By Muffie Bradshaw
Men and women both make dating mistakes. Here are four that come up for the fairer sex from Muffie’s perspective:
4. Ms. Anti-Commitment
You’re falling for him more quickly than you planned. The emotional connection that the two of you share goes far beyond the physical attraction. Although not anticipated, the two of you consider taking the non-exclusive dating relationship to a mutually exclusive level. He’s all in, but you’re not. You’re not exactly sure why you’re so hesitant to make the next big step. Everything was fine during the initial stages of dating, but now that the opportunity to take the relationship to the next level has been discussed, you suddenly wonder if he’s the right one. Not because he has done something so terrible that you can’t fathom the thought of being committed, but because you’re scared of committing to another person in fear that it won’t work out. Your past failed relationships run through your head and you think about how great they started out, just like the current one you’re contemplating. As a result, you refuse to commit and start the dating cycle with someone else hoping that he will be the “right choice”.
3. The Deadline Princess
In my perfect little world deadlines are only for weight loss, career aspirations and assignments…Not marriage. When you put a deadline on marriage, not only can you set yourself up for a huge disappointment, you put yourself at risk of getting a chronic condition called DG (Deadline Goggles). You’ve heard of “Beer goggles”, right? It’s when you’ve had a little too much to drink and that fine man at the club turned out to be a C-Lo look alike in Coogi and a Kangol. The same principle can be applied to “Deadline Goggles”. DG is a condition in which you’re so fixated on your marriage deadline of June 2013 that the guy you dated back in 2009 who kissed like a vacuum doesn’t look that bad anymore because you’re too fixated on getting married at a certain time. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married, just slow down and bask in everything that is singleness and dating because it’s a great way to hone in on what you want and don’t want in a mate. Enjoy the ride (honestly, no pun intended) and don’t be overly focused on a deadline because you may end up getting stuck with Vacuum Mouth.
2. Tunnel Vision
You’ve never dated a guy who was as chivalrous as the one you’re dating now. He opens doors and is a great conversationalist. You’re so intrigued because you have never experienced a man who is so pleasant to be around. You lose yourself in every conversation and the minutes easily turn into hours. So how did you overlook his blatant shallowness and lack of ambition? Easily. You were so enthralled by his few amazing qualities, your judgment was skewed. You wonder how you ended up in that predicament…
Some time ago, I was dating someone who I clicked with immediately. Conversations were never ending, his sense of humor had me busting out of my Spanx and he loved to do nice “thinking-of- you “ gestures. It was amazing! Amazing until I realized I was dating someone with no ambition, no common sense, and certainly no ability to–nevermind. How could I have missed those red flags when we began dating? I couldn’t understand why I didn’t see him for who he really was, until I got to thinking: I was so overly focused on the good qualities that I overlooked (or chose to ignore) the negatives ones. I thought that somehow his good qualities would magically cancel out the ones that weren’t so good. Although logically this theory makes no sense, it was logical to me at the time because I wanted him to fit into the mold that I created in my head. Unfortunately in the world of dating, it doesn’t work out that way. Good qualities never “cancel out” bad ones, you just have to make yourself aware of them before time, feelings and emotions are too deeply invested.
1. The Fixer-Upper
He exaggerated too much, he didn’t know how to dress for the occasion, hated animals and had no ambition. I did it anyway. I dated him. Although I knew the possibilities of him changing were slim to none, I was silly enough to continue the relationship. This meant that I committed and, by default, chose to accept all of him, not just the qualities I liked. So why is it that I got into this relationship trying to fix him when I knew his qualities from the beginning? I failed to acknowledge that people change only because they want to, not because I want them to. There was no need in trying to “fix” something that wasn’t for me to fix. He was who he was; and I needed something so much more than what he provided.
What dating mistakes have you been known for? Hello, my name is Muffie and I’m a Fixer-Upper.
One day I will I constantly found myself in relationships where she was head over heels and I simply thought she was cool ppls. I thought with time I can feel the same but all it did was make me too secure, when I knew she wasn't going anywhere and I stopped caring.
Know when to fold em we all invest time and effort in a relationship and when we invest so much we'll be damned if we don't get a return on our investment. I found myself in 7 month relationships that should've ended in 3
so tired of being alone Like previous problem I found myself either in relationships too long or ones I shouldn't been in regardless because the alternative of being alone wasn't ideal. There were times when I couldn't get anyone,.once I started dating regularly I almost always had someone. I needed to learn to be alone
too many cooks being a relationship novice at one point I would listen to any and everyone who had advice. Some was good, most wasn't. What amassed what a plethora of unreasonable expectations for what my relationship should be.
From the original post's list, I've been a Deadline Princess and DEFINITELY been a Ms. Fixer-Upper. But from Tristan's list, I can most certainly relate to the Know When to Fold 'Em scenario (especially when I invested so much and wound of with LESS THAN NOTHING) and the Too Many Cooks scenario (a green Southern girl thrown into the deep end of NYC dating with no clue about ANY of the games, etc.).
That first one hits home. As much as I get called a nice guy that just makes you feel dirty. Like she’s saying I love you and you’re like uhuh.
Hello my name is Magg and i'm Ms. Anti-Commitment… AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! But i'm getting better everyday… well i think so!!!
Hell Magg, my name's Insomnia and I too am a commitment-phobe….Nice to meet you! LOL I
AH! Glad im not alone on that road!!!
Hello, my name is Blue and I'm Ms. Impatient! I have very little tolerance for bull. I've accepted this and realize that it'll change when it changes. In the meantime, fellas bottle up any potential b.s. and set it to the left. Thanks!
What are you exactly impatient about?
"I have very little tolerance for bull"
So that means…if you think you want me to wait 6 months for you to "figure out" whether or not you want to be in a relationship, meanwhile giving up relationship benefits..NOPE.
If you "need time" because you just got out of a relationship yet YOU pursued ME…NOPE
I give guys a solid 2 weeks from the time we meet to ask me out, otherwise you've lost my interest. (That 2 weeks is very generous, and only because I'm super busy.)
You don't eat what?! Bye #aintnobodygottimeforthat
You're in your thirties and don't know why you should be opening doors, paying for dates, etc? #aintnobodygottimeforthat
Multiple kids, by multiple women, and no rings were ever exchanged? We clearly don't have the same values, good day sir!
Did you really just ask me why I have to be "so holy" all the time? Get. Out.
These are a few examples that come to mind, but in general if it fits in the b.s. category, I'm not dealing with it.
*in my jamaican voice*: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP
I will try the 2 week thing. I give way too many chances!
Like x a bazillion!
Hello, my name is Cyn…and I too am Ms. Impatient…also known as Ms. Zero Tolerance!
I've been trying to balance that with the reality of "no one's perfect" but…some stuff is just not my load to carry. And once I deem something beyond the scope of my abilities or vision for my future, that's a wrap!
Hello, my name is Jay and I'm Mr. All-of-the-above. As Tristan so eloquently put, there are many root causes of falling into any of the mentioned traps. It is something that we must work on individually to sort out. Quite frankly falling into these traps is simply a result of our individual fears, mostly for men I think it is the fear of being alone, and the fear of getting old.
The bottom line here is learn to identify our fears and understand that our partners whoever they may be are not going make the reason for our fears go away, they will only ease the symptoms.
Have no fear!
I'm Bree and I'm Ms. Impatient and former Ms. Commitment phobe.
No longer a commitment phobe. But still Ms. No BS.
Hi Bree, welcome to Impatient Daters Anonymous!
My name is K and I am a recovering Deadline QUEEN.
I am 21 and by last relationship was my first serious relationship. Looking back, it taught me that timing is everything. It also taught me not to put all of my eggs into one basket. I had this plan of he and I getting married soon after college once we could afford our own place. Enjoy the newlywed life for a good 2-3 years and then start our family. But now that he’s out of the picture and I’ve recovered from the breakup [and the 7 month long rollercoaster that followed], I understand that you cant plan love. I wanted the college sweetheart fairytale but I realize that it is rare and not for everyone.
I was chatting with some older coworkers yesterday. One woman had been married for 20 years to a man she married at 22. The marriage ended two years ago but she admitted that they lost the connection a good 10 years prior to the divorce. People grow and people change. That’s what the did.
On the other hand, another coworker has been married to her high school sweetheart [since 18 yo] for 30 years. They grew together and are still in love. But she said if she had it to do over, she would’ve waited. They both agreed that they would’ve waited for marriage at least until about 26, 27.
It was good to hear both of their stories. Especially since I had this whole dream in my mind of finding Mr. Right by 23 and settling down. Now im learning to just go with the flow and not get caught up in fantasy deadlines. If its the right guy, it’ll work itself out =)
Those are definitely milestones for those ladies. I was 21 when I did it and it ended after 12 years. Love just happens. My mistakes are thinking men just get it, listening to my gut when I know I should but he’s a nice guy and feeling like my standards maybe to high. I don’t have this list of attributes I want a man to have but I don’t think it’s wrong to be equally yoked. I was feeling guilty about it at one time and well I dated men I wouldn’t ordinarily date. That was a short phase. My motto now is don’t settle and if anyone tells you other wise they don’t have your best interest.
Typo when I know I should RUN!