Home Featured It’s Hard For Someone to Accept Love When They Don’t Love Themselves

It’s Hard For Someone to Accept Love When They Don’t Love Themselves



The moment we realize that the person we care about doesn’t feel the same way about us can be a hard pill to swallow. Many times we will overly blame ourselves or overly blame the other person, when it simply might be a deeper personal issue. Sometimes, happiness can seem like an esoteric thing all of us strives for every day.  People ascertain happiness in their own way and ideals. These things can change and evolve over time. Have you ever been with someone and you tried your damnest to make them happy? When it comes to relationships, we strive to make the other person happy or we try to make their walk on this Earth a little better. One of the most important things I have learned over the years is that if someone doesn’t love who they are there is nothing you can do to make them happier or to love you.

I know the concept sounds simple but let me put it into perspective. In relationships, if we truly care for the person we want them to be happy because their happiness is important to us. Cynics may say that we want them to be happy because making them happy gives us satisfaction, but that’s not where I am going with this post.  Internal struggle is one of the biggest wars we fight every day. The fight between who you are and where you are going is constant. It takes some effort to be happy with who we are. And let’s keep it real, we all aren’t walking around happy with ourselves every day. With that being said, we as people can care for someone so much that we want happiness for them more than they want happiness for themselves.

Relationships go through their ups and downs and I am by no means saying just because the person isn’t acting the way you want them to that they have don’t love themselves. People go through their own trials and tribulations and this reflects on their relationships with those around them. We can tell when a person is in bad place in their life, and many times we put on our cape (shout out to E-40) and try to save them.

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Some things people do have no explanation and many times don’t have a damn thing to do with us. We can try to prove our love and be there for them but it doesn’t matter what you do or say because if they aren’t happy with their situation or who they are you will never be able to satisfy them. They may even say to themselves that you aren’t doing enough or that it may be something wrong with you – it very well could be a compatibility thing – but at the core of it all, they may not be happy with who they are. We can never know the true demons some people are conquering in their life and we have to understand that we can only do so much to prove our love or prove we are the one to make them happy.

Lauryn Hill had a song “When It Hurts So Bad” that shows how happiness in a relationship is all in our state of mind. She said:

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don’t catch it,
If you don’t catch it,
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it

Like Lauryn said, one of the hardest things to do is separating what you want from what you need. I spoke about this before in a Marcus Graham Chronicles entry. It’s hard to understand the difference and duplicity between those two ideas; mix that in with someone who is unhappy with whom they are and it can become a tense situation. When it comes to relationships, the hardest thing to do is to truly see the other person’s perspective. For instance, when a person continuously disrespects our feelings we have to look at who they are instead of who we want them to be. We sometimes push our wants on a person instead of seeing what we need or can really get from the person.

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We all hate when someone takes our love for granted, but maybe it has nothing to do with us.  I have always believed that a person’s actions show how their heart really feels. I believe this to be nothing but the truth. But, one of the biggest questions is how can a person show love if they don’t even love themselves? After thinking about that question, then also ask yourself: Do I love myself enough to accept love?

Darryl Frierson runs From Ashy to Classy(ashy2classy.net) He also currently is the creator and co-host of “Straight Outta LoCash”  Podcast with comedian Jovan Bibbs. He also is the 2011 Black Weblog Award winner for “Best Culture Blog” and “Best Blog Series” for “The Marcus Graham Chronicles”.  He was named by Black Enterprise Magazine as one of the 20 Top Black Bloggers of 2012. He can be reached on twitter @diggame.


  1. Great article. I have overcome this feeling and let me tell you its a lonely road to travel. It takes courage to do a thorough and honest self reflection. It takes even more to make the adjustments where you need them.

  2. The answer is no I don't but I am trying to learn and doing what I can to love myself more.

    This article is so true that its scary. Our world is like a reflection of ourselves somehow. A lot of internal love will attract a person with the same vibration of love for you.

    Lack of self love will attract someone who doesn't love you enough or hurts you until it hurts so bad that you have to leave and self love is the only choice you have left.

    1. I agree with your comment. It took me almost 9 years to realize I had to become the love that I wanted to received, I could not affectively love anyone until I loved myself.

      You've heard the saying " You are what you eat?" Well, I say You attract what you are. Hurting people gravitate towards other hurting people.

      Now that I've learned the importance of self love and acceptence, I am looking forward to receiving the love I deserve.

  3. I'm on the fence with this one. When it comes to self love, or a lack of it, we begin to tip toe on the line of self esteem and mental stability issues. Perhaps I'm thinking too deeply into it, but I can't grasp the concept of a person who is of sound mind and body not really loving his/herself. There has to be existing underlying issues.

    I can agree that it would be rather difficult for someone who doesn't love them self to accept love.
    But I also feel that a person can most certainly show 'love' and feel 'love' even if they don't 'love' themselves. In such an instance however, its usually an unhealthy form of love. Passionate. Unbridled. Selfless. A yearning to fill some sort of emptiness. Manifesting itself in ways where one would be capable of resorting to drastic and even fatal measures at the loss of the relationship. Crazy love.

    Then again, its late, and sleep deprivation is kicking in, so maybe I went too far to the left. Either way, great article. I actually tackled the topic of LOVE in the week, but from a slightly different angle. The selfish angle.
    My recent post 21 Questions: You Can Go Through This Door, But HE Can’t? Double Standards in Society

  4. I think one is capable of loving without loving themselves. I see it constantly, often one feels they are simply undeserving of love yet they still feel almost obligated to continue to give. The second question is a completely different monster.

    Do I love myself enough to accept love? Yes I believe I am, I feel I am more than worthy of it, I expect it, i crave it, at one point even addicted to it (finishing up the draft when i finish making my rounds here, no promo tho). Loving oneself comes from understanding, comes from comfort. I'm not perfect, I never will be. I am content, not enough to stop improving but enough to expect the best. The best being pure manifested love.
    My recent post Today’s Word is… COURTING

  5. "I have always believed that a person’s actions show how their heart really feels. I believe this to be nothing but the truth."

    …and so do I! WORD!!!!!

  6. Great article. I truly believe there is no way you can love another person without understanding you have to love & respect yourself first. Once this is done a person can love another.

  7. I don't think they can. I think a person who doesn't love him or herself can seem like they're being loving, but their actions are motivated by the desire to receive love from that other person. That's not real love….Oddly enough, that same person wouldn't know what to do with love if it was freely given.

  8. I agree with this post 100% you cannot make someone happy if you are not happy within yourself…. You'll end u looking for someone to be your "void-filler". The more people understand this the less broken hearts there will be…

  9. Good article. Something this made me think about was an ex of mine that did not love himself. But my flaw I believe was that I wanted more for him than he wanted for himself. Took me a long time to accept that.

  10. No I don't. I never have. I seek validation from others and often mistake sex for love. I am 24 and have been trying to love me for a long time but somehow can't.


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