Home Dating & Relationships Dating 5 Reasons He Doesn’t Want To Be Your “Friend”

5 Reasons He Doesn’t Want To Be Your “Friend”



For some men a lot of thought and hype goes into approaching a woman. Some men think “what’s the worst she can say?” Other fellas fear hearing a “no” from a woman indicating her disinterest. With that considered there is one curveball women seem to often throw. It confuses men. When a woman says to a guy “let’s start as friends” or something to that degree we end up looking like a deer in the headlights. Here are 5 reasons why he may not want to be your friend.

1. If you are a “bird” – Is it possible that you may not have a high level of manners or you’re simply loud? If a man can’t take you anywhere then he’s going to be reluctant to be a real friend to you. That loudness or not so flattering behavior you exhibit may cause him to want to create space.

2. He has been deceived– Many women use the phrase “let’s start as friends” to really say that she’s not interested. That is an undeniable fact and some guys have had enough (the devil is a liar!). The reason he might be worried about starting out as just friends is the proverbial risk of being placed in the friend zone. Many men feel like they have enough friends.

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3. Questionable past– I’ll be frank with you, some men aren’t quick to befriend women whom they know have been known to be “easy.” I also hate the fact that planes crash and violence is inevitable but it is a fact of life. Some men simply have the logic that there’s no need to be put through the ringer that other men haven’t been through.  This comes down to his intent, and if you don’t have the same casual sexual intent he has then keep that lace on!


4. Courting is foreign – Some say technology has expedited the courting process. It has expedited the process so much that the idea of just being friends only has almost become obsolete. With the idea that you should be romancing with someone who is your best friend, women have made it extremely difficult for men to gauge you all. You say you want a lover that’s your friend but when you legit don’t feel someone you use being friends as a poor excuse. This puzzles men and you can’t expect him to be enthused about the prospect.

5. Its expensive – Maybe men work largely on a rewards system, they say much of what we do as men as it pertains to courting a woman is in the hopes of one day sleeping with her. I won’t say that it is his whole reason for being nice to you. What I will say is that his desire to sleep with you may be part of the package. With that being said he doesn’t want to continue spending money on dates with no sort of reward in site. A reward would be as simple as just the reassurance that things might just be going somewhere.

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These are my words and I make no apologies.

Do you all have points to add to the list? Fellas what are your experiences with women in this regard? Ladies how many of you all can relate to the type of woman I described? 

DamnPops is a guest writer on the staff at SBM. His bio: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS 

“Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) http://viralstatus.com/category/kahlilhaywood/



  1. Depending upon your age – both quantitatively and emotionally – you have no need for new female friends – you can size them up quickly and they fit into one of 3 categories
    a) work on a relationship leading to marriage or something permanent or semi-permanent
    b) you just want to hit it and quit it
    c) or you just dont want to be bothered by her

  2. Lissen, I save everyone endless amounts of time by simply telling the truth (which is likely why I went from having "more guy friends" to having close to none). I simply use either six words or seven:
    "I don't want to sleep with you"
    "I don't want to sleep with you…YET"
    See, the problem is women do not want to deal with the trouble of expressing this so they giggle and play along so not to damage fragile egos. I give not one iota of a f*ck about that. Everyone from street harassers to "Steves" (please put "Single Sam in the search box for the funny) will get it, because I'd rather deal with a bruised ego now than the "hell hath no fury" of a man who believes he was "led on". Nope, nope nope. That's how you get a man at your house with crossbows:

    But seriously, the world would be a better place if women put on their big-girl panties and just #TellEmWhyYoLegsClosed. "Nope, I'm not 'celibate', I just don't wanna sleep with you cause I don't KNOW you." "Nope, I don't have a man street harasser. I just DON'T wanna sleep with you." "Yes, I like your company, but no, I don't wanna sleep with you." But it would also be a better world if MEN stopped using the "friend" line to keep a girl in "FWB relationship purgatory", but the world ain't perfect, right?

    1. I agree with this except I'm quick to remind mofos that I don't owe them anything. Not time, sex, nor an explanation. A simple "I'm not interested" is more than plenty.

  3. I have no problems with being friends with a woman. I mean, I've got my boys who are probably the closest to me and know me best, but after that some of my closest friends are women. I think it just boils down to two things:

    a) do I like her enough for it to upset me that we're just friends and
    b) does she like me too much for it to get in the way of us just being friends.

    I think if neither of those two things are violated, then the friendship's got a chance. But there are tons of women who use the "lets take things slow" approach with guys and he's supposed to know that it really means "I don't like you". Thinking back now, it kinda reminds me of another article that was posted here about why guys don't call back. I kinda think of these two responses in the same way.

    But in general, if they enjoy being around each other and just talking or hanging out, then I don't see why a girl and guy can't be friends on an asexual level.
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  4. Why must friendship be painted as some hellacious gray area, where one is to go and never return? While I agree with the majority of the comments above, I must say that men and women totally over-complicate the word. Men are afraid of being friend-zoned, while women are afraid of moving too fast. The term "friend" is simply a safe word used by men and women to be used in uncomfortable or uncertain situations. As a woman, friendship with a man is an automatic 5th plea to any labels, or accusations you wish to toss upon her. Picture this, two girlfriends are sitting down having lunch, one talks about a great evening she had out with a gentleman, however, once the friend questions where things are headed, the girl responds with – "we're just friends". End of discussion, case closed, really not much else to talk about. Anything said after that would just be pure speculation.

  5. To me it seems as if its too much work for some to maintain a strictly platonic friendship that you may have with friends of the same sex. Let's face it relationships are hard, be it friends, family, marriage etc. At one point or another one feels like testing the waters. If your dealing with the opposite sex who looks halfway decent, who has morals and common sense you may start to look at that person as a viable interest for themselves vs. someone else and develop feelings or an attraction instead respect and admiration. Which is ok to have feelings until one wants to act on it in the sexual form.

    From we were young girls played with girls and boys hung out with boys- we were conditioned at a young age to be separate from each other unless we were family or getting together for the purpose of courtship in our teenage years when hormones are racing. So it's no wonder when we become adults that many of us have issues with boundaries.We just were not used to those types of friendships. I would not think of asking my girlfriend to go to bed with her or a guy would not ask his homeboy to hit it or even flirt with them, unless of course that is what you are attracted to.

    Personally I don't have a problem with having a male friend and think it's great that we can share characteristics and give insight of our own gender. I just find that more men seem to always test the waters. i don't know maybe it's a man thing.

  6. I don't know. as a male I think I agree with three of these. Usually when I want to be friends with a woman I am dead serious. I don't want to test any waters, you may be attractive but I don't want to sleep with you and I haven't had any problems. I also don't have any friends that sleep around like that, male or female. It's just something I don't usually associate myself with cause I don't do it and at some point you're gonna want to tell me stories that I could care less about. I also agree with some women using the term friends as some ambiguous term that means "I don't know if I like you yet" or "I don't really like you, but I like you buying me food!".

    No, we can't be friends if that's the case, but then again I always made it clear that I was l courting or looking for more. I hate people throwing the word friend around all willy nilly anyway, most of the time people are just acquaintances, but because they've talked a few times or hung our twice then they're friends.

    Honestly, if you don't like someone then tell them you don't like them from the beginning and then see if there can be a friendship from that, but for God sake stop stringing people along. This goes for both men and women, just in case anyone assumes bias. Oh who am I kidding this is the internet. I had another point, but I guess my brain decided at the last minute that it didn't matter.

  7. I am a bit lost with this post. Of your 5 points 3 of them don't really make sense in relation to the topic. Specifically, "You are a bird", "Questionable past" and "Its Expensive". If a man has already made the decision to try and "talk" to a woman and her response is "Lets start as friends" none of these reasons actually say why he would be reluctant to do so. Why would we care that she is a "bird"? If she was good enough for us to pursue for romantic/sexual purposes then we are clearly well past caring about her possibly being a bird. Same about the questionable past. First how would he even know about her past? And if by some chance this was a female he already was previously aware of and why would it be okay to pursue her, again, romantically/sexually but not okay to be her friend if her past is sketchy? Thats doesn't make sense. And lastly, for the "its expensive", if she has turned down your advances for courtship then why are you spending money on dates? Who tricks off on women who have clearly expressed they are just your friend?

  8. Female friends are cool to have, but they have to be attractive. That helps you get more women when you're out with them. You can also have them accompany you when you're trying to get into the club, it will help you stand out when you're inside.

    But if you're just hanging out w/ them just to hang out w/ them you're weird and probably tried to get with all of them at one point but got friend-zoned. If you're getting friend-zoned that much to the point where you can hang out w/ 5 women at once, you're a timid individual.

    Your closest friends should be men, because when someone tries to fight you in the street you'll need the backup.

  9. If this post is any indication of men's approach, I can see why they'd be confused. Hell I'm confused just reading it. Are you courting the chick or just trying to smash? When I read through each bullet point it wasn't really clear. For #1 if she's a bird why are you even being bothered? With #5 if you're just friends why are you spending money on her? How about men make their intentions known up front instead of assuming they're owed azz or a relationship b/c they've been "hanging around" for a few months???

    I know that some women do the "I just want to be friends (but you can still spend money on me though)" passive aggressive rejection thing and that would annoy the heck outta me too. But is it really any different than a man's "I'm not ready for a relationship right now (but am still down to smash)?"

    Men really can't tell by a woman's actions whether or not she's actually interested or just bs-ing???

    1. Based on the post I read–"5 Reasons He Doesn't Want To Be Your Friend"–I can't figure out what the likes of you, Amaris79, et al, are responding to.

      This "5 Reasons" post has nothing to do with men "assuming they're owed" anything from a woman. Instead, the post stated, from a man's p.o.v., why men can get confused by "let's start as friends" talk. When women are more direct with their messaging, as many of you proudly assert you are, there obviously isn't any basis for confusion. No need to worry about our "fragile egos"–unless you need to attract better men.

      What this "5 Reasons" post is about is why "a man may not want to be your friend," for women who might be wondering. Women who have no occasion to wonder needn't concern themselves, nor resort to pretexts to air tangential grievances. (There's always Clutch for that.)

      1. There's really no need to be condescending. #5 says " With that being said he doesn’t want to continue spending money on dates with no sort of reward in site" — this is what prompted my "assuming you are owed" comment. Come on now.

        1. Persons might not want to continue searching for a lost cat "with no sort of reward in [sight]." This hardly implies that they are "assuming they're owed" a reward. Maybe they are willing to be helpful or gracious, before deciding that enough is enough.

        2. That's your perspective. He listed "it's expensive" as a reason to not want to be just friends. I didn't realize spending money was a requirement for friendship. It makes no sense but carry on.

        3. My "perspective" was merely a point of logic. But you're right, of course, that spending money is not "a requirement for friendship."

          The problem, for men, can arise during a vague, indeterminate starting/dating "as friends" phase. See the comments on "5 Ridiculous Things Women Expect From Men" for "expectations" that some women here would have men "live up to."

        4. The "logic" is not lost on me. I stand by my original post where I said some of the reasons listed seem to indicate that the man isn't clear on his intentions.

      2. Lemme help you out, love.

        "Many women use the phrase “let’s start as friends” to really say that she’s not interested."

        I responded: "I save everyone endless amounts of time by simply telling the truth (which is likely why I went from having "more guy friends" to having close to none)."

        Also, please see:

        "Some men simply have the logic that there’s no need to be put through the ringer that other men haven’t been through."

        "Maybe men work largely on a rewards system, they say much of what we do as men as it pertains to courting a woman is in the hopes of one day sleeping with her."

        " With that being said he doesn’t want to continue spending money on dates with no sort of reward in site"

        As to why we reference men considering they are "owed" something for their investment, and why I spent three paragraphs describing why that ISN'T an issue for me. MY reading comprehension is not an issues here, what you CHOSE to glean from my comment is on you. Thanks.

        1. Thanks for the help, dear. I am now advised that, like Chaka Khan, you basically are "every woman." So the post might as well have been about you–since we know you represent most women.

  10. My four closest friends are males. We've been loyal, prayerful and committed to each other as friends for years…that's how I know the girl-guy friend thing can work without any sexual tension, greed or disrespect…on the other hand tho…..the stories they've told me about other female friends matches this article steps 1-5…can you say blue print??

  11. Wel Iv been talkin to the guy for to months on the phone.then I met him once.then he came on to me he wanted sex I said I dont want it .Wen I said I don’t wana knw u he said I don’t wana knw u etheir his a pimp .i stel have feelings for him.i said to his brother by texsin I’m ready for sex I even knw wT job he does he’s not replying bk and that pimp blocket me and I’m stil texsin his brother to pas my msg.why doesn’t he want sex with me


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