My mother has been one of the most important blessings that God has bestowed upon me. Her maternal instincts, to her wisdom, humor, guidance, and tough love have aided in shaping the man you read before you today. Whether leading by example or speaking her mind (which she never has any issue offering opinions), she gave me a roadmap of how to maneuver the world as a man and a decent human being. I’m not a mama’s boy (I don’t think), but I care for my mom and have conversations with her about all aspects of life. My interactions with women won’t always be prevalent in these discussions, but when she wants to assure that her philosophy is embedded in my mind, she will drop knowledge upon my soul that will resonate throughout time. I wanted to share the lessons my mother taught me about women and dating that have helped shape my interactions with the fairer s*x:
I Aint Raising No Babies!
My mother works in healthcare and sees a whole bunch of crazy sh*t daily. High amongst these wild occurrences was a rash of teen pregnancies. We’ve all experienced teen pregnancy at some point in our lives. I still remember being shocked when one of my home girls showed up to school and was 5 months pregnant. It was taboo back then, and not glorified on reality TV as it is today. My mom would hear none of that, so she made sure to inform me that 1) She doesn’t have the money to help raise a kid, 2) We don’t have space in our crib for a crib, and 3) to keep my d*ck in my pants to avoid such problems, and if I can’t then I better be wearing a condom. I promise you this was our de-facto “birds and the bees” conversation and it was equal parts disturbing and hilarious.
I heard the message loud and clear, and avoided that early pregnancy bug. More importantly, my mom taught me that she would NEVER raise a deadbeat dad. I would hold equal weight for any child I brought into the world. She was a single mom for a time as well, so I saw the struggles she endured, and she let me know that a woman will do what they have to do for their kids, irrespective of the man, but a true stand up man would take ownership of that responsibility and not be a typical absent father. I understood the importance of safe sex, and how YOLO should never be applied when condoms aren’t available. No coochie is worth the trouble, not to mention the potential risks of STD’s. Sidebar, it’s funny how years ago I would’ve said avoiding a pregnancy > avoiding a STD. Then again HIV/AIDS were still mysteries. I digress…
No Means NO
I dedicated a whole section of my e-book, and shared it here with the masses on my mother’s teachings on this subject. Here is an excerpt from that article:
I would say that it has to be a gut feeling, mixed with the analysis of non-verbal communication. See, I’m always weary of trusting intuition. As a youth, my mom ingrained the following mantra: “If a woman says no, No means NO!!!” No matter what I thought she really meant I would stop when she says no. There’s a difference between a verbal confirmation and physical. There will be times when things get hot and heavy between a woman, and she might do a gentle push away or the classic “Let’s slow down” phrase, while she’s getting increasingly aggressive, but once she says to chill, I chill!
Almost 2 years later, those words are still gospel. With the current highlight on rape and the mentalities of our young men in blogs and social media recently, I make sure to perform proper due diligence on myself and my actions so that I don’t get caught out there. Call me paranoid, but you won’t have to call me in jail!
![[Single Black Mail] To have love and lost…](https://www.singleblackmale.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/heart_break_02.jpg)
**sigh**
I don't speak of him often, but the man did teach me that possession and ownership are two very different things. I know it sounds vague, lol.
Basically, I can tell from a mile away when a man wants me as a "person" or a "concept". Without delving into it too much my mother was a "concept" (possession, a thing to have), so the reality of she, and I (ownership, responsibility) became…complicated. It's not an insult. Quite often men AND women race to the finish line only to realize, like a racing game, it was simply the first checkpoint to a much longer race. That's why I don't want to "be married", I want to find someone I want to spend my life with.
"hat's why I don't want to "be married", I want to find someone I want to spend my life with."
What exactly is the difference besides the ceremony and pageantry of the former not being present with the latter? Conceptually, isn't it the same with the only difference being formality and a 'sense of ownership/belongingness'?
Mr. SoBo
OpinionatedMale.com
My recent post Shacking Up: What It Really Means When A Man Is Considering Moving In With You
I said nothing regarding whether or not I wanted a wedding. I am speaking to the difference between a person who wants to “buy” a house vs someone who wants to “own” one. For many, the goal and end point is at the point of sale. They give no thought into the work involved beyond it. I can’t tell you how many people I know that have gotten sticker shock when they learn the work has only begun. I have no interest in getting married for the sake of crossing it off, and I would like the same from my partner. Yes, men do enter into relationships and parenthood with the thought that the work is over once the title is achieved and they’ve crossed it off. Just as much as women. I want to build. I want someone as concerned with the foundation as he is with the height of his shiny new building. I want an equally involved participant, not a passenger. I know what it is like when you have to do all the work, and I don’t want to take that on just to say I have someone.
Oh, and I feel the same way about children. I know way to many people who’ve ended up on the short end of the stick because their partner wanted a baby and did not realize until after the child was born that they’d have to be a parent, too.
" She would tell me that there are basic things a man should be able to do himself without assistance from a woman (cook, iron clothes, clean, make beds, etc.)"
Boom there it is. Every man should know how to provide and take care of himself in every single way. Being dependent on another for survival is not the business for an adult male. He has to be resourceful, resilient, well rounded in all domestic duties. In my opinion anyway. Your mom hit the nail on the head with this one.
Mr. SoBo
OpinionatedMale.com
in addition to the 5 listed….
Your word is everything- As I got older my mother didn’t just tell me what to do, she took my word that it would be done, perhaps her personal test to see the type of man she was raising. She held me accountable for everything, if she overheard me tell a girl I would call her back in 10 minutes, she had better not catch me playing Madden in 11.
I dont think guys realize how important this is!!! And honestly its more important for the small things because it shows that you have follow through and can be trusted. (Big brownie points with the ladies)
But you can’t treat all these hoes with respect, and cooking is a woman’s job, I just need to know how to fix and maintain appliances and vehicles
"My mom would always tell me to handle myself with dignity when interacting with females (*ducks*). "
Lmaooo! Comedy.
I'm with you, Streetz. Very good, basic lessons anyone can adhere to in any kind of relationship.
Only line I take with a grain of salt is: "Women deserve good treatment and I shouldn’t stoop to any level regardless of the circumstances. "
I'm not down for stooping down to any disrespectful level, but just because the person has 2 X chromosomes doesn't mean they "deserve" anything. I won't treat you bad, but I don't have to treat you good, especially if you constantlly disrespect me/treat me bad.
Deserve may have been a strong word. I guess the take away is "be a gentleman"
+1
This was actually the lesson my mom told me. I still remember the time and place of the convo. Moms overheard me calling a woman a [female dog] because frankly, she was being a [female dog]. At first, my mom took the ladies side and said I should never call a woman out of her name. I explained that didn’t make sense and that some of these “women” out here don’t know how to act like a woman. Sympathizing with my logic, she clarified that I should never disrespect a woman and if I meet a woman who isn’t or doesn’t act worthy of respect, it’s still my responsibility to minimize or end our interactions. I still apply this logic to my daily life. I can’t respect every woman, but I also won’t entertain women in my life I can’t respect.
This is dope because, knowing you IRL – it's easy to see that you took heed and turned out great. Shoutout to Mama Streetz,
Yeah, good post Streetz. It's the words Moms told you back in the day and in the present that keeps me from acting ratchet or out of character when a female is acting a little un-balanced.
A man who can remember what his mother taught him or even have had a mother give him those gems are indicators of a good man in my book, or or the makings of one lol.
I have 4 brothers (I'm the only girl and the oldest). My mom and my step mom always tell the boys: Never do anything to a woman that you wouldn't want done to your sister. It seems to be working…
Sadly, your post made me reminded me how little positive insight my father has taught me regarding men
Please never do what another man would do to your daughter, think about it that way.