We all have skeletons in our closet. Some closets are more decorative than others but we all have them. Such is life. When your past collides with your present, the question becomes how much is too much. How much is your partner expected to bear? Are you obligated to reveal all the skeletons in your closet when you and your partner make a serious commitment? If you decide to keep a few buried, and they are suddenly unearthed, should your partner forgive and forget? Should they love you for the person you are and not judge you for the person you were? These were a few of the many questions buzzing around on and off the Internet due to a Yahoo ‘Dear Abby’ question from a devastated husband. It read as follows:
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for five years. I recently discovered that she made between 10 and 20 porn videos when she was 19. We got married when she was 27. We have four kids from two previous marriages.
I am devastated. When I confronted her about it, she cried harder than I had ever seen. She said she was lost, and it’s the biggest regret of her entire life.
I understand how hard it can be to tell someone you have done something like this. I haven’t led a perfect life either, and I have my own skeletons and things that I would never mention. But still, I can’t get over this. I have never felt pain like this in my entire life and don’t know what to do. I love my wife and don’t want a divorce, but it haunts my every thought. We have had a great life and I trust her completely. What should I do to get over this?
— DEVASTATED IN THE U.S.A.
OUCH! You can read Abby’s response by clicking here.
This man just found out his wife of five years was a former adult film star. I guess it’s all fun and games, until one of those “video” downloads features your wife (Notice the husband doesn’t explain how he “recently discovered” the videos, but I’m sleep). What do you do, what do you do? Given the severity of this particular revelation, I think we have to ask ourselves a few questions. At least these are the questions I would ask myself.
1. Can I get past the fact that you lied? Is it lying if you withhold information you thought I’d never found out? This one is up in the air, but I’d say, “yes.” With the continued advancement of the Internet, it’s rare that anything stays buried forever, so you might as well tell me upfront. I’d rather hear it from you than, receive a phone call from my friend at 3:45am claiming he spotted you on some sketchy adult website.
Besides, Kim Kardashian dropped a sex tape and she stays having boyfriends. Amber Rose in all her bare bottom glory is only one Google search away, yet someone put a ring on it – and some still view her as having reasonable wife material qualities. Making mistakes in your past is not unforgivable. Lying about them until they’re revealed? Possibly unforgivable. It’s important to point out that, compounded with the act, it is often the lie itself that is unforgivable.
2. How many movies are there and are they well known? “Between 10 and 20” videos is a strange answer. Either you did 10 or you did 20. Since women have a weird non-arithmetic based system when it comes to calculating the number of men they slept with, they will gladly tell you with a straight face that you can in fact sleep with a range of people. Over here in real life, this is impossible.
It’s different if you don’t know, but you can’t sleep with “between 10 and 20” men. You either slept with 10 OR 20 men. Specific to the situation outlined above, I’d need to know how well-known the videos are. In other words, are you the Roxy Reynolds, Karrine ‘Superhead’ Steffans, or Destiny of your respective genre? For the record, if you don’t know who Destiny is you’re proving my point. I need to know if this is something our children and I will have to deal with for the rest of our lives or will only a small subcircle of perverts know? There’s a big difference between having to deal with an issue once versus having it thrown in my face each and every day as long as we both shall live. Word to Kim Kardashian.
3. What were you doing in these movies? I might be able to make peace with the fact that you were a former adult film star if the movies you made weren’t too over the top. Hypothetically speaking, let’s say I’ve seen a movie or two in my day, hypothetically speaking of course. There is a wide variety of genres. If you were the soft, safe for home movie type as one might see on Cinemax at 2:00am, then I might be able to cope. Now if you were in Gangbang Queens Volume 10 – 20, ain’t no coming back from that. I’m sorry, but I’m out! A man can only be expected to handle so much!
As a continuation of this point, if we do stay together, I hope you know that everything you did in the video(s) that we haven’t been doing in our own personal love life is now on the table. If you’ve been giving me the “I’m not that type of girl” swindle throughout our relationship and I find out you are definitely that type of girl, I’m going to expect you to rise up and show me what you’re working with. Why should I only get a part of you when there’s clearly another side of you left to explore? It only seems fair.
In the Dear Abby situation, would you be able to stay with your partner? Has the Internet made it impossible to keep the past buried? Is your partner obligated to reveal all past indiscretions that might arise during the course of your relationship? Is there something you could never forgive your partner for, even if it happened in their past?
Just remember, it could always be worse.