I was recently giving thought to past failures and things that go on in dating when I observed that a lot of men are put in positions where they’re constantly dealing with responding or reacting to a woman’s needs. I don’t think I ever looked at it this way until recently. Most men’s standards usually revolve around aesthetics and at a high level some behavioral traits like “isn’t too combative” or “doesn’t act crazy.” When it comes to dealbreakers that’s typically something that you’ll hear from a woman. A man may say that he doesn’t like girls with short hair, but trust me when I tell you this, at a few points in his life he’ll be walking in with a girl with short hair. Just about every one of those aesthetic dealbreakers that a man claims to have with be broken at one point in his life.
Women have standards and needs and they tend to bring those into the relationship. They also have baggage and flaws and they look for situations that will accept, coddle or work though those problems. For example, I’ve noticed that a woman who has extreme trust issues will bring that into a relationship and raise her own flag. She’ll tell her man, “I have trust issues, it’s something I’m working on. Just know, that’s the reason why I don’t like when you text me late at night, it makes me think you’re out doing something.” You see, that’s how it happens. Women also have standards about the men they’re dating as it comes to other things like appearance, communication, and conflict resolution. If you don’t meet these standards there’s a good chance that you won’t be able to seriously pursue that woman.
As I said recently I had given some thought to the need for men to have standards. For those standards to be met or for an ultimatum to be placed on the table. It should have came to me a while back, a few months ago, I was dating a woman and I realized I was chasing this girl all around at a certain point I had to stop myself. I felt like, “Why am I chasing this girl? I deserve better than that.” Then came the hard part – it’s really easy for a woman to have a Streissand moment and tell a guy what she deserves and that she’s better than what he’s giving her. For men, it’s damn hard to do that without coming across as an asshole. It came out like this, “I’m really sorry but I think we have to stop talking. I’m not trying to be condescending or cocky in any way but I was raised with self-respect and an appreciation for knowing my worth. I’m not ashamed to say this but I’m a good dude and good dudes shouldn’t have to try this hard. Either you’re not that interested or you’re waiting for me to go so far above and beyond it’s absurd. In my eyes, I strive to be the type of guy that a woman would find herself involved with and immediately begin to think, “I really want to make this work.”
I left it at that, but months later I found myself coming up with a list of standards that I think men should have with women and as controversial as some of them are, men are entitled to them. I’m a firm believer that every man has the right to choose not to date or not to continue dating someone if they please. I mean, don’t women have this right – don’t’ they exercise it all the time. Fair exchange is no robbery.
I decided that this would be my list of dating/relationship standards men should have:
Men should be able to decide not to date women who have trust issues.
Similar, but a different beast. Men should be able to decide not to date women who have jealousy issues.
Men should be able to decide that they don’t see the situation headed towards a relationship and be able to walk away.
Men should be able to have their own opinion on what they find attractive rather than it being dictated to them by the woman he’s dating.
Men should be able to be satisfied sexually rather than being reactive to what a woman is willing or not willing to do.
I finished my list and looked at it for a minute and I cringed. I thought to myself, “Really Jay? You sure that’s okay to call a standard in a relationship?” I mulled it over a bit and concluded that it was. I realized that if I turned the tables around and made each one of these specific for women, it would be perfect fine. Have I ever heard of a woman breaking up with a guy because he wouldn’t trust her? Yep. Have I ever heard of a woman breaking up with a guy because he was too jealous? Hell yep. Have I heard of a woman who just stopped returning calls and texts because she fell out of “like” with him? Mhm. How many times have I heard, “he’s a nice guy, but I’m not attracted to him”? TONS. And last but not least, have I ever heard of a woman breaking up with a guy because the sex was bad? Good God yes!
I guess it’s not so much about the list but it was about the realization that I think that men should be able to take an active role in the selection process of their mate. I find that sometimes when a guy doesn’t want to deal with a trait or a flaw that a woman brings into the relationship, he’s frowned upon or he’s being a jerk. However, I would argue that relationships are hard work and you should WANT to be in the relationship. You shouldn’t be forced to be in a relationship because skipping out on a unwanted relationship makes you a bad man. To me, it all goes back to self-respect. It’s not you saying you’re better than someone, it’s you saying that you’re worth more than what you’re currently being offered.
– Dr. J
What about you folks, do you think it’s okay for a man to have standards or dealbreakers? Moreover, do you think it’s okay for a man to determine that he’s just not up for the challenge of dealing with someone’s flaws? Last, do you think sometimes there’s pressure on men to stick with situation they may not enjoy?