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The Curious Case Of The Disappearing Love Interest

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Dear SBM,

I have been talking to this guy for about 4 months now. We hit it off at the beginning. There wasn’t a day that didn’t go by that I didn’t hear from him. From the moment I met him, I knew he was a good person.I was attracted to him because he was a lot like me: shy, quiet, very honest, God fearing and respectful. I felt something “different” with him that I couldn’t explain.

Right when I was excited about a potential relationship, he drops the “I’m not ready for a relationship” bomb on me. I was ready to cut things off completely, but he insisted that he wanted to remain friends. I agreed to it but not without making it clear that I am interested in a committed relationship with someone, not a casual one. Fast forward, we have not consummated our relationship (although my flesh has been screaming!) and things have been moving at a pretty good rate.

But here is my problem: he recently fell off the face of the earth. Communication has never never been an issue with us. If I ever have a problem, I can bring it up to him and he’ll answer any concerns I have. When I inquired about some rumors that had been going around, he explained to me that he was going through something he could not discuss and that he hasn’t spoken to anyone. He assured me that in time I would understand, but he couldn’t get into the details. I live in a college town, so when somebody in the “black community” drops off the scene everyone knows what that means. After a little investigation, I got confirmation that there is a great possibility he is pursuing membership into an organization.

At this point, I’m tired of this. I feel like I’m always contacting him just to be ignored. Even despite everything that is going on, he can find time for his boys. Somehow I don’t fit it in the picture anymore. Should I just drop this dude? He already said he doesn’t want a relationship so I don’t even see the point of me waiting. And if I do let him go, should I do it quietly or should I make it clear to him that I’m not trying to play games? Apart of me is afraid to let go because he possesses every trait I look for in my HUSBAND. I don’t want to make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions. Plus I don’t want these chickenheads to have the luxury of meeting such an amazing person. But currently, he’s acting like the lame dudes from my past which is making me think he might not be so “perfect” after all. 

Thanks…

I think this is one of those situations where you kind of know the answer but you are looking to us for confirmation. So I will lay out the basics. First off, you guys were “talking” for 4 months and he already let you know that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but he wanted to be friends (to which you agreed). I would’ve said he just wants your draws sans strings attached, but you’re not being physical so that isn’t a real cause.

I see that you have an issue with his communication dropping off over the last few weeks. Being a member of a Greek org, I have to admit I chuckled a bit when you described his sudden disappearance from civilization. I’ve heard this story before. Now you say he has time for his boys and not you, but I can say that if he’s “busy” with things organizationally related, he may have time for them out of necessity, not to socialize. That doesn’t diminish the importance of him keeping you in the loop, but he might have different priorities lined up.

On another note, if you guys are just friends, then why are you worried that he hasn’t contacted you? Are you holding out false hope that there can still be a future for you two aside from a friendship? I think it’s more delusion on your end. You accepted his membership into the friend zone, but you still mentally treat your relationship as if its otherwise when he clearly doesn’t do the same. You guys spoke on the situation and came to an agreement, so if you are getting upset about actions that shouldn’t upset you, then the problem is more with you than him.

Now, you didn’t give any indication that he was leading you on  in any way, so I can only form an opinion based on what you wrote. My suggestion is to move on and find someone who is more in line with your relationship goals. If you still want to be friends with dude, cool. Romantically, you should look elsewhere. It isn’t healthy to play house when your love interest doesn’t even want to rent.

StreetZ

SBM Readers chime in with your opinion!

 

Comment(31)

  1. Hmm. Something similar like that happened to me once…except when he disappeared I stayed gone. He tried to fix his face to ask me after half a year why we weren’t friends anymore and I told him besides the fact that the phone works both ways and you haven’t called me in months, I didn’t think we were friends anymore. Plus, I really am not in the mood to be your in your reserve infantry, or meet the woman who finally made you wanna “try”. I don’t need a friend THAT bad.

    And neither does the letter writer. You really need a friend like that? You really think no other man is husband material? You really want to wait around until you get introduced to his fiancée? Listen, you can hurt now or hurt later. Pick now. Don’t even announce it. The only reason you’re even thinking of it is because you think the loss of you will “wake him up”. He ain’t sleep. Just go.

    1. Well, this saves me a lot of keystokes. Strong cosign.

      You say he's husband material. So is Michael Ealy (or whoever the hot negro is these days). The point is neither of them seem to be proposing (at least to you) anytime soon. You already made it clear that you are "not trying to play games", so there's nothing to tell him. Just end communication and move on.

    2. Female Here

      Maris, your response is on beyond on point! Seriously.

      Forget about this guy.

      Once he crosses, chicks gonna flock like crazy, trust me. Don't even be surprised if he sees you and acts real brand new like "what's your name again?"

      It is clear that you like him so first, admit that to yourself and then let it go. You'll be fine. When things like this happen, once you start doing your own thing, you will realize he is not what you even wanted.

      He wants to be friends, you want to explore where things will go, so ya'll don't want the same things. And if he ever does want the same thing as you, WITH YOU, I wouldn't explore that opportunity. Just try to get it through your head that he doesn't feel the same as you and that is really okay.

      Had the same experience as Amaris, sure every girl has. The guy really likes you and just wants to be friends but kind of treats you like a girlfriend/friend. It is confusing and not something that any women needs. Plus there are plenty of guys that will be your bf or your TRUE friend.

      Just a heads up for future, guys will let things like this drag on because they love when like them, and women are supportive in general. So he basically has a girlfriend in you without actually having to put in the work that bf's have to put in.

    3. This just happened to me! Is this an epidemic or something? I was talking to this dude for like a month and half then he goes ghost for almost two weeks. When he reappears I let him know where I stand and that i want to spend more time together. He says great and agrees with me. Then he goes ghost for another week. This time when he popped back up I let him know that whatever we were doing was over with. Good riddins. Gotta love yourself first.

  2. Girl… read your last paragraph… You're getting all emotional over a: F-R-I-E-N-D! He was clear: No relationship! No means no. Stop hoping already!!! And if you can't handle the friendship, cut him off (yeah i know it's hard) but DO IT!!!
    Good luck :)!

  3. Truth Bombs!!!! Great response. Women, we need to realize that there should only be 2 options for men who friend zone you: Actual friendship (I mean putting them in the same category as your homegirls), or the exit (stage left). If a man wants to be your friend, he doesn't want to be your boyfriend/fiancé/husband. Stop trying to put squares into triangle holes!!!!

  4. Basically everyone beat me to the punch . Umm he was honest and up front about not wanting what you wanted . He said lets be friends , which really means lets stay cordial and polite in public with one another. I think your just getting a taste of rejection pie and it’s hurting your feelings. You said you haven’t been intimate with the guy so why does it even matter. While 4 months might seem like an eternity , it really isn’t . Move on, delete his number and live your life.

    Sometimes we build an image of what we want or hope a man will be in our head , in the early stages of dating . When said man leaves we feel like we’re missing out on something , when in actuality , we probably aren’t missing out on too much. I mean don’t be out here looking desperate for his attention. Have some pride , and move on for yourself. Also don’t rush to date someone else to et his attention, you’ll just end up in a bigger mess.

  5. Side note: a big part of a man being husband material is him actually wanting to be in a healthy , positive progressive relationship with YOU.

    How can someone who is’nt interested in being your boyfriend have husband potential. Girl I think your giving this guy to much credit. I do I had to point that out because I see too many women chasing or dealing with men they deem husband material, based off of a few character traits. Yet they ignore the biggest trait/ quality that would make a man husband material which is him actually being into/interested in being with you in a progressive relationship .

    1. i don't even want to diss the guy, i mean he probably is husband material… He just doesn't want to be in a relationship with HER… He's gonna be a good husband to someone else…

      1. I’m not dissing him. I just think while on a general level he’s probably a good guy, he’s not the good guy for her. He might be husband material for someone but not her , so she shouldn’t keep her fingers crossed and waiting because she thinks he’s husband material especially since he doesn’t meet one of the basic requirements to even be considered potential husband material ,( being interested in a relationship with her).

    2. Smilez_920: "a big part of a man being husband material is him actually wanting to be in a healthy , positive progressive relationship with YOU. How can someone who is'nt interested in being your boyfriend have husband potential."

      Requoted, just in case someone missed it the first time.

  6. Girl, drop him. If you think he’s noncommittal now, he’ll be even less available when he crosses. The “chickenheads” will come hard. As a young single man, do you think he’ll resist when it’s thrown at him? He will only be serious about you when he’s absolutely ready. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Why are you looking to get married so young? Sometimes I think I’m the only female in college who wants to take her time. Smell the flowers!

    1. you can smell the flowers all you want, Jai but please be warned, the after-college pickings will be very slim!

      1. That reminds me of the post Susan Patton wrote to Princeton a few days ago….I think the pickings are slim for both sexes…..

  7. Drop him. Men know by 4 months of "talking" if they want to stake a claim on a woman..even if he has to wait for some s*x (because she has proven herself to be worth waiting for).

    I read that if men don't get the "romantic" tingle for a woman within a couple of months TOPS, he's never going to.

  8. "Somehow I don’t fit it in the picture anymore." – She is creeping him out because she is behaving as if he is hers but he just doesn't realize it yet.

    "Should I just drop this dude?" – LOL. He's not hers to drop.

    "And if I do let him go, should I do it quietly or should I make it clear to him that I’m not trying to play games?" – Repeat, he's not hers to let go. She is playing games. Even her pretending to not play games is her playing a game.

    "Plus I don’t want these chickenheads to have the luxury of meeting such an amazing person." – One of the few honest, realistic statements she makes. Maybe she's starting to be honest with herself?

    "But currently, he’s acting like the lame dudes from my past which is making me think he might not be so “perfect” after all." – Nope, she doesn't want to be honest with herself after all. She's creeping him the eff out but it's really his fault after all.

    And the hamster wheel turns…

    1. LOL seems like she’s just having a hard time handling rejection. She’s looking for something serious which is fine. But clearly (due to the fact she mentioned all the other lame dudes) she might want to do some self reflecting.

  9. She says he has all the qualities she looks for in a husband; I guess accountability and consideration ISN’T one of them…. but hey we all want different things. *shrug*

  10. As someone mentioned above, you clearly already know the answer to this question. To leave him alone. From personal experience, when a man "doesn't want a relationship" it means they don't want it with you. I've made the mistake of waiting around with false hope only to be hurt in the end. My advice to you is to keep it moving and cut off all contact. This means delete him from all social networks, delete his number from your phone so you won't be tempted to call, and to let the "friendship" go. This will make it sting a lot less in the end and will help you get over him extremely easier than you would if you kept him around. 99% of the time these types of men never decide to be with you no matter how hard you try to show them that you are a good woman or how hard you try to prove that you two would be good together because they knew they didn't want to be with you from the beginning, OR something happened within the situation that let them know that you weren't the one for them. Trust me…move on.

  11. Girl, Keep it moving. Going through a similar situation now. Been dating this guy for over 8 months. In the intial months, it was fun, light and flirty. I was dating others and assumed he was as well. THEN around month 5 or so, after spending increased amounts of time with him in person and on phone, I started catching feelings. I assumed he was too based on his "actions" of sharing,opening up and spending time with me. We became intimate (my fleshly decision) around month 6. Fast forward, I asked the "what are we doing" question?He conveyed his grand feelings for me but can not commit right now. He asked "what's next". I offered.. platonic friendship or carry on as we were. Actually, I kind of pressured him to choose. He chose platonic because he sees this either ending really well or really bad and after a recent heart break, he's not ready to take that gamble. I was crushed because we were extremely compatible and had a great time every time we spoke and hung out. Our chemsitry was amazing.

  12. SO, I say all that to say, keep it moving. Be friends and only friends.Find someone who appreciates you, is emotionally available to commit and who wants to commit. I'm still a little sour but I guess I respect his outright honesty :/ but my ego was definitely bruised.

    1. I ended something very similar to your situation a couple months ago (just a little more ratchet-romance novel worthy lol), so I completely understand where you and the writer are going through. My ego was bruised as well. However, I don't think it's best to remain "friends" in this sort of situation. I put those words into quotations mainly because there is no true friendship on your side of the relationship. You want something else from him (relationship and sex) and he's not giving that to you. Well, maybe the sex part, which isn't fair with all that oxytocin floating around haha. Settling for any less than what you want to remain "friends" with this guy isn't helping you because in reality, you're more than likely holding on to false hope, and potentially not seeing other options that could be better for you. I'm sure you have real friends that you can depend on, friends that you haven't slept with, friends who aren't essentially putting you on the back-burner for when they need some attention/affection/sex or "all of a sudden want a relationship from you". I say let it go, let them know what's up, delete the number and move on.

      However, these people have a way of popping up again in the most hilarious of times (Valentine's Day calls/texts/voicemails anyone?). Do not give into responding to these sad attempts to "reconnect", and if necessary, let him know that you have no interest in faking a friendship or speaking with him anymore in the most respectful way possible. Maintain your dignity.

      Oh, god, I'm venting… OK, I'm done.

      1. I get your point but I guess I am still hopeful. I plan to continue the friendship (no sex) while dating others. I think my problem began when I stopped dating others prior to a commitment.

  13. If the shoe was on the other foot and the guy was the one who had written this letter I'm sure the comments would be very different.

  14. as someone who has been in a similar situation on the flipside, let me just say, life is short, keep living and keep it moving. FOR WHATEVER REASON SOMEBODY IS NOT INTERESTED IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, you can sit around wondering WHY and what should I do or you can move on. If you choose to be friends, know that it is just that friends – period. But few people can accept friendship when they have grown to expect more than that. Nobody likes rejection but its a fact of life. So be it He or She, really is irrelevant. Bottomline – nothing to see here, keep it moving. Do I need to put on my Crossing-Guard uniform? lolas someone who has been in a similar situation on the flipside, let me just say, life is short, keep living and keep it moving. FOR WHATEVER REASON SOMEBODY IS NOT INTERESTED IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU, you can sit around wondering WHY and what should I do or you can move on. If you choose to be friends, know that it is just that friends – period. But few people can accept friendship when they have grown to expect more than that. Nobody likes rejection but its a fact of life. So be it He or She, really is irrelevant. Bottomline – nothing to see here, keep it moving. Do I need to put on my Crossing-Guard uniform? lol

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