Home Around the Web Can You Really Have Sex Too Soon If You’re Both Looking for a Relationship?

Can You Really Have Sex Too Soon If You’re Both Looking for a Relationship?


I was asked to answer two questions pertaining to men’s view on women and sex this week on MadameNoire. Honestly ladies, I think if you have to ask if it’s too soon to have sex, then it’s probably too soon to have sex. It really shouldn’t be that complicated and last I checked, it’s your body. If you have sex one second before you feel comfortable doing it, then it’s too soon. In my opinion, there really is no such thing as too late.

The real issue here is the fact that it seems like a number of women believe they can manipulate a man’s emotional development through sex. In fairness, this idea isn’t without merit since from a woman’s point of view I can definitely see how it seems a lot of men do “change” after sex. Still, I’m afraid I must disagree with this theory. I don’t think men change as often as women would have you believe.

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, men and women are still convinced that men and women view dating, relationships, and sex the exact same way when it is painfully obvious we do not. In my experience, most women have sex to convey they want the relationship to progress; whereas, most men have sex because they want to have sex. Afterwards, these same women believe men change after sex, when in reality there usually was never a discussion about where the relationship (assuming there was one) was going to go. In this instance, it seems like only one person got what they wanted out of the equation. See the problem here?

It’s not that either party changed. The real culprit, in my opinion, is the fact that neither party was in agreement on where the relationship was going to go, which is why a little thing called “communication” is so important. Maybe the question shouldn’t be when is it too soon to have sex; we should be asking when is it too soon to have an open and honest conversation with someone you like? To which I would respond, “if you can’t talk openly and honestly with someone you’re planning to have sex with, maybe that’s the real issue.”

See Also:  Is Being Self-Employed a Red Flag for Dating?

An excerpt from MadameNoire:

Recently, a new book came out called WTF Are Men Thinking: 250,000 Men Reveal What Women Really Want to Know. One of the survey questions that got the internet buzzing revealed that 62 percent of men expected sex by the fourth date. Madame Noire asked me to address the following questions: When is too soon or too late for a woman to have sex? Does the timeline of when she gives in affect how men see her?

When is too soon or too late for a woman to have sex?

As with most things when it comes to men the answer is, “it depends.” For most men, there is no such thing as too soon to have sex, so perhaps we should differentiate between when men want sex and when men expect sex. Men want sex immediately. I would agree with the survey that most sexually active men probably expect sex around the fourth date. However, just because a man wants or expects sex doesn’t mean he’ll stop talking to you if he doesn’t get sex. If men want sex immediately, which rarely happens for the average guy, then obviously men are used to waiting for sex.

Men are sexual and visual creatures. So are women but if you think the average woman will entertain the sexual advances of a stranger as quickly as the average man, we’ll just have to agree to disagree (but you’re wrong). When a man approaches a woman, he is pretty much saying, “I want to have sex with you.” We can’t see your personality from across the room, so it is likely the physical that caught our attention. If we like nothing else about you the physical attraction still remains. As a frustrated commenter pointed out to me once, women control sex like men control commitment. For whatever reason, women aren’t as stingy with sex as men are with commitment.

Does the timeline of when she gives in affect how men see her?

Honestly? …read more.

So SBM family, when is it too soon or too late for a woman to have sex? Does the timeline of when she gives in affect how men see her?


  1. If a man really wants to be with you, sex will not be the determining factor. Sex only becomes a big issue when it’s the only thing you or him has on the table to offer each other. I agree with WIM, I think you shouldn’t have sex with someone until you are absolutely comfortable with him/her. Each woman will be comfortable in her own time, some women it may take a month some it may take six and some it may not be until marriage, it’s all situational. I think this is why the 90 day rule is some bull to a certain extent. A lot of women who use this are just looking at the time frame as a way to not look “easy “or “like a hoe”. They’re not focusing on the man’s intentions and asking the questions that pertain to where the relationship could possible go.

    1. I will say that some men do go the extra mile to get the draws and then kind of get comfortable after they’ve been obtained. But I think after a certain age (21) most men don’t really change after they get the draws, I think after some women give up the goods they start wanting more than what they initial received/expected /requested before they started having sex. What you open your legs up to in the beginning is what you will get in the end most of the time. If you opened your legs and never really talked to this guy about being more serious/committed or exclusive don’t assume your vagina will have that conversation for you.

  2. Yeah, I definitely have to agree with WIM. Women should have sex only when they feel it's the right time and they are comfortable with that man. If a guy is really interested in you, yeah he may want to get physically with you, but a true man will wait.

  3. Imma just copy and paste my comment from MN yesterday:

    The way I look at it is like this – it's like a game of russian roulette you can either come up in the black or the red, no matter when you give it up HE can leave you if that was his truest intentions in the first place; so basically you are always placing a bet so to speak that is why I say if you are going to sleep with a man at any given time DO IT FOR YOURSELF because this is what you wanted to do; not due to pressure from him, not because you was hoping or led to believe a relationship would come out of it or that he would see you as "The Special One" that way if it doesn't work out, *shrug* You just move on, no harm – no foul because you completely controlled WHEN WHERE AND HOW you gave him tha bizness

  4. I believe women use the 90 day rule so that they can get to know a man.You have to take your time to figure out what the intentions are in the beginning and make sure your on the same page. When sex gets involved the dynamic of the situation changes.The 3 months allows a woman to be more comfortable.It doesn't insure that things won't change but at least you can be comfortable with your morals and dignity.

    1. Three months can also give an insincere man a definite time table during which to behave until he gets what he wants. Honestly, I'd never tell a guy exactly how long I planned on making him wait. That's like telling a new hire that they don't become fully vested until 90 days, bet five they'll start facebooking at work on day 91. Time is essential to get comfortable but the 3 month/-ith date rule…setting yourself up for failure IMO. Better off just holding out until you're comfortable and communicate along the way.

  5. Now that I've actually read the whole article I realize that I kinda regurgitated WIM's point. Such is life, still valid though.

  6. from a personal experience when i opened up my legs too soon, i never got nothing serious, but that was my fault. i totaly take the blame for that. but "i thought" we were vibe'n but too him we wasnt. but i am not mad, at the time i was….i was like damn he dont call me or talk to me like he use too. Nig got what i had offred him and jetted off. i felt bad no lie but i took that as a "learning experience" get to know a guy before offering him that nookie. all guys arent worthy of the nookie!!!! so now i get to know a guy. that was when i was young and dumb but now i know better. Thank the Lord!!!

  7. I totally agree with WIM…..in my experience I’m always getting caught up with the whole sex thing. The guys ask why wait? When are we going to do it? Do you even like me? I’m very hesitant……and the fact is I’m just waking for that special person to rock my world and have that unbelievable passion love for me. Is that so wrong? I want to be able to feel really comfortable and relax knowing that he’s not using me just for sex. I guess communication is the key and to definitely not lead a guy on.


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