Home Featured Cuffin’ Season Tips: 5 Ways To Know Your Situation Is Not Exclusive

Cuffin’ Season Tips: 5 Ways To Know Your Situation Is Not Exclusive

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Often times people find themselves in situations without having figured out all the details. It’s almost like when people accept a job just to have a job without asking all the questions that you need to know in order to determine if you’d actually like to be an employee of that company. Well, I typically tell people that once you’ve lost Pride Rock, you’ve lost Pride Rock. What this means is that it is almost impossible to get any liberties back in your relationship after you compromise yourself. No shots, but it’s like those women who are having sex with you for a year before they decide, “they want to get back right with God and will remain celibate until marriage.”

In my J. Anthony Brown voice, “AnyWAY…” 

This week, a couple of us were discussing this; Is it “sex” and then “where is this going?” or Is it “where is this going?” and then “sex”? This was definitely a point of contention amongst men and women because while many people will say publicly, you shouldn’t hop into the sack without knowing where it’s going, they also said that sex could be a deal breaker in their relationship. That led us to this problem, “where is this going?” isn’t really allowed during Cuffin’ Season. And with that said, how do figure out if your situation is exclusive or not? Here are five signs that your situation isn’t exclusive…

See Also:  Cuffin’ Season Tips: Phone Etiquette

You haven’t met anyone important in their life

I’m not saying you should have exchanged numbers with their mama, but you should at least have met a few friends if the opportunity was available. If they mention that they’re going to meet up with their friends, but at no point do they ever consider inviting you, it’s a clear sign that they’re really not trying to be exclusive with you. Take it from me, real friends will hold you accountable for bringing a different person to dinner each time. Most people will save themselves the trouble and just never include their Cuff on any outings where the crew may be involved.

There is no acknowledgement of any important dates

If neither of you, scratch that, if both of you don’t have a remote idea of how long you’ve been seeing each other or when you met, it’s not exclusive. If there is no expectation that you will at least see each other on your birthday, regardless of the fact that your relationship might not be at the point of meeting each other’s entire network, it’s not exclusive. If holidays are never discussed, even the ones that don’t involve gifts, it’s not exclusive.

They disappear for long periods of time

Last week, I talked about text etiquette and how you must remain consistent to ward off questions. Well, if it’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that when someone disappears for a long period of time with no real tangible explanation, they’re up to something. But let’s say they’re not up to something, who would do that to someone they’re in an exclusive relationship with? Wouldn’t it bother you if you went missing and nobody came looking for you? For that very reason, exclusivity means no disappearing acts.

1You are never a priority

This isn’t bad advice; people make time for what they want to make time for. That’s really good advice. It took me a long time to be able to come to grips with explaining to someone, “Yeah, I would prefer to make this a priority over you. Sorry.” However, in addition to never seeming to be their first idea of a great night; lateness or cancellations because of emergencies are also an example that you’re not a priority. We’ve all heard of the “something just came up” girl; that girl or that guy is just not at all interested in an exclusive relationship.

If you’ve never had that conversation, it’s because there is no reason to have the conversation. Two people who aren’t trying to be exclusive avoid that conversation like the plague. Any sign of the conversation occurring is met with an extensive evacuation plan. Lord Jesus help us if the question is posed by others when you guys are out. Forget all that, let me tell you why the lack of the conversation is a strong indication. Nobody let’s anything walk out of their life that they intend on keeping. I can’t tell you how many men I know who have decided to cut the crap and settle down with a woman because they didn’t want to lose her. Or how many women have decided to cut the single, sexy, free routine because a good man was going to leave. Women and men are like buses, as soon as one is leaving another is coming. But, good women and men… come only a few times in a life time.

See Also:  Is it Ok for Committed Men to LIKE Other Women?

Now I’m not saying that your situation this cuffin’ season needs to be exclusive. “We have an arrangement” has gotten many guys through when brothers did not have. Many times these situations work just fine as long as the other person is a first priority. There are even times when, “I’ll see you when I see you” works great for people too. However, if you’re in the situation and you’re under the assumption that it’s exclusive and it’s not, it’s a total blower to find out it’s not.

My last piece of advice, make sure you know whether you want the situation to be exclusive or not before you ask. Plenty of us have all been guilty of asking, “where is this going?” when in reality we weren’t ready for an exclusive arrangement ourselves.

Chair throwing on Fridays? Why… not?

– Dr. J

 

Comment(20)

  1. Damn i do all those things, i guess it is sort of natural i don't think to invite them to social gatherings, tend to make plans on the fly, go days without speaking if you dont hit me up first, will probably pick playing Zelda on my phone over texting you and i'm the type that knows what he wants, if you have to ask me where we stand you should pretty much know the answer.

    That last little nugget of advice is key, something I learned the hard way. Seeing as I am when I lose interest if I notice the same, pride takes the wheel and i find myself fighting for something i'm not sure I want only to win her over and then KNOW its not what i want, i aint sh t.
    My recent post Today’s Word is… CUFFING

      1. What? No Sunday truce?

        The post was about how one is not in an exclusive relationship, I simply state i do those things, why? Because we’re not exclusive, we’re not an item, don’t expect girlfriend benefits if you’re not said girlfriend. What’s funny about these “signs” posts is the simple solution is communication, exclusivity isn’t something that is assumed. It’s a double standard really, if a woman was saying this about a man there would be no outrage, no bitter dudes saying she needs to be repurposed, it would be applauded.

        If anything I was brutally honest, tell me more how that is a bad thing.

        1. Who applauds that kind of behavior? To encourage anyone that treats people like that is as immature as the act itself. I mean c'mon, does the word R-E-S-P-E-C-T mean anything to anyone anymore?? Common courtesy is not that hard to show and if you're going out of your way to make sure she doesn't mistake herself for your "girfriend" by sending a text response hours apart rather than from the two minutes since you read it, you're using more energy than you would if in a relationship. Speak up! It is possible to lay down your ground rules and be a respectable person at the same time *gasp*.

          You said it yourself, communication is key…

        2. i'm not saying i do this purposely or that i even endorse the behavior, i simply admitted that i have done those things in the past (something no one seemed to pick up on), i didn't know it was courteous to come out and tell someone they're just a friend like they don't know that already

  2. I did all of that, and it wasn’t reserved for cuffing season either. I was the serial monogamist of the cuffing scene. It was always my way and my time, or any of the “ol girls” would be dismissed for being out of pocket.

  3. I have experienced ALL of these. Don't trip I'm not stupid or naive and know when the sign has popped up and make it a point to let you know that I am aware that we are not exclusive due to whichever of 1-5 has happened. The problem is men I have dealt with hate that I know its not exclusive so I won't treat them like it is. The idea of me still "moving around" seems to be a problem. Why?? The behavior isn't changing on their end (apparently I'm not the one) so I eventually have to dismiss them for 'being out of pocket'. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you does not sit well with the male ego. There has got to be a happy medium, this really shouldn't be that hard!

  4. I agree with all of these. But folks need to be mindful that you can have all or some of these things and it still not necessarily be an exclusive relationship. Thing is you need to ask the right questions and be completely honest with the other person and yourself. Folks change their minds sometimes more than the weather. At one time a man may have wanted to be with the woman and wanted to commit to her, then she did or said something he wasn't feeling or couldn't commit to, and he said, "never mind." It bees like that sometimes.

    1. “Folks change their minds sometimes more than the weather. At one time a man may have wanted to be with the woman and wanted to commit to her, then she did something he wasn’t feeling or couldn’t commit to, and he said, ‘never mind.'”

      Well, it’s funny you should say this because I’m going through a situation right now where all that’s been mentioned is apparent and I know it’s not exclusive but we’ve been casually “cuffing” for a little more than a year now (convenient chex for the both of us). I’m pretty sure I know that point where he probably said, “naw, nevermind,” because in the beginning, my head was definitely not in relationship mode and I was the emotionally and mentally distant one. Now I would like to know, how can I “change his mind” about me if that is at all possible??

  5. I would also like to add these:

    If that person doesn’t let you into any part of their life. If they don’t share any personal information about their life with you. If they get mad when u question them about their personal life.

    If they don’t invite you to so much as a cowrkers cookout or a happy hour with cowrkers, then it’s strictly business casual.

    If they constantly emotionally and mentally keep you at a distance.

    If you hardly ever or never go out on “real dates.” Just always chill in the house.

    If they never talk about you in future tense or include u in future plans.

    If he/she tells you that you will be great with somebody else. Or they tell you that they hope

    you be a great husband or wife to somebody else. Or they tell you they hope you someday find the love you want and need.

    Although these are general,they are also pretty common sense.

    1. Bree?? Sweetie, you are adding NO value to this conversation and you are a certified, official F*uck Buddy. What kind of men are you entertaining? Get some standards for Christ’s sake!!!!!!

  6. Too damn Easy!!!

    Especially No. 3, you can never go wrong or get confused — the message is loud and crystal clear you just pick up where you guys left off whether it's been a few weeks, a month, perhaps even longer; this also helps to keep things in perspective thus avoiding alot of unnecessary "what are we doing/how do you feel about me" type questions.

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