Home Featured My Boyfriend Hates My Best Friend … Why?

My Boyfriend Hates My Best Friend … Why?

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Today, yet another edition of Single Black Mail.  Looking for advice, write in. Sure, we might have something cute to say … but the gold is in the comments.

Hi my name is Jamie and I am in a very difficult situation.

My boyfriend is incredibly jealous of my male bff. I’ve told him over and, over the we are only friends, but he doesn’t believe me.  It also doesn’t help tht said bff does have a tiny(only slightly obvious ie, I’ve caught him staring at me, and he can be touchy) crush on me, but he knows we will NEVER be anything but friends. I’m just confused bc we(me, bff, and bf) all used to hang out together all the time. Something changed(idk what) but my bf gets angry if I txt my bff now let alone hang out with him alone-like we used to-or even if I invite him to hang with both of us.

I don’t wanna [lose] either one of them. For the past week I’ve been avoiding my bff just to keep the peace between my bf and I, but I miss my friend bc we hung out all the time. What should I do?

When I first read your letter, I thought to myself “What would SBM do?” I actually sat there staring at the monitor. I dug deep and accessed the logical part of my mind and body. I didn’t go to my heart, my irrational emotional side, or that jealous part of me. After a little deliberation, I came up with a concise and easy answer to your dilemma

See Also:  The Reason You Should Love Less Than More About Them

F* your BFF

I know every guy isn’t going to feel me, I know you aren’t going to want to agree, but I can’t help but think there are a few things we really need to note that might make my advice a little easier to swallow.

Your BFF & BF were friends … and your BF knows something

You said that all of you used to hang out and then “something changed.” I’m willing to bet 1 gold watch, 2 gold chains, and 6 gold rings that your BFF told or indicated to your BF his desire for you at some point. It may have been before you two became a couple, it may have been while high and/or drunk, or maybe he straight up warned him. Whatever happened, your BF became very aware of your BFF.

The BFF has a crush on you!

Just because you say “we will NEVER be anything but friends” doesn’t mean that you will “NEVER be anything but friends.”  Any guy knows the male BFF is just one bad fight away from the “you know he doesn’t treat you right” speech and the ensuing “mistake” that happens. I’m not saying no woman should have male friends, or male BFFs. One of my wife’s best friends is male, but your BFF blatantly has a crush on you … and that’s not OK. Also, you call him your BFF … that is a huge red flag in any man’s mind.

See Also:  Propensity to Holla

Are you very CLEAR that the BFF has no chance?

When my wife and I were dating long distance, there was some guy she was going to the movies with. SBM activated! I wasn’t having it, talked all kinds of sh*t bout this guy, and almost forbade all visits. That was until I saw this guy. Without being arrogant … he wasn’t a threat. Also, seeing them around each other, it was clear she had no interest in him. Take some time and think about how receptive or non-receptive you are to the BFF’s “playful” actions.  You said he’s touchy and stared … THAT’S A PROBLEM!  The BFF’s touch should be like acid hitting your skin.

 

In the end, I hope you find a way to resolve this situation. But, just from this info, it seems you have your work cut out for you. I don’t think any person should be forced to end a friendship for their relationship, but you need to have a real convo with your BF, listen to everything he says and don’t dismiss a single thing. Then … take the time and effort to make him feel comfortable. Might not be fair, but now that I’m married … I’ve realized it’s not always fair.

One opinion … one man … SBM fam speak your mind? Is this BFF to be trusted? Is the BF just worried?

See Also:  There Goes My Hero

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SBM aka MBM aka “DC meets Cali”

Comment(31)

  1. Good advice. There’s a great chance that if all of you were friends before this relationship, your bff has probably stated his interested in you to your current bf. I would say maybe you should monitor how you interact with your bff out of respect for your partner. For example you said he’s touchy feely, I think you should politely suggest to him that he “chills out” and cut the touchy feely stuff. I think your bf trust you; it’s just your bff that he doesn’t trust. And he doesn’t want to be in a situation were the bff thinks he has an opening and some ish starts up.

    Plus you know this guy has a crush on you, are you sure he’s a friend and not a guy playing the friend zone game waiting for his chance.

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA This post has me in tears right now. Why you ask? Well simply because i am in a similar situation. My GF is starting to become concerned about the relationship i have with my bestie(clearly she is a female) who lives miles away! To me, its like why the fuk are you concered about a woman who has been my friend for over ten years and lives in another state. I never see my her, maybe once every two years but we do speak on the daily. Ive expressed to my GF that i tell my "bestie" everything and yes even about shit that we go thru.(yes i know bad move on my part, shouldnt have said that shit, but i like to be honest)….. When my GF and I finally sat down to have a serious discussion about how she feels, she expressed to me that her concern stems from 2 things. 1. I told her that my bestie came at me when she hadnt heard from me in days and 2. because i call her "bestie"…..

  3. She said "nigga your a grown ass man who calls a so call freind a "bestie" WTF, "bestie" sounds like a fake term for the fact that you all are fuking or have a special relationship other than freind ship"……. Once she said this, i couldnt even respond. She had a valid point, cuz i know for damn sure if she told me that ish… i wouldnt be ok with it. Now moving forward the "bestie" will be refered to by name and i will not be mentioning any little fall outs that we have to her…… I tell you one thing, Intuition is a damn good thing and your man is on to something and more than likely he is right. I know my shortie was…….

    1. Well if your girl was on to something then yes she had something to be concerned about. You know darn well that that girl is more than a bestie. You might not be sleeping with her, but I'm sure she has some interest in you other than a friend. You sure she's not a safety in case ish doesn’t work out with you and your current girl?

      1. Well its kinda complicated…. This chick is really and genuinly my best friend and its been that way since we were in HS. I genuinly love her to the core. I will be honest, if we lived in the same state we probably would be together but seeing that this will never happen…. she isnt but kinda is a saftey net… I dont envision her as saftey because i genuinley want to marry my girl but other than her, my bestie would def stand a chance at getting the ring. I know, i know, i know…. i sound really confused but im not. My GF will probably soon become my fiancee and my bestie will be in the wedding on her side….. Did i mention, we had sex in the past…. DAMN im all the way f'ed up huh?

        1. lol Love triangle… This is Brown Sugar all over again. Seems like you have some unresolved feelings for you best friend. I can see why your girl doesn’t like the situation. I man clearly you and your friends have some, shoulda, woulda, coulda’s that you haven’t quite put to rest.

        2. Seems like you really want to be with the bestie but your current gf is the more convenient option.

        3. "DAMN im all the way f'ed up huh?"

          LMBO! Well since you already know, I ain't got to tell you.

          Your girl knows she canNOT compete with your bestie. Are you sure your bestie isn't worth a move? Are you sure you REALLY wanna marry and be with someone else? If I were your girl, I'd hate to feel like you were marrying me cause you couldn't marry your bestie, lol…for real.

        4. Yea…. you might want to put the wedding on hold. And try things with the bestie, i mean minus not havign chex, it seems liek yall are almost dating (her getting mad about you not calling/texting her in 2 days)

        5. Um… I think I know you. Do you live in Atlanta? LOL JK, but this is my situation exactly, except I was the female friend and I ended it a few months ago. I agree with the other ladies in that if you seriously have feelings your BFF ("love her to the core"?) then you should give it a try, if it's something you want. Sitting on your hands and hoping that she'll stick around while you're still in your relationship isn't doing anyone any good regardless of the distance. Sadly, I was the one who had to place boundaries on our friendship, because this game of "we're friends" while he was in a relationship got too deep when he decided to make some romantic confessions. I had to cut it off when I started catching feelings for him too and decided to back up because I wasn't going to coerce him to be with me, or be "that girl" ya know? But it still hurt and I lost a great friend in the process. And I still have to see him from time to time because we run in the same academic and professional circles. Can you say "messy"?

          So I think you need to choose. Current GF or BFF… you can't have both forever, cause you're going to hurt one in some degree regardless of what you do (even if you do nothing). Same goes for the writer of the letter. And no, you're not f'd up… this sh** apparently happens a lot more often than we think it does.

  4. To the woman who posed the question, if you are reading, you can't possibly truly want the relationship between you and your boyfriend to grow if you are so intent on trying to keep you BFF in that situation. The stage has already been set. Your BF doesn't trust your BFF around you and he is smart enough to know that your friendship, and maybe vulnerability, around your BFF is enough for you to let your guard down and possibly accept one of his advances under the right circumstances.
    You've already stated that you know the BFF has a little crush on you. Well let me tell you that we men don't do "little crushes". We either want you or we don't at all. There is now "kinda want" with us. If he wants you at a little then he wants you alot and he is only playing his BFF role because you haven't allowed him to take it any further. Your BF probably well knows this. You are going to have to pick one.

  5. Dear letter writer,

    Here is something for you to do. Think about all of the little things that you and guy best friend do. Now imagine your dude doing the same with another woman. Would you be okay with it?

    If you say no…proceed accordingly. If you say yes, you are lying.

    The thing is all about boundaries. You KNOW your friend has a crush on you, friend or not, someone that has a crush on you needs to be kept at a certain distance when you are in a relationship. I don't care how close you were before. Personal example, before I got married I had/have a very close female friend that lives 6 hours away. we would talk fairly frequently and text daily. My wife voiced her dislike with some of the things in the situation. What did I do? Reduce the amount of time I speak to my friend. Not cut them off completely but let them know the deal and either they will respect that and you all will have no more problems or they will pitch a fit and solve the problem for you.
    My recent post My 2012 gaming year in review

    1. "If you say no…proceed accordingly. If you say yes, you are lying."

      LITERALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD!

      Right!!!!!

  6. My Ex used to have a BFF that I hated. He was always hovering over our relationship causing problems until I straightup said fuck it him or me…thats why she's my ex now.

  7. This is a simple one. Your boyfriend has obviously picked up on something that you have failed to notice, or ignored. ( Then again you did say he has a crush…that's really all the evidence you need) You may have told your Bff that he's "just friends", but he seems pretty confident that he can change that.That's why he's so "touchy". If you value your relationship you'll put your friend in his place, or cut him loose.

  8. B***hes like this will never prosper, cuz they don't respect their situation. They don't respect their man and they don't respect themselves to allow that type of nonsense to go on. She's one of them girls that uses guys in the friend zone to boost her ego. And also uses them as a rebound man when the relationship with their man goes south. The ironic part is that their current relationship probably goes south because of that ego…..

  9. Personally, I don't think men and women can be genuine freinds without one or the other or both having some kind of feeling for the other. I was dating this woman and her good friend was a guy. She always insisted that he was 'just a friend', I trusted her and just rolled with it. Until one day I flat out asked her "did your friend ever try to holla at you in the past?" And she was honest enough to tell me he did try to holla, but said friendship was the most they'd be. Hell, I got a best female friend, best believe we rolled around in the sack a few times in the past. But no, males and females can't be genuine friends unless of course he is gay, then I can see it.

  10. I have a totally opposite position. If this is really your BFF then you gotta figure out a way to calm things w/ the BF. I would never cut off ANY of my friends b/c my man had a problem with them. Set some boundaries. No more flirting, no more playing around w/ the BFF. Do whatever it takes to make your man feel secure WHILE keeping your friend. Tell the BF – I am not cutting off my friend but I am willing to maintain the relationship in whichever way you see fit. If he doesn't want y'all talking after a certain hour – don't. If he says no to certain types of dates – you don't do them. You also have a talk w/ BFF and let him know that some boundaries have to be put in place. If he is truly your friend he will do whatever it takes to maintain your friendship and help you have a healthy relationship with your man. If you tell BFF boundaries need to be put in place and he acts the ass – then he isn't really a friend and you can keep it moving w/ a clear conscience 🙂

  11. He just sounds a bit threatened which is normal. But I think she should sit down with both and determine whats going to go on from there. I wouldnt want to lose my bff but if it came in between my relationship then I would cool it off a bit. That is really a tough situation to be in when you care about both people. I guess it all boils down to who you care about the most.
    My recent post “It’s Not the Size of the Boat, but the Motion of the Ocean”

  12. Yeah, I'm with those who think your boyfriend may know something you do not. Or, at the very least, he's picked up on the fact that your so called BFF wants to be way more than just your BFF and he's not down for giving him QT opportunities so he can work his master plan, LMBO!

    Good for your bf…he loves you, lol. You and your bff can't really be bffs while he's feeling some kind of way about you, boo. That's not your reality. That man wants you. If you love and respect your man, you need to give the bff space to get his mind and feelings in check…if he can reel them back in. Let's hope and pray that he can…

  13. Honestly there’s only an issue because it seems like she has set any boundaries for the bff. And clearly the bff doesn’t have any personal boundaries he’s going to set out of respect. Most men and woman know there are people out there strangers, associates maybe even friends who want their S.O. Most of the time, it’s not an issue when the person in the relationship sets boundaries for those outside parties to follow accordingly.

    1)cut the touchy feely
    2)don’t tell him anything that goes on between you and you bf
    3)you can ignore him if he wont follow the boundaries you put in place

  14. Maybe the reason your man dislikes your best friend so much is because shes miserable and she's always in your relationship giving her bad advice. Perhaps she is a bad influence because she's probably single and encourages her to go out and do things a 'single woman' does. Perhaps you're (the girl)spending more time with her and worrying about her problems more than your own relationship. How I see it you should only be cordial with your girls home girls that way you're not emotionally involved and can easily be indifferent.
    My recent post An Inside View Of A Tormented Soul

  15. I'm a victim of a situation that is slightly similar to this one but the only difference was that the woman that my lady did not like was(and still is) my business partner. we would have meetings and and it was all business but afterwards we would hit the clubs, get drunk and go our separate ways. there was no monkey business but my lady wasn't having it. So now most of our meetings are online and we barely see each other that much. We run a website together so cyber meetings haven't really impacted negatively on our business. In my girlfriend's defence I will say our(the other woman and i) business relationship stemmed from our attraction towards each other. We met at work, became close, started hanging out, started a business. weird, i know!
    My recent post 10 Things Women Lie About

  16. The moment i read that she knows he had a tiny crush on her, i side eye the rest of the letter… I mean is she really asking what she should do?!
    Some people just don't care about their relationship…

  17. There is always a clear line of demarcation when it comes to appropriateness regarding the types of relationships you have with people outside of your relationship. We all know what that line looks like, its just that some of us don't care and would rather blur those lines to make the continuance of such relationships "ok".

    Having a male bff who has a crush, is touchy feely, and spends time with you is okay in what part of the world? Your boyfriend has every right to be jealous and quite frankly, Im surprised he has tolerated such blatant disrespect for so long to the point it has been a reoccurring complaint. He should have been shot her the deuces. lol. That is a clear violation. Own it and call it what it is.

    The bff is a hungry dog sitting at the dining room table waiting for that meat to slip off your man's plate and has had the audacity to even make that clear through his actions. I'm sayin doe. lol.

    The naivety conveyed in this letter is questionable, because its difficult to comprehend how such inappropriateness is lost the writer. Not suggesting she will ever take it there, but perhaps deep down she enjoys the attention from her bff.

    Mr. SoBo
    OpinionatedMale.com

    My recent post She Really Came Out The House With That?! Women’s Fashions That Turn Men Off

  18. Personally I'm very different, I don't really get too bent out of shape of a woman having a male best friend. If she is hot, I'm sure the friend has thought about them getting together its natural. If she wanted to be with him, they would have been together already, just take care of your business and don't be jealous.

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