Home Featured What Makes Men Consider a Woman Too Needy?

What Makes Men Consider a Woman Too Needy?

29

We welcome reader questions, comments, and feedback here at SBM. You can check out our SBM Mail series here for past submissions, and you can submit your own questions using the Contact Us page. Today’s reader asks:

SingleBlackMale, I recently got out of a long term relationship with someone who either wasn’t willing or wasn’t able to meet my needs. Not sure which was the case. I feel like I let him get away with doing the bare minimum and I eventually got tired of it, but it took a loooong time to get to that point. Something inside of me felt like I was entitled to more than he was giving to the relationship. But on the other hand, I had a hard time asking anything of him out of the fear of appearing/feeling needy. *Sidenote, I think some of us who were raised by single mothers learned that we were supposed to do things for ourselves and never expect to get much reciprocity from men.* For about the last half of the relationship I feel like I was carrying it all. He always had time for everybody else and tried his hardest not to disappoint them, but he could come up with all the excuses in the world for why he had to cancel our plans or couldn’t help me with something. Yet whenever he needed something, who do you think was the first to be called? Evidently none of those priority people, and he certainly had time for me then. But when I would tell him that I already had plans or couldn’t do what he needed he would lay a guilt trip on me about how I was the only person that he had. I would fall for that mess every time. Anytime I told him that I needed him to contribute equally to the relationship it felt like I was doing something wrong, like maybe I was expecting too much of another person.

I was informed by a good friend that I was confusing being needy with having needs. And when I think about it makes a lot of sense, because I didn’t really want anything over-the-top from him. I just wanted to know that my love was appreciated and for him to show me that I was important to him too. Didn’t get that, didn’t even get a call on my birthday. I had never really differentiated between the two terms before, but I do know that I’ve heard women being called needy left and right by their exes and love interests. Some of them I think actually were needy when I think about it. But others seem like they were merely expecting, ya know, a relationship where their man actually helps to maintain it. There are needy men and women out there, but it seems as though the word needy is used as a blanket statement against women, and no woman wants to ever be thought of as needy and some of us will try to avoid it at all costs. So I ask, what is the definition of a needy woman to a man? Do men differentiate between needy women and women with needs?

As always, thanks for the submission! You bring up a few interesting points that I want to comment on and I’ll do my best to answer your question before the post is over. The first line that caught my attention was this one…

See Also:  There's No Middle Ground In Relationships, Either Yes or No

I think some of us who were raised by single mothers learned that we were supposed to do things for ourselves and never expect to get much reciprocity from men.

I see this quality in a number of women not limited to just those raised by single mothers. As a side note for myself – and on a somewhat related topic – I notice many men hesitate to date single mothers, because they think they’ll have to take on the responsibility of being a father figure and they recoil at the idea of instantaneously going from single man to single-responsible-man. Of course, that is their choice to make; however, their fears are only moderately justified. Clearly, as a single mother, she’s already perfectly capable of raising a child on her own. Further, although it obviously depends on the level of involvement of the biological father, the child already has a dad. I think some men confuse a woman who wants help with a woman looking for a replacement, which is not the same thing.

In the same context, some women are guilty of the same. They either don’t know how or are unwilling to let go of the reigns of control they have solely on to for so long in order to allow a man to help them. In addition, sometimes women are so used to sacrificing for others – as you seem to allude to in your story – that they give too much of themselves to others benefit; even if doing so is to their own personal detriment. I would also make sure that it is mutual reciprocity you are truly seeking, which means you desire a return of equal investment, and this has not been confused with sole reliance, which means your happiness comes from or is dependent on another. To expect others to create your happiness rather than sustain it may be an unfair burden, but expecting reciprocity from men (or whomever) is normal and it is definitely not a reason for you to feel guilty. This brings me to the next portion of your question.

See Also:  War On Men: Should Women Avoid Dating an Older Man?

I was informed by a good friend that I was confusing being needy with having needs. And when I think about it makes a lot of sense, because I didn’t really want anything over-the-top from him. I just wanted to know that my love was appreciated and for him to show me that I was important to him too.

….

There are needy men and women out there, but it seems as though the word needy is used as a blanket statement against women, and no woman wants to ever be thought of as needy and some of us will try to avoid it at all costs. So I ask, what is the definition of a needy woman to a man? Do men differentiate between needy women and women with needs?

I only have what you’ve shared here to go on, but it doesn’t sound like you had any unreasonable expectations. However, being perceived as “needy” is subjective to the person you are dating. In my opinion, it wouldn’t be inaccurate to say “needs are in the eyes of the beholder.” To answer your question, what one man might perceive as “needy” the next man might view as perfectly reasonable. Men do not differentiate between a needy woman and a woman with needs, because they can technically be one in the same. I will say this: when a man really likes/loves a woman, he wants to meet all of her needs (and most of her wants). Men in love find happiness in their woman’s happiness, so they generally go out of their way to make sure she’s happy by, in this case, ensuring her needs are met.

See Also:  Amber Rose, Kim Kardashian and The Truth About Men And Groupies

I would like to clarify that overall a man’s opinion on your needs shouldn’t matter either. I’m sure he has his own set of needs that he didn’t seek your approval on. If there are certain minimal needs you want satisfied as a woman, then you should want a man that is willing to meet those needs. I’m also of the opinion that the man for you will want to satisfy your needs. This isn’t to say your needs shouldn’t remain fluid, especially if they are unreasonable (and I’m not saying they are in your case), but regardless of what your needs are they should be defined by you not dictated by a man, because at the end of the day they are your needs. Once you’ve clarified your needs for yourself, then you should communicate them to the man in your life. A man should, through you, clearly understand what your needs are (please don’t make him guess, men hate that). To the best of his abilities, he should try to meet those needs and if he can’t that should be a discussion on why or why not as well. Ideally, you both understand what the other needs in the relationship in order to be happy and you strive towards meeting that goal.

What are your thoughts readers? What additional advice would you give?

Fellas help me answer these questions: what is the definition of a needy woman to a man? Do men differentiate between needy women and women with needs?

Comment(29)

  1. By definition a needy woman is one who is requiring me to satisfy a need or want in excess of what I would consider a relationship norm.

    In a nutshell If you exceed what I consider normal/average/typical then yo azz is needy!

    FYI Its ironic how guys classify needy and crazy as the same thing. We don't give a damn, we smack a label on it and keep it moving…lol

    1. My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. I contacted you and after I explained you my problem. In just 24hours, my husband came back to us and show me and my kids much love and apologize for all the pain he have bring to the family. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before Dr omon you are the best spell caster i really appreciate the love spell you casted for me to get the man back to my life i will keep sharing more testimonies to people about your good work Thank you once again Dr omon at ([email protected]).incase you are in any problem you can contact this man for help he is always there in his temple to help you solve your problem Contact Email is [email protected] Mary

  2. I think the consensus of men understand all women have needs, sometimes more than one is willing to give and it happens charge it to the game. But needy is wanting the most. It's really on the man and what consider the norm and what they find excessive. In most cases it's also the woman, some get away being extra high maintenance while others get hit with the "shooting in the gym" face
    My recent post Today’s Word is… CHICKEN

    1. "In most cases it's also the woman, some get away being extra high maintenance while others get hit with the "shooting in the gym" face"

      How do you determine who you'll tolerate high maintenance from and who you won't? I though that was generally a turn-off.

      1. I"m just gonna throw this out there.. it's based on his level of attraction to her, if he thinks she is a certified patented trademark DIME her neediness and/or high maintenance antics will get her a pass.

        It's funny to see what MOST people Say what they won't do BUT actually end of doing EXACTLY that.

        1. GirlSixx level of attraction makes a big difference too and if she puts the whip appeal on him really really really good.

        2. I agree with GirlSixx. when I gained weight but felt fine overall regardless of my weight. I would hear, "I don't have a problem with your weight…" Yet displayed really disrespectful ways during arguements to fly out of his mouth.

          I.e "Thats why your daughter is going to be a whore when she grows up and your son is going to be a faggot when he grows up". In front of them. My daughter is only eleven yrs. old that actually asked me mommy what is a whore?

          So perhaps your wondering how does this tye to this article? Well I am thinking in the realm of disrespect because i am over weight. I am 5'2 and I weigh around 160 lbs. So as GirlSixx as put it. "it's based on the level of attraction to her…"

          Best Regards,
          Rahmahtu

  3. I appreciate all you have done for myself and my family. My name is harry and after contacting so many fake spell casters that only played with my heart you´d got what I wanted: my family back. Your sincere kindness and thoughtfulness inspires me. You have touched my heart deeply and I will forever be grateful that you got rid of all the negative influences that surrounded my wife and I. Now we are back and my son is very happy again, with his parents together… Thanks ANTOGAI [email protected] all my gratefulness

  4. "Men do not differentiate between a needy woman and a woman with needs, because they can technically be one in the same. I will say this: when a man really likes/loves a woman, he wants to meet all of her needs (and most of her wants). Men in love find happiness in their woman’s happiness, so they generally go out of their way to make sure she’s happy by, in this case, ensuring her needs are met."
    All this right here answers the question.
    It's a hard pill to swallow when you love and care about somebody and it's not reciprocated, and you want desperately for that person to love and care about you the same way you love and care about them.
    You also want them to show their love the same way you show yours. Unfortunately it doesn't always work like that. If love was always felt and reciprocated by both people at the same time we wouldn't have anything to blog and talk about regarding relationships.

  5. Best advice is to be with a man who pursues you with intent and purpose. Be with a man who falls in love with you completely, and everything should fall into place. When the feelings and the level of love is there, then usually the desire to please and make your partner happy is there as well. If not, then your needs and wants won't be met because the person doesn't really care or doesn't care enough about you or they don't have it in them to love you the way you want and need to be loved. Needing to feel loved and appreciated in your relationship are perfectly reasonable expectations. If the man your with isn't giving you that let him know. If nothing changes seriously consider moving on without him. Regardless of the reasons why, if a man is unwilling to love you the way you need to be loved, and/or at the very least try to give you what you need and want then you won't be happy with him.

  6. When I think of needy, I think of someone that can't do anything without me or always needs a compliment or some type of validation. Of course some may say "a man should have no problems validating his boobookins." That is true, but there's a point where it becomes too much and our favorite word, insecurity, pops up. Come to think of it, I usually associate needy with insecurity. Anyway, the needy threshold will vary from man to man and woman to woman. I can't put an exact number or limit on it, but I know it when I see it.
    My recent post How I Used LinkedIn As My Career Consultant

    1. I know it when I see it.

      This. That was the hardest part about responding to this question – the subjectivity of what I define as “needy”. And it adjust from woman to woman. I’ll be more willing to do more for a woman I love than a woman I like. I’ll be willing to do more for a woman I’m in a relationship with than a woman in dating. And perhaps most importantly, I’ll be willing to do the most for a woman I see a future with than a woman Im just spending time with. Those are all difficult to convey and may be hard pills to swallow. I usually adjust to the needs of the woman I’m with, and if I feel like i can’t meet them I’ll let her know r leave her alone or both.

  7. WIM: "Once you’ve clarified your needs for yourself, then you should communicate them to the man in your life. A man should, through you, clearly understand what your needs are (please don’t make him guess, men hate that)."

    This. Step outside of yourself and ask:

    Does he clearly know what your needs are?

    Does he know explicitly what you expect from him? Meaning you told him your needs, not hinted at them, not suggested them, not implied them.

    Are your needs outside of the norm? Additionally, are your needs for excessive for the stage of the relationship?

    Asking for a weekend out of the month is not excessive when you first start dating. Asking for time every weekend when you first start dating is, but is not excessive if you've been dating for over a year.

    You didn't say exactly what your needs were that he failed to uphold, but I'll take your word for it that he was slacking. If he's just unwilling, then he's just not the person for you.

    1. At what point during a relationship should the girl be telling the guy her needs? When they're in a relationship. or while still dating, and after how long? Is there a difference between seeing and hanging out with someone vs dating vs being in a relationship? Is there any hope for a girl who has had a guy tell her that he likes her but at the same time doesn't want to do long distance? Should she be telling him her needs?

  8. IMHO, "needy" is when the person's desires (man or woman) cross the boundaries of the natural support afforded to a relationship. Wanting your man to pay attention to the things that make you happy & contribute is reasonable. Wanting your man to make you HAPPY is "needy". Wanting your woman to know that nurturing things like cooking for you makes you feel appreciated & loved is normal. Not knowing where the salt is located in your own damn house is "needy". Wanting your needs met does not make you "needy" unless you "need" that person to be your parent. In the letter-writer's case, you have a son, not a boyfriend, because that's the only instance where someone can ask you for the world, expect it from you, and still be ungrateful if you only give them a continent. I really need you to re-read what you wrote and ask yourself if that is the type of person you want around you.
    I will say, though, I have DEFINITELY heard the "needy" label thrown around at opportune times for people looking to get out of NORMAL responsibility. I once got called 'needy' for requesting one date night A MONTH after going six without leaving the house, so yeah, I know what she means.

    1. Maris: "Wanting your man to pay attention to the things that make you happy & contribute is reasonable. Wanting your man to make you HAPPY is "needy". Wanting your woman to know that nurturing things like cooking for you makes you feel appreciated & loved is normal. Not knowing where the salt is located in your own damn house is "needy"."

      There it is.

  9. Ladies, I think it's a waste of time to consider what men think your needs should be. In fact, I think thinking over long on what ANYone thinks you should be is a waste of time. In the end, you are an entirely unique human being who has her own unique set of needs and pretending otherwise is unhealthy.

    As for me. I believe that part of being an adult is being self sufficient. I used to think it was weird when people in relationships said they "needed" their mate. It took my guy a while to earn enough of my trust so that I felt comfortable depending on him to meet my needs. IMO – it makes him happy to come through for me and make me happy.

    Of course every once in a while he feels selfish, drained or too ___ to meet my needs and I have to fend for myself. During times like this, I'm SO grateful I the time to learn how to make myself happy & meet my own needs. And I think he's grateful too. IMO, the ability to make myself happy during the sparse times demonstrates to him that I need him, but I'm not needy.
    My recent post Why Women Want

  10. Is she really tryin to tackle a topic of needy vs. needs….girl get your mind right and learn to recognize game. Men and women will give you a complex about things to shift the attention off of themselves and on to you. So while you gladly accepting the bogus self improvement project they have given you, they are off trying to find another imaginary flaw in order to collect on something else of yours. . Know and define yourself first, if not, others will gladly. Think about it: "How are you a needy person and you are always in the position of giver?"

  11. I dont really view this as being needy or not being needy. It really falls on this guy being selfish. In my opinion your love was taken for granted in a sense. When two people are in a relationship it's give or take. I dont think you can be needy when you are in love and that person is in love with you. Its nice to be needed and feel needed. However when you find yourself giving all the time thats when you have to take a step back and reevaluate the situation.

    Its only normal to expect your mate to fulfill some of your needs. Im sorry you had to go through this. I once was in your shoes. And trust there is always gonna be a taker in your life. Take it as a lesson learned and move on.

  12. I think that she shouldn’t worry if the guy thinks she’s needy because if she made it appear like she didn’t care if he spends time with her or treats her nice or anything he probably won’t I mean everybody wants to feel appreciated in their relationship so

  13. my name is Mrs Johnson favor from united states we are now doing great me and my lover is now in good term because of the great power of priest omigodo he cast a spell for my lover to love me and respect me everything is now working well as he told me. contact priest omigodo via email address on [email protected] you can still reach priest omigodo on his phone number: +2348079367204 we just got married on 15/10/2012 contact priest omigodo for help and advise about your marriage or relationship

    AM NOW MARRIED WITH THE HELP OF OMIGODO

  14. Its funny.

    Some men love having all their needs met, but then when a woman asks for reciprocation to their most likely selfishness, she is classified as needy.

    Some of you men really ought to quit with your emotionally devoid selves.

  15. Am Vicky Ben from Canada. I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in may this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is [email protected] he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 4years. I really loved him, but his family was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told Dr Ogogoro what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 8 days when i returned to USA, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is [email protected]

LEAVE YOUR COMMENT

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get SBM Delivered

Get SBM Delivered

Single Black Male provides dating and relationship
advice for today's single looking for love

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Pin It on Pinterest

Shares
Share This