronted with temptation and the wrong head takes over. In the video, you’ll notice the woman in the red’s conversation appears to revolve around how quickly she can get Trey out of the party. Many men have or will face a conversation like this and rather than take the easy route, possibly literally, you may have to take a step back if you’re looking for something more substantial in your life.

We all know the odds. Relationships that start fast usually end fast. Besides, if you’re searching for forever, what’s the rush? Maybe you claim to be looking for forever, but keep settling for instant gratification without investment. If so, maybe you need to take some time away from the game. Take a step back and honestly determine why you keep rotating through the same types of women in the same 90-day rotations, no Joe Budden. Is this really a path you can (or want to) keep on or are you simply enjoying the immediate spoils without thinking of the long-term consequences? Based on your answers to these questions, act accordingly and most importantly, take personal accountability for the results of your actions.

1

Feelings I thought that I would never have
I’m so open and I got it bad
I got you now I’ma make it last
She says my baby she can’t wait to have
Love in the air, never been so clear
So beautiful, bring your body here
Let me fall into good love
I wanna hear the lovely sound
Let me take my time while we in this bed
You were made for me and I don’t wanna share

Ladies, you bare some responsibility too. I wish I could say there is a completely different set of rules for women to follow but there isn’t. What I’ve outlined for the men applies just as much for women; perhaps even more so given the additional risks and burdens. If you bargain for a relationship using your body, then don’t be surprised if a man values the pursuit of your body over the pursuit of a relationship. On the other hand, if your self-proclaimed independence is more significant to you than the humbling acceptance that you actually desire co-dependence – and one-night stands and simple conquest with equally simple-minded men is your thing, do you, prosper, and flourish, homegirl.

However, many women expect men to apologize for their behavior, which usually involves them doing something as crazy as treating you like an adult. It’s true, many men are guilty of enabling your decisions to their benefit, but let’s not pretend like they aren’t your decisions that are being enabled. As this only 22-year old realized here, if you need to grow as a person independent from men, sex, and relationships, then do so. In the meantime, don’t expect men to cater to you as an individual, because most men will assume, as an intelligently functional adult, you can make uniquely tailored decisions that you belive are best for the life you wish to live. That is what adults do. Now if he can’t respect your decisions, then let him walk until one of two things happen: 1) you are perfectly capable of standing on your own, when necessary; or 2) the right man, not just a good man, comes along.

See Also:  She Didn’t Want To Date Me, Because I Was A Black Greek

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Both sexes are guilty of settling for the Love we think we deserve. What I like about the video is that it does show (since Love is pregnant in the end) that sex can and should be a part of a healthy relationship. The key word here being “relationship.” One of the key differences I noticed as Trey rotated through women on the left, is he proactively worked to make the relationship work on the right. They both did, because they were both vested in the success of the final outcome. On the left, only one person was consistently vested, in this case the woman, and you’ll notice those “relationships” didn’t have as happy an ending. Yes, it takes two to tango – but this theory should extend beyond the bedroom. It takes the same amount of people to sustain a successful relationship. Of course many of you will verbally proclaim that sex ain’t better than Love, yet your everyday actions blatantly contradict your own words, because in the theme of the song, if you really agree that sex ain’t better than Love, then why do so many of you settle for sex without Love?

I been out here in these streets and I done learned that
I done seen it all, done done it all
So much better when you fall
Girl you’ve been my teacher and I’ve learned that
Sex ain’t better than love

Comment(25)

  1. I like this topic, but i feel its been exhausted and most people have firmly drawn lines in the middle of the road.. Those of sex and those for love- everyone else; your actions speak for you!
    As WIM says “do you, prosper, and flourish”.
    “Both sexes are guilty of settling for the Love we think we deserve.” I put two checks beside this!! Its so sad to see what people think they deserve. Id rather have what is commonly referred to as “unrealistic expectations” than settle. #jussaying

  2. As a cat that rains on parades, I might as well get to it. Happiness is what we all look for and want, but few are willing to put the work in to get it, and it does require work. I don’t know WIM, but I swear he was looking at my life 7 years ago when he wrote this, Trey Songz notwithstanding. I wasn’t a club head, but I was the guy who was invloved with 3 women at the same time.

    One was my girl, one was extra friendly, and the other was a good girl who had wifely qualities. Not proud of it now, but at 25 I saw nothing wrong with it. Ms. Friendly and I got tired of each other and quit each other. It started quick, and ended as quickly. My girl at the time, well we have a child now. The young lady who had the wifely qualities did in fact, become my wife. I say all this to say that even though sex was present in two of the 3 situations, and I did love my girl at the time, taking time to let love find its own way between Good girl and me has proven to be infinitely better for my life. It’s different for everyone, but for me, sex has been much better with real love involved.

  3. Cuz sex is easier than love….yuuuuuuup….hooooo yeah….whoooooa ooooooh…..

    Sad but true. However, I wouldn't say men are opting for loveless sex; if a genie told a man he would find the love of his life if he went a year without sex, most men would take the offer. I'd also like to think outside of exceptions most women aren't laying with someone they don't at least think they love or loves them. We do settle for love that we think we deserve but I think casual sex forever is something even the most promiscuous doesn't necessarily aspire to have.
    My recent post Today’s Word is… BROKE

    1. I co-sign Tristan. EVERYONE wants that real, true love. Few are willing to put in the work. My folks have been married for over 40 yrs. They have only been married to one another, only have kids within this union. They still behave like newlywed. I have a male friend who parents are the same. He always says that he wants what his and my parents have one. I say bull to that b/c based on his actions, the women with whom he involves himself, how he treats them, etc he is not laying a foundation for a strong, long term union. Since our president has been in ofc I have heard a lot of people say they want what Barack and Michelle have. Strong relationships like that are built over night or sustained b/c the sex is good. I think people settle, both genders, b/c it's easier and people have become so lazy and uncreative in relationship.

      1. "I think people settle, both genders, b/c it's easier and people have become so lazy and uncreative in relationship." MsLoni u are so right.
        It takes 40 years of hard azz work and goin thru a whole lotta sh** to get to the point of your parents and many of our parents and grandparents. Truth be told, many of us don't have it in us to last half as long as they do. We have too many unrealistic expectations, we're ready to bounce the second we're not satisfied and all of our needs and wants aren't being met, we're spoiled and want to get everything and give little or nothing, and we're lazy as hell and want to do the bare minimum and still expect to have a Barack & Michelle type of relationship that withstands the test of time. Not Gonna Happen!

    2. I’d also like to think outside of exceptions most women aren’t laying with someone they don’t at least think they love or loves them.

      Actually, I’d say it’s probably about 50/50 but this might also become a chicken and an egg debate, which came first sex or love? I think in most cases, sex comes before love in most modern dy relationships. I’m not saying this is good or bad, Im simply sayin what is. My point is if you should be having sex with a man/woman who has not even demonstrated or promised they can or will love you in the future. Having sex before love is fine but having sex to acquire love seems to place yourself in an unnecessarily vulnerable position, as the former does not gurantee the latter. It was that circumstance I was more or less speaking to.

      1. I think love is complex and deep…with levels…and that real, lifelong levels take waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay longer to develop…if it ever really does. I think strong like/care is often confused with love. We can call it surface love.

        So I agree, in most cases, unless you've waited about a good year or two to do the do, you prob had chex before super deep love…you could have had surface love. *shrugs*

  4. I think this is a fairly well known fact. But, "chex is doable until love is stumbled upon" is the general consensus amongst the fellas, right? I guess the better question is why don't guys find love to be worth pursuing until after he's sowed his royal oats? Why stumble upon it when you can actively pursue it?

    1. I’m not sure love can be pursued, can it? I’m saying there isn’t really a GPS to finding love, only different routes to arriving at a desired location. I think it’s the exception to the rule to know who you’re going to fall in love with before you meet them, unless you believe in love at first sight. Most time the evolution of love is more organic than prescriptive, otherwise everyone would do it – and I’d have to find something else to write about.

      To your other point about men, I don’t think men are not looking for love; although I do agree they’ll settle for chex during that pursuit. This is likely because men can/do view the two as independent instead of wholly interrelated – meaning you can have sex with or without love. Love, for most men, isn’t a prerequisite for having sex yet sex, for some men, is a prerequisite to finding love. So while related they’re not necessarily mutually exclusive. I think most men struggle to find a balance, pursuing one or the other to the detriment of both. I think it takes different men different time frames and personal experiences before they figure out that balance. Unfortunately, some times a number of women suffer from his life lessons, yet ultimately one woman (in theory) prospers. Not every “good man/husband/father started that way, even if that’s how he finished.

      1. "I'm not sure love can be pursued, can it?"

        Well, that's kinda the idea of the post, right? If you're checking out two women, go with the one you can possibly build something with versus the easy kill (since you already know she's not who you'll wife). Making the "honorable" choice (depending on what you want out of the pursuit), IS pursuing love, right? Not that you're forcing love to happen, but you're making selections so that love can happen if its supposed to…as opposed to choosing women you know from the jump you'd never allow yourself to fall in love with.

        Your explanation about balance in the latter paragraph is clear…and very good.

      2. “Not every “good man/husband/father started that way, even if that’s how he finished.”
        If more ladies realized this it would make men’s lives a hell of a lot easier.
        This may not be ideal, but it’s reality. Growth in evolving, everchanging, and most times never ending Process. For everyone it happens at different times and at different rates. Just because a person is childish and immature now, doesn’t mean they will stay that way forever. It does take a whole lot of patience to stick with someone during their growth process, but it can be well worth the wait. ijs.

  5. Yo WIM! This line right here, “…let’s be honest with ourselves fellas: We might not always know where a relationship is going, but we almost always know where it’s not going.”

    That’s the truest thing I’ve heard in a minute. I never thought much about it until now, but that statement is so accurate it’s almost scary.

    There have been plenty of times I didn’t know where things were going, but I’ve always known where a situation wasn’t going, even from the onset. That’s crazy when I sit back and think about it.

    Great piece man.

    1. Agree w/ line2… every relationship I've been in lasted 3-4 months with me in total control. I could drop a guy easy due to not showing true feelings… but the guy Im w/ now changed my routine entirely. I can see us together for the long haul… fast forward 9 months and we're talking marriage. eh..who knew?

  6. Great post WIM….I hope lots of men read it and get the point.
    Much respect to you for being so refreshingly openly honest and emotionally & mentally naked to the cyberworld.

  7. I have to admit, I couldn't get past the first few strums of the music and the fact that everyone in the video looked like one of my children. I am waaaay too old to listen to Trey Songz, but I will take your word for the obvious, WIM…

  8. I'm a not so secret fan of those willing to plant their flag in full view and proudly proclaim that they're happily unmarried.

    That declaration doesn't mean that they'll remain so. It may only mean that they enter relationships with an open mind. If the relationship never develops pass the girlfriend/boyfriend stage–cool. If it marinades, seasons, and matures into something "ever-lasting" then that's cool too.

    The thing is, one is not inherently better than the other. One does not automatically possess more intrinsic value than the other.

    If both parties are in accord–and I do believe that's it's only fair to lay our cards on the table fairly early on as regards our philosophy on such matters–then this can result in an immensely fulfilling union.

    Life is short. I think spending too much time obsessing over whether or not we slide rings-on-fingers, whether or not we murmur magic words like "i do" or whether or not we jump horizontal objects like brooms–is a waste of precious emotional resources.

    If marriage, shacking or any other variety of long term relationship happens–great. I won't be any more or less monogamous, devoted or enamored of you either way.

    If our liaison lasts but a few weeks or a few months and then we move on–I can consider that great too.

    Three important things I'd ask myself after any relationship ends–whether it be a marriage or something less:

    Did I enjoy myself? Was it more fun than anguish? Would I–knowing what I know now–do it again?

    If you can answer yes to those questions–then you may be guilty of a lot of things in that relationship. But one of them wasn't that you wasted your time.

    My recent post Attraction: You Like Who You Like!

  9. Great song. Great video. But the thing I didn’t get was, in the video both the women were staring at him giving him the same action. One turned into a jumpoff, one turned in to the love of his live and therein lies the problem. It’s hard to tell who’s going to be a jumpoff and who’s going to be the love of your life until you actually spend time with her, sleep with her etc. Women. One man’s jumpoff is another man’s wife and vice versa- One man’s wife was once another man’s jumpoff.

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